Category: Governing the people

LET’S RATTLE THOSE POTS AND PANS! Didn’t we do well? Boris Johnson’s latest brainchild, Clap for the Country, is arousing clap-scepticism across the nation. 

Everyone has a clap-related opinion. On this particular topic, most tend to agree that Johnson really is a bona fide expert for once. 

“Clap for the Country? Well he would know all about that, wouldn’t he?” said vox popper Anne O’Nimity. “As far as I am concerned, he can forget about it. It won’t help anybody, and it will most likely put extra pressure on the NHS!” 

O’Nimity was typical of most respondents. But other views were aired as well. 

“I’m very much the I’m All Right Jack type,” observed a self-satisfied Jack Ingoff. “I sort myself out, take matters in hand, know what I mean? No clap for me.” 

But there was palpable anger as well. 

“I would love to clap,” countered contrarian Dev El-Sadvocate. “Clap him in chains, that is. Lock him up. Throw away the key. Make sure he doesn’t spread any more of this poison!” 

Clap expert Dr Penny Cyllin was on hand to provide balance and levelling up. 

“Johnson seems to have an insatiable appetite,” stated Dr Cyllin. “Clap for this, clap for that, clap for the other. Clap for everyone. The country has got clap fatigue! What’s it supposed to achieve, anyway?”

Pride. A sense of achievement. Smug guilt. A mysterious itch. 

“The whole business is claptrap,” exclaimed Dr Cyllin. “It’s shameless. It’s selfish. It’s self indulgent fakery. It’s all designed to give you a momentary sense of goodwill. Once a week you get to stand up and thrash about like an idiot for a few minutes, and you spend the rest of the week with a feeling of emptiness. A course of antibiotics should clear it up. Here’s your prescription!”

And that’s the country we now live in. Completely clapped out. 

NOW YOU SEE IT, NOW YOU DON’T: Or in other words, using the Brandon Lewis defence. Lawbreaking is fine so long as you only break one at a time. 

“I’m totally convinced that this is a one off oversight,” wrote the Daily Mail, in a tiny corner of the Fuck It’s Real News Better Print It Then section, hiding it next to the small ads, and burying it beneath 743 pages of irrelevant speculation about the Royal Family. 

Other patriotic papers behaved in likewise fashion, the Daily Express excelling itself by blaming the EU and Jeremy Corbyn for Hancock’s blunder. 

“Breaking the law in a specific and limited way is a euphemism, of course,” explained legal eagle Bill O’Rights. “It admits the offence, but mitigates it by pointing out that the offender merely broke the law, and didn’t then go full Boris.” 

Going full Boris, is that an official legal term? 

“No, the phrase is specifically limited to private conversation,” said O’Rights. “It means as well as breaking the law, you get hammered and brag about it to all your mates. Then on the way home you pour petrol onto it, set light to it, and try to extinguish the flames by urinating on it. Then all round to Pongo Hyphen-Hyphen’s place for a night of drugs and debauchery.” 

There’s still time for Hancock to foul his own nest. In which case, he is liable to be pulled up by his House Master, and given a severe wigging. 

Given that Hancock’s boss is Boris Johnson, and that going full Boris is therefore jolly good, absolutely spaffing, it is likely that Hancock will go unpunished. After all, it’s only a little rule he broke, written by lefty traitors to protect the plebs. It’s on a level with goosing the school nurse during nit inspection week. 

In fact, Hancock should be rewarded for being forced to come clean. Think of his mental health!

PEACE AND LOVE: Lightweight intellectual Jacob Rees-Mogg wants to reclaim a famous symbol. It is most unjust, he says, that the woke left should wish to cancel our history.

“The swastika is actually a religious symbol,” declared Rees-Mogg in his traditional lofty manner. “It represents one’s well-being and good fortune. It should not be cancelled by do-gooders focussing on a very narrow period in the twentieth century.”

Rees-Mogg is of course correct up to a point, but he naturally cancels the fact that association with the Nazis led to the cancellation of the swastika.

“I am cancelling nothing,” responded Rees-Mogg, with that typically condescending note in his voice. “I know the woke community will go mad at this, but the important point is that OTHER people have reclaimed their words, so religious people want to reclaim their symbolism. Not to permit this amounts to racialism!”

This momentous pronouncement led to much frothing at the mouth among the self-righteous right. Many angry column inches were produced, condemning the idea that anyone should wish to throw a statue of Hitler into the sea, although nothing of the kind had been proposed.

Rees-Mogg proposed that the newly recovered swastika be emblazoned on every place of worship, public building, school, and armband. It would form the background for every government minister’s Zoom calls, superseding the Union Jack.

“It’s a matter of historical accuracy,” said Rees-Mogg, totally patronising now. “It is symbolic of the need for the country to come together and work as one. It represents my struggle, rising from humble beginnings to the modest office I now hold.”

You have to admit, he wears his heart, and indeed his symbolism, on his expensively tailored sleeve.

Rees-Mogg further proposed a new office: The Wokefinder General. Anyone proven to be woke will be forced to wear a Saint George Cross, a symbol of the most famous Englishman of all.

And at a stroke, cancel culture will be cancelled.

LAND OF DOPE AND TORY : WE BRITS KNOW ARE HISTORY. WE KNOW WE INVENTED CIVILISATION AND DEMOCRACY. We don’t need some cloistered boffin to come along and upturn the BRITISH apple cart.

Downing Street is going to protect ARE history after fifth columnist, traitor subversives have been noted suggesting such scandalous things such as “maybe we shouldn’t celebrate slavers quite so much?”

“We’re not having that!” a 10 Downing Street insider told LCD Views. “If we allow that some very heavy hitting Tories may come under pressure to pay reparations from all the slaver’s wealth they inherited. We’re not having that either!”

It seems the best way to prevent that is to wage a culture war and if you’re having a war you need a “Free Speech Champion” to wage it.

Clearly then you need Gavin Williamson to draw up the legislation for it. You need a petty little bully if you’re going to have a petty, little war to distract from the very heavy issues inherited from our history.

“Gav will sort this right out. He’s having British history engraved on a block of stone. Several stones actually. A lot of stones. We like megaliths. We like them standing where everyone can see them. So it’s a natural move to engrave the only acceptable version of British history the law will soon allow onto stones. Then to force universities to display them prominately.”

But what will be engraved on the stones?

“Two world wars, one world cup and part of a vaccine! What else is acceptable or necessary in an understanding of British history?”

THEY SAID IT COULDN’T BE DONE : Every time the great visionary Boris Johnson suggests a monumental building project of daft implausibility the blind, the meek, the lazy say it can’t be done. But that doesn’t stop him suggesting it again a few months later.

We want to know why? So we asked a specialist.

“It’s because he’s a fucking idiot and a show off with an emotional age of five,” our in house psychologist suggested. “I maybe invented but I can see clearly what the problem is, without the need for obscure language.”

And it seems there is no need to dress up Mr Johnson’s now routine, and cyclical, suggestion of a grand building project.

“He does this because he can’t think of anything realistic to do to improve people’s lives and he’s an egomaniac. He wants to think there will be an impressive project lasting through time, after he’s finished taking care of the social care problem via the pandemic.”

But just because Boris Johnson says it can be done doesn’t mean it can’t.

“It does. The entire premise is bogus. Apparently the tunnel to Ireland will take care of the trade issues for the North? How? Driving under the sea eliminates customs in a way sailing over doesn’t? It makes no sense.”

But what it does at least make is vegetables. As reports of the tunnel do not mention the key facet that it is to be a garden bridge tunnel and produce fresh fruit and vegetables.

“Now you’re just being silly. What’s wrong with focusing on just growing mushrooms? Which is fair enough, given the entire method of Boris Johnson’s government is to keep us in the dark and feed us shit.”

Look forward to the bridge idea being recycled again in a few months time when Mr Johnson needs it to distract us, again, in a few months time.

LEVELLING UP, DOWN, ALL AROUND : DOWNING STREET HAS SUCCUMBED TO PRESSURE TODAY TO ANSWER WHAT THE HELL THE HALF ARSED MANNEQUINS PRETENDING TO GOVERN THE UK ARE DOING ABOUT RETURNING TRAVELLERS FROM COVID-19 HOTSPOTS.

For weeks the idea of quarantining returning travellers has been touted as an effective way to prevent the spread of more dangerous variants of the killer virus that currently plagues the UK, but so far all there has been from Downing Street is words and no deeds.

“That’s because our friends like to travel,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It’s a bit rum to make them shack up with their families in a bloody Travelodge when they just step off a first class flight. Think of the mental health implications? It’s very hard for the PM to do this to donors. I mean friends.”

Other reasons given for the lax approach are suggested to be that the UK is still pursuing herd immunity, the so called ‘take it on the chin’ approach, which has been so successful thus far.

“It’s more because apparently none of our friends are in hotels, and those that are don’t want to touch this with a bargepole. Still counting their PPE winnings I suppose. Ha!”

But in spite of the headwinds it’s believed a meeting of the cabinet today decided the matter, and one that buys into the famous levelling up agenda.

“It was rough sailing initially. Little Matty Hancock was moaning that people keep having pops at him for not using the advantages of an island to prevent a mere 110K and rising people dying of Covid-19. Apparently we should have actually acted like a competent government, whatever that is. They have one in New Zealand, Australia, Taiwan, Vietnam and Japan. But we’re not commies! We’re not doing what they do. Our inherent love of dying prematurely must be protected. Anyway, Matt said let’s drain the English Channel and it all kicked off. Priti went for him with a pair of scissors. It was a lucky escape. They were Johnson’s craft scissors. He’s not allowed sharp objects in case he slips while running. But it was then that someone in the cabinet hit on the winning formula.”

Apparently a few in the cabinet have been getting calls to rein in that crazed MP from outside Leicester somewhere, who keeps writing about the plague with evidence and science.

“That’s not on. I mean, it risks endangering our entire policy. The entire brand of the party. But we’ve got a way to kill two birds with one stone,” the source winked. “We simply turn the entirety of the UK north of Watford into a quarantine hotel. The whole show. Everyone will be so busy finding spare rooms for people to stay in they won’t have time to go on Twitter and argue with the fascists who want to cull the herd. It’s a total win.”

BY THIS TIME NEXT YEAR : “You’ll all be millionaires!” is the encouraging news from the new chief of the Bank of England, chosen to replace Carney, it’s presumed because of his better ideological purity, as decided by the Cardinals of the Church of Brexit.

The happy expectations will cheer many Britons who may have found lockdown relatively more expensive than the multi-millionaires running the country.

“It’s clear that everyone in the U.K. has just been hoarding wealth over the last year,” the Bank chief continued, in comments we have completely fabricated. “Just look at all the closed shops, restaurants and pubs! People not spending is to blame. Billions must be stored under the mattresses of the U.K.”

And while no one is yet suggesting the Home Office is empowered to forcibly enter homes in order to check under the mattresses, there is an expectation that people will indulge in an orgy of spending, once they’re no longer afraid of dying.

“More than ever we are going to need to rely on consumerism to pretend we still have an economy. When you take the double whammy of a free for all on the public finances to repay the investments of Tory Party donors, thank you CV-19, and the teething problems of Brexit…I mean holy cow, get out there and buy British!”

But some critics have pointed out that while there have been savings on travel for those who can work from home, there have also been costs. The entire household home 24/7 has dramatically increased grocery and utility bills, in a time of rising costs. Also the necessity of purchasing equipment to home school and entertain the children.

“Trifles. Cost wise,” our invented commentary reveals. “I mean, given that everyone in the country has been gifted a PPE contract worth billions, with no expectation to deliver any actual product, the entire country is loaded!”

IF YOU WASTE MY TIME, I’LL WASTE YOURS: There is a good reason that young Boris Johnson has been in the lower fourth for 42 years. An excess of charisma and tastefully ruffled hair is no substitute for hard work, writes his tutor. 

“Young Mr Johnson may have had an easy existence thus far,” wrote House Master Kane Wielder. “But I would expect him to show a little more interest in his studies, and a little less interest in the pubs and fillies of Eton, if he wants to achieve the O Levels of which he is capable.” 

Boris bit back. “Nobody told me that homework was necessary,” he grumbled. “I thought it was just so the masters could make themselves look hard. Anyway I can always pay one of the other boys to do it for me!” 

Johnson’s career trajectory is well known. After a year or two of remedial classes, the school became fed up and kicked him upstairs to Oxford. This became a recurring pattern in Johnson’s life. Too posh for punishment, or at least too well connected, promotion was the only option. 

The only remaining question is, how do you kick the Prime Minister upstairs? 

“He still refuses to do his homework,” grumbled Wielder from his cosy retirement home. “There was a deal he signed, and bragged about, but he never bothered to read it. So when the downsides manifest, he lashed out. Read the first paragraph, bluff the rest, and complain he’s ill treated when his essay gets 2 out of 10. He hasn’t changed.” 

Trouble is, the current government comprises a good many upper class twits who have been indulged, like Johnson, instead of being put in their places. 

Instead, their empty heads have been filled with conspiracy theories like Brexit and an unshakeable sense of entitlement. “I’m PM, that proves that I’m the cream of the crop, wiff waff!” as Johnson himself puts it in his latest column for the Daily Propaganda.

Bless him. He did his best! 

FREEDOM OF MOVEMENT IS JUST FOR THE RICH : DOWNING STREET has some sound advice for fishermen facing unemployment today, as Brexit continues to go off in their industry like a stick of dynamite in a herring shoal.

“No one wants fish. It took Brexit for us to discover that. The industry was propped up before merely by belief in fishing. Now the belief is gone, so is the market,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman said. “We’ve essentially done the British fishing community an incredible favour. One of self-realisation. No one wants to discover, years from now, with their dying breath that they had been living a lie for years, thinking they were a fisherman.”

The opportunity to know oneself deeper is not the only advantage to come out of Brexit for the fishermen.

“Clearly they now have to retrain. Happily, thanks to the combined forces of Brexit ending Freedom of Movement (for plebs) and a lethal mismanagement of the ‘just like a flu’ pandemic, there is a gaping skills shortage facing the United Kingdom as we build back never. And it’s not just in construction work that we are short of tens of thousands. It’s not just in brains in the cabinet that the hole is yawning ever wider. It’s in the au pair sector too. Fishermen are good at handling large schools of rapidly moving creatures. They will make natural au pairs, once they get their land legs. And the £100 a week they’ll earn will be more than they’ll earn from fishing! Look at the benefits.”

But what about the loss of cultural exchange, the deepening of understanding between Brits and people from all over the European continent? Surely we want to retain that exchange.

“Mate. You’re not up to speed yet with Brexit. Deeper understanding of the continent? That’s the last thing the Empire freaks in Downing Street want to achieve. In fact, quite the opposite. Now run along and wait for your turn to experience unemployment.”

NOT TO BE TRUSSTED: There’s a mystery in UK trade circles. International trade deals are simply not magically falling into the country’s lap. This is contrary to standard Brexit doctrine, and is not to be tolerated.

This is also despite world beating negotiator Liz Truss being in charge. Truss brings an indefatigable energy and competence to the job. Many have compared her favourably to the great Chris Grayling mistakenly ordering pizza for a hedgehog.

Brexit is an outstanding success, goes the government line. Therefore, the trade deals Truss managed to salvage are an outstanding success. Therefore Truss is an… well, you get the picture. No amount of reality is going to dent this cheerful belief if only one contrived narrative can be constructed.

So, now that the UK has comprehensively trashed, I mean, enhanced, its international reputation, you can trust Truss to be our Trump card. She will bring the bigliest, the bestest trade deals, none bester.

Truss is on the verge of asking to join the powerful Pacific Islands Partnership. The UK is a natural addition to the group, being just the other side of the planet. She eagerly anticipates trade deals with Tonga, the Solomon Islands, and Bikini Atoll.

“It will be free trade, not expensive trade,” announced Truss, smugly revelling in the fact that she had learned what ‘free trade’ meant. “We will have all the coconuts we can eat! And the strontium-90 does give one a good healthy glow!” 

Strontium-90, caesium-137, catch-22. No wonder we got the coconuts so cheap. 

“And it’s all tariff free! Nothing to pay there either!” Truss burbled on, exuding confidence from every greasy pore. “We will send a flotilla any day now!” 

And the radioactive coconuts won’t be Trussed up in red tape? 

“Ha ha! I see what you did there!” she giggled. “No, they will be packed in boxes, not tied up.” 

The future’s bright. Or at least, glows in the dark.