Category: Global Britain

THIS TOO SHALL PASS : The European Union, the United Nations, The League of American Nations, The Austro-Indo-Pacific Alliance and The Danish Shakespeare Society have issued a joint statement today calling for calm in an increasingly out of control United Kingdom.

The unprecedented joint intervention is in response to rumours that Boris Johnson is still the Prime Minister, in spite of 150,000+ avoidable deaths during the pandemic, a lot of them because he tried to “Save Christmas”. News that he is going to attempt to save Christmas again have seen people panic shop in a scale not seen since the toilet paper roll catastrophe of distant early 2020.

“I know it seems like he will never leave, in spite of the egregious and worsening harm he causes,” a representative of the coalition told LCD Views. “He is currently a giant kidney stone in your national urethra. But the stone will pass you just have to be patient.”

The reassurance that there will be a lovely day tomorrow without Boris Johnson as Prime Minister has done little to ease minds though.

“It could be written by the old blowhard himself,” one social media user commented. “It’s always a lovely day tomorrow while today is always worse than yesterday under Johnson. Exactly which tomorrow is supposed to be the lovely one?”

For his part though Prime Minister Boris Johnson has taken measures to alleviate the rising sense of anxiety and dread in the country.

“Hiding in the fridge is a start, I’ll give you that,” the poster agreed. “Maybe the fridge could be towed to Mustique and he could do us all a favour and stay there permanently? At someone else’s expense of course.”

That is one possible solution. Because the longer the Trumpian clown show governs the United Kingdom the higher the bill for all of us to pay.

“Except for the disaster capitalists. This is their payday.”

THEY DON’T LIKE IT UP ‘EM : 10 DOWNING STREET is to follow the amazing victory for Brexiters over crowns on pint glasses by seizing the banana by the horn.

Later this week a press conference will be held to excite everyone with the news that a secret working group, the BRG, has been studying bananas for months. The group is believed to include the “Brexit Spartans”, is taxpayer subsidised (to ensure quality lunches) and has been hard at work with that most iconic of fruits to Brexiters.

“The banana has long been a symbol of British sovereignty and global power,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “In recent years the European Commission has attempted to degrade that sovereignty with attempts to meddle in British bananas. Thanks to Brexit we have taken back control of bananas so fully we may well found a republic.”

Exactly what the correct curvature of a banana is in order to qualify as British isn’t yet clear.

“That’s why we’ve done the research,” the source explains. “We measured the knees of proper British men while the leg was flexed in various positions. We then found the optimal angle for complete control of our borders. This we used to study bananas of varying shapes and sizes. The ones that looked the most patriotic were used to set a minimal curvature. A law will shortly be passed in parliament to make it clear to everyone what is a British banana and what is a lesser one from Europe.”

Lesser bananas will be seized by UK border force and then repatriated to Europe in exchange for seasonal fruit pickers on temporary visas.

“Next time you hold a banana you’ll known it is a British banana,” the source adds. “We will never again say we have no bananas today, unless they’re foreign ones. And yes, we couldn’t have done this without Brexit.”

CRISIS AVERTED : FANTASTIC NEWS for Great British motorists this morning after Prime Minister Boris Johnson personally intervened to solve the fuel crisis caused by Prime Minister Boris Johnson.

“He’s taking full control of the fuel crisis,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “When you’re in a crisis you need an expert.”

Under plans that are “still being finalised” the government will state its intention to build forty new petrol stations. The new petrol stations will be spread in a line between 10 Downing Street to Chequers to best amplify Mr Johnson’s “levelling up” agenda.

In the interim there will be short term measures to stop the “panic at the pumps”.

“Having TORY MPS TWEET IN CAPS THAT THERE IS NO CRISIS IS A GREAT FIRST MOVE. THAT’S EXCELLENT FIREFIGHTING RIGHT THERE,” the source comments. “But Mr Johnson will also personally intervene to state ‘Fuck petrol pumps’.”

Another step will be to sequester Health Secretary Sajid Javid to bring his magic into dampening down public expectations.

“He’s going to drive around declaring anywhere carrying a flammable liquid a petrol station. Every off licence that sells lighter fluid will suddenly find itself declared a fully functioning petrol station. He can easily fit this into his diary alongside declaring GP surgeries new hospitals.”

People are asked to do their part while the new petrol stations are being created.

“We will have to stop telling EU lorry drivers to piss off for a few days,” the source acknowledges. “Just while we get our contingency plans rolling. So we’re asking patriotic British voters to stop shouting speak English at forrins. Just until we’ve sorted out the problems created by the pingdemic for motorists. Once that’s sorted it’s back to xenophobic, delusional, self-sabotaging, toxic, fascist appeasing nonsense because it works for the Cons at the polls.”

HOLD FAST : THE ARCHITECT OF SO MUCH SUFFERING, the bringer of so much woe, the ender of Freedom of Movement, the UK’s Home Secretary Priti Patel has been rushed to a private hospital this afternoon and placed into a medical coma.

The dramatic medical intervention is thought to have been authorised from the highest ranks of government after Prime Minister Complete and Total Disaster agreed to relax rules regarding EU lorry drivers.

“No 10 wishes to reassure the country that the PM has only agreed to relax the rules out of fear of the impact of food and fuel shortages on his personal polling,” a Downing Street spokesman said. “He has not done it out of concerns for the national good or anyone’s personal welfare. Please do not be mistaken. He’s just as incompetent and self-centred as he has always been.”

But in spite of the reassurance some are wondering if the U-turn on drivers will raise questions over the intelligence behind Brexit.

“We could not have relaxed visa rules on EU lorry drivers, to alleviate food and fuel shortages, if we hadn’t first done Brexit,” the spokesman reminded the country. So all is well and good then.

As to Ms Patel personally, it was felt sedation may first have been all that was required, but there were concerns she would still react “aggressively” to the news and the “PM doesn’t have time in his schedule today for a wedgie”.

It is thought that the coma will be reversed once a suitable collection of videos of women protesting against violence being met with violence has been compiled.

“She will be brought out slowly and carefully,” the spokesman advised. “A soundtrack of traumatised EU nationals incorrectly detained at UK borders will play as images of women being slammed into the dirt by police are projected on all the walls of her room. In time it is hoped she well learn to adjust to the first blows against her humanitarian victory of ending FOM.”

It is not sure what will be done once more U turns on immigration rules are required owing to a shortage of sedatives caused by the ending of FOM by Ms Patel and her colleagues.

A STITCH UP IN TIME : Doctor Hubert Blootung, chief representative of the North American Free Trade Association, has spoken to the press overnight outlining the conditions of the United Kingdom’s accession to the distant trade association.

“I would start by saying how impressed I was with the phone call from the United Kingdom’s Foreign Secretary Ms Truss,” the doctor began, to the surprise of many. “It is not often these days sales calls from cheese manufacturers are made with a personal touch. I have agreed to purchase a block of cheddar, with a complimentary pork product. I can appreciate that the cheddar must be Irish in origin for the moment, due to the difficulties of trading from the sovereign United Kingdom. But as long as there is a Union Flag on the packaging somewhere, it will be good enough for me.”

The pleasantries out of the way the Doctor got down to business.

“It is obvious to everyone why the United Kingdom must seek to join new trade associations. Preferably as far from the UK as possible. How else to recapture the might of the British Empire unless with a global policy? The EU will soon see the error of its ways when British made goods are sailing straight past it, through Suez and arriving in North America. But we have one condition for the UK for its application to join our trade bloc. They must first rejoin the EU. If we’re going to be having taxpayer jollies back and forth across the Atlantic I want to go to a country that has food.”

It’s not yet clear how the Prime Minister will respond, but it is expected that if he perceives personal gain in it he will swap positions on the EU as quick as you can blink and leave the domestic opposition politicians stunned and still babbling about embracing Brexit.

GLOBAL VILLAGE IDIOT : The White House has responded off the record to the visit from British Prime Minister Boris Johnson. In a candid exchange with journalists an unnamed White House source (who is almost certainly invented) made the following comments.

“It was frankly embarrassing,” the source told LCD Views. “Joe had a full diary to work through and this shambling haystack appears at the front door claiming to be family. Or in a special relationship with our entire country, whatever that means. Could he please come in for a few minutes? Apparently he was busting for the toilet too. When he emerged from the bathroom he smelt of whiskey. Or had splashed so much aftershave on it was enough to fumigate the Oval Office. And the Oval Office didn’t need to be fumigated as it was cleaned by a bio-hazard specialist after Trump was dragged out. Really, no one knew where to look. We just kept dropping hints it was time for him to leave. Not even really sure who he was? Said his name was Al and he was from Global Britain? Maybe it was a prank? You know, one of those TV shows where they set people up?”

While the comments from inside are illuminating regarding how he was received, there were some significant gains for the British Prime Minister.

“He had this so called journalist with him. Or a blogger. Something. Said she worked for Auntie? Whatever that is. She tweeted the entire time. Everything this blow in did she praised. Maybe they’re in some kind of toxic co-dependency? Really we don’t have time for games like this. We’ve got serious work to do. Even if they are somehow related to us it would be best if they kept their distance.”

For his part Mr Johnson went on record to say he thought the visit went “Stupendously! Like Theseus in a wool shop. He aaaaa….aaaaaa….just the right weave! Baggins! Like Baggins. The one ring. Just magnificent” and no one was any the wiser about what he meant.

BE OF GOOD CHEER YE GENTLE FOLK : The UK is ready to take on the challenges the UK’s government is throwing at itself unnecessarily after completion of work at the House of Commons.

Strong and stable government is required for a well maintained, representative democracy and to be stable it needs to be fully insulated against information it doesn’t want to hear. Reality is no use when great changes are in hand. Work to ensure an “impenetrable buffer” against reality has been ongoing for several years, and 10 Downing Street confirms today it is “110%” complete.

“We’ve ramped up the insulation of the old Palace of Westminster and now nothing, nothing that is unpleasant can get through and reach the ears of the MPs. It’s cotton wood headpieces over the ears for all,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.

“Mr Johnson can lie through his teeth and no one will be any wiser. His own MPs will applaud of course as the lies serve tax efficient arrangements for their donors. The opposition can be guaranteed to go along with the farce and do nothing to upset the status quo, as they helpfully tied themselves to the mast of the HMS Brexit on the 24/06/16 and no one has seen fit to cut the ropes. Hey ho! Oven Ready Calamity here we go!”

The insulation will also help the UK meet its climate change goals too, as confirmed by the spokesman.

“That’s because we don’t really have any,” the source grins, “because we’re idiots. But that’s what the people voted for and we’re delivering on our promises to donors.”

YOU DO IT TO YOURSELF : Prime Minister Boris Johnson is on the front foot today and leading his increasingly desperate and bedraggled people out of the wilderness he’s lead them into.

It’s said the PM will style himself “after Nero” and give a speech today from the 10 Downing Street balcony. He will be dressed in a “toga” that will be “heavily stained from the bunga bunga party that is alleged to have happened in that Russian oligarch owned villa in Tuscany when he was Foreign Secretary”.

The speech itself will be classic Johnson and acknowledge the terrible state of today by promising a “lovely day tomorrow”. It is expected prominent UK journalists will report the speech “breathlessly” and fail to point out that it’s always a lovely day tomorrow under Boris Johnson, but today is always worse than yesterday.

The PM will break from his usual classical Greek references and instead tip his hat towards his colleagues by inventing some Latin. “Aedificare retro melius” is expected to feature repeatedly in the energetic and promising speech which will prove to voters all that is needed to make a success of the country is to deny reality.

But he will also show his impressive range of learning by drawing on a classic line from the 19th century German philosopher Nietzsche and remind the nation, “Out of life’s school of war—what doesn’t kill me, makes me stronger“, which may come as a surprise to the 150,000 people who have largely avoidably died in the pandemic thanks to Mr Johnson’s morally bankrupt government.

The PM is expected to receive strong backing from his Home Secretary Priti Patel who is said to be very keen to not kill anyone at all, but rather have them exist in a state of “never ending torture”. The Chancellor will also offer his support out of a sense that it is “not yet time to plunge the knife in and try and become Prime Minister”.

BRING ME SUNSHINE : DOWNING STREET will stop at nothing to showcase modern Britain to the world. There are to be no sacred cows, not even the sacred ones. Even famous landmarks are potentially “for it” as Prime Minister Boris Johnson levels up the country.

“We have to look behind us in order to go forwards,” a source inside 10 Downing Street told LCD Views. “No one had considered changing the Elizabeth Tower until it was pointed out by the BLOODY GERMANS supplied the glass panes in the refurb. But Britain will have the LAST LAUGH.”

Under plans invented just now by LCD Views, and leaked to ourselves, the world beating bell, Big Ben, will be removed from the tower and melted down.

“It will then be recast as a world beating sun dial and the boring old Victorian clock face knocked out and the sun dial fitted in place. Most sun dials aren’t much use because not enough people can see them, but this one the world will notice. And four times a year when it’s actually sunny everyone will be able to tell the time. This will put Global Britain on the map.”

But it’s not just the old clock at Westminster that is getting the treatment.

“GMT will now be sun dial based too. We’re blowing up the atomic clock at Greenwich for a laugh and replacing it with a TRADITIONAL BRITISH SUN DIAL. World beating technology. Very British technology. And the sun dial will be Union Flag patterned so there’s NO MISTAKING IT FOR A FRENCH ONE.”

Town and village squares will also see their dull old Victorian public clocks turned into sun dials as the British wave sweeps the land.

“With our weather we can’t fail,” the source adds. “We’re even going to order Apple to make a sun dial app and then YOU’LL ALL HAVE TO DOWNLOAD IT.”

Plans to rearrange Stonehenge into a sun dial are also being drawn up as it is believed this will lead to a significant productivity boost to Wiltshire.

“Druids lose a lot of time rearranging those stones when the clocks change, but once the nothing old slabs are ground into dust and compressed into a sun dial shape they can get on with more useful British past times. Things like head hunting, putting heads on sticks and casting spells to RUIN THE GERMAN AUTOMOTIVE SECTOR.”

BRITAIN. WE HAVEN’T GONE COMPLETELY BATSHIT UNDER BORIS JOHNSON, we’ve simply let the most insane and batshit people we can find run the country for a time.

SOWING AND NOT REAPING : Turkeys who voted for Brexmas have hit back today over concerns they may not be on the menu this Christmas.

“We want to be killed, plucked, stuffed, eaten and complained about well into January! WE VOTED FOR THIS.” a spokesbird for the turkeys told LCD Views. “Bloody PINGDEMIC IS GOING TO RUIN CHRISTMAS. I didn’t vote for this!”

But in spite of what the tasty birds did vote for it seems concerns over the supply of food into the United Kingdom may mean they may miss out on their annual feast day.

“And to make matters worse they’re saying the FRENCH MAY EAT US?! THIS IS A DISC RACE!”

There is some hope on the horizon though with Downing Street set to strip away any regulations at all that make anyone safe, in order to appear to be making a success of Brexit.

“Last year Boris had to save Christmas from the decisions made by Boris in the pandemic,” the Turkeys raged. “IT WAS A NEAR RUN THING. This year? Bloody EU! We voted in 2019 to GET CHRISTMAS DONE and we meant ALL CHRISTMASES. NOT JUST THE ONE’S BEFORE BREXIT. GOBBLE! GOBBLE!”

Responding to the concerns from the turkeys the government issued this statement : “We have listened to the concerns of the turkeys who voted for Christmas and we will be raising their taxes. Rest assured that no one in the government is going to go without this December. We have the inherited wealth to pay for it.”

The new reality of Brexit Britain, where personal wealth will determine standing of living more and more should give some measure of comfort to the turkeys who voted for it.

“It is aspirational,” the spokesbird agreed. “Just think if I choose a better accident of birth next time around I could be the one feeding off the turkeys and not the main meal. I’ll work harder to achieve that. Just like old Boris.”