Category: Global Britain

YOU DO IT TO YOURSELF : Prime Minister Boris Johnson is on the front foot today and leading his increasingly desperate and bedraggled people out of the wilderness he’s lead them into.

It’s said the PM will style himself “after Nero” and give a speech today from the 10 Downing Street balcony. He will be dressed in a “toga” that will be “heavily stained from the bunga bunga party that is alleged to have happened in that Russian oligarch owned villa in Tuscany when he was Foreign Secretary”.

The speech itself will be classic Johnson and acknowledge the terrible state of today by promising a “lovely day tomorrow”. It is expected prominent UK journalists will report the speech “breathlessly” and fail to point out that it’s always a lovely day tomorrow under Boris Johnson, but today is always worse than yesterday.

The PM will break from his usual classical Greek references and instead tip his hat towards his colleagues by inventing some Latin. “Aedificare retro melius” is expected to feature repeatedly in the energetic and promising speech which will prove to voters all that is needed to make a success of the country is to deny reality.

But he will also show his impressive range of learning by drawing on a classic line from the 19th century German philosopher Nietzsche and remind the nation, “Out of life’s school of war—what doesn’t kill me, makes me stronger“, which may come as a surprise to the 150,000 people who have largely avoidably died in the pandemic thanks to Mr Johnson’s morally bankrupt government.

The PM is expected to receive strong backing from his Home Secretary Priti Patel who is said to be very keen to not kill anyone at all, but rather have them exist in a state of “never ending torture”. The Chancellor will also offer his support out of a sense that it is “not yet time to plunge the knife in and try and become Prime Minister”.

BRING ME SUNSHINE : DOWNING STREET will stop at nothing to showcase modern Britain to the world. There are to be no sacred cows, not even the sacred ones. Even famous landmarks are potentially “for it” as Prime Minister Boris Johnson levels up the country.

“We have to look behind us in order to go forwards,” a source inside 10 Downing Street told LCD Views. “No one had considered changing the Elizabeth Tower until it was pointed out by the BLOODY GERMANS supplied the glass panes in the refurb. But Britain will have the LAST LAUGH.”

Under plans invented just now by LCD Views, and leaked to ourselves, the world beating bell, Big Ben, will be removed from the tower and melted down.

“It will then be recast as a world beating sun dial and the boring old Victorian clock face knocked out and the sun dial fitted in place. Most sun dials aren’t much use because not enough people can see them, but this one the world will notice. And four times a year when it’s actually sunny everyone will be able to tell the time. This will put Global Britain on the map.”

But it’s not just the old clock at Westminster that is getting the treatment.

“GMT will now be sun dial based too. We’re blowing up the atomic clock at Greenwich for a laugh and replacing it with a TRADITIONAL BRITISH SUN DIAL. World beating technology. Very British technology. And the sun dial will be Union Flag patterned so there’s NO MISTAKING IT FOR A FRENCH ONE.”

Town and village squares will also see their dull old Victorian public clocks turned into sun dials as the British wave sweeps the land.

“With our weather we can’t fail,” the source adds. “We’re even going to order Apple to make a sun dial app and then YOU’LL ALL HAVE TO DOWNLOAD IT.”

Plans to rearrange Stonehenge into a sun dial are also being drawn up as it is believed this will lead to a significant productivity boost to Wiltshire.

“Druids lose a lot of time rearranging those stones when the clocks change, but once the nothing old slabs are ground into dust and compressed into a sun dial shape they can get on with more useful British past times. Things like head hunting, putting heads on sticks and casting spells to RUIN THE GERMAN AUTOMOTIVE SECTOR.”

BRITAIN. WE HAVEN’T GONE COMPLETELY BATSHIT UNDER BORIS JOHNSON, we’ve simply let the most insane and batshit people we can find run the country for a time.

SOWING AND NOT REAPING : Turkeys who voted for Brexmas have hit back today over concerns they may not be on the menu this Christmas.

“We want to be killed, plucked, stuffed, eaten and complained about well into January! WE VOTED FOR THIS.” a spokesbird for the turkeys told LCD Views. “Bloody PINGDEMIC IS GOING TO RUIN CHRISTMAS. I didn’t vote for this!”

But in spite of what the tasty birds did vote for it seems concerns over the supply of food into the United Kingdom may mean they may miss out on their annual feast day.

“And to make matters worse they’re saying the FRENCH MAY EAT US?! THIS IS A DISC RACE!”

There is some hope on the horizon though with Downing Street set to strip away any regulations at all that make anyone safe, in order to appear to be making a success of Brexit.

“Last year Boris had to save Christmas from the decisions made by Boris in the pandemic,” the Turkeys raged. “IT WAS A NEAR RUN THING. This year? Bloody EU! We voted in 2019 to GET CHRISTMAS DONE and we meant ALL CHRISTMASES. NOT JUST THE ONE’S BEFORE BREXIT. GOBBLE! GOBBLE!”

Responding to the concerns from the turkeys the government issued this statement : “We have listened to the concerns of the turkeys who voted for Christmas and we will be raising their taxes. Rest assured that no one in the government is going to go without this December. We have the inherited wealth to pay for it.”

The new reality of Brexit Britain, where personal wealth will determine standing of living more and more should give some measure of comfort to the turkeys who voted for it.

“It is aspirational,” the spokesbird agreed. “Just think if I choose a better accident of birth next time around I could be the one feeding off the turkeys and not the main meal. I’ll work harder to achieve that. Just like old Boris.”

TOP SECRET : OPERATION IDIOT has been “green lit” by the Home Secretary in what is predicted to be a boom for the indigenous British goldfish biotechnology industry.

Under the plan millions of goldfish-shark hybrids will be bred at a top secret research facility located inside the basement at Chequers before being given the “taste of human blood”. Once they are fully trained they will be released into the ENGLISH Channel.

It is hoped that news of the new and highly dangerous ornamentals swimming up and down the Channel will deter refugee crossings from France.

“So far having an ageing racist shout at the sea hasn’t worked to stop people fleeing our arms export industry,” a Home Office source told LCD Views.

“The invention of the most crap action figure ever, Dan The Clandestine Channel Threat Commander, also failed. Probably because no one knows where he is. So it’s time to involve the UK’s world leading science sector in the effort to gain the reputation as the most racist European nation going. We can do it if we all pull together as a team and cheer the goldfish-shark hybrids on.”

But critics of the scheme have asked why goldfish were chosen for the breeding programme and not just actual sharks?

“A junior minister has a school friend whose paper cup factory has gone into bankruptcy. Allowing him to reinvent himself a biotech genius will validate transferring millions of taxpayers cash to the Caymans, via his current account. It’s a win win.”

Additionally goldfish are believed to be the Prime Minister’s favourite animal.

“He thinks voters have the memories of goldfish and when he’s done with them he can just flush them away. Like the voters.”

The release of the fish should add to excitement on British beaches next year when they “start washing up with British Brexit turds.”

SWINGS AND ROUNDABOUTS: We must pay more NI, the Crime Minister has announced. This is to compensate for losing NI to the naughty wicked EU.

There is no Magic Money Tree, as his predecessor would have claimed. Well there is, and it’s very useful for personal enrichment, but it never seems to work for the common good. So instead low earners must put their filthy hands in their unworthy pockets again, this time to bail out the failures of Brexit.

“NI for NI!” boasted Johnson at a press conference for the favoured few. Rapturous cheers erupted from the surrounding sycophants in the room. Johnson relaxed, as his ego swelled. “You don’t get something for nothing!” he bellowed, sounding like a cross between Margaret Thatcher and a social media troll. “NI must go up to save NI! There is no alternative!”

This was splendid stuff, but unfortunately he had nothing else concrete for his adoring fans.

“Erm, erm, erm, I say, yes, no, oh yes, NI for NI!” he waffled. “At least we have a plan, unlike the negligent Opposition who haven’t put a decent policy in place for eleven, yes my friends, eleven years!”

Funny that. But why must the poorest in society pay for the abject failure of Brexit to maintain the integrity of the United Kingdom?

“Yes, well, no, erm, erm, wiff waff,” Johnson replied convincingly, as the journalists swooned and giggled girlishly. “That’s not right, but even if it is, erm, yes, no, erm, we all benefit, and that’s the issue here.”

And will the people currently hiding untold billions in offshore accounts out of reach of the taxman be asked to contribute at all?

“Don’t be ridiculous!” said Johnson to spontaneous applause. “Only the little people pay taxes! NI! NI! NI!”

Like the Knights Who Say NI, he shambled off in search of a shrubbery.

Wanted: One Prime Minister, currently missing. Please check your fridge.

CHOOSE YOUR LEADERS WELL : British Prime Minister Boris Johnson is reported as “rocked to his core” last night after a dinner guest mentioned the crisis in Afghanistan, between courses.

“Initially the PM thought his guest was referencing the first book by Winston Churchill, The Road to Mandalay, and he was ready to blag his way through the next few minutes. But slowly it dawned on him the donor was talking about current affairs.”

The identity of the donor is unclear, although it’s thought to be a structurally bankrupt paper cup manufacturer willing to donate heavily to the Conservatives, once he’s received a contract to manufacture blood test tubes of variable standard.

“He may even stump up for the next nanny,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It’s a very exciting prospect. It was worth investing time and having another donor purchase dinner. The PM likes to lead by example. This is how you improve your prospects by hard work and is an excellent example for those on Universal Credit.”

The end result of the conversation is a new focus by Mr Johnson on the crisis in Afghanistan. Unkind critics suggest he “sleepwalked into” it because he could care less, leaving thousands of Afghanis at risk of a terrifying, short future.

“The polling isn’t great,” the source explains. “Dom being on a beach as Afghanistan fell to the Taliban has cut through in the same way that the other Dom breaking pandemic restrictions cut through. Mr Johnson needs to get on the front foot and pretend to be involved or plans for a 2022 GE are imperilled.”

The main idea now will be for the PM to be “seen to be doing something”, before he has lunch.

“We are considering flying him to Afghanistan to stage a photo shoot with a mop,” the source adds. “But that’s got way too much support within the cabinet.”

NO MATTER HOW FAR NOW MATTER HOW LONG IT TAKES : UK Foreign and Commonwealth Secretary Dominic Raab is seeking to repair his irredeemably shattered reputation as a humanitarian today.

But it’s not Afghanistan that is the focus of his bulging brain but the millions of lost EU workers. It’s reported that while at lunch today with “some of the chaps” he overhead background conversation on the challenges facing British industry since the Oven Ready Brexit was signed, sealed and partially delivered.

“He’s in a lather,” an aide to the puzzled politico told LCD Views. “He wants to be seen front and centre leading the search and rescue operation to locate the missing EU workers.”

It’s believed Mr Raab has ordered that “high mountain peaks” and “low, shady valleys” should be the first place to look in case the lost workers went for a hike and got lost. He is drawing on his personal experience as he designs the strategy to rescue them.

“The real winners here will of course be the EU workers who have gone back across the Channel,” the aide says. “They’ll never have to face living under a government staffed by such spectacular idiots as Raab who strip them of rights given them at birth by virtue of shared humanity, and then wonder where they’ve all gone?”

Staff surrounding the struggling Home Secretary are said to be attempting to explain that the phrase he overhead did not mean the EU workers were physically lost, but have been lost to British industry because of Brexit. It’s understood hopes are not high on a breakthrough though as it would involve Raab understanding he’s at fault and he’s not programmed by his designers to process that.

STRAINED HIS SINEW : The U.K. foreign secretary Dominic Raab is said to be “still confused” this morning after telling staff he was told by Boris Johnson he will be nominating him for the “Noble Peace Prize”.

The major source of confusion seems to be Raab’s inability to understand the alleged remark by his boss may have been being sarcastic. Boris Johnson has passed the high watermark of his interest in Afghanistan now and just wishes it would all go away, so he can get on with his hi vis and photo shoots.

“Raab is trying to work out what piece of what prize he will win and why it’s so well intentioned,” an aid to the permanent surprised Secretary of State told LCD Views.

The nomination will at least give the ranks of sycophantic back bench Tory MPs something else to tweet about sycophantically in his defence. They will do whatever they’re told, no matter how dense, which is some source of comfort to the entire Tory Party.

“None of the excuses, none of the deflection, none of the exaggeration, none of the lies, none of it would have been needed if he had just stayed at his desk and done his job,” the aide sighed. “Or even taken his phone off aeroplane mode when he got to the luxury resort. He is still waiting for his phone to fly by the way. He’s incredibly well qualified to be in Johnson’s cabinet. Don’t you think?”

The multiple pile up of failures by Raab has also angered campaigners who say MPs should be paid more so they focus more on their job.

“We have to sort out some employment criteria first,” one told LCD Views. “Allowing people who are lazy as roads and thick as mince to stand for election at Westminster isn’t doing anyone any favours. Especially not the people of Afghanistan.”

Mr Raab is said to be waiting expectantly by his phone to see if he has won the Nobel Peace Prize and if he has will “take some time off to celebrate”.

TEAM WORK MAKES THE DREAM WORK : The British Prime Minister is as famous for standing by his friends as he is for his Scottish, Cornish, Caribbean, Canadian and Italian holidays, and he’s not going to leave Foreign and Commonwealth Secretary Dominic Raab out to dry.

“Dom has enough on his hands just dealing with global matters,” a 10 Downing Street source says. “When Raab first entered the Foreign Office he found a giant globe of the Earth in the foyer. He’s still searching it for the corners. He’s heard there are four. He can’t even find one. It’s really taxing. He needs his time off to recharge and continue his personal mission.”

Recent time off coincided with international crisis as Raab was waiting by the sea in Crete at a £6,000 a night villa, waiting for the sea to open. That’s what Raab said. And then the Taliban just took over pretty much all of Afghanistan. Just like that.

“No one saw it coming. Except for various foreign governments who’ve been evacuating people for weeks,” the source says. “Dom was given briefs but he couldn’t work out how to wear them. There wasn’t even a YouTube instruction video.”

Happily this is where Boris Johnson steps up to the plate to help out his friend.

“How can Johnson just leave Raab out to dry on the beach? He’s done everything wrong that Raab has done and a lot more besides. So he’s found a really neat solution which is actually symmetrical, like a sphere. I think.”

The solution to the Afghanistan problem appears to be to offer to pay the Taliban a lot of money. A lot.

“All they need to do to receive the cash incentive is provide three weeks holiday cover a month for Raab. If the test of the scheme is successful it could really take off and be extended to 10 Downing Street too.”

Won’t there be concerns about allowing foreign powers’ medievalist functionaries dictate U.K. foreign policy while Raab is off?

“Don’t be silly. What foreign policy?”

NOT WAVING DROWNING : If Boris Johnson has anything to do with it the United Kingdom will avoid the worst impacts of the Climate Change disaster that is clearly already occurring.

Surprisingly it seems Brexit is to thank for it and the cascade of negative consequences that are now daily mounting as a result of deciding to go through with it.

“Mr Johnson is the leader Britain needs if it’s to avoid the catastrophe of rising sea levels and terrifying weather events,” an aide to the Prime Minister reveals. “He’s been working on his plan to save the U.K. from the horror of the environmental meltdown for years. Ever since he decided to go with Leave and not Remain.”

It seems the genius strategy is simplicity itself and is already working.

“We’re a global laughing stock and the guffaws around the world are getting louder,” the aide says. “This is exactly what Mr Johnson intended. If you’re not embarrassed by the rapid disintegration of the UK’s standing and its ability to function domestically yet, you soon will be.”

The prize the Johnson strategy aims to achieve is to make the U.K. “so terribly embarrassed that it will sink into the sea with shame.”

This looks likely to happen well before Climate Change becomes insurmountable and will spare us all having to live through the events of years to come.

“By the time the low lying areas of the U.K. join up with Doggerland in one massive sunken landscape we’ll already be a modern Atlantis. And hiding behind our stone sofas. There’s nothing to worry about from climate change. From no working fast food chains to empty supermarkets and on to defeat by the Taliban the U.K. now looks ridiculous to everyone. We’re sinking fast and that’s just what Mr Johnson wants.”

The U.K. will be the first modern industrialised state to vanish beneath the waves from embarrassment and we have the heavy weight of shame heaped on us by our own corrupt and unchallenged political leadership to thank for it.

A country dying of shame? Just Boris being Boris. It’s what the people decided.