Category: Global Britain

Chinese hackers successfully hacked Britain’s first talking computer today after discovering, to their amazement, that the password was just “password”.

“We truly were stunned,” one told LCD Views’ technology analyst on the condition of anonymity, “we thought this was going to be tougher than hacking Donald Trump’s twitter account. It was.”

It seems a select group of hackers, employed by the Chinese government, have been preparing for the tour of Britain’s first talking computer, nicknamed ‘the Maybot’, for weeks.

“We only found out the Maybot was going on tour a few weeks ago,” our source revealed, “that in itself was a little surprising. Such little planning for such a major event? But we have been hard at training ever since.”

It’s believed, although successful in their mission to hack inside the talking computer, which impressively can also walk, the hackers have not been able to steal anything much of interest.

“There’s a few important phrases stored. Brexit means Brexit. Breakfast means breakfast. Red, white and blue breakfast,” the source continued,

“But mostly it’s an altogether weirder experience. It took us a little while to work out what we were looking at. But we realised in the end.”

Well, what was it? What did you steal? Britain’s secrets are now already for sale on the dark web we suppose?

“No. Don’t be silly. Why would we give away what we’ve worked years to achieve?

What we found inside was a computer representation of a human mind frozen in complete terror and unable to decide between fright or flight.”

It’s believed the agent controlling the group was less than impressed by this.

“Our controller said if he wanted to know in advance what an entry for next year’s Turner Prize looked like, he wouldn’t bother, because he doesn’t want to know. Although, personally I think the whole hard drive was probably fried by the millennium bug years ago.”

Nonetheless, they’ve been ordered to go back in and keep going until they found something compromising.

“We’re not allowed out until we get something that can be used to blackmail the next British PM into letting us build another nuclear power plant, but this time inside Westminster Abbey.

Oh, there was another thing. It seems the Maybot has been told to solve only one puzzle.”

Which is?

“Can Britain use gunboat diplomacy again, after Brexit, to force the Chinese to buy drugs from Britain and give you lots of cash? We can save you the bother. The answer is no, you can’t.”

Moon landing conspiracy theorists were in a celebratory mood today with the confirmation that rumours the disused aircraft hanger used to film the fake moon landings in the 1960’s and 70’s is being refit to film Trump’s UK state visit, are true.

“This is a turning point for conspiracy scientists in all fields,” Dr Tinothy Foile told LCD Views, “our decades long crusade for truth is finally bearing fruit.

Why, once the faking of Donald Trump’s state visit to the UK is proven, it will lead naturally to the whole world finally realising no man has walked on the moon. After that, who knows? Vaccines and autism link proven, most likely.”

Although it’s not certain when the filming will take place, it has been ascertained, by documents leaked to Dr Foile from a source inside the US military, that a long list of British celebrities will be in the crowd to ensure the film is believable.

“Arron or Aarron or Arrrrrrrrrrrrn Banks, how do you guys spell his name again?” Dr Foile continued,

“Nigel Farage, Theresa May, Boris “BS” Johnson, Owen ‘BS’ Patterson, Jacob Needs-smog?, someone dressed like the Queen, an actor playing Prince Philip, well, the list goes on to David ‘not a disaster’ Cameron. It’s really going to be something.”

As to release dates for the film, that is dependent on the negotiations between Donald Trump’s astrologist and 10 Downing Street to determine the best phase of the moon to film the state visit in.

“This should be way easier than when they faked the moon landings,” Dr Foile remarked,

“the expense to drag the moon out of orbit and miniaturise it to fit inside a manmade structure almost bankrupted the United States.”

While the final title of the cinematic marvel will most likely be determined by the general public, the good doctor has a suggestion for what the film should be called,

“The Loon Landing,” Tinothy was adamant, “grab your popcorn, this conspiracy is going to make both Brexitannia and Donald Trump great again!”

The NHS has issued a stark warning today that significant additional funding will be required just to cure Boris Johnson of his delusions of grandeur. Oh, and of talking crap all the time.

“I would estimate an additional £100M per week for five years,” Dr Focken Stopp told LCD Views.

“The handlers needed to contain and sedate him alone will cost millions.

Most will need to be brought in from countries that deal with rogue predators on a daily basis.”

Next it’s thought the sedatives required to make Mr Johnson safe will run to nearly a million pounds.

“And of course, it’s not certain any current biohazard facility will be suitable. It’s not just the security, it’s the padding and sound insulation for the treatment rooms.”

Feeding a beast of Mr Johnson’s size and appetite will also be costly.

“The sheer amount of bullshit he consumes is only matched by the amount that comes out of all of his orifices. The daily clean up bill, the water and soaps and disposable suits? Millions and millions.”

And this is just to establish a regime to attempt a cure.

“It will cause non-treatment of many existing NHS patients. Pretty much every psychologist and psychotherapist working in the service will need to be diverted to tackle Boris and his delusions of grandeur. Oh, and talking crap all the time.”

Are there any alternative treatments?

“Homeopathy is worth a try. Contact with even a microscopic amount of truth may prove fatal in the early stages of treatment.

I suspect the best cure would be for whoever on earth is voting this prize arsehat into office to just stop doing it.”

After then Mr Johnson could be given an LBC show, to continue with talking therapy, with his fans?

“No. I would recommend a hermitage on the same island near the North Pole all Conservative MP’s flee to when there’s bad news around. But for Boris, there’s no ship to bring him back. Just weekly food drops from high altitude.

It’s potentially a boom for flotation based tour operators. A Brexit bonus, if you will.”

LCD Views’ has the patriotic duty to announce today that the government has ordered the Royal Navy to send its last frigate on a mission to divert the first ferry to travel between Cork, Ireland and Santander, Spain.

“Ireland and Spain are attempting to subvert the will of the people,” Boris Johnson will tell a media scrum this lunch time,

“the people of Britain, and Northern Ireland, delivered an overwhelming mandate on the 23rd June, 2016, to disrupt day to day life as much as possible across all the islands.

In fact, the mandate delivered by Northern Ireland alone should have led to the hardest of Brexits already.

They know that an imaginary customs border arrangement, made entirely of sponge and cheesecake, will more than suffice to stop any of the minor ramifications no one at Westminster is losing any sleep over and hoping will magically solve themselves, as with the boring Irish border question.

We are not going to allow the breakaway province of the Republic of Ireland, to upset the apple cart by simply doing what the rest of the world will do in 2019, ignore and go around us.

We are imperially minded towards Ireland still, it’s in our ruling Tory DNA, and don’t you forget it!”

The frigate, HMS Swansong, is currently in dry dock at Portsmouth having a Napoleonic era, mermaid figurine fitted to its prow.

“Once the mermaid, Starbucks, is fitted to the prow and its bust polished, the Swansong will be positioned off the coast of Cork and ready to pounce!”

The plan afterwards is to forcibly divert the Brittany Ferries’ boat to the coast of Cornwall. There it will beach in Mousehole harbour, climb up the harbour steps and begin to traverse across England on magic stilts designed by Mr Johnson.

This will deliver the economic boost to Cornwall promised by Brexit. More than compensating for any losses from EU development funding and investment.

“It ensures so much revenue generated from VAT alone, as the ferry stops at motorway services, that the NHS will be certain of funding forever.”

Afterwards, the HMS Swansong will travel to Dublin and capture the Irish Ferries’ tub, which intends to run between Dublin and France. This will be just before the Russians sink it.

“You can’t just subvert the will of the British people by making our mainland an irrelevance for your pocketbook going forward. We won’t have it.

And if it happens, we’ll deny it is happening. Pufflefabble!

Now, I’ve got to go and deliver a rubber cheque to the NHS before Hunt organises a counter offensive.”

Commemorative plates picturing the mermaid Starbacks on the HMS Swansong can be purchased direct from the 10 Downing Street shop, but only while stocks last.

A cross party amendment to the EU Withdrawal Bill slipped through by the House of Commons without anyone noticing last week, as we were all too distracted by Boris “Bungle” Johnson’s big Bungle bridge idea.

“We hold ourselves personally accountable,” LCD Views’ political editor wished to apologise.

“We focus our attention on the big hitters of British politics, and sometimes John McDonnell.”

We’d like to apologise.

“We will spend more time following the BBC’s lead from now on and just obsess about UKIP in order to get better ratings.”

It seems the amendment was put forward by Jacob Rees-mogg and seconded by Jeremy “We don’t care what the actual data says anymore either” Corbyn, in order to get the French out of our coat of arms.

“This will best prepare the United Kingdom for life as an isolated, ferocious, pioneering, global trading nation getting the shit owned out of us at the WTO by countries no one remembers ever having heard of,” Ms May, Prime Minister (allegedly), is to say later today.

It won’t be the only change to the famous coat of arms.

“We’re putting a lot more unicorns in,” parliament said this in unison, “both major parties want to jam it full with them,

“There’s a bit of disagreement over whether they should be blue or red, so we’re going for a mixture of both. We can see the personal profit on both sides of the political divide.”

Everyone will find it easier to remember the updated phrase too.

As it’s a proper INGLISH saying and not some forrin muck.

You’ll all be saying it over and over from 2019 whenever a forriner asks what the hell is happening to the United Kingdom, so may as well get practicing.

“We’re not racists, but,” say it again and again.

It’s what happens when you make UKIP’s raison d’être your sole reason for being.

Outside observers have commented though we would be better changing the famous motto to,

reductio ad absurdam…

Theresa May handed her close friend Donald Trump a way around the impasse over funding for his border wall today by saying the U.K. would pay for the wall.

“I want to make this clear, this is our gift to our special friends across the water,” the pm stated, to the background sounds of a magic money tree being not just shaken, but chainsawed to the ground and turned into wood chips.

“All we ask for in return is the chance to talk about holding trade talks with the United States as we prepare to exit the European Union and take our place on a flatter Earth as a bold, buccaneering, swashbuckling country afraid of the dragons at the edges of the maps.”

There was no immediate reply from the White House.

An aide to Donald Trump did assure he would respond, only after he was sure May creating a Minister for Loneliness didn’t mean she was a loser no one talked to? Because he himself wouldn’t seek to help such people.

Before asking who Theresa May was again?

Is she blonde?

Does she accept hush money?

The aide suggested finally, “leave the money in bags at the back door of Trump Tower and Donnie will think about it.”

This will be interpreted by the British tabloid press as an enormous success, guaranteeing the financial security of a post Brexit U.K.

The BBC will also present it this way, for balance.

While there were some murmurs of dissent within May’s cabinet at the plan to send hundreds of billions of pounds to Trump Tower, in unmarked notes, there was support for the prime minister from a sometimes critical corner.

“This is perfectly sensible and pragmatic planning from our wise and matrononic prime minister,” J. Rees-mogg soothed, “Paying huge sums to secure trade deals will make us all richer.”

Mr Rees-mogg went on to explain that his investment business specialises in “emerging markets”.

Leading one to ask the question, just asking you understand,

Does doing business with regimes with a flexible approach to rule of law in anyway influence an inheritance squllionaire’s attitude to Brexit and the importance of charters of rights for everyday folk?

Work on the wall is due to begin Saturday with Boris Johnson demolishing the first Mexican home.

“Boris will swing the hammer!” May trumpted, hands clenched in the air.

This will be a symbol of the close and enduring, special relationship between the United Kingdom and POTUS. Not necessarily a measure of our moral fibre.

The British Foreign Secretary, Boris Johnson, was in an expansive mood last night when he announced plans for a new cross-channel bridge while having dinner with the President of France.

The Bungle, as it’s been nicknamed by admirers of the bold initiative, is to be completed in time for the UK’s triumphant return to the EU in 2075.

“Working with our fantabababoulist colleagues in the Department for Transport we will build a bridge to somewhere,” Boris told a wry looking Macron, “a sparkling example of what a Britain, freed of the constraints of the EU can do.

We look forward to working in partnership with our friends in the EU to build a bridge symbolising our deep and lasting union, even when we’re out of the union and trying to return.”

The bridge, which will begin at a brownfield site in Kent and terminate in Calais, is to be constructed by a consortium handpicked,

“By my colleague Chris Grayling, who, after consultation with senior donors of the Conservative Party have selected Global Carillion 2.0 to lay the foundations. Global Carillion is a shining example of British teamwork, not for nothing is it nicknamed ‘the Phoenix that never sodding dies’.”

Internal critics in the government have agreed the bridge is an excellent initiative, but have demanded it should cross the Atlantic instead.

This will make it easier for US based asset strippers to cart off the remaining treasure of the U.K. post March 2019.

The response from the EU has been muted, in its enthusiasm.

“They want us to pay for it,” a spokesman for the ECB said, “what’s the point of spending decades building a symbol of partnership? Some clown lol Boris, having escaped from a Jeeves and Wooster novel, will just smash it down again.”

While there has been surprise that the EU has heard of Wodehouse, otherwise the British contingent have interpreted the response as a definite yes, how much money do you want?

Ms May has not been asked for comment because she’s not really the Prime Minister, not really.

Construction begins tomorrow, after the visas for the construction teams have been sorted out.

Build a bridge and make it to somewhere.

The President of France, Emmanuel Macron, has expressed deep shock this morning at learning what the Bayeux Tapestry is all about, and hopes it will not impact on the mood when he talks to Theresa May tomorrow.

“I thought it was the story of when the English, under the last English/German/Viking king of Anglo-Saxon-Scandinavian England, you know, back when England was just for the English, unlike when it was Roman internationalists, or before that, when it was various continental celtic tribes, defeated the French/Norman usurper William the Bastard, at Hastings, by your charming English seaside,” he explained,

“To learn it’s the reverse! Sacré bleu!”

It’s believed the offer of the loan of the famous cloth artefact was meant to ease relations between England and France before their leaders meet tomorrow.

It may have done the reverse for how the English press is viewing it as a subtle bit of Gallic triumphalism, and a warning of what’s to come with the Brexit negotiations this year.

We asked our international diplomacy correspondent, Doctor Blanque Check, what he makes of the French faux pas?

“I’ll make of this phopar whatever you want me to,” he responded, aptly signalling why he is the highest paid imaginary member of our staff, “this is the French being too clever for their own good.

Tomorrow, Emmanuel Macron, is going to sit down on a short legged chair, pat the cushion of the one next to his, and ask Ms May to take a seat next to him, ‘mon mois préféré de mai’”

After Ms May acquiesces, President Macron will say something like this in geezer, to make sure Ms May gets it,

“Do you want a jungle in Dover, you great steaming, robotic pillock?

Because the way you’re going, sweetheart, you’ll find your English border right back in England and thousands of refugees camping along your frozen beaches.

How do you think that’s going to play with the tub thumping idiots you rely on to keep you in power?

No idea? Cat got your tongue?

I’ll tell you.

It’s going to spin your head so fast counterclockwise that those little, bitty bolts that hold your head on will pop right out and the whole show will fall right off. That’s how.

Now give’s your financial services, pharmaceutical, aerospace industries, get ready to pay forty percent more for brie and billions for border security and piss off.”

And how does Doctor Check believe this will play with Ms May?

“She’ll be backing a referendum on the terms of Brexit faster than Corbyn can blink when he hears it,” the doctor replied, “by the way, it’s a frigging embroidery, not a tapestry! What is so bloody hard about that?”

Boris Johnson took a step closer to getting his own reality television show today by choosing to side with the cheeto faced, racism spewing, alleged Kremlin colluding, sock puppet across the pond instead of London’s mayor Sadiq Khan.

“We here at ‘You can be serious’ productions would love to film a month in the life of Boris Johnson as he attempts to cycle to work through a rain of yellow liquid hurled by Londoners,” a talent scout for the company told LCD.

A spokesman for the foreign secretary tried to downplay excitement over the potential television series.

“He’s not ready yet. He maybe siding with a narcissistic man child who retweets manufactured, racist propaganda, but until he starts retweeting such content himself, or doubles down and calls the citizens of countries he has previously insulted with Victorian era phrases something scatalogical, we have advised him not to sign any deals with ‘You can be serious’, because let’s be honest, he can’t.”

Critics of the foreign secretary have also suggested that,

“the actual pompous, puffed up popinjay is the entitled, blonde buffoon who decided to endanger the entire future of the country he represents by backing a side of serial liars and hate mongers in an important referendum campaign, just to get one up on a former school chum who fancies pigs a little too much.”

We here at LCD Views find the Johnsons’ intervention on the side of Trump, and not Khan, even more curious, given Trump is already heading the news for denigrating a big percentage of the world’s citizens as living in a shithole.

Maybe just keep out of it Boris? Oh wait. You’re jealous Nigel was in the news so you decided to jump in?

It’s unlikely London’s mayor is endangering the special relationship between the U.K. and the USA, as Trump is doing that all on his own. And besides, not many of us want a special relationship with Trump.

There is only one pompous, puffed up popinjay in this row and he’s endangering the U.K.’s relationship with reality, daily.

Millions of tourists and people who suffer admin screw ups between the Home Office and the country’s banks are to be gifted free trips to their real homes this year thanks to new Home Office rules forcing banks to perform immigration status checks.

“This is a golden opportunity to mismanage documents and kick out all the benefit scroungers,” Fayda Jansen, patriot, told LCD Views.

“When I got this job at my local bank branch I was pretty bummed out. It meant less time fighting for Britain by spam sharing factually based, patriot posts on social media. Which is my true calling.

But now, if someone who isn’t white and so doesn’t have a right to be on English soil comes up to the counter I can just shred their paperwork and book them a seat on Southern’s new Deporting You First, cross channel train service.

I now love the Home Office.”

But critics of the scheme have hit back.

“The Home Office has already announced it’s closing the Chunnel and turning it into a mushroom farm.

If the government u turns on this promise to keep it open to deport illegal humans, who by the way, shouldn’t be here in the first place if they can afford the buffet car prices on their journey home, how are they going to get them out?

No English boat is going to be free to do it. They’ll all be patrolling BRITISH WATERS as part of the Border Volunteer Force. It’s not thought through.”

Another critic, speaking for a human rights organisation, was similarly unimpressed,

“Okay, this is clearly racist, in intent, which fits with Brexit Britain. Is clearly open to abuse. Is a clear data privacy risk. Is going to discriminate against elderly and poorer people who may not have all the documents needed to hand, and so will be stuffed while they sort things out, and to top it all off, they’re going to put forced to use Southern.”

But Christopher Greylimb, government minister responsible for awarding the plumb contract to Southern defended the scheme.

“We’re caring Conservatives,” he said with a dead eye and a weasel’s smile.

But LCD Views is not convinced.

We’re concerned this is more evidence that Global Britain means deporting anyone not born in Britain, or who hasn’t the paperwork to prove it, to anywhere else on the globe.

Just maybe, maybe, it’s another change under May’s loving reign that makes us a teeny, weeny bit racist…