Category: Global Britain

The Eurocratic superstate was trembling in its boots today after Downing Street fired the first trade in a trade war by threatening to shoot itself.

“They need to know we mean business,” grumbled Kwasi Kwarteng, MP for Speltthorne, Surrey, “that they can’t just threaten to attempt to maintain a frictionless border with the United Kingdom. We won’t stand for it. We’re prepared to do what it takes to come out on top.”

It was a reassuring statement for people wondering how on earth a nation of 65M, currently sliding down the scale of world economies, is going to face off a united union of nearly half a billion people, comprising the largest trading bloc on earth.

“This is classic divide and conquer,” Kwasi added, “We’ve divided ourselves and now we invite the EU to conquer.”

It’s not certain how the obscene superstate will respond as it’s yet to finalise its plans for a EU army.

“We’ve got them on the run,” Kwarteng added, “you see this loaded shotgun, you see both barrels pointed at my feet, you see my finger sliding around the trigger? I’m prepared to pull the trigger unless…”

Unless the EU gives us the cake and eat it trade deal we’re demanding.

“I’ll let you in on a little secret though,” said the Conservative Party Brexiter, “we actually want to pull the trigger. You may not have noticed, but the people really, really keen on Brexit and Brexit of the hardest kind, are all disaster capitalists most likely working hand in glove with an ill intentioned foreign power.

I’m amazed we’ve got away with it this long. Although the complicity of the official opposition, thus far, certainly helps.”

Kwasi went on to confirm he would be appearing on all BBC outlets over the coming days because all the usual Tory MP’s shoved out for the purpose of lying through their teeth to the country are currently a bit shop soiled.

“We’ve got to get better at our set ups,” Kwarteng admitted, “Probably best to keep Jacob Rees-mogg out of the planning from now on. His little conspiracies keep blowing up in his face.”

Downing Street offered clarity this morning to the United Kingdom’s importers and exporters with the news that the United Kingdom will definitely leave both the indefinite and the definite custom’s union.

“This is the certainty we’ve been waiting for,” said a farmer standing at the border with the Republic of Ireland and about to move a herd of cows across the road, which is the border,

“now I know I have to plan for ridiculous delays, increased costs and the potential return of paramilitary violence, I feel great. Certainty means certainty.

It’s nice to know that Downing Street, and England in general, are focused on the real dangers to my living and personal safety in my future. And I’m sure they’ll pull a customs union rabbit out of the hat that keeps everyone happy anyway. They’ve still got a year or so to invent it.”

And the farmer was further encouraged by the big shift announced that once the United Kingdom is free of the tyrannical tyranny of a multinational trade dispute arbiter, individuals and businesses who believe their competitors are not playing by the agreed rules, will be able to appear on the Jeremy Kyle show.

“I can’t believe our luck,” the farmer added, “to know that a proven resolver of disputes is prepared to take up the duties once performed by the ECJ is just adding further to my sense of impending doom, bankruptcy and terror. I wonder if I’ll be lucky enough to get on the show?”

Jeremy Kyle himself was not available for comment about the exciting re-direction in his carer, said to be currently undertaking a lie detector test to certify for insurers that he is not going to lie when he settles disputes.

We’re just making this up as we go along. We’re Global Britain 2.0, Imperial Reboot edition.

“Jeremy Kyle means Jeremy Kyle,” said Theresa May.

 

LCD Views have taken the silken cloth off our crystal ball this morning and in it seen that Labour are in a jubilant mood after former Secretary of State for Education, Justine Greening, crossed the floor. That may not sound like the best set up, but just imagine if it happened, how much would you laugh?

”They’ve been working hard since the June 8th general election to make one crack,” Krad Nibats told LCD Views,

“Activists have been on the pavement week in and week out in any constituency where a Tory MP saw their majority cut from ‘I can vote for a return of child labour, match factories and Brexit’ to ‘omg omg omg’.”

It’s believed it was just a matter of time till one of the senior Conservative MP’s said sod this and left the party, knowing that in the coming general election they would be swept out of their seat and into the political dustbin anyway.

It’s coming. It’s coming. Beware the Ides of March.

“It’s actually been on the cards since the following scene played out in early January in the prime minister’s office,” Krad Nibats added, and handed us a couple of sheets of script.

INT. Prime Minister Theresa May’s Office – Day

A tired woman sits rigid behind a desk. She’s a husk.

She’s attempting to click her fingers in time with a grandfather clock in the corner. But she isn’t able to do it. Always a fraction late as the second hand ticks.

This is Theresa May, prime minister of the United Kingdom. Somehow.

It looks like there’s wires attached to her shoulders and arms, pulling her up towards an invisible puppet master.

A few nervous underlings pace back and forth. They stare at their phones. No one makes eye contact with anyone else.

Theresa’s desk would be an acre of empty space without the one thing placed on it.

A tarantula in a glass case.

CLOSE ON

The tarantula as it reaches lazily up the side of its tank. See those fangs. Make them huge.

Stay on the tarantula and hear the door to the office open.

                                                     Theresa

“Ah, so good of you to come Justine.”

                                                     Justine

“Skip the sweet talk Theresa. We all know why I’m here. And I’ll tell you how it’s going to go.”

PULL BACK

See Theresa transfixed. Terrified. She’s been terrified for so long now. She never knows what to do.

END SCENE

It’s coming.

News is breaking today, first on LCD Views’ and later the BBC, of the incredible gathering of birds outside parliament, as over five hundred ostriches stage a protest over chronic sand shortages.

”In all my years of broadcasting I have never witnessed a flock of birds this mad,” begins Kay Burley, with the Sky News report,

“Reports started to hit the news wires at dawn this morning of a squadron of black, white and grey birds flying low over the capital and headed for Westminster Green.”

The RAF did dispatch Tiger Moths to intercept the UFO’s, not suspecting ostriches as they have to be furious to fly, but the bi-planes we’re eaten when they made first contact. Bye planes.

”AIr raid sirens sounded across London as people stared blearily into their coffees and didn’t bother to look outside because what could possibly be worse than this current farce of a parliament?”

The next one?

The Met ordered marksmen to rush to Westminster Green, but that didn’t happen because Mark said no.

”I was one of the first on the scene, arriving just after Auntie, with a camera man and a man who wasn’t a camera, to capture the unfolding drama.”

Uncle arrived late.

”But what at first seemed like an airborne attack by a hostile force was quickly discovered to be a flock of ostriches, who had decided to bring their rage and despair at perceived injustice straight to the doors of the counrry’s law makers and oath breakers.”

They weren’t allowed inside. Health and safety PC gone mad over fears of hygiene risk.

The PC was later calmed down.

”I identified an individual who appeared to be the group’s spokesbird and asked why they were here?”

Because we’re not there, he replied.

”He told me they were flocking mad. He brandished an empty plastic bucket, such as a child would use on a beach.

It appears the birds have flocked to parliament to protest the chronic sand shortages faced by ostriches now, that on balance the country’s parliamentarians have buried their heads as a group in the sand over their harm they’re doing collectively to the UK’s interests.”

What do we want? The birds are now shouting in chorus.

We want our sand.

When do we want it?

We want it now.

”We’re not going to stand for this injustice any longer,” the spokesbird proclaimed, “at least, until we can bury our heads in the sand again.”

More on this evolving story as it unfolds.

Great news of advancing preparations for Brexit by the government today with the announcement that proper British queuing is to be taught in British schools, instead of tolerance, to better prepare tomorrow’s leaders for Brexit.

We’re not sure who is currently education secretary, it’s such a hot potato, who’d want it? So we invented a spokesman for the Department of Education.

“I’ll serve well enough,” said Bumble-UKuf, MP for Tommorow, “this is bold and imaginative planning on behalf of your government catering for the needs of your children, yesterday and the day about seventy years before yesterday.”

Under the new guidance, which must be followed by all schools but “free schools”, modules in British queuing will,

”Replace that all outmoded PC gone mad crap we’ve been shovelling down our kids throat ever since we decided wars and food rationing were bad things.

We’ll the new golden era of true British racism is being born again. No more attempting to understand and accept, to avoid inter-national conflict.

Tub thumping classes will replace music lessons shortly too, by order of your Prime Minister.”

We asked our team of education correspondents what they thought of all this?

”Do we have to wait in line and talk one at a time?” the choir returned.

Yes of course! We can see our entire platoon of education reporters will be down for remedial classes.

”I think it’s great,” A Student replied, “tolerance, respect for neighbours, sense of community, loyalty to friends, those are all provably shared values among many cultures.

But proper British queuing? That’s what we do best! We’ll show the world how queuing is done again after Brexit.”

Mostly of course for bread and if we’re lucky a nip of counterfeit schnapps.

Queue for Britain. Go on. Form an orderly line. You know you want to queue for Britian.

 

LCD Views has heard a confirmed rumour that the MP for Maidenhead, Theresa May, has writen to the chairman of the 1922 committee demanding a Tory Party leadership contest after hearing the British PM’s second class EU citizens speech.

”She was shocked, sickened a little actually,” an aide to the Maidenhead MP told us,

”the whole speech was clearly a coded play to mollify the racist, tub thumping, deluded, nostalgia freak idiots in her party who are threatening to plunge the knives in unless she starts treating anyone not born in little England like dirt.”

It’s not clear how many letters are in the drawer of the chairman’s desk demanding a leadership contest, and an attempt to replace Theresa May as party leader, but it is believed to be perilously close to the forty eight needed.

”We know the entire cabinet has written a letter each. Boris actually has written multiple ones alone. So it’s really just a matter of days now. One more screw up or u turn and it’s all go. It’s coming. Just wait.”

Theresa May herself is said to be desperate to know how many letters are there and who they are from.

”Every day she has to say something farcical in order to placate some headcase with a pen in their hand who has glared at her in a threatening way in the Commons.”

So it seems, now that Theresa May has lost the support of the MP for Maidenhead she is unlikely to see through the negotiations with the European Union?

”What negotiations? You’re just being silly. We’re not negotiating. We’re being told how and where we can go, and how fast.”

Copies of all the letters will be available to purchase from the 10 Downing Street Global Britain cafe and gift shop, after the contest occurs.

While you’re there, why not purchase a cream tea and a scone? Because we won’t be selling any of that foreign muck.

Chinese hackers successfully hacked Britain’s first talking computer today after discovering, to their amazement, that the password was just “password”.

“We truly were stunned,” one told LCD Views’ technology analyst on the condition of anonymity, “we thought this was going to be tougher than hacking Donald Trump’s twitter account. It was.”

It seems a select group of hackers, employed by the Chinese government, have been preparing for the tour of Britain’s first talking computer, nicknamed ‘the Maybot’, for weeks.

“We only found out the Maybot was going on tour a few weeks ago,” our source revealed, “that in itself was a little surprising. Such little planning for such a major event? But we have been hard at training ever since.”

It’s believed, although successful in their mission to hack inside the talking computer, which impressively can also walk, the hackers have not been able to steal anything much of interest.

“There’s a few important phrases stored. Brexit means Brexit. Breakfast means breakfast. Red, white and blue breakfast,” the source continued,

“But mostly it’s an altogether weirder experience. It took us a little while to work out what we were looking at. But we realised in the end.”

Well, what was it? What did you steal? Britain’s secrets are now already for sale on the dark web we suppose?

“No. Don’t be silly. Why would we give away what we’ve worked years to achieve?

What we found inside was a computer representation of a human mind frozen in complete terror and unable to decide between fright or flight.”

It’s believed the agent controlling the group was less than impressed by this.

“Our controller said if he wanted to know in advance what an entry for next year’s Turner Prize looked like, he wouldn’t bother, because he doesn’t want to know. Although, personally I think the whole hard drive was probably fried by the millennium bug years ago.”

Nonetheless, they’ve been ordered to go back in and keep going until they found something compromising.

“We’re not allowed out until we get something that can be used to blackmail the next British PM into letting us build another nuclear power plant, but this time inside Westminster Abbey.

Oh, there was another thing. It seems the Maybot has been told to solve only one puzzle.”

Which is?

“Can Britain use gunboat diplomacy again, after Brexit, to force the Chinese to buy drugs from Britain and give you lots of cash? We can save you the bother. The answer is no, you can’t.”

Moon landing conspiracy theorists were in a celebratory mood today with the confirmation that rumours the disused aircraft hanger used to film the fake moon landings in the 1960’s and 70’s is being refit to film Trump’s UK state visit, are true.

“This is a turning point for conspiracy scientists in all fields,” Dr Tinothy Foile told LCD Views, “our decades long crusade for truth is finally bearing fruit.

Why, once the faking of Donald Trump’s state visit to the UK is proven, it will lead naturally to the whole world finally realising no man has walked on the moon. After that, who knows? Vaccines and autism link proven, most likely.”

Although it’s not certain when the filming will take place, it has been ascertained, by documents leaked to Dr Foile from a source inside the US military, that a long list of British celebrities will be in the crowd to ensure the film is believable.

“Arron or Aarron or Arrrrrrrrrrrrn Banks, how do you guys spell his name again?” Dr Foile continued,

“Nigel Farage, Theresa May, Boris “BS” Johnson, Owen ‘BS’ Patterson, Jacob Needs-smog?, someone dressed like the Queen, an actor playing Prince Philip, well, the list goes on to David ‘not a disaster’ Cameron. It’s really going to be something.”

As to release dates for the film, that is dependent on the negotiations between Donald Trump’s astrologist and 10 Downing Street to determine the best phase of the moon to film the state visit in.

“This should be way easier than when they faked the moon landings,” Dr Foile remarked,

“the expense to drag the moon out of orbit and miniaturise it to fit inside a manmade structure almost bankrupted the United States.”

While the final title of the cinematic marvel will most likely be determined by the general public, the good doctor has a suggestion for what the film should be called,

“The Loon Landing,” Tinothy was adamant, “grab your popcorn, this conspiracy is going to make both Brexitannia and Donald Trump great again!”

The NHS has issued a stark warning today that significant additional funding will be required just to cure Boris Johnson of his delusions of grandeur. Oh, and of talking crap all the time.

“I would estimate an additional £100M per week for five years,” Dr Focken Stopp told LCD Views.

“The handlers needed to contain and sedate him alone will cost millions.

Most will need to be brought in from countries that deal with rogue predators on a daily basis.”

Next it’s thought the sedatives required to make Mr Johnson safe will run to nearly a million pounds.

“And of course, it’s not certain any current biohazard facility will be suitable. It’s not just the security, it’s the padding and sound insulation for the treatment rooms.”

Feeding a beast of Mr Johnson’s size and appetite will also be costly.

“The sheer amount of bullshit he consumes is only matched by the amount that comes out of all of his orifices. The daily clean up bill, the water and soaps and disposable suits? Millions and millions.”

And this is just to establish a regime to attempt a cure.

“It will cause non-treatment of many existing NHS patients. Pretty much every psychologist and psychotherapist working in the service will need to be diverted to tackle Boris and his delusions of grandeur. Oh, and talking crap all the time.”

Are there any alternative treatments?

“Homeopathy is worth a try. Contact with even a microscopic amount of truth may prove fatal in the early stages of treatment.

I suspect the best cure would be for whoever on earth is voting this prize arsehat into office to just stop doing it.”

After then Mr Johnson could be given an LBC show, to continue with talking therapy, with his fans?

“No. I would recommend a hermitage on the same island near the North Pole all Conservative MP’s flee to when there’s bad news around. But for Boris, there’s no ship to bring him back. Just weekly food drops from high altitude.

It’s potentially a boom for flotation based tour operators. A Brexit bonus, if you will.”

LCD Views’ has the patriotic duty to announce today that the government has ordered the Royal Navy to send its last frigate on a mission to divert the first ferry to travel between Cork, Ireland and Santander, Spain.

“Ireland and Spain are attempting to subvert the will of the people,” Boris Johnson will tell a media scrum this lunch time,

“the people of Britain, and Northern Ireland, delivered an overwhelming mandate on the 23rd June, 2016, to disrupt day to day life as much as possible across all the islands.

In fact, the mandate delivered by Northern Ireland alone should have led to the hardest of Brexits already.

They know that an imaginary customs border arrangement, made entirely of sponge and cheesecake, will more than suffice to stop any of the minor ramifications no one at Westminster is losing any sleep over and hoping will magically solve themselves, as with the boring Irish border question.

We are not going to allow the breakaway province of the Republic of Ireland, to upset the apple cart by simply doing what the rest of the world will do in 2019, ignore and go around us.

We are imperially minded towards Ireland still, it’s in our ruling Tory DNA, and don’t you forget it!”

The frigate, HMS Swansong, is currently in dry dock at Portsmouth having a Napoleonic era, mermaid figurine fitted to its prow.

“Once the mermaid, Starbucks, is fitted to the prow and its bust polished, the Swansong will be positioned off the coast of Cork and ready to pounce!”

The plan afterwards is to forcibly divert the Brittany Ferries’ boat to the coast of Cornwall. There it will beach in Mousehole harbour, climb up the harbour steps and begin to traverse across England on magic stilts designed by Mr Johnson.

This will deliver the economic boost to Cornwall promised by Brexit. More than compensating for any losses from EU development funding and investment.

“It ensures so much revenue generated from VAT alone, as the ferry stops at motorway services, that the NHS will be certain of funding forever.”

Afterwards, the HMS Swansong will travel to Dublin and capture the Irish Ferries’ tub, which intends to run between Dublin and France. This will be just before the Russians sink it.

“You can’t just subvert the will of the British people by making our mainland an irrelevance for your pocketbook going forward. We won’t have it.

And if it happens, we’ll deny it is happening. Pufflefabble!

Now, I’ve got to go and deliver a rubber cheque to the NHS before Hunt organises a counter offensive.”

Commemorative plates picturing the mermaid Starbacks on the HMS Swansong can be purchased direct from the 10 Downing Street shop, but only while stocks last.