Category: Global Britain

PLAY TO YOUR STRENGTHS : The Home Secretary Priti Patel is convinced that the way to stop asylum seekers arriving in the U.K. is deterrence and that the greatest deterrent is herself.

“It’s a vote winner,” a Home Office source told LCD Views. “Being cruel wins votes. It makes the people who vote for cruelty feel better about their own lives. If I can empower the government to punish people for accident of birth then it must mean I’m better than them. And if we can keep the focus on the Channel then we don’t have to look at why people are undertaking life and death journeys to begin with. We don’t have to talk about our arms export industry for one, climate change for another, international kleptocracy either. It’s very simple. But to keep being effective for the people who want it it has to be seen to be effective. You have to get the balance right. Currently it’s a total bin fire. The French won’t control our border for us. Typical.”

But the Home Secretary now has a new strategy to reduce those Channel crossings to a level that keeps it under discussion on the BBC and in the tabloids, but convinces her public supporters that she is getting the job done.

“She’s going to start employing asylum seekers in her office as her staff,” the source claims. “You do not want desperate people arriving in the UK and then telling friends and family back home that it is a humane and welcoming country. That’s catastrophic to the rebrand of the UK post-Brexit. You want them to say to their relatives still dodging British made munitions in some ghastly and largely ignored war zone that the UK is worse. Stay home. It’s not worth the risk!”

There’s no better way to do that than to have newly arrived humans work directly for Priti Patel.

“Just the midmorning wedgies alone should do it,” the source adds. “And if they don’t the post lunch screaming sessions when she’s got an upset stomach will nail it.”

OPEN ALL HOURS: The country that famously took back control of its borders is now complaining at France. This is because it wants France to control their border, to stop people noticing that it didn’t really take back control. 

Or rather, it did, but couldn’t be bothered to actually put in the necessary work. Equally famously, the country employed a Clandestine Channel Threat Commander, to sort out all the problems with smelly migrants. Alas, he is so Clandestine that he has disappeared in a puff of smoke. 

This leaves rentagobshite Nigel Farage, who unfortunately hasn’t disappeared in a puff of smoke, to shout impotently into the void instead. In Brexit Britain, this apparently passes as policy these days. 

This leads to column inches in the more intolerant press. They continue to churn our sensational headlines to enrage people who neither live near the coast, nor have ever encountered any problems with incomers. 

“Les Anglais ‘ave a certain je ne sais quoi,” remarked French border controller Paul de Otherone. “They ‘ave plenty of chutzpah, but no schadenfreude. Something ‘as got lost in the translation, je pense.” 

It’s a bit rich asking the French to control our border for us, isn’t it, asked LCD Views in perfect Franglais. 

“If Les Anglais cannot stop boats crossing La Manche, it is not our fault,” said de Otherone, with a Gallic shrug. “C’est la vie, n’est pas? But we Francais, we ‘old all the cards. And once the boats leave the EU, there is no need to ‘ave them back. I ‘ate to ‘ave to say it, but Les Francais, we fart in your general direction.” 

This leaves the UK blowing in the wind, its policy in tatters, its border as secure as a pair of Farage’s discarded Union Jack underpants. 

No policy is better than a bad policy. This is where we are now. Border means border. 

I’M A LUMBERJACK AND I’M OK: World beating green PM and notorious tree hugger Boris Johnson has made another unsustainable promise. He will, personally, end deforestation in the next ten years. Sources claim that he will actually make good on this promise by cutting down all the world’s trees during the intervening period.

There is only one snag to this cunning plan. “I sleep all night, and I work all day,” explained Downing Street mole Tim Burr. “That’s his personal motto, but ‘I bonk all night and I drink all day’ would be much closer to the mark.”

So it looks like we will be saved from Johnon’s fiendish schemes by his own laziness.

“Yes, but it won’t matter,” said Burr. “He will go into interviews conducted in the heart of an ancient woodland and he will claim that there is no such thing as trees any more. Even the BBC will put two and two together and realise that the man’s a charlatan.”

LCD Views always asks the important questions. Does Johnson skip? Does he jump? Does he like to press wild flowers?

“He will if there’s a camera on him,” said Burr. “In the same way that he goes for morning runs, cycles everywhere, supports the England football team. He’s an actor, and not a very convincing one.”

A bad actor? Or a bad faith actor? 

“Yes,” said Burr unhelpfully. “Almost nothing in his personal manifesto is true. He doesn’t go shopping on Wednesday, he doesn’t even like buttered scones, there is no evidence that he dresses in women’s clothing, although he does hang around in bars quite a lot to be fair.” 

So does that mean the world is safe? 

“Because one man is an idle twonk? No,” said Burr. “There are plenty of rapacious deforesters who will take his inaction as consent and burn the planet in his name while he gets kickbacks.” 

At least we should all be nice and warm for the next few years… 

TAKE BACK CONTROL : Reports are coming out of 10 Downing Street this morning of SHOCK and DISMAY in the Elysee Palace after the UK GOVERNMENT HIT BACK over fish.

The control of the polluted British fish stocks in the Channel has become so important that the UK is prepared to sacrifice anything in order to prove it is IN CONTROL. It was felt a high level diplomatic SLAP was the only way to show MACRON and the WORLD that post-Brexit UK was “having its hake and eating it”.

The French government is yet to respond to the MAJOR BLOW to the entertainment plans of its President next year, who was expected to join ALL WORLD LEADERS in visiting the Festival of Brexit and wondering open mouthed at British culture and infection rates.

“The Festival of Brexit is the real dawn of the 21st Century,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Not to receive a complimentary ticket will be a burn on the prestige of France no amount of ice can soothe. Even if it was red, white and blue ice.”

The banning of the French president and his delegation from the Brexit festival, even before he had confirmed he wanted to come, shows the world what Boris Johnson’s UK is about.

“Allies need to take note,” the source continues. “We clearly need them or we’ll starve in darkness, but on the surface we must have daily aggression in the headlines or the looting of the UK state will become visible to all.”

Further measures are planned if the French don’t back down and do as their told.

“We will be issuing even more fishing licences to French vessels and not publicising it,” the source advises. “We’ll also ban anything French from our rich, post-Brexit cultural landscape. That will show them we mean business!”

RED TURD ALERT : Downing Street is facing criticism that it’s on the path to creating a nanny state worthy of Brussels today after it announced a “traffic light” warning system for Great British beaches.

“Operation : Discharge has been established to give Great British bathers the information they need to bathe responsibly,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “The easy to understand green, amber and red light symbols will allow you to use your personal responsibility to avoid discharged turds while swimming in the Great British sea. If you see a Red light at Dover simply drive to Newlyn and swim there. It couldn’t be simpler. The fact that a friend of the Johnson’s is being paid £250m to draw it with crayons is neither here nor there. They’re the best person for the jobbie.”

But internal Tory Party critics of the system have said it is entirely unnecessary and is simply an act of gesture politics which is “splashing taxpayer’s money up the sea wall when it should be transferred to the Cayman Islands.”

“Swimming in our effluent was a traditional family event prior to the EU tyranny,” a Sewage Research Group spokesman told LCD Views. “Warning British beach goers of the risk of contracting cholera will do untold damage to the tourism industry. We won’t stand for it. We’re going to sit in protest on Scarborough Beach and plop some fresh ones out in protest.”

WHEN IS A DEAL NOT A DEAL: When it’s an Australia-style points-based deal, that’s when! It appears that the squeaky clean squeaky voiced pork marketeer Liz Truss has finally mastered believing six impossible things before breakfast.

But what does this all mean? The deal, which was proudly touted as a triumph not long ago, has been revealed as a sham. Champagne, or shambolic? 

So Truss has entered the fray, to save face, or at least to throw some more dead cats on the table in order that we might believe in fairies and unicorns too.

“We import 99% of our Vegemite,” explained Truss slowly, as if talking to particularly dense schoolchildren. “This. Is. A. Dis. Grace!”

It’s not as if a perfectly good British equivalent were not available.

“There is a solution to this,” she declared, pausing for effect. “An Australia-style points-based trade deal means we only buy stuff we want, not all the other rubbish that gets tagged along with the kangaroo testicles. We will only accept goods that reach our world beating standards.”

And how are these standards to be declared and maintained?

“We are going to appoint a Clandestine Australian Points Commander,” she said, with an undisguised note of triumph in her voice. “The Commander will assign points to all the tat that Australia tries to flog us, although we may insist he is more generous if the Aussies let us win the Ashes this time around.”

Truss disclosed that she has also tried to assimilate Australian culture, in a further bid to curry favour.

“I have learned the words to that song about Australia!” she boasted. “Listen… ‘I come from a land down under, where… something… can you hear thunder? You’d better get under cover!’ I can also play the flute solo, well a bit of it!”

Only one outcome. Nul points.

PAY TO PLAY : 10 Downing Street has confirmed this morning that the official job title of the country’s most prominent minister has changed. It was felt the old title of Prime Minister of the United Kingdom and Northern Ireland was too long for modern attention spans and something “retro” and “catchy” would be best to reflect the contemporary British political climate.

“We settled on Tsar Boris Johnson because everyone knows what a Tsar is,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Rumours that Mrs Johnson came up with the idea first are true, but we will not confirm it unless everyone starts looking for her Rasputin.”

While the job title may have been shortened the public should not be concerned that the duties of the office held by Tsar Johnson have changed.

“If anything he’s taking on more work,” the source advises. “The new title reflects well the accumulation of executive power by 10 Downing Street and opens the way for the post to be inherited by one of Mr Johnson’s various children. The Queen is right behind it because the Royals will do what we tell them to if they want to keep their palaces. Also Tsar is reminiscent of the links of the British royal family with other historical autocrats. In this way it’s a very sympathetic change.”

The public are warned though not to be concerned that the connotations of absolute rule the title holds are anything to worry about.

“We’ll be passing a law to make it illegal to disrespect the office of Tsar. So if you’re bothered about it I’d keep quiet.”

But it’s not just a rebrand so Mr Johnson’s title reflects his behaviour and the direction of travel of the United Kingdom.

“When you have a look at the list of Tory Party donors you’ll understand it’s a really nice gesture by the Johnson’s. A doff of the cap to oligarchs who pay to play in the UK today.”

LORD DRUMPF OF DRUMPF : The UK’s most prominent unelected bureaucrat LORD David Frost is celebrating today after the announcement he has received an honorary doctorate from a prestigious international university.

The doctorate confirms little Lord David as a Doctor of International Diplomacy and is being greeted as a just reward for his tireless efforts to be Boris Johnson’s personal wrecking ball through both the UK relationship with its entire continent, and more specifically into the fragile peace in Northern Ireland.

Lord Frost is expected to attend a mask-less award ceremony later this winter and receive the doctorate in person from the University’s CEO Donald Trump.

Speaking to the press about the decision a spokesman for Trump University released the following statement,

“Not many people know this but Lord Frost is like an adopted son to Donald Trump. The way he makes deals and backtracks on his commitments is Trumpian to a tee. No one has done more damage to the relations between the limeys and those other people who live somewhere close than Davey. Former President Trump is considering hiring him to negotiate his return to the White House.”

Critics of Lord Trump’s antics have been quick to point out that an honorary doctorate from a defunct, and fraudulent university, is no gong at all. However supporters of both Lord Frost and his organ grinder Boris Johnson say the prize is perfectly Brexit.

“Brexit is one great big dishonest fraud perpetrated by weird little men with deep insecurity complexes. A doctorate from Trump University is about as good as it gets.”

10 SUN LOUNGE STREET : Welcome reassurance for anxious Brits today after Downing Street confirmed that contingency plans had been drawn up in case another crisis hits the UK while Prime Minister Boris Johnson is away.

Initial speculation had focused on who was actually running the country in the PM’s absence, but that was settled to everyone’s satisfaction by a look at the list of Tory Party MP’s donors. It’s reasonable to assume you don’t pour millions into the pockets of politicians for nothing. Nonetheless there must at least be a show of the traditional structures of UK governance being in place.

“We have the food supply, fuel supply, pandemic, farming, fishing, energy and basic democratic accountability crises ongoing,” a source from 10 Downing Street told LCD Views. “They are all really strong and keeping everyone very busy. But some have asked what would happen if another crisis hits while Mr Johnson is um, ah, working from home in Spain?”

Clearly strong leadership is required to lead a nation which is in perpetual self-generated crisis, but happily Mr Johnson will provide the consistent lead the ship requires.

“The contingency plan is composed of many working parts,” the source explains. “Various Tory MPs will team up with our courtiers in the media to deny any new crisis is occurring at all. That normally buys a few days. Then we’ll admit there is a limited problem before apportioning blame onto the sector we caused the problem to occur in. It’s a well rehearsed playbook now. There’s nothing to worry about. There’s just one extra string added to the bow.”

The extra string concerns the geographical location of the PM himself.

“Whatever the crisis is it will not impact on Mr Johnson. You can be reassured of that. And if it’s really bad he will extend his holiday.”

KNOW THYSELF : The UK’s Prime Minister Boris Johnson is not content to rest on his laurels of one of the world’s worst pandemic responses, he’s also after the very fabric out of which the country is woven.

Immigrants. We all know they’re bad. They’ve been bad since they arrived and threw up all those stone structures we take so much pride in, they’ve been bad since they taught us to farm, they were bad when they came and made roads and toilets, bad when they arrived to lay down the foundations of the country in successive waves over centuries and especially bad when they made everyone speak French for a while. Boris Johnson knows this. You know this. From imported Dutch and German kings, when we couldn’t manufacture our own, and all the way to the Queen marrying a Greek man. Immigrants! What have they ever done for us? Apart from fish and chips. Oh, and then we went and conquered half of them and brought home enough loot to create the British Museum.

None of that thought compares though to the damage actually done by Britain’s most famous immigrant right now.

“It takes one to know one,” Mr Johnson told the Conservative Party Conference earlier today. An audience with many heavy hitters. A lot of them the children of immigrants. Which makes all the immigrant hating for votes especially confusing.

“Yes some immigrants come over here and drive trucks and what not, but that is nothing compared to the damage the most celebrated immigrant is currently doing. Dismantling the country so fast if he wasn’t a Russian asset he may as well be one. Or North Korean! Why not the Manchurian Candidate? Same difference. Look at the wreckage.”

Boris Johnson was of course talking about Boris Johnson. He’s the exception to the rule (of law).