Category: Global Britain

WON’T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE STATUES : 10 Downing Street has reacted swiftly to the shocking and unpatriotic decision this week to clear the Colston Four of criminal damage.

“Those judges are the enemies of the statues,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Long dead white men cast in bronze are the bedrock of the UK’s cultural life and identity. What the decision this week says to the army of the woke is beyond calculation. Saboteurs and fifth columnists will say that the court merely upheld the law but we all know that the law doesn’t matter under Johnson’s government.”

Happily though for any red faced ageing men with high blood pressure the Prime Minister is rumoured to have taken personal control of the matter.

“Mr Johnson convened a cheese and wine tasting last night and came up with a bold course of action to stop these vile progressive forces in their tracks. And what’s more it twins neatly with the levelling up agenda he’s so proud of.”

The plan appears to be to invest heavily into Bristol.

“We’re going to drain Bristol Harbour. This way no one will be throwing any more statues into it. There will be a minor cost to shipping in the area, but that’s something we can live with because other people take care of the consequences of our poor thinking. You just wait until the next statue is dragged to the edge of the harbour wall by some scruffy yoghurt eating layabouts! The shock on their faces when they see just a dry and stony landscape where once was water will be priceless.”

Bristol Council is said to be fully behind the plan and will be pushing for the dry harbour to be consecrated as a shrine to Colston and all he stood for.

“It’s important that everyone gets the message loud and clear,” the source added. “Only Tory MPs are allowed to do criminal damage to the UK.”

GRIN WHEN YOU’RE WINNING : Most people on the continent of Europe are shackled to domestic suppliers for their utilities, and often enough even for food. The people of Britain are different and can now seize the opportunities of a global marketplace “thanks to Brexit”.

Much has been written in the press over recent days about the soaring costs of living in the UK now that it has regained its sovereignty. Doomsayers, worrywarts, girly swots and the terror of modern dialogue, the woke, are wringing their hands over inflation headed towards 10%, but they miss the point of Brexit.

“If you are staring down the barrel of a gas bill that means you can’t afford food then you really need to try harder,” the Tory MP for Bassetdog-in-Baguette tells LCD Views. “Why would anyone choose to stay handcuffed to an old utility supplier when they can strike a deal with one in China or Brazil? Russia, India, Patagonia, all these markets are ready and open to trade with Brits. It’s hard to have much sympathy for a voter who can’t understand how a simple block of butter became so expensive when he hasn’t even tried to import one from Alaska.”

The advice is of course just a welcome extension to the logic of Brexit.

“We had to free ourselves from the largest trading bloc on Earth in order to send Liz Truss globetrotting striking new deals from a much weaker position,” the MP notes. “This was a stroke of genius. No one saw us coming. People will sign anything. They’re so surprised. So imagine what an individual Brit can now do with their sovereignty if they just get on the phone to the other side of the world? If 67m is greater than 500m in terms of deal making, what is the power of one?!”

FESTIVE SEASON SPECIAL : WORKING OUT WHAT VARIANT OF THE PLAGUE is in your home is one of the new must do past times for Global Britons. Whatever maybe said about the quality of leadership of the UK Government during the pandemic, no one can accuse them of being out of touch with viral fashions.

“It’s about synergy,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “You can not keep justifying awarding mates of ministers multi-million pound PPE and testing contracts if we don’t have the latest variant in house, so to speak. We’re world leaders in the rapid import of each new strain, assuming we haven’t cooked it up at home. In that case we’re world leading exporters. This is what winning for Global Britons looks like. Import and export of CV-19 strains. No one can touch us and increasingly no one wants to.”

But it’s not just ministers that are keen to be seen with the latest pathogens, ordinary hardworking Brits are conscious of staying up to date with the latest developments in the pandemic too.

LCD Views has studied the literature available and put together the FIVE SIGNS THAT YOU MAY HAVE THE OMICRON VARIANT.

It’s very straightforward.

1. Is your Prime Minister Boris Johnson? If you answer yes that you are odds on to have OMICRON right now!

If you’re unsure than all you need to do is put together a list of your symptoms, which leads us onto…

2. Is your Prime Minister Boris Johnson? Anyone who doubted that a shambolic and emotionally retarded clown couldn’t manage the pandemic to ensure his voters have the MUST HAVE variant need look no further than the reading on their latest digital thermometer. If the temperature is rising you know who’s in Downing Street.

3. Is Your Prime Minister Boris Johnson? If you answer yes and you don’t have symptoms of today’s newest bit of rampant RNA than don’t worry, you’re probably asymptomatic and can ensure the non-availability of testing will help you keep your community current. Even if you can get a test if is just possible it’s with a company that has no prior experience in the field but had the right member of the PM’s government in their contact book.

4. Is Your Prime Minister Boris Johnson? Look no further than your bedsheets. They’ll be damp, dirty and in need of changing in no time. But not because you’ve been busy between the sheets, if you know what we mean. A microbe is though, replicating like mad inside your cells. Nice.

And lastly, but certainly not least, we come to the fifth sign that almost guarantees you have the latest in viral loads.

5. Is Your Prime Minister Boris Johnson? You can’t keep a good man down and there is nothing your Prime Minister won’t do to ensure you’re a card carrying member of the platinum club. If platinum means years of attritional anxiety to the point where the most minor of physical comforts has you fearing it’s all over. Just pack those kids off to school and wait for them to come home talking about the class mate in the unfiltered air with the cough.

Take the day off from worry. Take ten days off consecutively. If you answered yes to one or all of our straightforward questions than you can be sure if you don’t have OMICRON today, you will tomorrow. World beating.

WHEAT FROM CHAFF : U.K. workers are to be urged by the government to go on a “great productivity drive“ to counter balance the mysterious headwinds affecting the economy.

While it’s not yet clear why Brexit and a lethally mismanaged, economically illiterate pandemic policy focused solely on looting the country to enrich political donors and chums has hurt growth, except in tax havens, the net result is an alarming debit on the national balance sheet.

The U.K. government is to respond by urging all patriots to “redouble their doubled efforts” and “discard leisure time as harmful to the country”. A public information campaign will be launched to shame people who sleep, eat, use the toilet and in other ways fail to “repair the damage the wizard did”.

“The gig economy is bursting with low paid, insecure work that we urge all Britons to seize before we have to offer greater employment protections. For some baffling reason the decision to drive millions of skilled people away has only caused wage inflation in Class 1 driving jobs. Brexiters and Lexiters are to hold a great conflab to decide which Labour leader to blame. This is preferable to acknowledging decades of sticking your head firmly in your arse and ignoring a changing world was a mistake,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.

In the interim you are urged to “give up your Saturdays” and “bin Sunday” before anyone starts wondering if the government of the U.K. is comprised solely of “grifting, brain dead, entitled idiots puffed up by dark money funded think tanks into thinking personal enrichment is the sole aim of governance.”

“The recent outburst of envy over the PM’s Christmas parties while people died alone and scared in isolation, because he was too thick and disinterested to use a circuit breaker in September 2020, shows how serious the situation is,” the source added. “Britons must work harder so the Prime Minister can party without it becoming boring gossip in the media.”

COMING OVER HERE : There’s been a few questions for some time in the United Kingdom over how in hell the half arsed Test and Trace system cost the taxpayer a cool £37 billion pounds? Especially when comparable countries managed working systems for a lot less money.

Clearly giving the NHS the resources, on the basis that local health authorities already have to trace infectious diseases, was a non-starter, because who’d get obscenely wealthy overnight if that happened?

“A few well connected private companies were chosen because it was payday,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Would you have had us control the virus effectively like some sane, pragmatic and modern country? How many good chaps who donate to the Tories would have benefited from that? I mean once you determine that being poor is one of the greatest risk elevators in the pandemic it’s nothing to worry about.”

Still people are asking where the money went? Especially as for most the experience of the service is that it does not function properly, if at all, although that is the benchmark of Johnson’s Britain.

“It’s really quite easy to explain,” the source goes on, “once you perform a full frontal lobotomy on yourself. It’s the Channel migrants. France is sending them over in boats to steal the money and give it to the EU. Which of course faces bankruptcy every single day without British cash.”

That’s it. A few people in dinghies. They’re to blame for everything and not the scheming, inhuman con artists who decided to let it rip.

“I mean, it wouldn’t be so bad if they knew how to Conga dance and could pay homage to our glorious war dead in a public spectacle.”

GRIN WHEN YOU’RE WINNING : THE UK’S WORLD BEATING HOME OFFICE is giving the stick to thousands of foreign scientists who have attempted to undermine Brexit.

Early this morning Home Office Secretary Priti Patel began personally signing deportation notices to all the foreign scientists and Nobel laureates who thumbed their nose at her offer to come and work in the UK via the special fast track visa scheme.

“They think they can do Great Britain down? Well they’ll have to think again now!” a Home Office source told LCD Views. “We extend the open palm of friendship and give them a way to leapfrog the queues at are boarders but they’re too good for us? We will see about that.”

The deportations will be actioned immediately with many of the Nobel prize winners finding themselves rapidly moved to a grimy, unheated, virus infected concrete blockhouse prior to being shipped back to where they haven’t come from.

“Clearly there’s a few technical difficulties involved in deporting people who aren’t in the country,” the source explains. “We’ve hired actors to play the roles of the Nobel prize winners and they have now been released into our communities to perform. Immigration enforcement officers will soon track them down and place them under lock and key. After that it will be a swift kick up the back side and over the Channel and into France with them!”

The deportations in absentia will act as a warning for any other category of foreign talent who try and undermine Brexit.

“We’re a successful country who welcomes anyone who wishes to contribute to our political culture of government via tabloid,” the source adds. “Once the world sees what happens to you if you don’t come here they’ll soon get the message to stay away. Which is just the way we like it.”

PRITI IS AS PRITI DOES : The UK’s world beating Home Secretary is said to be laughing like a drain today after she finally hit on a solution for what she perceives as the problem of humans in the English Channel.

It’s been well known for some time that Ms Patel is seeking a way to stop people coming to the UK by thinking “outside of the box”. Everything from dressing Border Force agents up as crocodiles to building a floating wall of inflatable Johnsons has been considered to stop people crossing the Channel. But now she’s nailed it.

“The arms industry is ecstatic,” a Home Office source told LCD Views. “So too fossil fuel lobbyists. Not to mention whatever remains of the UK’s service sector which assists foreign investors with their hard won money. Those three drivers of migration from foreign places would prefer no one talks about why people choose to undertake often fatal journeys in search of a new life. Ms Patel is their greatest asset.”

The solution to the refugee crisis is definitely unexpected too.

“She’s going to let them all land at Dover,” the source advises. “Which may seem counterintuitive but the devil is in the detail.”

And the detail will show the French who is boss of that strip of water.

“All the asylum seekers will be given safe passage to our shores and immediately given passports,” the source explains. “But the passports will be French. It’s genius. Then France will have to take them all back. It’s a wonder no one thought of this before. We couldn’t have done this if we hadn’t have done Brexit.”

The new scheme will come into force just as soon as a French company has been contracted to produce the passports.

“The alternative is to treat the people who make it across the Channel like humans, properly screen them, determine their skill sets and assist them in integrating into society, working and paying taxes. But that’s far too German for Boris Johnson’s government.”

PLAY TO YOUR STRENGTHS : The Home Secretary Priti Patel is convinced that the way to stop asylum seekers arriving in the U.K. is deterrence and that the greatest deterrent is herself.

“It’s a vote winner,” a Home Office source told LCD Views. “Being cruel wins votes. It makes the people who vote for cruelty feel better about their own lives. If I can empower the government to punish people for accident of birth then it must mean I’m better than them. And if we can keep the focus on the Channel then we don’t have to look at why people are undertaking life and death journeys to begin with. We don’t have to talk about our arms export industry for one, climate change for another, international kleptocracy either. It’s very simple. But to keep being effective for the people who want it it has to be seen to be effective. You have to get the balance right. Currently it’s a total bin fire. The French won’t control our border for us. Typical.”

But the Home Secretary now has a new strategy to reduce those Channel crossings to a level that keeps it under discussion on the BBC and in the tabloids, but convinces her public supporters that she is getting the job done.

“She’s going to start employing asylum seekers in her office as her staff,” the source claims. “You do not want desperate people arriving in the UK and then telling friends and family back home that it is a humane and welcoming country. That’s catastrophic to the rebrand of the UK post-Brexit. You want them to say to their relatives still dodging British made munitions in some ghastly and largely ignored war zone that the UK is worse. Stay home. It’s not worth the risk!”

There’s no better way to do that than to have newly arrived humans work directly for Priti Patel.

“Just the midmorning wedgies alone should do it,” the source adds. “And if they don’t the post lunch screaming sessions when she’s got an upset stomach will nail it.”

OPEN ALL HOURS: The country that famously took back control of its borders is now complaining at France. This is because it wants France to control their border, to stop people noticing that it didn’t really take back control. 

Or rather, it did, but couldn’t be bothered to actually put in the necessary work. Equally famously, the country employed a Clandestine Channel Threat Commander, to sort out all the problems with smelly migrants. Alas, he is so Clandestine that he has disappeared in a puff of smoke. 

This leaves rentagobshite Nigel Farage, who unfortunately hasn’t disappeared in a puff of smoke, to shout impotently into the void instead. In Brexit Britain, this apparently passes as policy these days. 

This leads to column inches in the more intolerant press. They continue to churn our sensational headlines to enrage people who neither live near the coast, nor have ever encountered any problems with incomers. 

“Les Anglais ‘ave a certain je ne sais quoi,” remarked French border controller Paul de Otherone. “They ‘ave plenty of chutzpah, but no schadenfreude. Something ‘as got lost in the translation, je pense.” 

It’s a bit rich asking the French to control our border for us, isn’t it, asked LCD Views in perfect Franglais. 

“If Les Anglais cannot stop boats crossing La Manche, it is not our fault,” said de Otherone, with a Gallic shrug. “C’est la vie, n’est pas? But we Francais, we ‘old all the cards. And once the boats leave the EU, there is no need to ‘ave them back. I ‘ate to ‘ave to say it, but Les Francais, we fart in your general direction.” 

This leaves the UK blowing in the wind, its policy in tatters, its border as secure as a pair of Farage’s discarded Union Jack underpants. 

No policy is better than a bad policy. This is where we are now. Border means border. 

I’M A LUMBERJACK AND I’M OK: World beating green PM and notorious tree hugger Boris Johnson has made another unsustainable promise. He will, personally, end deforestation in the next ten years. Sources claim that he will actually make good on this promise by cutting down all the world’s trees during the intervening period.

There is only one snag to this cunning plan. “I sleep all night, and I work all day,” explained Downing Street mole Tim Burr. “That’s his personal motto, but ‘I bonk all night and I drink all day’ would be much closer to the mark.”

So it looks like we will be saved from Johnon’s fiendish schemes by his own laziness.

“Yes, but it won’t matter,” said Burr. “He will go into interviews conducted in the heart of an ancient woodland and he will claim that there is no such thing as trees any more. Even the BBC will put two and two together and realise that the man’s a charlatan.”

LCD Views always asks the important questions. Does Johnson skip? Does he jump? Does he like to press wild flowers?

“He will if there’s a camera on him,” said Burr. “In the same way that he goes for morning runs, cycles everywhere, supports the England football team. He’s an actor, and not a very convincing one.”

A bad actor? Or a bad faith actor? 

“Yes,” said Burr unhelpfully. “Almost nothing in his personal manifesto is true. He doesn’t go shopping on Wednesday, he doesn’t even like buttered scones, there is no evidence that he dresses in women’s clothing, although he does hang around in bars quite a lot to be fair.” 

So does that mean the world is safe? 

“Because one man is an idle twonk? No,” said Burr. “There are plenty of rapacious deforesters who will take his inaction as consent and burn the planet in his name while he gets kickbacks.” 

At least we should all be nice and warm for the next few years…