Category: Global Britain

The Royal Navy struck the first blow for Global Britain today in the new era of international trade, birthed by the geniuses at Downing Street, as hundreds of naval mines were laid in French waters.

”It was Liz Truss’s idea,” Field Marshall Liz Truss (recently promoted) told LCD Views, “If we’re going to force the French to buy prime British cheddar after Brexit, we’re going to need to convince the French. This will likely involve a land invasion, so I have requested my colleagues at the Royal Navy to pave the way underwater.”

She then went on,

”Did you know British cheese makers are the finest in the world and it’s a scandal that anyone in Europe makes their own?”

Other plans are thought to involve a total naval blockade of French fishing ports and the aerial bombardment of Paris with speeches by Wafflefuhrer Boris Johnson (recently sideways promoted).

But critics of the strategy are questioning whether it’s really value for money? And just how many trade deals do we expect to make with such a belligerent foreign policy?

”It worked in the past,” Gunner Gove (recently promoted) told us, “why won’t it work now? We never had a problem invading our neighbours for commercial reasons prior to joining the EU. No reason why it won’t work now.”

Still, in spite of the impressive size of the Evian bottles that the MOD propaganda arm have specially commissioned (private suppliers), constructed to specifications designed by Lord Rees-mogg (inherited title), in order to be able to contain the naval mines and float, it’s inclear if the actions won’t have unexpected consequences.

”What, like closing the Chunnel six months early?” scoffed Lance Corporal Liam Fox, head of the Department for International Trade,

“This just gives us the initiative. Believe you me, this will be the easiest naval action in history, better even than Gallipoli. And it gives us green points too, as the plastic bottles are so strong they’ll contain the blasts and are as such, reusable.”

But what if, in the unlikely event, it doesn’t work as planned?

”We’ve thought of that too,” Lance Corporal Fox said, “we’ve made David Davis head of strategic retreats.”

Ruler of all your fates and custodian of your children’s future, Theresa May, has celebrated National Gilbraltar Day by offering to sell ‘The Rock’ to Spain.

The offer, made during a totally natural YouTube broadcast from 10 Downing Street is said to have taken the inhabitants of Gilbraltar by surprise.

”We know the Tories will sell us out in negotiations over the future relationship between whatever is left of the U.K. post Brexit and the EU, but we didn’t think they’d actually physically try and sell us. Exactly how much is Brexit costing?”

We found it all a little puzzling so we phoned up John Humphrys of BBC Radio 4 ‘Today’ programme, seeing as he is paid hundreds of thousands of pounds a year to know things.

”I didn’t know Dwayne Johnson was named after an isthmus? You learn something new every day.”

No John, you don’t, quite evidently.

That avenue having failed we turned to our own Gilbraltar correspondent.

”It was pretty important in WW2? I think. It’s got some monkeys, doesn’t it? Lot of gambling companies trade completely legitimately from there. Um. I don’t see why it will cause any friction in the Brexit negotiations. 4% of the people voted to leave the EU. That’s pretty much a landslide takeover by the far right if you ask the BBC.”

Unfortunately we had forgotten Humphrys was still on the line. He heard it and hired our man on the spot as a researcher.

So we can only now editorialise.

We are sure the people of Gilbraltar will be more than happy in their new home once they move to Spain.

Furthermore we are certain that the selling of the Rock to Spain will make Brexit much easier. Now the government only has to deal with the Irish Border. New technology will take care of that one. And the Falklands, but we’re going to threaten to invade Argentina if they kick off, so that’s pretty much solved itself.

Unfortunately Humphrys was still on the line (when will we learn!) so you can expect to hear tomorrow from 6am that all remaining problems relating to Brexit have been solved.

”First thing the Spanish should do is shoot the monkeys,” John shouted down the line, “one of the little blighters nicked a lime off me when I was a boy and I’ve never gotten over it.”

A new series of the sketch show “Little Britain” has been commissioned by the BBC, featuring updated versions of the classic characters, with the intention of depicting everyday life in a post-Brexit Britain.

Original stars Matt Lucas and David Walliams are still going to be writing the show, but this time will be staying behind the camera, as the show is made up of an all-new cast.

Boris Johnson will be taking over Tom Baker’s role as narrator, beginning each episode with the trademark call of “Britain, Britain, Britain,” before fleshing it out with various made-up facts and statistics.

The fast-talking Vicky Pollard will be played by Theresa May, who will respond to any questioning with “yeah but no but . . .” before embarking on a series of quick-fire gossipy backstabbing.

“We really would have preferred to get Donald Trump for that part,” admits Lucas. “But we had to work within the confines of a British cast, and Theresa just seemed right for the role.”

The charcter of Emily Howard, the world’s worst transvestite, will be played by Jacob Rees-Mogg, while Women’s Institute member Maggie Blackmoor, who would vomit over anybody in sight on discovering that any food she had consumed had been made by someone who was either foreign or gay, will be played by Nigel Farage.

“Nigel was just perfect for the part,” Walliams acknowledged. “We didn’t want to bring back that character unless we could get someone really good for it, and he was a perfect fit.”

The most changed character in the show however will be Dafydd Thomas, formerly “the only gay in the village”, he is now “the only socialist in the village” and will be played by Jeremy Corbyn, with Diane Abbott playing opposite him as Myfanwy the bartender who is constantly pointing out that there are many more socialists in the village than he thinks, only to be met with blind insistence to the contrary by a man who yearns to be victimised for what he believes are his unique qualities.

“That was a really tricky one,” Lucas explains. “We had to make it something different to what it was before, and we just couldn’t think of an updated angle on Dafydd. Then Jeremy came along and it all fell into place.”

Filming is due to commence next month, and the series will be aired in April of 2019, assuming anyone still has the facilities to watch it.

The Royal Society of Mapmakers and Astrology was said to be on the receiving end of a furious call from Downing Street today after prime minister Theresa May received advance copies of the new 2020 map of the United Kingdom.

”She rang them personally,” an aide to the embattled, and dumbfounded prime minister told LCD Views, “although the number was engaged so she had to wait until after the wedding to get through.”

It seems the new maps, which are sent to Downing Street for approval prior to being shipped about the globe by tall ship, as is convention dating from the 16th century, display a United Kingdom significantly changed from the current map.

”Of course it’s not the cartographer’s fault,” the aide commented, “they don’t decide the policy of any particular Downing Street resident, they just reflect it,

”They didn’t decide to create a policy environment so toxic, so shorn of economic literacy and competence that first Scotland and then Northern Ireland, Wales, Cornwall and the Greater London Free Republic decided it was better to sail into the unchartered waters of independence than stick about to be ruled by electoral map rigging Tories and tax exiles forever.”

So you are prepared to go on record and absolve the mapmaker of blame?

”I wouldn’t go that far. Privately it’s a shambles that can be laid squarely at the door of David Cameron and the individual stupid enough to succeed him at number 10.”

But publicly?

”That’s obvious,” the aide smiled, “It’s the fault of the remoaners on social media for not getting behind Brexit.”

“Global Britain is not a laughing stock,” a representative of the TPA told the nation this morning, while filling in as primary content provider on BBC Radio 4’s flagship Today programme, during Nigel Fuhrerage’s hate tour of Australia.

“And with the MOD following our disinterested advice to refit HMS Queen Elizabeth as a scallop trawler, just to piss off the French, everyone will know that the grate is permanent in Great Britain.”

The move to hang rigging and nets off the brand, spanking new, state of the art and probably already hacked by the Kremlin, aircraft carrier serves another purpose too.

”It was planned just to sail the HMS Queen Elizabeth around the aisles of white and back, while we wait for the vessel to become obsolete waiting for aircraft, but with the deliberate policy of irritating the French in order to ramp up proper British potatriotism for Brexit, now we’re really going to give readers of the Sun and the Express something to masticate over.”

Quite what the French will do about British military might dredging the last scallop out of traditionally shared fishing grounds is anyone’s guess.

”Well it’s not like they’re going to ask the Germans for help, is it?” the TPA rep scoffed, “Global Britain’s divide and conquer the EU strategy has moved into a new phase now that we have successfully shattered their unity in Brexit negotiations by sending pieces of chipboard over to stare in confusion for years at Barnier and his bits of paper.”

Britannia rules the waves still and with the shattering of the industry agreement the other week regarding fishing grounds, we’re showing just how mighty we now are at waiving the rules of the waves.

Theresa May’s negotiations with African nations have at last borne fruit with the announcement of one new trade deal.

Standing outside Number Ten, Mrs May held aloft a piece of paper announcing a major new trade deal with Nambia.

“The people of Nambia have welcomed the trade agreement with the UK,” she said. “For centuries they have been an isolated people, without any trade deals with any other country in the world. Now that has changed, and they can sell their resources to us for a pittance, while we can rob them blind. It’ll be just like the Empire days all over again.”

Nambia is rumoured to be the world’s chief producer of covfefe. When asked about this, Mrs May confirmed:

“Covfefe was top of the agenda from the start. It was vital that the UK secured the sole rights to this product so we can corner the market as the seller of Nambian covfefe. I had a cup down there and believe me, Nambia make the best covfefe in the world.”

Critics have struggled to locate Nambia on the map, but Mrs May was quick to brush them aside.

“This is the first of many lucrative trade deals with African nations,” she said. “We have initiated talks with Buranda already, which we expect to produce another valuable agreement, and I know that the people of Zimbala are just dying for a trade deal with us – literally, as they have only just regained their democracy after the death of the dictator who ruled them for decades. Ideally we would have preferred dealing with him, but timing is everything. We’re looking to start negotiations with them just as soon as Boris is safely away from the negotiating table. I know he’s no longer foreign secretary but I still don’t trust him not to put his foot in it.”

As for the possibility of trade deals in Europe, Mrs May was optimistic about the possibility of one European deal, with Ruritania, if King Rudolph sobers up enough. And if he can’t, then there’s always his English double to stand in for him.

The consequences of an ever-impending Brexit are still being discovered at a shocking rate, but the latest revelation is perhaps the most controversial yet – the royal family are to be repossessed by Germany.

The Queen and her relatives are historically German, and have been ever since the house of Hanover ascended to the British throne in 1714. But now they are facing extradition to their fatherland, in a move that has divided the country like nothing before – well, apart from Brexit of course.

In a prepared statement released to the media this morning, German chancellor Angela Merkel explained:

“The British Royal Family are a historically German institution and will therefore be reclaimed by their fatherland. We shall not be requiring them to actually rule the country, so we shall simply retain them as attractions for the tourist trade.”

The loss to the British tourist trade has been calculated at £350 million a week.

Of all the consequences of Brexit, though, this is the most divisive. Staunch leave voter Roy Allist commented:

“It’s disgraceful, they’re our royal family, not Germany’s, they have no right to just take them, we voted to get our sovereignty back, and now they’re taking that away from us! I think we should declare war over this!”

Meanwhile remain advocate Ree Publey-Cann said:

“At last, one useful thing is coming from Brexit – the royal family undermine the very concept of democracy. We’ll finally be rid of them!”

Most interestingly, the division of opinion does not have any specific correlation with the Brexit vote. There are people on both sides wanting to keep the royals, and also people from either camp happy to lose them.

Theresa May has been unavailable for comment on the matter, although she was reported as rubbing her hands in anticipation at the thought of being in power without a monarch to answer to. What actions she might or, more likely, might not take to prevent this are a matter for speculation at this point.

LCD Views has heard today from a rabbit in the headlights who is demanding the U.K. government step down with immediate affect, as they’re giving him a bad reputation.

”To be fair my reputation wasn’t that good to start with,” Mr A Rabbit told us, “but since the 24th June 2016, when WonderTory Dave made a dash for it, things have been getting incrementally worse day by day.”

Mr Rabbit now fears the stain on his low reputation may soon be so difficult to remove he’ll have to wait to be run over with Theresa May and her cabinet of talents.

”You see her stood there day after day with the big, red Brexit bus barrelling down at her at top speed and you want to shout GO!

Just get out of the way!

And take the country out of the way while you’re at it!

But she doesn’t. Her eyes just get wider and wider and her body stiffer with terror and her utterances more strangled and inane.”

Mr Rabbit claims he definitely would have hopped out of the way by now.

”You see plenty of dead pheasants beside the country’s roads. Foxes. The occasional badger. Not too many rabbits though.

And here’s an entire party of governance just frozen while the country decays and an entirely avoidable disaster gets closer and closer.

If only our parliamentary system allowed for some kind of opposing party to make the case for not getting flattened into paste.”

While LCD Views feels a small measure of sympathy for Mr Rabbit, we feel it is our potatriotic duty to remind him that we’re all Brexiters now and we must all stand still, terrified in the giant light of the approaching Brexit, deny it’s happening and make the best of a future that is both pants and paste.

A Somerset man has declared that he and his nanny will patrol the hard border to be re-established between Northern Ireland and the Republic, after he succeeds in crashing the U.K. out of the EU.

”The sun never set on the British Empire,” he declared before a packed house yesterday, “and ipso facto I want to make sure the troublesome Irish know it.”

Under the scheme, to come into force at 10pm, March 29th 2019, the man will sit in his pram and be wheeled along the highways, bi-ways, back alleys and fields that comprise the border, powered by his nanny, who still doubles as his wet nurse when the other boys are mean to him.

”I wouldn’t suggest other low born boys take on the potentially life and death task of catching paramilitary members and gun runners,” he stated, “without being prepared to personally put myself in harms way to ensure the Irish know exactly who governs them.”

But critics have been quick to point out that as no one can yet identify any benefit to come from Brexit, apart from increased power and money to inheritance millionaires such as himself, that intentionally creating a situation that ruins the GFA is the height of negligence in office, deeply inhumane and to even risk a circumstance that endangers it shows what an inhuman and reptilian shit he actually is.

”What’s so good about Friday anyway?” he smirked, before holding a microphone at just the right angle to make it seem he has a toothbrush moustache.

”I’d like to personally thank my colleagues on the front benches of both the Conservativekip and Labourkip parties for being so entirely gutless and without principles as regards Brexit,

”While both seek to politically profit off the instability in our politics, with little care for governance, cartoon fuckwit autocrats like myself get to make hay,

”I’m an imperialist. I will happily see lesser peoples’ blood spilt for my profit. But I can’t do it alone. In order to demolish the Good Friday Agreement and bring death back to Northern Ireland I need the support of Westminster. In any normal time the comments I am making today would end my career. But not now, because Britain is currently governed by racists,

“Now, if you don’t mind, nutricem meam infectum e st tegidae lac mea.”

The government has moved to smooth the ruffled feathers of the British dining public by releasing a statement on its vision for the closing stages of Brexit negotiations with the EU.

“If we stockpile all the food the EU will have to give us a deal,” a sweating Dominic Raab asserted, while seeming to suffer from tetanus, “who holds all the cards then? If Emperor Barnier refuses to allow backlogged English cheddar to overwhelm EU farmer’s markets after March 2019, they’ll all fucking starve.”

And serves them right too!

Under the plan, which has been called “imaginary”, “vim full” and “ambitious” by objective world trade experts, Downing Street will order the army to stop all food exports from British farms crossing the boarders and borders into EU27 countries.

”While they’re distracted by this Iain Duncan Smith will lead an amphibious assault on Holland,” Raab said, while seemingly suffering from the closing stages of rabies.

The successful assault will seize all of the EU’s remaining food production sectors and ship the produce back to Blighty with no need for customs checks.

”Farms and hothouses we can’t seize will be torched,” Raab added, “the Union Jack will he raised over a windmill and our victorious troops will be led back home with their arms stuffed full of radishes.”

Quite how the EU will respond to finding themselves on the wrong end of the food rationing queue is not clear, but there is little doubt if enough Brits believe in the plan that it will work.

”Who holds all the restaurant bookings now?” Raab demanded, while seeming to suffer from the advanced stages of Dunce syndrome.