Category: Global Britain

CHICKEN RUN : Who said an old dog can’t learn new tricks? Well, Boris Johnson, that old dog, he can.

And it’s a good thing too. For years now anyone even half conscious in the United Kingdom has had to reflexively cringe when Boris Johnson speaks. Especially if he speaks to foreigners. But now he has found a strategy to spare even the softest snowflake’s blushes.

“He’s decided to hide, rather than risk being embarrassed,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “we all know if his lips are moving he’s lying. And sometimes he can be a tiny bit intentionally racist. Well, if he hides none of that is a problem. It’s genius.”

And it’s a well timed stroke of genius. There were plenty of protestors out and about today as the one man human whirlwind was let loose at Junker, and Xavier Bettel.

“We’re all really relieved,” a spokesman for the government of Luxembourg said, “we know Mr Johnson is famous for his temper. And the madder he gets the stronger he gets. It would have been terrible to watch him go all green and sweaty at the podium. The EU would probably have torn up the Irish backstop there and then, just to save themselves!”

But there was no fear of that, as Mr Johnson was nowhere to be seen.

“As soon as he realised he was going to be on film again, and broadcast news was going to carry footage of him waffling nonsense with protestors shouting ‘Stop the coup!’ in the background, again, he did go green. But it was green at the gills. Then he just vanished. Who knew the Hulk was also the Invisible Man. I guess it’s obvious. You never see them in the same room together.”

And here we all were thinking the Tory prime minister who started all this and ran away, David Cameron, was the Brave Sir Robin of British politics? And now we discover there are two brave, brave, brave Sir Robins.

When danger reared its ugly head they bravely turned their tails and fled. That doesn’t sound like the Hulk to me.

HE’S THERE ALL WEEK : Boris Johnson’s unelected, undemocratic pun writer has hit back today at suggestions people should be taking Boris Johnson’s premiership seriously.

“It’s just a joke,” Dom “Short” Cummings hissed, “you people should get out of London more. There’s plenty of people to shout jokes at in the shires.”

Quite why anyone is taking Mr Johnson’s time at 10 Downing Street seriously is a bit of a mystery. It’s potentially explained by the damage his non-stop gagathon is causing.

“Are you not entertained?” our political analyst wanted to know, “day after day another gaffe, another poorly executed crap strategy which backfires, another video of people shouting their anger at Mr Johnson. It’s a proper carnival. Slapstick politics as entertainment. It’s how you run a modern, industrialised, representative democracy. Without representatives! It’s a hoot.”

But it seems not everyone is getting the joke.

“They need to play the exchange markets. Sterling is a proper rodeo horse. It’s exhilarating.”

But just to make sure everyone is on the same page, a Downing Street source advised us of other things which are just a joke.

“The smearing of the judiciary. That’s one. Lying to the Queen. The book burnings planned for November on College Green. The expulsion of thought criminals. The intentional designing of an immigration system to deter anyone from staying or coming to the UK. The list is a long one.”

But just in case anyone was in any doubt about how big the joke of Boris Johnson’s premiership was, 10 Downing Street offered a final bit of clarity.

“The jokes on all of you. Global Britons. You’re the punchline. Do you like it? If you don’t then you should Revoke Article 50. That would be the democratic equivalent of hitting the big button on a TV talent show that makes the tired, flatlining act stop.”

DON’T BLAME IT ON THE SUNSHINE, DON’T BLAME IT ON THE MOONLIGHT : Celebrations are being planned for the length and breadth of The Mall today after the UN trademarked the UK’s new system of government.

Speaking from the headquarters in New York, special rapporteur for troubled countries, Mr Wot LeFuk, told reporters of the change in status.

“It’s clear since Brexit became official government policy that the dis-uniting, United Kingdom has been on a trajectory away from democracy,” he said, “think of it as if our Sun was democracy and the Earth was the UK. Yeah, you’re now somewhere out back of Pluto sunshine, and moving away steadily.”

A full definition of Propagandocracy is included below :

Propagandocracy was of course trialled last century, most especially in the late 1920’s, through the 1930’s and into the early 1940’s.

“It was tested to destruction the first time around,” the UN official said with a shrug, “but certain countries appear to think that a mass daily spend on social media by the government, in place of actually running a country in the interests of the citizenry, will see it successfully implemented this time around.”

LCD Views would like to thank the United Nations for recognising the efforts taken by the current government in England to make a go of a new way of living. We trust that before too long being a Propagandocracy will be reversed and we can regain our former international reputation.

“It won’t happen quickly,” the UN man added, “the regaining of reputation. I’d suggest you start today. Before you are just Donald Trump’s bargain basement pound shop.”

Poundshopocracy? Let’s not go there too.

EFFORT LESS EFFORT : Irish Taoiseach Leo Varadkar has easily joined a growing list of people that have made temporary British prime minister, Boris Johnson, look like an idiot.

The list has been growing daily since Boris Johnson was crowned prime minister in a pretend Tory leadership election earlier this century.

“Leo Varadkar is one of the first foreign heads of state to get on the list, which has generally being filling up with homegrown talent, foremost of course being Nicola Sturgeon,” our List Compiler General says, “the continental leaders have been too cautious. Leo just went in and took Boris apart by stating objective reality. It made old Bojo look incredibly silly.”

Mr Johnson responded to the shredding in a Trumpesque display of random arm movements and suit re-arranging, which works much less effectively if someone who isn’t an idiot is standing right next to you.

It’s likely the list will continue to grow, the longer Mr Johnson attempts to bully and goad his away forward, as each move sees him walk directly into the lamp post of reality. The more he tries to pretend he’s Churchill, the more he looks like he’s playing all Three Stooges in a tiring tribute act.

But who is top of the list?

“It’s no great surprise that Dominic ‘The Short’ Cummings is number two. But number one is of course the arch clown himself, Alexander Boris dePrattle Johnson.”

Take a bow Boris. We’re all so proud of you at home, out there daily, making Britain grate again.

HE’S A GENIUS AND HE’S SO YOUNG : The staid, meddling EU27 won’t know where to look when the latest wheeze from 10 Downing Street lands at their feet.

Extrapolating from an imagined leak from the watertight bunker that is the heart of this government we are able to get the jump on even the Boris fanzine ‘The Torygraph’ and reveal exclusive details of the winner takes all wheeze.

“He’s going to go there and have a tantrum,” our Brussels correspondent guesses, “he’s going to throw himself at the feet of Angela Merkel and Michel Barnier and scream.”

Whether or not crossing his arms and stamping his feet with precede the action on the floor isn’t entirely clear, but we’d suggest he’s already doing that.

“It’s going to be so embarrassing for the undemocratic, unelected EU27 heads of state that they’ll do anything to make it stop, no matter what the longer term cost.”

It’s certain that treating the lack of trust by the EU in 10 Downing Street like an unwanted bowl of sprouts will leave them so red faced they just cave in.

“Forget all the booooooring legal stuff the Rebel Alliance is trying. Lying on the floor and screaming till the Irish backstop is taken away and replaced with a smuggler’s charter is the way to succeed.”

But an EU27 source close to the council had this to say,

“No one is really sure what Boris Johnson wants, but we know what he needs, a damn good spanking.”

TELL ME ABOUT YOUR MOTHER (OF PARLIAMENTS) : LATEST UK – EU TRADE figures reveal a sudden BOOM in German exports to UK as political crisis engulfs the current administration drunkenly fumbling its way to disaster at 10 Downing Street.

Key political analysts in the UK were predicting a surge in import of the famous German commodity upon the taking of office of proper Brexiters.

“It was clear from the start that Boris Johnson was replaying Theresa May’s premiership, as a general principle, just with the accelerator of doom pressed hard to the metal,” our Chief Political Commentator comments, “but even we couldn’t have foreseen the speed with which the car would crash this time.”

German government sources were tightlipped over the dramatic imbalance in trade between themselves and the UK.

“That’s because if they open their mouths they’ll burst out laughing,” our commentator continues, “to see the downfall of Johnson occur so rapidly, well, it’s just an avalanche of schadenfreude. The factories in the German industrial heartlands are having trouble matching supply with demand.”

But it’s not all bad news for the government.

“Home made UK schadenfreude is also on the rise, although it can’t be called that due to the tyrannical, Eurocratic, technocratic meddling that protects the differing regions distinctive produce.”

The major producer of schadenfreude in the UK is currently in Scotland, where Nicola Sturgeon is personally said to be making enough of the stuff herself, as she watches English politics, that it’s likely to pay for her proposed border wall with England just with the VAT receipts.

GO HOME OFFICE : Reassuring news today for anyone who views their neighbours with suspicion. The Home Office is attempting to detain, with the hope of rapidly deporting, most of the country.

“It’s part of our Global Britons initiative,” an aide claiming to work with Priti Patel told LCD Views, “we hope to disperse most of the population to the four corners of the world. Anyone who isn’t deported, but isn’t filthy rich, will be able to take advantage of a secondary scheme, ‘To Serf or to Serf? That is the question!’. We expect no legal challenges to either scheme. Especially the second one. After Brexit we’ll be shredding red tape like no one’s business.”

The scheme will kick into operation later this week, timed to take advantage of the chaos of Westminster politics.

“Hopefully most people who don’t want to be detained will apply for forged genealogy. The cost will be considerable. But it’ll be worth it. You’ll get to stay in England post Brexit and be allocated a serf.”

It’s felt the scheme is a fitting tribute to Theresa May who championed much of the policy base the new direction takes advantage of.

“We’re pretty fed up with stories in the Guardian about people who came to the UK as children and are now being deported because they can’t find a Boots receipt for some eye cream from the early 1970’s. This is distressing for everyone concerned. Especially Home Office ministers who like to deport people with a callous inhuman satisfaction that is not scrutinised. So just rounding everyone up and throwing them out is deemed a more Brexit efficient way to fulfil our hard right goals.”

But critics of the scheme have pointed out that only inheritance millionaires will be immune to deportation, because they’ll either be able to legitimately trace their ancestry back to some fierce chaps on boats a thousand years ago, or be able to purchase proof.

“But that’s the whole point,” the aide nodded, “just imagine having your new family tree proudly framed and on display in your home? You can sit it next to the EU27 burgundy passport you purchased to ensure you keep FOM while stripping it off everyone else.”

Do you want to avoid detention? Do you want to buy proof you’re related to William the Conqueror? The Go Home Office has the answer.

“For a fee.”

For a fee.

KING OF LITTLE ENGLAND : Boris Johnson has responded to doubts about the future status of himself, and the United Kingdom, tonight by reaffirming his belief in Boris Johnson.

“Let me be absolutely clear. Let not the gloomsayers and the naymongers and the poopstickers spread the furtive flurries of doom about the future,” the poundstore tribute act to Trump said, “regardless of the shape or shadow or warp or weft of the United Kingdom, the future of Boris Johnson is not for a moment touch and go.”

The belief Mr Johnson espouses in Mr Johnson will come as little surprise to even irregular watchers of Mr Johnson.

“The only thing that matters is how important I feel in any given moment,” Mr Johnson added, “take not your medication after No Deal Brexit because you couldn’t agree to the cost with a blackmarketeer, that is your individual choice, your freedom. Feed not your children because you haven’t the get up and go to rush an army barricade in the street to raid a ration truck. That is your choice as a liberated Briton.”

The tangible opportunities of Brexit.

“You need have no fears or anxieties or sleepless nights over the status of your head of state. I am here to stay. With, or without, representative democracy.”

With or without a United Kingdom?

“And I tell you today, your prime minister will still be at the meetings of the G7. And card and life of the party that I am, it’ll be the prime ministers of Scotland and Wales that are on the extremities of the group photographs. Not the prime minister of Little England! I’ll be centre stage in Donald Trump’s pocket. Breast or trousers, or right between the buttocks head first.”

Make (smirk) England (ruffle hair) Great (grate) Again (as a parasitic service economy for tax dodgers adrift in the North Sea).

A SENSE OF NATIONAL PRIDE : Boris Johnson’s team are tight lipped ahead of his planned meeting with democratically elected French President Macron, but nonetheless LCD Views has obtained an imagined leak from his office.

“He’s going to make a lot of jokes about the shape of baguettes and how firm they should be,” the leak reveals, “he’ll also ask Macron to translate for him ‘fit, young filly’ into French. This will be a subtle insult to show who is dominant.”

But the insults calculated to prove Boris is the alpha male wont stop there. Afterwards Boris will ask Macron what he made of the “cheese eating surrender monkeys” joke, before moving onto deeper Anglo-French history.

“Napoleon is clearly a sore point for the French. As the English beat him twice. There may have been a few other nations involved, a rudimentary EU army of sorts, but if we were there it really was all our work, with some hangers on.”

To thrust the point in Mr Johnson is expected to mention the Battle of Waterloo.

“But only once. That’s all we calculate we can get away with.”

How the French contingent will respond isn’t clear. But it is obvious the display of powerful British rhetoric will have them on the back feet, where they belong when faced with an Englishman.

Our French team have given the matter some consideration and have this calculated guess at President Macron’s response to Mr Johnson’s hugging and puffing.

“He’ll simply say no to whatever the chancer suggests,” our team reckons, “just he’ll do it in English and French consecutively. This will be just like what happened yesterday with Merkel. Which is good practice. After Brexit English prime ministers will need to be well adjusted to hearing foreign leaders constantly saying no to their requests and then telling them what to do.”

If this doesn’t deal with Mr Johnson the French are expected to fire a cow at him from from a catapult, or trebuchet.

CHALK OR CHEESE : The great British chalk mining industry is set for boom times from the 1st of November as hungry Brits show the resourcefulness and grit that saw them personally survive the war.

“The White Cliffs of Dover are an abundant source of alternatives to cheese,” Mr Were Wolff, junior minister at DExEU, told LCD Views, “and I think people will find that with just a little bit of the imagination Britons are famous for, bark will do for bread.”

As part of the drive to normalise the insanity No Deal Brexit will bring, the government will soon release educational videos and posters. The videos will future a backing track of wealthy, on point, elderly Radio 4 Today programme presenters chuckling in the background.

“If people actually put in some effort and stop blaming the government they will find that alternative arrangements for food can be found all over the streets and in the looted corner shops of Brexit Britain.”

But the dental industry has expressed surprise at the direction to eat chalk, instead of cheese.

“These so called dentists worried about the impact of scurvy weakened enamel by accidental consumption of the hard flint found in the chalk are over egging an eggless meal,” Mr Were Wolff easily retorted, “they would be better served trying to come up with alternative arrangements for teeth to begin with. Clearly most will be ground down in anxiety anyway. Anxiety over not being first in line to take advantage of the opportunities provided by Brexit to trade with the world.”

But even the MoD has expressed concern.

“We’ll need that flint to make weapons and entrenching tools,” Ministry of Defence spokesman, Mrs Random Tory MP Who Will Say Somethimg, said, “I’ll be having talks with my colleagues to ensure both bellies and armouries can be filled.”

Chalk isn’t cheese, until you learn to believe.