Category: Global Britain

NARROW CHURCH PARTY : The Conservative Party has found a viable way out of the knots they’ve tied themselves in over immigration by passing a motion at their Manchester conference regarding the UK’s population.

Speaking before a sparsely populated audience of people who thought they were attending a Brexit Party rally, James Cleverly made the announcement.

“We’ve had a talk and we are all agreed,” he told the audience, hands spread wide, “we have succeeded in reducing immigration and turning it into mass emigration. We’ve been so successful with our target the population of the UK is now only 17.4m! And that’s the only votes that count!”

The announcement woke a few people up and seemed to cheer many, especially as most had formed their views on social policy back when the population of the country was only 17.4m.

But suspicions are already circulating on social media that Cleverly, while clearly exceptionally clever when compared to a shrub, may not have been telling the complete truth.

“It’s because the Tory Party only counts the 17.4m who were conned into voting for Brexit,” our analyst advises, “so the rest don’t count. It’s their long term electoral survival plan. It’s not dumb. Even though over a million of the 17.4m have since passed away. So the actual population of the UK is now about 16m. It’ll do wonders for first time buyers and GP queues.”

Suggestions that they should do the count again, due to fluctuations in the population, were dismissed because that wouldn’t be democracy. In a democracy you decide something once and fix it forever, or scary things happen, like women get to vote.

“And what’s better,” Mr Cleverly added, “now we’ve solved the problem with immigration and driven everyone away, we can get on with building a hospital for every single remaining resident.”

More promises will follow throughout the day and they will also be complete and utter horseshit.

BLONDES AWAY : Liz Truss was under no pressure at all to explain the sale today, without licence, of temporary prime minister Boris Johnson to Saudi Arabia.

According to sources within the Department for International Trade the mix-up happened in the way numerous ones regarding the sale of dangerous items have under the current Secretary for International Trade.

“Some gruff chap from the Gulf phoned up and asked for a weapon,” a source working close to the hapless Truss reveals, “and when he said make it the biggest weapon your country has, Ms Truss automatically believed the unarmed Sheik meant the Prime Minister. This was confirmed when he said, I want something to destroy a county, just level it, I want a Bullingdon Brat.”

It’s not clear exactly how much the gulf state paid for Mr Johnson, but it’s presumably thought worth the cost.

“Mr Johnson used to be just a weapon of mass distraction, but these days he’s been redeveloped into weapon of mass destruction. Just look at the rapid decent into chaos and danger under his brief tenure in 10 Downing Street. The Saudis will be very happy once they deploy him. Just so long as they read the instruction manual and don’t let him speak before they drop him on Yemen.”

Critics have pointed out though that the sale of Mr Johnson, already believed to have been bought and sold by numerous interests, allows him to wriggle out of his commitment to take the UK out of the EU by the 31st of October.

“No one is really bothered about that, not if they’ve been paying attention. Now we can get on with a GNU and picking up the pieces of our representative democracy while there are still pieces to pick up.”

The Palace was asked for comment on the sale of Mr Johnson, but a source would only say it was the Royal family themselves who suggested the export of the Bullingdon Brat in the first place.

THE TYRANNY OF TWO LEFT FEET : Boris Johnson has put yet another reason for leaving the EU into the wheelbarrow of nonsense (already overflowing) today, by talking about socks.

“You know what’s it like,” he implored, during a rooftop interview, somewhere in NYC, “you need to get out of the house in a jiffy, before some posh, blonde bit of fun’s old man catches you, and you get delayed by your socks.”

It wasn’t like this before we joined the EU.

“And you’re sat there, on the edge of the bed, panting, hearing the front door open and you don’t know how the blazes you’ll climb out of the window in time if you can’t tell your left from your right sock. And you can’t bally well go out in bare feet. You would look a right slob as you stand on the corner down the street, behind that lamp post you picked out earlier, waiting for the Uber.”

Socks presumably shoved in a pocket? No good in the winter. It wasn’t like this before we joined the EU!

“People need a way to speed the process up. They need to know which sock is which! European red tape currently stops patriotic British sock makers from printing ‘L’ on the left sock [Here he turns to an aide off screen and enquires if it’s definitely an ‘L’ on the left sock? Confirmation received, he continues.] and a ‘R’ on the right. Once we leave the EU we will automatically have that right again!”

[Pause for applause]

“I say to the people of Britain, the day is coming! The day when you will no longer be confused by your socks! So long as you can read.”

About the best reason to leave the EU that he’s given so far. Let’s do it!

CLEARED FOR LANDING : THE GOVERNMENT is on both front left feet today over the collapse of the UK’s oldest travel business, issuing boarding passes to moral deniability, to make sure the collapse of Thomas Cook is nothing to do with Boris “f*ck business” Johnson.

“It’s all to do with moral hazard,” a Downing Street spokeschurn said, “it wasn’t a moral hazard to bail out the banking sector after years of financial crimes almost destroyed it, it would be a moral hazard to bail out a travel firm after the devaluation of Sterling crashed it into the ground. Even though in a curious chain of events the collapsing currency is a result of the political project that leveraged the taxpayer rage of the banking bail out.”

It’s certainly not a moral hazard to have politicians responsible for currency fluctuations, and thus asset devaluation, bankrolled by currency speculators and disaster capitalists. No. Noooo. No.

“It’s also not a moral hazard to move your current mistress into Downing Street after leaving your wife while she was undergoing cancer treatment,” the spokesilly added, “it is also not a moral hazard to spaff countless billions up the wall of Brexit, but nothing to ensure 22,000 people keep a job.”

Boy, it’s good that Boris said it would be a moral hazard to bail out Thomas Cook. It gives us a focus.

“But the real reason that Thomas Cook failed is because its directors didn’t believe hard enough. If they’d just believed really hard in powered flight than the planes would still be in the air and not, as they are, grounded.”

Global Britain, navigating its way through the 21st century, with a moral hazard at the helm. Let’s make a success of it.

BARCLAY GOES BARSARKLY : Brexit Secretary Stephen Barclay has the Spanish right where he wants them after a feat of brinkmanship just right for dealing with close allies.

“At first many thought May had only appointed Barclay Brexit Secretary because a mirror fogged in front of his mouth,” an aide to the DExEU tour de force told LCD Views, “Well, they were right. But happily he’s grown into the role.”

It took time for Barclay to fill the shoes David Davis left for Dominic Raab to slide into, but it seems he now has the tips of his toes pressed against the leather.

“To go to Spain, right when the UK is desperate to win hearts and minds amongst EU leaders, and to threaten the Spanish directly? That’s some patatas bravas right there.”

The threats mostly centred on blowback to the Spanish economy if they don’t agree to scrap both the Irish and the Gilbraltargan backstops.

“If the UK crashes out of the EU it will decimate the hen and stag night industry on the Costa del Sol,” the aide continued, “not to mention the cervesa sector. But Barclay is prepared to go even further.”

And further appears to be threatening to strip to the waist and stand on The Rock and start throwing monkeys at Spain.

“Just see him now, biceps pulsating, lifting macaque after macaque and flinging them towards the Spanish mainland. The place will grind to a halt. That’s British power on show right there.”

LCD Views sought comment from a representative of the Spanish government. What was their reaction to Barclay’s aggressive shirtfront?

“No podríamos dar un mono,” a government spokesman said.

DExEU are currently looking to translate. But we’re pretty certain, once someone works out what they said, that Barclay is now operating at the level set by his predecessors as Brexit Secretary.

DOUBLE TROUBLE : The Hone Office is taking a bold step to prepare for Brexit by announcing the immediate detention of all doppelgängers.

“It’s well known that the EU has been attempting to undermine the will of the British people by planting doubles in our society,” Mr Pratt, Tory MP for Big-on-Pratts, told LCD Views, “it’s even thought some of the body doubles inserted over the years into the UK are the reason the EU has not yet realised that we hold all the cards. Well, we’re going to put a stop to all that.”

The initiative, part of the overall drive to eventually deport everyone from the UK, so as to start all over again with cultural purity, will be a welcome relief to many patriots.

“Once the doppelgängers are removed and returned, unharmed, to their country of origin, proper British people will not be plagued by the accusations they’ve been spotted doing unpatriotic things. This will reassure everyone that we are going to make a success of Brexit, not only in global trade, but culturally. Purity is important.”

But critics of the scheme have pointed out that twins may fall foul of the round up and end up detained and removed unjustly.

“We expect there will be an acceptable small error rate. Twins will be able to apply to return, just so long as they don’t pick up any suspicious inflections in their accents while abroad. It’s all perfectly straightforward.”

And members of the general public are encouraged to get involved.

“We will be releasing a free phone number for you to call if you see someone that looks a little bit, or a lot, like you. We will have them removed. But just be careful to call first, before they do.”

Brexit, it’s not a flawed idea turning our society slowly into a fascist playground, it’s a success.

MAKING A SUCCESS OF HIDE AND SEEK, AND BREXIT : Global Britons have renewed cause to puff out their chests and sing an ode to joy today. The reason being the news rubbish Churchill impressionist, and prolific social media video performer, Boris Johnson, has rewritten one of Winston Churchill’s famous speeches.

“It’s more of an update than a total revamp,” a desperate Downing Street mouthpiece said, “a total rewrite would be too much like hard work for Boris. But I think the impact of the update will be as searing emotionally as the original, dated speech.”

While the new, better text, won’t be fully revealed until Mr Johnson reads it out live on social media channels, we have been leaked excerpts and can reveal the most significant modification.

“As you can see by using the most up to date technology it was very easy for the prime minister to find the word ‘fight’ and replace it with a better word, ‘hide’. Now everyone can be proud of Brexit again.”

But critics of the move have said it would have been better to have left the original text intact and recorded Mr Johnson singing the English national anthem, “Two World Wars and One World Cup”, and then used new digital technology to have Winston Churchill singing the anthem to the House of Commons, but with Boris Johnson’s voice. Which makes sense, as there is ample black and white footage extant with which to make the deep fake.

But critics of the critics hit back at the suggestion, commenting that as Mr “Hulk” Johnson is already a deep fake, on his own terms, that it would just be overkill on the fakery front.

LCD Views would like to commend the prime minister for his wisdom, agility and courage, as exemplified by his winning of yesterday’s hide ‘n seek contest in Luxembourg.

“We shall hide on the beaches. We shall hide on the landing grounds. We shall hide from the press conferences, and from a few dozen angry British folk. We shall never surrender our hiding place…”

CHICKEN RUN : Who said an old dog can’t learn new tricks? Well, Boris Johnson, that old dog, he can.

And it’s a good thing too. For years now anyone even half conscious in the United Kingdom has had to reflexively cringe when Boris Johnson speaks. Especially if he speaks to foreigners. But now he has found a strategy to spare even the softest snowflake’s blushes.

“He’s decided to hide, rather than risk being embarrassed,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “we all know if his lips are moving he’s lying. And sometimes he can be a tiny bit intentionally racist. Well, if he hides none of that is a problem. It’s genius.”

And it’s a well timed stroke of genius. There were plenty of protestors out and about today as the one man human whirlwind was let loose at Junker, and Xavier Bettel.

“We’re all really relieved,” a spokesman for the government of Luxembourg said, “we know Mr Johnson is famous for his temper. And the madder he gets the stronger he gets. It would have been terrible to watch him go all green and sweaty at the podium. The EU would probably have torn up the Irish backstop there and then, just to save themselves!”

But there was no fear of that, as Mr Johnson was nowhere to be seen.

“As soon as he realised he was going to be on film again, and broadcast news was going to carry footage of him waffling nonsense with protestors shouting ‘Stop the coup!’ in the background, again, he did go green. But it was green at the gills. Then he just vanished. Who knew the Hulk was also the Invisible Man. I guess it’s obvious. You never see them in the same room together.”

And here we all were thinking the Tory prime minister who started all this and ran away, David Cameron, was the Brave Sir Robin of British politics? And now we discover there are two brave, brave, brave Sir Robins.

When danger reared its ugly head they bravely turned their tails and fled. That doesn’t sound like the Hulk to me.

HE’S THERE ALL WEEK : Boris Johnson’s unelected, undemocratic pun writer has hit back today at suggestions people should be taking Boris Johnson’s premiership seriously.

“It’s just a joke,” Dom “Short” Cummings hissed, “you people should get out of London more. There’s plenty of people to shout jokes at in the shires.”

Quite why anyone is taking Mr Johnson’s time at 10 Downing Street seriously is a bit of a mystery. It’s potentially explained by the damage his non-stop gagathon is causing.

“Are you not entertained?” our political analyst wanted to know, “day after day another gaffe, another poorly executed crap strategy which backfires, another video of people shouting their anger at Mr Johnson. It’s a proper carnival. Slapstick politics as entertainment. It’s how you run a modern, industrialised, representative democracy. Without representatives! It’s a hoot.”

But it seems not everyone is getting the joke.

“They need to play the exchange markets. Sterling is a proper rodeo horse. It’s exhilarating.”

But just to make sure everyone is on the same page, a Downing Street source advised us of other things which are just a joke.

“The smearing of the judiciary. That’s one. Lying to the Queen. The book burnings planned for November on College Green. The expulsion of thought criminals. The intentional designing of an immigration system to deter anyone from staying or coming to the UK. The list is a long one.”

But just in case anyone was in any doubt about how big the joke of Boris Johnson’s premiership was, 10 Downing Street offered a final bit of clarity.

“The jokes on all of you. Global Britons. You’re the punchline. Do you like it? If you don’t then you should Revoke Article 50. That would be the democratic equivalent of hitting the big button on a TV talent show that makes the tired, flatlining act stop.”

DON’T BLAME IT ON THE SUNSHINE, DON’T BLAME IT ON THE MOONLIGHT : Celebrations are being planned for the length and breadth of The Mall today after the UN trademarked the UK’s new system of government.

Speaking from the headquarters in New York, special rapporteur for troubled countries, Mr Wot LeFuk, told reporters of the change in status.

“It’s clear since Brexit became official government policy that the dis-uniting, United Kingdom has been on a trajectory away from democracy,” he said, “think of it as if our Sun was democracy and the Earth was the UK. Yeah, you’re now somewhere out back of Pluto sunshine, and moving away steadily.”

A full definition of Propagandocracy is included below :

Propagandocracy was of course trialled last century, most especially in the late 1920’s, through the 1930’s and into the early 1940’s.

“It was tested to destruction the first time around,” the UN official said with a shrug, “but certain countries appear to think that a mass daily spend on social media by the government, in place of actually running a country in the interests of the citizenry, will see it successfully implemented this time around.”

LCD Views would like to thank the United Nations for recognising the efforts taken by the current government in England to make a go of a new way of living. We trust that before too long being a Propagandocracy will be reversed and we can regain our former international reputation.

“It won’t happen quickly,” the UN man added, “the regaining of reputation. I’d suggest you start today. Before you are just Donald Trump’s bargain basement pound shop.”

Poundshopocracy? Let’s not go there too.