Category: Global Britain

ALT HEALTH : A SPOKESMAN CLAIMING TO TALK FOR DOWNING STREET HAS PROVIDED AN UPDATE ON THE GROWING DILEMMA OVER HOW TO COMPARE UK’S EURO WINNING COVID-19 DEATH RATES WITH OTHER COUNTRIES.

“Clearly we’re not going to compare our stats with the Martians,” Hurd Immunitee told LCD Views, “because there’s no CV-19 there. Not that we know of. But then the Martians are very secretive. You never know what they’re up to. They also have a disproportionate social distancing policy of 179.68 million miles. The inalienable right of Martian men and women to travel the solar system has long been crushed. And we’re not going down that path. In fact I deplore people who suggest we should. Just think of the damage to the economy? Well, not the bodybag and furnace economy clearly. But the other economy.”

But in spite of the clarity some traitors are still insisting on making comparisons between Boris “take it on the chin” Johnson’s sweep through and shut the barn door after approach, and places like Germany, South Korea, Taiwan, Australia, Poland and so on.

“Firstly, don’t bring Poland into it. What do plumbers know about infectious diseases?” the Downing Street Tory Boy looked a little baffled, “certainly not as much as the guy in contempt of parliament over data misuse in a referendum. He’s the expert.”

Who else should we ignore?

“The Germans. They lost the war one thousand years before the vast majority of them were even born, so it’s clear they can’t teach us anything about public health crises. And don’t get me started on the South Koreans. Kimchi is a powerful anti-viral agent. Even knows that already. It’s a pity they point blank refuse to export it. As to Taiwan? Well, no one lives there. The entire place is a mirage built by the Chinese to justify an aggressive military posture in the Pacific. And Australia? Ha! Rubbing cricket balls with sandpaper does not an epidemiology policy make!”

How about we compare the UK to the USA?

“Why would we do that?”

Because they’re both run by fucking idiots.

FAIL(ED) CEASER : The survivor of a volcanic explosion has spoken today to LCD Views about the international view taken, during, and after the event.

“We took the right steps, at the right time,” Provincial Governor, Biggus Dickus, told LCD Views.

For the interview Biggus wore his mop of blonde hair like an actual mop that had been swished freely across a flooded floor.

“At every step of our response to the volcano’s explosion we have been guided by the science.”

Biggus Dickus gave examples of the timely, and science led response by his administration.

“Weeks before the eruption, when smoke was noticed spiralling out of the top of the mountain we sacrificed bulls to appease the Gods.”

We were tempted to ask why the bulls were sacrificed, when at the time the WVO (World Volcano Organisation) was advising cities near to volcanoes to load their possessions onto the backs of the bulls and get out of there.

“Then, when fire began belching from the top of the mountain we threw in virgins. Not blonde virgins, clearly, for obvious reasons. We worked day and night to prevent the mountain exploding.”

But when it did? What protection was provided to the priests and slaves dedicated to protecting the people from the mountain’s rage?

“They were given sufficient supplies of papyrus hats and copper amulets. Clearly the unprecedented nature of the explosion meant that global supply lines of both reed based clothing and lucky charms were strained (at every sinew).”

Your administration has also done whatever it takes to protect itself?

“Yes, purely in the interests of maintaining capable and consistent governance.”

This is why you’ve already indemnified yourselves against legal action based on charges of negligence?

“Yes.”

So what’s next?

“Bask in the glory of broad based global acclaim. That’s a given. Other cities are looking at our apparent success in managing the explosion that buried both Pompeii and Herculaneum. And as for myself I will be awarding the contract to resurrect the citizens buried under the ash and debris to a chariot maker.”

Who is that?

“Why Dysonius, of course, whether or not he delivers doesn’t matter. It’s how the headline looks dabbed in red paint on the walls of the coliseum, that’s all that matters to me.”

IGNORANCE IS NO DEFENCE : A TURKISH-SYRIAN ROMAN MAN HAS BEEN ARRESTED by local police today after flouting social distancing rules.

The man, described by a passersby as “swarthy and a bit foreign looking really” was however dressed in a “traditional British style” of plate mail, and carrying a shield bearing a red cross on a white background.

There are even rumours he featured in a recent BBC documentary “A Very British Way of Dressing”, which explains how something that is a fairly generic trait of all people and societies, is really actually just British.

“I was on my way to pick fruit with Nigel when I saw it,” the passersby told anyone who would listen.

“It was a bit of a shock,” one of the arresting officers told LCD Views, “we normally come here to tell people to go home. To see this man brazenly disregarding social distancing laws with an exotic animal? Well, you can imagine the crowd he was drawing. Public health nightmare. You’d only put on a spectacle like this if you were trying to achieve herd immunity with dragons. We warned the man in ancient Turkish, Syrian and Latin to Romanes eunt domus, but he just gave us a sweaty look. I repeated the order, he drew a sword, and that’s when we tasered him.”

The man has been named by police as Saint George and is thought to be the patron saint of half the countries on Earth.

“I suggest to this so called saint that the next time he wants to slay a dragon, he does it over Zoom,” the arresting officer added.

The BBC is reported to be on the verge of commissioning a special show “A Very British Way of Zooming”, and it is hoped (a reformed) George will feature in that.

FILE UNDER ‘PISS UP IN BREWERY’ : ROMANIAN field workers being flown in to the UK to do the vital work of picking our crops are being set straight, right at the off, about who needs who more.

“Boris Johnson has recorded a video message just for them,” our Downing Street ‘source’ tells LCD Views, “he’s had to shout the words, obviously, otherwise these chaps won’t be able to make head nor tail of instructions. But he wants them to feel welcome and that everything is perfectly fine and sensible.”

Tough questions are not being asked, as is usual in Brexitannia.

Who is profiting from the special charter flights? In terms of who has the contract to supply the workers? Are they linked to the governing Tory Party? Such as a postal ballot firm might be? Would the flights have happened regardless of Covid-19? Much in the way that the NHS has been run down to make working for a private contractor more appealing? Would the same neo-con have happened here?

“We were a bit bloody shocked that the millions of pro-Brexit accounts, which amplify and push the pro-Brexit message on social media, didn’t turn up for work. It’s almost like they’re mostly bots, or if real people, just big mouthed, gullible gammon who can’t be arsed to do a real day’s work for twelve hours in a field on sod all money, so we can enjoy cheap food. I’m sure no one will look into this in due course.”

But to save the blushes of the Romanians, who are probably embarrassed to be coming here to do the work Brits can’t be bothered to do, or can’t financially survive if they do, there is a welcome, care package.

“Boris has made them all disguises out of empty wine crates,” the source adds, “there’s a choice of two. They can dress as either the prime minister or the UK’s modern Lord Haw-Haw, Nigel Farage. This is so locals don’t try and stone them. Boris has even painted little faces on the masks, which is nice.”

And to make doubly sure they know their place in Brexitannia Anne Widdecombe has been specially employed to ride bareback along the crop lines with a loud hailer giving them one direct, indisputable message.

“You need us more than we need you!”

GLOBAL BRITAIN EMPIRE 2.0 TO THE MAX : The decision by Germany and Turkey to send medical aide to the U.K. has been seized on tonight by Brexit backing Tories.

“It’s a little patronising,” a leading imaginary member of the ERG told LCD Views, “but it just shows how much they need us more than we need them.”

The ventilators from Germany, who apparently can spare them, and the PPE from Turkey, in spite of how Boris “take it on the chin” Johnson and chums misused them in the service of Brexit, is welcome though.

“It’s a status thing,” the ERG went on, “Germany is apologising for past misdeeds and Turkey is sending supplication in the hope of favours from us. It’s all just as we expected when we legally exited the tyrannical European Union earlier this year. It’s been relatively plain sailing ever since. As you can see for yourself.”

But there are rumours of deeper, Brexit related motivations, alongside the well publicised shortage of both ventilators and PPE equipment in the U.K.

“When Xi rang up Boris in January to warn of the shitstorm heading our way he should have been ringing to give us all the supplies we’d need a few months down the line. You can’t expect a G7 member like ourselves to be distracted from sending Lid Truss off on trade expeditions to prepare for a pandemic months in advance. It’s just not cricket. And besides, Cheltenham had to go ahead, just ask the betting industry.”

But surely trade is the hidden motivation in sending medical aide to the leading, global, economic powerhouse that is the U.K.? Freed of the shackles of negotiating deals alongside half a billion other people?

“That’s exactly it. They’re trying to butter us up for a post Brexit trade deal. Brexit, which is definitely happening when the transition ends later this year. You can bank on it. Much like a celebratory 50p that you probably don’t want to hold right now because you don’t know where it’s been.”

GEOGRAPHY IS NO BOUNDARY TO SOVEREIGNTY : THE GOVERNMENT has announced it is to spend an estimated £700m per week, backdated to the 23rd June 2016, to fully recover British sovereignty.

“It was a bloody shock I tell you,” a source inside Downing Street told LCD Views, “when we walked into the office of Prime Minister Johnson and found him missing, we knew he was on a mini-break. So then we had to find out where he was, that took the better part of the day, before finally we got into a taxi to the large country estate where he was sleeping it off. It was early evening before he got up for a patriotic breakfast. It was after that we were able to present our findings to him, and the obvious ramifications were clear.”

The shock appears to be the discovery that the British Isles are subject to an “unacceptable impingement on our God given sovereignty of geography” by being located on the tectonic plate of Eurasia.

“It was like an atom bomb had gone off. Once Mr Johnson and his handler Cummings, and his handler’s handler, a chap called Elliot, realised the full extent to which the devious, so called scientists in Brussels had taken control of our very physical geography and stuck us all smack bang in EU-r-ASIA. Jesus. People didn’t sign up to that when they voted to join the EEC! I don’t mind telling you we almost saw Trident in action. Thankfully cooler heads prevailed. Essentially, because the room is bugged, we got a phone call from Russia with a plan.”

The cooler heads know how to react to this unacceptable sacrifice of British sovereignty, at the hands of European geographers.

“We’re still using Trident to sort this out. Later in the week the old subs will be ordered to target their missiles in a line starting up in the North Sea and running all the way down the Channel, passed France and beyond. Then they’ll swing towards the Atlantic, taking the Channel Islands with us, underneath and out past Ireland (see how they like that!), before turning back up again and going east to complete the cut out. The explosions will free us once and for all from the shackles of the EU’s tyrannical, geographical rule. Once the waves have calmed down it will be a simple matter of attaching ropes to the edge of the new mini-continent and by use of tug boats we’ll be off into the Atlantic and free to trade with the world. Any earthquakes or tsunami’s will be the fault of Brussels. An expensive public information campaign will make that obvious.”

And what will the new continent be called?

“Why Little Englandia of course. What else?”

Trout means trout! Those EU John Dory foreigners have had their chips. British fish are being recruited and trained to protect Britain’s fishing territories.

Heading up this initiative is MP Marcus Fysh. There are good reasons for choosing Marcus. Firstly, he is sufficiently Brexity. Secondly, and more importantly, his name is Fysh.

This is one in the birds eye for Brussels. The new aquatic troops will be led by highly trained Navy seals. For Cod, Queen and country, and we will give Europe the middle fish finger.

Our former allies may carp all they like, (hali)but the truth is that they are floundering. They have been stitched up like a kipper.

Secrecy is paramount. Mackerel and minnows alike are being given blue passports and trained to use Eton rifles. It’s an undercover, indeed underwater operation. And if anyone asks? Don’t tell ’em, pike!

While we have a whale of a time, experts have noticed a few problems. Firstly, fish tend to drink like a fish and spend all their lives being completely legless. Then the firearms will get wet and won’t work. Also fish are not known for being a dab hand with a rifle. Believe in Britain, we are told. Experts, experts! Stop pouring cold water on our fishy schemes!

All fish spawned within the 200 mile exclusion zone are henceforth defined to be British. Does this include fish from the continent, which is after all less than 200 miles from the Great British coast? Or is this a Poisson d’Avril?

For some reason, the humble Scottish Sturgeon has been excluded from consideration.

There is a porpoise to all this, of course. British fish will batter the foreign ones into submission and yesterday’s newspaper. British fish never, never, never will be supper.

We will sit on our lofty perch, and sing a patriotic tuna or two. Just to make sure the crabby foreigners know their plaice.

Global Britain has a simple message for the EU: so long, and thanks for all the fish.

Quite honestly, it all sounds like a load of pollocks.

ARE YOU FEELING WARM OR FAINT : The NHS is set to save billions on dental care in the years to come as traditional British diseases are set for a patriotic comeback.

“It’s not just rickets,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “once we no longer have imports of citrus scurvy is back too. And once all the teeth fall out from the gammy gums of ageing patriots then we will save billions by not having to pay for dental care. Remember, you can eat mud with no teeth so long as the mud has a Union Jack sticker on it.”

But not to fear, scurvy isn’t alone, rickets is on the revised list of diseases newly classified as “Patriotic” by the genius brain-boxes now running the United Kingdom (on behalf of American and Russian kleptocrats).

“When Britons suffer, and suffer willingly, having decided at the ballot box to elect a bunch of entitled half-wits driven solely by self-aggrandisement, greed and a skewed understanding of Darwinism, that suffering shows the world how mighty an independent, sovereign country is. We do not need engagement with complex, cross border supply chains. Apparently now we don’t even need farms! How that squares with no needing complex, cross border supply chains? I’m sure a genius will be along to explain soon. Presumably we’ll 3D print food.”

The full list of diseases you can volunteer to suffer from to show Brussels who holds all the cards will be published shortly.

“Make mine a pick ‘n mix. I think that will be the slogan. A little bit of scurvy, some rickets and a few open sores, that’s how you’ll tell a patriot. Remember, some short term pain is necessary to make a success of Brexit. No one ever said it would be any different.”

BALL AND CHAIN : The UK’s government, known by itself as the sports car of administrations the world over, has announced its intention to withdraw from the European Arrest Warrant.

“We’re getting our sovereignty back,” a figment of the imagination. claiming to be a Downing Street source, said, “total and complete sovereignty. Much like North Korea, well, except for the bits where they let China push them about. So much like North Korea.”

The Warrant makes it much easier to remove foreign born criminals from the UK and ship them back where they came from.

“Why would we make it harder to send lawbreakers back home?” the source went on, “especially when we’re tough on crime and our prisons are overflowing? It’s about foreign born expertise. Our government sends a lot more of them back, prior to taking back control, then they send to us. So really, as with everything, the EU needs us more than we need them.”

But some have speculated, totally without justification, that it doesn’t make any sense. That once again Brexit is causing the UK to cut its nose off to spite its face. It will now be harder to extradite British criminals back to the UK to face justice.

“Now you’re getting it,” the source winked, “have you seen the reports on the scale of money laundering going on in London? Basically one of the pillars of Global Britain’s economy right there. You don’t want to kill the golden goose. Not that these issues are in any way related.”

Maybe the next time a sitting Tory MP faces trial for fraud or some egregious personal crime they can just bugger off to Spain?

“I wouldn’t have thought so. Not when they can be convicted and then be re-selected. It’s 2020 remember. Let’s just say we’re withdrawing out of professional courtesy and leave it at that. And for one other reason.”

Which is?

“If the bloody stuffed shirts in Brussels had agreed to rename it the British Arrest Warrant we would have stayed in it. Just like the European Court of Justice and the whole EU itself.”

JUST EAT IT : “BRITONS NEVER, NEVER, NEVER SHALL BE AFRAID of any element on the periodic table, especially not chlorine, and shall show a stout and ready face to whatever qualifies as food from 2021. You put it in front of us and we will eat it. And not because we don’t have any other choice,” so said Environment Secretary, Georgian Cant MP, aiming to show just how fearless Britons will need to be.

The display of proper British bravado occurred during a press conference in a barn earlier today and definitely involved the eating of some chicken.

Well, not exactly chicken. But whatever it was, Gregorian Cant claimed it was food and it had an aftertaste of poultry. He then went on to enthuse further over the future of British food.

“Under strict new guidelines, to be drawn up in consultation with our friends in big Agriculture in the United States, all food products claiming to be chicken will have a minimum chicken component stipulated by law, before any trade deal is agreed, post the transition period that begins Brexit. Farmers in the UK need not fear, for we will organise buses for them to retrain as customs officers.”

He then ate whatever it was, after donning a face mask, gloves and protective clothing as standard for handling high concentrations of chlorine, or Covid.

“This Britons,” he panted, face reddening, what looked like bleeding occurring from his gums, “this is the taste of sovereignty!”

He is expected to make a full recovery and denies rumours of an instant conversion to veganism.