Category: Global Britain

Down with this sort of thing! The Send ‘Em Home Secretary, Priti Patel, has ordered that all European opera will be replaced by the Last Night of the Proms after Brexit is finally done.

The ban extends to all music and arts in the UK. There will be a bhangra ban, a Hindi hoodoo, and any attempts by right-on hippy types to screen foreign language films will be subjected to police raids.

“We want a monocultural, monolingual country,” Patel announced to a standing ovation. “Restricting opera to repeated performances of Land of Hope and Glory will reinforce this!” she exclaimed, in the strident manner of Margaret Thatcher. Again rapturous applause. “To accept opera in a foreign language is to undermine the very essence of what it is to be British. There is no alternative!” Excited, deafening clamour.

At this point, Patel had became almost godlike in her audience’s eyes. She could have said anything and they would have cheered – take the first three rows out and shoot them, socialism is the way forward, The Birdie Song is the greatest song ever written – anything. So they missed the irony of her exiting the stage to Wagner.

Outside the arena, the one dissenting voice in the crowd (LCD Views’ Fat Lady correspondent) tried to bring individuals down to earth.

Here, listen to a bit of this, tell us what you really think.

“It sounds like some bird shrieking in pain,” remarked Boyle McGammon. “Why? What is it?”

We showed him the score.

“Oo’s it by? Oh, Wolf Gang Amadeus Mozzart. Oo’s ‘e when ‘e’s at ‘ome then?” he asked, not unreasonably..

Did you ever watch Amadeus?

“Oh, the foreign geezer ‘oo didn’t like the other foreign geezer,” he said. “Yeah, it was a heap of old crap if you ask me. What’s this tune called anyway?”

Again, we showed him the score.

“Die Zauberflöte? What the actual f#ck?” he exclaimed. “Who is Zorba-erm-thingy and why does he have to die? Why can’t they just write about a magic flute, or something? European crap! Priti is right. This is why we had to leave!”

Land of hope and glory! Mother of the free! Dum dum da-da-da daa daa, erm, something about, erm, God and being mighty. Erm… Land of hope and glory…

WITH IMMEDIATE AFFECT : Freedom of Movement can be a double edged sword. On one hand it can allow people to foster friendships across an entire continent that was once in almost perpetual, nationalist fuelled conflict, find their life partners, accept work or education opportunities across borders, maybe retire somewhere you find really lovely, but, on the other it can lead to you hearing foreign voices on trains.

It’s easy to see why ‘Take Back Control’ was such an emotional hook for a percentage of the electorate, finally freed to express their genuine concerns about immigration at the ballot box.

But it seems, no matter how steadfast, heroic and determined the leadership of the UK is from Downing Street, regarding ending freedom of movement for people (but not for money, clearly, and not for rich people either), the arrogant and unelected, elected heads of state of the EU27 have been slow to get the message that OUT MEANS OUT.

Until now.

We are pleased to announce that following last night’s broadcast of insightful, fact based discussion on BBCQT, that the EU is finally going to act.

With immediate effect all UK facing borders are to be sealed, welded shut, bricked up and barbed wired shut. The EU is taking back control now and it’s about time too.

“We are left with no choice,” said Mr Brussels in a funny sounding voice, “we have to immediately seal our borders with yourselves. Just in case that mad bigot shouting about the UK being full and the necessity of immediately closing UK borders gets out.”

The world has gone mad. The UK, having collectively lost its marbles, is about to lose its Marbles as well.

The Easiest Deal In History is looking less simple with every passing day. All the grudgingly suppressed ill feeling about the arrogant Brits is coming to the surface, now the UK has left the EU. The only surprise is that, having constantly insulted and complained about the EU, anyone is surprised at all.

Any deal requires give and take. The Greeks, presumably with the rest of the EU giggling behind their hands, are demanding the return of the Elgin Marbles. If not, they say, then you can forget about any trade in olive oil. And you can forget about Popeye, too.

What if other EU countries followed suit? The Italians might threaten to sue the UK for cultural appropriation of pizza, pasta and prosecco unless shops only stock genuine Italian ingredients.

German car manufacturers could hold the UK to ransom by refusing to sell us any more BMWs, Audis and VWs unless we promise to NEVER MENTION THE FUCKING WAR EVER AGAIN.

The French are rumoured to be withholding wine, brie and camembert until every episode of ‘Allo ‘Allo has been wiped.

Spain will happily supply us with oranges and other citrus fruit in exchange for repatriating all the British expats currently living there.

Every EU country with a grudge against the UK now has the perfect excuse to extract retribution. You want to behave like entitled spoilt brats? Go right ahead. Two can play at that game. We’ll soon see who needs who more than who, n’est-ce pas? Schadenfreude ist gut, ja? Capisce?

If the threat against the Marbles proves to be genuine, Crime Minister Boris Johnson has threatened to lock himself inside the British Museum. Having done this, he will lie down on the floor in front of them to prevent their removal. The security guards will attempt to apprehend him, whereupon Boris will hide in the nearest fridge and refuse to come out until Dominic Cummings arrives to rescue him.

This is Brexit Britain. The country has lost its marbles.

RHYTHM METHOD GOVERNMENT : DOWNING STREET has responded to the anticipated leftie, snowflake whinge festival over its plan to end the inflow of fit, educated, ambitious and driven young workers to the UK by saying it has plans in place to replace the missing workers with home bred Brits.

“The problem is actually our own fault,” a 10 Downing Street source, Mr Incel, told LCD Views, “for too long the country has slowed down the breeding of superior individuals by ready access to effective means of contraception. Of course, when you dig down into this matter, it’s the fault of British women in particular and their selfish decision not to spend their entire adult life pregnant. I once read a book by someone on the subject and misunderstood it.”

The initiative, which is expected to be called “Breeders for Britons”, will come with an alluring range of incentives to ensure that British women are happy “going bonkers”.

“Every British baby born to a British mother who only speaks English will be labelled with a British made Union Jack sticker,” the source went on, “it’s a special touch that I’m quite proud to confess I dreamed up myself. Imagine the pride of the family as it affixes the sticker of pride to the eleventh infant to be born in a decade?”

But critics of the scheme have noted that there are no plans to introduce sibling legislation that would outlaw women working outside of the home.

“Give us time. This is a far right project. We’ll get there.”

Other whiners have added that even if British women respond to the call, avoid criminalisation, and get on their backs (the only acceptable, legislated position in Brexitannia), the resulting baby boom will take too long to mature. The babies will not be ready to replace the lost workers for decades.

“Nonsense,” the source shrugged, “child labour is coming back into favour. Anyway, there’s also older British workers just sitting about. It really is time business weaned itself off cheap migrant Labour and onto starving English pensioners. By the time that supply has naturally exhausted itself the British boomers will be ready.”

The UK has finally broken free of its alleged enslavement. But without a plan or a map of the Road From Brexit, 40 years wandering in the wilderness lies ahead.

The Chosen People have followed the directions of the LORD, guided by His holy writings in the Daily Mail. The LORD appointed a gloriously useless leader to guide them through the desert.

“Boris will guide us to the Promised Land!” thundered the headline. Nobody knows where the Promised Land is, or even whether it exists. It is a mythical land of milk, honey, sunlit uplands, and unicorns frolicking with mermaids in the treetops.

Even now, some of The People are beginning to question the wisdom of leaving. “We were better off before, we had food, money, and homes,” they remoan. “Why did we ever Believe in Better?” But there is no going back. The great prophet Jacob predicted that prosperity will return in a mere 40 years. Meanwhile The People must live in tents, live hand to mouth and relish their freedom and sovereignty.

“There is only one thing to do!” exclaimed Boris. “I’m going to disappear for a while and get instructions from the LORD!”

Innocent bystanders might have been forgiven for thinking that he was intoxicated, as Boris was later discovered talking to a burning bush.

Boris returned to The People, carrying stones engraved with instructions. A bit like Ed Miliband’s Labour promise stone.

These promises include “Honour thyself above all others”, “Thou shalt bear false witness”, and “Committing adultery is OK by me”.

But, lo! The People, doubting their glorious leader, had pooled their resources and created a golden bust of Nigel Farage to worship.

“Yeah, whatever, he can take the blame,” shrugged Boris. “In fact, let’s just stay here, Turkey, Macedonia and Egypt will be desperate to do a trade deal with a bunch of stragglers camping in the desert!”

Don’t complain. You voted for this!

ONE OFF EVENT : DOWNING STREET IS IN LOCK DOWN today, IN FRIDGE AND IN COMMUNI CAR DODO after overnight reports of a mass desertion of BRITISH FISH to FORRIN WATERS.

“No one could have predicted it,” a source inside Defra told LCD Views, “the fish don’t even have blue passports yet. It’s rattled the cage we keep Boris in, I can tell you that.”

While the process of forcing forrin fish to apply for Settled Status in BRITISH waters has been ongoing for sometime, thanks to retrospective changes to maritime immigration laws that seriously strengthen Britain’s credibility as a liberal, progressive, humane, outward looking, welcoming state, in no way drifting into fascism while half of the country is in a coma watching Love Island – while that’s been happening, no one has given much thought to controlling our watery borders in the other direction. Or to the structure of this paragraph, so it seems.

“Personally I would sink these reports into the Marinara Trench, and any other pizza themed spots you can find in the deep,” the source continued, “pass emergency legislation to make it illegal to even say the words ‘British fish mass desertion’. If the broader population don’t believe EVERY MAN WOMAN, CHILD AND FISH is a POTATRIOT FOR BREXIT, then it threatens to undermine the entire kleptomaniac agenda.”

But while the reports are alarming and swim counter to the codswallop of the people, it will probably turn out to be even more alarming. Perhaps they’ve been stolen while they slept?

“Yes. That’s more likely the case. I suggest we accuse the French of kidnapping the fish and threaten them with the one gunboat remaining (after years of Tory austerity). One thing is certain, if fish continue to desert to the Continentals the entire policy agenda of Global Britain could flounder.”

Come back fish, all is forgiven.

“Not it’s not. This is Brexitannia. Where even a fish can be a traitor.”

HE WHO PAYS THE PIPER : The last ever UK Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, gave the game away in a speech earlier today on his vision for a future relationship with the EU, and how he will negotiate it.

In a speech made underneath a painting of the sort of divine intervention he’ll require to make any of his endless bullshit fly, he let keen observers into how he sees the future of the British economy.

“It’ll be cyclical,” our economic analyst reports, with a shrug, “but then it always is. Basically he’ll keep running down the clock on negotiations with Brussels on a bi-annual cycle. The looming dread of No Deal will see Remainers, and even some Leave voters eventually, go out and stockpile. This will give the UK economy a shot in the arm and economic forecasts will remain reliably upbeat.”

The only flaw in the plan appears to be if the EU actually call his bluff and force him to choose between a rational arrangement that recognises the geographical realities, and intermingled relationship between the UK and EU, or finally the catastrophe that No Deal would be.

“That’ll still be fine. The mass amount of stockpiling which would occur in the event of the EU doing so will easily carry the UK through to the 2025 GE on toilet paper sales alone.”

Whether or not any of Mr Johnson, and his Brexit travellers, bluff and bluster will finally be called now that the UK has left the EU remains to be seen.

“Getting the transition period was a good bit of blackmail by the UK government,” our analyst acknowledges, “tantric Brexit remains the policy. But really between the Brexit sheets everyone is getting shafted. It just remains to be seen who will be left holding the baby when the reality hits home. And if Johnson does finally end up with no deal, whether by accident or design, at least UKGov won’t have been stockpiling body bags for nothing. Win win.”

PUT A UNION JACK ON THAT UNION JACK : 10 Downing Street has moved to clear up confusion over new laws for retailers with a press statement this afternoon.

Shortly before 1pm a Downing Street ‘source’ spoke to reporters from behind a screen and while wearing a face mask. But we can confirm, in spite of the flimsy attempts to remain anon, everyone knew who it was.

“From 11pm CET Friday, 31St January 2020, new laws will come into force in shops and on the British internet,” the statement went, “sale of all and every product, no matter how large or small, whether it’s the one item still domestically produced, or any of the various imported products, will be illegal unless a Union Jack in present on the packaging.”

And to be sure everyone was with it there were further details.

“Single items, such as apples and grapes, which may now and then be sold individually, must bear a sticker with a Union Jack on them. If the item is a banana, and thus potentially imported, it will also have to carry the sticker. The sticker itself, in such circumstances, must be British made and also have a Union Jack on it.”

The rules will also apply to imported German cars, French cheeses and Italian sparkling wines. This is because the British invented all these things and 10 Downing Street is determined to claim it.

“If British money is paying for it it needs to add the sense of national unity engendered by Brexit by having a British flag on it.”

Once the new rules have been successfully applied in shops and everyone is feeling exceptionally patriotic, and showing it, the rules will extend to other areas of public life.

“Public transport will have Union Jacks on the buses. NHS doctors will be required to stick a Union Jack plaster across sutures and all music broadcast or played in the UK will soon have to carry a sample on the track which will be simply worded so as not to interrupt. The wording will be ‘Union Jack’.”

LCD Views has already noted that Union Jacks are appearing everywhere, even places it seemed previously unnecessary to have them, and applauds the new laws which will help make a success of Brexit.

“A freephone number will be unveiled shortly so customers can report any retailers not adhering to these simple new guidelines, especially sellers of Scottish, Welsh and Cornish flags.”

HE SHOULD HAVE APPLIED FOR SS : Time and space are no barrier to controlling OUR BOARDERS now that the UK is freeing itself from the SHACKLES OF BRUSSELS SPROUTS.

“To make the point we’re deporting Cheddar Man,” a Home Office hostile environment, face eating lizard told LCD Views, “we are not just stopping at stopping child refugees getting into the country. We mean business. We’re going to boot out anyone who can’t satisfy our simple requirements, alive or dead.”

What Cheddar Man will make of the move to make an example of him wasn’t known, so we popped along to the Natural History Museum to ask.

“This kipper government can’t stand it,” the skeleton appeared to say, “dark skin and blue eyes and the first proper Englishman? Mate. How the hell do you get your average Express reader to comprehend that without some sort of brain implosion? Best just to deposit me back on the other side of the North Sea and never, ever mention it again.”

And removing the inconvenient Cheddar Man won’t be the last in the move to tidy up the UK’s creation myth.

“We will be renaming certain areas of the country to reflect how the modern human story began in Blighty,” a spokesman from the new Ministry for Accurate Geographical Archaeology added to the story, “Yorkshire Dales will become The Rift Valley. Now the whole world will know that humans originated from England and bow before us. And wherever it was that farming was invented in Turkey? Yeah. We’ve a dedicated team looking at changing the name of the place on Wikipedia to Thanet.”

Whether or not there is any resistance to these changes won’t be reported. Actually, if your MP knows you voted against Brexit, you’ll be lucky if you’re even acknowledged.

Cheddar Man should have kept proper records. Retrospective changes to immigration laws to make people who arrived legally illegal humans is the way forward for Brexitannia. The world will see it and love us. These are the works of Global Britain.

WORDS MATTER : Reality is what you imagine it to be. This Global Britons is how we will reshape our country for the challenges we are creating ourselves for tomorrow!

To this end the Chancellor Mr Javid, famous for having worked for Deutsche Bank in the build up to the 2008 financial crash, has urged any British business not in the boom sector of disaster capitalism to prepare to be a disaster.

To help in this end the government has rewritten the MPs code of conduct so MPs know what to do when the disasters begin in earnest.

https://publications.parliament.uk/pa/cm201719/cmcode/1474/147401.htm

Gone are such fluffy, woke, hipster nonsense like selflessness. Mate. What were you thinking? How can that possibly prepare Britain for Brexit? Don’t even think about considering the needs of others. Misunderstood Darwinism is now the go to moral in the code.

Integrity? OMG. Boris Johnson being Prime Minister and also elevating MPs sacked by the electorate to the Lords settles that score.

Accountability? Pah! We can’t even do basic maths anymore. Just look at our Brexit forecasts. There aren’t any! And besides, MPs need to know that when we do Brexit it is the fault squarely of the people who said Don’t Do Brexit.

Openness? Another quaint notion that won’t build Empire 2.0. Release the Russia Report? And what? Lose our jobs? You’re having a laugh.

And the rest of it. Honesty. Leadership. Yeah. Yeah. You’ve not been paying attention.

Now the code of conduct is simple. Simply ‘Fuck Business, and the rest of it’, just listen to Javid (and chums), blithely throwing millions to the wolves because, wait for it, the people voted for it.

Representative parliament has outlived its usefulness to predatory billionaires, now we do Brexit. Get on with it.