Category: Global Britain

DON’T PANIC : DOWNING STREET HAS MOVED TO REASSURE GLOBAL BRITONS OVER THEIR GLOBAL FUTURE IN THE NEW YEAR BY CONFIRMING THEY HAVE DONE MORE REAL WORLD PLANNING THAN SEEMS APPARENT.

“It doesn’t matter what deal we get with the EU, we are ready for whatever we do to you,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “we’ve war gamed war against the British people and in each scenario we were victorious.”

While some of the details of the preparations undertaken by Downing Street remain secret, the government has decided to let a few cats out of the bag to reassure us.

“The choice of a floodplain for the Kent lorry park was deliberate. We’re testing how well we do under strain. To this end the park will be potentially dry and ready for straining truckers in the new year, sometime. And clearly our policy of discouraging hauliers from even visiting the UK in 2021 will make wet or dry in Kent irrelevant.”

But it’s not just managing demand in 2021 from outsiders, our great and farsighted leaders are also ready to manage expectations at home.

“Remember the great KFC chicken shortage of a few years back? The emergency services overwhelmed by furious and confused Britons demanding to know where the chicken was? That was on purpose. Now we know how to handle supply lines crises.”

And happily the solution is tried and tested.

“We’ll just keep saying Blitz Spirit! And everyone will know exactly how to handle whatever temporary inconveniences arise out of the unreasonable attitude of foreigners to Brexit.”

TOTAL CNUT : THE UK’S FAITH IN ITS BOLD AND VISIONARY LEADER, BORIS JOHNSON, IS SET TO RAMP UP EVEN MORE TODAY WITH THE PLAN BY WORLD KING BORIS JOHNSON TO VISIT THE FLOODED KENT LORRY PARK (CONSTRUCTION SITE).

The action will be ruthlessly voiced over by Andrew Marr, with Laura Kuenssberg faithfully tweeting the action as it unfolds.

The show of faith is expected to send a stark warning to the EU that the time for playing games is over. They must buckle and accept British hegemony or they’ll be responsible for the inability of Brexit MPs to not build an emergency lorry holding facility on a floodplain.

“Boris loves his classical references,” a Downing Street aide told LCD Views, “and he loves dressing up. So today will be very special for him. He’ll get to dress up and act out a famous historical scene! He’s just giddy at the moment. He barely slept a wink. Right now he’s running about the corridors excitedly like a cocker spaniel chasing a bitch in heat. Although to be fair, that’s a fairly common occurrence most days.”

What the floodwaters will do faced with Mr Johnson going total Cnut isn’t yet clear, but it’s understood they are likely to do as he bids.

“Cnut wasn’t able to stop the tide rising,” the aide notes, “but he didn’t have enough self belief. The waters will tremble before Boris, although some may mistake that for the furious activity of emergency pumps attempting to drain the site before all the concrete washes away.”

POSSESSION IS 9/10 OF THE LAW : THE UK’S GOVERNMENT IS WORLD BEATING, THAT MUCH IS WELL ESTABLISHED, IT’S JUST NOT ALWAYS CLEAR WHAT IT’S WORLD BEATING AT. AT LEAST IF YOU’RE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING POSITIVE.

Epic amounts of bullshit is one clear field, even before epic bullshitter Boris Johnson took the highest office.

Viewed from that angle it’s hardly surprising the UK government chose to celebrate the licensing for use of the Pfizer CV-19 vaccine by immediately lying about it.

It got them attention. It even got them fact checked by the BBC, and some would suggest since 2016 (and the BBC’s attitude to lying Tory/Brexiter politicians) that’s a big achievement.

“We need to celebrate yesterday’s achievements by the US/German pharmaceutical company and its German-Turkish scientists,” a 10 Downing Street insider told LCD Views, “which is why we immediately started lying about it. Appropriating someone else’s product or achievement and presenting it as your own is classic Tory politics.”

And to bed in the public perception as the UK leading the fight against CV-19 a gold standard in nationalism is to be updated.

“Boris Johnson may have drawn back from affirming the lies of his foot soldiers about the vaccine at yesterday’s press conference. Presumably because JVT was standing next to him and had told him he would immediately vanish if he did it.”

But away from the bright glare of the press work was able to continue unabated.

“But that didn’t mean he wasn’t busy. And later last night he got out his arts and crafts supplies. Those famous empty wine crates and the little pots of paints, and did his best to capitalise on the lies.

“He constructed a new national chant. He built a bus from his wine crates and painted a new lie across it,” our insider says, “Two World Wars, One World Cup and German CV-19 vaccine! Get used to chanting it!”

FUR COAT BUT NO KNICKERS: Union Jack branding is the latest government exercise in reviving our flagging sovereignty. Every man, woman and child of true blue British origin will be obliged to wear patriotic pants, or else be deported to Ascension Island.

Dress For Britain! is the latest three word slogan. Companies unconnected to the rag trade, but not unconnected to Tory party donors, will produce the jingoistic underwear.

“Going commando will not be an option,” explained Mandatory Patriotism Minister, Budgie Smugglers. “Unless our loyal subjects wish to have their nether regions tattooed in red, white and blue. I’ll run that one up the flagpole.”

Who could possibly object?

“Nobody, that’s the beauty of the scheme,” replied a clearly excited Smugglers. “But just in case, we are employing an extra 20,000 enforcement officers. The Proudly Patriotic Pants Police will perform spot checks to ensure that everyone has spotless pants.”

Won’t this eliminate the element of personal choice, so beloved of the free-market right wing?

“Not at all,” said Smugglers. “There’s always a choice. Wear the pants, or if you hate the country that much you can just leave. It makes getting dressed more efficient. There will be no more prevaricating over what to wear, just slip on your patriotic polyester and away you go!”

There are other advantages.

“It’s very easy to see at a glance whether somebody is following the regulations,” said Smugglers with a patronising note in his voice. “Anyone taking pride in their country will instantly drop ‘em for a strange man in the street, I know I would!”

There are those who are a bit shy about showing their smalls to a complete stranger.

“Clearly traitors, or, even worse, remoaners,” said Smugglers. “It’s a bit of cheeky fun, isn’t it? Give us a quick flash, have a giggle, and go, it’s just like being in a British seaside postcard!”

And if all else fails, just act the superhero and wear your pants outside your trousers.

SEEING IS DECEIVING : World King Boris Johnson, and zero hours British Prime Minister, has taken a bold step today to securing British sovereignty against the unceasing attacks from Brussels.

He has ordered that the English Channel be dyed in the colours of the Union Jack, and all other British territorial waters to be similarly coloured.

The move is expected to make it clear to illegal fishing vessels operating out of lesser countries where they can and can not fish. It is also expected to ruin the retirement plans of Junker, who is said to be spending a lot of time fishing, which is another tangible benefit of Brexit.

“It will make it much easier to see which fish are traitors too,” a spokesman for the Ministry of Agriculture, Fisheries and Food told LCD Views, “it will make extraditing them from France much easier after Brexit. Now the intangible nature of Britishness enjoyed by ARE FISH will be stained into their very scales just by swimming in the pure waters of Britannia. Sovereignty is Fishy. That’s the slogan.”

The method chosen to dye the waters is also said to be very personal to the prime minister.

“We’ll be using his water paints,” the spokesman said, “it’s meant we’ve had to give a mate of Matt Hancock’s a contract to supply the PM with £252m worth of new water paints. It’s a good thing he texted.”

There will be a televised ceremony to mark the dying of British waters too.

“John Redwood and Nigel Farage will dress in sack cloths and sail out to the extent of British waters off Dover. There they will sing Elgar while Priti Patel paints the water personally. It’s going to bring the entire country back together.”

Questions over what will happen to the paint have not been addressed. Specifically, if it will just flow away on the waters like sovereignty after Brexit?

“This is Brexit. It’s the one thing about which we only do personal cost benefit analysis, dependent on our financial portfolios. Now run along and learn the songs for the big day or you’ll be last in the line for the food queues come January.”

APPLAUSE IS INFECTIOUS : News today that twenty nine million patriotic pounds are to be spaffed up the wall to celebrate Brexit. Good news for patriots!

“It makes a clear case for why Mr Johnson had to be shamed by a footballer into feeding poor children, not once, but twice this year,” our Downing Street source comments, “and why we need to bring back car parking charges for NHS.”

The Festival itself will feature a range of celebrations as Britain resumes its rightful place as head of international trade, now it’s been freed of the shackles of the EU.

“We are resuming our natural leadership role on Planet Earth,” the source adds, “we can more easily lead by not trading with the largest trading bloc on Earth, a few miles away, while pursuing new and ambitious, environmentally sensitive trading arrangements with smaller regions as far away as possible.”

The most prominent spectacles of the Festival of Brexit will focus on its achievements.

“There will be a potato deified by Nigel Farage and a fish divided by John Redwood with a potato masher. Also Anne Widdecombe will do a stirring rendition of Elgar’s entire back catalogue on a kazoo.”

But the biggest moment of the “immersive experience, like falling headfirst into a septic tank” has to be reserved for Brexit UK’s commander in chief, Boris Johnson. He will feature daily in a range of uniforms representing each profession and/or vocation that Brexit will impact. And new metaphors are also promised on the hour, invented by Boris himself (or half remembered from the classics).

“Undoubtedly the greatest moment will be when Boris takes the stage daily, dressed as Montezuma, accompanied by his carer Carrie (pencilled in currently to be styled after Boudicca) and claps for the NHS. It will be quite the sight. And such prominence will do more for the morale of NHS workers than a pay rise ever could. And at the end of the clapping there will be a firework set off and a wheel of cheddar rolled into ten pins painted to represent all the Covids. It will be world beating.”

MAKE WW2 AIRPLANE SOUNDS NOW : BORIS JOHNSON IS A FREESPENDING PM, which is a great relief after the austere years of Dave “Wunderkind” Cameron and Theresa “fatal error in file” May.

“He knows he doesn’t have that long in the top job, before he gets bored and quits,” a new 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “so he’s going to have his fun with the public purse while he’s got it.”

The fun appears to have mostly focused on awarding PPE contracts to chums during 2020, but that is set to change as Mr Johnson looks to secure the defence of the realm into the future.

“Clearly the backbone of the modern defence of the UK is an obsessive focus on WW2,” the source continues, “just without all the distracting parts that foreigners played in the victory over the fascists.”

To this end the new multi-billion pound defence spending, announced today, will build on an already well established method for reminding the world that the UK is a lion that can still roar.

“Spitfire fly-pasts,” the source nods along, “that’s where most of the new money is going. One of Johnson’s old drinking mates from Eton days has a Spitfire re-enactment VR facility, allegedly, and they’ll (rumour says, not confirmed) be receiving a few billion to ramp that up so that tomorrow’s Spitfire fly-past pilots receive the most modern training possible for acting out the UK’s yesterday.”

Schools will also feature heavily with WW2 history days each and every day forever and never once will the children ever hear about Suez.

SLIPPERY WHEN WET : THE CORNER HAS BEEN TURNED TODAY for the beleaguered British fishing industry after the government accelerated plans to make it more British.

In order to do this the entire stock of British fish will be relocated to within the actual landmass of England.

“This is not to say this is just an English nationalist cause,” a spokesman for 10 Downing Street told LCD Views, “the entirety of these islands will benefit from photos of British fish safe and secure inland.”

But while the government is using terms such as inland to describe the move, that’s not entirely correct.

“It is correct to say that while the fish will be moved inland, they’ll still be in water. So no one has anything to fear. Additionally, it will make the future of the industry even more secure as fishermen will be able to find them much easier. And importantly, the French won’t have a chance because from 2021 they won’t be able to enter the country. This is what taking back control of our fish means in reality.”

But critics have pointed out that in order to catch the fish inland British fishermen will need to move their boats inland too, and given that the site of the new camp is in Kent, many will need Kent Access Permits to get their boats inside the newest of British overseas territories.

“It will all be worth it. The plan was always to leave the EU and catch as many fish as fast as possible, without thought to sustainability, and this accelerates the scheme to one massive, one off pay day, after which everyone goes broke.”

And where exactly will the British fish be relocated to, inside Kent?

“The flooded Kent lorry park of course. It’s not like anyone is going to be daft enough to send a lorry across the Channel to Blighty from 2021. They’ll never get the bleeding truck home again. This is a perfect example of adaptable thinking at top of government. And you’re welcome to it.”

Check. Change. Go Bankrupt. The future is certain.

THE SPINNING TOP : OUTGOING UK PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON has moved swiftly to leverage his special relationship with the new government looming across the pond in America.

While most lesser commentators expect Mr Johnson to have a frosty relationship with the administration of Joe Biden and Kamala Harris, some are quick to point out that Mr Johnson can change his spots faster than a leopard.

“Many supposedly learned political obsessives have already declared that Boris Johnson’s friendship with Joe Biden is dead in the water, at launch, due to his history of thinly veiled racist comments about Barrack Obama, cosying up to that sociopath Trump, and complete disregard for the welfare of the peoples of Ireland,” our in house hero notes, “but they underestimate the lengths Mr Johnson will go to in the service of self preservation.”

And those lengths are gesture deep. Because that will work.

“He’s not having his usual Sunday morning lie in today,” we ramble on, “he’s already with his lawyer drawing up the deeds needed for a legal change of name. Quite the diplomat. World beating in fact.”

The ramped up move is the addition of an O’ to his surname.

“Later today, after the necessary paperwork has been processed Britain’s prime minister will be Boris O’Johnson. A move that will wash away the stains of years of short termism and politically leveraged racism. Not to mention his colonial approach to peace in Ireland. And as an extra move, that video footage of him refusing to shake hands with black supporters at a Tory Party event will be erased from all social media platforms. There is no lengths Mr Johnson will not go to to keep the special relationship special.”

It’s understood that Dominic Cummings will also be changing his name to Dominic O’Goings, just as soon as Mr O’Johnson gets up the courage to tell O’him.

Change is coming, and not just to America.

CLENCH AND DON’T RELEASE : BORIS JOHNSON’S INTERESTS IN THE BUMS OF YOUNGER LADIES IS MORE USUALLY THE SUBJECT OF DISCUSSION ACROSS MAJOR NEWS NETWORKS, THEN MR JOHNSON’S BUTT HIMSELF. BUT EVENTS IN AMERICA HAVE CHANGED ALL THAT.

Shortly after lunch time Friday a major disturbance was recorded in central London.

“The windows shook. The dogs hid. The cats looked offended. At first it was assumed that someone was letting off fireworks, but then light dawned,” a 10 Downing Street staffer told LCD Views, “it was Boris Johnson’s bum squeak.”

The squeak, recorded on richter scales across the UK, is thought to be “world beating” and potentially the largest English based bum squeak since the Suez Crisis of the mid 1950’s.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s aftershocks,” the staffer continued, “most of the Johnson government’s plans are prefaced on the assumption that Donald Trump would retain power in America and the trans-Atlantic neo-feudalist, kleptocratic syndicate continue on its merry way reshaping the English speaking nations of the Northern Hemisphere into a golden age not enjoyed since the early 14th century, in terms of inherited privilege. But Biden/Harris winning changes all that. Biden/Harris don’t like Boris.”

Why they don’t like Boris Johnson and his mega mind Dominic Cummings is a matter of mystery.

“If you’ve had your head in a bucket.”

If you’ve had your head in a bucket.

“I’d say it would be a good idea to move fragile items off tables and secure your windows and mirrors,” the staffer adds, “anytime today Boris Johnson’s tech trainer, Arcuri, her twitter timeline and all the batshit crazy stuff on it related to the US election is going to break into the UK press. Along with some rather more substantial British-American dalliances, as the machinery of US government and law enforcement begins its realignment.”