Category: Global Britain

NO FOETUS IS AN ISLAND : Controlling Britain’s borders has never been easier since the country sensibly took back control from the tyrannical EU and today breaks the news that Priti Patel’s Home Office is relishing its new found global super power.

The runaway success of the Hostile Environment stands as one of the greatest legacies of the May/Cameron era with its snappy catchphrase “Citizens of Nowhere” fingered by some as the moment the U.K. really took back control of negotiations with the EU. Now Priti Patel is taking the Home Field advantage and driving it into foreign soils.

“Operation In-Utero De-Porto is the next stage in the globally recognised push to rid the U.K. of unwanted peoples. You know the kind, they come to the country and steal jobs. Jobs which right thinking Britons should be doing. Thanks to Brexit we’ve 100’s of 1,000’s of job vacancies now which just shows how successful your government has been pursuing Nigel Farage’s priorities,” a Home Office spokesman told LCD Views.

In-Utero De-Porto has been given “a name that sounds both Latin and Latin” the spokesman explains so that “forrins can better understand it” and has already seen thousands of newborns across the EU issued with pre-emotive deportation notices.

“Those babies know that if they come to Global Britain they’ll be going right back out again. It’s how we will build Empire 2.0. Soon we will be expanding the scheme to issue notices to unborn job thieves and potentially even individual spermatozoa and ovals before they join. You can never go too far when it comes to nipping job crime in the bud.”

But some critics within the Tory Party have expressed alarm at the scheme.

“It’s been misreported that we’re upset over the loss of small but vigorous children for field work and chimney sweeping. Changes to UC will ensure a ready domestic supply of the needed staff,” Swivel Eyes Loon MP told LCD Views.

“What we are really upset over is robbing future Conservative MPs of the chance to persecute people who moved to the U.K. perfectly legally before having the rug pulled from under them. The lost years of mental stress and despair, and the money shakedown that now won’t happen, shows we need a system that lets them in first. Then we punish them.”

Global Britain – You don’t need to wait to come here before being told Leave means Leave.

SHOUT LOUDER SO THEY CAN HEAR YOU : Great news today for anyone concerned the United Kingdom is becoming less visible on the global map since its reinvention as Global Britain.

Fearless Prime Minister Boris Johnson maybe self isolating on a country estate so massive no one can find him but that doesn’t mean he’s idle, all the time.

It’s alleged the booze has not stopped flowing since he took the sensible precaution of allegedly retrospectively changing his geographical location on the day he was deciding whether or not to take the piss out of self isolation rules, or do what he does best and make an example of himself.

“The cellars are Chequers maybe at risk of being empty by the time the PM finishes his seclusion,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “But the blue sky will be full of magical thinking.

It seems mostly the PM has turned his attention to destabilising the peace process in Northern Ireland, in the hope of blackmailing the EU into changing the Brexit Deal.

“But he’s also given some thought to the need for the country to update its national symbols to better exemplify its new reality. The flag clearly needs a redesign.”

Any redesign must be in keeping with the man himself which is why all Union Flags will soon be much brighter and impossible to miss.

“We’re redoing the flag in hi vis. This way no one will be able to ignore Global Britain. And everyone will have to take us seriously as a risk,” the source confirms, “This spikes the guns of the nationalists in the colonial provinces too. You want to redesign our flag Sturgeon? Too late! We’ve beaten you to it!”

The other tangible benefit of the recoloured flag will be to better represent the UK’s government.

“Run a hi vis filter over the Union Flag and it looks just like UKIP’s. Which is especially fitting when you look at Boris Johnson’s nasty, little xenophobic government. Plus, it’ll be a boom to the flag and bunting industry in China.”

THAT SINKING FEELING : Still waters may run deep but the churning, shallow stream of effluent from 10 Downing Street is in no danger of being still. Or stopping. As “Freedom Day” is rapidly approaching world king Boris ‘Plague’ Johnson is determined to celebrate the declared end of the pandemic in the UK with a traditional British celebration.

“We’re going to have a wonderful party,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It will be like the VE Day celebrations last year all over again. Conga lines on every street passing the airborne virus from front to back and with the Prime Minister’s express permission and encouragement!”

And to help everyone really get into the right mood for the party the PM is said to have booked a famous British band to provide the music.

“We’ve booked the actual band that played on the actual Titanic as it sank. You could not stop them cheering the passengers up as the ship upended and went straight into the depths. Which is exactly what we’re aiming for on the 19th of July.”

The booking of the band that played as the Titanic went under is not only appropriate because of the comparison between the behaviour of England and that other preventable disaster.

“It’s the right choice. Remember what Mr Johnson said himself in the House of Commons? We’re going to make a Titanic success of Brexit! We’ve done that. And now we’re doing it with the novel virus. Because not hitting the iceberg at speed would upset the Tory backbenchers. And no one ever wants to do that! No matter what the human cost.”

Home Secretary Priti Patel welcomed a startling new initiative suggested by Nigel Farage to not only substantially cut the number of illegal immigrants attempting to cross the channel, but to boost the funds of the much treasured RNLI.

Mr Farage’s idea is reportedly to use the RNLI to transport immigrants from the French coast to the proposed purpose-built reception centres where asylum seekers can put forward their cases before being deported. Currently, the RNLI craft are collecting immigrants from the English Channel when their dinghies capsize and bringing them ashore in Kent, but it has been suggested that the charity could charge immigrants for the full trip to bolster its funds.

A Home Office spokesman said, ‘The beauty of the idea is that the charity will collect much needed funds by undercutting the vile traffickers, thus putting them out of business. This is of course a key plank of the Home Secretary’s humanitarian immigration strategy.’

Asked where the immigrants would be transported to, the spokesman replied, ‘We are looking at a number of options at the moment with redundant oil rigs, out of service container ships, and the Isle of Wight being amongst the front runners. One possibility of course is to offer a package for transport and accommodation, prices being dependent on the quality of the latter. Naturally, all tickets will include a full return service. In due course we should be able to utilise out of season hotels for our Gold class package deals. It shouldn’t be too costly for our customers as it will, of course, be short term. Very short term.’

An RNLI spokesman said, ‘OK, wait, what?’

THIS SKEWERED ISLE : 10 DOWNING STREET isn’t taking the EU treating the UK like a third country without HITTING BACK!

The news that Great British TV content may not screen so much now, because of exactly what 10 Downing Street demanded, is not something the “purist EU is allowed to get away with”.

Boris Johnson himself is said to have come up with a plan to take the FIGHT BACK to the EU!

“He was working through his pickled herrings at breakfast and wondering what champagne to have with lunch when it came to him,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “he won’t let them not see Great British TV output.”

Clearly the only language the EU will understand spoken by GLOBAL BRITAIN will be communication full of WW2 REFERRENCES.

“That’s why Mr Johnson has chosen Great British TV classic ‘Dad’s Army’ to show the EU they won’t get away with it!”

‘Dad’s Army’ will now be broadcast 24/7, come rain, hail or food shortages onto THE GREAT BRITISH WHITE CLIFFS OF DOVER!

“It’s genius,” the source nods along, “this way the FRENCH HAVE TO WATCH IT!”

The broadcast will continue, unrelenting, until the EU BACKS DOWN.

“If we run out of Dad’s Army there’s always a long list of black and white WW2 films to screen and THE ENGLISH VICTORY IN THE 1966 WORLD CUP!”

The only potential problem in the scheme to HIT THE EU WHERE IT HURTS is Home Secretary Priti Patel’s plans to deploy a wall of floating Union Flag barges down the middle of the English Channel to stop BRUSSELS SPYING ON US!

“It’s okay. Mr Johnson has said we’re going to be a digital tech superpower. We’ll just cut some holes in the barge line and the French can SEE RIGHT THROUGH IT!”

BREXIT BENEFITS COME FROM A LAND DOWN UNDER : OMG the Brexiters have done the impossible today and agreed to agree a trade agreement with Australia.

The exciting development maybe a surprise but was of course a forgone conclusion after Liz Truss went there with a Union Flag umbrella. Who could resist the power of those Sydney Harbour visuals? Not the Australians! Especially not Australians with some extra jars of Vegemite and a spare packet of Tim Tams to export to the far side of the world!

“Clearly it’s important no one mentions hormone injected beef as we celebrate this monumental achievement,” a spokesman for the British Prime Minister, Rupert Murdoch, said. “Also don’t talk about the ecological vandalism required to tear up trade with half a billion people a few miles away in favour of trade with half a dozen a world away. This is Global Britain, to question its achievements is unpatriotic.”

To help embed the world beating win Downing Street had enlisted the help of the Royal Mail. They will be producing a special celebratory stamp to mark the agreement to agree to agree an agreement.

“The stamp will list all the benefits to the U.K. of the Aussie FTA,” the spokesman revealed. “It will be the smallest stamp ever produced by any nation on Earth. It is just that significant. And no one can question the value of the projected 0.02% to U.K. GDP over the next 15 to 1,000 years. We’ve had an electron microscope discover it.”

Break out the bunting Global Britons! Brexit may be costing you thousands each per year but you’ll sooner or later get 10p off a jar of Vegemite! Well done cobbers! This ain’t a load of cobblers!

G YOURSELF UP : The United Kingdom is to follow its world beating success at hosting the recent G7 summit in Cornwall by hosting the first ever G1 next month.

It’s believed Prime Minister Boris Johnson will announce this evening the timing of the G1 after he informs the great British public that full lockdown easing will be delayed for four weeks because “he screwed up the pandemic plan by just not caring overly much about public health, again.”

The date the G1 begins will be on “Freedom Day” as that is felt most appropriate to really showcase post Brexit Britain to the British press. Only the Great British press will be invited to the event to ensure client journalists turn up and not some pesky foreign types intent on undermining Brexit by talking Britain down. For this purpose Channel 4 will be classed as foreign press and moved to immigration detention in Kent.

“The G1 will show the entire world the extend of Global Britain’s influence,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “Only inviting ourselves will send a strong and unequivocal message to foreigners about who is best. Also how we intend to take advantage of the newfound freedoms made available by reclaiming our sovereignty.”

The summit will feature all the same high points as the recent G7 with the addition of a series of domestic announcements.

“Boris Johnson will agree to outlaw the use of metric with himself and the imposition of imperial for all important measurements. Especially sausages and bananas.”

The conclusion of the summit will also mirror the triumphant closure of the G7 with the PM swimming in the sea on his own.

“Only this time he will keep swimming towards the horizon where a submarine will surface and collect him. He will never be seen again but it’s okay, as Carrie will then reign in his place instead to ensure strong and stable government from 55 Tufton Street continues unimpeded.”

The nationality of the submarine hasn’t been revealed but it’s believed it will be “Russian”.

FULL METAL SPAFFET : Reports are breaking of “alarm” and “scenes of disarray” in 10 Downing Street after the G7 summit concluded in Cornwall without Boris Johnson making any new friends.

It was assumed that the powerhouse British PM would be able to charm and “baffle with bullshit” some of the most powerful people on Earth once he got them alone and “hammered”. Not so.

“THERE IS NO PLAN B!” a panicked 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Well there is. But he makes music. There is no plan B in Downing Street to get our own way internationally other than having Johnson talk a load of cobblers. What will we do? We can’t start a war to distract the domestic voters without the yanks and they hate us!”

Exactly how Mr Johnson’s famous bonhomie and ability to construct endless word salads didn’t impact forcefully on the other leaders is a puzzle that will need to be solved fast.

“It was guaranteed to succeed. Johnson shambling around with a fixed grin and play acting the role of a Charlie Chaplin character mashed into a C-grade Churchill impersonation. How did it not pierce the mental armour of some of the world’s most focused and detail orientated leaders? Complete mystery. He didn’t even pull at the after party! Total catastrophe. He had to go home with his wife! And he only married her because otherwise she couldn’t be involved in the photo shoots. It’s ALL FOR NOTHING!”

The one consolation is that while international relations maybe more difficult, now that the other leaders have met Johnson in person, he can rely on domestic tabloids proclaiming the summit as a triumph for Brexit Britain.

“We do at least have that. No one in the U.K. will see the event as anything other than a total triumph for the old fraudevillian.”

THE POWER OF DUMB : The United Kingdom’s last Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, has had a cracking week hosting a select group of world leaders in Cornwall.

“It’s been amazing,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Mr Johnson met with a selection of leaders of some of the world’s most prominent representative democracies. We’re not sure if he learned anything from them as they’re to a man girly swots, but he had a lot of fun playing on the beach.”

While there were plenty of smiles for the cameras it wasn’t all fun and games.

“It was a little slow if I’m honest,” the source continues, “Boris is used to being invited to rather more rambunctious parties. In Italian hills at villas owned by friendly foreign chaps. What happens at the villa stays at the villa. Still, the biggest guy at the party, Joe, brought his wife along and she got in great with Boris’s current wife. Carrie and Boris only got married recently because some American guy rang up and said about forget the photo shoots with your girlfriend. Mrs Johnson must be present. Which was nice. Gave them the shove they needed to make things official.”

The most fun though was when Mr Johnson had all the others as a captive audience and was able to perform his improv act for them.

“That was a total giggle. All those stuffed shirts having to sit there while Boris just said the first thing that came into his head. Completely Churchillian. Especially the end where he reminded them that just like in WW2 they need us more than we need them!”

BANANA REPUBLIC ON SEA : FANTASTIC NEWS FOR THE WESTMINSTER CONSTITENCY OF UXBRIDGE AND SOUTH RUISLIP TODAY with overnight reports of a potential coup.

The idea of toppling the UK’s dangerous joke of a Prime Minister was first floated in the White House late last year, but was put on the backburner after dangerous joke President Donald Trump attempted his own coup at home.

“With Trump safely barricaded and going steadily insane in Florida, vaccinations at pace across the USA and the US economy on the upturn the President now has time to consider other pressing matters,” a White House insider tells LCD Views. “Like what to do about perfidious Albion?”

What to do appears to be reach back into the classic US foreign policy playbook of the later half of the 20th Century.

“The President has ordered the CIA to work up plans to destabilise and ultimately topple Boris Johnson. One would have expected a democracy of the age of Britain’s to have a political class capable of doing it, but it does not seem so.”

Clearly the need to remove Mr Johnson is obvious, with his entire government repeatedly breaking the law and undermining the Western alliance. But it seems the extraordinary measure was triggered by something more basic.

“Did you see him yesterday? Doing his cartoon act next to the President and Dr Biden? It was all they could do to keep smiling. Embarrassing is not the word. You know when you become President you’re going to have to publicly put up with some nonsense to get the job done in private. But photoshoots with Boris Johnson and his current wife? Once is definitely enough.”