Category: Fully Sovereign Trading Nation

PLUMMETING POLLS : The EU is well known to have been behind all the great disasters to have befallen the proud and noble people of the United Kingdom. From the decision in Brussels to invade Britannia in 55BC, again in 40something AD and then to collapse the Western Roman Empire and plunge the UK into the Dark Ages, the EU has been there all along, spitefully undermining God’s chosen people. But now it looks like they may finally go too far!

As the UK PM Boris Johnson PLUMMETS IN THE POLLS faster than a deep roller the EU is accused of just “standing idly by and not changing the entire legal framework of the European Union to suit Mr Johnson”.

“How they sleep at night I do not know?” a 10 Downing Street insider told LCD Views. “They have it in their power to just change the laws that govern the European Union unilaterally to force HGV drivers back to the UK, but they don’t? Why won’t they? You have to ask yourself if they’ve ever reconciled to Brexit being done? It’s time they moved on and did exactly as we tell them.”

And the pressure is building even as the supermarket shelves in the UK are clearing.

“How anyone sane can expect Boris Johnson to manage a crisis of the magnitude growing within the United Kingdom is beyond me. It’s just spite. They see a spoiled man child and they decide to give him a bloody spanking. And they’re supposed to be woke!”

This evening unelected bureaucrat Lord Forst is to be dispatched by 10 Downing Street to Brussels, via trebuchet, with a stiff warning for the tyranny that resides so smugly in its full shops across la Manche.

“You’re about to lose Angela Merkel EU!” Frost will warn the tyrants. “Do you want to lose Boris Johnson too? To lose one statesperson seems like misfortune, but to lose two seems like carelessness! Damn you EU!”

KEEP ON TRUSSING ON : An overnight study has discovered the root cause of the distress felt by many English fans today after the nail biting loss to Italy in last night’s Euro2020 final.

The cause appears to be the fact that they just haven’t heard about all the exciting post-Brexit trade deals closed by Brexit Superstar Liz Truss. It’s not so much that England lost the game but that some people don’t have enough that is good in their life to set the defeat against. This leaves them unable to acknowledge that the result was a fair reflection of the contest between two fantastic teams. And then move on. Happy in the outstanding achievements of the wonderful England team and their manager.

“We didn’t expect to discover it’s Liz Truss’s fault,” Professor Madeup, lead researcher on the study, told LCD Views. “It would however be helpful if the Secretary of State for Photocopying EU Trade Deals put just a bit of effort into advertising her achievements. The old social media post now and then. The occasional disingenuous puff piece in the Telegraph or Express. Is that too much to ask?”

The reticent nature of Ms Truss has not been helpful since the United Kingdom took back control of its sovereignty, and there are fabricated rumours of an imminent reshuffle.

“Ms Truss is not going to be reshuffled anytime soon,” a 10 Downing Street source said, “mostly because she’s always overseas closing exciting, time limited trade deals on less advantageous terms than we enjoyed before Brexit. So long as she’s happy to drape herself in flags and beam emptily at a camera she is giving the boss what he needs. The right wing rags can write positive interpretations of the achievements and pro-trolls share the articles across social media platforms. Job done.”

Keep on Trussing on. We may have lost the football but look at what we’ve won!

VANISHING WITHOUT A TRACE (OR TRACK): Brexit bulldog Lord Frost is seeking a supremo to specify the huge quantity of Brexit Opportunities. A high quality candidate has already been identified. 

The candidate, who will be given an almost unlimited budget to track & trace Brexit Opportunities, is of course the government’s go-to fixer. Dido Harding is expected to be appointed any day now.

The Great British Brexit Opportunities have, up to now, been reluctant to show themselves. The self-inflicted gaping wound left by tearing the UK out of the EU is healing only slowly. 

Australia style deals to supply wombat eggs and kangaroo milk have not managed to replace our traditional supply chains. So now it is up to Dido the Destroyer to track and trace the true whereabouts of the Sunlit Uplands – and to deliver the mythical chimaera of Global Britain.

Assuming that Brexit is more important than public health, Harding’s budget is likely to be greatly in excess of the £37bn spaffed on covid tracking. In this case, Harding could rightly point to the first Brexit Opportunity – Knowing Matt Hancock’s Phone Number.

It is expected that further Opportunities in the same vein will come to light. They will be collected under the umbrella of Friends In High Places.

But there are many others. Shorting The Pound and Selling The NHS are just two of the great Opportunities to arise from Brexit.

These are short term Opportunities. The greater challenge will be to discover long term benefits. For this, Harding will use every ounce of cunning and every penny of her £37bn+ budget to disappear completely from view without delivering on her brief.

Thus will Lord Frost claim to have discharged his responsibilities. For it won’t be His Lordship’s fault if the corrupt and useless crony to whom he is outsourcing his job takes the money and runs. 

The greatest Brexit Opportunity of all is, of course, Being Dido Harding.

IN A FAR FLUNG FIELD IN KENT : The British Prime Minister Boris Johnson is expected to issue a formal COMPLAINT to Brussels later today over the betrayal of Brexitannia by EU truck drivers.

Once a stalwart of the U.K. haulage industry, the EU’s HGV drivers are increasingly stabbing the U.K. right in the front. The PM isn’t taking it.

“It’s a flagrant attempt to undermine the expressed will of the British public to allow Priti Patel to have at them and lock them up because she likes it,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “The PM is going to take personal control of the situation and delegate it to Gove.”

The bafflement is strong on this one. There’s been little to indicate that post-Brexit staffing the UK’s haulage sector would be a problem.

“Okay many in the sector did warn repeatedly there was a storm brewing thanks to Brexit,” the source does concede, “but we had to fulfil the expressed swill of the people. It’s a price we’re willing for British consumers to pay.”

It is a situation that seems likely to deteriorate before any improvement and shoppers should probably start stockpiling like there’s a toilet paper shortage now.

”Just cast your mind back to when we allowed the pandemic to rip again before Christmas and roughly 10,000 EU drivers were stuck in a sodden field in Kent? Did the Home Office intervene to stop local charities and religious groups feeding them? No. So what’s the problem? We’re a very welcoming country. Just ask Priti Patel. Just ask Nigel Farage. We have basically turned our governance into a mirror of his soul. Why should that dissuade anyone from coming here to prove their right to work or be locked in immigration detention like an Italian au pair?”

It is expected Brussels will intervene in the UK’s favour, even though we’ve spent years telling them to F off. Because we’re British.

“It’s going to get awfully boring just driving around the Continent. Talk about tedium. Those drivers will soon be back. After all, they need us more than we need them. And once we’ve finally trained up enough U.K. drivers we can tell the EU staff to F off. Again.”

WAKE UP AND SMELL THE ROSES : DOWNING STREET is reportedly so fed up with the “girly swots” in Brussels today that it is to issue a stern diplomatic rebuke.

The final straw appears to be EU leaders’ insistence that Mr Johnson keep his word. It’s believed that if they’ll believe that they’ll believe anything and “maybe we should try selling them a bridge on top of the NIP”.

As relations between the UK government and the largest trading bloc on Earth continue to deteriorate it’s believed that Mr Johnson is feeling “boxed in” like he is in some sort of “marriage or other”.

Why the EU expected any British political figure involved in delivering Brexit to honour their commitments is an ongoing source of puzzlement. It’s clear that people who would sell such a dramatic change to the UK voting public on the back of a barrel load of “horseshit, false promises and racism” should never be trusted by anyone. Especially the British public. More especially the European Union negotiators.

It’s thought the PM will write to Angela von der leyen personally using his special non-staining arts and crafts crayons and using some big words he’s read on the internet.

Further salt was rubbed into the UK wounds over recent days when Mr Biden also expressed the opinion that leaders should keep their promises.

“Boris is feeling really picked on,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He’s got Carrie indoors wanging on about the peeling wallpaper and Merkel on the blower droning endlessly about honour and words being bonds. Macron just smirking and whispering perfidious Albion in his ear before any photographs together, he’s fit to burst. It’s much harder to just throw off your security detail and enjoy the stress relief of a bunga bunga party when you’re prime minister. People need to think about his mental state and stop asking him to act with honour.”

It is hoped the personal communique will be understood properly in Brussels and they will finally stop treating the UK like a mature, representative democracy which values the international rules based order designed to stop the globe descended back into total conflict and horror.

“If they keep expecting Mr Johnson to honour his commitments they’re going to end up feeling like one of his wives,” the source added.

HAMMER AND TONG : The UK’s super league trade negotiator Liz Truss has got everyone right where she wants them. This goes for the Aussies too.

“They can’t bring sandpaper to this fight,” a DIT aide tells LCD Views. “We’ll frisk them upon entry. Liz has it all lined up. The way to both decrease our carbon footprint and crush the bloody Aussies is all in the mind.”

In the mind of Liz Truss. A sparkling palace with mirrored halls if ever there was one.

“The uncomfortable chair wheeze was just to soften him up. Let him know he’s now fighting to earn his place in the super league of global trade. We’ve got more though. Like a prize fighter Liz is going to keep hitting him till he’s on his knees.”

The next meeting will see further left hooks, upper cuts, right jabs and even a full nut.

“She’ll give him a hat with corks hanging off it next. That will completely baffle him as he’ll likely be looking to give her one. Then she’ll ask if he had a kangaroo as a pet growing up? And how come he hasn’t been eaten by a shark while playing golf?”

Once the Aussie guy is battered and bruised, desperate for a way out, then Liz will hit him square in the guts with a move that will see him agree to anything.

“Once he’s on the ropes that’s when she finishes him off by reading him a selection of her own poetry. Roses are red, violets are blue, but my flag is much bigger than you. That sort of stuff. Ring a ring a ring a rosie, a pocket full of how’s it going Sheila! It’s Bruce! That’s her more experimental work.”

Throw another shrimp on the barbie! Liz Truss is taking down the Aussies!

IT WASN’T US GUV HONEST : Downing Street has searched shallow and answered many pressing questions this week with reports based on investigations whose outcomes were in no way pre-determined.

“Clearly we’ve solved racism in the UK by making Boris Johnson prime minister,” a 10 Downing Street insider tells LCD Views. “The solution was to make it acceptable again. If a racist can become PM? What’s to stop any of you?”

And other pressing matters were also investigated. Such as the failure of the British fishing industry.

“Clearly the fishing industry has not suffered any reversals as a result of taking back control of British waters. Sovereignty is money in the bank. We all know that. But somebody, somewhere, did something. We had to find out.”

Find out they did it seems as the report on the British fishing industry’s current status, or Clusterfuck, as the report has been nicknamed, proves.

“It was the Germans,” the source explains. “We knew it was either them or the French even before we investigated. Open and shut case.”

Curious readers and observers of the UK will be keen to learn exactly how the Germans did it though.

“The summary of the report answers it. The rest of it is just padding. The Germans caused the collapse of British fishing because their car industry failed to turn up and sort Brexit. It’s just obvious.”

What to do now the cause is identified will be the next question in many minds.

“What to do? That’s also obvious. We just wait for the German car industry to acknowledge the error of its ways. Then it will turn up and sort it. We’re Global Britain. Everyone is banging down our doors. Just ask Liz Truss!”

What will be done while we wait?

“We’ll pay off the fishermen with taxpayers’ cash like we do for everything. Nothing some taxpayers’ cash can’t solve. Just ask the entirety of the parliamentary Tory Party!”

CAN WE STILL BLAME THE EU : Downing Street is set to flex its intellectual muscles against India after the later decided to prioritise its own citizens ahead of the people who civilised it.

“Bloody ungrateful” was heard flying about the seat of English global power, along with “and after all the tigers we shot for them too?”

Vaccine nationalism is the latest plague to strike the planet, along with darned clever science boffins inventing plague vaccines before anyone had time to scale up production for it.

“Quite why India thinks it can treat us like this is beyond me?” a baffled 10 Downing Street source commented. “Boris was going to send Modi a papier-mâché cricket bat he made too. A gesture of goodwill and all that. In advance of Liz Truss inviting him to take a weight off his mind and rejoin the British Empire.

There’s fears Queen Elizabeth II, or Empress of India, may have to get involved if the distant colony doesn’t do what’s best for Britain.

“Why can’t they follow our example and put Britain first? We basically civilised them and by the time we left, in short order they had three whole new, happy countries where once there was barely even one.”

Other countries limiting export of vaccinations to the U.K. does seem to be a theme and one that is causing no little amount of ill will.

“We gave them railways. What did they ever do for us?” the source wanted to know. “Just some shiny stones, a national cuisine, millions of men for our armed forces over centuries. This and that. We drew the lines on the maps! It’s a bit rum for them to now stop OUR vaccines from crossing them just to favour their own citizens.”

But all is not lost.

“We can still blame the EU. We will get the Mail, Express and Telegraph to claim India is about to join the trading bloc and this is just more spite intended to slow down the creation of Empire 2.0. Which by the way, India is still welcome to join. It would be a shot in the arm for them. No doubt about that. We could run their railways for them again. Just like we do at home.”