Category: Fully Sovereign Trading Nation

I LAUGHED AT US ONCE BUT I THINK I GOT AWAY WITH IT : 10 Downing Street has become alarmed over the increasing number of reports of British people laughing at German jokes about Brexit. So alarmed they have decided to do something about it, just as soon as the country’s ruling couple return from their latest holiday.

“Priti Patel is incensed too,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “She’s sent a Whatsapp to Johnson saying not to worry though because she’s going to have the Border Force turn off the internet of anyone in the UK laughing at themselves. Border Force will be employed to this end just until the new Patriotic Humour Force can be set up. They’re advertising for staff now. You’ll need to have a deeply myopic and fantastical concept of British history to join.”

But with various ministers jockeying behind the scenes to position themselves for a run at the top job it’s believed Mr Johnson himself will take command of the response, just as soon as he finishes his latest holiday. And before he goes on his next one.

“The PM is thinking of a three strikes and you’re out rule. Share a post on social media of a German TV show laughing at Brexit and you’ll lose internet access for life. Distribute a pamphlet with a print out of a similar event and you’ll be sentenced to fruit pick on a Tory donor’s soft fruit farm. Download a video onto your phone and you’ll have to re-wallpaper his home. He’s a famous liberal and free speech must be protected.”

Hopefully the measures will remind British people that there is nothing funny about Brexit.

“Brexit is deadly serious. It has turned us into a global laughing stock. But when you’re considering whether or not to eat the cat or dog first this winter, and whether or not the use the less desirable [taste wise] pet as cooking fuel, you’ll soon wipe that smile off your face.”

BUILD BACK BIGGER BILLS : THE UK’S CHANCELLOR Rishi “bootstrap” Sunak has proven again that he hasn’t lost the common touch he was born with by taking action on the alarming escalation of energy costs for UK households.

“The decision to sell off the UK’s gas storage sites and leave the EU common energy market because it has EU in its name has revolutionised the UK energy customers relationship with global dynamics,” a Treasury source told LCD Views. “Mr Sunak understands that some voters maybe mildly alarmed by a threefold increase in energy costs over the last week. He has taken action to correct this.”

The action appears to be in easier financing for bills.

“UK consumers won’t be without heating this winter if they simply apply for an energy market,” the source explains. “The free market will provide the loans at levels similar to student loan debt. It will be very affordable.”

The length of the mortgage terms will be relatable too.

“You can choose any length so long as the bank is happy you can pay it,” the source adds. “A twenty five year gas fuel mortgage will not add disproportionately to a household’s outgoings, especially when you consider the extra income that can be generated by taking your children out of school and sending them to work.”

Mr Johnson is said to be supportive of the scheme, but that is mostly because he has zero understanding of how the country used to function.

“Neither does Sunak,” the source shrugs. “As such they’re well placed to help Britons avoid freezing to death this winter. Maybe.”

The mortgages can be secured against any valuables that your extended family may possess too.

“We’ll be making your pensions accessible to heat your home. If you can’t afford the repayments on your gas mortgage you won’t have to worry about paying the mortgage in retirement as you’ll be in the workhouse.”

We couldn’t have revolutionised the energy market in the UK if it wasn’t for Brexit.

DON’T STOP MOVING : Downing Street have gotten Brexit, Pandemic and Afghanistan done in classic Johnson style and now they’re moving onto the food supply crisis.

A raft of measures are being considered, and some dinghies, punts and inflatables too. First and foremost will be making sure heavy goods vehicle drivers know what is expected of them.

“They have to stop eating their own supply,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “We all know that’s when everything goes south. Some of us from first hand experience as witnesses.”

The ability of drivers to consume the stock they’re carrying has been “the rising damp of the supply chain crisis” and new laws sill criminalise it. It’s imagined that fully 50% of a delivery of any food stuff is eaten by a driver in transit. The supply crisis has nothing to do with Brexit.

“HGV drivers need to view their occupation like that of a monk. It’s a spiritual calling and the appetites of the body have to be ignored to raise their driving vibrations. This will mean more food in U.K. shops.”

But it won’t be all stick and no carrot. Education will be part of the new messaging.

“We spent five years telling a 100,000 truckers to go home. We don’t want you here. They got that message. I’m sure we can now give them a different message. It’s because we went to Eton. The innate ability to govern lesser men gives us a keen insight.”

But for those who don’t listen the penalties for snacking on food in transit will be extreme.

“If you can’t resist opening up the cargo hold and taking a bite of that apple or orange before it turns to mash at an inland customs facility you’ll find yourself deported. It’s a virtuous circle approach. Because then we’ll ask you to come back.”

British born drivers will also be deported across the Channel. Just the possibility of that is expected to see tens of thousands of ordinary Brits volunteering to drive trucks immediately.

PRIZE TURKEY : The United Kingdom’s last Prime Minister Boris Johnson has something of an unearned reputation for always leaving crucial decisions to past the last minute, normally because of the convoluted nature of his personal life and its drain on his attention.

Happily for Brits already wondering what Christmas 2021 will be like, the Prime Minister is out in front on the issue with a plan to “Save Christmas”.

The plan itself is not just a warmed up reheat of last year’s nonsense, but is truly inspirational and world leading.

“We’re going to save Christmas 2021,” he will tell the nation later today via a video call. “Industry leaders such as the Brexit backing chap who inherited his father’s frozen food business, but not the acumen to understand how it functioned, are saying Christmas is doomed! Well the naysayers won’t have the last laugh! British exceptionalism has gotten us this far, hasn’t it? Where to next? To Christmas and beyond!”

The PM will then outline his plan involving irrelevant references to the classics and some ruffling of his hair.

“Christmas 2021 will happen. Nothing can stop it. Not the expected worsening of the pandemic once schools return, not the fact we can’t actually move what food we have around the country, thanks to Brexit. Not the fact that we may not even have the food to move around even if we have the workforce to move it around, thanks to Brexit. Christmas 2021 will be solved. I mean saved. I have taken personal control of it.”

The details of the PM’s plan are still somewhat sketchy, but there is no shortage of belief.

“I would encourage everyone to have their Christmas early, so there’s sufficient Christmas for December,” the PM will urge. “And we are drawing up plans for a lengthy transition period to occur between the 24th and 25th of December, with the 25th of December 2021 potentially occurring sometime in 2025.”

STRONG AND STABLE SHORTAGES : Welcome relief for people today who are bored of staring at the widening gaps in supermarkets across the United Kingdom with remedial action being taken by the Executive.

Clearly one way to deal with the supply side crisis is to reverse the changes to immigration laws that ended Freedom of Movement for good. But that would rob the mighty British public of the amazing victory of no longer being able to easily live, work, study, settle, love and holiday across the entirety of the EU, while stoping the EU27 citizens from coming over here and stealing our classic British summer.

What point a stable food supply when it means that a highly educated Continental can just waltz over here and increase our economic output?

“Obviously Brexit was always going to need a bit of the old Blitz Spirit to make a success of it,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “This is why we spent so much time in 2016 and after pointing out it won’t all be plain sailing as we seize the advantages of Liz Truss pretending to do trade deals. So now we’re into the business end of Brexit.”

And the business end of Brexit means finding ways to alleviate a crisis in food supply.

“We’ve already added compounds to the water supply to make enough people believe Brexit is fantastic,” the source explains. “That’s why a tiny percentage voted to do it in a non-binding opinion poll. But now we need to step up that strategy to keep Brits fed. If you’re water tastes a bit funny after today it’s because the Vegemite shipments Liz Truss has secured from Australia have been added to your water to keep you full of Vitamin B!”

Brexit Britain. Lean. Mean. Hungry. Just the way we like it.

ARE THE CHICKENS STILL ROOSTING CLARICE : An entity claiming to be God has been doing the media rounds this morning to defend itself against accusations from Downing Street that it is taking the piss out of Britain.

The cosmic being, who has been described as a “bit scruffy with a whiff of watery wine about him” surprised the UK’s commentariat when he interrupted their standard spin and BS sessions this morning to give his statement.

“I’m not laughing at Brexit,” it asserted, barely managing to get the words out through fits of giggles. “The decision to make the first Brexit chicken coming home to roost a lack of actual chicken was just luck of the draw. I mean, why would I take time out of my busy schedule to do something like that? I’ve earthquakes to cause. Famines to oversee. Novel viruses to create. The prayers of small children to ignore. I’m a busy guy. And I’ve got a holiday booked in Crete.”

In spite of the being’s denials it is just messing with us many appear to believe it’s not being entirely truthful.

“Wouldn’t you make the first actual story that the UK press has to admit is a consequence of Brexit something more serious?” one God watcher wondered. “Like a lack of gold wallpaper? Something that would strike at the heart of power in the United Kingdom. Chicken supply chain issues are just a weird choice. The entity claiming to be God is teasing us.”

When pressed for solutions to the crisis the entity claiming to be God just shrugged and said, “I maybe stuck firmly in BCE but you can always rejoin the 21st century and realign your trade and immigration laws with half a billion people a few miles away. Or you can carry on like twats and wait for my next joke. I mean, consequence.”

Downing Street is expected to respond to the appearance of the deity later, after it has disappeared and it’s too late to engage meaningfully.

BETRAYED BY BMW : Where were the GERMAN CARMAKERS when we needed them? Where are they now when ACTION is needed? These are the questions that ring in the great offices of state today as an internal Downing Street inquiry gets to the bottom of who is to BLAME for the Nando store closures.

As the UK was rocked by the shuttering of dozens of the major franchises outlets, except in NI (and the Republic of Ireland), pressure was building on the Prime Minister to find out who was sabotaging the availability of piri-piri chicken.

“They’ve stabbed us in the front,” a 10 Downing Street HOT SAUCE told LCD Views. “Just walked right up and stuck the chiv in. It’s like living in a scene from a prison drama and the UK is Alcatraz. Or it will be if the Home Secretary has her way.”

The BETRAYAL is no more keenly felt than in the brain of David Davis who reassured his fellow Britons that there was nothing to fear from the Brexit project. It would all be alright on the night as the German carmakers had too much to lose. Those stubborn CONTINENTALS would BOW TO BRITAIN in the end. Only they didn’t.

“Neither did the French prosecco makers or the Italian cheesemakers,” the bubbling sauce steams. “The list of people attempting to UNDERMINE Brexit is SHOCKING.”

But even though Britain now knows who to BLAME that isn’t going to help Nando’s.

“Who is next? KFC? Cottage Chicken? Rooster Piri-Piri? The entire basis of the British food chain now stands at risk because the GERMAN CARMAKERS were too selfish to SAVE BREXIT.”

Although there is one bright light on the horizon. TRADE SUPERSTAR LIZ TRUSS has been alerted to a planet entirely made of chicken and will soon be dispatched in a UNION FLAG SPACESHIP to cut a deal that will see chickens flood back into Britain.

“She just has to wait for the EU to finish negotiating one first,” the source beams. “So she can copy it.”

ENGLAND’S A GARDEN : Prime Minister Boris Johnson is to set out plans later today to deal with the worsening food supply crisis in what will be welcome relief for voters from the Afghan crisis.

“Let me be clear there is no intention to unwind recent immigration law changes,” he will tell a grateful nation. “The Home Secretary’s victory of ending Freedom of Movement from the Continent is secure. It is a beach head for a new Britain. A leaner. Meaner. More self-sufficient Britain that all can take pride in. Like Theseus in a wool shop searching for the exact weave to navigate the Minotaur’s Maze, Global Britons will choose the right packet of seeds. The maiden of a good meal will be taken out of the dark and gazed at it in the candlelight at dinner.”

The plan in essence appears to be an exhilarating revival of the classic ‘Dig for Britain’ scheme of WW2. This has been much mentioned as the sunlit uplands of Brexit were approached and now it’s time. Britons will grow their own food and save themselves from “the tedium of supermarket outings with screaming toddlers” and “inflationary forces.”

Britons are expected to top the league tables of savings on food spending over the coming months as the tangible benefits of Brexit begin to come home “to roost”, unlike the actual chickens. This is to be especially pointed in lessening heavy goods vehicle traffic on our roads and less money wasted on groceries.

“We will deal with the new food chain in the traditional way for peasants. You will grow your own,” he will exhort. “Just imagine the pride of navigating through a damp summer and producing blight free tomatoes! You will handle the empty shelves as we have handled the pandemic. You’ll learn to live with it. You will take personal responsibility for the supply crisis!”

The exciting speech will be delivered before a twelve course lunch to which “only Tory donors have been invited”.

FULL MENTAL JACKET : Alarming reports today that the already understaffed British Defence Forces are suffering from a staffing crisis that is preventing them performing their usual functions, such as being sent in to solve problems caused by Boris Johnson. Also the pingdemic, but that’s arguably also the fault of Boris Johnson.

Although it’s also crystal clear that Brussels is mostly to blame, but of course it’s the British who have to pick up the pieces. Luckily we have the armed forces to fulfil roles that would not normally be undertaken by the military of an industrialised country in peacetime.

No one should be in any doubt that we are still a perfectly normal, functioning representative democracy and not a cautionary tale of what happens when you let hard right think tanks decide your future.

“It was incredibly underhand of Brussels not to force us to train up the domestic work force to fill the gaps that would be created by Brexit,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “They failed to prepare the UK for Brexit and now look at the state of it? It is essentially sabotage and explains why Mr Johnson was right not to extend the transition period.”

While it’s obvious that the blame for the lack of HGV drivers, builders, hospitality workers and now even Cornish ambulance drivers can be placed squarely at the feet of Macron and Merkel we still have to find the solution to the crisis they created.

“The army is the trusted go to solution for the empire fetishists in government,” the source explains. “We are confident that the staffing problems in the armed forces caused by many of them being tasked with delivering groceries can be sorted by sending the army in to sort out the army staffing crisis.”

ALL TRUSSED UP : The United Kingdom’s Prime Minister Liz Truss is said to be furious with the European Union’s decision to emblazon the Flag of Europe on emergency food relief parcels currently being flown into panic stricken regions of the U.K.

To add insult to injury it is not even British pilots flying in the much needed food (and other consumables) due to the U.K. decision to snub the EU Aviation Agency to “make a greater success of Brexit.”

“Imagine our supplies of humble pie being delivered by a Frenchman?” an aide to the UK’s new Prime Minister asked LCD Views. “Former Prime Minister Johnson would not have stood for it. If only we knew where he’s gone into hiding.”

But while the decision to accept the urgent relief from Brussels has the support of the cabinet, it’s said Ms Truss is livid at the flag issue.

“Who seeks to wave their flag in people’s faces in a time of crisis? It’s not British. Typical. We did demand that they print the Union Flag on the crates but they said no. Pity. That would have been a morale booster in both the Shires and the Red Wall.”

There are plans though to establish a nimble team who can intercept the parachuted crates as they land and plaster a Union Flag on top of the blue and gold one.

“We sold our contemporary radar systems to some Russian chaps while Dom Cummings was running the country, but it’s not a problem spotting incoming aircraft. We will just set the old WW2 system back up along the coast. The convoys of planes are so large the blobs will pop up on the screens nicely. Then we can scramble the teams to intercept before the hungry locals get there and cover over the EU flags with Great British patriotism. It has the making of a Dunkirk level of victory.”

The decision to accept the relief will buy PM Truss time though to sort out the branding on the supplies.

“We’re their closest and largest recipient of emergency food supplies, they need us more than we need them. They’ll soon see sense and paint the Union Flags on for future airdrops.”