Category: Fully Sovereign Trading Nation

YOU PAYS YOUR MONEY AND YOU TAKES YOUR CHANCES : The UK’s trailblazing Business Secretary has today announced she’s not content to let the ever expanding field of NHS waiting lists go untilled.

”Just think,” she said, in what critics said was more evidence of her shouting at people to do what she says, but not what she herself does, “if we hadn’t have left the EU you could neither dine outside on the pavement in our car centred towns and cities, and you’d have to wait to see an actual doctor. Well, who’s laughing now?”

Take that Brussels!

”As part of our ever growing list of freedoms, now that we’re free of EU red tape, you can not only enjoy greater fun examining your tap water under a microscope, you can now enjoy a plethora of hitherto outlawed options to treat yourself. In. The. COMFORT. Of. Your. Own. home.”

The Secretary went on to explain that outdated rules prohibiting the sale of snake oil are to be torn up.

”I admit this may fuel some health tourism to the UK,” she admitted, “as eager foreigners rush to take advantage of a simple bottled remedy to treat even the most complex of ailments.”

The EU itself has so far refused to publicly comment on the sale of snake oil within the UK’s borders, although both Gibraltar and Northern Ireland won’t be enjoying the sunlit uplands of health care diversity.

However a source in Brussels did speak to us off the record, saying “Snake Oil? That’s Brexit for you.” We are attempting to have the comment translated in order to understand what the hell he means.

BACK TO THE FUTURE, PART FIFTEENTY HUNDRED AND ELEVENTEEN: The measure of a man is his yardstick. In the case of Boris Johnson, give him 2.54 centimetres, and he will take a lot more than 1.6 kilometres. 

Johnson, predictably, is bullish about the change. He was never one to hide his light under 36.37 litres. 

“People love the old system,” gibbered Johnson in his usual hi-viz jacket, while disrupting one of the few production lines left in the UK. “Everybody loves the Imperial Jackboot. I mean, measures, I mean, erm, yes, no, vaccines, it’s right that we should move on and concentrate on what matters to the public. Crowns on glasses! Half crowns in pockets!” 

Suddenly those quaint old conversion charts from the fifties are selling for huge sums. How many stone to the hundredweight, how many pecks to the bushel, how many inches to the Rod, Jane and Freddy. 

“In for a penny, in for 240d,” remarked Mark Upp, newly created Head of the Brexit Business Cheerleaders (BBC). “The old measures, or should I say the new measures, are not difficult to 1.83 metres. All it means is that England will now be in a 5.6 kilometres of its own.” 

Equally predictably, the Minister for the Early Victorian Period, Jacob Rees-Mogg, put his 30.48 centimetres in it. “People don’t care about fluff like the cost of living,” he said, weighing each sanctimonious syllable carefully, as if on scales calibrated in scruples. “We are putting the Great back into Britain! Sovereignty means bringing back the gold sovereign, the great British 454 grams!” 

Another minister in favour of reintroducing old money was Artificial Stimulants Minister, Michael Gove. “I’m all in favour of the old LSD,” he remarked in a silly voice, pulling faces as he did so. “Groovy man, far out! The sky is melting… wow, cosmic baby… you should try some, it’s seriously good shit…” 

Although he might have been slightly 6.35kg-ed.

PUT YOUR MOUTH WHERE YOUR MONEY IS: Putin is about to invade Ukraine. So the great statesman, Boris Johnson, is getting a bit cross, and is sanctioning all the Russian banks. Well, the ones that stupidly didn’t bribe him not to. 

As a result, five insignificant Russian rouble counters, and three Russian billionaires with a conscience, will suffer the bluster and disapproval of a former great ally which has decided to enfeeble itself in the name of sovereignty. Early reports suggest that they are deeply, profoundly unconcerned. 

The rest of the bribey Russians have been told, secretly, to get their precious funds somewhere safe and neutral. Many are now masquerading as Nigerian princes. In this matter, they will be advised, indeed led, by British experts in money hoarding like the redoubtable Jacob Rees-Mogg. 

In a time of international crisis, the most important thing is to protect the Conservative Party. The thread of over-privileged underworked English entitlement that holds the country together will not be unravelled by a tin-pot Trumped-up dictator behaving badly half way around the globe. 

Boris Johnson, whose talk is as big as his effectiveness is low, is running scared. “I am the, erm, yes, no, well, wiff waff, right, left, erm, right man for the job,” he declared in the House. “What has Labour ever done, except whinge on and on, because I’ve got a Russian name? Keir isn’t English, it’s Scottish, he’s a tartan traitor!” Johnson’s job, of course, is to conceal the outrageous Russian influence over British foreign policy. 

Rumour has it that Johnson is not taking a harder line because Carrie won’t let him. It’s as if her future depends upon being able to manipulate Johnson into the weakest possible position, so that she can continue to be the conduit for Putin’s Prime Ministerial puppetry. 

And the London Laundromat must keep on churning to stop the whole sordid tale from emerging. 

FALLING OFF A CLIFF EDGE: The ultimate protection against migrants has been created by Priti Patel. In a scheme described as “daring and fabulously creative”, the famous White Cliffs of Dover will be extended to form a protective ring around the country.

As usual, anyone pointing out the obvious flaws will be denounced as unpatriotic and hating their country. This self-evident truth was demonstrated by Patel herself in an off-the-record briefing.

“Ms Patel, the logistics alone don’t bear thinking about!” exclaimed a weary sounding official. “There’s no way we can move that amount of chalk, the rivers would have nowhere to go, all our ports would close, seaside holidays would be a thing of the past, it would cost an absolute bomb, and it wouldn’t work anyway!”

“Off with his head!” shrieked Patel. “Treason, that’s what it is! Not believin’ in Britain! NOBODY contradicts The Prittster! Your head will be hangin’ from the gallows first thing in the mornin’!”

The Home Office managed to put out a slightly less deranged statement. “Extending the iconic White Cliffs is part of a grand project to make the UK as unwelcoming as possible,” explained Home Office ghoul Ade Cutts. “Nobody can scale those cliffs, and if those cliffs surrounded England, nobody would be able to get in. That would make the smelly oiks crossing the Channel in search of freebies think twice. It’s that simple!”

Hundreds of consultancies with links to Tory MPs were instantly queueing up to tell Patel what a great idea it was, pocket exorbitant fees, then advise her to quietly abandon the project on cost grounds. It is just another idiotic scheme like a Boris Bridge, after all, and the only reason it gets past the censors is that Tory chums get to cream off huge amounts of public money.

Patel can build her wall, and make the EU pay for it. Good luck with that.

INVESTING IN THE GRASS ROOTS: Building Back Better is going to need a lot of concrete. Luckily we now know that it grows on trees, so plenty of money will be spaffed on sympathetic concrete farmers. 

Crime Minister Boris Johnson hopes this will boost his green credentials. “Sand, Cement, Stone!” is his latest pathetic three word slogan. 

“Britain will become self sufficient in concrete!” Johnson announced proudly at the COP26 summit. “Much of the UK will be given over to growing the raw materials of the future! It is the ultimate renewable substance! In your face, Greta Thunberg! Wiff waff!” 

This shock announcement left his audience gasping. Johnson’s supporters, including chief propagandist Cora Lunesberg, reached a state of spontaneous rapture. The rest of the unenlightened, probably foreign and stuck in boring reality, couldn’t believe their ears. 

“This plant, which has only recently been discovered, only exists because we left the EU!” Johnson wibbled. “Yes! No! Yes! Well well well well yes! It’s called… erm erm erm… wiff waff… oh sod it, I’ll make something up… Michaelis Grahamii! It thrives on hot air and bullshit!” 

Gleeful reporters for all the major UK newspapers, in other words the ones who are paid by the same people who bought Boris, churned out thousands of triumphant headlines. 

“But we must all take responsibility – I think that’s what it’s called – for climate change,” Johnson continued, acting sombre. “If nothing is done, there will be shortages of food and water, just like in the UK! So follow my lead and do nothing! Let the bodies pile high in their thousands, and then be fed to wild animals! Wiff waff!” 

The British continent melted out of pure joy. Everyone else left the room, and made sure to lock the door behind them. 

At last. Brexit Britain finally has a concrete proposal. 

Most of 2021 has seen parts of the country afflicted by sporadic, worsening and most of all baffling shortages of food stuffs on supermarket shelves. Although luckily for the Executive if you’re still a committed Brexiter or Lexiter you’re visually incapable of seeing the gaps. And even if you do see them you’ll be able to explain them away with magic. So it’s not yet as bad as it could be.

“We still had to act quickly on the supply side issues,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “The decision to shroud empty shelves in cardboard cutouts of food was a revolution in the shopping habits of Britons. Clearly if we can produce images of food the food will follow as what did we photograph in the first place to make the cutouts? There is nothing to worry about, except perhaps a waistline that is slimmer than your target.”

Happily the technology deployed against the faltering post-Brexit supply chains can also be used to deal with environmental disaster.

“The pumping of billions of gallons of untreated human waste into English rivers, streams, lakes and the sea could have been a disaster if we had a less nimble government,” the source explains. “Can you imagine the potential damage to shareholder profits if an insane PM was in power? One who said to private water companies you’ve taken £51 billion or so in profits and done bugger all to sort out the aged infrastructure? Fix it. Calamity would have followed. Committed water utility owners would likely have exited the market and moved straight into PPE. Which between you and me is still an attractive sector as it doesn’t rely on importing purification chemicals from the EU. Unlike water.”

It is hoped none of the water utilities will jump shit, but to ensure they stay seated the government has engaged local councils.

“Any seaside council now has to adorn the beachfront with giant posters of a clean beach. One that isn’t polluted with Brexshits. It’s a total boom for the events and advertising, graphic design and haulage industry. Just one of the many examples of how innovation is driven by Brexit.”

CAKE AND EAT IT : Downing Street is reported to be on a WAR FOOTING today after the TYRANNICAL EU told U.K. Prime Minister Boris Johnson that he will not be allowed to take HIS TURN as EU council president.

“The current presidency of the EU is held by Germany, Slovenia and some other place,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “We all know it operates as a trio since the imposition of the Lisbon tyranny. It chairs meetings and other boring stuff and tries to all get along. Brexit shouldn’t mean the U.K. is no longer involved. We’ve left the EU. We haven’t left Europe. It’s just punishing us for Brexit.”

No lesser powerhouse than Lord Frost is expected to demand the U.K. still takes its turns with the Presidency and any other outcome will be unacceptable. It’s believed he will call on the ghost of past politicians to reinforce the British claim to control Europe.

“The EU is playing with fire by blocking U.K. involvement in its ruling structures,” the source goes on. “It just shows they don’t understand Brexit and have not yet reconciled themselves to it. If they don’t watch out we will force all EU truck drivers to take the Life in the U.K. test before being issued temporary visas to work in the U.K. We hold all the cards and Brussels knows it!”

How the EU will respond to Downing Street’s reasonable request to chair its governing structures is not yet clear, but Downing Street are confident that carrying on like a madman will get it concessions. Brexit shouldn’t mean loss of access for the U.K. as “we are too big a market for German carmakers.”

“Look what we’ve achieved so far?” the source comments. “Everyone is talking about Boris and that is exactly the way he likes it. We will have our hake and eat it.”

The source later clarified their comment to “cake and eat it” because for some curious reason everyone is now wary of eating hake from sovereign British waters.

GREAT BRITISH HEATING : THOSE LAZY GERMAN CARMAKERS CAN FORGET saving Britons from the self-inflicted harm of Brexit now that we are a fully independent, sovereign, globally trading nation. Self-dependence is now our watchword and nobody likes cars anymore. And it’s not because we can’t get petrol.

While the mainstream media has been filling the front pages with unpatriotic scare stories about rising heating and energy costs Brits have been using the Blitz Spirit to show we don’t need any French electricity or Dutch gas.

“The woods are a hive of activity,” the BBC reports, “as plucky Brits thumb their noses at the boring busybodies in Brussels and find the fuel they need to survive the first proper Brexit winter.”

It’s well known that the extensive commons and forests of this MIGHTY ISLAND NATION have all that is needed to live without imports of food and energy.

“We will be broadcasting live throughout autumn and winter as the GREAT BRITISH FORAGE begins,” the BBC trumpets. “Mr Johnson himself will watch the action live with a glass of his favourite French wine in a chateau before a roaring blaze. Cheering on the patriots as they fight over the last twigs in the green spaces of our ALL CONQUERING COUNTRY.”

Still it’s not all Tudor roses as a group of Tory backbench MPs have set up the Fuel Research Group to study how best to use flint to start a fire.

“We will have to look at raising the VAT on foraged wood and dry moss. Especially on horse hoof fungus,” a representative of the FRG tells LCD Views. “We must ensure supply meets demand and demand is managed. And don’t forget the NHS will need the moss for use as bandages when the collapse of civil society leads to cannibalism.”

It’s guaranteed that EU27 energy supplies will feel the burn as the MIGHTY BRITISH LION sets its mane ablaze and runs back and forth along the WHITE CLIFFS OF DOVER roaring at France.

“Nobody likes us and we don’t care!” the FRG representative adds. “We survived thousands of years on scavenged wood and badly bbq’d meat and we will do so again. This is just another tangible benefit of Brexit that we could not enjoy if we hadn’t of left Europe!”

COUGH ONCE FOR YES : DOWNING STREET has launched a wide ranging inquiry to find a new national holiday. The search for a more relevant communal festival is said to have been inspired by how difficult it now is to “save Christmas and all the other outdated guff we used to celebrate”.

The inquiry will be chaired by a random associate of the PM and his wife who will be paid £500 per hour to look for the “right answers for modern Great Britain”. But while a chum will be receiving taxpayer cash to come up with the answers, the public is expected to do the actual coming up with the answers.

But critics of the inquiry have said it is just another excuse to “hang bunting over the growing mountain of pandemic dead” and “distract from the catastrophic failure to secure our trading relationships with the broader world”.

10 Downing Street are having none of that and said “no one could have predicted that getting Brexit done in the middle of a global crisis would lead to a greater crisis”. The new holiday will allow Britons to “celebrate themselves in a way no one else is prepared to anymore” and “we should all get behind it or risk being barred from basic public services”.

The inquiry will hit the ground running too as there are several ideas already in circulation.

“Great British Canary in a Coal Mine Day” is thought to be top of the list because “the canary is already dead but we’re going to keep on digging”.

To ensure the holiday is a success the government is striving to run as many small and medium sized businesses “to the wall” in advance of it, so everyone has the day off and no one has an excuse “not to celebrate Mr Johnson’s achievements in office”.

BLOODY COLONIALS : THE UK’S NEXT PRIME MINISTER LIZ TRUSS is said to be “baffled”, “blindsided” and “taking comfort in cheese exports to Devon” today after the Australian trade enjoy walked away from talks that she began as the UK’s world beating trade negotiator. This was before her rise to Foreign Secretary, a post she is now imbuing with the same degree of baffled detachment her predecessor did. You remember him, it was the Man Who Discovered Dover (he had to leave to destroy the Human Rights Act. Good Tory. Good good Tory).

“Liz isn’t sure what to make of the mess Anne-Marie Trevelyan is making of all her success,” an insider in Ms Truss’s office told LCD Views. “I mean how hard is it to take the EU trade deals that Liz photocopied and get some white out out and paint over any cracks? It’s a shambles. If she wasn’t so busy arguing with Raab over their 114 room grace and favour mansion she’d get a gang of UC recipients together and go back to her old office and make hell.”

The failure to conclude the Aussie deal is especially worrying as Brits had been expected to replace food with TimTams this winter.

“If people can’t roast a jar of Vegemite in place of a turkey there’s going to be a dip in the polls,” the insider frets. “If I was Johnson I would fire that clown Trevelyan and give Liz the brief of Secretary of State for International Trade. She can easily add that to her portfolio as she does sweet f all about the two briefs she currently holds. What’s a third?”

We did seek comment from the Australians as to what went wrong but they just laughed, and then kept laughing.

“It’s alright cobber! Your entire house of cards is on fire. Let’s pick up the talks when you’re suppressing food riots. Bloody poms. Crikey!”

At least that’s what we think they said when they weren’t shrugging and whispering “Biden told us to pull the plug as a warning for stuffing around the Irish.”