Category: Entertainment special

Bravely bold Sir Boris

Rode forth from Westminster.

Not afraid to do or die,

Oh brave Sir Boris.

He was not at all afraid

To explain his nasty ways.

Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Boris.

He was not in the least bit scared

To be rigorously quizzed.

Or to have his lies called out,

And his image broken.

To have his country split

And his party burned away,

And his manifesto mangled

Brave Sir Boris.

His Brexit done

And his ladies laid

And his liver lillied

And his belly yellow

And his nose grown long

And his pants on fire

And his Johnson…

“Don’t look at that photo of the boy sleeping on the coats, there’s dirty work afoot.”

Brave Sir Boris ran away.

Bravely ran away away.

He ran away from Sophy Ridge

He hid inside a great big fridge

He ran away from Andrew Neil

And wouldn’t defend Theresa’s deal

He wouldn’t go on Channel Four

Instead ice melted on the floor

Bravest of the brave, Sir Boris!

STOCKING FEELER : Great news for people wondering what to buy loved ones of all ages this year for Christmas. Now you can stop worrying and get ready to purchase a unique present.

“F*ck off Boris!” is set for release in time for the festive season shopping madness. We spoke to ‘Repressed Intelligence Productions’, the team behind ‘F*ck off Boris!’, to learn more.

“It’s true the outgoing Prime Minister spends a large portion of his time in private with just any old blonde he can get his hands on and a laptop,” Acuri Cindrome, lead editor on the project told LCD Views, “but now and then he decides he’s had enough technology lessons and goes outside for a walk amongst the great unwashed. That’s when the magic happens.”

And the magic is members of the public telling the one man, blonde, boy band of British politics to f*ck off?

“That’s right. Any town or village you like, when the festering barrel of spunk that is Bojo rolls into the main square someone tells him to f*ck off. It’s great entertainment. The sort of thing you can watch again and again with the entire family.

“Just today, during his belated visit to the non-emergency floods in Yorkshire, fully 50% of the people he’s come close to on the drowned street, or interrupted having a well earned cuppa, have told him to F Off! And why wouldn’t you, if you had the chance? I know I would.”

The compilation was initially planned as a one off, season’s greetings special, but Cindrome suspects it’s the beginning of a series focused entirely on Mr Johnson’s famous popular appeal.

“I suspect by the time the GE campaign is over we will have more than enough material for ‘F*ck off Boris!’ sequels. We’ve already got the names. ‘You there! Keeping f*cking off!’ and ‘When you finish f*cking off, f*ck off some more!’, so on and so forth like this. Completely relatable.”

The compilation will be available to download, or purchase as a DVD, Stingray and even in VHS format, to symbolise the regression happening in the UK under Boris ‘F Off’ Johnson.

“We’re doing a vinyl edition of just the words and sounds of people telling Boris where to go. Perfect for when you need a pick me up, or if you just want to practice some mindfulness while you wait for Boris to come to a street near you.”

If he does, you know what to say! Say it loud enough and you just might find yourself featuring in a ‘F*ck off Boris!’ sequel.

WHERE DEMOCRACY STRUGGLES TO SURVIVE : GREAT NEWS for fans of reality television with the announcement from Trump Towers Istanbul that global megasuperstar, President Donald Trump, is to host a one off reality TV series to see out 2019.

‘UK General Election 2019’ will be broadcast on all major channels, but definitely not on any loser channels, as the UK’s politicians struggle to make it through to the final round and be crowned winner.

Each week’s show will be themed with such old time favourites such as ‘Foreign Influence – Who’s Pocket Is Your Government In?’, ‘Lies, Damned Lies and Statistics’, ‘NHS – Deal or No Deal?’, ‘Brexiter v Lexiter’ and everyone’s favourite, ‘Who is Boris boofing this week?’.

Competitors will be eliminated through the five week contest, with only one standing to be crowned PM in the series finale on December 12th. This will save the country the agonising wait which the outdated tradition of counting individual citizen’s ballots involves.

“The show will also have exciting subplots,” our Entertainment Specialist reveals, “How long will Nigel and Boris fight before kissing and making up? Special Advisor Face Off – Who is the most like Machiavelli? Seumas or Dom? How many seats can Labour and the Lib Dems hand to the Tories with their endless handbagging of one another? And other exciting storylines that will be improvised throughout the weeks as the reaction to the previous week’s show is digested by the producers.”

There’s a variety of possibilities for the final show too, when the winner is crowned by Donnie.

“If Boris becomes PM again, with a majority sufficient to pass his WAB into law, then that’s it for UK parliamentary democracy, as anyone who’s familiar with even the vaguest details of this ‘Henry VIII powers’ act can tell you.”

But maybe younger voters, those wildcards, and the stubborn refusal of the smaller parties to lie down in a ditch and die, will see the crown withheld as tactical voting and local electoral pacts may just be sufficient to see the UK’s next parliament hung even more heavily than the last.

“If that happens they’ll be displaying a picture of a bull’s testes and the show will be commissioned for a second series,” our specialist says, “although Donnie won’t be hosting that one, as he will be well into filming his personal biopic, ‘Impeachment’.”

UK GE 2019 – Democracy is not what it seems. Especially not when 10 Downing Street is suppressing the release of a report on foreign interference in UK elections on the eve of an election…

Gordon Ramsay has asked fans to use the pronouns “urg/ugh” and not “he/him” after coming out as a “real-man”.

The celebrity chef wrote last week on Twitter, “for my entire life I’ve been a real-man trapped within the label of a modern, metrosexual, male-pansy. I have never felt represented by the pronouns ‘he’ and ‘him’ as they are mostly used by blokes who are, compared to me, frankly complete pussies”.

Ramsay explained ugh decision came about upon hearing some prominent public figures were identifying as “non-binary” and were asking for pronouns that reflected more a specific identity.

On the alpha testosterone podcast ‘Real Men’s Muscle’ reality star Rammo mused, “it seems to me if people can identify somewhere in between the two normally understood genders then there must also be some extra territory that lies beyond the imagined end point we call ’male’: ‘ultra-male’, ‘mega-male’, ‘super-male’, male-plus’ if you like. That’s where I am”.

Urg added, “look, when you shave with an axe and aren’t afraid of swearing at women you just feel that bit more male than all the other wet fannies out there that call themselves men.”

It is rumoured that Bear Grylls, Sylvester Stallone and Ross Kemp are considering following suit. Although it maybe hard to know when Mr Stallone has made the change as the new pronouns will reflect all his known speech.

STONE COLD SILENCE : The governing committee of the Oscars have announced a new award to be handed out at the 2020 ceremony.

Le Blank.

The award is the first time the famous gong show has ventured into the political arena, although certainly not the first time actors have done so. And of course everyone knows politicians are mostly just actors anyway.

“It’s time to recognise the extreme lengths serious world leaders are going to to keep a straight face faced with the prize, populist arsehats proliferating on the world’s political stage,” committee organise Mrs J Udge told LCD Views, “you think you’ve seen strong acting by Walken, De Niro, those nice British chaps, Olivia who plays Queens really well, but you haven’t seen anything until you’ve watched a serious, principled politician sit through an hour of Trump without bursting out laughing, or crying, or crying and laughing.”

But controversy has inevitably engulfed the new category right at its inception. Acting critics are already debating if keeping a straight face, or le blank, while Boris or Trump speak is a feat of Stanislavsky or method? Even if they should be rewarded for not publicly reacting in the first place?

“There’s some debate over who should even qualify to begin with,” Mrs J Udge added, “we’ve all seen Macron and Merkel nod politely to Boris Johnson before bursting out laughing as soon as his back is turned. But it’s not what happens after the great director called history shouts ‘cut!’ that matters. It’s the stifling of the surge of irritation and scorn in the moment that counts.”

Donald Tusk is also thought to be pre-excluded on the basis of his tell tale smirk.

“If need be we’ll focus on domestic politics in the UK and USA. Keir Starmer has nodded along to ‘jobs first Brexit’ and other guff for years without letting the obvious, damned hysteria inside him out. It’s no mean feat to play your part as a leading politician from a technically left wing party that has been giving a hard right agenda like Brexit a moral stamp of approval by pretending it’s somehow feasible without smashing the very people you’re supposed to be protecting.”

And of course Amber Rudd and Nicky Morgan are red hot favourites for hypocritically somersaulting while not smiling, just for a short lived job in Johnson’s cabinet.

“Jo Johnson too. He’s my pick for being firing a total blank when it mattered.”

But what about the general public? Do they get a vote?

“Don’t be silly. They had one of those years ago. They don’t need another.”

[Geordie voiceover] It’s day six in the JRM house. The new housemates have settled in, and some interesting interactions are taking place. Alexander is busy charming the pants off everybody, and insisting that they call him ‘Boris’.

“Only mummy calls me Alex,” he waffles to the girls. “Call me Boris, it’s much more exotic, much more ‘me’!”

[Voiceover] Priti and her little clique are bitching behind the others’ backs. Meanwhile, Nadine has been put in charge of the shopping list.

“I think we should have a hundred raw kangaroo scrotums,” she announced. “No, we should get lots of bile instead,” argued Priti. “Six magnums of Veuve Cliquot! That’s all I need!” insisted Alex/Boris. “We need food? Who knew?” said Dominic, amazed.

[Voiceover] Dominic has recently discovered the significance of the doors in the house.

“I knew where they were, and that they were called doors,” he admitted to anyone within earshot. “But I hadn’t grasped their significance in enabling the flow of personnel from one space into another.”

[Voiceover] The housemates have been set a challenge. Nadine, who writes books in her spare time, has the envelope containing it.

“You must get through the day without saying any of the following words,” she gasped. “Very. Got. Hopefully. Equal. Speculate. And there’s more, look…” Gasps of horror echoed through the house. “The forfeit will be an hour in the sensory deprivation chamber!”

[Voiceover] 12.36. All the housemates are now in the sensory deprivation chamber. They have been in there since 11.36, and as they emerge, Dominic is talking to Priti.

“I’ve just got it!” he gushed. “It means, depriving us of any stimulus to the senses! I love it in here, don’t you?”

“F*@# off, you stupid little man,” relied Priti.

[Voiceover] 12.41. All the housemates are back in the sensory deprivation chamber.

[Voiceover] 10.03 pm. The housemates have been allowed to leave the chamber so they can go to bed. Alex has completed his transformation into Boris, Priti is displaying psychopathic behaviour, and Nadine is convinced that she is a celebrity. Only Dominic is happy and relaxed.

Goodnight from the JRM house.

 

ALGORITHM OF PAIN : The British Government has announced the launch of a taxpayer funded, video streaming service today. Brexflix, which will only be showing videos of British people punching themselves in the face. It will go live at 12:00 CET tonight.

”It’s a tangible Brexit dividend,” our Westminster source said, “patriotic British people uploading photos of themselves punching themselves in the face. It proves we can pull together and get through Brexit. And now it’s over, how we feel about what we’ve won.”

The content will be entirely provided by potatriots and it’s expected the content will be endless.

”But don’t just settle for curling your fist and bopping yourself on the nose,” the source says, “get inventive. Wear a glove. Put on some knuckledusters. Hold your car keys while you do it. Perhaps even put on a French or German accent! We all know who is to blame for Brexit.”

Once the channel has been successfully launched it’s hoped the content will be as varied as the British political climate’s appetite for self harm.

”Make your hand into the shape of a pistol and pretend to blow off your foot,” the source encourages, “then pretend to shoot yourself in the other foot. Maybe the knees? It’s a hoot. That’s Brexit.”

The morale boosting service won’t contain advertising, which is great.

”This is because you’re already paying to fund it with your tax money. Every single penny is being spent on Brexit. That’s so patriotic.”

Other variations are to be encouraged too.

”Why not cut your nose off?” the source urges, “that’ll really teach your face not to mess with the will of the people.”

Brexit. Let’s make a success of it. And with the launch of Brexflix, we can show the whole world how to do it.

BLACKADDER DOES BREXIT : The morale of Global Britons is in for a boost later this year with the news that General Melchett has been cast to play Dominic Raab in a biopic of the famous British explorer.

The film, given an ironic (intentional?) working title of “Can Do”, will focus primarily on the recent years of one of the great have a go heroes of modern Blighty.

We spoke to the driving force behind the project, Christopher Grayling, to learn more about this exciting cinematic masterpiece.

“I don’t have a lot to do these days,” Mr Grayling commented, “now that I’ve realised that you just have to send takeaway leaflets to companies providing transport services to government. So I figured, why not turn my hand to propaganda films in the service of Brexit?”

Why not indeed.

“And then I was musing on WW1. It’s a funny time. People used to wonder what sort of character would order the mass slaughter of their own men year after year? Off you go chaps. Take that machine gun nest. A can do attitude will see you through. Some of you may die, but you do so for empire. Well, we don’t ask that question anymore. Brexit has answered it. Just like Brexit has cracked the old nut, how did the Nazi’s rise to power? Ideology and nationalism over provable fact. That’s how. With the big questions out of the way, it was time to focus on the characters that are making modern Britain great.”

So it’s not just Raab who features in the film?

“No! Oh no. We’ve many in there. Baldrick and his cunning plans. That’s Iain Duncan Smith, so Baldrick is playing IDS. Genius. Boris Johnson is played by Blackadder. Theresa May by Nursie. Well, the list goes on.”

And what are the key moments?

“We focus on Raab’s discoveries. He’s discovered Dover. That’s a big one. He’s discovered that the problem with feminism is women talking. We address that. He’s discovered time. He’s discovered people using food banks just have a “intermittent cash flow problem”, which was really helpful. He also discovered he couldn’t negotiate Brexit. But most importantly, he’s discovered Raab.”

And what did he find there?

“A lot of bollocks and not much else.”

‘Can Do’ is to be released in the build up to Halloween this year and is certain to help Global Britons make a success of Brexit.

WHO’LL BE THERE FOR WHO : TV executives are scratching their heads today and urgently searching for answers after Ivanka Trump began appearing in repeats of the classic friendcom ‘Friends’.

The phenomenon was first reported several days ago by an insomniac who was up late watching re-runs.

“It was one of the Janice episodes,” Muriel Candlemaker said, “I settled down to watch it, unable to sleep because of a pre-occupation with the far right takeover of certain Western democracies. I figured some TV. Something from an earlier time when nobody would elect a president who didn’t know why WW2 was fought. A Janice episode was just starting. Perfect,

”I can’t tell you how shocked I was to find Ivanka Trump had replaced Janice, as if by magic. It was surreal. Actually it was quite terrifying. I checked myself for a temperature. I didn’t have one. Well, not until Ivanka started talking during the repeat.”

And Candlemaker wasn’t alone.

The next day, but on the other side of the world, Wrachet Lawn and his friend Amoeba Buffet, had decided to skip that afternoon’s lectures at university, get stoned, and watch ‘Friends’.

”It wasn’t even heavy grade skunk,” Buffet said, “just some of the low THC grass you can buy from vaping shops on the high road. So it wasn’t the reason Ivanka Trump was suddenly there, in ‘Friends’, instead of Joey Tribbiani. Same plot. She was pretending she owned a Ferrari, but she didn’t, she had some cardboard boxes or whatever. It was spinechilling. I don’t know what’s up or down anymore. I’ve started therapy.”

And by now the surreal mystery is worldwide. On every streaming service.

”It’s actually gotten worse. She’s no longer replacing important characters but now just there, hanging around the fringes of every scene, waving her hands like a warlock,” Mr Heckles, executive at repeat streaming service, Nostalgia, says, “we’ve tried digitally remastering the tapes but she won’t go. We don’t know what we’re going to do about it. We look like idiots. Somebody has to explain what’s going on or I’m going to lose my mind.”

The White House has been asked for comment, but none has been forthcoming.

No one knows why it’s happening. The only tentative explanation is that it’s a deliberate ploy to distract people from watching historical documentaries about the rise of fascism in the early 20th century, and coming to the conclusion, the world is currently going insane again.

”We’re re-titling the episodes, ‘Unwanted Friend’, at least that way things will make sense,” Mr Heckles said, “now please leave me alone. There’s a curious blonde woman waving her hands at my side and I’m going to see if I ignore her for long enough, will she just stop doing it and go away?”

KNOW ME FROM – A WINE BOX BUS : Shambolic Tory leadership hopeful, Boris Johnson, has responded to Glastonbury headline act Stormzy leading a chant from the main stage of “F*ck Boris” with his trademark skill at arts and crafts.

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/music/news/glastonbury-2019-stormzy-boris-johnson-bbc-watch-video-a8980196.html%3famp

In an interview recorded early this morning for the BBC a disheveled Mr Johnson initially looked all at sea over the revelation that he may not have the youth vote sewn up, yet.

“What’s a fellow have to do to get a Bloody Mary around here?” he demanded of the questioner, “come on. Hair of the dog! Chaps got to dig out an old photo of myself and Mr Stormy sitting at outdoor furniture for the Mail on Sunday. What the bloody hell is that in the shadows of the general election polls? Cripes.”

But when directed to give his response to the Stormzy event at Glastonbury he found the right gear.

“I um…ah…well…………….ah……I make Tory Glastonburies out of cardboard….no…out of wine boxes. What I do is. Ahhh. I get empty wine crates and I paint them. I paint on the festival goers. Then I put a little cardboard me on the stage and I lead a chant of ‘F*ck business!’ from the stage.”

Asked to produce the Tory Glastonbury model Mr Johnson initially froze, smile plastered to his face under rapidly blinking eyes.

“I donate them afterwards. Instantly. To the overseas aid budget. Great auction items. Just fantastic. They sell like hotcakes. You’ve probably got one in your loft, behind that old aga that grandma managed to somehow carry up there in a gin rage. The aga is made from cardboard too. In fact, so am I. I make myself out of these empty, well, not cardboard, wine boxes, you see I get empty wine boxes and I…get a cat, a dead cat, and I throw it on the table. It’s works great for the 0.3% who are going to vote for me. I’m a headline act.”

He may consider himself a headline act, but it’s becoming clear to all but the Tory membership and some Brexit Party psychos, that he’s only a headline act at Tory Glastonbury.