Category: Education Education Education

IT’S A LOVELY DAY TOMORROW : THE DEPARTMENT FOR EDUCATION is under new leadership with new ideas and state schools are soon to bear the brunt of it.

In order to align education with media output state schools will have to promote Britishness in as many ways as possible, while also helping to ensure everyone catches the patriotic virus.

“Pretending everything is fine days will help British youth get into the spirit of the new reality,” a source inside the Department told LCD Views. “A range of patriotic British songs will be written to be learned in the place of Maths. Schools will receive funding incentives dependent on how well they promote Mr Johnson’s vision for the country. Traitors schools will be turned into debtors prisons, which will provide valuable early experience of what the long term goal of the government is. Patriotic schools will receive vouchers to spend on flags. We think this will revolutionise education and make everyone ready for the 18th century.”

Pretending everything is fine days will allow whole communities to join in school focused festivities.

“No one will mention food or energy shortages on the days they pretend everything is fine. School meals will be withheld (if there are any) and children will be encouraged to mock eating a banquet in front of wealthier kids so everyone feels like they’re in it together.”

Once the new days are successfully embedded in school routines classes will tour the country in special Union Flag buses to help areas suffering join in.

“Children will be dressed in little black shorts and given Union Flags to wave as they tell that farmer that everything is fine.”

Admitting there are serious problems afflicting the country will be deemed very “un-British” which will become a crime.

“Remember, so long as ministers are happy everything is fine,” the source adds. “Now help your mum find the candles and matches and celebrate the coming blackouts. They won’t be just any old blackouts, they’ll be British blackouts, so everything is fine!”

KNOWLEDGE IS CONTAGIOUS : Former Education Secretary Gavin Williamson is the subject of rumours today with the belief being that Prime Minister Boris Johnson will knight him.

It’s not clear why Mr Williamson would need a knighthood, given he already owns a spider and a whip, but it could be because he’s been a faithful servant of evil throughout his tenure as a Secretary of State. Few can forget his impact as Education Secretary. There are many highlights but threatening to sue schools who refused to invite kids in to have a measles party and then ordering schools closed the next day was a star turn. So too the fight over free school meals, because everyone knows the children Tory policies have impoverished learn better when they’re starving.

“It’ll wind up the libs,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It’s also a payoff for his services to Brexit. Knighthoods are ten a penny in Brexitannia. Why not give old Gav one? The titles and the palaces help inadequates like Williamson believe they are somehow destined to rule. The bricks and mortar achievements of the past, the outdated honours system, all that pomp and circumstance guff allow us to ignore just how frightfully bad we are at government. Heaven help us if the whole show is ever brought into the 21st Century. Still, not a problem for Sir Frank Spencer.”

But while it’s normal for PM’s to payoff loyal servants there is a suggestion that it isn’t really his time as Education Secretary that the knighthood is for.

“He helped keep everyone bloody confused. He has also helped sell to schools a pandemic plan that makes children the best vectors for the virus in the country. If a few of them end up with chronic illnesses that’s a sacrifice we’re willing to take to achieve herd immunity. Just no one admit it publicly.”

When your child starts learning Latin you’ll have Sir Gav to thank for it. If they catch the virus and give it to you, if they haven’t already? You can thank him for that too.

Inmunidad colectiva – get your kid to translate it next time you take their temperature.

THEY DON’T NEED NO EDUCATION : Education Superstar Gavin Williamson has hit back at critics who claim he’s as incompetent as Raab, as clueless as Truss and as vindictive as Patel.

With schools across the U.K. reopened or reopening after the gloomy summer many are concerned that English schools in particular are unprepared for another go at educating the future during a tantric pandemic. Mr Williamson has marked their work down.

“Letting the virus rip through our children is not a way to achieve herd immunity in the community via natural infection, while reducing the social care problem,” an invented spokesman for the Education Secretary told LCD Views. “It’s just the obvious result of our devil may care approach. It’s also not a way to reduce overcrowding in classrooms, it’s just what will follow with tens of thousands of students being off sick and many in hospitals.”

Responding to specific criticisms that he hasn’t even attempted to make classrooms safer Mr Williamson’s spokesman was livid.

“We have signed a contract for hundreds of millions of canaries. Just like in the coal mines of old there will be perfectly adequate warning systems that dangers are present. And then we’ll ignore them and carry on, just like now.”

The canaries themselves will be supplied “by the truckload” by a Tory donor who was the best person to deal with as “they’ve recently suffered a serious business failure but have previously donated generously to the Conservatives.”

The canaries will also be financially very efficient for schools.

“You can just bin them when they die due to the dangerous gas levels and pop another in the cage,” the spokesman enthuses. “And each day a lucky pupil can be chosen by lot to take the canary home for their afternoon shift in the newly reopened coal mines and stand an even better chance of making it home alive.”

Boris Johnson’s Britain – he doesn’t appear to care about his own offspring, why the hell do you expect he’ll care about yours?

STULTUS UTILIS : Breaking news this morning that Education Secretary Gavin Williamson was sacked several weeks ago by Prime Minister Boris Johnson, but somehow remains in post.

The letter sacking the Frank Spencer of Education was sent to his office and it is reported it “lay open but unread” on his desk. It is not yet clear why Mr Johnson did not follow up to force the issue once Mr Williamson kept turning up to the office each day. Suspicions that he is also incompetent are thought to be behind the failure to act.

Mr Williamson has carved out a definite reputation as Secretary for State for Education, singlehandedly damaging the prospects of millions of state school children in what has been described as a “Conservative tour de force of policy making”.

It’s not believed the harm Mr Williamson is doing is directly behind the decision to fire him, although it is related.

“His popularity ratings are sub-arctic with the Conservative Party membership,” a 10 Downing Street source confirms. “This is having a knock on impact on Mr Johnson’s own popularity. So he had no choice but to act. It should be clear that the life chances of state school students are in no way the motivation for the sacking.”

Now that the botched firing of Mr Williamson is in the public domain it is likely that Mr Johnson will move again, and reshuffle Mr Williamson for someone of a similar weapons grade uselessness.

The failure to communicate is thought to lay in the actual letter sent terminating his time in the Cabinet.

“It was written in Latin,” the Downing Street source confirms. “That seems to lie at the heart of the matter. If Mr Williamson can’t recall his grades you can be damn sure he can’t read the letter. In spite of his decision to force a select number of state schools to teach the elite subject.”

mortuus Cattus : Education Secretary Gavin Williamson has not looked back since his early years as the seventeenth best, secondhand (and recently refurbished) fireplace salesman in Little Dorrit.

In recent years he has held several ministries in the long running Tory rule. The high point clearly being fired for leaking secrets while Defence Secretary. But failure is no barrier to advancement under Boris Johnson. Now Mr Williamson has the education of mighty Global Britain’s tender young minds in his care.

So it comes as no surprise that he has decided to do something as twattishly stupid as force British state school children to learn Latin. Which will come as a surprise, no doubt, to their teachers many of whom will now also be learning Latin.

“Some might think that increased funding, food and more teachers would be of greater help,” a source close to Gav said, “but they haven’t seen the whip he keeps on his desk. He’s very impressive.”

Clearly though, in spite of the whip, critics are less than impressed.

That could be regarded as an improvement for Mr Williamson who is so desperately insecure and mediocre such an estimation is a factum massive.

“He says learning Latin will prepare schoolchildren to learn modern languages,” a baffled Education expert comments. “Why not just then teach them modern languages? Ones they can actually practice in real life situations? The guy is a complete twat. Which is actually how you say Gavin Williamson in Latin.”

Regardless of the harping on of detractors Mr Williamson has the support of 10 Downing Street for the changes.

“The PM thinks it’s a great windup and will distract everyone for a few days from the hash he’s made of the UK’s food supplies. So have at it Gavin,” a 10 Downing Street source says.

“And besides it’s best they learn Latin. Learning French or Italian will just remind them of the deep links of friendship and unity we severed to achieve Brexit. And we don’t want that.”

IGNORANCE IS BLISS : The UK’s most famous “Runner Up Fireplace Salesman of the Month 2001” Gavin Williamson is looking to ban the use of mobile phones in state schools.

The motivation is presumed to be to distract from his appalling record as Education Secretary, which has surprised many as he keeps a whip on his desk.

It was initially thought that Mr Williamson’s pet tarantula could tour all state schools in England in a “show of force” to improve class discipline, but removing a vital, modern tool was settled upon as a much better deflection from the “natural herd immunity in schools” policy that is helping to British children win the war on the virus.

It’s not only class discipline that suffers when mobile phones are allowed onto school premises, it’s also respect for the children’s betters.

“All these poor children sharing memes mocking Gav? It’s not on,” an aide to Mr Williamson said. “If the Education Secretary can’t inspire fear how can he govern? Starving poor kids was an excellent part of this policy mix, but some bloody footballer stuffed that up.”

While class discipline is undoubtedly now a serious problem, some would suggest that Mr Williamson’s government’s catastrophic management of the pandemic is to blame and not phones.

“We have to get rid of school bubbles too. They kept bursting and alerting everyone to how we’re letting Delta rip through schools. It’s creating alarm. If people don’t know they’re at risk of catching the plague they won’t get tested. Fewer tests taken mean a lower case load. It’s just sensible governance.”

And while all of this is sound and sensible one or two critics are suggesting there’s a reason other than discipline behind the move to ban phones.

“If kids don’t have phones they can’t text each other to say they have Covid. They’ll have to meet up in person to do it. It’s genius.”

RING A RING O’ ROSIE : EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT THE NEW ROYAL YACHT that may well end up being built just so everyone can keep talking about the new royal yacht.

Suggestions that the new royal yacht is a DEAD CAT has set klaxons screeching in patriotic areas of GREAT BRITAIN. It’s clearly not that. It’s obviously a vital tool for Liz Truss to get new trade deals. Her magic Union Flag umbrella can only get her so far. The yacht will help make Brexit great. That’s why they started building it years ago. So it was ready for when we Brexited. What?!

“It’s not just standard Johnsonian BS to deflect and distract away from the growing bin fire he’s turned the country into,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He really believes in it. Because he’s young at heart. About 4 to be exact. Maybe even 3. And if the royals don’t want the ship? So what! Who’s the real royal family in the UK these days? Clearly not the stuffed shirts at Windsor. Johnson lied to the Queen’s face and got away with it. That makes him King. The real royal family now lives at 10 Downing Street and they want a yacht.”

And while all the retorts from the palace at Westminster are clearly completely believable there are just a few who are saying it’s a giant dead cat to distract from the herd immunity project currently been run in English schools. Just let the virus rip and be done with it. Boris is bored of the pandemic now. Go on kids! Do your bit for Blighty! Only a few of you will get sick long term, even fewer will die. Can’t be so sure of the extended family. But so what!

LCD Views would send a reporter along to get comment from schools on the front line, but we can’t find one that is still open. Global Britain. Ring a ring o’ Rosie, we all fall down, but at least we’ll have a yacht!

MATT THE APP : Health Secretary Matt Hancock has hit out at the UK’s “holiday obsessed” parents today after discovering an alarming rise of the new Delta variant in England’s schools.

The discovery was doubling shocking as no one ever before in the history of the world has learned that school age children can both “catch”, and more surprisingly, “transmit” cold viruses to parents and grandparents.

“We’ve got our best people working on it,” Mr Hancock told reporters. “Dido, David Davis, Redwood. If things get really confusing we’ll have to draft in Jenkyns, Bridgen, Francois and maybe even Dorries. But we will get to the bottom of just how long it’s been possible for school age kids to catch and pass on this new flu. Cold. Rash. Whatever it is. In the meantime it’s best if parents consider their own part in it all. Initially by having children to begin with. And then by expecting the state to educate them so they can pretend to be working from home. It’s scandalous.”

Mr Hancock went on to level an additional excoriating dressing down to parents of state school children in particular.

“Look at Eton. Look at the precautions they take. If parents cared for their children they would pay for their education in safe environments. And I won’t hear any complaints about paying for education through taxes. Everyone knows taxes are for Tory Party donors.”

In spite of the Health Secretary’s concerns school children across the country will return en masse to schools tomorrow where the windows may or may not be open to ventilate the class rooms. And following on from days when the new case count already well exceeds last autumn’s when the PM refused the “circuit breaker”.

“I would advise parents to teach their children to hold their breath. Six or seven hours at a stretch will help stop the potential next massive wave of completely preventable death that we’ve once again allowed to build because I’ll be buggered if anyone in government understands the word exponential. Whatever you do don’t ask the Chancellor! He thinks the health of the population and the economy are separated at birth!”

Mr Hancock later clarified he means parents should teach their children to hold their own breath and not the parent’s breath and that would be near impossible.

”Oh, if anyone works out what elimination means please let us know that too. We’ve stumped and New Zealand doesn’t exist. You can’t learn anything from there.”