Category: Donald Trump

OUT OF SIGHT AND OUT OF MIND : The US navy has responded to the recent order from the White House to conceal the identity of the USS John McCain.

“Seriously? If the order came from the White House than it came from the so called Commander in Chief,” an unidentified source at the Yokosuka base in Japan told LCD Views, “haven’t those idiots ever heard of hoods? We know Donald has a lot of friends who like wearing a certain kind of hood, much to our embarrassment. Surely it would be easier in future just to hood Donald, but not a hood with eyeholes.”

Horse blinders were also suggested to protect the big orange snowflake’s precious little ego. Perhaps just a simple blindfold would suffice?

“Or he could stay home. That would save us all a lot of face. Keep golfing until your impeachment. Or set him up a Truman Show type world? He can be president in there. The ratings would be so, so big, no one has ever seen ratings that big.”

The Truman Show solution to the Trump presidency is a decent one and would be worth however much it costs.

“Do they even think about the impact on the morale of the men and woman serving on that warship? They have to be hidden from sight? This is modern America? We can’t even show our face now.”

But POTUS was not immune to concerns over the feelings of the serving men and women. In particular those serving on a warship named after a veteran who famously endured suffering while serving that his privileged background could have prevented, had he allowed it to.

“Donald is having to rest, now he’s thought about it,” a White House source revealed, “the thought of what his thin skinned, vindictive narcissism may have done to the those serving under his command? It’s caused his bone spurs to flare up real good. People should think about that, the next time, before they casually bite back.”

Plans to cover the entirety of the Statue of Liberty in a giant shawl until Trump has left office are also under consideration, because there’s nothing about the famous lady and what she symbolises that doesn’t upset the old orange fart.

LOST IN THOUGHT : Twitter is coming under renewed lobbying today to increase Donald Trump’s tweet character limit from 280 to 280K characters, so he never leaves his toilet again.

”He’ll go in tomorrow morning as usual in the small hours to start tweeting insanities at the world and just never come back out,” leader of the campaign, Mrs Grammer told LCD Views, “we reckon if he’s baited with a pro-Obama story just before he goes inside the little room that’ll be it. Game, set and match.”

In order to really bait the hook the team behind the campaign are working on hacking into the FOX ‘news’ channel to run the Obama puff piece through Trump’s only outward gazing window to the world.

Twitter itself is tight lipped about the proposal, with rumours circulating that they’re inclined to say no.

”Trump is good for business,” Mrs Grammer acknowledged, “and with another president, having such an infinite view into their mind would be amazing. Say Abraham Lincoln? Although he was famously shy of social media channels, not setting up any of them. With Trump it’s a different story. Every tweet is a clear argument to just get that lunatic out of office, but still he stays. For now.”

LCD Views would like to commend the team behind the initiative. It’s about time someone took action to distract the mad baboon and make the world a safer place.

But if by some chance Trump does finish the giant tweet in his lifetime, we’ll be sure to retweet it.

ALL THAT GLITTERS : Donald Trump is reported to bee “unrepentant” and “on the toilet with a smart phone” today after keen eyed Twitter followers spotted a glaring error inn his early morning tweet pardoning disgraced 1960’s businessman Auric Goldfinger.

Its believed the decision too pardon the megalomaniac businessman came after Trump watched an olde documentary on Goldfinger’s 1960’s scheme to corner the gold market.

”It’s the shared love of gold that did it,” a Trump analyst commented, “although initially dismissive over the absence of tower blocs in Mr Goldfinger’s property portfolio, Mr Trump was drawn to the panache with witch he manages his global empire, his keen eye four hiring the wright people for the job, and of course the company he keeps.”

Butt the decision too announce the pardon on Twitter was when the trouble started.

”If you try hard you can make mow sound like now, if you squint when you speak,” a Trump fan defended the president, “and lets me fare, for a Trump tweet is was goodish on the speling and grammer frontage.”

Why Trump’s attention was drawn to Goldfinger at this time isn’t entirely clear, but it’s believed to do with rising tensions in the Golf and how speculators turn to gold in times of crisis.

All that said, as Mr Goldfinger was convicted in absentia by a British court, it’s knot even kleer if POTUS has the jurisdiction to pardon him.

”I don’t think that really matters,” our analyst observed, “So long ass the GOP back Trump, the legality of the decision isn’t under question. Mr Goldfinger played a clever hand when he mentioned in a recent press interview that he thought Trump steaks were the bestest, he only flies Trump Air and he will be sending his children to Trump university. Flattery will get you everywhere.”

At the time of writing Trump was attempting to locate and hire Goldfinger’s former head off security, Odd Job, because he really likes his hat.

AIRPORT SECURITY: Urgent questions are being asked of just how lax the security at JFK International Airport, New York, is after the Statue of Liberty was spotted boarding a plane to Charles de Gaulle Airport, France.

No less (because you can’t get less) than President Trump was at the forefront of a twitter storm after photos of the famous statue began appearing all over social media.

”She was in a real rush,” a fellow commuter told LCD Views, “she shoved my Jean out of the way and took our place in the check-in queue. I was going to say something, but then I saw her expression and thought it’s probably best to let it go.”

How exactly a 93m statue holding a flaming torch was allowed to proceed through check-in, security and then to the boarding gate and onto the Air France flight is uppermost in the questions demanding answers.

”It’s because she’s famous,” Jean’s husband reckons, “you can do pretty much anything you want if you’re famous. People just let you do it.”

And Jean’s husband’s theory seems a likely reason for the blatant failure to stop a giant, enraged metal woman with a flaming torch from boarding the flight. Mostly because of who said something similar during their presidential campaign.

”Do you fault the good lady?” the statue of Winston Churchill, on College Green, posted on its twitter account, “I’m packing my bags too and heading for the continent. I’m done with obvious thieving, lying, useless idiot chancers being given currency in our political establishment. I’m off to seclusion to write about the dangers and plan the resistance.”

At the time of going to print the French government was tight lipped and refusing to comment. But already on Twitter photos are appearing of a monumental green woman standing next to the Eiffel Tower like she’s just minding her own business…

Donald Trump’s ego has often been compared to a mountain, but his latest move has proven that to be true in a very literal sense, as he has just signed an executive order to have his face carved into Mount Rushmore.

The announcement was made last night. In his statement to the press he said:

“Look, it’s time we updated some of our national menthol – uh, menu – uh, tourist places to be more in tune with modern times. Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, Roosevelt, sure they were OK presidents back in the day but we’ve had better since then. Hey, you’ve got the bestest one of all right here right now, and it’s time we updated Mount Rushmore to reflect who’s the best president ever.”

When asked if he was planning to add his face from scratch or replace an existing president, he answered:

“Doing it from scratch would take too long, so we’re putting my face in place of Abe Lincoln’s. There’s a lot of good reasons for this, for starters he’s the one that I’m most like, and for another, someone tells me he was president before Roosevelt but comes after him on the cliff, and that’s just silly. So really putting my face over his would neaten the whole thing up so that the faces are in order.”

The fact about Lincoln being president before Roosevelt but depicted after him on the cliff may be the truest thing Trump has ever said, although even then he’s only using it to justify his own ego.

Rumours are unconfirmed that he plans to replace the other presidents’ faces with images of his own family, and even rename the monument Mount Trumpmore.

The original Mount Rushmore took fourteen years to sculpt. Given the complexities of the redesign, not to mention the legal issues, the resculpt may not be finished in Trump’s lifetime, making this project all set to be the biggest waste of time and money in the history of the world.

In another unconfirmed rumour, the engineers tasked with this project are apparently going to take their time in the initial design phase, and not authorise any physical sculpting on the cliff until Trump is absolutely 100% happy with the proposed likeness.

After all, nobody in their right mind really wants to ruin a national monument.

BLAME GAME : Living fossil Donald Trump, apparently still the President of the United States (at the time of writing), has been fuelling claims that wind turbines are killing that famous symbol of the USA, the Bald Eagle.

The claim was made while addressing workers in the fossil fuel sector, worried about their jobs in the face of a growing renewable sector.

A responsible leader would have faced the facts with his audience, and offered to help by providing retraining and other avenues to give the workers who fear being ground up by creative destruction new opportunities in a changing industry.

“Donald Trump is anything but a responsible leader,” a bald eagle commented, “so you can scrub that. He’ll go for provoking outrage because that’s his fuel, the old fossil. And that’s what I presume old fuel is paying him to do?”

The Eagle, already famous for featuring in a hilarious video where it makes its feelings about Trump known to Trump, had more to say.

https://youtu.be/o7_OWYrLVOU

”There is of course a pile of dead bald eagles,” it confirms, “but they’re underneath a serious leak of natural gas that will do more to harm my kind, and other birds, than any wind turbine.”

The Eagle then presented photographic evidence.

”See? Right here on the gleam outside the Oval Office? Masses of dead bald eagles that have fallen off the seals of office and state of the USA.”

The Eagle went on to say if Trump stays in office much longer it feared that symbolic Eagle may well go extinct, along with the industry Trump is attempting to parasite off for his grievance politics.

Now, back to the bald eagle having a go at Trump and smile.

Donald Trump has been championing a return to outer space ever since he took office, and it’s pretty much the only decent idea he’s had in his life.

Now it turns out, to the surprise of absolutely nobody with any sense, that he has an ulterior motive for doing so.

Trump admitted last night that he was looking for a place to hide his tax returns where the IRS couldn’t get at them.

“These documents are absolutely totally top secret,” he explained. “It is vital for national security that they are placed beyond the reach of anyone who would do harm to your glorious leader – uh, nation, glorious nation, that’s it.”

Rumours were rife that he intended sending the documents on a mission to Mars stocked full of explosives which would be accidentally detonated once the shuttle left the earth’s atmosphere, until he realised that he might have need to look at the documents himself at some point.

This wouldn’t prevent an accidental explosion from taking place on the return trip, until it was pointed out that there was no guarantee of him being the only person who would know the exact location in which the files were hidden.

Trump spent several minutes pondering this one before finally coming up with an answer.

“I’ll lead the mission myself. When we land I’ll go off on my own and take the top secret documents with me and hide them somewhere no one else can find them and I won’t tell anyone where they are.”

This will involve making a special spacesuit for him so he can move about without being traced.

The senior astronaut on the mission, Major Tom Starr-Mann had this to say:

“The idea is foolproof. We can touch down, drop him off so he can hide his files, and the minute he’s out of the landing craft, we shut the doors and blast back off again.”

Other senior NASA officials were quick to get behind this plan, all agreeing that it would be worth every penny spent if it comes off.

The Martian launch is scheduled to take place just as soon as they can build a powerful enough rocket to carry such a weight of financial mismanagement into orbit. We wish them luck.

GAMING IT : LCD Views is thrilled to announce the small screen blockbuster, ‘Billion Dollar Baby’, is to screen on millions of smart phones and tablets later this week.

The film centres on two periods in the life of Donald Trump. An intertwined narrative of the mega successful businessman’s turbulent years in the 1980’s and early 1990’s, losing money hand over fist with casinos, and now, as President, fighting like the heavyweight he is to keep his tax returns a secret.

”It takes real talent to lose money running casinos,” our film critic praises the man, and his work, “just imagine it? People walk in and throw money at you and you throw it away yourself even faster? That is fleet footwork.”

The Trump character’s catchphrase in the film is “Can you keep a secret?”, that’s the question.

And that’s the reason for the dual narrative. It took years for the decade of a billion dollars lost to be revealed, but what’s he keeping secret now?

”The contemporary story focuses on Trump and his right hand man, Mnuchin, and how they’re boxing smart today, hands in front of the face, bruised but unrelenting, hiding whatever the hell it is in the recent years tax returns that Trump just wants to go away.”

https://www.wired.com/story/internet-week-220/amp?__twitter_impression=true

We’re not going to print any spoilers, suffice to say, as with everything Trump, the small of lawbreaking and prison seems just a heartbeat away.

”Other people tend to go to jail, not the man himself,” our critic observed, “if he keeps dancing and tweeting, he may just get away.”

Can you keep a secret? The most pressing question, each and every day, for the Billion Dollar Baby.

AUTOMATIC LAUNDROMAT : The 45th President of the United States, Donald Trump, aka Knuckled Brain Fart Lozenge, finally relented today and released the full and unredacted report by special counsel Robert Mueller.

Moves to delay the release of the report have been constant by POTUS and his chums, leading to speculation he’s too modest and didn’t want all the praise contained inside to be released to the world’s press.

“He’s really blushing,” an aide to the president told LCD Views, “I mean, it’s a pretty exhaustive list of his accomplishments. And a lot of attempts to excel that you’d expect from such an honest little trier. Although it’s not exhaustive. Donnie has played in so many leagues Mueller shared a lot of the investigation about with various other agencies and levels of government. This is so everyone gets their turn to applaud Trumpet.”

Another reason for the delay was concerns over its accessibility. This is why redacted chunks have been feed out slowly, to buy time, before the correct way to present the Drumpf honour roll could be settled on and actioned.

“To help people better understand the report Donald phoned up a friend to see if he could translate it into a language most people in the USA and wider world could immediately understand. So he phoned a friend in Russia. Let us be clear too, nothing has been lost in translation, but quite a lot may have been added.”

This phone call appears to have yielded solid results. The report was steadily translated into Russian and printed out in Cyrillic.

“Donald will begin reading the report out live on Twitter from tomorrow morning. There will be a lot of da, da, da’s as everyone will now agree that he’s completely innocent and only interested in bettering the lots of his fellow man.”

It’s good to have friends in high places. Da.

GOD LOVES A TRIER : President Donald Trump has announced he is to appear in a special ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’, as a contestant.

It’s believed the one off celebrity special of the classic game show will be hosted by Michael Cohen from prison, reuniting two old friends who haven’t spoken for a while.

In a surprisingly honest spree on Twitter, the president revealed his motivation for taking part.

”Fake news media keeps saying im not riche. I am so riche. Once I win who wants to be a millionaire Ill be a billionaire. So so riche.”

The President will have all the usual lifelines, although ‘50/50’ will be reserved for use only in a special question ‘What are the chances of you surviving impeachment?”

‘Phone a friend’ will not surprise any viewers, as POTUS has decided to pick his best Russian friend, Vladimir Putin, to be waiting by the phone.

And ‘Ask the audience’ also has a twist, as it will be an audience handpicked by Kim Jong-un and watching in North Korea.

“Donald has a real chance of earning some hard cash here,” an aide to the President told LCD Views, “although he’ll declare it as a loss if he does win, just in case anyone tries to make him pay tax. Winners don’t pay tax. Civil society pays for itself by magic. Only losers pay for schools and roads for lazy people to use.”

The special will screen globally on the 4th of July as Americans gather to celebrate their escape from tyranny and their completion of the circle to end right back under it.