Category: Donald Trump

Donald Trump has been championing a return to outer space ever since he took office, and it’s pretty much the only decent idea he’s had in his life.

Now it turns out, to the surprise of absolutely nobody with any sense, that he has an ulterior motive for doing so.

Trump admitted last night that he was looking for a place to hide his tax returns where the IRS couldn’t get at them.

“These documents are absolutely totally top secret,” he explained. “It is vital for national security that they are placed beyond the reach of anyone who would do harm to your glorious leader – uh, nation, glorious nation, that’s it.”

Rumours were rife that he intended sending the documents on a mission to Mars stocked full of explosives which would be accidentally detonated once the shuttle left the earth’s atmosphere, until he realised that he might have need to look at the documents himself at some point.

This wouldn’t prevent an accidental explosion from taking place on the return trip, until it was pointed out that there was no guarantee of him being the only person who would know the exact location in which the files were hidden.

Trump spent several minutes pondering this one before finally coming up with an answer.

“I’ll lead the mission myself. When we land I’ll go off on my own and take the top secret documents with me and hide them somewhere no one else can find them and I won’t tell anyone where they are.”

This will involve making a special spacesuit for him so he can move about without being traced.

The senior astronaut on the mission, Major Tom Starr-Mann had this to say:

“The idea is foolproof. We can touch down, drop him off so he can hide his files, and the minute he’s out of the landing craft, we shut the doors and blast back off again.”

Other senior NASA officials were quick to get behind this plan, all agreeing that it would be worth every penny spent if it comes off.

The Martian launch is scheduled to take place just as soon as they can build a powerful enough rocket to carry such a weight of financial mismanagement into orbit. We wish them luck.

GAMING IT : LCD Views is thrilled to announce the small screen blockbuster, ‘Billion Dollar Baby’, is to screen on millions of smart phones and tablets later this week.

The film centres on two periods in the life of Donald Trump. An intertwined narrative of the mega successful businessman’s turbulent years in the 1980’s and early 1990’s, losing money hand over fist with casinos, and now, as President, fighting like the heavyweight he is to keep his tax returns a secret.

”It takes real talent to lose money running casinos,” our film critic praises the man, and his work, “just imagine it? People walk in and throw money at you and you throw it away yourself even faster? That is fleet footwork.”

The Trump character’s catchphrase in the film is “Can you keep a secret?”, that’s the question.

And that’s the reason for the dual narrative. It took years for the decade of a billion dollars lost to be revealed, but what’s he keeping secret now?

”The contemporary story focuses on Trump and his right hand man, Mnuchin, and how they’re boxing smart today, hands in front of the face, bruised but unrelenting, hiding whatever the hell it is in the recent years tax returns that Trump just wants to go away.”

https://www.wired.com/story/internet-week-220/amp?__twitter_impression=true

We’re not going to print any spoilers, suffice to say, as with everything Trump, the small of lawbreaking and prison seems just a heartbeat away.

”Other people tend to go to jail, not the man himself,” our critic observed, “if he keeps dancing and tweeting, he may just get away.”

Can you keep a secret? The most pressing question, each and every day, for the Billion Dollar Baby.

AUTOMATIC LAUNDROMAT : The 45th President of the United States, Donald Trump, aka Knuckled Brain Fart Lozenge, finally relented today and released the full and unredacted report by special counsel Robert Mueller.

Moves to delay the release of the report have been constant by POTUS and his chums, leading to speculation he’s too modest and didn’t want all the praise contained inside to be released to the world’s press.

“He’s really blushing,” an aide to the president told LCD Views, “I mean, it’s a pretty exhaustive list of his accomplishments. And a lot of attempts to excel that you’d expect from such an honest little trier. Although it’s not exhaustive. Donnie has played in so many leagues Mueller shared a lot of the investigation about with various other agencies and levels of government. This is so everyone gets their turn to applaud Trumpet.”

Another reason for the delay was concerns over its accessibility. This is why redacted chunks have been feed out slowly, to buy time, before the correct way to present the Drumpf honour roll could be settled on and actioned.

“To help people better understand the report Donald phoned up a friend to see if he could translate it into a language most people in the USA and wider world could immediately understand. So he phoned a friend in Russia. Let us be clear too, nothing has been lost in translation, but quite a lot may have been added.”

This phone call appears to have yielded solid results. The report was steadily translated into Russian and printed out in Cyrillic.

“Donald will begin reading the report out live on Twitter from tomorrow morning. There will be a lot of da, da, da’s as everyone will now agree that he’s completely innocent and only interested in bettering the lots of his fellow man.”

It’s good to have friends in high places. Da.

GOD LOVES A TRIER : President Donald Trump has announced he is to appear in a special ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’, as a contestant.

It’s believed the one off celebrity special of the classic game show will be hosted by Michael Cohen from prison, reuniting two old friends who haven’t spoken for a while.

In a surprisingly honest spree on Twitter, the president revealed his motivation for taking part.

”Fake news media keeps saying im not riche. I am so riche. Once I win who wants to be a millionaire Ill be a billionaire. So so riche.”

The President will have all the usual lifelines, although ‘50/50’ will be reserved for use only in a special question ‘What are the chances of you surviving impeachment?”

‘Phone a friend’ will not surprise any viewers, as POTUS has decided to pick his best Russian friend, Vladimir Putin, to be waiting by the phone.

And ‘Ask the audience’ also has a twist, as it will be an audience handpicked by Kim Jong-un and watching in North Korea.

“Donald has a real chance of earning some hard cash here,” an aide to the President told LCD Views, “although he’ll declare it as a loss if he does win, just in case anyone tries to make him pay tax. Winners don’t pay tax. Civil society pays for itself by magic. Only losers pay for schools and roads for lazy people to use.”

The special will screen globally on the 4th of July as Americans gather to celebrate their escape from tyranny and their completion of the circle to end right back under it.

There’s nothing Donald Trump likes more than making up self-serving rubbish about himself, but in his latest gaffe at least you can see where it came from.

The words “Trump victory” trending are enough to get him excited, and if the Trump in question is not him, well he’ll just claim it is. In this case, it’s about Judd Trump, who has just been crowned world snooker champion.

In a few short minutes, the Donald went from never having heard of snooker to claiming to be world champion in the sport.

He made the following tweet on the subject:

“It’s offical, I am now the world snooker champignon. Whats snooker?”

The fact that he still betrayed his ignorance of the sport in the same tweet as he claimed to be the world champion of it was a bit of a giveaway, and critics were on him like a shot.

Responses included:

“Snooker is like pool for smart people. You couldn’t even cope with pool for dumb people.”

“If you really were the world champion, you wouldn’t need to ask, idiot.”

And,

“Snookered is what you’ll be when they finally remove you from office.”

The truth was quickly explained to him, at which point the Donald falsely claimed kinship with the champ.

Of course his supporters still lapped it up and claimed it to be true – even if they don’t know what snooker is either.

The actual world snooker champion, Judd Trump (no relation) when told of his namesake’s claim, just replied:

“Well he would, wouldn’t he!”

There were rumours around in early 2017 that Judd Trump was considering changing his surname to Hitler to sound less controversial.

We at LCD views would like to extend our warmest congrats to Judd, for both a well-deserved victory, and for giving the world a news story that made the words “Trump victory” a good thing for a change.

BREAKING ICE : Startling news out of Norway today after a Norwegian fishing trawler reportedly hauled in the 45th (US 45th, 1st Russian – allegedly) President of the USA, Donald Trump.

The incident occurred in waters off the fishing village of Inga while fishing boats were out attempting to lay nets.

“Initially the fishermen believed it was just a strange beluga whale,” our Norwegian Fishing correspondent reports, “but then it approached the boats and began to talk.”

Apparently the conversation was mostly concerned with the harness attached to the whale’s back.

“It’s just the greatest harness! I’ve got the bigliest harness of any white whale, it went on and on like that,” one of the fishermen, a Ragnor Lothbrok, told our correspondent, “it was very boastful.”

But it appears the whale was having trouble staying afloat and when it began to blow excessive amounts of scat out of its blowhole the fishermen became concerned and hauled it aboard one of the boats.

“It was then that they realised what they hand on their hands,” our correspondent explains, “the crew were worried the harness, which appeared to have been affixed very tightly about the whale, was causing the breathing difficulties so they decided to cut it off.”

On examining the harness they found a label that proclaimed “Property of V. Putin, if found please return to the Kremlin – You thought the fall of the Berlin Wall was the end of the Cold War, but it was just half time to me”.

“The Trump whale is clearly some kind of weapon,” our correspondent declares, “it’s currently being distracted with a smart phone while US mammal researchers decide whether or not it can be de-programmed, or should be kept in captivity for the rest of its unnatural life.”

https://www.theguardian.com/environment/2019/apr/29/whale-with-harness-could-be-russian-weapon-say-norwegian-experts

BROKEN BONGS: FRESH OUTRAGE is in the air over Westminster today after Prime Minister Theresa May’s secret plan to shrink London’s most famous landmark, Big Ben, and give it to Donald Trump as a souvenir during his June state visit, was leaked to this fictional newspaper.

“Let me stop you right there!” a Downing Street insider insisted, hearing we had the SCOOP.

Good plan! We replied. Leave Big Ben alone.

“It’s no longer called Big Ben,” the insider cut through, “it’s now the Elizabeth Tower. And you should be happy we’re just shrinking it and giving it away because the alternative was to rename it the Trump Tower.”

We don’t like that either! There’s a perfectly good Tower Bridge and Tower of London that you could rename instead. Why give away Big Ben?

“It’s a symbol of our post Brexit future in which we reduce in size and give it all away to our special friends across the pond,” the insider explained, “do you want a special relationship with the Trussians or not?!”

Not at the cost of national dignity. Not at the cost of the NHS!

“Well it’s too late because the people have decided. Only a traitor doesn’t respect the result of the referendum.”

But shrinking the Elizabeth Tower and giving it to Donald Trump as a souvenir wasn’t on the referendum paper in 2016.

“Yes it was. Everything was because nothing was. And the PEOPLE HAVE DECIDED!”

But in democracies the people get to decide again when circumstances change. That’s why we have universal suffrage. That’s why we have a whole raft of change enabling progressive social change and inclusion.

“You’re stuck in the past. All that ended in 2015 once the shackles came off 55 Tufton Street in office in 10 Downing Street.”

This is BONG-KERS!

“This is Global Britain.”

LCD Views can report encouraging news today for countries suffering fire calamities with the announcement that Donald Trump is to launch “Drumpf Fire Fighting Consultancy – we comment while watching things burn”.

”The commentary will be Twitter based,” an insider involved in the Donald’s latest wheeze revealed, “as Mr Trump offers expert commentary on the fighting of fires of all kinds in real time. We expect his advice will really fan the flames.”

And how much will Donald charge for his advice?

”Initially the service will be free,” the insider said,”the first tweet on any fire is offered gratis, with only a discretionary sum requested, to be lodged in any number of offshore bank accounts.”

And after the initial tweet?

”Well, there will be a sliding scale. The longer any party receiving Donald’s unsolicited fire fighting advice ignores it, the more the Drumpf Co will charge. So best to take 45’s first insane suggestion and act fast. That way you can minimise the damage.”

This really is too good to be true.

”Yes. And there’s more. Everyone receiving the unsought consultancy will receive a free Drumpf branded rake. This will put you in the driving seat in any inferno.”

But what about suggestions from critics that Mr Trump should simply stfu and let actual expert authorities handle the fire fighting?

”You mean rather than distracting resources in an emergency to fend off the nonsense from an old man who clearly knows sod all about fire fighting, but is tweeting away regardless?”

Something like that.

”Don’t even try it. You can’t retard Trump when he’s burning up twitter. If you try he’ll just get hot under the collar.”

We look forward to seeing Trump in action the next time there’s an emergency.

Drumpf Fire Fighting Consultancy – a Twitter based inferno of idiocy, burning America’s reputation to the ground.

No one is very happy about this, especially not the priests dwelling within the sanctified corridors of the Chapel of the Holy Shroud, Piedmont, Italy. No one is very happy about this except Donald Trump. Which is how he likes it.

Overnight the President of the United States of America took himself onto social media, and spread himself all over it, to make his latest claim in a life of increasingly bizarre claims.

”It’s me. It’s me. Not many people know this. But it’s me. They’ve done the tests. They all know it’s me. They don’t want to tell you that folks. But they know it’s me.”

POOTUS repeated this statement for an hour. No one was clear what he was talking about, not that it matters at this point, that’s not the point. The point is confusion. Imbalance. Keeping open a space to drag his corpulent ego through like Jabba the Hut getting his daily mile in, slime trail in his wake.

“They’re going to have to come clean,” Trump continued, “They’ve been lying to all of you. The fake news media. The scientists. What do they know? I know what I know and you know I know that you know what I know!”

Here he paused. Speculation is he was confused and exhausted by the construction of such a long sentence. But as surely as norovirus boarding a cruise ship, he continued.

”It’s my face. Look closely folks. It’s me. It’s a sign. That dish cloth they keep in that little church in Italy, with the face on it? That’s my face. It’s a sign people. It won’t wash off. Oooo they try to wash my face off. But it won’t come off.”

And he wasn’t finished with the subject.

”I’m going to buy it. I am going to have Melania wash it. By hand. With soap. Maybe a little bleach. Then I’m going to frame it and hang it in the Oval Office. You’ll see. It’s me. I’ll even take a DNA test if you want. I’ll prove it’s me.”

The keepers of the Shroud of Turin are yet to comment. But reliable reports say one of the priests was overheard saying “bollocks’, which translates into English as ‘bollocks’, which is nice.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shroud_of_Turin

Well known steam punk enthusiast and world destroyer, Darth Vader, has given a rare televised interview today.

Appearing after a summit with a self publicising Earthling, Vader wanted to ensure the result of their discussion was broadcast widely.

“I’ve said over and over, I’ll take a paternity test,” Darth Vader stated, “anything to prove that bumbling cockwomble is not my son. I’ll even go on the Jeremy Kyle Show. Whatever is needed!”

While the matter of the familial relationship between Mr Trump and Darth Vader may still be up for dispute, with many pundits suggesting the dark lord doth protest too much, no one seems to be agreeing with Trump’s blithe acceptance of Vader’s explanation for what happened to Alderaan.

“He told me, he really did,” the President of the USA told anyone who would listen,

“he said Donald, I wish you were my son. He said he’d even adopt me. We could build big, big spaceships together. Trump Cruises? Do you like the sound of that? We’ll have people work on it to make it catchier. He really loves me. I don’t blame him. You know the Emperor wouldn’t employ him unless he promised to work with me. Great, great things are happening in outer space. Not many people know this, but I’m from there.”

But what of the widely broadcast accusation that Vader destroyed Alderaan and it was as if millions of voices cried out as one in anguish before being suddenly extinguished?

”He said he didn’t do it,” Trump shrugged, “and I believe him. Why would he lie? I’m a walking lie detector. No one lies better than me.  I’ll even let him take over my Space Force. We can rule the universe like father and son. Big, big things are happening in the universe. There so much of it. And he’s definitely my father. The resemblance is obvious.”

Not really, Vader has arguably a lot more conscience.