Category: Donald Trump

ARRESTABLE DEDONALDMENT : A new study by boffins with smart machines has found that reality TV star, and part time US president, Donald Trump speaks at more than double his mental age.

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-language-level-speaking-skills-age-eight-year-old-vocabulary-analysis-a8149926.html?fbclid=IwAR1XCeaPXqkz38UOzuo8invdpy-5hD1ynYTxjUm5iyaRYskLYIIESkkhy9M

“You would have thunk he had a chance at placing better than Dubya, but he’s even come under that famously low bar,” our Trumpistan correspondent reports back, “but it’s still a very good effort for Trump, who clearly stopped both emotional and intellectual development somewhere around potty training, or perhaps even earlier.”

The study itself was focused on the words used without the help of a TelePrompTer or speech writer. Just the raw person showing through.

”Trump will probably be proud of himself,” our correspondent muses, “as he won’t be able to sit still long enough to read the analysis, so one of his handlers will make something up and write it out in big letters with a marker pen. Donald can then put that on Twitter as a boast. Bigly with words. Just the bestest, most specialist with silly bills. Something like that.”

But while the lack of big words in the most powerful toddler on Earth’s vocabulary wouldn’t necessarily mean much, if emotionally he wasn’t so underdeveloped, it does tally with the claims he’s a giant child having an endless tantrum.

Quite how Mr Trump will express his feelings over the findings isn’t clear, but it will presumably involve scat.

The verbal study is to be followed up by one comparing body language while giving public speeches to crowds, with the body language of the 20th century’s fascist leaders. On that Trump is expected to score a Mussolini.

TRUMP LA LA : News reports are fizzing on the wires this evening that a man caught at Washington DC airport with half a kilo of white supremacy under his toupee maybe a famous reality TV star turned political activist.

”The man’s hair was obviously glued on,” our airport security correspondent reports, “and it was so badly glued on he drew everyone’s attention immediately. It was an incredibly stupid attempt to smuggle so much white supremacy onto a plane.”

But it wasn’t just the ridiculous hair that drew the attention of law enforcement officers.

”He was clearly off his rocker,” our correspondent continues, “proclaiming loudly ‘I’ve the greatest hair. Just the greatest hair. Nobody ever seen hair so great. Here, just watch me tweet about it’ and other absurd statements directly contradicted by the naked eye. But when he started ranting at how people without pure, aryan hair should just get on a plane and go back to where they came from, well, the gig was up.”

The individual in question was taken to a secure search area, and that only made things worse.

”He tried to search the officers. He kept saying he was famous, he could do what he wanted. It was only the black strip of cloth that he had tied across his face that prevented his early identification.”

Apparently the eye mask was left in place as no one could stomach looking in his eyes, but the toupee was searched.

”It was grim. There were numerous KKK members jammed under there burrowing into his curdled, overheating brain. Some white sheets. Crosses. Petrol. Matches. Copies of memoirs by famous fascists of the first half of the 20th century. And just all sorts of racist garbage.”

He was caught tiny handed and bang to rights.

”The court of public opinion has already found him guilty,” our correspondent adds, “only the most pathetic of political leaders won’t follow suit. Men like Boris Johnson and Jeremy Hunt.”

DOG WHISTLING DONALD : The leaders of Scotland and Germany have signed a joint letter today telling Donald Trump not to go back where he came from.

The diplomatic move was a result of Donald Trump doing his utmost, again, to drive white bedsheet sales upwards in his idea of the ideal America.

”The first minister and the chancellor both felt a chill run up their spines when they heard of Drumpf’s latest attempt to turn the USA into a replica 1930’s theme park,” a Holyrood insider told LCD Views, “then they felt it run down again when they realised what the result would be if he followed his own advice.”

But critics have been quick to point out that the two European leaders have perhaps been too hasty.

”Given that Trump, or Drumpf, has both Scottish and German ancestry he would have to divide himself in two to follow his own nasty advice,” one social commentator wrote, “so that would result in either a bloody mess no one will want to put back together, except for bedsheet sellers, or two smaller mini-me style Trump’s. They’d find it harder given the atmosphere of intolerance that Trump has fostered all over.”

But critics of the critics have turned to a noted cell biologist to counter the critics.

”It’s a terrible idea,” a noted cell biologist said, “Trump is a single cell organism. Like a virus or a bacteria. The last thing the world needs is him dividing in two. He’d go on and multiply right out of the Petri dish and we’d find him all over.”

TRUMPANIA : The United Kingdom’s executive has issued fresh guidance for diplomats posted in the United States today as the furore over Darroch’s too honest description of Trump’s administration rages.

“A telegram was sent to all outposts in the former colony,” an FCO source told LCD Views, “by order of Downing Street. This is to ensure the return of a special relationship, so, so special, between the two former allies.”

The guidance, containing better words than the words we had before, has been issued because it’s infeasible to expect Brexiters won’t continue to leak confidential communication to the press. And if the leaker is found, they’ll probably be protected, as it will be deemed to be too ‘politically sensitive’ to bring the law to bear on them. That’s because we don’t appear to want to do rule of law anymore. What will you sacrifice for Brexit?

“They have to destroy all semblance of a modern, functioning, accountable government,” the source shrugged, “all SO they can achieve their dream of returning the UK to a feudal state.”

Touchstone words like ‘inept’ are to be replaced now by better compound ones such as ‘alt-competence’.

“There’s also ‘post-functional’ instead of dysfunctional. ‘Neo-intelligence’ in place of ‘thick as pigshit’. The list will be added to each time the special, working committee set up to deal with the Darroch incident invents a new word or compound.”

There’s also guidance for descriptive phrases to use in place of more direct speech.

“Works well independently, that’s a good one for someone who is incapable of being a team player. You’ll be lucky to get them to work for you, another cracker. We all know what they mean. Self-starter with a vivid imagination. It’s for the best.”

The diplomatic row is expected to carry on for a few days. At least until Donald Trump gauges that the press attention over his alleged child sex trafficking mate Epstein has cooled down some.

“Boris Johnson can help throw oil on troubled waters too,” the source added, “once he takes office as Prime Minister. After he throws oil onto the troubled waters he’ll accidentally flick a lit match to it.”

Global Britain. It is a silly place.

THE SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP IN SPECIAL MEASURES: President Donald Trump is on the war path today after a leak from the U.K. Foreign Office showed we employ honest ambassadors. But no one is supposed to know about it.

“What U.K. ambassador Kim Carrot said about me and my administration is unpresidented,” Mr Trump told reporters, while inspecting the vintage B52’s used to defeat Lord London’s forces at the Battle of Lex Luther and Concord on the 1st April 1775.

”Did you know the French named a super fast aeroplane after the battle of Concord. They were so impressed. So, so amazed by our magnificent men in their flying machines. We discovered the sky. We really did. Before our air corps attacked the British tea plantations at Boston no one had looked up before. Only down.”

But it wasn’t just the U.K. Ambassador in the firing line of Donald Trump’s 18th century stealth bombers. The put up leak job by the Brexiters also pulled Air Marshall Theresa May in for a strafing.

”I told Ms May that she should have built a wall in the English Channel and told the EU to pay for it. That way they couldn’t get out of Europa to reach America across the Transatlantic Ocean. But she doesn’t listen. Not like my good friend Kim Jong-un. He says my concentration camps are first class. Not many people know that. The lying media won’t tell you how he sings the praises of me keeping kids in cages.”

But who will now replace the UK’s ambassador to the USA? It’ll have to be someone he is certain he can deal with.

”Chris Grayling will be amazed at my efficiency,” Donald Trump himself announced his first pick, “if I’m inept, what the hell is he?”

It was a moment of surprising clarity.

Peach coloured presidential primate Donald Trump has hit back at accusations of being inept and insecure. I’m not uncompetent, claims the Ralph Wiggum of international politics.

“I’m not unsecure either!” he tweeted from the presidential toilet. “I’m the most secure guy ever, I’m so secure I don’t need the security forces trying to secure me. I want to break free!”

Trump soon warmed to his theme, sending off a barrage of tweets defending his record. “FAKE NEWS ALERT!! People say I’m unept. Well, that’s the Dems for you! In fact I’m the mostest eptest person in the world! I’m simply the ept, epter than all the rest!”

He went on to list his achievements, some of which actually had a grain of truth in them. All in a totally not insecure fashion, of course.

“I was actually the first man on the moon,” he tweeted. “But I let Neil Armstrong take the glory, because I’m such a modest guy. I’m the most modest, humble guy you will ever meet! One small step? Giant steps are what you take, walking on the moon!”

He mentioned his Mexican wall, naturally. “The wall is nearly complete! It’s bigly, bestly and covfefe,” read a gnomic missive sent in the middle of the night. “I go and help out all the time, even though I ain’t got no time! It’s just another brick in the wall.”

He couldn’t quite duck his low approval ratings, though. “It’s a which hunt!” he blasted. “A conspiracy! RESIDENTIAL HARRASMENT! Crooked Obama’s ratings were lower! The only way is up!”

The infamous shutdowns got a mention, too. “I have the longest shutdowns, nobody has a longer shutdown than me, but don’t ask Stormy Daniels, she has never seen my shutdown,” he dribbled. “It’s good, a long one, no need to pay people for not working. Money for nothing, chicks for free!”

Then, I suppose he does work eight days a week.

DUMBER COMMAND : Flash President Donald Trump has dedicated a new memorial to the colonial Hawkmen who defeated the RAF in the American War of Independence.

The memorial, in the form of a giant Brian Blessed in aerial drag, has been erected under the orders of Donald Trump on the land in front of the Lincoln Memorial, mostly obscuring it from view.

”I have invited the leader of the Hawkmen, that great American hero, Flash Gordon to dinner at the White House to celebrate the sacrifices of himself and his men in the Battle of Merciless Ming over the Bay of Washington in 1777,” Trump told a small gathering, after giving his nurse the slip, “just the greatest cheeseburgers. And fries. Lots and lots of fries. It will be a great, great meal.”

And it won’t just be the food that will be memorable.

”My daughter Ivanka will mingle with the Hawkmen offering anecdotes about her work as Secretary of State. Just the greatest stories. The way she waves her hands make me proud. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. It falls into the tree’s lap.”

But historians have been quick to point out that Flash Gordon didn’t lead the Hawkmen in battle against the RAF.

”The Hawkmen weren’t formed as an official aerial militia until the mid-twentieth century,” a famous historian said, “so it’s possible Trump has both the forces involved, the technology, the combatants, the war itself and the dates confused.”

Others have been less kind and suggested that with Trump as Commander in Chief America has temporarily replced Bomber Command with Dumber Command.

THE PAST IS A FOREIGN COUNTRY : News today that the Abraham Lincoln memorial in Washington has been caged for the entirety of the 4th of July, so Abraham Lincoln can’t escape President Donald Trump’s military parade.

”It’s Lincoln’s fault,” a spokesman for the Trump White House, A Spinchter, told LCD Views, “he turns up each morning on the lawn outside the President’s office. Trump has to go out and shout at him to go away. He’s very judgemental of Donald Trump. He doesn’t understand how hard Trump fights for freedom.”

Suggestions that Abraham Lincoln isn’t actually leaving the memorial to walk about and upset Trump have been dismissed.

”The President isn’t dreaming this. Lincoln actually does this. He needs to be restrained. The last time he turned up he said ‘Four score and seven years ago Donald Trump bankrupted his first casino’. It’s disrespectful.”

But there won’t be any such shows of disrespect for Trump’s military parade to celebrate Independence Day, with the cage now being fitted and locked about the memorial.

”We’ve gagged Lincoln too. If he starts banging on about equality of all people and how they had a whole civil war about the evils of white supremacism, well Trump will probably lose it. Right when he wants to see the big shiny guns fired.”

It’s believed Trump is close to a Twitter storm targeted at Lincoln, but is holding off until he can find Abe’s twitter handle. He may in fact have already blocked Trump to save himself the irritation of Trumpster pile ons.

”Once the parade is over we’ll take the cage away. After that Ivanka will talk to Mr Lincoln. He’s sure to listen to what she has to say.”