Category: Donald Trump

HEAVY WITH EXPECTATION : Exciting announcements today from both sides of the big pond as Donald Trump and Boris Johnson agree to hold a joint impeachment shower.

“It shows what mavericks they are,” our embedded Johnson reporter says, “it can’t be a coincidence that they held cosy conversations in private just yesterday and today the big announcement.”

“Donald can’t believe his luck,” a correspondent closely following events in the White House also reported back, “even now he’s still incredibly excited. He doesn’t really believe it. Mostly because he’s batshit crazy and going senile, twinned with a sociopathic personality disorder.”

And well wishers are encouraged to join in the celebrations by visiting an online gift register and choosing something predetermined by the expectant couple.

“All the classics are there. Hand knitted booties, scarves and gloves, as it can get cold in the courtyard of any penitentiary,” our reporter continues, “but there’s also some uniques choices, while still respecting tradition. Homemade cakes with files baked inside. Skeleton keys. Burner phones, in peach or peach. Unbreakable codes for the times when you’ve something special to say. Offshore bank accounts in jurisdictions that respect privacy. It’s quite an exhaustive list.”

It’s not clear what date exactly the impeachments will arrive bouncing and squalling into the light, but all over the world avid watchers of the norm busting pair have clasped their hands together and are praying.

“Imagine a world in which both these tyrannosaurus wrecks are walking up and down the hall of a night, little baby impeachments drooling bile down their backs?” one fan, supportive of a restitution of the norms of liberal, representative democracy posted online, “I can’t wait for them to go into labour. Both of them. And I hope it’s hard.”

WHAT THE DRUMPF : The Danish Prime Minister, Hands Christian Andersen, has deliberately put himself in the sights of Donald Trump’s twitter rants today after giving Greenland to President Obama.

“It was the only sensible response to President Trump’s cancellation of his planned state visit next month,” the Danish foreign secretary, A A Vikin, told LCD Views during a telephone call that definitely happened.

Donald Trump cancelled the long scheduled trip to embarrass himself in Denmark via Twitter, of course, after the Danish PM said they wouldn’t be willing to sell the raving, orange faced lunatic the big green island.

But as a result of the diplomatic furore there are reports of mass, spontaneous street celebrations occurring in towns and cities across Denmark.

“Also on the Øresund Bridge which joins Denmark and Sweden,” the foreign minister advised, “Swedes are joining us in partying out of relief that Mr Trump will not now make an unscheduled visit fo their land while embarrassing himself in Denmark.”

President Obama has so far remained tight lipped about the sudden expansion in his property portfolio. It is expected thought that he will accept the keys to Greenland in a ceremony next month.

What flag Obama will fly over his new island isn’t yet clear either. But rumours suggest the Danish PM has requested an actual photo of Obama smiling is the obvious choice to base the design on. Just to wind up Trump even more.

There is an American military base on the island. Early reports suggest the men and women stationed in there are taking the day off to breathe a big sigh of relief at the change in their commander in chief.

The reaction from the British foreign office to the spat between two of the UK’s allies has been muted.

“That’s because Dominic Raab is still trying to work out why Greenland is white.”

BY HIS DEEDS WILL HE BE KNOWN : Donald Trump’s 2020 campaign for a second term as President of the United States was looking on solid ground today after a leak from camping headquarters revealed some fresh thinking.

“We need to build on the evangelical vote, you know the one, it’s the same as the hypocrisy vote,” an email between campaign strategists, leaked to the media, revealed, “I think we should take advantage of popular culture and lift something from The Handmaid’s Tale. MAGA, Make America Gilead Again.”

The revised slogan is certainly catchy and maps out what the second term of the Trump administration is likely to achieve.

But there was more in the email, the authentic of which has so far has not been denied by the Trump camp.

“It’s all very well using old books like 1984 and Animal Farm and My Struggle as guidebooks for reshaping America, but we need modern texts too. Especially one written by a woman. This will help secure the religious housewife vote.”

It’s not yet clear how much of the guidebook the Trump team intends to turn into policy, but it’s reasonable to assume a fair old whack of it!

“We should also give serious consideration to having ‘Under His Eye’ printed on the US presidential seal, and any other marine mammals that polls show are popular.”

But don’t think Ivanka and Melania have been left out of the planning. They’re pegged to run re-education camps for young, fertile women, so they understand their job in Gilead will be to breed. And that’s all. Well, certain domestic duties too of course.

Under his eye. Make America Gilead Again. Let’s wait until Trump tries to spell Gilead in a tweet.

YOU’VE GOT TO HAVE FAITH : Striking historical conclusions from across the pond today with the discovery that the medieval religious crusades would have been peaceful if the opposing combatants involved had more faith.

The unique line of thinking follows an exhaustive search for an answer to how best to stop the horrific and never ending roller coaster of death in the USA resulting from allowing insecure man children to arm themselves to the teeth just to go to Starbucks.

This is a separate debate to hunting, given that the countries that have successfully stopped the frequent occurrence of mass public shootings still allow hunters to hunt with hunting rifles.

”Look, my hobby is semi-automatic guns. Guns. Lots of guns. This is mangled into an insecurity inside I don’t want to face and masked further with a creation myth. I don’t care how many people I don’t know are gunned down in cold blood because my selfish pleasure is more important.” One honest social media commentator said.

The less honest ones, the religious types, put the finger on a lack of faith. This is based on the widely accepted belief that God owns thousands of semi-automatic rifles for his own self defence.

”Look at all the religious conflicts down through time? If only those involved had believed more in their chosen sky daddy they wouldn’t have fought to begin with,” our gun nut cracker cracked, “it is actually feasible. Especially if you consider the inspiration for the crusades to the Holy Land. What would Jesus have done? Probably not sent tens of thousands of religious fanatics armed with swords to chop people into pieces for the sake of some real estate.”

The unending cycle of death in the USA does point to the success of gun lobbyists though. Manipulating a willing public to act against their best interests and believe it’s the right thing to do.

We’re currently experiencing a similar psychology con act for profit on this side of the pond. It’s become our current system of government.

ARRESTABLE DEDONALDMENT : A new study by boffins with smart machines has found that reality TV star, and part time US president, Donald Trump speaks at more than double his mental age.

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-language-level-speaking-skills-age-eight-year-old-vocabulary-analysis-a8149926.html?fbclid=IwAR1XCeaPXqkz38UOzuo8invdpy-5hD1ynYTxjUm5iyaRYskLYIIESkkhy9M

“You would have thunk he had a chance at placing better than Dubya, but he’s even come under that famously low bar,” our Trumpistan correspondent reports back, “but it’s still a very good effort for Trump, who clearly stopped both emotional and intellectual development somewhere around potty training, or perhaps even earlier.”

The study itself was focused on the words used without the help of a TelePrompTer or speech writer. Just the raw person showing through.

”Trump will probably be proud of himself,” our correspondent muses, “as he won’t be able to sit still long enough to read the analysis, so one of his handlers will make something up and write it out in big letters with a marker pen. Donald can then put that on Twitter as a boast. Bigly with words. Just the bestest, most specialist with silly bills. Something like that.”

But while the lack of big words in the most powerful toddler on Earth’s vocabulary wouldn’t necessarily mean much, if emotionally he wasn’t so underdeveloped, it does tally with the claims he’s a giant child having an endless tantrum.

Quite how Mr Trump will express his feelings over the findings isn’t clear, but it will presumably involve scat.

The verbal study is to be followed up by one comparing body language while giving public speeches to crowds, with the body language of the 20th century’s fascist leaders. On that Trump is expected to score a Mussolini.

TRUMP LA LA : News reports are fizzing on the wires this evening that a man caught at Washington DC airport with half a kilo of white supremacy under his toupee maybe a famous reality TV star turned political activist.

”The man’s hair was obviously glued on,” our airport security correspondent reports, “and it was so badly glued on he drew everyone’s attention immediately. It was an incredibly stupid attempt to smuggle so much white supremacy onto a plane.”

But it wasn’t just the ridiculous hair that drew the attention of law enforcement officers.

”He was clearly off his rocker,” our correspondent continues, “proclaiming loudly ‘I’ve the greatest hair. Just the greatest hair. Nobody ever seen hair so great. Here, just watch me tweet about it’ and other absurd statements directly contradicted by the naked eye. But when he started ranting at how people without pure, aryan hair should just get on a plane and go back to where they came from, well, the gig was up.”

The individual in question was taken to a secure search area, and that only made things worse.

”He tried to search the officers. He kept saying he was famous, he could do what he wanted. It was only the black strip of cloth that he had tied across his face that prevented his early identification.”

Apparently the eye mask was left in place as no one could stomach looking in his eyes, but the toupee was searched.

”It was grim. There were numerous KKK members jammed under there burrowing into his curdled, overheating brain. Some white sheets. Crosses. Petrol. Matches. Copies of memoirs by famous fascists of the first half of the 20th century. And just all sorts of racist garbage.”

He was caught tiny handed and bang to rights.

”The court of public opinion has already found him guilty,” our correspondent adds, “only the most pathetic of political leaders won’t follow suit. Men like Boris Johnson and Jeremy Hunt.”

DOG WHISTLING DONALD : The leaders of Scotland and Germany have signed a joint letter today telling Donald Trump not to go back where he came from.

The diplomatic move was a result of Donald Trump doing his utmost, again, to drive white bedsheet sales upwards in his idea of the ideal America.

”The first minister and the chancellor both felt a chill run up their spines when they heard of Drumpf’s latest attempt to turn the USA into a replica 1930’s theme park,” a Holyrood insider told LCD Views, “then they felt it run down again when they realised what the result would be if he followed his own advice.”

But critics have been quick to point out that the two European leaders have perhaps been too hasty.

”Given that Trump, or Drumpf, has both Scottish and German ancestry he would have to divide himself in two to follow his own nasty advice,” one social commentator wrote, “so that would result in either a bloody mess no one will want to put back together, except for bedsheet sellers, or two smaller mini-me style Trump’s. They’d find it harder given the atmosphere of intolerance that Trump has fostered all over.”

But critics of the critics have turned to a noted cell biologist to counter the critics.

”It’s a terrible idea,” a noted cell biologist said, “Trump is a single cell organism. Like a virus or a bacteria. The last thing the world needs is him dividing in two. He’d go on and multiply right out of the Petri dish and we’d find him all over.”

TRUMPANIA : The United Kingdom’s executive has issued fresh guidance for diplomats posted in the United States today as the furore over Darroch’s too honest description of Trump’s administration rages.

“A telegram was sent to all outposts in the former colony,” an FCO source told LCD Views, “by order of Downing Street. This is to ensure the return of a special relationship, so, so special, between the two former allies.”

The guidance, containing better words than the words we had before, has been issued because it’s infeasible to expect Brexiters won’t continue to leak confidential communication to the press. And if the leaker is found, they’ll probably be protected, as it will be deemed to be too ‘politically sensitive’ to bring the law to bear on them. That’s because we don’t appear to want to do rule of law anymore. What will you sacrifice for Brexit?

“They have to destroy all semblance of a modern, functioning, accountable government,” the source shrugged, “all SO they can achieve their dream of returning the UK to a feudal state.”

Touchstone words like ‘inept’ are to be replaced now by better compound ones such as ‘alt-competence’.

“There’s also ‘post-functional’ instead of dysfunctional. ‘Neo-intelligence’ in place of ‘thick as pigshit’. The list will be added to each time the special, working committee set up to deal with the Darroch incident invents a new word or compound.”

There’s also guidance for descriptive phrases to use in place of more direct speech.

“Works well independently, that’s a good one for someone who is incapable of being a team player. You’ll be lucky to get them to work for you, another cracker. We all know what they mean. Self-starter with a vivid imagination. It’s for the best.”

The diplomatic row is expected to carry on for a few days. At least until Donald Trump gauges that the press attention over his alleged child sex trafficking mate Epstein has cooled down some.

“Boris Johnson can help throw oil on troubled waters too,” the source added, “once he takes office as Prime Minister. After he throws oil onto the troubled waters he’ll accidentally flick a lit match to it.”

Global Britain. It is a silly place.