Category: Donald Trump

INK’D INTO HISTORY : THE DEVIL HIMSELF has reacted swiftly to the totally legitimate acquittal of US President (for life) Donald Trump, and moved to make a change that’s more than symbolic.

“It’s not my work,” the Devil said, commenting on the swift wrapping up of the impeachment trial of Mr Drumpf, “although I wish it was. To see a trial with no witnesses called, because they can’t be for fear of proof of guilt, that’s a masterpiece right there. And to have so many of the jurors announce, before the trial had even started, that they’d settled on an innocent verdict of someone so unashamedly guilty? Magnificent. America! F*ck Yeah!”

And while the endorsement of the trial’s outcome by the Lord of Lies isn’t surprising, it has raised a few eyebrows.

“It certainly seems to have stuffed up the libtard snowflakes,” the Devil continued, “many of them seemed to believe that Mr Trump was me. Touchingly naive. No. No. I just extended Donald a line of credit in exchange for his one immortal asset [dreamy smile]. As soon as he started caging kids I knew he was making America just the kind of great I want it to be. Not to mention all the misogyny and nepotism. It really is refreshing to see someone do so much of your work for you, and for so little in return.”

But what about rumours that the Devil is making a change as a result of the trial’s outcome?

“Yes, 52/48? It really is a magical number. Just look at Brexit and now the Senate result favouring Donnie. Clearly 52/48 is more powerful than 666. So I’m updating the tattoo on my forehead accordingly. 52/48 all the way!”

SIMPLE SOLUTIONS TO COMPLEX PROBLEMS : World famous climate scientist, presidential hobbyist and aspiring golfer, Donald Trump, has stunned Davos.

“Everyone already knows Mr Trump has a mind like a taser, not that you’d know from how he carries himself, just from the unexpectedly shocking things he says,” our Davos insider comments, “he’s not one to blow his own trumpet. Although I think he could if he took up yoga. He’s such a natural athlete.”

But Mr Trump’s athleticism is not what’s causing the stir.

“It’s climate change,” our Davos correspondent goes on, “he’s hit on a simple solution that will solve it. This has been appreciated by the other world leaders, megalomaniacs and billionaires who were too busty scratching their heads over what happened to the Paris Accord to do it.”

And the solution itself is not a new one, for humans faced with certain threat. But it has taken a genius to apply it to climate.

“At first Mr Trump thought about threatening Climate Change with nuclear war over Twitter. He discarded that as too explosive. Then he thought about doing a deal with it to get it to change back. But while combing his crazed hair with his tiny hands he remembered climate change caused that. So he didn’t want to be in the same room as it. It was then he had the lightbulb moment.”

What is it?

“It’s a fairly standard way of lighting interiors since the late 19th century. I would have thought you’d have heard of it.”

No. Not light bulbs. Trump’s solution to climate change?

“Oh, he’s going to build a wall to stop it and get Greta Thunberg to pay for it.”

CLOSE CALL : THE WHITE HOUSE was almost in nuclear level meltdown this week after US President Donald Trump’s pet Goldfish (called ‘Just the greatest gold fish, you’ve never seen a gold fish so gold, not many people know this, but this is the goldest goldfish’, or ‘Fish’ for short) died.

The fish itself is believed to have been a gift from a well wisher for one of Donald Trump’s children, but he liked it so much he kept it for himself. In an oval fish tank, on his desk, a tank with no corners.

“While the rumour regarding Fish’s origins is well known, it’s not true,” a White House warden told LCD Views, on the condition of anonymity, “he was bought the fish by FLOTUS Melania after her therapist recommended it. The thinking being that if Mr Trump could learn to care for a gold fish, he might learn to care for bigger things? A pretty dodgy line of thinking, if you ask me. It’s unlikely he has the mental age for such a serious responsibility.”

However, the timely replacement of Fish is thought to have had global implications, with staff racing to the nearest aquarium shop while Mr Trump was distracted by golf. Oh, and the Iran crisis. He was definitely paying attention to that too. He wasn’t eating a cheeseburger in the toilet the whole time, ranting on Twitter.

“Mr Trump would probably have launched an air strike against whatever rogue state he decided assass…asshat..assassineted…killed Fish. But with Fish 2nd in the oval bowl catastrophe was averted.”

But how come the staff were able to fool a man who describes his own brain as the greatest brain?

“Fish 2nd looks almost exactly the same as Fish 1st, I don’t think he’s sat still long enough to notice any difference. Although there was a tense moment when Fist 1st was flushed down the Oval Office toilet, in case Mr Trump walked in and noticed.”

SHORT LIST OF HARD TARGETS JUST GOT SHORTER : THE UNITED STATES CONGRESS is to take a determined step this week to prevent another mad conflagration beginning in the Middle East.

The move is in reaction to the threats by tantrum thrower in chief, Donald ‘dummy’ Trump, to blow up the cultural heritage of EyeRan, I Run, Eran? Or however the hell you spell it.

The motivation for the belligerence is obvious. He’s on trial in the Senate.

“It’s funny when you think about it,” a White House insider told LCD Views, “just a couple of years ago a murderous religious sect, IS, was tearing about the Middle East blowing up precious, irreplaceable archaeology and we were all justifiably horrified. And now today? The actual President of the United States is threatening to do the same over Twitter! And there’s no question of removing him from his post over it? Mad times. Just batshit. I guess this is what you get when you elect a man to the highest office who’s on tape boasting about sexual assault. Well done America. Really setting the standard.”

How the Senate will move to protect the world’s cultural heritage is obvious.

“They’re aiming to pass a new law limiting the powers of the Commander in Chief to start wars, or even just attack places. Simple when you think about it. Give Donnie Drumpf a test so hard he can’t pass it.”

And what form will the test take?

“Oh, they’re going to make it illegal for Trump to order an attack on anywhere he can’t spell. This will limit his range of targets to buildings with the name ‘Trump’ on them. But they won’t be on the list either, because no one anywhere is mad enough to consider them cultural heritage.”

GET WAR DONE : Boris Johnson is reported to be absolutely livid with his boss Donald Trump. The anger occurred after hearing the news of Trump’s lethal drone strike against a very busy Iranian general few had heard of, until Trump ordered him blown up.

“It was good enough for Clinton to blow something up during impeachment proceedings, it’s good enough for Trump,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views,

“the choice of target is obvious. Clinton was allegedly only trying to deflect attention away from a blowjob, so he went small in scale, if not in unintentional impact. Trump is trying to distract from an accusation of criminality on a massive scale. He went really big. Potentially WW3 big. Which is something we can all be thankful for. Imagine if America had decided having a racist, sex offending sociopath, clearly off his fucking rocker, as president was just a bad idea, and had gotten rid of him by now?”

We can imagine.

“We’re completely baffled though why Trump didn’t tell us he was going to do it? I thought we were bigly friends? Just the greatest friends. You’ve never seen friends so bigly,” the source added,

“and let me tell you folks, the UK under Johnson is really important to Donald Trump. He must have been too busy at the time. It’s the only reason I can think of for him not telling us first. We’re so close. Real bosom buddies,

“and given the way his attack puts the lives of hundreds of British personnel in danger, there’s no way he wouldn’t tell us first without a good reason. Because it’s not like he doesn’t give a shit and we’re daft to be cutting ourselves adrift from the EU and allying ourselves closely with a cheeto faced buffoon who will happily use us as sacrificial pawns as his insane regime crumbles into murderous insanity.”

But the air of confusion over the attack is rumoured to extend to the Foreign Office too.

Foreign Secretary, Dominic ‘the navigator’ Raab, is said to be completely flummoxed. He’s only just realised ‘Iran’ is more than a way to describe moving between two geographically different locations at speed, and on foot.”

But how will Mr Johnson react to the attack, its ramifications for British personnel and interests in the Middle East?

“He’s going to hide in a fridge,” the source shrugged, “standard protocol for a bully sensing danger. He’s advising British interests in the Middle East to do the same. Get hiding in a walk in done. There’s no situation which a game of hide and seek won’t solve. And he’s taking both Mustique and that other girl Carrie? They’re going to hide with him. He’ll find a way to pass the time until the mushroom clouds blow over.”

The East coast of Australia is on fire, and there seems to be no end to the devastation. But help is at hand. Climate change expert and top meteorologist Donald Trump has offered to help by nuking the fires.

“My thoughts and prayers are with the people of Austria,” Trump tweeted erroneously. “But be assured, America’s unclear capabilities are ready and waiting to come to your aid.”

It is well known that nukes can eliminate hurricanes, but forest fires? It would be like, well, fighting fire with fire, claimed inferno expert Chuck Waters.

“I hardly need to be an expert to tell you that Trump is, once again, talking bollocks,” said an exasperated Waters. “I’m afraid it’s that redneck attitude, that guns solve everything, isn’t it? Except that the President has biglier and betterer guns than everybody else.”

The counter from the President’s private restroom was immediate. “Donald Trump has seven degrees in meteriol… metroligery… weather,” he retorted. “This is a unclear WITCH HUNT by the wicked Dems! Trump knows best! But the Dems don’t care about the burning Austrians! Sad!”

Mystified Austrians have been reported as looking out at the snow-covered Alps, and wondering why Donald Trump was threatening to nuke them.

Meanwhile, the Australian government was too busy blaming the EU for the fires to respond to Trump.

Trump, having got into his stride, continued to troll the world with his disintegrating sense of reality. “The Austrians should have raked up their leaves,” he tweeted. “Falling leaves makes a forest fire much much worser, FACT!”

So would he concentrate his nuclear arsenal on the raked forests only?

“There are good fires and bad fires on both sides,” he replied enigmatically. “But as it’s Christmas I will nuke them all. Make Austria great again!”

The dreadful catastrophe may well be a harbinger of things to come worldwide, but with Donald Trump offering to nuke our problems, we can all sleep that little bit easier.

BIG GITS : The UK is celebrating being a modern winner today after news overnight (GMT – the only time that counts) that the country has resumed its now natural home at the top of the Global Idiocy Table.

“It’s a mixed blessing if I’m honest,” a Downing Street source commented, “well, I’m never honest, but you know what I mean. While it’s wonderful to be No. 1 in any international ranking, especially as we became the first official Idiocracy on the 24th June 2016, before the US Trumped us, there’s a concern it may not last very long.”

The concern centres on the likelihood that too many Republicans in the Senate will not allow the impeachment to succeed?

“Well there’s that. But there’s also Australia.”

What’s Australia got to do with anything? Are the Ashes on already? They’ve only just finished.

“No. It’s not cricket. But it does concern ashes.”

Nothing much is cricket at the moment. But what’s the ashes got to do with anything?

“It’s because Australia is in some sort of megablaze bushfire nightmare having re-elected a conservative government that doesn’t even know what climate is, let alone deny it. Plucky outsider that may seize the number one spot. Bloody Australians. Still so angry over all those convict jokes. Can’t they just let us have this without having to challenge it too?”

I think we’ll be okay. At least as far as heading up the Global Idiocy Table. Boris Johnson’s government is today going to promise to do everything in a mad fffing rush so it all goes tits up.

“And the Republicans are likely to vote to approve children in cages and keep Trump in office.”

That’s what we said.

“At least it shows I’m listening. And besides, even if they do remove Trump then we’ve got rapture Pence. He’ll probably kill us all.”

You realise this page is supposed to cheer people up?

“What? No one ever told me that.”

GIT.

“That means I’m a winner, right?”

Aren’t we all now? Australia better get itself a big, blonde boofhead as PM if they really want to compete.

FAIR HEARING : World Leader Donald Trump has drawn a Kremlin red line today regarding his impending impeachment.

Taking to Twitter to start his day, as is standard, be he in the Oval Office on the potty, a golf course or making a catastrophic strategic and humanitarian blunder by effectively freeing ISIS and green lighting the slaughter of civilians in Syria, it always involves Twitter.

Initially he tweeted about historical matters regarding the Salem Witch trials, and the associated merchandising opportunities, but he soon got personal.

“Russia! I will stand trial in Russia. If Im Peach and Mint think they can prove I comitteed o fences they have to do it in a neutered court. I want a fare heading. President Putin will ensure I get a good trial. Just the greatest trial. And best of all, it won’t be by fire. That way everyone will stay SAFE.”

But critics have expressed alarm at the demand.

“If he’s found guilty he won’t be happy, even in Russia,” LCD Views’ Whitehouse correspondent said, “the prison terms there tend to be very harsh and confiscating of personal wealth is standard. Also, he’s getting on, I’m not sure he’s up to hard labour in a Siberian prison camp? Surely it would be better that he’s tried at home? He may even be able to cut a plea deal and protect those he cares about most?”

Others however say it’s best he is tried in the home territory of his alleged backers, as they have better access to any information that maybe relevant to the prosecution. Also, there’s no loss of personal wealth to worry about as his money is allegedly not his own anyway.

POOTUS himself seemed to find a silver lining in the building drama though.

“The RATINGS WILL BE ASSTROONOMICAL. Just the greatest TV of ALL TIME. Better TV ratings even than SALE M! USA! USA! OJ and other fruit juices have nothing on me. And they’res NO GlOve to where! MAGA!”

At least he’s right about that. Regardless of where his impeachment trial takes place, the ratings are going to be massive.