Category: Donald Trump

A TISSUE A TISSUE (OF LIES) : THE UK’S GREATEST CONTEMPORARY BLONDE JOKE, BORIS JOHNSON, IS BELIEVED TO BE FEELING HOT UNDER THE COLLAR AGAIN.

The PM’s rising temperature has reportedly seen alleged fiancé Carrie Symonds scrambling, scrambling in the day bag she carries up and down flights of stairs in 10 Downing Street for the cartoon themed digital thermometer.

“It’s touch and go at the moment,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “Boris really likes the Hulk themed thermometer, but Carrie could only find the Power Ranger one. And he doesn’t really like the Power Rangers. He won’t eat his dinner if it’s served on the Power Rangers plate. Even Toy Story he’s a little adverse too, thinking Woody is a ‘girly swot’. It’s uncertain if Carrie will be able to monitor the giant man baby’s temperature adequately. She has given him a big dose of Calpol, which has only made him hyperactive. It’s manic here at the moment.”

The sources of potential re-infection for Mr Johnson are numerous, as he refuses to wear a mask when he is left at creche by Dom.

“I personally believe it’s because Donald Trump phoned him. Mr Trump has taken out most of the executive and support staff stateside. He’s that infectious. Doctors suspect any variety of contact with the orange super spreader is sufficient to cause infection. He’s just that contagious. So contagious. You’ve never seen a man so contagious before.”

It is likely that this dose of Covid-19 will not be as bad for the prime minister, as he should have one or two lingering antibodies from his first dose earlier this year.

“Maybe it’s not Covid again,” the source mused, “just any association with Mr Trump is now dangerous. He’s so unhinged. And Boris would be well advised to keep his social distance. In fact the entire world would be well advised to steer well clear of even Donnie’s tweets. You could catch anything between now and November 3rd.”

TOP OF THE CLASS: Bigly brained small handed alleged President of the USA Donald Trump has triumphed again. He claims to have gained the highest ever score on a covid test.

Normally, 100% is the highest mark attainable on a test. However, in view of the importance of the POTUS, it is believed that some extra hard tests were added.

“GREAT NEWS!” tweeted the triumphant Trump from his high security toilet facility. “I PASSED MY COVID TEST WITH THE HIGHEST EVER SCORE. 125%! THAT’S MORE THAN WASHINGTON, JEFFERSON AND THE GRASSY KNOLL! ALL HAIL THE POTTUS!”

The drivelling Donald droned on, electronically.

“BESTEST! BIGLIEST! BRAINYEST!”

Somebody must have rattled the orange onanist’s cage though, because the tone of his tweets transformed totally from triumph to tantrum.

“SOME SAY THAT YOU CAN’T GET 125% ON A COVID TEST!” he messaged. “WELL, I HAVE NEWS FOR THEM! I GOTTED THE YUGEST EVER SCORE EVER, AND THE LIEING DEMS ARE WELL JELL!”

Everyone, well almost everyone, knows that the covid test only produces three results: positive, negative, and inconclusive.

“POSITIVE! POSITIVE, YOU DELOODED LOONEY TOONS!” His Twitter account almost spat this drivel out. “POSITIVE 125%! MORE POSITIVER THAN ANYONE ELSE EVER! IT’S BASIC MATH, FOLKS!”

There are those who question both the physical and the mental health of the man with the nuclear codes. Naturally, Trump went on the offensive.

“I’M FITTER THAN A BUTCHERS DOG!” he insisted. “FITTER THAN ELEVENTY TWELVE BUTCHERS DOGS! AND CATS! AND MOUSES! I HAVE THE BRAIN OF A MAN HALF MY AGE AND HE’S NOT HAVING IT BACK! I NOT EVEN GOT A COVFEFE!”

That’s conclusive, then. Covid is the least of his worries. There can be nothing wrong with a man with no filter, no covfefe, and no idea how to turn off caps lock.

BREAKING: Trump’s application to join MENSA has been turned down. Again.

NON COMPOS POTUS : MANY have taken pot shots at Donald Trump since he was ‘elected’ POTUS, all on his own with no help from anyone else at all. But lately others are starting to re-evaluate how fair the criticisms are?

“Apart from the racism and the kids in cages Trump hasn’t put a foot wrong,” our legal eagle notes, “except for when faced with a ramp with a mild incline. Oh, and pandemic response, he doesn’t seem exactly a natural at that. But otherwise, he’s nailed it all. When you see him drinking water with TWO HANDS or one, you see leadership. Well, not so much leadership in the area of international diplomacy or climate change. Still, when you look at the rest of what he’s achieved in office you could well conclude Abraham Lincoln should be blasted off Mount Rushmore and Trump put up in his place.”

And while the list of what Trump made great in just four years is lengthy, especially in the field of red hat sales*, there’s one area where his genius is currently shining brighter than ever.

“Legally he’s a mastermind,” our analyst continues, “daily he plugs away at building his defence before any arrest and trial. It’s impossible to see him give a speech these days and not conclude that he is completely off his rocker. If you’re feeling sympathetic, you’ll plug for dementia. If you’re not, you’ll go for the pressures of the grift have finally driven him bonkers.”

Non compos mentis – Trump can claim it and who could gainsay it? Just look at his speeches, your honour.

*Made in China and not Russia, which is a surprise.

ALL THAT SLITHERS AND CRAWLS ON GOD’S GREEN EARTH : Donald Trump, Boris Johnson and Nigel Farage’s chum Steve Bannon has had his collar felt.

It appears international patriot and 1930’s tribute act, Bannon, has been arrested for fraud and money laundering. Which is a complete shock. Like, are you sitting down? Bannon is potentially a wrong-un? Race baiting, white supremacist Steve Bannon? Who has the smelling salts?!

“No one saw this coming,” agreed LCD View’s collars correspondent, “Mr Bannon, he’s basically some sort of superman, well, a hero to KKK, fascists, mafia types and anyone who seems to have had their soul stewed on high with a box of moral maggots for decades. Oh and he’s appears to be some sort of go between between certain political and business figures in the US and UK. But I’m sure nothing will come of it.”

But there is some good news following Mr Bannon’s arrest.

“He appears to have been arrested in connection to a racist wall crowdfunding project wherein racists donated money to build a wall. He’s accused of stealing money from that. If convicted he could become as famous as Al Capone. Even if he got down for tax evasion. Still, it’s all about money for these people. He’d like to go down in history. It’ll make him happy. As he sits there. For years. In prison. Rotting inside to out.”

But what now for the wall? Who will build it with one of its architects in prison.

“No one. It was always a grift. But there is good news for Mr Bannon.”

What’s that?

“He wanted other people to pay for one wall and now he looks like getting four walls all to himself for free.”

HOWLING WINDS OF FATE : President Trump has caused an upset in the field of modern military history today, by changing the course of it.

Speaking at a packed event, described by one journalist as a “Covid-19 superspreader, fundraiser” in theory to launch a range of plastic Trump action figurines, Mr Trump drifted off piste and into revisionary revelations.

“Not many people know this,” POTUS said, fingers pinched and poised dramatically above the podium, “but bone spurs can go viral just like the China flu.”

He was holding a Trump golf cart figurine at the time, in his other hand. He held it so well some in the audience were moved to applause.

“Look, I get in and out of the cart!” POTUS revealed the toy’s key feature.

“The little string that ties me to the seat of the golf cart is so I don’t get lost. Your children will love these. Get them for Christmas. If Joe Biden rigs the election and wins, there won’t be Christmas. Sleepy Joe hates Christmas. And Christians. There’s also a figurine of me as Jesus. Many people are amazed to see how much I look like Jesus. This one walks on water. You just press the big red button at the back and it inflates with natural gas.”

Once the President of the USA had finished playing with his toys, he got back to changing the course of history.

“This action man, he has bone spurs. Bone spurs are worse than cancer. Worse than Covid-19. Only the strongest survive. The Vietnam War was ended by bone spurs. Everybody got them. No one could move. I had them. I got a medal for how well I handled them. Maybe we can use bone spurs to defeat Covid. I’ll have my people look into it.”

The White House later released a follow up statement advising that “Mr Trump was not patient zero. The soldiers in Vietnam could not have caught bone spurs off Mr Trump as he wasn’t there at the time.”

Dastardly Donald Trump has decided on a total and complete shutdown of democracy. This will continue until he has completely got to the bottom of how elective democracy operates in the USA.

“There’s Mail-in Voting and Absentee Voting, and NOBODY knows what they mean!!!!” he tweeted from the presidential thunderbox. “This election will be the mostest fraudulentest of all time, so I want it delayed until I can work out what the hell is going on!!!!!!”

Some experienced Trump watchers are convinced that this is a cunning attempt to throw them off the scent.

“When the Donald starts throwing his toys out of his pram, it’s a sign he feels threatened,” explained brain science person Ed Cases. “In this case I imagine that he thinks that he is likely to lose the election.”

Somebody must have pressed Trump’s buttons, because minutes later he was stabbing his screen again.

“People are telling me this isn’t democratic!” he raged. “Well that’s fine because I’m not a democrat, I’m a republican! Witch hunt losers! Sad!”

A comment which was both very clever and very stupid. Not what we normally expect from a man who puts the Moron into oxymoron.

Moments later came another cryptic communication from the self proclaimed very stable genius.

“LAW AND ORDER!”

“His attention span is getting shorter,” observed Cases. “This is typical behaviour for aging psychopaths, and… sorry, I’ve forgotten what we were talking about.”

Shouting empty nonsense into the void is obviously not a sign of an unstable impulsive person unsuited to high office and fingers on the nuclear button.

Fortunately for the world, Trump has recently taken a bigly difficult intelligence test, on which even the most intelligent four year olds would probably have dropped a couple of marks.

So we can all sleep that little bit easier, as we nod off to the soothing words intoned by the most powerful man in earth:

Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV. Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV.

NEUROLOGICAL MATTERS : FEARS OF A RIFT TODAY BETWEEN THE MEDICAL COMMUNITIES OF THE UNITED KINGDOM AND GRATE BRITAIN’S UNGRATEFUL COLONY ACROSS THE ATLANTIC.

The furore appears to centre on a spat between medical researchers over which country is responsible for a brain eating amoeba currently forcing citizens in Florida to protest against wearing masks in the middle of the Covid-19 panic.

“It’s just like the Spanish Flu,” a representative of the UK’s medical research fraternity said, “it started in America and they pinned it on the Spanish. Well, we’re not letting them pull a fast one with the brain eating amoeba!”

The most obvious stateside example is of course President Donald Trump.

“That’s the amoeba’s greatest success at the moment,” the researcher continued, “to get itself elected the actual President of the United States? That’s a real WTF moment there. Actually it’s the biggliest achievement of any single celled organism except for the Conservatives, I mean the Coronaviruses. Not many people know this, but no single celled creature has ever achieved anything greater. And now look at the UK political landscape? Absolutely riddled with amoeba. The prime minister being the most obvious example, but it’s everywhere.”

But the Americans aren’t taking that lying down.

“Nigel Farage, the UK’s own Amoeba in Chief, famously visited Donald Trump after the Brexit victory in that rigged opinion poll. He carried it over here. Contrary to the claims of the British scientists the amoeba infects people and makes them do insane things. And you don’t have to look anywhere else than the reopening of English pubs in the middle of the Covid-19 pandemic to see that the UK government is completely riddled with it. I’d be surprised if there’s a single brain cell left uninfected.”

LCD Views is rightly famous in the field of medical research, especially amoeba, and we can draw a line under this debate right now by stating it’s bloody obvious both countries are currently riddled with it in government, and it doesn’t matter where it started, it matters that it’s ended.

Not a line that’s pleasing the UK’s research community, who simply point to the fact that the first electron x-rays of the creature show Donald Trump.

WHAT’S THE SOUND OF ONE HAND FLAPPING : Attendees at US President Donald Trump’s 1930’s tribute rallies are used to merchandising opportunities, but over the weekend at Tulsa a new line took centre stage.

“The decision to retail Trump brand sippy cups was taken by Mr Trump himself,” a small, swivel eyed sprite from a deep circle of Hell told LCD Views, “why just get the tee-shirt? When you can have an appropriately modelled cup to drink your kool aid from?”

Indeed.

“The cups are only available as sippy cups, the better to honour Mr Trump’s display of leadership where he drank a glass of water with one hand! What better qualification do you need for the man who has the nuclear codes?”

The water drinking performance has gone a long way to dispel rumours that Mr Trump is suffering from a degenerative neurological condition in addition to his narcissism, racism, rage, short attention span, sociopathy and all the rest. Look! Man in his seventies holds cup, drinks and doesn’t spill! Of course he had to throw it away after as he doesn’t have the coordination required to place it on a table.”

And while some may believe it’s unbecoming to focus on what is clearly now a disease, we won’t even use Mr Trump famously mocking a disabled reporter in his 2016 election campaign as a defence. After all, he did that with two hands.

“Do you want a famously stable genius, occupying arguably the most powerful public office in the world, to be hiding a disease that is slowly crippling him mentally? While he’s running for another term of office? Well, do you? It depends on how much MAGA you’ve got in your cup.”

THE 1930’S IS SO 2010’S AND 20’S : PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA and all round draft dodger, Donald Trump, has taken to Twitter to add a note of caution to the heavily armed protests occurring in America’s state legislatures.

“I just want everyone to know I know a lot about protesting limits to my personal freedoms to help people I don’t know,” the President began tweeting, shortly after 6am, “I know more about it than almost anyone. Ask anyone. I’ve been pro testing most of my life. Some say my whole life has been a test. And I’ve passed it folks. Flying colours. They tell me my colours are flying. I don’t know if they use an airline or a helicopter. I’m going to look into it.”

And with the intro over he got down to the meat(head) of the message.

“There’s nothing brown shirted about ordinary, patriotic, white American men invading state legislatures. It’s not at all like the early years of fascism in Germania. They have a right to take semi-automatic, military grade weapons into places where decisions are being made that decide if unarmed people live or die from the foreign flu. There’s nothing more American.”

But in spite of his relaxed attitude to the intimidation of law and order, he did have a note of warning.

“Just so long as no one kneels! If they start nealing it’s a threat! It’s basically terrorism. Threatening to take people’s knees is nasty. Knee caps are to be worn on your head. Or in your knees.”

In response the locally formed, rag tag, thick as pigshit militias said it’s okay, they were “only being sarcastic.”

Bring me sunshine: What do you get if you cross Donald Trump with Toilet Duck? The mangled syntax and incomprehensible gibbering of the President gives you a clue. It’s Donald Duck, of course, tweeting from the Trump Toilet.

Is this the man who swallowed a bottle of Harpic and went clean round the bend? He may be quackers, but at least he is spotless under the rim.

The man whose stream of consciousness witterings and twitterings now informs medical science, has his answer ready. Taken out of context? That’s Lamestream! Misspoke? That’s Fake News! No, Trump has all the best words. All the bigly words. All the bestest and bigliest words. All the right words, in a manner of speaking, but not necessarily in the right order.

“Nobody understands the mind of Trump!” exclaimed the POTUS during the press briefing he swore not to give. “I’m a genius, right? The very best genius. I have the biggest mind in the world, nobody has a biglier mind than what Trump does. I does not make mistakes, I say all the right words. All the right words, as my very good English friend Ernie Morecambe used to say. Not necessarily in the order right, that’s what the Fake News Media don’t get!”

This explains everything. It’s as clear as a lung that has been scrubbed with an injection of Windolene.

This development has been taken with a large pinch of salt by the Lamestream Media, and with a larger pinch of Shake ‘n’ Vac by the POTUS.

In future, all the President’s pronouncements must be filtered through the prism of Write What I Meant In Retrospect, Not What I Said. This is a black art at the best of times, which must now be thoroughly bleached. All to make the brutally fake tanned Trump look whiter than white.

Bigly brain, tiny hands, and short fat hairy legs.