Category: Donald Trump

REFRESH REFRESH : THE WORLD FAMOUS PRIORY CLINIC in London has begun accepting a new kind of addict.

“We treat a wide range of mental disorders, OCD, addictions and so on,” a Doctor claiming to work at the clinic told LCD Views, “with our peaceful, sweeping grounds and comfortable rooms in our beautiful Grade 1 listed building we’re well equipped to help patients find and achieve tranquillity.”

And tranquillity is currently in short supply all over the world as the US election result grinds itself out over days.

“We’re well placed to help people addicted to CNN,” the doctor continues, “we have removed all refresh buttons and capability from all digital devices on or in our grounds. We also have a bald eagle permanently aloft, which is trained to take down drones. Should any addict attempt to have a smart phone with a topped up data allowance dropped over the wall.”

The main place addicts are getting their hits appear to be the website below :

https://edition.cnn.com/election/2020/results/president?iid=politics_election_national_map#mapmode=call

“That website is really just a bit of old school weed. But importantly we are finding it is a gateway drug to the harder stuff,” the doctor warns, “patients often began using it recreationally late on the 3rd of November, but then proceeded to go for the crystal meth of erection results, which is the 24 hour news channel.”

https://edition.cnn.com/specials/live-cnni-uk

“If you are worried about anyone close to you. If you think they have developed compulsive refresh behaviour I would suggest you plug their ears so they can’t hear Key Race Alerts. That’s essentially like smoking crack. And once a user starts on that, without help, there’s little chance of them coming back.”

BODY DOUBLE EXPONENTIAL : OUTGOING US PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP received a welcome boost as polls began to open across America today as his alleged wife Melania Trump was filmed voting, again and again.

“There is no need to investigate this,” a White House staffer told LCD Views, “it’s merely a sign of the lingering strength of support for the Covid Spreader in Chief. And really we should be celebrating, it’s the first time Melania has enjoyed a multiple of anything while with Trump.”

But while the White House is surprisingly nonchalant about the footage, even more surprising given how concerned Donald Trump is with voter fraud, others are demanding to know how Melania did it? And will the ballots be voided?

“If Donald Trump has invented a teleportation device than he should tell us,” a keen Trump watcher said, as they ground their knuckles into their eyes, “as that would convince many that he is a very stable genius with the best brain.”

And it is conceivable that Mr Trump has invented a Star Trek style transportation system, clearly arousing from his Space Force programme.

“He’s already invented a time machine, we’ve been in the 1930’s for years now, steadily grinding on towards 1939. So why not teleportation?”

But the actual reason for the numerous incidences of Melania Trump filmed voting in dozens of places simultaneously is much more banal.

“Every Melania body double gets a vote,” our election analyst notes, “whether or not they go to vote in character is their personal choice.”

At what time today the actual Melania Trump will vote is unclear, with many believing she has already fled the USA and is back living anonymously in a village in Europe.

PRIME MAGA CHUMP STEAK : US PRESIDENT AND ALLY OF GLOBAL WARMING, DONALD ‘ORANGE’ TRUMP, HAS SIGNED A NEW EXECUTIVE ORDER ON THE EVE OF THE US 2020 GENERAL ELECTION.

The order is aimed to limit the spread of Covid-19 on polling day, which the president is said to be exceptionally concerned about.

“This is why the voting queues for early voting have been miles long,” a White House insider told us, speaking through an ouija board, “so that people don’t give each other the foreign flu. We had to close many polling places because we believe in democracy.”

The new executive order is aimed to build on this work, along with that of MAGA trucks blocking access to voting stations, to ensure social distancing is maintained.

“We’ll also be burning all the mail in ballots,” the insider continued, “just in case they’re contaminated. Which is very possible as most of them have been posted from China. Fact.”

The change to voting eligibility on polling day will require all people presenting to vote to pass a Covid-19 test before receiving their ballot paper.

“Some undemocratic traitors have claimed that we’re only letting people vote who are Covid-19 positive as that proves they’ve been to a Trump rally in the last two weeks. But that is incorrect. They may live with someone who has been to one. Or work with one. Or stood too long next to one at a supermarket. There’s many ways they could have become infected recently.”

Although clearly, attending a Trump rally is the best way to be sure you pass the test and cast your ballot.

IT’S THE HOPE THAT KILLS YOU : CERN scientists like to gamble. This is obvious by their intention to attempt to create mini blackholes in the hope of contacting a parallel universe during 2020. But like all canny fanciers of odds they also hope the gamble will pay off.

To this end they will cycle up the atom smashing Large Hadron Collider near Geneva next week and then keep their fingers crossed. Will they successfully create a black hole or won’t they?

“We better. This is the last shot to save humanity, unless the American voters can wade their way through all the fraud and electoral crime to actually vote Donald Trump out,” a CERN spokesman told LCD Views, “this is why we’re doing the experiment to open a door to a parallel universe before the US election, and not after. If we fail it will be up to you America. I’m keeping my fingers crossed.”

But if they are successful in opening a door way to another universe, what then? Aren’t they worried something may come through it?

“Well, there is some concern we maybe doing that current Twitter trend of ‘How it started…and how it’s going’. You’ve seen the film ‘Pacific Rim’? Great fun. There’s some concern giant, space lava spewing monsters may come through, but we think it’s worth the risk.”

Why?

“Because if we are able to create mini blackholes and a door to a parallel universe it will be just the opportunity we’re looking for. We’ll invite Donald Trump to hold a rally at the LHR and then shove him right through the door.”

But what will happen after that?

“We’ll close it. Jesus. We’re scientists. Not maniacs.”

AMENDMENT 25 CALLING : THE SCOURGE OF MODERNITY, the global anti-vaccine movement, has received a most welcome boost to its numbers today thanks to some surprising assistance from batshit crazy US President, Donne Drumpf.

The help has come in the form of a tweet in which Donald Trump asserted that his blood is the vaccine.

“We’re not quite sure what his blood is the vaccine for,” a resident GP comments, “it clearly isn’t the vaccine against mocking disabled reporters, fake news, serial sex pest activities, serial adultery, locking kids in cages, misogyny, racism, disrespecting the dead, gluttony, addiction to fake tanning, wig wearing or sociopathy. I can only guess he is talking about the novel cold virus that’s taken the world by storm?”

But whatever disease Mr Trump is referring to the impact of his tweet has been instant, thanks to the wonders of social media.

“I’m not sure how we’ll recover from this tweet,” our GP continues, “already at my surgery we have seen dozens of parents cancel routine vaccinations out of fear of infecting their children with Trumpism. Which is understandable. Trumpism is very similar to the kind of mutant virus that creates zombie apocalypses. If any population achieves 60%, or over, infection rates than it is all over rover.”

What the authorities more generally can do to discourage the sudden ballooning in support for anti-vaxxers is not clear, as most are still dealing with yesterday’s news cycle and won’t have caught up to today until tomorrow.

“I would encourage people to continue to get vaccines,” our GP finishes, “they are one of the greatest technological advances in the history of humanity, have freed billions from the terror of infant mortality, and only the historically ignorant refuse them. And if Donald Trump’s blood really is the vaccine, then it’s been nice knowing you all.”

A TISSUE A TISSUE (OF LIES) : THE UK’S GREATEST CONTEMPORARY BLONDE JOKE, BORIS JOHNSON, IS BELIEVED TO BE FEELING HOT UNDER THE COLLAR AGAIN.

The PM’s rising temperature has reportedly seen alleged fiancé Carrie Symonds scrambling, scrambling in the day bag she carries up and down flights of stairs in 10 Downing Street for the cartoon themed digital thermometer.

“It’s touch and go at the moment,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “Boris really likes the Hulk themed thermometer, but Carrie could only find the Power Ranger one. And he doesn’t really like the Power Rangers. He won’t eat his dinner if it’s served on the Power Rangers plate. Even Toy Story he’s a little adverse too, thinking Woody is a ‘girly swot’. It’s uncertain if Carrie will be able to monitor the giant man baby’s temperature adequately. She has given him a big dose of Calpol, which has only made him hyperactive. It’s manic here at the moment.”

The sources of potential re-infection for Mr Johnson are numerous, as he refuses to wear a mask when he is left at creche by Dom.

“I personally believe it’s because Donald Trump phoned him. Mr Trump has taken out most of the executive and support staff stateside. He’s that infectious. Doctors suspect any variety of contact with the orange super spreader is sufficient to cause infection. He’s just that contagious. So contagious. You’ve never seen a man so contagious before.”

It is likely that this dose of Covid-19 will not be as bad for the prime minister, as he should have one or two lingering antibodies from his first dose earlier this year.

“Maybe it’s not Covid again,” the source mused, “just any association with Mr Trump is now dangerous. He’s so unhinged. And Boris would be well advised to keep his social distance. In fact the entire world would be well advised to steer well clear of even Donnie’s tweets. You could catch anything between now and November 3rd.”

TOP OF THE CLASS: Bigly brained small handed alleged President of the USA Donald Trump has triumphed again. He claims to have gained the highest ever score on a covid test.

Normally, 100% is the highest mark attainable on a test. However, in view of the importance of the POTUS, it is believed that some extra hard tests were added.

“GREAT NEWS!” tweeted the triumphant Trump from his high security toilet facility. “I PASSED MY COVID TEST WITH THE HIGHEST EVER SCORE. 125%! THAT’S MORE THAN WASHINGTON, JEFFERSON AND THE GRASSY KNOLL! ALL HAIL THE POTTUS!”

The drivelling Donald droned on, electronically.

“BESTEST! BIGLIEST! BRAINYEST!”

Somebody must have rattled the orange onanist’s cage though, because the tone of his tweets transformed totally from triumph to tantrum.

“SOME SAY THAT YOU CAN’T GET 125% ON A COVID TEST!” he messaged. “WELL, I HAVE NEWS FOR THEM! I GOTTED THE YUGEST EVER SCORE EVER, AND THE LIEING DEMS ARE WELL JELL!”

Everyone, well almost everyone, knows that the covid test only produces three results: positive, negative, and inconclusive.

“POSITIVE! POSITIVE, YOU DELOODED LOONEY TOONS!” His Twitter account almost spat this drivel out. “POSITIVE 125%! MORE POSITIVER THAN ANYONE ELSE EVER! IT’S BASIC MATH, FOLKS!”

There are those who question both the physical and the mental health of the man with the nuclear codes. Naturally, Trump went on the offensive.

“I’M FITTER THAN A BUTCHERS DOG!” he insisted. “FITTER THAN ELEVENTY TWELVE BUTCHERS DOGS! AND CATS! AND MOUSES! I HAVE THE BRAIN OF A MAN HALF MY AGE AND HE’S NOT HAVING IT BACK! I NOT EVEN GOT A COVFEFE!”

That’s conclusive, then. Covid is the least of his worries. There can be nothing wrong with a man with no filter, no covfefe, and no idea how to turn off caps lock.

BREAKING: Trump’s application to join MENSA has been turned down. Again.

NON COMPOS POTUS : MANY have taken pot shots at Donald Trump since he was ‘elected’ POTUS, all on his own with no help from anyone else at all. But lately others are starting to re-evaluate how fair the criticisms are?

“Apart from the racism and the kids in cages Trump hasn’t put a foot wrong,” our legal eagle notes, “except for when faced with a ramp with a mild incline. Oh, and pandemic response, he doesn’t seem exactly a natural at that. But otherwise, he’s nailed it all. When you see him drinking water with TWO HANDS or one, you see leadership. Well, not so much leadership in the area of international diplomacy or climate change. Still, when you look at the rest of what he’s achieved in office you could well conclude Abraham Lincoln should be blasted off Mount Rushmore and Trump put up in his place.”

And while the list of what Trump made great in just four years is lengthy, especially in the field of red hat sales*, there’s one area where his genius is currently shining brighter than ever.

“Legally he’s a mastermind,” our analyst continues, “daily he plugs away at building his defence before any arrest and trial. It’s impossible to see him give a speech these days and not conclude that he is completely off his rocker. If you’re feeling sympathetic, you’ll plug for dementia. If you’re not, you’ll go for the pressures of the grift have finally driven him bonkers.”

Non compos mentis – Trump can claim it and who could gainsay it? Just look at his speeches, your honour.

*Made in China and not Russia, which is a surprise.

ALL THAT SLITHERS AND CRAWLS ON GOD’S GREEN EARTH : Donald Trump, Boris Johnson and Nigel Farage’s chum Steve Bannon has had his collar felt.

It appears international patriot and 1930’s tribute act, Bannon, has been arrested for fraud and money laundering. Which is a complete shock. Like, are you sitting down? Bannon is potentially a wrong-un? Race baiting, white supremacist Steve Bannon? Who has the smelling salts?!

“No one saw this coming,” agreed LCD View’s collars correspondent, “Mr Bannon, he’s basically some sort of superman, well, a hero to KKK, fascists, mafia types and anyone who seems to have had their soul stewed on high with a box of moral maggots for decades. Oh and he’s appears to be some sort of go between between certain political and business figures in the US and UK. But I’m sure nothing will come of it.”

But there is some good news following Mr Bannon’s arrest.

“He appears to have been arrested in connection to a racist wall crowdfunding project wherein racists donated money to build a wall. He’s accused of stealing money from that. If convicted he could become as famous as Al Capone. Even if he got down for tax evasion. Still, it’s all about money for these people. He’d like to go down in history. It’ll make him happy. As he sits there. For years. In prison. Rotting inside to out.”

But what now for the wall? Who will build it with one of its architects in prison.

“No one. It was always a grift. But there is good news for Mr Bannon.”

What’s that?

“He wanted other people to pay for one wall and now he looks like getting four walls all to himself for free.”

HOWLING WINDS OF FATE : President Trump has caused an upset in the field of modern military history today, by changing the course of it.

Speaking at a packed event, described by one journalist as a “Covid-19 superspreader, fundraiser” in theory to launch a range of plastic Trump action figurines, Mr Trump drifted off piste and into revisionary revelations.

“Not many people know this,” POTUS said, fingers pinched and poised dramatically above the podium, “but bone spurs can go viral just like the China flu.”

He was holding a Trump golf cart figurine at the time, in his other hand. He held it so well some in the audience were moved to applause.

“Look, I get in and out of the cart!” POTUS revealed the toy’s key feature.

“The little string that ties me to the seat of the golf cart is so I don’t get lost. Your children will love these. Get them for Christmas. If Joe Biden rigs the election and wins, there won’t be Christmas. Sleepy Joe hates Christmas. And Christians. There’s also a figurine of me as Jesus. Many people are amazed to see how much I look like Jesus. This one walks on water. You just press the big red button at the back and it inflates with natural gas.”

Once the President of the USA had finished playing with his toys, he got back to changing the course of history.

“This action man, he has bone spurs. Bone spurs are worse than cancer. Worse than Covid-19. Only the strongest survive. The Vietnam War was ended by bone spurs. Everybody got them. No one could move. I had them. I got a medal for how well I handled them. Maybe we can use bone spurs to defeat Covid. I’ll have my people look into it.”

The White House later released a follow up statement advising that “Mr Trump was not patient zero. The soldiers in Vietnam could not have caught bone spurs off Mr Trump as he wasn’t there at the time.”