Category: Donald Trump

YOU’RE FIRED : WHILE THERE APPEAR TO BE SOME WINNERS emerging out of the US political matrix, following their general election last year, not everyone is looking forward to a great year.

And one group of performance artists in particular are staring down the barrel of unemployment for the rest of 2021.

“Melania Trump lookalikes are heading for the welfare queues,” our White House correspondent notes, “it’s unlikely Donald Trump will make good the most recent invoices, and that’s a shame. Bigly.”

The cast of lookalikes playing the first lady has swollen over the last couple of years as the actual First Lady devoted more and more time to ripping out trees planted by her predecessors.

“Even while the pandemic has caused a downturn in the performing arts, those canny artists who specialised in Melania sailed through 2020 only seeing their working hours increase. To play a Melania is a niche talent which involves not moving any facial muscles at all, accept for one brief grimace each performance. Some would say that is too shallow a pool of talent, but it perfectly mirrors the exact skills needed by the real Melania to keep Donald happy whatever he demands.”

But industry experts are keen to point out that the downturn will be only temporary.

A top US actors agency told LCD Views – “The Melania’s should all stay active and in training. Probably get some voice coaching too. Once the pandemic is over there will be dozens of Trump bios and re-imaginings going into production and being a fake Melania will again be a golden meal ticket.”

OCCUPATION IS NINE TENTHS OF THE LAW: The outgoing President of the USA may not in fact be going anywhere. He is alleged to be plotting to sit in the Oval Office, claim squatters rights, and dare anyone to contradict him. 

Normally this kind of announcement would be made through the medium of his hyperactive twitter account. Now that even twitter has had enough of him, he has reverted to telling “a source close to the President”. 

LCD Views’ wholly owned American subsidiary, Y’all Views (registered in the Cayman Islands, it’s all totally legal and above board, totally) reports that the insurrection is far from over. 

“Donald Trump is moving into Phase 2 of his master plan,” says Permanent Donald Trump correspondent Shi T. Gibbon. “Our source says, and I quote, ‘I have all the winnings, the best winnings, and the Oval Office is mine by right, bigly, I won the election whatever the Fake News Media say, and I will remain in the Oval Office as long as there are loyal gun freaks to support me. MAGA! MAGA!’ So there you have it from the horse’s mouth, I mean the source’s mouth.”

Gibbon also reveals that Trump has mobilised a militia to support his sit-in. These MAGA-hatted (horns are an acceptable substitute) desperados will storm the White House three times a day to bring him a Big Mac, coke, and supersize fries. 

What are the consequences for the new administration? “I think that Biden will simply bypass the problem,” said Gibbon. “There is a contingency plan to cordon off the Oval Office from the rest of the White House. Trump can have his little kingdom, and the rest of us will move forward.”

It sounds like Global Britain, sitting in splendid isolation while the rest of the world gets on with life around it. 

We can only look forward to 2024 when Boris Johnson will stage a sit-in at 10 Downing Street. 

ROGUE’S RETREAT : FADING UK PRIME MINISTER, BORIS “PLAGUE” JOHNSON has been forced to divert his attention away from battling Covid today and address international issues.

This should cause no alarm, as many experts believe if Boris Johnson hadn’t been involved the UK would have already recovered.

And the reason for the wrenching away of Johnson’s famous laser like focus is the rumour circulating in the UK media that Mr Johnson has offered to assist Donald Trump, should the later need to leave the USA in a hurry.

Gossip amongst Westminster insiders say that Mr Johnson has phoned Mr Trump to ask if he would like a room prepared at Barnard Castle.

“Barnard Castle is where all the rogues run to,” our foreign affairs specialist comments, “it’s where Lord Lucan currently resides. Harold Holt, that missing Australian PM, he’s there. Oh, and Dominic Cummings is known to frequent it whenever his eyesight blurs. Donald Trump will feel right at home.”

But while the accommodation will certainly be acceptable to a Trump on the run, there are additional whispers that Mr Trump is showing a little lack of self awareness.

“He’s demanding Barnard Castle be renamed Trump Castle Barnard, which has taken the PM back a bit, as that’ll just confuse his mate Cummings when he enters the address into his SatNav. Never mind the additional demand that the ramparts are repainted gold, to give them some of that Trump class.”

But it must be noted that these rumours have been denied by 10 Downing Street who insist that Barnard Castle remains a Nightingale Optometrists focused on the eye tests which are required to recover from Covid.

ASSANGING HIS WOUNDED PRIDE : OUTGOING US PRESIDENT AND INSURRECTION SUSPECT DONALD TRUMP has hinted at his next moves.

While attempts to foment civil war by his supporters will presumably continue, even after Joe Biden and Kamala Harris take office, Mr Trump is no fool and is also building up contingencies for failure.

“Donald is used to failure,” an insider in the Trump team told LCD Views, “he’s been failing at everything his entire adult life. Good thing his lines of credit are so, um, sound.”

And he’ll be drawing on those robust credit lines to pay for an extended stay in a small basement room in Lonon should the alleged coup not succeed.

“He’s already sent a Whatsapp to the concierge of the Ecuadorean Embassy in London,” the insider told LCD Views, “and set out his room service requirements. There’s plenty of McDonalds in London. Food should not be an issue.”

What the staff at the Ecuadorean Embassy think about the plans of Mr Trump to come and stay aren’t clear, even if they are used to people on the run turning up and lodging. Sometimes for years.

The decision to choose the Ecuadorean Embassy in London has taken some by surprise, with many pundits expecting him to flee to his Scottish golf course. Or even Russia, although no one can say why.

“At least Donald’s great British friend Nigel will know where to find him easily, so he can continue to come around and ass kiss,” the insider said, “and so long as they are prepared to provide him with a mini-golf course, I think everyone will get along just fine.”

A PRINCELY DEFENCE : EMBATTLED US PRESIDENT DONALD “MAD ORANGE JOBBY” TRUMP is said to be taking royal inspiration as he prepares his defence against likely charges of involvement in insurrection.

And he’ll need to be swift about it, given that one of his ridiculous sons has posted a video of himself and friends partying as the insurrection took place. Partying while watching the insurrection…

“Maybe they just presumed it would all be alright on the day?” our Washington insider wonders, “after all the people involved on the ground in the so called spontaneous event were even wearing merchandise.”

But it’s best to be prepared and no one will be able to accuse Trump of being tardy about illegalities of the worst occurs.

“He’a going to claim he was having dinner with friends at Pizza Express Woking,” our correspondent says, “at least that’s what unconfirmed leaks from the Oval Office say. He’ll probably go further and say he’s been there for the entire term he is said to have been president. Which he will also deny soon.”

It’s clearly a good defence, just so long as Laura “scuffles” Kuenssberg is reporting on it and not Emily Maitliss.

“He’ll also claim that he has a medical condition which means he can’t sweat,” our imaginary man on the ground says, “as a result of his experience with bone spurs dodging the Vietnam War draft. But that is a little odd, because if he isn’t sweating right now, he should be.”

THE USUAL SUSPECT : THE OUTGOING US PRESIDENT appears to have gotten himself embroiled in some minor legal problems, and as a result many of his officials are running for the hills.

And hot on the heels of those first out the gates is no less prominent individual than Donald Trunp.

It’s believed the move may have been prompted by some top drawer legal advice from the legal eagles behind the Four Seasons Total Landscaping press conference.

“No one wants to be caught dead standing next to Donald Trump when the music stops on January 20th,” our Washington correspondent reports, “and that includes Donald Trump.”

The move by Donald Trump to distance himself from Donald Trump will not come as a surprise to anyone who has loosely followed the career of Donald Trump.

“Trump is also expected to revert to an earlier form of his family surname, Drumpf, in the expectation the change will throw law enforcement officials off his scent.”

Other Trump family members are expected to follow the lead of the President, with Donald Trump’s sons likely to go further than their father and disguise themselves as pot plants, raising their IQ’s considerably in the process.

“The President will be issuing a statement later today confirming he does not know and has never met himself,” our correspondent adds, “which will actually be an incredibly honest statement.”

WHO WILL SAVE TRUMPANZEEOCRACY : DISTURBING scenes from Washington DC tonight as actual democratic process continued its coup to legitimately change the government of the United States of America after a free and fair election.

As the US Senate sat to confirm the election of Joe Biden and Kamala Harris there was a wave building, which may seem rather small in hindsight, but seems pretty bloody big today.

A rabble of MAGA beanie wearing Trumpers, encouraged by Donnie Drumpf and some of his ridiculous allies, took matters into their own hands.

“We can’t have the government change hands in line with the constitution,” one told LCD Views, speaking through an interpreter fluent in idiot (gullible mark dialect), “we have to do something. Mostly that means run around Capitol Hill, steal some furniture and get arrested.”

Police struggled to hold back the loyal Trumpanzees as they were faced with a situation where lack of foresight was clearly one of the most visible features.

But the tragic and farcical scenes did eventually raise a question that had no immediate answer.

Where was the Commander in Chief of MAGA? Where was the Grifter in Chief himself? Why wasn’t he leading the charge to save American democracy from democracy itself?

“He would have been here,” the idiot told us, “but it’s his bone spurs see? They can strike at the most inconvenient times. Like they did over and over during the draft for Vietnam.”

POLITICALLY DEAD AND BLOATED : OUTGOING PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP HAS TRIED every trick in the US rule book to overturn the election results which saw Joe Biden defeat him. And defeat him heavily.

“He’s also tried every trick that isn’t in the rule book,” our US correspondent reports, “some would say that all the accusations of fraud and cheating Trump and his cabal have been throwing around are a perfect example of transposition. Although history will tell us what’s what on that score.”

And history is where the exasperated orange scat gibbon has turned next in his increasingly ludicrous attempts to cling onto power.

“He was reading a Twitter thread about legal options for overturning CV-19 laws you don’t like in England,” our correspondent informs, “and he discovered that business people in England have been using the Magna Carta. Invoking it to defend what they decide are their rights. And the common good be damned. He was onto it like it was a cheeseburger holding an NDA.”

Quite which lawyer will attempt to argue in an American court that an 800 year old treaty between an English king and his barons is applicable to US constitutional law (covering elections) isn’t yet clear. As it seems the lawyers are now getting out of Trump town before they need lawyers themselves.

“Rudi will probably have a go,” our correspondent opines, “he’s pretty much hollowed out now inside, so what’s another scrape of the old inner barrel? See what’s under its bottom. That’s if he can wash the hair dye out of his eyes in time to try.”

And if not Rudi?

“Ivanka.”

POTTY POTTED POTUS : US PRESIDENT FOR LIFE, DONALD TRUMP, has made a surprising return to the headlines today after holding a press conference in the Oval Office.

The president was filmed late in the night, Washington time, sitting on a fold up picnic chair in a room that was otherwise surprisingly empty.

“I got the best prices!” Mr Trump told the assembled reporters, “the Resolute Desk? Kennedy paid too much for that. What sort of loser pays the asking price? But I sold it for millions. Millions. Because I’m a genius. And the paintings? You’ve never seen paintings sell on Ebay so fast.”

But while clarity over what has happened to the possessions of the most famous office in the world was welcome, that wasn’t the reason Mr Trump had invited in the press.

“Let’s get down to business,” the said abruptly, before standing and doing that weird ass dance of his that makes one think of American Psycho GIFS.

“I’m going to make an offer to sleepy Joe and if he’s awake he should take it,” Mr Trump continued, “it’s clear that I had a massive victory in the election held last week. Just the biggest victory. Bigger even than Obama’s. And while I know the American people want me to stay president for life, I’ve got to go and set up a rival cable news network and destroy FOX. I’ll do this easily while fending off numerous legal attacks from all levels, hiding from my creditors, concealing my medical conditions and TWEETING IN CAPS.”

That much is obvious.

“But Joe can be president. I’ll let him be president. Why not? It’s someone else’s turn. Just so long as he keeps my stupid children in the White House, pays me $1.1bn, so I can pay back Deutsche Bank, and pardons me for all the crimes I don’t admit to, and guarantees me a life time supply of Big Macs.”

READ IT AND SHRED IT : GREAT NEWS TODAY for patriots with US flag emoji’s in their social media profiles, all over the world, with the announcement of the final plans for the Donald Trump Memorial Presidential Library.

The Presidential Library is a tradition to honour outgoing US presidents and is intended to symbolise their commitment to learning and the sanctity of accrued human knowledge.

“The Donald Trump library will be no different,” a White House insider tells LCD Views, “it will perfectly symbolise Mr Trump’s personal commitment to the classics. In this case the classics of office equipment, and of course crayons.”

The office equipment alluded to will be paper shredders.

“The paper shredder has long been a stalwart of the type of businessman, and lately president, that Mr Trump has been. So the library will have displays of the evolution of this vital device. Starting of course with a plaster mould of Mr Trump’s hands, as they were his very first shredder.”

Life size plaster mould of Donnie’s hands?

“No. Clearly that would just make them harder to find. The display will be three or four times life size.”

But it’s not just the machines, and busy little hands, that will be in the tower shaped library. Millions of actual documents from Mr Trump’s time in office will also be stored.

“In boxes, on the shelves, but not categorised. It will add to the fun for researchers visiting the institution.”

Special tables will be provided for people to tip the document piles out onto and they can then spend hours piecing it all together.

“Visitors will be encouraged to tweet out their discoveries as they go, it’s going to be just the greatest visitor experience.”

And what about the crayons? Will Mr Trump’s art feature on the walls?

“No. Sadly Donald ate all the documents he personally produced, pretty much always in the moments after he completed his mark making.”