Category: Donald Trump

THE USUAL SUSPECT : THE OUTGOING US PRESIDENT appears to have gotten himself embroiled in some minor legal problems, and as a result many of his officials are running for the hills.

And hot on the heels of those first out the gates is no less prominent individual than Donald Trunp.

It’s believed the move may have been prompted by some top drawer legal advice from the legal eagles behind the Four Seasons Total Landscaping press conference.

“No one wants to be caught dead standing next to Donald Trump when the music stops on January 20th,” our Washington correspondent reports, “and that includes Donald Trump.”

The move by Donald Trump to distance himself from Donald Trump will not come as a surprise to anyone who has loosely followed the career of Donald Trump.

“Trump is also expected to revert to an earlier form of his family surname, Drumpf, in the expectation the change will throw law enforcement officials off his scent.”

Other Trump family members are expected to follow the lead of the President, with Donald Trump’s sons likely to go further than their father and disguise themselves as pot plants, raising their IQ’s considerably in the process.

“The President will be issuing a statement later today confirming he does not know and has never met himself,” our correspondent adds, “which will actually be an incredibly honest statement.”

WHO WILL SAVE TRUMPANZEEOCRACY : DISTURBING scenes from Washington DC tonight as actual democratic process continued its coup to legitimately change the government of the United States of America after a free and fair election.

As the US Senate sat to confirm the election of Joe Biden and Kamala Harris there was a wave building, which may seem rather small in hindsight, but seems pretty bloody big today.

A rabble of MAGA beanie wearing Trumpers, encouraged by Donnie Drumpf and some of his ridiculous allies, took matters into their own hands.

“We can’t have the government change hands in line with the constitution,” one told LCD Views, speaking through an interpreter fluent in idiot (gullible mark dialect), “we have to do something. Mostly that means run around Capitol Hill, steal some furniture and get arrested.”

Police struggled to hold back the loyal Trumpanzees as they were faced with a situation where lack of foresight was clearly one of the most visible features.

But the tragic and farcical scenes did eventually raise a question that had no immediate answer.

Where was the Commander in Chief of MAGA? Where was the Grifter in Chief himself? Why wasn’t he leading the charge to save American democracy from democracy itself?

“He would have been here,” the idiot told us, “but it’s his bone spurs see? They can strike at the most inconvenient times. Like they did over and over during the draft for Vietnam.”

POLITICALLY DEAD AND BLOATED : OUTGOING PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP HAS TRIED every trick in the US rule book to overturn the election results which saw Joe Biden defeat him. And defeat him heavily.

“He’s also tried every trick that isn’t in the rule book,” our US correspondent reports, “some would say that all the accusations of fraud and cheating Trump and his cabal have been throwing around are a perfect example of transposition. Although history will tell us what’s what on that score.”

And history is where the exasperated orange scat gibbon has turned next in his increasingly ludicrous attempts to cling onto power.

“He was reading a Twitter thread about legal options for overturning CV-19 laws you don’t like in England,” our correspondent informs, “and he discovered that business people in England have been using the Magna Carta. Invoking it to defend what they decide are their rights. And the common good be damned. He was onto it like it was a cheeseburger holding an NDA.”

Quite which lawyer will attempt to argue in an American court that an 800 year old treaty between an English king and his barons is applicable to US constitutional law (covering elections) isn’t yet clear. As it seems the lawyers are now getting out of Trump town before they need lawyers themselves.

“Rudi will probably have a go,” our correspondent opines, “he’s pretty much hollowed out now inside, so what’s another scrape of the old inner barrel? See what’s under its bottom. That’s if he can wash the hair dye out of his eyes in time to try.”

And if not Rudi?

“Ivanka.”

POTTY POTTED POTUS : US PRESIDENT FOR LIFE, DONALD TRUMP, has made a surprising return to the headlines today after holding a press conference in the Oval Office.

The president was filmed late in the night, Washington time, sitting on a fold up picnic chair in a room that was otherwise surprisingly empty.

“I got the best prices!” Mr Trump told the assembled reporters, “the Resolute Desk? Kennedy paid too much for that. What sort of loser pays the asking price? But I sold it for millions. Millions. Because I’m a genius. And the paintings? You’ve never seen paintings sell on Ebay so fast.”

But while clarity over what has happened to the possessions of the most famous office in the world was welcome, that wasn’t the reason Mr Trump had invited in the press.

“Let’s get down to business,” the said abruptly, before standing and doing that weird ass dance of his that makes one think of American Psycho GIFS.

“I’m going to make an offer to sleepy Joe and if he’s awake he should take it,” Mr Trump continued, “it’s clear that I had a massive victory in the election held last week. Just the biggest victory. Bigger even than Obama’s. And while I know the American people want me to stay president for life, I’ve got to go and set up a rival cable news network and destroy FOX. I’ll do this easily while fending off numerous legal attacks from all levels, hiding from my creditors, concealing my medical conditions and TWEETING IN CAPS.”

That much is obvious.

“But Joe can be president. I’ll let him be president. Why not? It’s someone else’s turn. Just so long as he keeps my stupid children in the White House, pays me $1.1bn, so I can pay back Deutsche Bank, and pardons me for all the crimes I don’t admit to, and guarantees me a life time supply of Big Macs.”

READ IT AND SHRED IT : GREAT NEWS TODAY for patriots with US flag emoji’s in their social media profiles, all over the world, with the announcement of the final plans for the Donald Trump Memorial Presidential Library.

The Presidential Library is a tradition to honour outgoing US presidents and is intended to symbolise their commitment to learning and the sanctity of accrued human knowledge.

“The Donald Trump library will be no different,” a White House insider tells LCD Views, “it will perfectly symbolise Mr Trump’s personal commitment to the classics. In this case the classics of office equipment, and of course crayons.”

The office equipment alluded to will be paper shredders.

“The paper shredder has long been a stalwart of the type of businessman, and lately president, that Mr Trump has been. So the library will have displays of the evolution of this vital device. Starting of course with a plaster mould of Mr Trump’s hands, as they were his very first shredder.”

Life size plaster mould of Donnie’s hands?

“No. Clearly that would just make them harder to find. The display will be three or four times life size.”

But it’s not just the machines, and busy little hands, that will be in the tower shaped library. Millions of actual documents from Mr Trump’s time in office will also be stored.

“In boxes, on the shelves, but not categorised. It will add to the fun for researchers visiting the institution.”

Special tables will be provided for people to tip the document piles out onto and they can then spend hours piecing it all together.

“Visitors will be encouraged to tweet out their discoveries as they go, it’s going to be just the greatest visitor experience.”

And what about the crayons? Will Mr Trump’s art feature on the walls?

“No. Sadly Donald ate all the documents he personally produced, pretty much always in the moments after he completed his mark making.”

DUMMY FOR A DUMMY : The skies over Washington DC have been busy overnight as the US President’s helicopter, Marine One, was called into action on an emergency mission.

News that big baby Donnie has still not slept through the night since the confirmation of his election loss is believed to be behind the vision that people gathered beyond the fencing surrounding the White House witnessed.

“The UFO appeared in the sky shortly after 1am,” our Washington correspondent reveals, “with the searchlights on top of the White House lighting up what at first appeared to be a large circular object moving erratically through the sky.”

But as the object approached closer to the White House what it was became clear.

“A dummy,” our reporter continues, “which in American currency is called a pacificer.”

And a pacifier is certainly needed, with outgoing President Trump understood to be raging around the historic building and refusing his bottle.

“Melania is shattered. She’s been unable to get him to settle for days. Even threatening a screen ban hasn’t worked. Which is a shame, FOX pivoted in the winds has only made his tantrum worse.”

Hopes are the pacifier will at least give Mr Trump’s primary carers a few moments of silence.

“It’s burger flavoured,” our correspondent adds, “so there’s hopes he will at least suck on it as hard as his he’s taking his defeat. If this doesn’t work they’ll have to call for Super Nanny. Or perhaps just sedate him with a tranquiliser gun. All options are still on the table.”

LORD DRUMPF OF HOTAYRSHIRE : The fake news printing press is never cold where Boris Johnson and Donald ‘Gonad’ Trump are concerned, and there’s no news more fake than this article.

Which is not to say it isn’t true. And rumours this morning that Boris Johnson is expected to elevate his buddy across the pond, Donald Trump, to the House of Lords in the New Year’s Honours List are only fuelling the speculation of what’s to come.

“Just because the Queen won’t have to host another Trump state visit, doesn’t mean our aged monarch is completely rid of him,” our international correspondent reports, “with Mr Trump expected to be on The Queen’s Honours List as 2020 grudgingly gives way to its sequel.”

What party affiliation Mr Trump will take in the UK’s second chamber isn’t clear, with the automatic assumption he will take the Tory whip undermined by the associated rumours regarding Mr Trump’s plans.

“It’s thought that once Mr Trump is dragged out of the Oval Office he will flee to the UK, hence the news about his elevation to the House of Lords. But, and this is the important point, he’s expected then to run for the leadership of UKIP. That said, it won’t make him the first UKIP peer, because the Tory Party is now UKIP. But for appearances sake he may nominally take the UKIP whip, because he will be the whip.”

And the Lordship of Trump raises additional queries about who will be Lady Trump.

“Potentially one of the Melania’s, but it’s always possible they will have divorced him before it occurs. In which case his daughter will most likely be Lady Drumpf.”

But Lord and Lady Drumpf of where?

“Ayrshire, due to Trump’s ownership of a golf club there,” our correspondent confirms, “however the area will change name to accommodate Lord Drumpf and become Hotayrshire.”

THROWING THE TOYS OUT OF THE PRAM: And then putting them away tidily. New President-elect Joe Biden has a bit of tidying up to do before normal service can be resumed.

The once-hallowed Oval Office has been redecorated during the Trump tenure. The walls have been covered with childish drawings and star charts. One such piece of paper (believed by experts to be a spelling test) reads “Person, Woman, Man, Camera, TV”.

There is a jar of instant coffee on a desk littered with crayons and empty Big Mac cartons. The label has been torn off, and replaced with the handwritten legend “Covfefe”.

To one side is a garish pink plastic dressing-up table, decorated with unicorns (believed to be a gift from the minders of his transatlantic cousin, Boris Johnson).There are unused tubes of make-up everywhere, and in every colour – except orange.

Biden’s henchmen are already eyeing up other possible alterations. The sign on the door will have to go, as it currently reads “Donnie’s room”.

“There is much work to do,” sighed representative Amanda Lukupto. “We believe that Trump chose the Oval Office as a playroom because it didn’t have any horrid corners to bash his little hands on. We would like to force Donald to clear up his own mess and put his own toys away, but unfortunately it looks like he will just get Rudi Guiliani to chuck a lawsuit at us instead. So it looks like the grown-ups will have to do it after all. He will lose his phone privileges for a week, though!”

That would be no bad thing, given the increasingly deranged tweets the alleged President has fired off recently. “STOP THE COUNT!” was one surplus vowel from being the most immense self-own we have yet seen.

The whole operation may take months, and be very expensive. In fact, it may prove simpler all round to lock the door (with Trump still inside) and convert the genuine White House nursery into a replica Oval Office.

MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN : BREAKING NEWS TODAY AS THE TEMPER TANTRUM OF DONALD TRUMP’S END OF REIGN TAKES A SURPRISING, AND HISTORICAL TURN INTO SILENCE.

“Shortly after midnight Donald Trump’s Twitter account fell silent,” our White House correspondent says, “and it wasn’t because he had been sedated with just the biggest dose of Calpol and put to bed with a clean nappy, as suggested at the time by many.”

The reason for the silence was the President seeking the protection of law enforcement out of a concern for his safety, now he has lost the most powerful office in the world.

“There’s no suggestion he has sought to protect his family,” our correspondent continues, “although it is believed he may have taken his favourite Melania lookalike with him, along with a supply of Big Macs.”

Why the President would seek protection is not yet clear and we will not spread fake news hypothesising on the subject.

“This is truly a world first by Mr Trump. Richard Nixon sought a pardon and left office with as much dignity as he could manage, in the end. But most wrongly expected Mr Trump to be dragged out kicking and screaming at the very end.”

How long Mr Trump will stay in protection isn’t yet clear and will probably depend on the attitude of his creditors, both visible and shady, to his debts.

“But let us be clear. This is a world first by Mr Trump. He has become the first serving President of the United States of America to enter the Witless Protection Programme, after spelling Witness wrong on his application form.”

RESOLUTE AND DESTITUTE : OUTGOING US PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP has some questions to answer today after Oval Office furniture began appearing on popular auction site Ebay. Overnight.

The listings began to appear shortly after Mr Trump stopped tweeting for the night and were posted by a user called ‘MAGAdump12345’.

While it is not confirmed that the account belongs to Mr Trump, with some claiming the process of setting up the account would exhaust his attention span, the listings all say that the items will not be delivered and must be collected from 1600 Pennsylvania Ave, NW, Washingtun, 20006.

“The misspelling of Washington clearly points directly to Donald Trump,” our White House correspondent suggests, “even though his attorney, Rudi G, has attempted to deflect the accusations by claiming that Mr Trump can’t have listed the furniture for sale because he can’t count up to 1600.”

Other suspects do include Mr Trump’s family, with particular interest in his children and their spouses. Those bastions of virtue and probity.

“What is known is that the Trumps owe A LOT of money to someone. And it’s possible it’s not someone very forgiving. If Daddy Trump can’t cling onto the Resolute Desk as president, it’s reasonable to expect him to steal it and flog it off so he can meet next months interest repayments.”

And there’s some bad news in the listings for outgoing British Prime Minister Boris Johnson, and the rest of his flagshagging clique.

“The bust of Winston Churchill is listed in the items for sale,” our correspondent reveals, “Winstun Church Hill – statue of breasts. It’s not yet clear if there’s any word that ends in -on that Mr Trump is able to spell correctly, but at least he’s trying his bestest.”

The auctions are all set to close soon and cash is preferred. Preferably unmarked bills deposited at a shady address.