Category: Donald Trump

The impasse over the American funding measure led to a bullish response from President Trump. He insisted that it was “business as usual”.

So confident was he, that he hastily put a suit on over his golfing outfit to pose on the Oval Office. “Everything is just fine,” he tweeted. “Just putting a few calls into some very good friends. The spoilsport Democrats will never stop me playing golf. Sad.”

A White House spokesman confirmed that the President’s attitude is that golf is not a matter of life and death, but was far more important than that.

Having got his priorities right, Trump toddled off to thrash Tiger Woods, leaving a trail of formal dress behind him.

Meanwhile, sports commentators are latching on to a whole new cliché. “Every sport, when there is a lull in proceedings, will describe this passage of play as a Democrat Shutdown,” explained cricket analyst Eaton Cakes. “Indeed, the MCC is considering its use as the new name of cricket.”

The worlds of rugby, snooker and Formula One are equally excited. Indeed, during a Grand Prix, the entire race in between the first and last laps will now be called a Democrat Shutdown, enabling fans to legitimately spend race day in the pub.

Meanwhile, the Shutdown has been resolved, at least for now. Since one effect of the Shutdown was to stop salary payments, the Democrats have relented sufficiently to allow them to be paid. Having made their point by exercising democracy, they now refuse to bear the responsibility that comes with it.

The Republicans made their way to the golf course to celebrate this victory. “Hitting a little white ball into a hole is a fitting metaphor for government,” said senator T. Off. ““It’s all about getting around quicker than the other chap.”

At least we now know what MAGA stands for. Make America Golf Again.

The Donald Trump story is a fairy tale for the modern day. It is the fascinating account of how an egotistical man-ape with an IQ approaching double figures can fail his way to the top.

Springtime For Donald traces the career trajectory from small-time billionaire to President. It is truly a riches-to-riches story that cannot fail to warm the cockles of even the most hard-hearted Liberal.

The show opens with the feelgood overture “Springtime For Donald”, set on inauguration day. It then looks back over Trump’s dodgy deals, money laundering and bankruptcies. The plot hinges on the device that Trump, the eternal failure who doesn’t know the meaning of the word, would be guaranteed to lose a race to the White House. His impoverished backers, Mikhail Antonov and Vladimir Vladivostok, would then be able to make vast sums of money on the back of the deal.

The first half ends with the triumphant “Trump Is The Word”. This is accompanied by a full chorus, and a Busby Berkeley-style dance at the end of which the dancers spell the word “Trump!”. The curtain falls, and a lengthy game of crazy golf is played on stage during the interval.

The second half traces Trump’s presidency, as his backers scrabble with the reality of snatching victory from the jaws of defeat. “I was so careful!” exclaims Vladivostok. “I picked the wrong candidate, the wrong campaign, the wrong team. Where did I go RIGHT?”

The ballad “Golden Thrones, Golden Showers” follows, before the show-stopping “Fake News”. A brief moment of self-reflection with “Don’t Let The Sunbed Go Down On Me” segues into “My Way”. After a brief reprise of “Springtime For Donald”, the show ends with the audience singing along to “Make America Great Again” as Antonov and Vladivostok are dragged off to prison.

“This is a fantastic show,” said LCD’s Satirical Revues reviewer. “It gives hope to every failure hoping not to lead a major nation on the back of Daddy’s fortune. Catch it while you can!”

The Ministry of Defence was in an apologetic mood today after accidentally warning of an incoming visit from Donald Trump.

“He’s an unguided missile,” a spokesman for the MoD explained, “even before he was inaugurated we were setting up an early warning system. Just in case.

It was based on the premise that a weak and clueless prime minister would rush to embrace the orange monster, driven to by an isolationist political agenda, fuelled in part by xenophobia and a lot of ignorance, so it was clear holding hands with Trump would be on the agenda. He’s the perfect moral match.”

It seems the alert, accidentally issued via a megaphone gaffer taped to the top of an armoured personnel carrier, had the people living in the village of Bumbleberry-on-Sty freaked out.

“It was only a test of the system. The volume was supposed to be set to one on the dial, not all the way to eleven.

We’re very sorry for any alarmed caused. Although that’s what alarms are supposed to cause, of course.”

The one compensation of the alarming mishap is that it has proved the system does work, even if it interrupted the lock in session at Bumbleberry’s only pub.

“We were tempted to run the live test in central London, as it’s thought necessary to prepare the population of the capital for the sight of APC’s on the streets once the Brexit riots begin. It’s a good thing we didn’t.

We’re not sure Thames Water is ready for how Londoners would have reacted had they been informed, while a majority of the population was drunk, of the threat on an immediate incoming, unguided missile.”

”It’s good to have an early warning system to alert people to any incoming visit from this POTUS,” LCD’s defence analyst said, “We won’t get any extended warning as he’s too scared of people turning out in their millions to tell him to bugger off. I suspect the Queen is very glad she’ll get at least a few minutes warning that it’s finally time to abdicate!”

Testing of the system continues. If you hear the alarm broadcast you are advised to go outdoors and be ready to peacefully, democratically, quietly protest.

So, so quietly, as quiet as a mouse.

Covfefe.

The scandalous story of the first year of Trump’s presidency is to be split into bite size chunks. Each episode will be condensed into 280 easily understood characters. This is believed to be for the benefit of the President himself.

Whoever is in charge of the White House press office this week will be in charge of dumbing down Michael Wolff’s prose. Their brief, allegedly, is to mimic Trump’s own simplistic literary style.

The White House has denied this. “There is no need to talk down to Donald Trump!” the man himself tweeted. “I am, like, really smart.”

When not sounding like a teenage girl chewing gum, Trump has been demanding, petulantly, that the book be suppressed. “This book enlittles the bigliest President of all time!” he tweeted. “One word: FAKE NEWS!”

A grand book burning event has been planned. This pleases the mighty intellect of the President. Rumours that the KKK has been appointed to carry this out have been denied. Fire And Fury will go up in flames.

The Trump administration has called for a day of celebration to commemorate the burning of Fire And Fury. “The slimy limey Brits celebrate a failed assault on their government,” said a spokesman. “So will we.”

The proposed day for celebration is publication day. “Our top poet is on the case. He has got as far as, Remember remember the fifth of January. The rest of the poem will be released as soon as we have discovered a word that rhymes with January.”

Opponents are hoping that the Twitter serialisation will keep Trump busy. One revelation in Fire And Fury is that Trump tweets during his hourly comfort breaks. They expect him to be too busy firing off incoherent rebuttals to ever get off his throne.

Trumps at both ends, then. Hell hath no Fire And Fury like a President scorned.