Category: Deregulation

The Education Secretary, Damian Hinds, announced the great news that his department is doing more for deprived British children. This is to be achieved by pouring money into the grammar schools, which cater mainly for the children of the wealthy and privileged.

It is not immediately clear how this will actually operate. So we asked junior education minister, Lady Jolly Hockeysticks, to explain.

“One would have thought it was bloody obvious,” she shrilled, in a voice that made every fox within a five-mile radius scurry for cover. “It’s The Blessed Margaret’s trickle-down effect. The best way to help people is to make them sweat for every penny. No more handouts!”

Wouldn’t it be more effective to fund schools in deprived areas directly, we ventured.

“Certainly not!” she retorted. “Local knowledge is required, and who better than local schools? Obviously the best schools will be in a position to help the rest.”

And by which criterion do you decide which schools are best?

“By exam results,” she screamed triumphantly. “Grammar schools provide the best education to the best children!”

Please define what you mean by the best children.

“Grammar schools attract the brightest and the best,” she exhorted in a schoolmarmy tone. “But quality doesn’t come cheap, so there is always a proportion of kids so rich that they can buy top grades!”

Then why the need to pump more public funds into grammar schools?

“So they can recruit token poor kids,” she declared. “As a sop to those who think we don’t care about them. Of course we care. We care so much that we are willing to subsidise wealthy quasi-private education businesses in order to encourage philanthropy.”

“It’s a return to Victorian values,” countered education expert Chalky McChalkface. “Education for the well-off, and who cares about the poor, they are all going to grow up scrounging anyway. Lady Hockeysticks wouldn’t last five minutes in an inner-city comprehensive. She would be torn to pieces like a hunted fox.”

Damian “Horse and’ Hinds was said to be delighted with the squabbling which detracted from the catastrophic mess that is Brexit. At least legions of loyal Daily Telegraph readers will wake up to a good news headline for once tomorrow.

Many conspiracy theories surround the motivation behind Brexit. Will we all get richer? Will we take back control of. well, everything? Just don’t mention the Irish border.

One man who believes he has the answers is Phil Yerboots. LCD’s Financial Mismanagement correspondent went to speak to him.

“Brexit is for the many, not the few,” claimed Yerboots, glancing shiftily about. “This suitcase stuffed with used banknotes in my hand is completely irrelevant. I don’t stand to gain in the least.”

So, will we all get richer? we asked him.

“Errr, well, um… yes of course!” he stammered. “Look, it’s happening already!” He indicated the suitcase, which was leaking a few tatty notes. Shabby passers-by picked them up in surprise. “The trickle-down effect in operation!” bragged Yerboots.

An exhausted man dragging a huge trunk came up behind Yerboots. “Hurry up, Baldrick!” snapped Yerboots. “All the trunks of used banknotes need to be on the Cayman Islands plane by six o’clock sharp. Look lively!”

Suddenly, the sound of Abba’s “Money Money Money” rang out. “I’ve got to take this,” said Yerboots, pulling out the offending mobile phone. “No, Dave, wait until the NHS has collapsed completely before buying any hospitals!” he barked. “But I want Regent Street, Oxford Street and Bond Street asap. Yes, with hotels. No, don’t take any Chances. You know the drill!”

So, how does this work, then, we asked.

“When I benefit, everybody benefits,” he explained, patiently. “Everybody has a share. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to supervise a fleet of lorries carrying gold bullion onto the cross-channel ferry.”

Is the gold going to France, then?

“Of course not,” Yerboots retorted. “The ferry belongs to the Syndicate, and will sail to my secret headquarters. What is good for Phil Yerboots is good for the country!”

Heads I win, tails you lose. Brexiters have monopolised Catch 22 situations. Fill your boots!

NHS set to save billions after U.K. gets all the antibiotics it needs from imported American food, after Brexit.

Handoncock, health minister, wasn’t available, so we spoke to famous environmentalist Mickey Gove to find out more.

”Mickey Gove, good of you to join us on the LCD sofa.”

“It’s my aaarrrrhhhhh absolute pleaaaaadure to be heeaaaaareeee on this delightful bit of furniiiiiituuuuure.”

He’s doing a William Hague impression.

“Can we just talk normally?”

“But I’ve been so busy playing sardines with Boris and the other boys, I haven’t had time to oil my dissembling engine. I want to distract with my famous William Hague.”

He’s even got the baseball cap on.

“Let’s just start,

“Would you have preferred the surname mouse?”

”I would have preferred, that when the British people entrusted me with the weighty responsibility of plunging the knife into Boris’ back, that I’d got it right through to his heart. But I’m sure to get another go in the coming months.”

Here we go, evading the questions already.

”Just answer the question Mr Gove.”

”£350M per week for the NHS!”

You must be kidding me.

”Given the economic forecasts, that the BBC for one, has largely pretended don’t exist, isn’t it a bit rich to roll that chestnut out again?”

Tap fingers and wait for an answer.

See the mad eyes swivelling.

See him sliding along the cushions of the sofa.

”Please don’t touch me. Just answer the question honestly.”

”Okay,

“The savings to the NHS alone, which will naturally occur once we have a complete and traumatic severance with the EU (it’s almost as if that’s the plan!), will more than adequately fund whatever additional needs the vital institution of the national health service has.”

I’m standing up now. It’s like being close to a devious elf.

”And how do you figure that out, famous environmentalist, Mr Gove?”

”Because of all the antibiotics in all the imported American food silly!

“Every chlorine soaked chicken will also cure a throat infection, before, and this is really important that the British people understand this, before it gets worse,

“A steak will take years off your life, but it’ll deal a mighty blow to that bit of syphilis!”

He looks like he actually believes this. Clearly the engine inside is up and running.

”Got yourself a nasty bladder infection? Have a penicillin laced bacon butty!

“Can’t see through the smunk of conjunctivitis? Just have a pressed ham sandwich,

“Brexit won’t destory the NHS, it will save it,

“Especially, and it’s important that your readers understand this, Brexit will save the NHS by saving it billions on antibiotics and because we will also no longer own it.”

What was the last bit? I didn’t catch it?

”I love the environment almost as deeply as the hole in my heart I keep for Boris Johnson. Who, I may say, I am one hundred percent behind.”

Well that’s good news at least.

“Not long to go then?”

”Nope. Any day now.”

Thank you Mr Gove.

“Just wait for your NHS rebate after it saves on prescriptions. £350 per week for every man, woman and child.”

Fracking can actually clean your environment, claimed the Environment Secretary this week. Hazardous hydrocarbons are carefully removed from under your property during the process. One possible cause of toxic contamination is being removed.

“It’s a win-win situation,” claimed departmental spokeszombie Edd Lesschicken. “Fracking reduces pollution and increases our oil supplies. It’s a no-brainer!

“Picture the scenario,” he continued. “YOUR house probably sits above an immense quantity of oil and gas. Imagine all that leaking out all over YOUR patio! You’d want it removed, right? And we are going to do it. For free! It’s the bargain of a lifetime.

“Fracking is the simple, harmless procedure in which water and sand and other shit is pumped lovingly into the ground under enormous pressure. This gently forces the nasty oil and shale gas out into the open, where it can be safely stored in vast attractive gasometers.

“The horrid poisons will then be refined and distributed throughout the land via pipelines and tankers, which definitely won’t leak much. Probably.

“YOU will then benefit, because YOU will be able to run YOUR BMW Challenger 2 series on BRITISH fossil fuels for many more years, and feel smug because YOU are doing YOUR bit for the environment!”

Mr Lesschicken frequently referred to Mr Gove as “Mr Green” during his announcement. It is believed to be an endorsement of Gove’s environmental credentials. Less charitable observers reckon that it’s more to do with his toad-like countenance.

Whinging so-called “realists” have pointed out that the word “fracking” is derived from the sound that bedrock makes when it fractures under extremes of pressure. They go on to complain that fracking causes “subsidence” and “earthquakes”. Never one to listen to self-appointed experts, Gove was gently reassuring. He has volunteered his own home town as a flagship fracking ground.

Gove is clearly the spiritual heir to David Mellor. The one who fed mad-cow beefburgers to his daughter. The one who got laid, despite wearing a Chelsea shirt and being David Mellor. Remember him? Bet you fracking wish you didn’t.

The introduction of Free Schools has been a resounding success. Now the Health Secretary, Jeremy C. Hunt, has picked up the baton. He will introduce Free Hospitals as soon as is practicable.

Free Hospitals will be free of all the constraints that are destroying our failing NHS hospitals. Patients will be free to access health care at any facility they choose, and shop around for the best deals. Years of expensive, and frankly unnecessary, training for staff will not be needed, so that start-up costs will be kept to a minimum.

Freedom from government shackles means that health care will no longer be a drain on the public purse. Naturally, patients will be asked to contribute to the cost of treatment. Waiting rooms will incorporate financial assessment hubs, which will ensure that no overweight chavs wearing tracksuits will be able to progress to triage.

“If you can’t afford our surprisingly reasonable fees, we will, sadly, be obliged to harvest vital organs to pay for your treatment,” said Yoby Tongue, CEO of the McDonald’s Drive Thru Burger Bar and Free Hospital. Mr Tongue let slip that you could not enter the hospital via the McDonald’s, although all patients are discharged through the restaurant.

“In addition, to keep costs to a minimum, patients are requested to bring an anaesthetic of their choice,” continued Mr Tongue. “We do, unfortunately, have to charge corkage.”

Employment opportunities are opening up for those with transferable skills. “It’s a dream come true,” said Willie Cleaver at Virgin Free Hospital. “I used to chop up sausages on the butchery counter at Morrison’s. I have a remarkably similar job here!”

Other companies are jumping on the bandwagon. ATOS Free Hospital plans to treat all patients by declaring that they are in perfect health, then sending them back to work in record time.

Poundstretcher Free Hospital is a budget hospital. It offers deals such as “Buy one appendectomy, get one half price!”

Royal Mail Free Maternity Hospital offers a fixed price procedure, but cannot promise delivery by the due date.

What could possibly go wrong? After all, it’s hardly brain surgery.