Category: Deregulation

FAUCET FRAUDS : Great British Reassurance today for anyone worried they maybe killed by drinking from their tap as the newly appointed Minister for Bottled Water Sales, Abac Teria, set out his plan to deal with the contaminated water crisis.

”There isn’t a plan,” he told a rapt classroom of year 5’s during a photoshoot to promote greater involvement of corporate interests in early years education. “You all look rosy cheeked, don’t you children? Yes. Yes you do. So if anyone tells you not to drink from the tap you just ignore them. You can only get infected once. And the strongest amongst you will thrive as the weak fall by the wayside. Won’t they children?”

While the lack of an obvious plan to return the UK’s water supply to the 21st century may concern some, Abac Teria isn’t losing any sleep over it.

”I’m disgusted at the people talking this country down all the time,” he blasted a cheeky 10 year old who appeared to have loosened his bowels during the session, developed a fever, fainted and was carried from the classroom. “Our glorious ancestors didn’t worry about water supply when they were raising militias on the subcontinent, did they children? Did the railways, the same ones we still use today with almost the same trains, get invented while handwringing over red tape to do with E. coli? No. They didn’t. So don’t you worry yourselves over it.”

Apart from the obvious and unnecessary excitement over water quality, Abac Teria, also had some choice words for the gloomsayers.

”Look at the sales of bottled water now? This is how you turn crisis into opportunity. This is the British way! Now, just remember if anyone moans about a brown lump clogging up the tap, you just tell them they’re woke and go look for a puddle in the yard to wash your face in. Now, I’ve got to run along and take up a job with the water regulator. My wife works for a water company. That’s exciting isn’t it? We can talk about work. Which is nice.”

FREUDIAN SLIP CONTENDER 2024 – The UK’s latest Prime Minister, Rishi “eat the poor” Sunak, has warned of the danger of re-electing his government to power. Whenever he deigns to call the general election.

In a surprisingly candid speech to the press the pint sized destroyer of the social contract displayed a hitherto unknown degree of self-awareness.

“If you just look at what we have achieved in fourteen years in power,” Mr Sunak said, “you wouldn’t want to risk another day of it. I know myself of the danger I represent to the UK’s hardworking taxpayers, mostly from my desire to transfer all their cash to my extended family’s bank accounts and then blame work-shy, middle aged cancer patients for the collapse of social services.”

Mr Sunak went onto elaborate further.

“I wouldn’t trust us with national security. We haven’t even released the report into Russian interference in the UK democratic process. I mean, have you seen Brexit? That’s a tough one for me. As a childhood devotee of the free market ideal of letting any old chancer pretend to be a medical practitioner, I find it hard to accept all my economic ideas are bogus. You could call me a political Peter Pan.”

Exactly when Mr Sunak will offer the UK to save itself from the Conservatives isn’t clear though.

“It’s amazing isn’t it?” Mr Sunak mused. “Even after I took a blowtorch to public health with my Eat Out To Help Out virus spreading scheme I was still allowed to be Prime Minister. I thank the Monarch for that personally. I do, constantly. Without a disinterested, democratically unaccountable head of state our parliamentary democracy would be in real danger of modernisation. And then where would the Cons be? Ha!”

“I mean things could be worse I suppose,” he pondered, “I could decide to pass a law saying I don’t have to call an election by January 2025. Although I better get a wriggle on! Considering I’m shedding MPs faster than small to medium businesses attempting to export to Europe.”

Mr Sunak got a glint in his eye at this point and added, “It could be worse. I could be Adidas. If Nike want me to destroy their brand cred too all they need to do is send my stylist a pair of Converse.”

PENNY WISE : Kwasi Kwarteng, once only famous for laughing during the funeral of Queen Elizabeth II, has added another classic hit to his CV in the last week by singlehandedly crashing the economy of the United Kingdom.

The decision to hit the nuclear button with the missiles all squarely aimed at home was taken as a natural follow up to Brexit. Many had expected the seismic world events of recent years, namely the pandemic and the war of Russian aggression in Ukraine, to temper the zealotry of the Britannia Unchained squad, but many are often taken by surprise.

“You have to admire him really,” a source close to Mr Kwarteng told LCD Views. “All around the world the experts are being consulted over every little shift in economic policy. Not by Kwasi. He knows where he’s going and he’s going for it. Going, going, gone!”

When pressed to defend his amazing policy announcements Mr Kwarteng initially attempted to hide, but when cornered down a dead end alley he turned to face the press. He wasn’t cowed.

“I’m fed up with the woke braying of the IMF and even some in my own criminal gang, I mean political party,” Mr Kwarteng is reported as blurting. “It’s like no one can take a joke anymore? It’s hilarious to watch all those pension funds shitting their pants. We want them to go liquid. We need people to spend their pensions and consume or how stupid will the BOE’s interest rate rises look when younger, working people start losing their homes. Get a sense of humour people. You’ll feel better.”

When pressured to give details of exactly when he will U-turn on his policies Mr Kwarteng was less forthcoming.

“I think it’s best we wait until November,” he smirked, “and see what conditions the IMF attach to the emergency bail out of the UK economy. Don’t you? Let’s keep up a healthy sense of suspense over exactly what we’re up to until then. I wouldn’t be joking if I said I don’t even know myself.”

THE SMELL OF SOVEREIGNTY : The Tory MP for Phistit-Phistitgut Reginald Scat has broken ranks with colleagues to laud the redecoration of England’s once pristine beaches.

While many Cons are expressing disgust at private water companies for doing exactly what they allowed them to do, Scat MP is having none of it.

“It shows how we can boost profits for Blighty’s wealth creators now we’re freed from the shackles of the nanny state EU,” Scat said. ”If we still had ready access to the chemicals we need to clean our waste waters we would not now be blasting our visible sovereignty out of giant pipes along the Sussex coastline. There is no more direct symbol of the throwing off of Brussels than British poo on British beaches.”

Scat, one of the 2019 intake chosen personally by Boris Johnson and Dominic Cummings goes on to suggest ”effluent is biodegradable anyway. All these woke eco warriors are perfectly happy to charge you five pounds for a plastic carrier bag but are up in arms over nature’s best, natural fertiliser washing up inshore? There’s a stink of hypocrisy in the movement.”

But sovereignty doesn’t stop with a liberal regulatory approach to waste water.

“Just take a moment to imagine the look on the faces of French fishermen seeking to rob our territorial waters of British fish! They’ll be thinking twice now. And the illegal people who try to reach our shores will be turning back at the first retch of sovereign water.”

Scat is certain to have sympathisers within his party for his views as most are holidaying this year in the Adriatic.

“The only British turd in view there is Boris Johnson. Which is nice. No one need feel homesick with him bobbing about near to shore.”

ENTER YOUR SPIN CODE : 10 DOWNING STREET’S famous front door has received a do over this week and everyone is very pleased with the results.

“We’ve replaced it with an ATM machine,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “a mate of Dom’s reconditions them. It was basically a steal.”

But why the famous black door, all stern and statesmanlike, with its dominant 1 0, had to be replaced with an ATM is still a bit of a mystery to us plebs.

“It’s not mysterious at all, if you’re paying attention to the news cycle during Covid. You can draw your own conclusions then.”

We’re a bit slow, why don’t you just tell us?

“Okay. It’s part of our crusade to slash red tape,” the source advised, “currently it’s really convoluted to move taxpayer’s money STOLEN FROM WEALTHY BETTERS back into the pockets of inheritance millionaires. BUT. By installing the ATM as a door at number 10 we can simplify the process and save millions per week. We should be congratulated. This is why we’re in government.”

So the taxpayer will actually be saving money now? Money it can spend on important issues, like pay rises for nurses and social care staff?

“No. OMG. You’re having a laugh! Ha! Why the hell would we want to disincentivise nurses from working for private contractors who supply staff to the NHS at extortionate expense?”

Then who is saving the money?

“Millionaire Tory party donors will, as they no longer need to set up shell companies and pretend they can produce PPE. Work it out. It’s not that difficult.”

A VERY STABLE GENIUS : By now everyone has been impressed by the mental abilities of President Donald Trump, who recently wowed the globe with his ability to identify an elephant. But it’s not just across the pond where a stable genius reigns.

“Comrade Johnsonov sees Comrade Trumpski as setting the low bar for him to follow under, in all things,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “in accordance with this Boris Johnson has also done a cognitive test.”

But he’s done it with a twist.

“He did not want to be accused of plagiarism, at home and abroad, so he’s taken a cognitive test, just like POTUS, but he’s taken a different cognitive test.”

Very stable. Very genius.

“The test Mr Johnson has taken is identical actually to a test routinely taken by Conservative MPs. They’re not going to insult your intelligence by taking a test to identify animals. Their inaction on climate change will see all those animals go extinct anyway. What’s the point of identifying something that doesn’t exist? Mr Johnson has taken a test to identify something cold and hard.”

What? A type of fridge?

“Oh, he’s already aced that test. Live on TV during the general erection campaign last year. No. The test Mr Johnson has taken was to identify Roubles from a range of currency outlines.”

Oh! Much more impressive! Given all bank notes are essentially the same shape! Much better than an elephant (in the room).

“Yes, you could say he’s banked it.”

DIG UNTIL YOU DIE : Welcome clarity today from the Home Secretary Priti Patel on why her government just has to get the UK out of the EU. And not just so the UK can enter the final stage of its long life cycle and disintegrate.

“Do you want to revolutionise the economy and cut all that red tape or not?” a pumped up Priti demanded today, at an imaginary hustings in Witham, “do you want full employment and not have to worry about your pension in your old age? It’s time to choose. By raising the pension age to 100 and making everyone do field work, regardless of the time of year, we can rid patriotic Britons of the fear of poverty in old age, by ridding them of the unwelcome reality of old age completely.”

It is indeed time to choose. Time for the country to decide who governs it and in which century the governing happens.

“For too long EU red tape has held back the return of serfdom to the United Kingdom,” Ms Patel enthused, “backs that could be breaking in toil in fields are right now in ergonomic office chairs thinking of voting for Labour, Libdems or even the Greens. We can fix that. We can fix that with a Boris Johnson majority. It’s not like he’ll be paying any attention at all to what I do with you after. Just as Dave “hug a hoodie” Cameron gave scant regard to Ms May’s creation of the hostile environment. And look what bold strides we have taken since!”

Indeed!

“We can fix broken Britain with you, with you holding a hoe in a muddy field of your own. Or more correctly a field you’re renting with 80% of your produce, off a Tory MP.”

What’s not to like! The EU can’t hold us back once we rid ourselves of its insufferable tendency to enfranchise citizens with rights.

“You have a right to dig in daylight hours, and beyond, and I have a right to be wear shoes with toes so long I can’t possibly be expected to move from my throne. Let’s get Brexit done and take the UK backwards! Back to a time when everyone knew their place.”

Wonderful. Be a bloody shame if she loses her seat in the GE. I wonder what sort of electoral calculation will be needed by the opposition parties to bring that about?

The Global car boot sale that is Brexit will go ahead as unplanned, says the Treasury. The asset stripping of the UK – breaking it up into smaller units, and flogging them as going concerns to the highest bidder – will commence at Hallowe’en, come what may.

Anything of worth will be sold to corporate vultures like Donald Trump or Vladimir Putin. The Exchequer will pocket the cash, divvy it up between wealthy Brexiters, and scarper. Everything else will be scrapped.

The government is pouring £2.1bn into no deal preparations, to ensure the sceptical public thinks it is serious about the country’s problems. It hopes that this will quell rebellion until it is too late.

“It’s not a huge sum of money,” remarked Treasury advisor Billy O’Nair laconically. “Well, to you or I it may seem so, but the truth is that in the context of international finance it’s chicken feed. It won’t go anywhere, except into the pockets of some very rich people. Which is precisely the point, of course.”

Isn’t it for no deal planning? Infrastructure? Jobs?

“Put it this way,” replied O’Nair. “There is less than three months to design, build and staff customs points and such. There’s no way any of it will even get as far as the drawing board. The cash will be eaten up by ‘consultants’ fees’ and no actual work will be done!”

In other words, the money will be spaffed up the wall?

“Not at all,” retorted O’Nair. “Wealthy people know how to make money work. Poor ones would just go out and spend it, what’s the point in that?”

So the money is merely a sticking plaster?

“Not even that!” chuckled O’Nair. “It’s the equivalent of sending out Doris the cleaning lady with her mop and bucket to clear up after a tsunami. It’s to make the media tell everyone what a good job we’re doing, now look the other way, don’t you have dolphins to save or something?”

They are selling England by the pound. When it’s gone, it’s gone. Roll up, roll up!

Britain is leading the world once again. Freedom from the EU releases funds to invest in R&D. The principal subject for development is a versatile and efficient circular device, codenamed “The Round Thing”.

Designers have already been hard at work on this project. Much thought has been given to funky shapes and vibrant colours.

“It’s all a bit sixties, man,” droned Round Thing developer Axel Turner. “But you know, what goes around comes around, and it’s my turn now.”

Elsewhere, senior managers were justifying their enormous salaries by producing hundreds of PowerPoint slides. These demonstrate, in great detail, why the new Round Thing is superior to the bog-standard EU version.

“We are free to place the hub of the Round Thing wherever we choose,” explained Turner. “EU restrictions insist upon a central hub and a perfectly circular edge. Some of our more radical designs include corners. It’s a completely new spin on traditional Round Things.”

The implications are massive. EU standard Round Things are currently included in virtually all machinery. “The EU is going to have to incorporate the new Round Things in their products, or risk losing our business!” predicts Turner elliptically.

“The new British standard Round Things will be incorporated into the curriculum,” declared education minister Cain Thelottathem. “Non-Euclidean geometry will be a requirement in primary schools, and compasses and protractors will be abolished.”

This is good news for manufacturers of square plates, and heralds the return of seventies icon, the Austin Allegro.

Some have raised objections, pointing out that the circular objects currently in use work perfectly well, and can’t understand why the country should want to spend so much on an inferior product.

“That’s just project fear,” claimed Turner. “These people fail to realise what considerable upsides there are in supporting true British eccentricity.”

Eccentric, like the motion of the new Round Things. It’s almost like reinventing the wheel.

The news leaked out following the row over the vicar-who-wasn’t-really-a-vicar who appeared on Newsnight’s Brexit debate. The well-worn strategy of run down, then sell off cheap, is clearly in operation here.

Wishing official clarification, LCD Views sought the opinion of a senior member of the Cabinet. The vulpine member for Jolly-on-Expenses, and minister for Air Miles, Dr Liam Fox, was pleased to comment.

“At last! A channel dedicated to me!” he burbled, missing the point entirely. “I will be on TV as often as Nigel Farage!”

We asked Dr Fox what he made of the dodgy pastor and her frequent appearances on the BBC.

“She has a reputation and qualifications comparable to many US pastors,” he remarked robustly. “The US is leading the way in deregulating religion, cutting red tape and allowing anyone sufficiently dedicated to buy a dog collar. Ministry should be for the many, not the few!”

Wrong catchphrase, Foxy. Doesn’t deregulation also devalue the ministry of the Church?

“Not at all,” he replied. “It frees pastors from the shackles imposed by the Bible, which is 2,000 years out of date after all. We want ministers to be able to profit from their profession, like any other proper job. Incidentally, we are intending to allow vicars to sell indulgences again. So anyone with a shred of guilty conscience can pay their way to Heaven. We want to return the Church to the peak of its mediaeval glory.”

The sale of the BBC will free its Brexity bosses to sell advertising space for the new religion. The Director General, Lynam Pockitts, is looking forward to applying the same standards in force at its parent company.

“This is the end of any suggestion of bias,” said Pockitts. “From now on, our content will be dictated by the wishes of our sponsors and advertisers. And as we are now owned by the Yanks, there’s jack shit you can do about it!”

Rumours of subterranean rotation activity at Lord Reith’s grave are as yet unconfirmed.