Category: Democracy

THEY ALL FLOAT DOWN HERE : The House of Commons has “bowed to media pressure” and will be providing the daily, live link to the ceaseless debate in the Commons over the “level of citizens it’s acceptable to lose to an infectious disease that can be controlled with basic measures”.

Pressure on 10 Downing Street to televise the hours of detailed, sober and scientifically based discussion over strategies for minimalising the spread of the lethal virus has been growing within the Conservative Parliamentary Party and from the Official Opposition.

“We didn’t just have some endless culture war over masks and then pursue herd immunity via natural infection, regardless of the avoidable loss, because we’ve all got private health care,” one Tory MP told LCD Views.

“We need to calibrate the response to the disease to ensure the right balance between personal freedoms and eradicating those in our communities in time for Priti Patel to try half of you for thought crime. To do anything else would be like some bargain basement autocracy that doesn’t care if ordinary people die avoidably, so long as those who survive can be gas lit into continuing to support the supreme leader, and indulge his craven need to feel powerful. In fact to do anything else would be to open yourself up to the accusation you’re an irresponsible government, internationally irresponsible with it, and the plebs just got lucky the boffins came up with those jabs in time or you’d all be having us go medieval on your arse.”

The livestream will be shown on terrestrial TV as well as digital channels to ensure maximum accessibility.

“My golly goodness!” the MP added, “can you imagine the loss daily to families if we’d just become used to old Boris ruling like a tyrant with powers he’s completely unsuitable to hold because we had to get Brexit done? It’d be carnage.”

IT IS BETTER TO SAY NOTHING AND BE THOUGHT A FOOL: Especially if, like Boris Johnson, you have blagged yourself into a job in the public eye. Johnson is the Prime example of Great British Management Theory. This states, essentially, that the ability to sell yourself in a posh voice trumps expertise every time. 

Johnson could have followed the example of Ronald Reagan, a second rate actor who did a second rate job of playing a second rate President. He was elected twice because he smiled in public and learned his lines. 

Johnson doesn’t have the common sense or work ethic to do either task. So the only remaining viable option is to disappear from view. 

“It worked for Michael Gove,” stated Number Ten spokes-stooge Hydon Seeke. “After his divorce was splashed all over the tabloids, he vanished without trace. His popularity ratings went through the roof! Boris is considering the same tactic.”

It’s not as if Johnson doesn’t have form. When a crisis approaches, he goes on holiday. When in an awkward situation, he disappears into the nearest refrigeration cabinet.

On every occasion, he spoils the effect by reappearing and saying stuff. 

“It would be better if Boris never came out into the public eye ever again,” observed Seeke. “His inability to make sense, his uncontrolled lying, his insistence on talking about vaccines. There is no situation that could not be made worse by Boris simply being Boris. So this time we are going to put a lock on the fridge door.”

And if that doesn’t work, what’s the backup plan?

“Booze, drugs, totty, another long holiday. The usual,” said Seeke. “But this time he won’t be able to come home. Exile, I think, is the answer. And we will make sure that there is no internet this time!”

Never mind Churchill, this will be Johnson’s Napoleon moment. It won’t be the first time a scruffy overweight failed dictator who can’t tell his arse from his Elba has been permanently removed from public life for his own – and his country’s – good.

I FEEL BETTER NOW I’VE GOT THAT OFF MY CHEST : Downing Street is said to be “coping” today after the exhaustive list of Tory MPs who resigned the party whip, after expressing complete disgust over the Johnson/Raab Afghanistan failure, was released.

The list is thought to be final and will draw a line under the calamity for the Johnson administration, which has otherwise governed supremely at home and abroad. If it hadn’t been doing such a sterling job the party of government, fiscal responsibility, family values and defence would have acted by now, wouldn’t they?

“We were actually relieved the list wasn’t longer,” a 10 Downing Street insider told LCD Views. “When you consider how angry they were in the Commons debate, it looked like curtains for Johnson and Raab. But now he may just limp on to create another completely foreseen and avoidable catastrophe. And Raab can go back to Crete in a day or two. It’s hilarious. The Mother of Parliaments, what are you like?”

And limp on Johnson will, so long as he is still perceived as a vote winner by the party of landlords and power.

“Nazarin Zaghari-Ratcliffe, Brexit, Covid, Afghanistan, what will he achieve next? It’s a good thing no one talks about the Garden Bridge, the Arcuri affair and that holiday in the Italian villa. If this stuff became public knowledge he could be in some hot water. I mean, who would allow that sort of character to govern? You’d have to be totally self-interested empty vessels.”

But even though the list is now public knowledge, it’s unlikely to change the calculations in Downing Street over how to govern.

“Clearly the Tory MPs who spoke out against Johnson yesterday are now stuffed. They can look forward to being de-selected for the 2022 General Election. None of them have the foresight to see the payback coming down the line though. Which actually makes them Cabinet material.”

THE BUCK STOPS WHERE : The United Mingingdom’s Prime Minister Boris Johnson is said to have entered crunch talks over the price of handing the premiership over to rising Tory star Rishi “Bootstrap” Sunak.

It’s understood the talks over what Mr Johnson wants to pass the coveted prize of British politics over to Mr Sunak have been in preliminary stages for some time with the negotiations so far conducted in writing.

“Boris keeps losing the letters,” a 10 Downing Street insider tells LCD Views. “It’s slowed the negotiations down no end. Rishi is getting impatient and there’s a risk he may walk away from talks altogether if the PM doesn’t cut the pillow talk and get down to business.”

While a straight purchase of what is theoretically an elected post would be the most likely, it is also rumoured that there is a possibility of buying a controlling stake in operations at 10 Downing Street from its current largest shareholder, Rupert Murdoch. Mr Johnson can stay on as the public face of the business, but with little actual involvement in day to day decision making. Clearly that is a tempting proposition for all involved as it means the least change to how the business of government operates currently.”

Critics of the decision by the Prime Minister to sell his post to Mr Sunak have voiced their concerns over the degregation of representative democracy in the U.K. but they’ve been ignored.

“They clearly have not been paying attention to what’s happened to U.K. parliamentary sovereignty since Brexit and the decision to take back control and give it all to Boris and his backers,” the source laughs, “and what will they do to stop the sale? Mr Johnson will legislate for it and his party will pass it into law before the Queen adds her stamp. It’s pretty much a done deal.”

Advocates of the sale are thought to believe that allowing the free market to decide who runs the country is the best way to secure its future.

“Mr Sunak brings a wealth of experience to the business of government and can be guaranteed to keep giving customers of 10 Downing Street what they know and love,” a bland press release states.

“It is our hope that Mr Johnson will decide to stay with 10 Downing Street after the sale and transfer of executive power is concluded to ensure the manufacture of first rate sound bites for public consumption is unaffected. And also to turn up with a mop in public when required, as Mr Sunak doesn’t have the hair for that.”

CHAOS WITH ED : Encouraging news today that Downing Street is serious about making Global Britain the tech hub of the future with the announcement the UK Government is investing in a new app.

The app, which is being developed by a vigorous startup located near Barnard Castle, is not cheap. It is only available as a subscription model and the sub is £350m per week. Ministers have described the cost as “value for money” as it will save the UK criminal justice system hundreds of millions.

“It will become pointless to ask for the phones of Ministers during corruption investigations,” a gleeful Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Sure, have the phone, there’s nothing on it! Don’t waste your time and our money digging about. Spend those limited resources on pursuing a family trying to decide if they should heat or eat for non-payment of council tax.”

The name of the app will get everyone excited too as it is very now.

“Burner is being developed at breakneck speed because we’re in a crisis,” the source adds. “As such voters can be proud their government is throwing the kitchen sink at it. You should be, it’s your kitchen sink.”

The app won’t be available for use by the general public.

“That’s a necessary limitation because if the general public starts deleting their messages as they hit send then it will make criminal justice proceedings virtually impossible in many scenarios.”

The only potential snag is that Burner will only delete messages on the sender’s phone, not the receiver’s.

“I wouldn’t worry about that. We’re developing a different app for that called ‘If I Go Down You’re Coming With Me’.”

Once Burner is released the team behind it will begin working on ‘BackBurner’, an extension to Burner which deletes Minister’s messages the moment they think them. It is believed had the apps been developed sooner it would have saved David Cameron a world of trouble over the Greensill saga, and certain key government figures under investigation currently.

“You’ll know the app is installed on a minister’s phone as its icon will be a crying/laughing face emoji in a shower of money.”

THE PARTY OF BUSINESS : Mr Fitshammon Jammon, the former Tory Party MP for Buckleys (2015-2017) has been revealed as the UK’s latest instant multi-millionaire.

Mr Jammon was expected to drift into the wilderness, never to be seen again, when he stood down after a brief stint in parliament to “spend more time with his families”, but he’s back centre stage right when his country called.

It seems while lesser mortals from the famous old party of business were filling their boots via contracts for dodgy PPE Fitshammon was eyeing a bigger prize.

“I was doing my research while others were fantasising about Brussels begging for access to London’s financial centre, post Brexit,” the cashed up golden boy told LCD Views. “Many on the extremes of politics, such as my former colleagues, label anti-Brexit websites as essentially conspiracy pages full of fantasists, but I had an inkling (after spending thirty seconds on Google researching the structure of U.K. supply chains) that there was gold in them thar hills! Or rather, on the motorways.”

While officially Mr Jammon agrees with the government line; that the shortage of HGV drivers is caused by EU drivers not wanting their phones to ping, but Mr Jammon doesn’t really care what anyone thinks.

“I’ve stockpiled tens of thousands of HGV drivers just waiting for the fulfilment of Priti Patel’s dream of ending freedom of movement. Now it’s pay day.”

And what a pay day it is. The ex MP is said to have landed in the region of £204m thanks to the penalty clause free contract he signed after phoning the government’s VIP line.

But when can anxious Britons expect to see his drivers on the motorways getting that product to British supermarkets?

“I wouldn’t hold your breath,” Mr Jammon chortles. “I’ve adhered to the same rigorous standards set for the PPE. Basically I’ve written down tens of thousands of names I made up on pieces of paper and handed it over to the relevant minister. No one cares. The only outcome prized by Johnson’s government is moving public cash into private pockets.”

But while this is just business as usual for Brexit Britain, that’s not the whole story.

“Okay, there is one driver. It’s my old school mate Squiggy. As soon as his suspension for dangerous driving is finished he’ll drive any truck you want anywhere you want it to go. Now if you’ve don’t mind I’ve a Georgian Manor to buy. Or maybe three!”

THE SMELL OF A BURNING PANTS FIRE : DOWNING STREET has reacted swiftly today to the Prime Minister Boris Johnson being called a liar in the House of Commons by Labour MP Dawn Butler. The MP was asked to withdraw the statement of provable reality several times before being shown the door by the Deputy Speaker, who apparently has to defend insanity by convention.

It’s been a standing order of British flavour democracy that MPs can lie through their teeth in the House of Commons and face no consequence, especially in the post-truth Brexit era. That an MP would be so determined to state the bleeding obvious has come as a shock to the largely honour based system that we have.

“It’s just not on,” a 10 Downing Street source commented, “the PM is an ageing, privileged man and as such we all have to maintain the pretence he is above reproach, even when he’s a complete and utter binfire, morally, ethically and in terms of governance. How do we continue the farce if MPs are going to kick against convention?”

How indeed. Thankfully the executive has accumulated an impressive amount of tyrannical powers to use as it sees fit and it will do just that.

“We’re taking the Gordian knot approach,” the source continued. “We’re not going to get tied up in endless knots and twists and turns over the PM being a provable liar. We’ll just use a statutory instrument to change reality and cut right through the issue.”

The change will be effective immediately and take the form of a simple severing of the final link between the UK’s government and anything approaching sanity.

“We’ll just pass a law this evening over dinner that means that lies are now truth. Are equal to and really greater than. After that rebel Labour MPs can say what they want. The law will prove reality is different to whatever they can prove. It’s a continuation of strong and stable government.”

PENNY WISE : A wide ranging and comprehensive survey has revealed the Great British Public no longer know what they pay their government for?

The survey, which consisted of reactions to one post on Twitter by this global publishing megahouse, received limited but encouraging feedback. Given that we are in 21st century Brexitannia that is all that is required for a raft of policy changes and opinion pieces.

“No one has the foggiest,” lead researcher, Doctor Puffin’ Stuffed, asserts, “the centre to left clearly think it’s a giant waste of cash. What with the rapid regression of the country to feudalism (complete with plague!) under the current parliament, and the ones preceding it. But the gammon aren’t best pleased either. Desperate people keep making it to our shores. If Priti Patel and Dan the Clandestine Channel Threat Commander are to earn their keep, how the hell is that happening? Why haven’t laser guided, specially trained combat sharks been released to patrol the English Channel? AND DID YOU KNOW THE FRENCH CALL THE english CHANNEL ‘la Manche’? WHY HAVEN’T WE INVADED FRANCE?”

The confusion is well founded, especially when you consider how many additional jobs members of parliament are allowed to take on, with a few hours work often exceeding their MP salary. You can even get your flat refurbed by donors. Who cares about running the country? Except as a racket.

But sadly for the opposition it isn’t much better. There’s a suspicion that decades of enrichment of Labour leaders, Union bosses, head teachers and so on has been an exceptionally clever wheeze by the right wing to draw them into the establishment. If you’re in the establishment and become a multi-millionaire off the status quo, there is perhaps limited internal desire to change it. Although some weekends will be set aside for waving placards.

Unfortunately for the people there maybe limited impact if they simply stop paying members of parliament.

“Most of them have sufficient external streams of income, well padded nests, offshore investments, wealthy donors and so on. They’ll miss the spare change of the MPs salary, but it’ll be fine if they still have the subsidised bar.”

It’s almost like the entire show is no longer fit for purpose.

SPORT OF KINGS : Tory MPs are up in arms today after they received yet another thrashing at the hands of people they assume are their inferiors.

It’s been a rough run of late for the team at CCHQ United as time after time they’ve come up against a single footballer and been thrashed. Many had said they should have conceded the School Meals Cup to Marcus Rashford and kept their dignity intact, but they were ignored. Repeatedly. The next decision to seek payback in a winner take all contest over anti-racism protests pitted Johnson and his team of donkeys against the entire English football team. The result went against the plucky squad of MPs from Little England, even with a whole squad of hard right gobshite ringers in the media establishment on their side.

There are not yet public rumours of a need to change the management at CCHQ, but that doesn’t mean many aren’t looking at their bluffer in chief and wondering if someone capable of forecasting further than their next alcoholic beverage may be a better strategist?

While the whiteboard is put up and the pens grabbed to form a new strategy undaunted Tory MPs are taking to social media as if they weren’t just thrashed completely yesterday.

“The demand for footballers to keep out of politics and stick to football is an understandable one,” a source inside CCHQ told LCD Views. “We can’t take it anymore. They keep handing us our arses! Who knew they would be so good at politics?”

Other sources are suggesting that if the MPs are so keen to spare their blushes and keep footballers out of the political arena they might try governing the country with an ounce of compassion for those less fortunate? But that is unlikely to be advice that is heeded and more rematches, and more thrashings for the Tories are expected.

STRONG AND STABLE SLOGANS : HOT on the HEELS of the SEX scandals and ministerial marriage BUST UPS the governing Conservative Party of England has been hit with a furore over its proposed new slogan.

The party of government has slowed its slogan production noticeably since genius, wonder, megabrain Dominic Cummings left Mr Johnson’s employment to pursue his lifelong ambition of winning the “No Shit Sherlock Awards” by revealing nothing that surprises anyone. And it seems the Cons are missing his magic touch when it comes to snappy, brain fogging catchphrases.

“It’s bafflingly long,” a 10 Downing Street insider told LCD Views, “it’s almost like an act of sabotage. How are our supporters going to process all that? It’s a far cry from the genius of Get Brexit Done! Three words. That’s all you need to take absolute power and keep it.”

However party insiders with a better handle on nuance appear to have other reasons for disliking the new slogan.

“They think it’s too honest,” the insider admits. “Vote Tory – It could be the last thing you do? It’s a clear reference to our pandemic policies and the one or two avoidable deaths that have happened as a result.”

Whether or not the people responsible for the new slogan will agree to modify it isn’t exactly clear though.

“They must be chasing the Freudian Slip Award? Mind you, given Mr Johnson’s announcement regarding the 19th of July I don’t think they’ll win it. We’re no longer concealing what we think of the value of the average voter’s life.”