Category: Democracy

CHAOS WITH ED : Encouraging news today that Downing Street is serious about making Global Britain the tech hub of the future with the announcement the UK Government is investing in a new app.

The app, which is being developed by a vigorous startup located near Barnard Castle, is not cheap. It is only available as a subscription model and the sub is £350m per week. Ministers have described the cost as “value for money” as it will save the UK criminal justice system hundreds of millions.

“It will become pointless to ask for the phones of Ministers during corruption investigations,” a gleeful Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Sure, have the phone, there’s nothing on it! Don’t waste your time and our money digging about. Spend those limited resources on pursuing a family trying to decide if they should heat or eat for non-payment of council tax.”

The name of the app will get everyone excited too as it is very now.

“Burner is being developed at breakneck speed because we’re in a crisis,” the source adds. “As such voters can be proud their government is throwing the kitchen sink at it. You should be, it’s your kitchen sink.”

The app won’t be available for use by the general public.

“That’s a necessary limitation because if the general public starts deleting their messages as they hit send then it will make criminal justice proceedings virtually impossible in many scenarios.”

The only potential snag is that Burner will only delete messages on the sender’s phone, not the receiver’s.

“I wouldn’t worry about that. We’re developing a different app for that called ‘If I Go Down You’re Coming With Me’.”

Once Burner is released the team behind it will begin working on ‘BackBurner’, an extension to Burner which deletes Minister’s messages the moment they think them. It is believed had the apps been developed sooner it would have saved David Cameron a world of trouble over the Greensill saga, and certain key government figures under investigation currently.

“You’ll know the app is installed on a minister’s phone as its icon will be a crying/laughing face emoji in a shower of money.”

THE PARTY OF BUSINESS : Mr Fitshammon Jammon, the former Tory Party MP for Buckleys (2015-2017) has been revealed as the UK’s latest instant multi-millionaire.

Mr Jammon was expected to drift into the wilderness, never to be seen again, when he stood down after a brief stint in parliament to “spend more time with his families”, but he’s back centre stage right when his country called.

It seems while lesser mortals from the famous old party of business were filling their boots via contracts for dodgy PPE Fitshammon was eyeing a bigger prize.

“I was doing my research while others were fantasising about Brussels begging for access to London’s financial centre, post Brexit,” the cashed up golden boy told LCD Views. “Many on the extremes of politics, such as my former colleagues, label anti-Brexit websites as essentially conspiracy pages full of fantasists, but I had an inkling (after spending thirty seconds on Google researching the structure of U.K. supply chains) that there was gold in them thar hills! Or rather, on the motorways.”

While officially Mr Jammon agrees with the government line; that the shortage of HGV drivers is caused by EU drivers not wanting their phones to ping, but Mr Jammon doesn’t really care what anyone thinks.

“I’ve stockpiled tens of thousands of HGV drivers just waiting for the fulfilment of Priti Patel’s dream of ending freedom of movement. Now it’s pay day.”

And what a pay day it is. The ex MP is said to have landed in the region of £204m thanks to the penalty clause free contract he signed after phoning the government’s VIP line.

But when can anxious Britons expect to see his drivers on the motorways getting that product to British supermarkets?

“I wouldn’t hold your breath,” Mr Jammon chortles. “I’ve adhered to the same rigorous standards set for the PPE. Basically I’ve written down tens of thousands of names I made up on pieces of paper and handed it over to the relevant minister. No one cares. The only outcome prized by Johnson’s government is moving public cash into private pockets.”

But while this is just business as usual for Brexit Britain, that’s not the whole story.

“Okay, there is one driver. It’s my old school mate Squiggy. As soon as his suspension for dangerous driving is finished he’ll drive any truck you want anywhere you want it to go. Now if you’ve don’t mind I’ve a Georgian Manor to buy. Or maybe three!”

THE SMELL OF A BURNING PANTS FIRE : DOWNING STREET has reacted swiftly today to the Prime Minister Boris Johnson being called a liar in the House of Commons by Labour MP Dawn Butler. The MP was asked to withdraw the statement of provable reality several times before being shown the door by the Deputy Speaker, who apparently has to defend insanity by convention.

It’s been a standing order of British flavour democracy that MPs can lie through their teeth in the House of Commons and face no consequence, especially in the post-truth Brexit era. That an MP would be so determined to state the bleeding obvious has come as a shock to the largely honour based system that we have.

“It’s just not on,” a 10 Downing Street source commented, “the PM is an ageing, privileged man and as such we all have to maintain the pretence he is above reproach, even when he’s a complete and utter binfire, morally, ethically and in terms of governance. How do we continue the farce if MPs are going to kick against convention?”

How indeed. Thankfully the executive has accumulated an impressive amount of tyrannical powers to use as it sees fit and it will do just that.

“We’re taking the Gordian knot approach,” the source continued. “We’re not going to get tied up in endless knots and twists and turns over the PM being a provable liar. We’ll just use a statutory instrument to change reality and cut right through the issue.”

The change will be effective immediately and take the form of a simple severing of the final link between the UK’s government and anything approaching sanity.

“We’ll just pass a law this evening over dinner that means that lies are now truth. Are equal to and really greater than. After that rebel Labour MPs can say what they want. The law will prove reality is different to whatever they can prove. It’s a continuation of strong and stable government.”

PENNY WISE : A wide ranging and comprehensive survey has revealed the Great British Public no longer know what they pay their government for?

The survey, which consisted of reactions to one post on Twitter by this global publishing megahouse, received limited but encouraging feedback. Given that we are in 21st century Brexitannia that is all that is required for a raft of policy changes and opinion pieces.

“No one has the foggiest,” lead researcher, Doctor Puffin’ Stuffed, asserts, “the centre to left clearly think it’s a giant waste of cash. What with the rapid regression of the country to feudalism (complete with plague!) under the current parliament, and the ones preceding it. But the gammon aren’t best pleased either. Desperate people keep making it to our shores. If Priti Patel and Dan the Clandestine Channel Threat Commander are to earn their keep, how the hell is that happening? Why haven’t laser guided, specially trained combat sharks been released to patrol the English Channel? AND DID YOU KNOW THE FRENCH CALL THE english CHANNEL ‘la Manche’? WHY HAVEN’T WE INVADED FRANCE?”

The confusion is well founded, especially when you consider how many additional jobs members of parliament are allowed to take on, with a few hours work often exceeding their MP salary. You can even get your flat refurbed by donors. Who cares about running the country? Except as a racket.

But sadly for the opposition it isn’t much better. There’s a suspicion that decades of enrichment of Labour leaders, Union bosses, head teachers and so on has been an exceptionally clever wheeze by the right wing to draw them into the establishment. If you’re in the establishment and become a multi-millionaire off the status quo, there is perhaps limited internal desire to change it. Although some weekends will be set aside for waving placards.

Unfortunately for the people there maybe limited impact if they simply stop paying members of parliament.

“Most of them have sufficient external streams of income, well padded nests, offshore investments, wealthy donors and so on. They’ll miss the spare change of the MPs salary, but it’ll be fine if they still have the subsidised bar.”

It’s almost like the entire show is no longer fit for purpose.

SPORT OF KINGS : Tory MPs are up in arms today after they received yet another thrashing at the hands of people they assume are their inferiors.

It’s been a rough run of late for the team at CCHQ United as time after time they’ve come up against a single footballer and been thrashed. Many had said they should have conceded the School Meals Cup to Marcus Rashford and kept their dignity intact, but they were ignored. Repeatedly. The next decision to seek payback in a winner take all contest over anti-racism protests pitted Johnson and his team of donkeys against the entire English football team. The result went against the plucky squad of MPs from Little England, even with a whole squad of hard right gobshite ringers in the media establishment on their side.

There are not yet public rumours of a need to change the management at CCHQ, but that doesn’t mean many aren’t looking at their bluffer in chief and wondering if someone capable of forecasting further than their next alcoholic beverage may be a better strategist?

While the whiteboard is put up and the pens grabbed to form a new strategy undaunted Tory MPs are taking to social media as if they weren’t just thrashed completely yesterday.

“The demand for footballers to keep out of politics and stick to football is an understandable one,” a source inside CCHQ told LCD Views. “We can’t take it anymore. They keep handing us our arses! Who knew they would be so good at politics?”

Other sources are suggesting that if the MPs are so keen to spare their blushes and keep footballers out of the political arena they might try governing the country with an ounce of compassion for those less fortunate? But that is unlikely to be advice that is heeded and more rematches, and more thrashings for the Tories are expected.

STRONG AND STABLE SLOGANS : HOT on the HEELS of the SEX scandals and ministerial marriage BUST UPS the governing Conservative Party of England has been hit with a furore over its proposed new slogan.

The party of government has slowed its slogan production noticeably since genius, wonder, megabrain Dominic Cummings left Mr Johnson’s employment to pursue his lifelong ambition of winning the “No Shit Sherlock Awards” by revealing nothing that surprises anyone. And it seems the Cons are missing his magic touch when it comes to snappy, brain fogging catchphrases.

“It’s bafflingly long,” a 10 Downing Street insider told LCD Views, “it’s almost like an act of sabotage. How are our supporters going to process all that? It’s a far cry from the genius of Get Brexit Done! Three words. That’s all you need to take absolute power and keep it.”

However party insiders with a better handle on nuance appear to have other reasons for disliking the new slogan.

“They think it’s too honest,” the insider admits. “Vote Tory – It could be the last thing you do? It’s a clear reference to our pandemic policies and the one or two avoidable deaths that have happened as a result.”

Whether or not the people responsible for the new slogan will agree to modify it isn’t exactly clear though.

“They must be chasing the Freudian Slip Award? Mind you, given Mr Johnson’s announcement regarding the 19th of July I don’t think they’ll win it. We’re no longer concealing what we think of the value of the average voter’s life.”

STRONG AND STABLE INFECTION RATES : Many feared that the era of Sajid Javid as Health Secretary would be a mysterious one, with people left to wonder why him? Maybe it won’t be so bad? He was the guy who resigned on principle after all when Dominic Cummings was Prime Minister. Happily the mystery has already been solved and it seems clear what Mr Javid is about.

“It’s great,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “We can now fully embrace the pandemic policy we wanted from the start of the pandemic. It’s a policy that is a meme. You know the one? Some of you may die, and I’m alright with that. The rest of the world is impressed.”

As part of seeing through the decision to remove all restrictions in just a couple of weeks Mr Javid isn’t wasting any time making changes.

“He’s going to save the taxpayer an absolute tonne,” the source continues, “He’s merging the offices of The Department of Health and Social Care with The Daily Mail. That way they can share resources and it will make announcing policy changes much faster. He won’t even have to pick up the phone to the editor. He’ll just shout across the corridor. Or the editor will shout at him. It’s not clear which direction the decisions travel in.”

The change is expected to also bring tangible benefits in the manipulation of public opinion, as the hospitals begin to overflow with virus patients once more.

“People are letting the government down. It’s really tiresome. We’re going to let them make their own decisions about how to keep the strangers they encounter fleetingly safe from the invisible killer. So it will be the public’s fault. It’s all good. Sajid feels this is the right way to do things so that’s all the validation you need. We’ve had enough of those meddling scientists! The CRG are right behind him. You know them, they used to be the ERG. They’ve done exactly the same amount of research into the pandemic, and how to end it swiftly, as they did into Brexit. You can sleep soundly, unless you’re coughing of course.”

We have to learn to live with the virus, according to Mr Javid, which will be an excellent comfort to the 150,000+ who failed to do that. Strong and stable public health policies. If you want them you need a disaster capitalist.

HARD RAIN : Downing Street is said to be expecting a “tense and explosive” atmosphere today when the Prime Minister wakes up for lunch and learns of the Batley and Spen by election loss.

Aides to the PM are said to be drawing up a list of punishments for the constituency after the promise to fund something something something failed to secure sufficient votes to put another nodding dog in the House of Commons for the Conservatives.

“We’re doubly baffled. We had that idiot in the hat and the other guy who makes video blogs campaigning against Labour too, but somehow Jo Cox’s sister still beat us. Maybe we didn’t mention the vaccine roll out enough on the doorstep? Maybe the mistake is allowing by elections we might lose to take place at all? Did Libdem and Green voters betray us in numbers sufficient to steal the election? Something will have to be done. This is not the parliamentary democracy we staged a right wing coup for,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.

Exactly who will wake the Prime Minister and tell him of the loss is yet to be decided. It’s likely Mr Johnson’s current wife will put all the names of the SPADs in a hat and then draw one out.

“The constituency will pay, you can be sure of it,” the source adds. “Personally I prefer letting Trident have at them. Let’s just remove the constituency from the board with a mushroom cloud. That would be a sufficient warning to other areas thinking of doing the same.”

The most likely punishment though will be more patriotic.

“Gove wants to ban them flying the Union Flag for a week. That’s something that would really hurt a modern potatriot. We’ll probably go with that. Imagine the look on the Spen kids faces when they have to take a remote lesson at home, due to the pandemic bubble bursting, and there’s no Union Flag behind their teacher on zoom? Ouch!”

WHY DON’T YOU GO BACK WHERE YOU CAME FROM: People born overseas should not hold public office, according to Dido Harding. A true British Parliament should contain only British-born members. 

This makes perfect sense in the wake of her NHS comments. It is only fair and indeed consistent to apply the rule of eugenics to the Mother of all Parliaments. 

As is normal with such pronouncements, Harding has not thought through the implications. Her statement was aimed directly at the xenophobia of the gutter press reading numpties to create outrage, and no further. Just as she “forgot” that the NHS has always relied upon overseas labour, she “forgot” that the Prime Minister was not born in the UK. 

It is clear that Harding thinks that an American of Turkish descent is not fit to be an MP, let alone PM. This is true, but has nothing to do with his ethnic makeup. 

Naturally LCD Views wished to have the PM’s view on the matter. “Well, yes, no, hello there, cogito ergo sum, wiff waff, is it too early for champers?” came the reply from the Number Ten spokesman. “This is, erm, erm, erm, well, yes, no, I can categorically confirm that, erm, erm, erm, that our vaccine rollout is completely world beating, and we could only do that because we left the EU, erm, erm, erm, caveat emptor, wiff waff, thank you and goodbye!” 

So that’s all cleared up. 

Send Them Home Secretary Priti Patel has been tasked with deporting all foreign-born MPs. Home Office guidelines state that “any individual who, in the opinion of the Home Secretary, looks or sounds a bit foreign, shall be subject to instant deportation and having their pants pulled down for a laugh.” 

You can expect Johnson’s pants to be burning in world beating fashion. 

LEGAL FOM : THE UK’S PRIME MINISTER IS NO SLOUCH when it comes to his own interests and he’s going to prove it again with proposed changes to the legal powers of the Electoral Commission.

Currently the commission has a scandalous overreach in its powers where it can interrupt the PM’s long lunches to ask who paid for his curtains? And perhaps even call him to account over it. This is an intolerable situation which all patriots will concur must come to an end.

“Can you imagine the intrustion?” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “You’ve just finished the lobster thermidor and you’re eagerly anticipating the rib eye, with a side of sautee’d baby pangolins, and some desperate SPAD bursts in to say a girly swot is demanding to know how the £500K sofa was paid for? It’s ruining the governance of the entire country. Once doesn’t scale the heights just to be bored senseless by nerds banging on about rules and laws and zzzzz.”

But critics of the proposed changes have said it’s just for show as “no one in government is called to account for anything anymore anyway, no matter how egregious the rule breaking” adding, “even Priti Patel, who was found to be running her own foreign policy agenda and sacked was then made Home Secretary. When arguably she should have been run out of politics all together”.

It is hoped though that by demonstrating great flexibility with the laws that govern the United Kingdom, and changing them to suit the lifestyles of the rich and powerful – as has been successfully trialled all through the pandemic – that the EU will take note.

“If the EU can get with the programme and be as flexible with their laws as we are with ours than we can make a great success of Brexit.”

But just in case anyone is wondering how their day to day life maybe impacted, Downing Street has some words of comfort, “Don’t worry. If you’re a pleb and you’ve an unpaid parking fine your life is still there to be ruined by anyone who pleases.”