Category: Democracy

PAY PEANUTS…: The shocking fate of a Brexiter MP, an innocent public servant who has become the subject of a witch hunt by a cross party group of MPs, has led to an imagined recommendation from 10 Downing Street that MPs salaries rise to a minimum of one million pounds per year. A believable, but invented, leak has revealed.

It’s hoped the minor pay bump will defend stalwarts of representative democracy as they simply go about their job of paid advocacy for whoever pays them. In theory this is the public, but that is a naive and outdated perception which must be modernised. Public service can be the gateway to untold riches for mediocre individuals, and as such is an avenue of levelling up.

“One million pounds for annum will be the starting salary,” the leak explains. “This will have to be indexed to rise with inflation. MPs will receive performance bonuses on top of that, as is normal for any hardworking employee. There will be an additional pay increase if you are a Tory MP, as people expect you to earn additional income to meet rising living costs. Have you seen the cost of gas lately? Those stables don’t heat themselves! But former MPs, and especially former PMs, will be encouraged to capitalise on their brief stints in public service to make being an MP truly aspirational. This should encourage food bank freeloaders and UC layabouts to work harder.”

But critics of the initiative have said that they can’t see how paying public servants a massive salary will stop them seeking additional sources of revenue, outside of their expected parliamentary business.

“Those critics don’t understand how Brexit works,” a 10 Downing Street source commented. “Why did we have to leave the EU and all its red tape behind? This is what the people wanted. Now, aren’t you late for your indentured field work peasant?”

PAY TO PLAY : The wealthiest Tory MPs are in for a massive tax return today after completely fabricated reports said that 10 Downing Street is to make donations from foreign billionaires tax deductible.

Ever reliable, anonymous “sources” from inside the Executive began briefing pliant press mouthpieces that “tax efficient” changes were coming in order to “help complete the transformation from a liberal, representative democracy” into a total Kakistocracy.

The need for MPs to enrich themselves however possible while in office is seen as a key plank of post Brexit governance because “you never know when we’ll need to cut and run after trashing and asset stripping old Blighty”.

The tax deductible nature of the donations is also rumoured to include a special “you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours” clause which means both the giver and the receiver can claim it.

“This is a completely democratic change which will see investment and sponsorship pour into Westminster in numbers that dwarf even the deluge from sanctioned oligarchs to Tories post 2010,” the leak asserts. “It’s all part of building back better bank balances while keeping the plebs distracted with frequent threats of war with France over a fish.”

To make the new changes truly inclusive the rebate will be valid regardless of the currency used to make a donation.

“We’ll also be allowing the cash value of gifts such as holidays and dinners to be claimed against an MPs salary,” the leak also reveals. “This means that the Exchequer will be writing cheques for hardworking MPs that more than compensate for the sterling work they’ve done transforming the U.K. food supply chains and water quality.”

The public is expected to play their part by shrugging and going to Spoons for a pint that is now 3p cheaper.

REMEMBER REMEMBER THE 12TH OF DECEMBER : BORIS JOHNSON’S countryciding election victory on the 12th of December 2019 is set to become even more impressive following a new law passed this week.

The new law will rewrite history to “keep it relevant for the challenges of today” and will enable the PM to make changes necessary to properly allow him to move forward.

“The Great Rewriting Act allows the Prime Minister to keep history fresh and vibrant,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “It will also allow Mr Johnson and his cabal to explain to the British people exactly who is to blame for the frankly parlour state of the country.”

The law is thought to take its inspiration from the ingrained habit of Tory MPs to blame the “last Labour government” for any problem afflicting the country, even though they haven’t been in power since 2010.

“When you look at the disaster that was the Brexit negotiations it’s easy to see that if Labour hadn’t now been in power during the discussions it would have gone much better,” the source explains. “Mr Johnson’s Oven Ready Deal was the best of a bad job. Sleepy Starmer, Jobs First Corbyn and the Wrong Miliband Brother have a lot to answer for. If Mr Johnson hadn’t been able to outwit the EU into at least a basic trade deal heaven knows where we would be now.”

Quite how Labour will respond isn’t yet clear, although keen Westminster observers expect a muted response and an effort to be constructive with the latest bout of Tory insanity because “that’s worked so very well since the 24th June 2016” so why change tack now?

“Once the law has proven itself successful it is likely that Labour will find itself responsible for everything that happens right up to yesterday. This will allow the Prime Minister to credibly claim it will be a lovely day tomorrow under his governance. Day after day. Even as the country descends into total calamity under his watch.”

SORRY SEEMS TO BE THE HARDEST WORD: It is well known that the top brass in Westminster regard saying sorry to be a sign of weakness. This erroneous view has now been crystallised in a new Tory directive. 

Henceforth, any Conservative MP apologising for anything will be instantly deselected as a party MP. They will be barred from ever seeking reelection. Any prospect of becoming a Lord will vanish. The cushy non-executive directorships of blue chip companies will go to someone more loyal. 

The after dinner speeches will never take place. Nobody will be willing to give them a leg up, ever again. Their MP’s pension will mysteriously vanish. If they want to work again, they will have to go down to the Job Centre like the rest of us. 

This move is, apparently, part of the drive towards open government, democracy and accountability. 

“We are taking our cue from the Great Lady Thatcher,” explained Home Office wonk Anne Tagonist. “La belle dame sans merci. Or, in a proper English language, the beautiful woman who never says thank you. Or please. Or sorry.” 

This fits in perfectly with Send ‘Em Home Secretary Priti Patel’s vision of a kind, caring, modern Britain. 

“This initiative requires a great deal of planning and unity,” babbled Tagonist. “Part of this needs all MPs to sing from the same hymn sheet. They must all recognise that they are part of a grand plan. So they must support the message, even if they are incapable of seeing the bigger picture. But there can be no tolerance of dissent. Any implication that we might have got something wrong must be punished. Apologies cannot be made under any circumstances. There is no alternative!”

To sum up, if you don’t like it, leave the Conservative party, the old boys network,, the privilege and the gravy train. 

There’s nothing to be sorry about. 

SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO: Amnesia has struck our work-shy holiday addict of a Prime Minister. The man who claims he got elected on a promise to Get Brexit Done has conveniently forgotten which way he voted in the referendum. 

A Downing Street aide, Enda McTether, admitted this startling fact, while both confirming and denying that Johnson was away on an all expenses paid jolly. 

“The Prime Minister is not available to answer such trivial matters,” McTether scolded. “Don’t you know, he’s working night and day sorting out all this mess that definitely isn’t his fault.” 

We heard that he’s currently on holiday. 

“He strained a sinew and needs a rest,” confirmed McTether. “But he’s still working as hard as ever, he will not stop until he drops, so it’s not really a holiday is it, after all Marbella isn’t just a luxury resort on the Med, it’s a hotbed of workaholics, it has more laptops than Venice you know!” 

More sunbed than hotbed, by the sound of it. 

“You can top up your tan and sort out six kinds of national crisis at the same time!” screeched McTether. “Boris is in constant touch with Dominic Raab in case anything goes wrong!” 

Let’s just hope the sea is open again. So, now we know that Johnson is on holiday, even though he isn’t, and right on top of Carrie if nothing else, why don’t you let us know how he voted in the referendum? 

“He can’t remember, he’s slept since then!” said the very agitated McTether. “But it was definitely the right decision! It’s water under the bridge, it’s a private matter… it’s time to move on!” 

He’s pricked his own bubble. No wonder there’s so much hot air. The puffed up inflatable prime minister has let himself down. 

OPERATION BOWSER : 10 DOWNING STREET has reportedly been in a “huddle” over a crate of Masseto Toscana IGT, said to have been gifted to the Prime Minister from someone believed to have a villa in Tuscany. While the preference is usually for the most expensive wine that can be purchased and delivered as a gift from France, the PM is reported to be “thinking outside the box” to solve the fuel crisis.

“He’s come up with a crowd pleaser,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “A solution that will have many Tory MPs bursting their britches in delight and will warm the cockles of the ageing Sun and Mail readers.”

A solution is needed for the fuel crisis fast as currently 50-85% of the UK’s petrol stations have been emptied in panic buying. Quite why trust in the government has eroded to this point isn’t yet understood, but many are ready to blame Brussels.

“Conscription will get this sorted,” the source says. “Just imagine the joy on the faces of kippers and gammon up and down the land when they see the headlines on the papers? It’s not them who’ll be conscripted, so that’s alright. They can rest easy in their petrol queue knowing that some young layabout who’s had it too good their whole life will be wrenched out of their day to day routine and put in uniform.”

In order to get the numbers needed to fill the HGV void a press gang style conscription will be used.

“Just as soon as we’ve conscripted the soldiers to form the press gangs. This is a necessary first step because all the existing armed forces are currently already driving trucks, ambulances and picking fruit. It’s a mystery which idiots allowed armed forces to get so low in numbers over the last decade. Presumably it’s the fault of the last Labour government.”

Anyone not wishing to be conscripted can get an opt-out though, if they prepare in advance.

“Just be born into the family of a Tory or a donor and you’ll get a free pass and a PPE contract to apologise for the inconvenience.”

Join the army! Quick! Johnson is deploying it in so many areas he’s buggered already we’re definitely going to need more squaddies.

THE BORROWING OF THE NORTH : The rebranded Department for Levelling up, Housing and Communities has scored its first major triumph today with the successful relocation of one of ‘the North’s’ most famous landmarks.

The landmark in question is of course The Angel. Most people only know it from photos and few can guess where it used to be, except north of Watford, but now all you need to do is take a look at the Palace of Westminster.

The decision to relocate The Angel is rumoured to be that of the new head of the Department for Levelling Up, Michael Gove, who dreamed up the plan while “completely off his tits on a Scottish dancefloor” according to an unnamed source who we would trust as much as we trust Michael Gove.

The actual relocation was done in the “dead of night” so as not to disturb the ferret racing in the area by day.

“Michael was especially concerned not to interrupt the Flat Cap Appreciation Society Annual Beauty Pageant, which is either a real thing in the North or something else that came to him when he was hammered,” a source inside the Department tells LCD Views. “He knows a lot about the North. Not just that it’s grim up there. Now that he is in charge of levelling up they ain’t seen nothing yet. Gove will ensure the harrying by the Normans that everyone is still angry over will seem like a picnic.”

However not everyone is accepting the relocation of Gormley’s famous sculpture at face value.

“It’s a dead cat,” politcalcommentator wrote on Twitter, “it’s to distract us from whatever else they’re doing today.”

But defenders of the move has said, “It can’t be a dead cat as we’ve actually done it. You lot need to get your head around the fact that everything this government does is trolling. They don’t need to invent distractions when they do so much mind bending dumb shit daily.”

Any Northerners who are upset by the decision by the South to take one of their prized assets are asked to write to the Prime Minister personally, especially if you live in a former Red Wall seat.

“He enjoys all the letters. He reads them out to his guests over dinner and they all laugh.”

The Angel of the North will be renamed “The Angel of the South” in a ceremony later this week which will encapsulate what the Johnson government means by “Levelling Up.”

UPLIFTING : A minister has defended the planned cut to Universal Credit today by suggesting people aren’t fully “utilising their talents” and instead wasting time which could be put to profitable use.

Talking to the media they said that too many welfare recipients “waste time sleeping” when they could be working.

“There’s plenty of work to be had in the night,” the minister advised, “factory work for starters. And if you have to leave your children unattended, then as long as they’re asleep you don’t need to pay for childcare. But if you want to hire a babysitter than that’s creating employment for someone else. All it will take is a little imagination.”

The minister then went on to suggest that the long and glorious history of Tory MPs being caught with sex workers suggested a ready demand that could be met.

“People can go on the game. Why not? It will be tax free income too. Which will make people feel like they’re a member of the wealthy elite. It’s actually very aspirational.”

But when confronted by an interviewer who said this was a shocking dereliction of the government to care for the welfare of the citizens, the minister was non-plussed.

“Since 2010 we’ve been telling you we really could not give two shits about your quality of life or prospects. You’re there to be milked. You’re the fat of the land. The pandemic has given us the opportunity to make it plain as the nose on my face that we don’t care if you live or die. It’s hardly a stretch to suggest you stop sleeping and sell your bodies to eat? Just how hungry are you? A few hours in the dead of night will easily make up for what is lost to the UC cut and NI increase.”

LEAVE ORFF : Many have wondered since the EURef what the hell the Queen is for? Apart from postage stamps and cash. As the hard right ToryKippers lay waste to democratic standards and asset strip the UK, isn’t the Sovereign supposed to step in and restore order? Well the wondering is over.

A press release from The Palace this evening says the Queen has “had a gut full” and is going to “get involved.”

“Her Majesty will be effecting a mockney accent henceforth,” a well buttoned up spokesman revealed. “It is in the express hope that the United Kingdom will stop electing complete and utter planks to run it.”

The decision to change from RP is thought to lie in the ability of idiots with posh voices to fool the general public into thinking they know best. Clearly, they don’t.

“Just think about it, right?” the spokesman implored. “Last year, yeah, old Boris was going to save Christmas. He was going to save it from Covid. Which in itself was bloody obvious was not going to work, given he couldn’t be arsed to stop the virus in the first place. Then tens of thousands of honest citizens perished. FFS. But his accent means he’s still PM. Leave orff. Get in the sea Boris!”

It’s rumoured Her Maj has had some expert help to change her patter.

“She’s hired Jamie Oliver. He’s the most famous mockney going. He’ll sort her out. She’ll be sounding like a fish wife in no time.”

To begin with the Queen will memorise and use a set list of phrases. The pick of which is “That David Cameron? What a TWAT! He calls it on and then buggers off. He’s off in Nice with his trotters up!”

It’s hoped that by associating herself with barely understandable, common accents the Queen will convince the general population that a posh accent is no guarantee of competence.

“It’s worth a shot,” the spokesman added, “before we’re all brown bread. What she really wants to do is kick old Boris right in the Alberts.”

THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN AND THEIR VOICE MUST BE HEARD: Democracy is all, Lord Frost says. The British refuse to be ordered about by unelected Brussels bureaucrats on principle. Instead, Brussels must listen to unelected London bureaucrats. 

This is simply the way things are, Frost chides. The UK is a meritocracy, where the creme de la creme float naturally to the top. This cream is harvested, and stored in perpetuity in the House of Lords. 

However, Brussels has no such tradition, he states. Nations naturally tend to war with each other, over trifles such as Poland. To run the same system in the EU as in the UK risks elevating a bunch of warmongering contrarians to the highest office. 

The solution is easy, he claims, as Brexiters always do. Brussels must accept and respect British sovereignty. They must acknowledge the UK’s right to leave the EU, based on a corrupt referendum, in which just enough people voted the way they were told to. Brexit is democratic, therefore Brexiters are democrats, and therefore it is irrelevant that our bureaucrats are Lords. The sooner that Brussels accepts that we are right, the sooner we may make progress. 

“It’s a watertight argument,” explains constitutional advisor Connor Lotafolk. “We are reasonable people. The minute Brussels holds democratic elections for every single person who works for the EU, instead of appointing so-called experts, we can start to make progress. Their team must truly represent their people!” 

Lotafolk was puzzled when asked how the unelected Lord Frost truly represents the people. The look on his face resembled that on Dominic Raab’s face when he is confronted with a geography exam. 

“He’s English!” said Lotafolk finally. “He’s English, and an Englishman’s word is his bond. That’s enough for me, and it should be more than enough for Johnny Foreigner!” 

And if that doesn’t have Brussels quaking in their boots, I don’t know what will.