Category: Democracy

THE BORROWING OF THE NORTH : The rebranded Department for Levelling up, Housing and Communities has scored its first major triumph today with the successful relocation of one of ‘the North’s’ most famous landmarks.

The landmark in question is of course The Angel. Most people only know it from photos and few can guess where it used to be, except north of Watford, but now all you need to do is take a look at the Palace of Westminster.

The decision to relocate The Angel is rumoured to be that of the new head of the Department for Levelling Up, Michael Gove, who dreamed up the plan while “completely off his tits on a Scottish dancefloor” according to an unnamed source who we would trust as much as we trust Michael Gove.

The actual relocation was done in the “dead of night” so as not to disturb the ferret racing in the area by day.

“Michael was especially concerned not to interrupt the Flat Cap Appreciation Society Annual Beauty Pageant, which is either a real thing in the North or something else that came to him when he was hammered,” a source inside the Department tells LCD Views. “He knows a lot about the North. Not just that it’s grim up there. Now that he is in charge of levelling up they ain’t seen nothing yet. Gove will ensure the harrying by the Normans that everyone is still angry over will seem like a picnic.”

However not everyone is accepting the relocation of Gormley’s famous sculpture at face value.

“It’s a dead cat,” politcalcommentator wrote on Twitter, “it’s to distract us from whatever else they’re doing today.”

But defenders of the move has said, “It can’t be a dead cat as we’ve actually done it. You lot need to get your head around the fact that everything this government does is trolling. They don’t need to invent distractions when they do so much mind bending dumb shit daily.”

Any Northerners who are upset by the decision by the South to take one of their prized assets are asked to write to the Prime Minister personally, especially if you live in a former Red Wall seat.

“He enjoys all the letters. He reads them out to his guests over dinner and they all laugh.”

The Angel of the North will be renamed “The Angel of the South” in a ceremony later this week which will encapsulate what the Johnson government means by “Levelling Up.”

UPLIFTING : A minister has defended the planned cut to Universal Credit today by suggesting people aren’t fully “utilising their talents” and instead wasting time which could be put to profitable use.

Talking to the media they said that too many welfare recipients “waste time sleeping” when they could be working.

“There’s plenty of work to be had in the night,” the minister advised, “factory work for starters. And if you have to leave your children unattended, then as long as they’re asleep you don’t need to pay for childcare. But if you want to hire a babysitter than that’s creating employment for someone else. All it will take is a little imagination.”

The minister then went on to suggest that the long and glorious history of Tory MPs being caught with sex workers suggested a ready demand that could be met.

“People can go on the game. Why not? It will be tax free income too. Which will make people feel like they’re a member of the wealthy elite. It’s actually very aspirational.”

But when confronted by an interviewer who said this was a shocking dereliction of the government to care for the welfare of the citizens, the minister was non-plussed.

“Since 2010 we’ve been telling you we really could not give two shits about your quality of life or prospects. You’re there to be milked. You’re the fat of the land. The pandemic has given us the opportunity to make it plain as the nose on my face that we don’t care if you live or die. It’s hardly a stretch to suggest you stop sleeping and sell your bodies to eat? Just how hungry are you? A few hours in the dead of night will easily make up for what is lost to the UC cut and NI increase.”

LEAVE ORFF : Many have wondered since the EURef what the hell the Queen is for? Apart from postage stamps and cash. As the hard right ToryKippers lay waste to democratic standards and asset strip the UK, isn’t the Sovereign supposed to step in and restore order? Well the wondering is over.

A press release from The Palace this evening says the Queen has “had a gut full” and is going to “get involved.”

“Her Majesty will be effecting a mockney accent henceforth,” a well buttoned up spokesman revealed. “It is in the express hope that the United Kingdom will stop electing complete and utter planks to run it.”

The decision to change from RP is thought to lie in the ability of idiots with posh voices to fool the general public into thinking they know best. Clearly, they don’t.

“Just think about it, right?” the spokesman implored. “Last year, yeah, old Boris was going to save Christmas. He was going to save it from Covid. Which in itself was bloody obvious was not going to work, given he couldn’t be arsed to stop the virus in the first place. Then tens of thousands of honest citizens perished. FFS. But his accent means he’s still PM. Leave orff. Get in the sea Boris!”

It’s rumoured Her Maj has had some expert help to change her patter.

“She’s hired Jamie Oliver. He’s the most famous mockney going. He’ll sort her out. She’ll be sounding like a fish wife in no time.”

To begin with the Queen will memorise and use a set list of phrases. The pick of which is “That David Cameron? What a TWAT! He calls it on and then buggers off. He’s off in Nice with his trotters up!”

It’s hoped that by associating herself with barely understandable, common accents the Queen will convince the general population that a posh accent is no guarantee of competence.

“It’s worth a shot,” the spokesman added, “before we’re all brown bread. What she really wants to do is kick old Boris right in the Alberts.”

THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN AND THEIR VOICE MUST BE HEARD: Democracy is all, Lord Frost says. The British refuse to be ordered about by unelected Brussels bureaucrats on principle. Instead, Brussels must listen to unelected London bureaucrats. 

This is simply the way things are, Frost chides. The UK is a meritocracy, where the creme de la creme float naturally to the top. This cream is harvested, and stored in perpetuity in the House of Lords. 

However, Brussels has no such tradition, he states. Nations naturally tend to war with each other, over trifles such as Poland. To run the same system in the EU as in the UK risks elevating a bunch of warmongering contrarians to the highest office. 

The solution is easy, he claims, as Brexiters always do. Brussels must accept and respect British sovereignty. They must acknowledge the UK’s right to leave the EU, based on a corrupt referendum, in which just enough people voted the way they were told to. Brexit is democratic, therefore Brexiters are democrats, and therefore it is irrelevant that our bureaucrats are Lords. The sooner that Brussels accepts that we are right, the sooner we may make progress. 

“It’s a watertight argument,” explains constitutional advisor Connor Lotafolk. “We are reasonable people. The minute Brussels holds democratic elections for every single person who works for the EU, instead of appointing so-called experts, we can start to make progress. Their team must truly represent their people!” 

Lotafolk was puzzled when asked how the unelected Lord Frost truly represents the people. The look on his face resembled that on Dominic Raab’s face when he is confronted with a geography exam. 

“He’s English!” said Lotafolk finally. “He’s English, and an Englishman’s word is his bond. That’s enough for me, and it should be more than enough for Johnny Foreigner!” 

And if that doesn’t have Brussels quaking in their boots, I don’t know what will. 

ROYAL SEAL CLAPPING : Queen Elizabeth II is set to be relieved of the range of duties she’s clearly too elderly or too disinterested to perform after Prime Minister Boris Johnson is crowned King in Somerset this week.

The decision to hold a coronation for the Prime Minister is said to be a “mere formality” to formalise the changes to the way the UK is governed, thanks to Brexit. Whether or not Mrs Johnson will also be crowned is a matter of intense debate within Downing Street, with rumours saying King Johnson is resisting the move because he doesn’t yet have a slogan ready to completely remove the aged monarch from the constitutional power structure.

The ceremony itself will draw on the deep and rich history of modern Britain with the prime minister being crowned and anointed while sitting in the cockpit of a Spitfire. The spitfire itself will be hung with hi vis Union Flag bunting for the event and a ring of Tory MPs run around it in a circle making machine gun noises.

“The coronation puts paid to the pathetic discussion over how much actual work the Prime Minister will do during his four day working holiday,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “The Prime Minister will have to sit still for several minutes while the holy oils are applied and anyone who knows the spoiled brat of British politics knows that’s work enough for a whole week.”

A lavish banquet will be held after the coronation with the army being brought in to ensure the supplies of champagne and caviar are not intercepted by the “marauding hordes of peasants rioting over food”.

While the holiday itself was a strong enough message to send to the nation that Mr Johnson sees himself as a sovereign and not an elected representative, the actual wearing of a crown will make the reality clear to anyone who hasn’t yet noticed.

After the coronation the new King will take a holiday to prepare himself to holiday when the next entirely foreseeable crisis strikes his kingdom.

LIFE’S A BEACH: Under pressure PM Boris Johnson has been forced by circumstances to cut short his holiday. This is due to pressure from a Tory donor richer and more powerful than the one funding his current jolly. 

Johnson, as we all know so well, is a man of principle. His principal principle is to chase the largest benefit available to himself. So he is cutting short his £40,000 holiday to take up the offer of an £80,000 vacation. 

The Nolan Principles and the Ministerial Code have been officially consigned to history. They are so out of date and frankly socialist. Instead Parliament is now obliged to adhere to the Rule of Boris. This states that the primary and overriding obligation of an MP is to to push their snout into more and deeper troughs. 

The mystique of Mustique are so old hat. This is a golden opportunity for wealthy vultures seeking favours. While there is a Prime Minister so self serving and bribeable as Johnson, rich men will fall over themselves to do him favours, in the expectation that bigger favours will flow their way. This is a world in which an investment in an £80,000 holiday will result in enormous opportunities. For example, the sole right to sell health insurance to the public so they may access the soon-to-be privatised NHS. 

Here, at last, is one of the promised Brexit Opportunities! The only criteria to access these Opportunities are being wealthy, being well connected, and possessing absolutely no morals whatsoever. 

Ultimately, the PM and indeed the entire cabinet will be being paid handsomely to be on holiday 52 weeks of the year. And who will step into the void? Who cares, things will sort themselves out in time. We Are British. We will muddle through. What does it matter if the plague-ridden plebs slowly starve to death? 

Follow the money. Boris Johnson always does. 

THEY ALL FLOAT DOWN HERE : The House of Commons has “bowed to media pressure” and will be providing the daily, live link to the ceaseless debate in the Commons over the “level of citizens it’s acceptable to lose to an infectious disease that can be controlled with basic measures”.

Pressure on 10 Downing Street to televise the hours of detailed, sober and scientifically based discussion over strategies for minimalising the spread of the lethal virus has been growing within the Conservative Parliamentary Party and from the Official Opposition.

“We didn’t just have some endless culture war over masks and then pursue herd immunity via natural infection, regardless of the avoidable loss, because we’ve all got private health care,” one Tory MP told LCD Views.

“We need to calibrate the response to the disease to ensure the right balance between personal freedoms and eradicating those in our communities in time for Priti Patel to try half of you for thought crime. To do anything else would be like some bargain basement autocracy that doesn’t care if ordinary people die avoidably, so long as those who survive can be gas lit into continuing to support the supreme leader, and indulge his craven need to feel powerful. In fact to do anything else would be to open yourself up to the accusation you’re an irresponsible government, internationally irresponsible with it, and the plebs just got lucky the boffins came up with those jabs in time or you’d all be having us go medieval on your arse.”

The livestream will be shown on terrestrial TV as well as digital channels to ensure maximum accessibility.

“My golly goodness!” the MP added, “can you imagine the loss daily to families if we’d just become used to old Boris ruling like a tyrant with powers he’s completely unsuitable to hold because we had to get Brexit done? It’d be carnage.”

IT IS BETTER TO SAY NOTHING AND BE THOUGHT A FOOL: Especially if, like Boris Johnson, you have blagged yourself into a job in the public eye. Johnson is the Prime example of Great British Management Theory. This states, essentially, that the ability to sell yourself in a posh voice trumps expertise every time. 

Johnson could have followed the example of Ronald Reagan, a second rate actor who did a second rate job of playing a second rate President. He was elected twice because he smiled in public and learned his lines. 

Johnson doesn’t have the common sense or work ethic to do either task. So the only remaining viable option is to disappear from view. 

“It worked for Michael Gove,” stated Number Ten spokes-stooge Hydon Seeke. “After his divorce was splashed all over the tabloids, he vanished without trace. His popularity ratings went through the roof! Boris is considering the same tactic.”

It’s not as if Johnson doesn’t have form. When a crisis approaches, he goes on holiday. When in an awkward situation, he disappears into the nearest refrigeration cabinet.

On every occasion, he spoils the effect by reappearing and saying stuff. 

“It would be better if Boris never came out into the public eye ever again,” observed Seeke. “His inability to make sense, his uncontrolled lying, his insistence on talking about vaccines. There is no situation that could not be made worse by Boris simply being Boris. So this time we are going to put a lock on the fridge door.”

And if that doesn’t work, what’s the backup plan?

“Booze, drugs, totty, another long holiday. The usual,” said Seeke. “But this time he won’t be able to come home. Exile, I think, is the answer. And we will make sure that there is no internet this time!”

Never mind Churchill, this will be Johnson’s Napoleon moment. It won’t be the first time a scruffy overweight failed dictator who can’t tell his arse from his Elba has been permanently removed from public life for his own – and his country’s – good.

I FEEL BETTER NOW I’VE GOT THAT OFF MY CHEST : Downing Street is said to be “coping” today after the exhaustive list of Tory MPs who resigned the party whip, after expressing complete disgust over the Johnson/Raab Afghanistan failure, was released.

The list is thought to be final and will draw a line under the calamity for the Johnson administration, which has otherwise governed supremely at home and abroad. If it hadn’t been doing such a sterling job the party of government, fiscal responsibility, family values and defence would have acted by now, wouldn’t they?

“We were actually relieved the list wasn’t longer,” a 10 Downing Street insider told LCD Views. “When you consider how angry they were in the Commons debate, it looked like curtains for Johnson and Raab. But now he may just limp on to create another completely foreseen and avoidable catastrophe. And Raab can go back to Crete in a day or two. It’s hilarious. The Mother of Parliaments, what are you like?”

And limp on Johnson will, so long as he is still perceived as a vote winner by the party of landlords and power.

“Nazarin Zaghari-Ratcliffe, Brexit, Covid, Afghanistan, what will he achieve next? It’s a good thing no one talks about the Garden Bridge, the Arcuri affair and that holiday in the Italian villa. If this stuff became public knowledge he could be in some hot water. I mean, who would allow that sort of character to govern? You’d have to be totally self-interested empty vessels.”

But even though the list is now public knowledge, it’s unlikely to change the calculations in Downing Street over how to govern.

“Clearly the Tory MPs who spoke out against Johnson yesterday are now stuffed. They can look forward to being de-selected for the 2022 General Election. None of them have the foresight to see the payback coming down the line though. Which actually makes them Cabinet material.”

THE BUCK STOPS WHERE : The United Mingingdom’s Prime Minister Boris Johnson is said to have entered crunch talks over the price of handing the premiership over to rising Tory star Rishi “Bootstrap” Sunak.

It’s understood the talks over what Mr Johnson wants to pass the coveted prize of British politics over to Mr Sunak have been in preliminary stages for some time with the negotiations so far conducted in writing.

“Boris keeps losing the letters,” a 10 Downing Street insider tells LCD Views. “It’s slowed the negotiations down no end. Rishi is getting impatient and there’s a risk he may walk away from talks altogether if the PM doesn’t cut the pillow talk and get down to business.”

While a straight purchase of what is theoretically an elected post would be the most likely, it is also rumoured that there is a possibility of buying a controlling stake in operations at 10 Downing Street from its current largest shareholder, Rupert Murdoch. Mr Johnson can stay on as the public face of the business, but with little actual involvement in day to day decision making. Clearly that is a tempting proposition for all involved as it means the least change to how the business of government operates currently.”

Critics of the decision by the Prime Minister to sell his post to Mr Sunak have voiced their concerns over the degregation of representative democracy in the U.K. but they’ve been ignored.

“They clearly have not been paying attention to what’s happened to U.K. parliamentary sovereignty since Brexit and the decision to take back control and give it all to Boris and his backers,” the source laughs, “and what will they do to stop the sale? Mr Johnson will legislate for it and his party will pass it into law before the Queen adds her stamp. It’s pretty much a done deal.”

Advocates of the sale are thought to believe that allowing the free market to decide who runs the country is the best way to secure its future.

“Mr Sunak brings a wealth of experience to the business of government and can be guaranteed to keep giving customers of 10 Downing Street what they know and love,” a bland press release states.

“It is our hope that Mr Johnson will decide to stay with 10 Downing Street after the sale and transfer of executive power is concluded to ensure the manufacture of first rate sound bites for public consumption is unaffected. And also to turn up with a mop in public when required, as Mr Sunak doesn’t have the hair for that.”