Category: Democracy

‪Baking enthusiasts have reason to rise with a smile today with the latest polling of U.K. voting intentions giving a clear lead to Cake.

While a growing force in mainland British politics over the last few years, the last polls by NoGov have taken all the usual pundits by surprise.

”We just did not see it coming,” John Marr-Neil told LCD Views, “admittedly pundits with markedly strong left and right leaning biases have been promoting Cake in all their articles since mid 2016, but still, it’s a doozy.”

Not being able to find our electoral analyst in the office we phoned her up.

”What do you want?” Rosie S snapped down the line.

”It took you an age to answer. If you’ve ducked out to the shops and aren’t bringing me back a flat white chai decaf latte espresso I’m going to be a bit frosty,” the chief quipped.

”It’s my day off. What. Do. You. Want?”

”News cycles do not rest.”

Silence. Just silence. Except for the sound of a woman attempting to stop a toddler eat cake out of an ashtray.

”Rosie? Are you there?”

”I’ve just seen my three year old tear over to a stranger’s table and mix a triple chocolate muffin into an ashtray and try and eat it. It happened because I’m on the phone on my day off.”

That sounded positively strident.

”We just want to know what you think about Cake taking what appears to be an insurmountable lead in the polls?”

”Hardly surprising. Most prominent politicians, bar a few noteworthy exceptions, are pushing cakeism as a viable alternative.

Single market and customs union access after Brexit? Answer Cake.

Maintaining trade and no risk of paramilitary activity in Northern Ireland after Brexit? They can have cake too.

Worried about the loss of over 750 international agreements on Brexit day? Cake. Mate. Have some cake.”

Okay. I think we’re holding this in both hands.

”Don’t drop it. I’m not baking another.” Rosie advises, more coolly.

”How can you hear my thoughts?”

”If you think I’m real sunshine, you better lay off the cake.”

Who will you vote for next time? An overegged sponge or a bag of 200 year old ships biscuits?

Yummy choices indeed. Cake. Have it and eat it today. Or tomorrow. It doesn’t look like going stale in a hurry.

 

Tin foil suit salesmen, Brexiters and biffers are cheering wildly today as the Tory press turns its Sauron like eye onto George Soros.

“It’s almost got me in a state of joy so fierce I’m catatonic,” said Nazi memorabilia enthusiastic, Mr Pond Life,

“I mean Brexit had become a little stale for me, what with my limited attention span and loathing of fact.

But a Jewish conspiracy theory leading by implication to the secret Rothschild bank conspiracy to take over the world and flood MY INGLAND with muslamic refugees?

It’s like winning the world cup of bifferdom for a biffer like me.”

We asked our flat earth specialist, Mr K Nowledge, for his analysis of the latest twist in the Brexit psychodrama.

“Well it’s certainly putting more psycho in the drama,” he helpfully observed,

“and I wouldn’t be surprised if the Tory press go even further and attempt to link it to a secret communist conspiracy sex plot to subvert the will of the people, funded and fronted by others similar to Mr Soros, who are well known for being bang on for promotion of the communist utopia on an earth shaped like a dinner plate.”

It’s also a useful pick me up for a hard right Tory coup that had come to look a bit silly in recent weeks.

What with Boris revealed as a mummy whose mind rotted out centuries past.

Jacob Rees-mogg and Steve Baker revealed as perhaps the least competent conspiratorial pair since the gunpowder plotters.

Nadine Dorris never wanting to play chess again because she can’t understand how to use a bishop and then calling for the game to be outlawed.

The perpetual fumbling machine the government has built on the border between NI and the Republic.

The horrifying economic forecasts produced and leaked by the department that’s supposed to be promoting Brexit.

Not to mention a defence secretary who forgets his chequered past and gets outplayed, finding himself with egg all over his face, after trying to take on Russia for his own party political ends.

It’s not been a good run.

Good thing the opposition are playing the ‘long game’ or the government would have been finished.

“Yes Jewish money conspiracy theory? What’s not to like?

Brexit is all about mobilising race, ethnic, religious hatreds and nationalism towards the ends of neocon capitalists who want to strip away working people’s rights and profit of that and the rest of Brexit.

Imagine the boom in arms sales anticipated if Brexit is successful in the UK, then refined and used cut and paste to carve other countries out of the EU?”

We could go from saying it’s like the 1930’s in here, to it’s like the 1940’s.

“Yes! And how good was the swing music then!”

Well, it’s nice to see some balance in the debate anyway, with the smearing vilification of George Soros, the hard right Tory backing press has shown it still has depths to plumb!

“The only real risk is that Labour finds itself now being attached to a cart and donkey that they perhaps finally don’t want to be seen to help push along the rutted road to Brexit.”

What happens then?

“There’s the outside, and I admit it’s exceptionally distant, outside possibility they switch finally and oppose Brexit, rather than facilitate  it.

Which most probably brings down May’s government.

Which will also throw the Tory press barons into such an enraged, monkeys flinging scat at walls frenzy of gibberish, that it breaks the hard right Tory press.

We really do need to take stock of where the United Kingdom is headed, now more than ever with Brexit press trying to Jewish conspiracy card.

Are we determined to move from a neocon Conservative government to the same government, but rebranded over time as national socialism, or not?”

Big questions for a Sunday lunch chat.

“Indeed. Break the Tory press and its democracy rotting power? Who would want to do that? Not old Corbyn. He’s a pacifist.”

Sounds like another attempt to subvert the will of the people.

“Or serve the interests of the many, instead of the few?”

That’s possible too.

We see “respect the will of the referendum” everywhere from Leavers.

Not only the diehard Brexiters.

Labour leaders and activists love to roll it out too as some magic bullet when their unofficial alliance with the Tories on Brexit is questioned.

“Labour respects the result of the referendum”, a stock response.

Well, here’s a counter to that tired and empty phrase be it from a Torykipper or a Labour person. My focus is more on Labour because it’s reasonable to assume that Brexit can be stopped by Labour…

You respect the result of the referendum?

I’m not trying to stop you doing that.

But if a friend tells you they’re going to harm themselves, do you respect their decision so much you try to assist them in doing it?

Or are you able to both respect their decision and try to stop them?

If you just let them carry on, how good a friend does it make you, if you could have intervened and didn’t?

How good a friend to the United Kingdom is Jeremy Corbyn MP at the moment?

Is Theresa May MP?

Are all the many MP’s who we know believe Brexit will be an horrific act of self harm by this country good friends to the United Kingdom?

As they respect the narrow margin/will of the referendum…and quietly tug the forelock to the leader?

Be a friend.

Respecting the decision, for its serious intent, does not stop you trying to stop a friend (an entire country in this case) from a determination to self harm.

Reeks & Smogg have allegedly seized on a gap in the consumer market as an opportunity to sell ‘snake oil’ and they’ve the right man for the sales job.

A representative of the alternative herbal products company, which has modelled itself on Holland & Barratt, with the exception that the products Reeks & Smogg sell will make you ill, spoke to LCD Views on the benefits of their new product, Jacob’s Oils.

“We have tested it in the Badlands of South Dakota and been surprised by the number of Trump T shirt clad customers purchasing our product,” the Somerset businessman said, “It is literally flying off the shelves. And the customer reviews are rave, even if unintelligible.”

An Exeter R&M shop assistant told us,

“We started stocking Jacob’s Oils in the UK in the summer of 2016.

At first it was a slow seller.

But sales increased significantly just before Christmas 2017. His media profile seems to be rising even as the light dims over his former competitor Nigel of Nigel’s Creams for democratic boils.”

LCD Views has to say we were amazed to see Jacob’s Oils recommended on the ITV Robert Peston show, on the 4th February 2018, by former head of the civil service Lord O’Donnell in his reference to a group of government snake oil salesmen.

Upon further investigation Dominic Raab and Micheal Gove suggested they use Jacob’s Oils to promote their chest hair growth.

This concurs with the buyers in South Dakota who said they also bought the product following Melania Trump, and her slip of the tongue to Voque, about The Donald and his use of numerous hair growth products.

“Donald recommends Jacob’s Oils by Reeks & Smogg, instead of Brylcreem, every day. Just rub it on your brain and you’re away.”

It’s almost as if they’re all in on it together…

Great news for careerists at Westminster with the news that Conservative MP’s caught lying about civil service conspiracy plots to undermine Brexit, will now be automatically added to this year’s honours list.

”It’s especially good news for Steve Baker MP and outdated f*ckwittery engine Jacob Rees-mogg MP,” our parliamentary correspondent says.

”Allegedly, and it’s not confirmed, the evidence is only circumstancial and damning, the two cooked up a plan to rubbish civil service economic forecasts produced by the Westminster comedy club, DExEU, for use in planning the United Kingdom’s destruction.

After the destruction we will rebuild as a tax haven. It’s nice.”

While all of this is pure speculation, it’s believed the two honest brokers decide to beat the living hell out of the truth in order to make it fit their ideological purposes.

”If it was a con-spiracy to smear the civil service by abuse of parliamentary privilege, it was pretty bloody hamfisted, cynical and pathetic,” our correspondent adds,

“imagine being that devoid of integrity and lacking that much respect for democracy and the position of a people’s representative?

Old school public school bully mentally. Pick on the ones who can’t fight back. What a lark! And serve your own ends in the process. Nice work if you can get it, like being an MP and all the expenses and privilege.”

Asked for comment on what sanctions will be taken against the devious, truth fighting duo, the terrified and clueless woman who thinks she is the prime minister issued the following statement,

“On the 23rd of June 2016 the British people voted to ensure all Conservative Party MP’s caught lying in parliament to be automatically included on that year’s honours list.”

The British people have spoken, now let them be quiet.

Scientists from the Institute of Exasperation in Coalchurch, Essex,  have issued a statement today revealing the perpetual futility machine is nearing the end of its working life.

”It lasted a lot longer than we expected with such a small power source in the CPU,” Professor O. M. Gawd, told our tech boffin.

”We may decide to end the experiment early or we may not.”

The Professor revealed that the experiment had exceeded expectations too in one key area.

”The sheer amount of futility generated has really been something, especially if you’ve been caught in the area affected by the PFM.

The drag zone, to get all techie on you, the drag zone has been detected as far away as the east of Europe and even some days the Middle East.”

Will they be working on a successor model?

”We’re not sure we can get the funding. Our donors aren’t keen.

Although there is maybe one or two EU27 citizens in the U.K. who are not yet caught in the drag zone, most indigenous people have been.

But it would be worth it to measure the impact on them. Just what is the gross futility a PFM can generate?”

So what’s next?

”We’ll place the machine on a quiet bench, somewhere in the back, to power down when we’re sure it’s finished its working time.”

This will allow you to focus on the next project at the Institute for Exasperation?

”Yes. The Boris Boris Boris Engine. But we’re not sure if releasing so much nonsense into the atmosphere while the waves of futility are still ebbing away is ethical. We’ll have to debate it.”

Good luck Professor. We would like to say we’ve certainly felt the waves of the PFM in our office day in and out since mid 2016.

Whatever next?

Legendary British patriot and inventor of things that suck to varying degrees, James ‘I only move money offshore because I love Blighty so much it hurts’ Brexit Dyson has revealed plans for a revolutionary new prime minister who sucks even harder.

LCD Views’ political technology correspondent spoke to the legend himself to hear more.

“Do you ever get the feeling when you look at Theresa May that she doesn’t quite suck enough?” Dyson asked.

No. We don’t. We think she’s at about 200,000 watts already.

“Do you ever think, if I designed a prime minister, they would suck even harder than this one?”

Who is interviewing who here?

“Well I do. When I’m counting my money in my little house in Malaysia, wondering how to get more tax efficient, because that’s how much I love England, I pause with my pencil above the yellow legal pad and I realise if I designed a prime minister they would suck even harder.”

Finally a statement and not a question.

“Do you know what I’m going to do about it?”

Here we go again.

“I’m going to design a Brexit prime minister that sucks even harder than Theresa May. A Brexit prime minister that will just crash out of the EU and let the chips fall where they may.”

Dyson went on to reveal he has already finished the sketches and his perfect prime minister to lead the country through these troubled times would look something like a fop caricature from the Edwardian period. Maybe even earlier.

“Do you ever decide to go on an ideological crusade against one of the pins underpinning peace in Europe since WW2 because you lost a battle about environmental standards on vacuum cleaners years ago? And you’re so convinced of your God given right to do whatever the hell you want that you can’t handle it?”

Finally one we can answer.

“No. We don’t. What’s the tax regime like in Malaysia?”

LCD Views’ parliamentary reporter has phoned in from a pub off Westminster Green to reveal MP’s are dropping support for Brexit like a bag of flaming shit.

”It’s an obscure bit of legislation attached to the 1974 European Economic Communities act,” O. Cromwell reports,

”basically, the law links the future pensions, and the present ability to claim expenses, to the success of any future EU withdrawal bill. And curiously, demands, post any withdrawal, that supportive MP’s only eat imported American grown food. Nice bit of foresight.”

It seems very few members for parliament are aware of the existence of the law, named ‘the decline and fall blowback provision’.

”So few MP’s have engaged in any serious investigation of the ramifications of Brexit, that hardly any we’re aware Brexit may have a personal, financial cost.”

Is that because most are confident they can just hide in the shadows, let the disaster happen, and then say,

‘I was only following orders. Can I have my pension now please? I’m retiring to work on the board of a company linked to the ministry I worked at while in government?’

”Something like that. Teflon suit sales are booming. It’s one of the key British industries that are finding tangible benefits from Brexit.”

But can’t MP’s just repeal the bill and continue to claim?

”In theory yes. However, they would have to abolish the constitutional monarchy to do so, thanks to the link to the “absolutist reform bill” of 1689, which linked any future European Treaties, designed by a post war generation of MP’s, to the threat of return of absolutism. Very few are willing to do that.

They don’t want to be remembered as the generation that elected a president, especially with what’s going on across the pond. Although, arguably, the Henry VIII powers in the EU Withdrawal Bill are doing more than that, if passed.”

So Brexit is finished?

”We’ll have to see about that. The majority of MP’s really backing Brexit, the ultras, keep their cash offshore in US and Euro accounts. The bigger the disaster, the bigger the profit for them and the gaggle of dark money backers of Brexit. This might just encourage them.”

How will Labour respond to this?

”They’ll have Keir Starmer write a ditty and play the ukulele in the commons, like usual, but they’re likely as things stand, to be the last party still holding the flaming bag of shit.”

A Downing Street insider has phoned LCD Views, repeatedly, to tell us that Theresa May’s work phone is now just going straight to voicemail until she works out what she wants.

“I was experimenting to see if something was wrong,” the insider said, on the promise of anonymity,

“I stood in the hallway and phoned. The phone is on her desk. But she wouldn’t pick it up.

It just rings with her “I still haven’t found what I’m looking for” ring tone for about thirty seconds before the voicemail kicks in.

God knows how Donald is going to get through to her to talk turkey when it’s time to sell U.K. plc to the yanks?”

The insider believes the reason is Ms May is worried Angela Merkel will phone, again, to ask her what she wants, again.

“She has no idea, of course, just a fuzzy idea about being Britain’s greatest prime minister, apart from David Cameron.

Never go out for a quick bite with her. She can stare at a menu with four options and never decide.”

But surely she has some aides who can answer for her?

“She has several. But they aren’t allowed to touch her phone. She’s a bit of a control freak. All detail. No decision.

The aides are mostly in trouble and standing in the corner facing the wall anyway.

It’s a bit of a shambles, if I’m honest. But I love her sense of self appointed authority.”

But what if a Tory party donor tries to phone?

“She’s definitely not answering.

Not all of them think they’ll profit of crashing out of the EU, tanking the currency and flogging off the NHS to the yanks.

Some are actually pretty cheesed off. Which is weird. Money is supposed to always make money. Unless the government is completely screwing up everything.

But that can’t be the case, because the official opposition are aligned on the most important policy matter.”

We asked our insider to try one more time and we’d record the call.

They agreed.

“Nope. Just U2…now the voicemail. God she sounds terrified.

Hello Theresa, it’s Kate Hoey phoning again.

We need to talk soon about how we’re going to stage manage the EU Withdrawal Bill when it returns to the Commons.

I can’t give Starmer the notes if you won’t talk to me. Please phone back. My number is 666. Thank you.”

The scandalous news today that Wales is to give 16 year olds the vote in council elections has caused a justified outcry among much older, wiser people who voted to quit the EU because of a big, red bus.

“It’s scandalous!” Reg Reg-Reg frothed,

“a sixteen year old is not mature enough to decide their future.

Why, some of them don’t even bother to read the side of a bus when deciding what to do [regarding complex economic and social changes].”

Reg Reg-Reg is not alone.

Millions of middle aged, and up, people this morning are considering starting a petition to turn back this clock too.

“Okay, they’re mature enough to decide at which university, being transformed financially along neocon ideological lines, they wish to gather £50K worth of debt at,” Reg conceded,

“They’re old enough to become an army cadet, setting themselves on a path to get blown up in some hellish conflict to celebrate being old enough to vote.

They’re even old enough to have sex legally and start a family as a consequence, as ill advised as that maybe, maybe not.

And they’re mature enough to be able to legally drive a moped, this taking their own life in their hands on the roads, and potentially causing an accident, or not, involving people of voting age.

But I’ll be buggered if you can convince me they’re mature enough to influence their immediate future at the ballot box.”

That’s only for older heads.

The sort of heads that see a big blonde man boy bouncing about in front of a lie on a big, red bus and ditch all critical facilities and vote for the bus.

“Give sixteen year olds the vote, where will it end?” Reg Reg-Reg demanded,

“foetuses will be voting next.

Just like what happened with equality of marriage. People started legally marrying furniture the day after. This progression of society and its values has got to stop.”

Reg Reg-Reg did call LCD back later to add, sixteen year olds should be able to decide to attend public hanging if they want.

Just as well, because many Quitters favour that.

The will of the people, you know you want it, just not until you’re old enough, as determined by a man who voted based on…