Category: Democracy

Theresa May is to build on her party’s general election success last year by calling a snap GE, to lose more MPs so she can finally quit as prime minister.

”She’s fed up with waiting about looking a complete and utter plank,” Damien Green MP told LCD Views over breakfast at the Ritz.

”She fully expected to have been able to hand Brexit to Johnson and/or Gove by now.

She’s read out every inane and self-contradicting statement they ask of her. But still she’s the one holding the Brexit can. It wasn’t the deal.

Rees-mogg could be leader if he wants. Theresa isn’t bothered, if our party is as insane as everyone suspects and goes for it.

But no one will actually put the knife in. People just keep waving daggers about and shouting. Bunch of pussies. She’s fed up.”

It appears the prime minister is further encouraged to call a snap GE by the endless run of lost council seats in by-elections.

”We just keep getting panned. The Libdems are getting 40-50% swings in a lot of by-elections.

This explains the extraordinary denigration reserved by Momentum activists for anyone they suspect of not backing Saint Jezza online. Don’t question Jezza and Brexit, unless you’ve already turned off your twitter notifications.”

But how many seats would May need to lose to get out of office?

”Her own would be the jackpot!” Damien hooted, “failing that? Twenty to thirty would be brilliant. But ending in a dead heat with Labour is the real risk.”

Why’s that?

”Those trots ruining Labour don’t want government. They’re enjoying the perks of being the official opposition for eternity.

You can’t tell me they couldn’t have pushed the whole rotten Tory cabal out of office by now by merely half heartedly opposing Brexit. Not voting through article 50 before any preparation was done would have nailed it. But they seized the chance of the endless struggle.”

What are you really saying?

“Jeremy Corbyn doesn’t want to be prime minister. He’s an old man. He wants to be a figurehead and sail about kissing hands.”

So the risk is what exactly?

”Labour will refuse to govern as a coalition. And we’ll be stuck holding the wrong end of the stick until we burst into flames and burn the country to the ground.”

Call it then!

”We will. Just as soon as we’ve worked out the catchphrase and worked up a new policy as sufficiently barmy as the dementia tax. That was a stroke of genius. It almost nailed the last defeat to the floor for us.”

LCD Views can barely contain itself with the latest release of Labour’s detailed Brexit plan now including a promise that Jeremy Corbyn himself will wash the feet of people who lose their jobs if Labour’s ‘jobs go first Brexit’ is adopted as “the” Brexit.

“It’s insane,” A Intern said, while washing the coffee mugs in the LCD kitchenette, “to think if you sack me after Brexit our lord and saviour Jeremy Corbyn himself will come around to my parents’ house and wash my feet? Intense flavour man.”

The additional offer is being made to double down on the success of Labour’s promise to remove the United Kingdom from the 21st century as surely as their parliamentary co-conspirators, the Conservatives are promising to.

“Do I have to get in line behind the steel workers? The aerospace employees? The service sector types? Or will I get preferential treatment because I refuse to question Labour’s constant hedging on the biggest public policy issue for generations because they don’t want to upset voters who can’t be bothered to educate themselves about the impact of Brexit?

And because we all know JC is a miracle worker and will easily solve all of society’s ills with or without money in the public purse. To actually question Corbyn’s actions on Brexit is heresy. It makes your personally responsible for the death of homeless people right now.

You only have to talk to a Momentum activist on Twitter to be told that. Often for three or four days in a row after a one or two exchange conversation. They are winning hearts and minds.”

We think you have to get in line, regardless of how closely you adhere to dogma. Support for Brexit is a matter of principles for the Labour leadership.

“Can they conduct a lottery? Will it happen on a Saturday before I do my weekly sock change?”

You’ll have to wait for further details.

“It’s kept me behind the boy, who cares about the how and why?

The most important thing is that the government and official opposition are working together to remove the UK from the largest trading bloc on earth at a time of rising protectionism.

And most importantly, when that clown currently US commander in chief is looking to start trade wars, to distract from all that Russian mafia money laundering and collusion stuff which will lead to his impeachment or resignation.”

Yes, the timing of Brexit could not be more perfect.

The BBC however have been quick to jump on Corbyn’s offer.

“What kind of soap will he be using? Will it be allotment compliant? How can Labour promise to wash so many feet when the country’s water supplies are so strained from decades of underinvestment to enrich shareholders in utilities?

Now, let’s talk to Iain Duncan Smith and let him talk uninterrupted for ten minutes.”

Quite.

Jeremy Corbyn himself could not be reached for comment as he was busy coordinating the next round of Brexit debates in parliament with his old friends in the Tory party, from the days when they were all parliamentary outsiders together.

Great news for lovers of democratic debate, involving the interchange of seasoned rabble rousing, with the announcement that the EU parliament is to sit in the BBC Question Time studio from now on, to ensure Nigel Farage attends weekly.

“It was initially a little confusing to me,” said B Iffer, a regular plant for the Conservatives in the audience, “Nigel is on the programme week in and week out anyway, so I don’t fink the tyrannical and unelected EU parliament sitting in the studio means he’ll turn up more?”

B Iffer went on to assert it was just another sign of the vanity of the EU and how they waste British taxpayers’ money that should be spent on building a seawall to keep economic migrants at home.

Next something about “controlling our boarders, except the Irish one”, which needs to be exactly like schengen to keep the DUP happy and May in power. Power is a word used in this context for convenience and not accuracy, as regards Theresa May, whose power is held by Foster.

We explained to B Iffer that he’d gotten hold of the wrong end of the stick.

“What stick?”

We explained the metaphor.

That didn’t work.

So we found a stick, jammed one end into some dog poo and gave B Iffer that end to hold. It took a few seconds for his lip to curl up in disgust, but he got there.

“But what’s this got to do with Nigel?”

The EU parliament is not moving to the BBC Question Time studio to make sure Nigel turns up to Question Time, they’re moving to ensure Nigel turns up to the EU parliament, which is both a place he was elected to and a job he doesn’t do.

“See, this is why we need to leave the EU!” B Iffer exploded, “bullies!

They pay Nigel a bucket of money, except for the current reduction to do with some trumped up accountancy issues, for him to spout racist crap and assist in driving the UK into isolation and fragmentation.

Possibly a return of paramilitary violence in Northern Ireland, if there’s any sort of hard border, all so right wing media barons, ill intentioned foreign powers and born to rule toffs, who have no real idea for the most what they’re doing, they’re just useful idiots, and the EU think he has time to turn up and do the job he’s going to get a fat pension for?

But Nigel’s job is to work for his constituents as an MEP in a democratically elected chamber of representatives. Also to do something about fish, but he doesn’t really give a toss about fish.

This is disgraceful. Not on my watch!”

We left B Iffer holding the stick. He still had the wrong end in his hand.

“Paying people to tweet for the Conservative party is expected to be followed by paying people to vote for them soon,” LCD’s exhausted politics analyst revealed today, after a lunch meeting with head of Conservative digital strategies, Ben Bradley MP.

“It’s just a natural progression of allowing lobbyists and big business folk to pay to spend time with the prime minister,” our analyst continues, “and paying people to retweet for them? If you don’t have enough activists to obsesses about you on Twitter, you’re pretty stuffed, if the Russian porn girl spam bots aren’t prepared to put their tattooed shoulders to the wheel.”

The changes are welcome for the ageing membership of the Tory party, which is physically dying away at a rate that is alarming the party, and aren’t best known for spending 24/7 on Twitter or Facebook.

“It’s actually now an own goal to be slowly roasting the NHS to a hardened bean to be ground up and drunk like an espresso by private US healthcare firms,” Ben told our man, “if only we’d thought about it, we would have invested more into cryogenics.”

Once the retweeting army is settled in to their working hours of 9am to 5pm each day, the party is expected to move to the next stage of buying votes.

“The usual way is to offer some nonsense by the chancellor just before a ballot, like free kittens for people who only have aggressive dogs, but we’re going to go one step better and bring back the tradition of the ‘rotten borough’ by setting up new digital constituencies that only registered Conservative Party members and paid voters are able to cast a ballot in.”

LCD Views approves of the bold steps the Conservative Party is taking to revitalise the flagging institutions of democracy in the United Kingdom.

“This really is an exciting change that will build on years of doing exactly what Rupert Murdoch has told us to.”

Quite.

Exciting news for lovers of creating volcanoes today with the announcement that scientists are to drill into the earth’s mantle in the hope of finding a new source of integrity for British politics.

The work is scheduled to begin within the week in the centre of Westminster Green. We spoke to the head driller to learn more.

“With Big Ben being silenced currently it’s the perfect time to drill miles beneath the skin of the Earth and right into its molten heart,” D Riller, lead engineer, stated,

“we expect it will take about a week to get down as we’ll be using a replica of Michael Gove’s conscience as a drill head, and there’s absolutely nothing that can break or scratch that, it’s possibly the hardest substance known to mankind. Which is a bit weird, as its mostly empty atoms.”

It’s believed the potential benefits are many.

“We may find Lord Lucan. It’s highly possible that’s where he’s been hiding. Also the Brexit impact assessments in full. Theresa May’s ability to decide on a course of action that is feasible and stick to it. A source of cheap heat to replace the more dangerous hot air currently used to warm the houses of parliament.”

But what about the big prize?

“And then, there’s the chance we may just find an untapped well of integrity that we can use in British politics, which is largely lacking anything resembling it at the moment.”

But won’t there be resistance to returning integrity to politics in the UK, if it is found miles beneath the surface of the Earth?

“That’s why we’re going to attempt to create a small, just a small, manmade volcano at the same time. No chance the majority of serving politicians will stick about if there’s the slightest chance of a personal setback. We’ll be able to take that integrity and plug it into the mainstream.”

And what will it look like?

“About a hundred Ken Clarkes. A smattering of Anna Soubry’s and a couple of hundred Femi Oluwoles. Some Peter Kyles, and well, just a bunch of MPs prepared to vote against their parties on Brexit.”

Why the Femi’s?

“Because he’s a sign of the changing guard in British politics. The old hacks are mostly running around on pre-digital media patterns. The activists in their 20’s are going to tear that lot down over the next couple of years or two. With any luck.”

No Jeremy Corbyn’s?

“You’ve got to be having a laugh. He’s a Brexiter.”

Good luck with the work. It’s fair to say the country needs you to succeed in tapping a giant well of integrity, however deep you have to drill.

Boris Johnson is under renewed scrutiny today after allowing the Seventh Earl of Sidcup, Lord Roderick Spode’s, think tank the Black Shorts use of an FCO room for free to launch their latest bit of neocon, fascist nonsense.

“It’s not like Boris Johnson had a choice,” LCD’s Walks like a duck analyst commentated, “He has done zero, zilch, next to nothing to get Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe out of that Iranian hell hole prison because allegedly Philip Hammond won’t agree to pay up for her freedom and Boris, to be fair, allegedly doesn’t really give a shit. This is all just an irritation on his path to personal glory.”

So it seems Mr Johnson was forced to make another controversial move to create a distraction for the media?

“Yes, the Tories only have ‘dead cats’ left in their policy box. They don’t have truth to go on. Can you think of one area of public policy they haven’t screwed up? Brexit is a big lie that is eating them alive.

Really, how they expect to survive as a party with their membership physically dying, and their every move destroying the aspirations of young voters, is anyone’s guess. So they have to keep making distractions up while they ask anyone they can think of what’s the magical solution for all their problems.

Because it certainly isn’t getting back to truth! Just look at the nonsense their allied hard right, offshore for tax purposes, media baron pals are up to!”

So allowing Roderick Spode to launch his new policy on potatoes at the Foreign Office is just more of the same?

“Yes. Sky started focusing on the plight of Nazanin again so Boris Johnson needed to make a play or he maybe forced into a discussion about how they are unwilling to cough up on the historical debt to free her.”

It’s a good thing Spode’s Black Shorts were to hand!

“Indeed. The way things are going we’ll all be having our knees measured before we can get hold of one of those fantastic, world enlarging blue passports after Brexit.”

But couldn’t Boris Johnson have charged the Black Shorts for the use of them room and put that money in a pot, start saving towards Nazanin’s release?

“You missed the bit about him allegedly not really giving a shit, didn’t you.”

An old man has reportedly missed the trip of a lifetime after he got stuck in the 1970’s on Europe.

“We all expected him to get stuck in an elevator to be honest,” a friend of the old man said, “he’s more at home walking up stairs slowly. It does take him some time to build up momentum.”

It’s believed the old man had been anticipating a long and fun journey aboard the ship of state, HMS 10 Downing Street, but he spent so long getting ready he missed the boat.

“He’s a bit puzzled,” the friend said, “he missed a few other boats back in the 50’s, 60’s and 1970’s and he really thought this time his ship had come in.

But when it looked like he was about to close his suitcase and get down to the port he suddenly remembered the EU is a corporate bully playground that only legislates all those minimum protections for democratic institutions, people’s rights and the environment because it’s a great cover for what they’re really doing by essentially making it easy for everyone on one continent to trade.

He had to call up a few people and organise some talking shops after the revelation. He should have kept packing his bag. He only had a pair of beige socks left to put in.”

We asked our travel analyst what he thought of the old man missing the boat?

“Some people think he can swim out and catch it still,” Pol Affairs mused, “but I don’t know if he’s a strong enough swimmer? It’s not really surprising.

You think about the time since he began preparing to catch the boat in earnest? Other people have done all the heavy lifting. The shirts. The underwear. The spare pair of canvas shoes.

He’s just wandered about talking about wanting to catch a boat. What move has he actually initiated personally?

I think he’s very good at encouraging people to go and vote for long ocean voyages, but that’s about it. A good campaigner. Endlessly walking to a port that is always a mile away.

It was the same when he played as a striker in his local league as a child.

You could stand him in front of an open goal, the goalie could be throwing up in the corner of the net because he was allowed too much pop drink before the game, and he simply would not strike the ball into the net. Over and over again.”

Apparently some people are considering commandeering a speed boat to use to take the old man out to the ship of state before it sails over the horizon, but we’ll have to wait and see if the old man is willing to move fast enough to get into it.

“It’s a shame really,” Pol Affairs added, “the crew of the ship are absolutely insane, no one is enjoying the voyage, it will be norovirus from port to port. The old man could have been useful on board washing everyone’s feet and hands. Oh and by stopping the ship plowing straight into that little island called GFA, because it’s off course and headed that way.”

Environmentalists are going bugshit with fury today at the amazing news that vultures have been reintroduced into the British countryside after a breeding pair of Paul Dacres were released.

The release of the pair took place in the Forest of Dean at midnight, after the saying of spells and the reading of omens.

“The first omens were bad,” Dr Dayley Fail told LCD’s environmental correspondent, Green Searchlight, “we kept killing chickens and spreading the entrails out on a cursed stone and they swirled into a swastika over and over. And not the good swastika, but the bad one, the clockwise one.”

Undeterred the team behind the project kept going.

“We just kept slaughtering different animals until we got the right amount of gore and guts slathered across the stone so it couldn’t swirl anymore. The Paul Dacres were going nuts trying to get to the stone.”

But why are environmentalists upset?

“Oh, you know what these cereal crunching, libtard, snowflake, democracy despising greenies are like. They’re banging on that the vultures aren’t native to the British landscape and will only reek and wreak havoc on the few wild animals we haven’t already killed off over the centuries.

But we have it on good authority, from an article in the Daily Mail printed in the early 1930’s that the vultures will thrive in the right conditions. They can’t stop us. If they do we will get about 1,000,000 spam bots onto them and sort them right out. Enemies of the people.”

So that’s good news.

It’s hoped the vultures will begin breeding this spring after raiding graveyards for newly buried skeletons. They build their nests from the bones and then shit on everything nearby to mark their territory.

“We only hope the fake news storymongers, Stop Funding Hate, don’t succeed in convincing our sponsors to withdraw funding until the vultures have succeeded in their task of turning the British countryside into a playground for tax dodgers.”

 

LCD Views is ecstatic for democracy today with the news a rabble of sixty odd (very odd) Tory MP’s have writen a letter to prime minister Theresa May demanding to smell napalm in the mornings.

”They love the smell of napalm in the mornings,” Priti Patel, somehow still an MP, said of her colleagues in the ERG (it’s exactly the same as the Borg).

”They think the best way to get that heady scent right into the nostrils of the whole country is to start with complete economic instability.”

It’s a good starting point.

”After all, we send so many bombs overseas each year, why not sell some at home?”

A good point. It would certainly help re-vitalise the British tradition of civil war.

”Clearly the GFA is a bit of a stumbling block, so our solution to that is fuck it then. It’s only Irish people who will suffer and with our plan to enforce a naval blockade in the Irish Sea none of those troublemakers will make it over here.”

Its not clear how Theresa May will respond to the demands of the disaster capitalists, who would burn the world for a quick buck.

Terror probably. Catatonic confusion, certainly.

”Theresa is locked in the toilet shouting at the toilet brush,” Damien Green told LCD, “in theory she’s practising set lines for the Chequers team building workshop, but security have been in five times already this morning to ask what all the confused screaming means.”

Is it  coming to the end game time for Theresa the Appeaser?

”It’s their heads on spikes,” Damien agreed, “or hers. And if it hers, it’s the entire country’s. Fight the ERG or be assimilated.”

Great news for supporters of Brexit in the United Kingdom today with the announcement that the Conservatives and Labour front benches are to hold joint Brexit away days.

“It’s so we can continue to present a united front to Europe on Brexit,” Keir Starmer told LCD Views political correspondent, during an unexpected drop in at our ten story Mayfair office.

Straight after that statement he excused himself, asked where the WC was and went inside. We heard fumbling with the lock (which doesn’t work unless you pull the door towards you and then turn), this went on a while.

He then seemed to work out the knack to locking the door.

He then started to scream.

“You’re not in space Mr Starmer!” Rosie Searchlight said, but it seems Mr Starmer couldn’t hear her because of all the screaming.

So we continued the unexpected interview with the Labour front bencher by using a foot stool instead.

Green Searchlight was asked to kneel down beside the stool and provide Keir’s voice.

“I’m sorry, I can’t talk properly unless a Momentum boss has their feet on me,” Green mumbled.

Tech Searchlight pulled an office chair over and put his feet up.

“Now Keir, I can call you Keir can’t I?” Monumental Searchlight continued the interview.

“I’d prefer if you addressed me as Sir Starmer, since I was backed into a corner and threatened with a hammer and sickle last summer I’ve really got nothing else left.”

“Fine. Sir Starmer, can you explain to me please the thinking behind holding a joint Brexit away day with the Conservatives?”

Keir nodded.

He didn’t answer. The foot stool looked like it was giggling.

“GREEN!” Titan boomed from the chief’s office, “you either want to play the part of Keir or I can get the dust pan and broom to do it?”

“I just need a minute to compose myself.”

More giggling.

Sounds of the chair scraping across the floor in the chief’s office.

“It’s so we can discuss policy and make sure we continue to be aligned on driving the UK straight at the cliff edge.

And in the process screwing over the younger demographics to the delight of a section of the baby boomer electorate!” Green answered breathlessly.

“To present a united face to Europe?” Monumental sought clarity, “so they know both main parties are in as irresponsible rush for calamity as the other?

Just for different, but equally disastrous, ideological reasons?”

“Yes. They need to know we’re all Brexiters now and we respect the result of the advisory, gerrymandered referendum on the 23rd June 2016.

It instructed parliament with an overwhelming mandate to stop being a representative parliament and simply a lackey for tax havens and right wing press barons. Either that or a unicorn farm.”

“Thank you Sir Starmer. Would you like a glass of water?”

“I’d like a bloody way out!”

At that point the real Sir Starmer stopped screaming and re-entered the main room, leaving the WC to vibrate with his screams.

He looked like nothing had happened at all. He’s had practise at that.

“I’m ready to go on when you are?” He offered.

It’s alright Keir, just get back to us when you’re ready to cross the floor in whatever direction offers sanctuary when you’re deselected.

For the many, not the few. Or the few, not the many? Who can keep anything straight these days.