Category: Democracy

The BBC has responded to recent criticism of its coverage of Brexit by asking viewers a question, “What coverage?”

“The question was just a joke,” Radio4 Today programme producer Sarah Sands followed up, “do you know if you google my name you’ll find I spent my career in tabloids before joining the BBC at a crucial time in the Brexit process.

You can also find me having lunch with Rupert Murdoch, Liam Fox, Farage, Banks and others. But that’s not really relevant to my announcement today.”

But what is relevant is the surge of relief that will be felt amongst the increasing volume of license fee players who believe,

“The BBC has totally gone to pot. Taken over by the government and turned into a propaganda service.”

What leverage has the government used?

”Threats to our independence and funding. You know a key function of most governments is to lie to the voter?”

Within acceptable limits? Surely there is a limit between making space while an administration works out how it screwed something up and outright bs?

”Not at the moment! You funny little peasant.”

Great. Channel 4 and even Sky are currently doing better than you a lot of the time now on Brexit. Huffington Post and other new players too. Oh, and don’t forget Carole Cadwalladr, she’s owning it right now on Cambridge Analytica.

”On what? Did you hear John Humphrys read out the bus timetables of his youth for an hour this morning?”

So how are you going to respond to the criticisms?

”We’re certainly not going to do it by clearing out all the old men at the BBC who are helping make a success of Brexit!”

But as Brexit unravels your coverage gets worse and more obviously one sided. It can’t go on.

”I know. That’s why I’m taking Rupert Murdoch’s genius suggestion and we’ll now be running any non-positive Brexit stories with rigorous analysis on a dedicated service. It’s too important a time in the life of our country to ignore it any longer.”

Oh thank god. What channel?

”Ceefax!”

”But Ceefax ceased in 2012!”

“Precisely. Just key in the 000’s. All the zeroes.”

The Northern Powerhouse is being rebooted. Unemployed coal miners from across the North are going to be retrained as social media data miners.

Minister Bernard Castle spoke to LCD’s Out In The Sticks correspondent about this exciting new development.

“We all know how many lost their jobs as the coal mining industry was closed down,” he explained. “They were promised new opportunities, and we are delivering on that promise. It is a price well worth paying for progress.”

Tell that to the miners. How can you describe the deliberate destruction of a thriving industry in order to negate the power of the Trade Unions, as progress?

“It led directly to Brexit,” he babbled. “If that’s not progress, I don’t know what is!”

But the Unions gave ordinary people a direct political voice, which the Thatcher government removed.

“Yes, but it was the wrong voice,” said Castle, speaking slowly as if to somebody stupid. “People need to be guided in the correct way of thinking and speaking. They were helped to decide, unanimously, that we should leave the EU. Which brings us back nicely to data mining.”

New opportunities, only 30 years late. Please explain how old men, once adept with pick and shovel, could be utilised to infiltrate social media accounts and analyse personal data.

“One type of mining is much the same as another,” declared Castle. “I went to the North once, so I should know! It’s all about extraction and delivery. Data mining just uses sharper, more high-tech tools. And old men are perfectly social media savvy! Look at any Brexit thread on Facepamphlet. You can spot them by the lack of punctuation, grammar and logic which are the proud products of leaving school at 14.”

The Power in the Northern Powerhouse will be supplied by power stations running on cheap Chinese coal, while rich seams of British coal lie untouched. Newcastle is expecting daily shipments.

The no-longer ex-miners will be paid according to how many floating voters they can persuade to their point of view. They will receive daily guidance from a shadowy figure in Cambridge known only as “Old Nix”.

Subverting the uncertain Will of the People. That’s a jobs first Brexit for you.

LCD VIews has great news for the Australian cricket team today with the announcement that shamed Cambridge Analytica boss Alexander Nicked has accepted the job of teaching them how to cheat properly.

”Let me make one thing clear before I catch my plane as far from Blighty as I can,” Mr Nicked told our sports correspondent, from the Qantas lounge at Heathrow terminal 6,

“just because I’m going downunder to teach those amateurs in the Aussie first team how to cheat properly in no way means I did anything improper while illegally mining the living crap out of Facebook profile data in order to get a percentage gain for Vote Leave.”

As to how Alexander will improve the victorious Ashes team’s game?

”First off we’re going to need to hack into the mobile phones of all people attending cricket matches,” Mr Nicked replied, “once we know who is going to film the bowlers we can influence them to just take selfies and put rabbit ears on their digital heads, for as long as five days, if necessary.

We’ll also be digging through the personal details of the bowling squad to discover who has ever cheated on a partner, so we can focus especial attention into raising their game so they don’t get caught acting perfectly within character again.

Winning at sport, as in politics, is all about percentage gain, no matter how you gain it.”

The news is welcome relief for Australian cricket, just as footage showing some team members acting as thick as footballers often do is on endless repeat on the BBC.

We asked a representative of the BBC to comment,

”I am not a representative of the BBC, I work for the government.”

We’re sorry. What would you like to say?

”We would like to thank the wallies downunder for their timely actions with ball tampering.

For a horrible moment we feared the BBC maybe forced to defy our orders to blackout coverage of both the protest marches to support continued U.K. membership of the EU and the increasing stink around members of the Conservative cabinet.”

The representative later phoned back to threaten us with deregulation of our mass media organisation and direct state control if we print mention of the EU protest marches on the weekend. Please use white-out and cover words on your screen where appropriate. Thank you.

“We cannot allow Labour to break apart over Brexit,” Labour pedigree Keir Starmer told Peston today, “but it’s okay if the United Kingdom does. By the way, I think it’s a disgrace our new blue passports are being made in France, just like Rees-mogg does.”

The clarity on Labour’s position on Brexit is welcomed, especially the further clarity about where the party’s current leadership’s priorities.

”It’s important that we match the Conservatives pound for pound in putting our perceived party political interests over the blindingly obvious reasons to oppose Brexit,” Mr Starmer added,

“how are we supposed to get elected to government if we don’t mimic them as closely as possible on the topic of Brexit? You tell me. It’s a proper head scratcher.

To actually oppose what is clearly insane and only serving the hard right neocons would be too risky.”

Mr Starmer went on to say that nothing was going to sway leader Jeremy Corbyn’s support for Brexit.

”Not even if Satan himself was found to be behind the Brexit agenda.

The people had an advisory vote and narrowly backed a bunch of liars and conmen, so it’s clear what we have to do now as the official opposition party.”

Mr Starmer left shortly after as his Momentum minder had arrived with the next preprepared statements for him to say, in order to be safe in his front bench job until he can be de-selected at leisure with a placard of shame hung around his neck.

”Theyre going to give me a parade when they do it!”

Thats nice dear. I’m sure there’s no chance you’re being played for a sucker by the ideologically firm.

“If you don’t mind though, we’ve got to wrap it up now. I’ve got lines to learn for my family lunch. I have to be really, really careful not to say anything that could be considered thought crime by the leader, or they’ll chase me with the vacuum cleaner for an hour.”

We wouldn’t want that. Just be careful not to follow your lawyers nose, it might lead you to what stinks in the Leave campaign, and they would really be a pickle for the party hoping to ride Brexit over the rubble and ashes to come and into government.

The Labour Party was in a celebra-tory mood last night following a headline catching win for Labour over Labour.

”It’s a taste of the victories to come,” A Sect, spokesman for the victorious Labour Party said, “we’ve shown over confident Labour it can be beaten, not only by the worst Tory government for generations thanks to our refusal to fight Nigel Farage’s vision for the United Kingdom, but also by Labour.”

The win was welcomed by their neocon stooge Brexit colleagues at Westminster.

”I’d like to personally thank Jeremy Corbyn for his timing of the win for Labour,” All The Conservative Party said, “people are starting to push to expose our possible and probable links to Cambridge Analytica. Labour’s win over Labour couldn’t have come at a better time. It buys us more time to shred stuff, burn things and invent a convincing message for how CA and Brexit campaigns are in no way linked.”

But it wasn’t all celebration. Labour’s Brexit spokesman Keir Starmer was found in a thoughtful mood.

”You know last Tuesday?” he asked LCD Views, “of course you do. You couldn’t be here if you didn’t.

Last Tuesday was the first day for as long as I can remember when Momentum activists didn’t tweet and retweet and email and pm ‘yellow Tory blairite shill’ at me. I was pretty upset. I’ve got some Stockholm Syndrome going on nowadays. But thankfully it’s going to be okay.

The old inbox is piling up with people this morning warning me not mistake the clear warning Owen’s fate holds for all Labour MPs about wrong thought on Brexit or anything else. So that’s nice.”

Surprisingly too Vladimir Putin commented on Labour’s win over Labour.

”I’m just glad Corbyn didn’t go all Owen Smith at me over the Skripal business. I didn’t realise at the time how lucky I was.”

This story will presumably unfold further over the next few days, but we’ll give A Sect the last word.

”We’ve replaced the broadchurch with a narrow chapel. You’re welcome to come inside, but you probably won’t be allowed to stay if you can’t think right.”

Excellent. The party’s electoral appeal must have changed noticeably in the last 24 hours. Keep up the good work.

“It’s subverting the will of the people to suggest the will of the people may have been subverted,” said Mr Con Jobb today, head of strategy for the Brexit focused charity F U EU.

Mr Con Jobb was talking after revelations broke in the media about the dealings of F U EU and a shadowy data mining company called Subvert Democracy.

”The dating app supplied to us from Subvert Democracy, and used by millions of facepamphlet users was an impressive and unseen way to harvest as much personal information as possible from as many emotionally vulnerable people as possible, to better manipulate voting intentions ahead of the EU referendum in 2016.”

But it’s said you broke data privacy laws in the process and may well have used the stolen data to unduly influence voters with emotional messages that had no relation to the facts of the matter being balloted?

”What’s your point?”

You’ve subverted democracy. It calls the validity of entire ballot into question.

”The people still had a vote. Just listen to any ageing male BBC political journalist. The people had a vote. They had a vote in America too. In many countries.”

So that’s okay then?

”It is if you’re a neocon sociopath intent on manufacturing a global economic disaster to deepen your political influence and get even richer.”

But you’ve subverted the will of the people.

”So?”

What do you mean so?

”You lost, get over it.”

Can you answer why it’s taken the Information Commissioner five days to get a warrant to search the headquarters of Subvert Democracy?

Is there any relation to the millions donated to the Conservative Party by the owners of Subvert Democracy?

”That sounds like a question better asked by the leader of the official opposition at PMQ’s.”

Fat chance of that.

”It’s useful, isn’t it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to get back to the office. I’ve been told the Information Commissioner is due to drop by at 16:34 this afternoon and I’ve still some computer servers to burn in the car park.”

Thank you for your time.

”The people had a vote.”

Thats what they do, it’s called democracy.

”Not anymore. Would you mind ducking down to the petrol station and filling up this empty can for me?”

Boris Johnson is said to be “reeling” this morning and “flabbergasted” after failing to win the coveted role of MacBeth in a Westminster local theatre production, in spite of a strong audition.

“It’s a bit baffling why the director would choose anyone other than Boris,” Boris Johnson’s acting coach, P T Barnum, told LCD Views’ light entertainment correspondent, “when you look at his career path post 2015, he seems to be completely method in preparation for the role of MacBeth in his professional and personal life.”

Mr Barnum further believes that the manner of Boris’ audition should have made him a shoo in.

“He beat up and butchered most of the others auditioning,” Barnum says, “they were just people from the local community, so it was as easy. He acts all Falstaff in public, but behind the scenes he’s a regular Titus.”

So what went wrong?

“Boris let Gove him help prepare, that was his first misstep. As on the morning of the audition Iago, I mean Gove, announced he was also auditioning.

This hurt Boris a lot. He had trouble focusing. He had to go and burn some fifties in front of some rough sleepers just to get his equilibrium back.”

So Gove got the part?

“No. The director believes neither man would be able to portray the necessary levels of regret required in MacBeth once the carnage really gets going, when the play is staged in the summer.

There’s also serious doubt whether or not Boris could stay faithful to Lady MacBeth long enough for anyone to believe they were in a genuine marriage, even in a staged play. You can’t really have Boris improvising new lines and secret liaisons while the play is actually being staged.”

How did Boris take the news?

“Not well, he sent the director, who is eighty five year and staging the play for charity, the following lines from Titus Andronicus,

I will grind your bones to dust
And with your blood and it I’ll make a paste,
And of the paste a coffin I will rear
And make two pasties of your shameful heads,
And bid that strumpet, your unhallow’d dam,
Like to the earth swallow her own increase.”

How did the director take that?

“He sent back a very brief note with a line from MacBeth,

Dear Mr Johnson,

Confusion now hath made his masterpiece…

Now kindly bugger off because all the world really is a stage and you are our face upon it…”

The government has moved swiftly to profit from the chorus of celebration over their decision to take hot school lunches away from a vast number of children whose parents are too lazy to feed them.

“We will be replacing the hot meals with a copy of the bible,” a spokesman for the vicar’s daughter told LCD Views, “We’ve outlined all of the Old Testament in bold, so the children will get the message. And if they don’t we will beat them about the head with the books until they do. Metaphorically of course. We won’t be bringing back corporal or capital punishment until after Brexit.”

It’s hoped with this open handed act the hungry children will fill themselves up with thoughts and prayers.

“Only by following the example of their elected representatives in such matters as want and fasting can underprivileged children in England hope to better themselves,” the spokesman said, “if they don’t study hard and better themselves they’ll end up as the sort of lost causes their parents clearly are, if you are paying attention to our caring conservative agenda.”

We wanted to find out how the children themselves will take the swapping of a  hot meal, perhaps the only one they would have gotten that day, with a big book full of old fashioned words, and lessons Theresa May and Arlene Foster ignore when it suits them for base political reasons.

“What are the recipes like?” Artful Dodger, 10, London, asked.

It’s not a cookbook, we informed him, it’s a book that will teach you how to avoid the pitfalls of decadence and sin that your parents have fallen prey to.

“Oh, but how will I study properly if I am too hungry to concentrate properly?”

We will pass that question along to the two good christians who have stitched up this penny pinching deal to satisfy their party first politics and questionable sense of duty to the less fortunate.

A giant vault has been discovered underneath Westminster Palace which contains hundreds of spines believed to have been removed from the United Kingdom’s members of Parliament.

”Ever since Guy Fawkes attempted his little fireworks display we’ve been under orders to check all the accessible spaces under the palace several times a day,” a security insider told LCD Views.

It seems that during one such sweep yesterday a secret vault was discovered by accident that led to the fortitous discovery.

”I keep expecting to find that Victorian waxwork Rees-mogg down here with Farage and barrels of gunpowder,” the insider said, “but it was whilst chasing a rat that looked like Arron Banks chasing a much bigger rat that looked like a Russian man holding a bag containing thirty pieces of silver, that was when I found the vault.”

The security officer said he slipped rounding a corner and his torch flew from his hands.

”It landed pointing the light at a little handle at floor level I’ve never seen before.”

Unlike the grimy surrounds the handle was shiny and had clearly seen recent and frequent use.

”There was a bit of gore on it. Blood and skin and the like. All the skin was very yellow.”

Undeterred the officer turned the handle.

”There was a sound like a giant millstone grinding away and then the floor beneath me slid back and I toppled in to this vault.”

He went on to say he didn’t fall far.

”For a heartbeat I believed I was a goner. But I only fell a few feet before I found myself on top of a giant subterranean mountain of spines. Only spines. You know, backbones.”

The officer was able to climb out and run for help.

”I did attempt to take one with me, but it just turned to dust at the slightest pressure.”

Whether or not it will be able to match the spines to their former owners is anyone’s guess.

”I suspect the upcoming Commons votes will see dozens of MPs scrambling down here to find their backbone,” he added, “as they head for the division lobbies in the fearful knowledge that willingly pursuing an agenda that is going to break the United Kingdom, or not doing that, is a choice that reveals who has a spine and who has not.”

A political scientist has discovered an alternative dimension where even Ed Milliband has already kicked the Tories out of office.

”I was searching for a new way to slice bread,” Professor Harry Ope told LCD Views, “I got stoned out of my box and put my toaster into the microwave with a cup of tequila, an unsliced loaf of bread and a rubix cube. Then I hit defrost and waited.”

Professor Ope said at first there was nothing unusual.

“Just the standard blue arcs of electricity flashing inside the microwave. It seemed to go on for hours, but that was just the pot stretching time. In reality it took seconds.

Once the microwave filled with smoke I stopped the experiment and opened the door. There was no danger. I was wearing one oven glove.”

The professor explained that he expected to find a charred and molten mess, which has been the result each time he has run the experiment, and he would use the pattern of charring on the bread to determine if a different type of dough was required before trying again.

“What I saw was astounding. Inside the microwave a portal to an alternative dimension had opened. It was flickering like an old cinema screen. The view was black and white, but it was clear.”

The Professor said there was also, “a time stamp on the view which showed the date as the 24th December 2017.”

It seems in this dimension the Jeremy Corbyn resigned after failing to win the June general election. To everyone’s surprise Ed Milliband had been returned as Labour Party leader, after Momentum members put him on the leadership ballot as a joke, but he went all the way again.

“He immediately went anti-Brexit, as demanded if respecting the overwhelming views of the Labour Party membership.

This caused so much disarray in the governing Conservative DUP demand and supply bung bought deal, because May couldn’t rely on Ed Miliband whipping his MPs to vote through Tory Brexit, that Theresa May was deposed in a vote of no confidence, after the DUP removed their support and the Tories were unable to govern.”

So is Brexit still happening in this alternative dimension?

“Don’t be silly. It’s in the trash can of history along with the racism that was in its blood.”

So no negative impacts?

“Nigel Farage is now Director General of the BBC, but that’s already happened in our dimension, so no, it’s otherwise a better place to be.

A modern Britain where people are sweeping up the mess and actually funding public services again.

And the most surprising thing is that EU rules don’t stop you carrying forward socialist projects and the nasal warrior has already started bringing the railways back into public ownership.”