Category: Democracy

LCD VIews has great news for the Australian cricket team today with the announcement that shamed Cambridge Analytica boss Alexander Nicked has accepted the job of teaching them how to cheat properly.

”Let me make one thing clear before I catch my plane as far from Blighty as I can,” Mr Nicked told our sports correspondent, from the Qantas lounge at Heathrow terminal 6,

“just because I’m going downunder to teach those amateurs in the Aussie first team how to cheat properly in no way means I did anything improper while illegally mining the living crap out of Facebook profile data in order to get a percentage gain for Vote Leave.”

As to how Alexander will improve the victorious Ashes team’s game?

”First off we’re going to need to hack into the mobile phones of all people attending cricket matches,” Mr Nicked replied, “once we know who is going to film the bowlers we can influence them to just take selfies and put rabbit ears on their digital heads, for as long as five days, if necessary.

We’ll also be digging through the personal details of the bowling squad to discover who has ever cheated on a partner, so we can focus especial attention into raising their game so they don’t get caught acting perfectly within character again.

Winning at sport, as in politics, is all about percentage gain, no matter how you gain it.”

The news is welcome relief for Australian cricket, just as footage showing some team members acting as thick as footballers often do is on endless repeat on the BBC.

We asked a representative of the BBC to comment,

”I am not a representative of the BBC, I work for the government.”

We’re sorry. What would you like to say?

”We would like to thank the wallies downunder for their timely actions with ball tampering.

For a horrible moment we feared the BBC maybe forced to defy our orders to blackout coverage of both the protest marches to support continued U.K. membership of the EU and the increasing stink around members of the Conservative cabinet.”

The representative later phoned back to threaten us with deregulation of our mass media organisation and direct state control if we print mention of the EU protest marches on the weekend. Please use white-out and cover words on your screen where appropriate. Thank you.

“We cannot allow Labour to break apart over Brexit,” Labour pedigree Keir Starmer told Peston today, “but it’s okay if the United Kingdom does. By the way, I think it’s a disgrace our new blue passports are being made in France, just like Rees-mogg does.”

The clarity on Labour’s position on Brexit is welcomed, especially the further clarity about where the party’s current leadership’s priorities.

”It’s important that we match the Conservatives pound for pound in putting our perceived party political interests over the blindingly obvious reasons to oppose Brexit,” Mr Starmer added,

“how are we supposed to get elected to government if we don’t mimic them as closely as possible on the topic of Brexit? You tell me. It’s a proper head scratcher.

To actually oppose what is clearly insane and only serving the hard right neocons would be too risky.”

Mr Starmer went on to say that nothing was going to sway leader Jeremy Corbyn’s support for Brexit.

”Not even if Satan himself was found to be behind the Brexit agenda.

The people had an advisory vote and narrowly backed a bunch of liars and conmen, so it’s clear what we have to do now as the official opposition party.”

Mr Starmer left shortly after as his Momentum minder had arrived with the next preprepared statements for him to say, in order to be safe in his front bench job until he can be de-selected at leisure with a placard of shame hung around his neck.

”Theyre going to give me a parade when they do it!”

Thats nice dear. I’m sure there’s no chance you’re being played for a sucker by the ideologically firm.

“If you don’t mind though, we’ve got to wrap it up now. I’ve got lines to learn for my family lunch. I have to be really, really careful not to say anything that could be considered thought crime by the leader, or they’ll chase me with the vacuum cleaner for an hour.”

We wouldn’t want that. Just be careful not to follow your lawyers nose, it might lead you to what stinks in the Leave campaign, and they would really be a pickle for the party hoping to ride Brexit over the rubble and ashes to come and into government.

The Labour Party was in a celebra-tory mood last night following a headline catching win for Labour over Labour.

”It’s a taste of the victories to come,” A Sect, spokesman for the victorious Labour Party said, “we’ve shown over confident Labour it can be beaten, not only by the worst Tory government for generations thanks to our refusal to fight Nigel Farage’s vision for the United Kingdom, but also by Labour.”

The win was welcomed by their neocon stooge Brexit colleagues at Westminster.

”I’d like to personally thank Jeremy Corbyn for his timing of the win for Labour,” All The Conservative Party said, “people are starting to push to expose our possible and probable links to Cambridge Analytica. Labour’s win over Labour couldn’t have come at a better time. It buys us more time to shred stuff, burn things and invent a convincing message for how CA and Brexit campaigns are in no way linked.”

But it wasn’t all celebration. Labour’s Brexit spokesman Keir Starmer was found in a thoughtful mood.

”You know last Tuesday?” he asked LCD Views, “of course you do. You couldn’t be here if you didn’t.

Last Tuesday was the first day for as long as I can remember when Momentum activists didn’t tweet and retweet and email and pm ‘yellow Tory blairite shill’ at me. I was pretty upset. I’ve got some Stockholm Syndrome going on nowadays. But thankfully it’s going to be okay.

The old inbox is piling up with people this morning warning me not mistake the clear warning Owen’s fate holds for all Labour MPs about wrong thought on Brexit or anything else. So that’s nice.”

Surprisingly too Vladimir Putin commented on Labour’s win over Labour.

”I’m just glad Corbyn didn’t go all Owen Smith at me over the Skripal business. I didn’t realise at the time how lucky I was.”

This story will presumably unfold further over the next few days, but we’ll give A Sect the last word.

”We’ve replaced the broadchurch with a narrow chapel. You’re welcome to come inside, but you probably won’t be allowed to stay if you can’t think right.”

Excellent. The party’s electoral appeal must have changed noticeably in the last 24 hours. Keep up the good work.

“It’s subverting the will of the people to suggest the will of the people may have been subverted,” said Mr Con Jobb today, head of strategy for the Brexit focused charity F U EU.

Mr Con Jobb was talking after revelations broke in the media about the dealings of F U EU and a shadowy data mining company called Subvert Democracy.

”The dating app supplied to us from Subvert Democracy, and used by millions of facepamphlet users was an impressive and unseen way to harvest as much personal information as possible from as many emotionally vulnerable people as possible, to better manipulate voting intentions ahead of the EU referendum in 2016.”

But it’s said you broke data privacy laws in the process and may well have used the stolen data to unduly influence voters with emotional messages that had no relation to the facts of the matter being balloted?

”What’s your point?”

You’ve subverted democracy. It calls the validity of entire ballot into question.

”The people still had a vote. Just listen to any ageing male BBC political journalist. The people had a vote. They had a vote in America too. In many countries.”

So that’s okay then?

”It is if you’re a neocon sociopath intent on manufacturing a global economic disaster to deepen your political influence and get even richer.”

But you’ve subverted the will of the people.

”So?”

What do you mean so?

”You lost, get over it.”

Can you answer why it’s taken the Information Commissioner five days to get a warrant to search the headquarters of Subvert Democracy?

Is there any relation to the millions donated to the Conservative Party by the owners of Subvert Democracy?

”That sounds like a question better asked by the leader of the official opposition at PMQ’s.”

Fat chance of that.

”It’s useful, isn’t it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to get back to the office. I’ve been told the Information Commissioner is due to drop by at 16:34 this afternoon and I’ve still some computer servers to burn in the car park.”

Thank you for your time.

”The people had a vote.”

Thats what they do, it’s called democracy.

”Not anymore. Would you mind ducking down to the petrol station and filling up this empty can for me?”

Boris Johnson is said to be “reeling” this morning and “flabbergasted” after failing to win the coveted role of MacBeth in a Westminster local theatre production, in spite of a strong audition.

“It’s a bit baffling why the director would choose anyone other than Boris,” Boris Johnson’s acting coach, P T Barnum, told LCD Views’ light entertainment correspondent, “when you look at his career path post 2015, he seems to be completely method in preparation for the role of MacBeth in his professional and personal life.”

Mr Barnum further believes that the manner of Boris’ audition should have made him a shoo in.

“He beat up and butchered most of the others auditioning,” Barnum says, “they were just people from the local community, so it was as easy. He acts all Falstaff in public, but behind the scenes he’s a regular Titus.”

So what went wrong?

“Boris let Gove him help prepare, that was his first misstep. As on the morning of the audition Iago, I mean Gove, announced he was also auditioning.

This hurt Boris a lot. He had trouble focusing. He had to go and burn some fifties in front of some rough sleepers just to get his equilibrium back.”

So Gove got the part?

“No. The director believes neither man would be able to portray the necessary levels of regret required in MacBeth once the carnage really gets going, when the play is staged in the summer.

There’s also serious doubt whether or not Boris could stay faithful to Lady MacBeth long enough for anyone to believe they were in a genuine marriage, even in a staged play. You can’t really have Boris improvising new lines and secret liaisons while the play is actually being staged.”

How did Boris take the news?

“Not well, he sent the director, who is eighty five year and staging the play for charity, the following lines from Titus Andronicus,

I will grind your bones to dust
And with your blood and it I’ll make a paste,
And of the paste a coffin I will rear
And make two pasties of your shameful heads,
And bid that strumpet, your unhallow’d dam,
Like to the earth swallow her own increase.”

How did the director take that?

“He sent back a very brief note with a line from MacBeth,

Dear Mr Johnson,

Confusion now hath made his masterpiece…

Now kindly bugger off because all the world really is a stage and you are our face upon it…”

The government has moved swiftly to profit from the chorus of celebration over their decision to take hot school lunches away from a vast number of children whose parents are too lazy to feed them.

“We will be replacing the hot meals with a copy of the bible,” a spokesman for the vicar’s daughter told LCD Views, “We’ve outlined all of the Old Testament in bold, so the children will get the message. And if they don’t we will beat them about the head with the books until they do. Metaphorically of course. We won’t be bringing back corporal or capital punishment until after Brexit.”

It’s hoped with this open handed act the hungry children will fill themselves up with thoughts and prayers.

“Only by following the example of their elected representatives in such matters as want and fasting can underprivileged children in England hope to better themselves,” the spokesman said, “if they don’t study hard and better themselves they’ll end up as the sort of lost causes their parents clearly are, if you are paying attention to our caring conservative agenda.”

We wanted to find out how the children themselves will take the swapping of a  hot meal, perhaps the only one they would have gotten that day, with a big book full of old fashioned words, and lessons Theresa May and Arlene Foster ignore when it suits them for base political reasons.

“What are the recipes like?” Artful Dodger, 10, London, asked.

It’s not a cookbook, we informed him, it’s a book that will teach you how to avoid the pitfalls of decadence and sin that your parents have fallen prey to.

“Oh, but how will I study properly if I am too hungry to concentrate properly?”

We will pass that question along to the two good christians who have stitched up this penny pinching deal to satisfy their party first politics and questionable sense of duty to the less fortunate.

A giant vault has been discovered underneath Westminster Palace which contains hundreds of spines believed to have been removed from the United Kingdom’s members of Parliament.

”Ever since Guy Fawkes attempted his little fireworks display we’ve been under orders to check all the accessible spaces under the palace several times a day,” a security insider told LCD Views.

It seems that during one such sweep yesterday a secret vault was discovered by accident that led to the fortitous discovery.

”I keep expecting to find that Victorian waxwork Rees-mogg down here with Farage and barrels of gunpowder,” the insider said, “but it was whilst chasing a rat that looked like Arron Banks chasing a much bigger rat that looked like a Russian man holding a bag containing thirty pieces of silver, that was when I found the vault.”

The security officer said he slipped rounding a corner and his torch flew from his hands.

”It landed pointing the light at a little handle at floor level I’ve never seen before.”

Unlike the grimy surrounds the handle was shiny and had clearly seen recent and frequent use.

”There was a bit of gore on it. Blood and skin and the like. All the skin was very yellow.”

Undeterred the officer turned the handle.

”There was a sound like a giant millstone grinding away and then the floor beneath me slid back and I toppled in to this vault.”

He went on to say he didn’t fall far.

”For a heartbeat I believed I was a goner. But I only fell a few feet before I found myself on top of a giant subterranean mountain of spines. Only spines. You know, backbones.”

The officer was able to climb out and run for help.

”I did attempt to take one with me, but it just turned to dust at the slightest pressure.”

Whether or not it will be able to match the spines to their former owners is anyone’s guess.

”I suspect the upcoming Commons votes will see dozens of MPs scrambling down here to find their backbone,” he added, “as they head for the division lobbies in the fearful knowledge that willingly pursuing an agenda that is going to break the United Kingdom, or not doing that, is a choice that reveals who has a spine and who has not.”

A political scientist has discovered an alternative dimension where even Ed Milliband has already kicked the Tories out of office.

”I was searching for a new way to slice bread,” Professor Harry Ope told LCD Views, “I got stoned out of my box and put my toaster into the microwave with a cup of tequila, an unsliced loaf of bread and a rubix cube. Then I hit defrost and waited.”

Professor Ope said at first there was nothing unusual.

“Just the standard blue arcs of electricity flashing inside the microwave. It seemed to go on for hours, but that was just the pot stretching time. In reality it took seconds.

Once the microwave filled with smoke I stopped the experiment and opened the door. There was no danger. I was wearing one oven glove.”

The professor explained that he expected to find a charred and molten mess, which has been the result each time he has run the experiment, and he would use the pattern of charring on the bread to determine if a different type of dough was required before trying again.

“What I saw was astounding. Inside the microwave a portal to an alternative dimension had opened. It was flickering like an old cinema screen. The view was black and white, but it was clear.”

The Professor said there was also, “a time stamp on the view which showed the date as the 24th December 2017.”

It seems in this dimension the Jeremy Corbyn resigned after failing to win the June general election. To everyone’s surprise Ed Milliband had been returned as Labour Party leader, after Momentum members put him on the leadership ballot as a joke, but he went all the way again.

“He immediately went anti-Brexit, as demanded if respecting the overwhelming views of the Labour Party membership.

This caused so much disarray in the governing Conservative DUP demand and supply bung bought deal, because May couldn’t rely on Ed Miliband whipping his MPs to vote through Tory Brexit, that Theresa May was deposed in a vote of no confidence, after the DUP removed their support and the Tories were unable to govern.”

So is Brexit still happening in this alternative dimension?

“Don’t be silly. It’s in the trash can of history along with the racism that was in its blood.”

So no negative impacts?

“Nigel Farage is now Director General of the BBC, but that’s already happened in our dimension, so no, it’s otherwise a better place to be.

A modern Britain where people are sweeping up the mess and actually funding public services again.

And the most surprising thing is that EU rules don’t stop you carrying forward socialist projects and the nasal warrior has already started bringing the railways back into public ownership.”

 

Theresa May is to build on her party’s general election success last year by calling a snap GE, to lose more MPs so she can finally quit as prime minister.

”She’s fed up with waiting about looking a complete and utter plank,” Damien Green MP told LCD Views over breakfast at the Ritz.

”She fully expected to have been able to hand Brexit to Johnson and/or Gove by now.

She’s read out every inane and self-contradicting statement they ask of her. But still she’s the one holding the Brexit can. It wasn’t the deal.

Rees-mogg could be leader if he wants. Theresa isn’t bothered, if our party is as insane as everyone suspects and goes for it.

But no one will actually put the knife in. People just keep waving daggers about and shouting. Bunch of pussies. She’s fed up.”

It appears the prime minister is further encouraged to call a snap GE by the endless run of lost council seats in by-elections.

”We just keep getting panned. The Libdems are getting 40-50% swings in a lot of by-elections.

This explains the extraordinary denigration reserved by Momentum activists for anyone they suspect of not backing Saint Jezza online. Don’t question Jezza and Brexit, unless you’ve already turned off your twitter notifications.”

But how many seats would May need to lose to get out of office?

”Her own would be the jackpot!” Damien hooted, “failing that? Twenty to thirty would be brilliant. But ending in a dead heat with Labour is the real risk.”

Why’s that?

”Those trots ruining Labour don’t want government. They’re enjoying the perks of being the official opposition for eternity.

You can’t tell me they couldn’t have pushed the whole rotten Tory cabal out of office by now by merely half heartedly opposing Brexit. Not voting through article 50 before any preparation was done would have nailed it. But they seized the chance of the endless struggle.”

What are you really saying?

“Jeremy Corbyn doesn’t want to be prime minister. He’s an old man. He wants to be a figurehead and sail about kissing hands.”

So the risk is what exactly?

”Labour will refuse to govern as a coalition. And we’ll be stuck holding the wrong end of the stick until we burst into flames and burn the country to the ground.”

Call it then!

”We will. Just as soon as we’ve worked out the catchphrase and worked up a new policy as sufficiently barmy as the dementia tax. That was a stroke of genius. It almost nailed the last defeat to the floor for us.”

LCD Views can barely contain itself with the latest release of Labour’s detailed Brexit plan now including a promise that Jeremy Corbyn himself will wash the feet of people who lose their jobs if Labour’s ‘jobs go first Brexit’ is adopted as “the” Brexit.

“It’s insane,” A Intern said, while washing the coffee mugs in the LCD kitchenette, “to think if you sack me after Brexit our lord and saviour Jeremy Corbyn himself will come around to my parents’ house and wash my feet? Intense flavour man.”

The additional offer is being made to double down on the success of Labour’s promise to remove the United Kingdom from the 21st century as surely as their parliamentary co-conspirators, the Conservatives are promising to.

“Do I have to get in line behind the steel workers? The aerospace employees? The service sector types? Or will I get preferential treatment because I refuse to question Labour’s constant hedging on the biggest public policy issue for generations because they don’t want to upset voters who can’t be bothered to educate themselves about the impact of Brexit?

And because we all know JC is a miracle worker and will easily solve all of society’s ills with or without money in the public purse. To actually question Corbyn’s actions on Brexit is heresy. It makes your personally responsible for the death of homeless people right now.

You only have to talk to a Momentum activist on Twitter to be told that. Often for three or four days in a row after a one or two exchange conversation. They are winning hearts and minds.”

We think you have to get in line, regardless of how closely you adhere to dogma. Support for Brexit is a matter of principles for the Labour leadership.

“Can they conduct a lottery? Will it happen on a Saturday before I do my weekly sock change?”

You’ll have to wait for further details.

“It’s kept me behind the boy, who cares about the how and why?

The most important thing is that the government and official opposition are working together to remove the UK from the largest trading bloc on earth at a time of rising protectionism.

And most importantly, when that clown currently US commander in chief is looking to start trade wars, to distract from all that Russian mafia money laundering and collusion stuff which will lead to his impeachment or resignation.”

Yes, the timing of Brexit could not be more perfect.

The BBC however have been quick to jump on Corbyn’s offer.

“What kind of soap will he be using? Will it be allotment compliant? How can Labour promise to wash so many feet when the country’s water supplies are so strained from decades of underinvestment to enrich shareholders in utilities?

Now, let’s talk to Iain Duncan Smith and let him talk uninterrupted for ten minutes.”

Quite.

Jeremy Corbyn himself could not be reached for comment as he was busy coordinating the next round of Brexit debates in parliament with his old friends in the Tory party, from the days when they were all parliamentary outsiders together.