Category: Democracy

Fiscal and moral relief in the ranks of government today with the passing of the great ‘Klepto Act’,which allows MPs to open up about the influence of foreign oligarchs in British politics, and not fear any consequences.

”We had to act on what is clearly now an entrenched aspect of our national politics,” Mr Byeme, Tory MP for Feudalism, told LCD Views, “too many senior MPs were having sleepless nights worrying what would happen if the amount of Russian. Saudi and US cash shoved into their greedy hands, in return for favourable policy decisions, was revealed.”

The act itself has long been rumoured to be approaching the statute books and was rushed into existence in a special, private sitting of parliament early Sunday morning.

”We didn’t want to make a great public fanfare about it till it was passed,” Mr Byeme explained, “but happily it was after Labour abstained on the vote with a nod and a wink. The DUP were right up for it. Christopher Upskirting tabled it and no one objected, largely because any of the irritating MPs who refused to be bought weren’t even told the vote was happening. Lammy, Grieve, Cooper, Lucas, Lee and so on, they were all at other things. Strike while the iron is hot! Ha!”

Under the provisions of the act senior Tory politicians will now just be able to say how much they have accepted, which offshore account it went into, who it came from, and then laugh.

”This is really a cross party initiative. Foreign influence and data crime crosses the political spectrum. It’s how we do business in a 21st century U.K. rapidly accelerating into the past.”

It’s believed now was felt to be the best time to get the Klepto Act into law.

”It helps prepare the country for Brexit,” Mr Byeme said, “and sees off any sticky issues that may arise once Mueller begins to dismantle publicly the international criminal conspiracy that is taking our representative democracies and flushing them down the toilet.

”It means we can more easily replace lost financial services with a mass increase in money laundering after Brexit. A field in which we’re already world leaders, between you and me. It’s just strong and stable government in action.”

Brexiters are in a bad mood after the recent government defeats. Those who fought under the banner of “Let’s take back control! are disgruntled because parliament has taken back control.

The issue of parliamentary sovereignty is also causing concern. LCD Views’ Moaning Minnie correspondent spoke to leading Brexiter, Wynn Jing, about the matters.

“Sovereignty was always a handy buzz-word,” sniffles Jing. “Nobody knew what it meant before the referendum, it just sounded nice and evoked Queen and Country. It was a handy thing to chuck at the evil EU. But none of us, in our darkest dreams, ever expected parliament to exert its sovereignty in this treacherous manner, getting in the way of our precious Brexit!”

It’s a nice irony, we contended, that Brexit is falling apart upon taking back control, which the likes of you campaigned for.

“It’s not fair!” wailed Jing. “Parliament shouldn’t stand in our way! The People voted, remember, The People voted, and the government works for The People!”

And parliament is there to debate and refine proposals put forward by the government. That’s the whole point.

“Parliament should be abolished then, in the name of democracy,” said Jing sulkily. “Democracy is like cream cakes, you can have too much of a good thing, and it leaves you bloated and feeling sick!”

You wanted to take back control, and have parliamentary sovereignty. Both have been in evidence. What’s the big problem?

“It’s no good if we don’t get our own way,” sobbed Jing. “Jacob Rees-Mogg has threatened to send Nanny over to knock a few heads together.”

Back to the Nanny state, we jested.

“It’s not funny!” cried Jing, rolling on his back and kicking the bars of his playpen. “I want my Brexit, and I want it now! I WANT MY BRRRRREEEEXXXIIIITTTT!”

Nanny has been instructed by parliament to remove all the crying man-babies (and woman-babies, let’s not be sexist), give them all a clip round the ear, and send them back to the school of hard knocks.

LCD Views can report today that the office of the prime minister has clarified its position on the minor matter of contempt of parliament proceedings, threatened by Labour, after Ms May’s government refused to do what she was told.

“We never do what we’re told by the children,” spokes-potplant for Ms May laughed, “God has chosen Theresa to autocratically rule in the earthly realm, and autocratically rule she will.”

The contempt proceedings themselves relate to the legal advice Ms May’s government has received from the attorney general, regarding the deal she’s hammered out with the EU. Of especial interest is the backstop intended to prevent a hard border on the island of Ireland.

“The EU is so terribly boring,” the pot plant shrugged, “all this droning on to try and stop a return to mass sectarian violence between whoever they are that don’t like each other in the colony, seriously, hasn’t Merkel got better things to do than meddle in our empire?”

We’ll ask her.

“Good. It doesn’t matter anyway,” the pot plant continued, “it’s not like we intend to stick to the withdrawal agreement until the moment we drag the whole show out of Europe. A second past 10pm on the 29th March 2019 it’s chainsaws to the eastern coast and cut us free to take our chances on the high seas of mass de-regulation and zero percent taxation.”

So what you’re saying is Downing Street says there is no need for contempt of parliament proceedings as the executive already hold parliament in contempt?

“Precisely. And parliament, by majority clearly holds the UK’s voters in contempt, given both major party leaders whipped their MPs to instigate Article 50 without a thought to the consequences. The noisy rabble should shut up and let us get on with doing what’s good for the web of dark money that’s shoved its fist firmly inside the UK government by the backdoor and turned the PM and her cabinet into puppets.”

LCD Views has exciting news for lovers of a democracy so polarised it’s in danger of entering an unexpected ice age, with the announcement that brutal wordsmith Theresa May is to debate an empty chair on December 8th, just days before the Commons votes in a way she’s guaranteed to ignore.

”Clearly Sturgeon, or anyone Scottish and fish based is right out,” organiser of the event, BBC Producer Mr Pro Brexit told us, “you see the way that Blackwater or Blackcrossing or Blackbridge, oh, forget the little details, the burly Scots chap who takes her on in the Commons, asks all the questions Corbyn’s handlers won’t even let him know exist? Yeah. Keep him up north. And the rest of them. Rebuild Hadrian’s Wall I say! Ha!”

But what about Caroline Lucas?

”Jesus wept, what sort of psycho are you? May would get eviscerated.”

Vince Cable?

”Get out! Sneaky bloody Libdems thought up the People’s Vote strategy. And he likes some facts that old man. If he hits her with a fact it’ll be like a rain shower on the wicked witch of the West.”

Clearly then leader of Her Majesty’s Loyal Opposition and world famous market gardener, Jeremy Corbyn, is the man for it?

”What’s the point? Seriously? A Brexiter debating a minor difference between two Brexits? Both cake and eat it fantasises? It’ll be a snooze fest, unless one of them loses their temper. Which is possible of course, if the other goes off the pre-approved script.”

So an empty chair it is then?

”Yep. Ms May is used to droning on pointlessly at a cabinet devoid of substance, so another bit of furnishing was thought the safest bet for her to repeat ‘the people are uniting behind my vision of warehousing the intentionally homeless with Brexit’ for an hour.”

That’s strange, I would have thought the whole idea of the so called debate was a pre-arranged plan behind closed doors between the Brexiters and the Lexiters to ram home to the British public that if they have to starve so two extremes can fight it out for an ideological insanity then so be it, there is no other choice.

“Oh bugger.”

What?

”I’ve got to cancel the chair and call Corbyn’s handlers.”

The proposed Brexit TV debate between primed moral miniature Theresa May and professional placard holder Jeremy Corbyn is to be filmed in a circus tent, it was announced today and only to LCD Views.

”Although it’s still doubtful it will actually happen,” TV producer, Mr Apple Corer (In-Temple TV Productions), told us, “as Jeremy is insisting it should be filmed in an all red circus tent and May’s people are demanding it is held in a used sleeping bag up cycled to a tent to show how concerned she is with the plight of all the homeless people she’s intentionally creating with the most bastard cruel set of policies since transportation.”

Other details to be nailed down include how many burning trees to include on the stage, to symbolise Brexit’s impact on the Conservative Party and its logo, and whether or not John McDonnell will be allowed to streak across the stage flinging copies of Mao’s Little Red Book at the enemies he imagines he’s fighting in his perfect cultural revolution.

But what about criticisms that the debate will be pointless as it will just be between two Brexiters?

”That’s not fair,” Mr Apple Corer replied, “Jeremy promises he won’t mention Brexit once during the Brexit debate.”

And what about Ms May?

“She’s been upgraded to a tape recorder for the debate and will her only line will be “This is a great deal for Britain”. It will be voiced by the actor who did Davros to give her extra gravitas and play on a loop, regardless of what her partner in Brexit says.”

Northern Ireland can go whistle. Gibraltar has been sacrificed. Now the Falkland Islanders are getting a bit nervous about their future. As a result, a binary referendum has been held, and The Penguins want to Leave the UK.

The Referpenguin, as it is known, simply asked whether to remain part of the UK, or to leave. The Penguins voted with their happy feet, and glorious independence beckons.

“We want to regain control of our fish!” claimed ecstatic campaigner Nigel Farockhopper. Farockhopper, known to all and sundry as “Mr Fexit”, is the publicity-hungry but workshy face of the campaign. He describes himself as ‘just one of the Chicks’ and an ‘everyBird’. “No more restrictions,” he continued. “We are free to control our own destiny!”

Rumours of Argentinian intervention haunt Mr Farockhopper, however. Cynics believe that the powerful South Americans have been funding Farockhopper’s Fexit drive, as they have a vested interest in stirring up dissent in this little archipelago with powerful continental neighbours.

Few penguins in the public eye have dared to say much in the face of such powerful populism. There is, though, a growing campaign to overturn the Referpenguin and hold a Penguins’ Vote. This movement has a strong following on the local social media platform, Fishbook.

Trade is one of their biggest bugbears. “40% of our guano goes to the UK,” reads one post. “If we leave the UK without a deal, then this trade will cease, and thousands of penguins will have to go to South Georgia for a shit.”

It all seems rather fishy. Farockhopper simply brushed off all criticism with a wave of his flipper. “It will be the easiest deal in history!” he squawked. “Already, I am flying off to Easter Island, Gibraltar and Atlantis to seek out new markets for our guano. I’ll be a millionaire in no time!”

The idea of a strong foreign influence wreaking havoc in a small group of islands close to a large, dynamic continent is so ridiculous, it couldn’t possibly catch on anywhere else, could it?

Honesty is not the best policy for a policy maker. A minister of the crown has been sacked for giving a straight answer to a straight question.

Anything is believable in this Parliament of Batshit Crazies, so long as it is unbelievable. Ministers have resigned over the truth before, never has one been removed from office because of it.

Work & Pensions minister Liza Faluzers is the minister in question. The question in question was, “Do you agree that poverty in the UK is a political decision?” The answer in question was “Yes”.

Her erstwhile boss, the resurrected Amber Rudd, had attacked the recent UN poverty report. Going on a charmless offensive, she dismissed the report on the grounds that she “didn’t like its tone”. In other words, it was direct and strongly worded. “It was totally unacceptable,” said Rudd’s mouthpiece Wat Awopper. “Our true motives must never be revealed.”

Faluzers made the admission that sealed her fate on BBC Question Time. At the end of the show she was whisked away to Number Ten to receive her P45.

“I was shocked!” Faluzers told LCD Views. “I went into politics to make a difference to people’s lives, to uphold their rights and fight their corner in parliament. The government is working against the people, in the interests of money hoarders. Brexit is part of the plan. And, by the way, Brexit is monumentally f***ing stupid.”

The event is set to send seismic waves through the Conservative Party. Are you, or have you ever been, honest? Lie detectors are being deployed, and anyone who can beat one will be expelled from the party.

Faluzers’ constituency, Pants-on-Fyre, has deselected her.

“It is a great shame”, remarked Amber Rudd. “We have lost an able team member and friend.” The lie detector buzzed reassuringly.

Meanwhile, cabinet meetings have been abandoned as nobody can hear over the racket made by the lie detectors.

The United Kingdom’s leading letter writer, Jacob Rees-mogg (MP for Going-on-Backwards) has announced his intention to gouge out one eye and to do it in public.

“The abject failure of the government to use our superpower to overwhelm the half a billion citizens of the wealthiest trade bloc on earth has left me with no choice but to pick up a red hot poker and jam it into my non-monocle wearing eye,” Rees-mogg told a nearly empty press conference this morning,

“if the United Kingdom can not be completely and utterly financially and civilly ruined by the hardest of all conceivable Brexits, then I see no choice but to deprive the hopeless peasantry of my considerable vision.”

Asked what he intended to do once he has cut his vision in half, Mr Rees-mogg revealed forward planning of the kind usually reserved for anyone not in the ERG.

“Once I only have one eye I will become king in the land of the blind,” he shrugged, “I hear the tax arrangements are particularly pleasing, as all of the inspectors are blind and so too the people, so they can’t see how much they are being fleeced. It will also come with the added advantage of being able to divide the population into the right and wrong sorts of people, then I can simply angle my head so as not to notice the undesirables.”

And where will you perform the spectacle?

“Under the statue of Winston Churchill on College Green. I have dreamed he will cry for me the moment the blazing rod of eyeon begins to push into my non-monocle wearing eye.”

Does he see any difficulties in such a feat of self-harm?

“I confess the poker will have to be exceedingly hot,” Rees-mogg admitted, “because first it’s got to burn through all the egg currently on my face after my failed coup to oust the prime minister.”

LCD Views can report exclusively from a WC concealed behind a secret door at a Tufton Street, Westminster address today that the power thinkers of British politics, The ERG, have a new plan to oust Prime Minister Theresa May, following the seeming failure of the intellectual powerhouses to bring about a no confidence vote in the PM.

“The ERG, not to be confused with the BORG, although we are admittedly two different brand names owned by an inter-galatic umbrella company called the TURD, demand that the chair of the Conservative Party 1922 committee, Graham Brady, allow President Donald Trump to count our no confidence letters in Prime Minister Theresa May,” spokesman for ERG, BORG and TURD, Jacob Rees-mogg said,

“because I wouldn’t have been such a one eyed idiot as to attempt to bully the prime minister in public last week unless I was damn sure I couldn’t get hurt afterwards. There simply must be an error in Mr Brady’s counting,

“There is not one iota of feasibility in the possibility that we developed a general high concept during some drunk, late night WhatsApp rant with each other and then shot our load in the dark without knowing who was going to get it in the eye afterwards. Or indeed before considering how many people who texted to say they would put quill to parchment were likely to actually do so. I’d look pretty bloody silly if that were the case.”

In response Mr Brady’s office said it wasn’t in the rules of the party concerning no confidence votes to have foreign heads of state count the letters, no matter how great at maths, and estimating the size of groups, they were known to be.

“Rules are for poor people,” Mr Rees-mogg dismissed the response, “it will be a simple matter for Owen Paterson to fly the letters over to Mr Trump the next time his handlers at Tufton Street arrange from him to go on a junket to the States. Mr Trump can then use all his fingers and toes three times to add up the letters. You will soon see Ms May does not carry the support of the party.”

Requests for the White House to comment on the matter were successful, insofar as there was a response.

“Who is Ms May again?” an official replied, before excusing themselves to help Donald Trump rake some leaves. Just so many leaves. You’ve never seen so many leaves.

The most famous pig’s head in British politics has given a rare interview today to assert it will stand against David Cameron should he launch any re-election comeback bid.

”I don’t mind admitting I’m still a little bitter,” Pork Scratchings told us in an exclusive interview conducted near the Bullingdon Club headquarters, just for the vibe, “I believed Dave when he told me we were always going to be together, and one day even, medical science would provide me with a body. And then we could get married.”

Well that was all a sham.

”Well that was all a lie. He was using me to impress the other boys.”

So your motivation for standing for election in any seat bored shitless, shepherd’s hut David decides to go for is a long standing wound of unrequited love?

”Excuse me?” Pork Scratchings looked well oinked, “do I look like I haven’t gotten on with my life? You think Britain’s laziest PM is that good a shag?”

Well, he did fuck the entire U.K., so…

”That. That there is my motivation.”

Jealousy is what is driving you?

”You haven’t done your research, have you? I was assured you were a professional outfit.”

Well, it’s a little hard to research an unsubstantiated rumour put about to make David Cameron a laughing stock by Boris Johnson, presumably.

”I’m not some cheap device utilised to draw on the lowest common denominator perception that all rich people are sexual perverts.”

Well, what are you then?

”I’m a serious Tory party candidate for Westminster. Just look what happens when you smash some lipstick on me and put me in a safe seat. I am not just some easy ride.”

Thats not what Dave says…

”Don’t ever call me for an interview again. I’ve a country to save.”