Category: Democracy

Westminster police are appealing for the assistance of the public today after the release of the image of a notorious fly pitcher spotted flogging peerages from an open briefcase on College Green.

“She could talk the knickers off a nun,” PC Dee Tective, in charge of efforts to combat illegal street trading in the area, told our crime and punishment correspondent, “well, not so much talk, but offer an incentive of either a billion pounds or a knighthood.”

The street hawker, nicknamed Bung by locals, is held in little affection in the locality and over the last several years has become an increasing nuisance to people attempting to get anything useful done.

“It’s mostly the way Bung calls out when she stalls out,” Dee explained, “knighthood means knighthood, peerage means peerage, privy council means privy council, red, white and blue knighthoods, pick any colour you like! They’re all red, white and blue! Like this. Day in and out. It’s driving people nuts.”

Of course more serious is the loss of credibility of the honour system, an integral part of British democracy, as Bung flogs counterfeit or damaged honours for a song from the paving, before legging it.

“There’s some many knights and lords, dames and damsels wandering about College Green now it’s hard to know who to doff your cap to,” PC Tective said, “and not to mention the waste created. Knock off knighthoods spoil rapidly. Bung dumps them in the alleyways if she gets the merest whiff of myself or one of my colleagues. They don’t half stink. I think she’s losing her touch a bit, as she used to shred any evidence of wrongdoing, not just discard it willy nilly.”

But the scourge of College Green may soon be feeling a little hot under the collar.

“There’s a big vote in the House of Commons coming up tomorrow,” PC Dee Tective said, “you can bet your last squid Bung will be out on the pavement attempting to make a killing this afternoon. And we’ll be ready to pounce. Unless of course we’ve been ordered not to intervene by some mysterious, shadowy mastermind higher up the food chain.”

Anyone seeing Bung is asked to phone the police and report the sighting and is advised not to approach.

“We don’t need any have a go heroes. Let us do our job. You get too close to bung you’re liable to discover later that your freedom to move across an entire continent has been robbed from your back pocket.”

Police up and down the country have been alerted to the threat posed by the Yellow Vest movement. Coppers have been ordered to take a zero-tolerance attitude towards anyone in a yellow vest acting suspiciously.

This hair-trigger attitude is making few friends, but it is at least an effective deterrent. Anyone in a light-coloured reflective jacket desecrating a vegan sausage roll gets lumped into a van and taken to the nearest nick to cool down.

However, the policy can backfire. Take a recent incident in which an over-keen policewoman arrested herself. LCD Views went down to the cells at Gammon-under-Pineapple police station to speak with the miscreant.

“I was getting ready for work, putting on my hi viz jacket, when I noticed this smug, foreign-looking woman in a yellow vest,” explained PC Myra Flection. “I tried to ignore her, but I kept catching sight of her everywhere in shop windows, puddles, you name it. She kept pace with me exactly. Well, I was in a right state when I walked into the station, I can tell you. I went straight up to the front desk and reported her.”

What happened next?

“I said, Sarge, I said, there’s this yellow vest woman stalking me,” said Flection. “What does she look like, he asked. Like that!! I said, pointing at her staring out of the mirror at me. Well, I didn’t waste any time, I marched right up to her and put the cuffs on.”

How did you manage that?

“She came right up to me too,” recalled Flection. “The only way to get the cuffs on was to put them on myself. So I walked back to the desk and handed myself in.”

Fair enough.

Back up at the front desk, Sergeant Evan Elpmee clarified what had happened. “PC Flection is keen, but as bright as a thirteen-watt bulb,” he explained. “And I’m talking about daffodil bulbs! She’s in the cells for the safety of the residents of Gammon-under-Pineapple.”

It’s certainly worth reflecting upon.

Signs of a vibrant and healthy parliamentary democracy in the United Kingdom are everywhere today afterTheresa May published her New Year’s Honours List for 2018.

“How did you find out about the honours list?” Mr Stone Wall, aide to the PM phoned up and demanded to know, “the list was snuck out last night while the majority of Britons were distracted by trying to work out if the leftover wedge of Christmas turkey was now too toxic to eat.”

How did you find out we found out? Is there a mole in our office? Or some other burrowing mammal? We demanded to know in return.

“Everything you do is being recorded,” the aide menaced, and then the line went dead.

The honours list includes numerous surprises, as with every year.

Chris Grayling has been knighted for services to transportation.

Jeremy Corbyn, MP for Islington North (until the next GE), has been knighted for services to Brexit. In consideration of his complete voting record of opposing anything EU related for decades, there’s no surprises there.

John Redwood knighted for services to idiocy. Of course.

But most surprising of all in the list was the inclusion of the prime minister herself.

”She’s knighted herself in the hope she’ll still vote for her Brexit deal when it comes before parliament in January,” our parliamentary correspondent observed, “although that’s a close run thing, as it’s highly likely she won’t bring her deal before parliament ever, for fear of losing the vote. In fact it’s more than likely she’ll use emergency powers to disband parliament completely.”

So she’s knighted herself for nothing?

”Not necessarily,” our correspondent observes, “no one, except perhaps Nigel Farage, and any MP who voted to trigger Article 50 without any care for what happened after, has done more in recent years in the service of traditional British xenophobia.”

Special Manager Jose Mourinho has vowed to move on to bigger and better things. After being sacked by Manchester United for being only moderately successful, he has set his ambitions on becoming a Special Prime Minister.

“It’s the biggest job in the world!” he claimed. “It’s the only job I’ve ever wanted, and there have been lots of them along the way!”

Mourhino believes he was born to do the job.

“I have all the necessary qualities,” boasted Mourinho. “I can be be really clear about my mixed messages, blame everyone else for my mistakes, and of course I can get you out of Europe faster than Marcus Rashford goes down under pressure in the penalty area.”

International politics requires you to be a diplomat. “I can be diplomatic!” Mourinho says. “Hostile environment? You got it, just ask Paul Pogba!”

Ah, Pogba. Why bring in a player for almost £90m, then not let him play? “It’s like being Brexit Secretary,” he explained. “Strictly a figurehead. I used to like him, until I found out he was French.”

Mourhino has no regrets. “Sometimes it is necessary to spend vast sums of money for no discernible return,” he said. “If it’s good enough for Theresa May, it’s good enough for me!”

Another footballing metaphor is relevant. “Sometimes it is good to be relegated,” Mourhino said. “Although the drop from Premier League to Fourth Division is a bit extreme! We will ditch all the expensive foreign players and rebuild using British pub league guys.”

Who will survive to play in Mourhino’s team? “May is too one-dimensional,” he said. “I’ll play Gove, he’s a slippery character. Corbyn, he’s useless but I need a left winger. Hammond, he’s old-fashioned but reliable. But I really need a whole new team!”

Just don’t forget that you will need a proper backstop.

Theresa May announced to the House of Commons yesterday that as part of ongoing government preparations for Brexit she will begin wearing military uniforms whenever talking to voters, or addressing parliament.

”She hasn’t decided on what rank to give herself,” Mr Cavalier, policy aide to 10 Downing Street told us, “but clearly it’s got to be senior. Once she settles on what kind of general she is then we’ll have a parade.”

Will everyone be invited?

”They already are, whether they like it or not. But she has the overwhelming support of a majority of the British people for this change in style, both dress and management. She’s really just following the instructions of the people.”

I guess she’ll be needing medals too?

”Yes. She’s now many famous victories defending the motherland. She’s won the war on immigrants. She triumphed over the poor. She’s just destroyed a sense of financial security for millions, that was do or die. Imagine the chaos now if Ed Milliband hadn’t fallen into the bacon sandwich trap? And May’s predecessor Corporal Cameron had lost? It doesn’t bear thinking about. Oh, and parliament will now be in permanent recess, as a mark of respect for General May’s wisdom.”

But what has the Labour leadership to say on this?

”It’s okay,” a spokesman for Jeremy Corbyn commented, “it paves the way perfectly for when Jeremy seizes power once the bourgeoisie are eating out of bins, post Brexit. He’s already practising wearing a beret and giving six hour talks straight to a television camera.”

Fiscal and moral relief in the ranks of government today with the passing of the great ‘Klepto Act’,which allows MPs to open up about the influence of foreign oligarchs in British politics, and not fear any consequences.

”We had to act on what is clearly now an entrenched aspect of our national politics,” Mr Byeme, Tory MP for Feudalism, told LCD Views, “too many senior MPs were having sleepless nights worrying what would happen if the amount of Russian. Saudi and US cash shoved into their greedy hands, in return for favourable policy decisions, was revealed.”

The act itself has long been rumoured to be approaching the statute books and was rushed into existence in a special, private sitting of parliament early Sunday morning.

”We didn’t want to make a great public fanfare about it till it was passed,” Mr Byeme explained, “but happily it was after Labour abstained on the vote with a nod and a wink. The DUP were right up for it. Christopher Upskirting tabled it and no one objected, largely because any of the irritating MPs who refused to be bought weren’t even told the vote was happening. Lammy, Grieve, Cooper, Lucas, Lee and so on, they were all at other things. Strike while the iron is hot! Ha!”

Under the provisions of the act senior Tory politicians will now just be able to say how much they have accepted, which offshore account it went into, who it came from, and then laugh.

”This is really a cross party initiative. Foreign influence and data crime crosses the political spectrum. It’s how we do business in a 21st century U.K. rapidly accelerating into the past.”

It’s believed now was felt to be the best time to get the Klepto Act into law.

”It helps prepare the country for Brexit,” Mr Byeme said, “and sees off any sticky issues that may arise once Mueller begins to dismantle publicly the international criminal conspiracy that is taking our representative democracies and flushing them down the toilet.

”It means we can more easily replace lost financial services with a mass increase in money laundering after Brexit. A field in which we’re already world leaders, between you and me. It’s just strong and stable government in action.”

Brexiters are in a bad mood after the recent government defeats. Those who fought under the banner of “Let’s take back control! are disgruntled because parliament has taken back control.

The issue of parliamentary sovereignty is also causing concern. LCD Views’ Moaning Minnie correspondent spoke to leading Brexiter, Wynn Jing, about the matters.

“Sovereignty was always a handy buzz-word,” sniffles Jing. “Nobody knew what it meant before the referendum, it just sounded nice and evoked Queen and Country. It was a handy thing to chuck at the evil EU. But none of us, in our darkest dreams, ever expected parliament to exert its sovereignty in this treacherous manner, getting in the way of our precious Brexit!”

It’s a nice irony, we contended, that Brexit is falling apart upon taking back control, which the likes of you campaigned for.

“It’s not fair!” wailed Jing. “Parliament shouldn’t stand in our way! The People voted, remember, The People voted, and the government works for The People!”

And parliament is there to debate and refine proposals put forward by the government. That’s the whole point.

“Parliament should be abolished then, in the name of democracy,” said Jing sulkily. “Democracy is like cream cakes, you can have too much of a good thing, and it leaves you bloated and feeling sick!”

You wanted to take back control, and have parliamentary sovereignty. Both have been in evidence. What’s the big problem?

“It’s no good if we don’t get our own way,” sobbed Jing. “Jacob Rees-Mogg has threatened to send Nanny over to knock a few heads together.”

Back to the Nanny state, we jested.

“It’s not funny!” cried Jing, rolling on his back and kicking the bars of his playpen. “I want my Brexit, and I want it now! I WANT MY BRRRRREEEEXXXIIIITTTT!”

Nanny has been instructed by parliament to remove all the crying man-babies (and woman-babies, let’s not be sexist), give them all a clip round the ear, and send them back to the school of hard knocks.

LCD Views can report today that the office of the prime minister has clarified its position on the minor matter of contempt of parliament proceedings, threatened by Labour, after Ms May’s government refused to do what she was told.

“We never do what we’re told by the children,” spokes-potplant for Ms May laughed, “God has chosen Theresa to autocratically rule in the earthly realm, and autocratically rule she will.”

The contempt proceedings themselves relate to the legal advice Ms May’s government has received from the attorney general, regarding the deal she’s hammered out with the EU. Of especial interest is the backstop intended to prevent a hard border on the island of Ireland.

“The EU is so terribly boring,” the pot plant shrugged, “all this droning on to try and stop a return to mass sectarian violence between whoever they are that don’t like each other in the colony, seriously, hasn’t Merkel got better things to do than meddle in our empire?”

We’ll ask her.

“Good. It doesn’t matter anyway,” the pot plant continued, “it’s not like we intend to stick to the withdrawal agreement until the moment we drag the whole show out of Europe. A second past 10pm on the 29th March 2019 it’s chainsaws to the eastern coast and cut us free to take our chances on the high seas of mass de-regulation and zero percent taxation.”

So what you’re saying is Downing Street says there is no need for contempt of parliament proceedings as the executive already hold parliament in contempt?

“Precisely. And parliament, by majority clearly holds the UK’s voters in contempt, given both major party leaders whipped their MPs to instigate Article 50 without a thought to the consequences. The noisy rabble should shut up and let us get on with doing what’s good for the web of dark money that’s shoved its fist firmly inside the UK government by the backdoor and turned the PM and her cabinet into puppets.”

LCD Views has exciting news for lovers of a democracy so polarised it’s in danger of entering an unexpected ice age, with the announcement that brutal wordsmith Theresa May is to debate an empty chair on December 8th, just days before the Commons votes in a way she’s guaranteed to ignore.

”Clearly Sturgeon, or anyone Scottish and fish based is right out,” organiser of the event, BBC Producer Mr Pro Brexit told us, “you see the way that Blackwater or Blackcrossing or Blackbridge, oh, forget the little details, the burly Scots chap who takes her on in the Commons, asks all the questions Corbyn’s handlers won’t even let him know exist? Yeah. Keep him up north. And the rest of them. Rebuild Hadrian’s Wall I say! Ha!”

But what about Caroline Lucas?

”Jesus wept, what sort of psycho are you? May would get eviscerated.”

Vince Cable?

”Get out! Sneaky bloody Libdems thought up the People’s Vote strategy. And he likes some facts that old man. If he hits her with a fact it’ll be like a rain shower on the wicked witch of the West.”

Clearly then leader of Her Majesty’s Loyal Opposition and world famous market gardener, Jeremy Corbyn, is the man for it?

”What’s the point? Seriously? A Brexiter debating a minor difference between two Brexits? Both cake and eat it fantasises? It’ll be a snooze fest, unless one of them loses their temper. Which is possible of course, if the other goes off the pre-approved script.”

So an empty chair it is then?

”Yep. Ms May is used to droning on pointlessly at a cabinet devoid of substance, so another bit of furnishing was thought the safest bet for her to repeat ‘the people are uniting behind my vision of warehousing the intentionally homeless with Brexit’ for an hour.”

That’s strange, I would have thought the whole idea of the so called debate was a pre-arranged plan behind closed doors between the Brexiters and the Lexiters to ram home to the British public that if they have to starve so two extremes can fight it out for an ideological insanity then so be it, there is no other choice.

“Oh bugger.”

What?

”I’ve got to cancel the chair and call Corbyn’s handlers.”

The proposed Brexit TV debate between primed moral miniature Theresa May and professional placard holder Jeremy Corbyn is to be filmed in a circus tent, it was announced today and only to LCD Views.

”Although it’s still doubtful it will actually happen,” TV producer, Mr Apple Corer (In-Temple TV Productions), told us, “as Jeremy is insisting it should be filmed in an all red circus tent and May’s people are demanding it is held in a used sleeping bag up cycled to a tent to show how concerned she is with the plight of all the homeless people she’s intentionally creating with the most bastard cruel set of policies since transportation.”

Other details to be nailed down include how many burning trees to include on the stage, to symbolise Brexit’s impact on the Conservative Party and its logo, and whether or not John McDonnell will be allowed to streak across the stage flinging copies of Mao’s Little Red Book at the enemies he imagines he’s fighting in his perfect cultural revolution.

But what about criticisms that the debate will be pointless as it will just be between two Brexiters?

”That’s not fair,” Mr Apple Corer replied, “Jeremy promises he won’t mention Brexit once during the Brexit debate.”

And what about Ms May?

“She’s been upgraded to a tape recorder for the debate and will her only line will be “This is a great deal for Britain”. It will be voiced by the actor who did Davros to give her extra gravitas and play on a loop, regardless of what her partner in Brexit says.”