Category: Democracy

The enlargement of the traditional Four Horsemen to ten was announced today. This Brexit dividend means that six new names need to be found.

Of the original four, who represents which is moot. “Well, I’m clearly Famine,” boasted Esther McVey on the World At One. “My record with Universal Credit, and the rolling out of food banks, make it quite obvious.”

No argument there, but who wants to be Death? “I can’t be Death as well!” trilled McVey. “No, I’m clearly Death,” replied Matt Hancock. “It’s in the Health Secretary’s job description!”

There is some dispute over who should be Pestilence. “I’m Pestilence!” cried Jeremy C. Hunt. “I’m Pestilence” yelled Sajid Javid. “I’m Pestilence, and so is my wife!” shouted Andrea Leadsom.

In fact, the true identity of Pestilence is Environment Secretary and junkie extraordinaire, Michael Gove.

Death, Famine, Pestilence, and… The Other One. The only contender to be The Other One is Mark “Who?” Harper.

“This is no good!” observed Boris Johnson, galloping into sight. “Half way through the article, and only just getting around to Boris? How very dare you!”

Boris brought his horse to an undignified halt in his accustomed manner. “By the way, I’m Conquest, if only of impressionable young fillies!” he wibbled.

LCD’s editorial staff have been Labouring long into the night to create suitable names for the remaining Horsemen. These descriptions were passed under the nose of our Religious Disputes correspondent, who passed them without comment after being tied to a chair and denied sleep pending their approval.

So, in no particular order, we present to you the following Horsemen. Instead of the equally accurate Pestilence, Jeremy C. Hunt is Arrogance, Sajid Javid is Betrayer Of Roots, and Andrea Leadsom is Parenthood.

That leaves Dominic Raab, prorogue pretender and Dover denier, to take the mantle of Idiocy. And finally the faux innocent ‘Tory Rory’ Stewart will henceforth be known as Feigned Reasonableness.

Now let’s sit back and watch them drive the Big Red Brexit Bus off the cliff edge. Popcorn, anyone?

CHOOSE RHYMING SLANG : Tory MP Jeremy Hunt has gotten into the confession game, being played by wannabe PM’s, by claiming the famous Trainspotting toilet scene was based on his early life.

“I was the worst toilet in Scotland in my twenties” said Hunt, during a frank press conference aimed at securing support for his leadership bid, “Skagheads used to use me all the time, yoo, um, ah, ya…ken me?”

The claim was met with skepticism by some, who felt that the UK’s Foreign Secretary was just trying to splash himself with some of the magic dust used to give Gove, Johnson, Leadsom, Raab and others street cred.

“But unlike some, such as Michael Gove, I am not a hypocrite,” Mr Hunt went on, “as I never used drugs, except by osmosis. It’s hard not to absorb some skag and laxatives especially, when you’re the worst toilet in Scotland.”

The veracity of Mr Hunt’s assertion has not been confirmed or denied by Transpotting author Irvine Welsh, who it is thought will take a dim view of a Tory trying to associate themselves with his fictional work.

“It makes a kind of grim sense though,” our political narcotics analyst mused, “Hunt is morally a toilet. When you look at his eyes you don’t see someone in their right mind. And he is just clearly completely full of verbal diarrhoea. Maybe he’s not lying?”

But if he isn’t lying, that may well be an even bigger shock.

Choose life. Don’t choose Jeremy Hunt. Just say no.

2+2=5 : Boris Johnson’s people have hit back today at claims his pledge to raise the 40% high earner tax rate to £80K+ is tantamount to a bribe to other MPs.

“That’s just coincidence,” a source claiming to work for Bojo told LCD Views, “we are trying to bribe the Tory party membership so they vote for Boris to be the next party leader. Average age 72, many of them on pensions of £80K a year? What would you do?”

The tax cut will apparently be paid for by increasing national insurance contributions and out of the funds set aside to prepare for a No Deal Brexit.

“Increasing NI is the fair way to give wealthier people a tax break,” the source says, “because that way the poor help pay for it disproportionately. That’s Tory fairness right there. And we don’t need a contingency fund for Brexit because Boris won’t be paying Brussels the £39bn required not to turn us into an international pariah. They can go whistle. What would you do?”

How successful Boris’s offer will be remains to be seen, because even if it helps him become Tory Party leader he’ll still need to get it through the House of Commons.

“We’ll worry about that when we come to it,” the source says, “clearly it may need to be raised to £90K or even over £100K, when you take into consideration future MP payrises? Still, it should help Boris command the confidence of the house. Who does want a tax break? What would you do?”

The pledge has been nicknamed the ‘Reverse Robin Hood’, which is exactly the kind of prime minister Boris Johnson promises to be.

TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE TSAR : There was the sound of a penny dropping in Peterborough late last night as the results of the by election saw red hot favourite Nigel Farage’s Brexit Party Co. just pipped at the electoral post.

Farrago left early. No barnstorming speech about how the people have risen to defend democracy by voting for a company and not a political party…he snuck out early. Bad sport. Left his candidate to face humiliation alone. The hot favourite going down in the final furlong. His trainer literally only stopping in Peterborough to have a piss before buggering off.

“Bit of fun that it was the UKIP vote that largely stopped Fartage gaining an MP for his Brexit Party,” our electoral analyst analysed, “while we’re on that puddle of warm piss, Farage really is an excellent troll of his own supporters.”

How so?

“He heads up a company that isn’t a political party, to promote the political agenda Brexit, and calls it the Brexit Party, which its supporters just accept as a party, and all that implies in terms of their influence (which is nil) without questioning why it’s a company, and some people even vote for it, without it having a manifesto? So it’s not a party at all, in any recognisable sense. Just a piss taking exercise of the electorate.”

The Labour hold was good news for the dyke against fascism being furiously constructed, within a country which didn’t realise it needed one.

Even if it’s being done with little help from Labour leadership, who are still backing the fascist agenda of Brexit, delivering on the will of the democratically defrauded people, in the bizarre belief that it will lead to a more equal society. One in which everyone is equally poor?

What we can learn from it is that we’re still in a giant muddle. Ankle deep in that warm urinal puddle. Although it’s a smaller mess than it appeared, as support for Brexit in a constituency heavily leave has drained away to a noticeable degree.

Imagine if one of the main parties stopped saying that Brexit was feasible?

The Tories are dead however you look at it, unless the sands shift in an unexpected way. So let’s not bother with them.

But Labour can still climb out of the trough. Their support is steadily leaving and it’s going remain. Enough to stop them winning a general election.

When will that particular penny drop? Peterborough temporarily brought Farage to a stop. A Labour party not content to watch its support drain away could make the stop a full one.

INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE – Tory leadership contender Dominic Raab is reported to be in crisis talks this morning with his personal stylist after being presented with two different outfits to choose from as he bids to be the UK’s next absolute monarch, or religious extremist.

“Does he want to be Charles 1st or Guy Fawkes? Both have their appeal,” a fly on the wall told us, “does he want to shut parliament down because it’s getting in the way of his divine right to rule, or just blow the whole show to smithereens?”

The fly, first attracted to the Raab household by the overwhelming smell of horseshit, says that it’s a cascade of problems.

“The outfit choice is just the tip of a difficult iceberg,” it buzzes, “how to solve the wardrobe crisis? Do you flip a coin? Do you consult the knucklebones? Do you just take your shirt off and flex in front of a mirror shouting ‘hoograaaaaah’? These are the moments that reveal what sort of a leader of men a man is.”

While both styles have their advantages, it’s thought by outsiders that a mash up of the two maybe most appropriate.

“Stylistically they’re not too far apart anyway, being both of the first half of the 17th century. Why not just wear Fawke’s hat and Charles’ tights? Then he can both blow up parliament and shut it down. Two birds with one stone.”

LCD Views would like to wish Mr Raab the best of luck with his decision making process, as we appreciate it’s slow and laborious.

Take back control, of parliament, and then mothball it, or torch it, it’s good to know the real meaning behind the Brexit slogan at last. Democracy? Not if we can help it.

YOUR NEXT PM ALREADY HATES YOU : The news wires are thrumming this morning with the news that Michael Gove is to meet privately with Rupert Murdoch’s deputy Donald Trump later today. But why?

“It’s a puzzle,” an aide to Michael Gove admitted to us, at a chance meeting in Hyde Park, “Donald Trump said yesterday he doesn’t know Michael Gove. Buggered if I know while they’ll be having a meeting. Trump is over here running errands for Murdoch, and some other well known billionaires, why he wants to see Gove is anyone’s guess.”

Don’t bullshit us. You know exactly why they’re meeting. As to the claim by Trump he doesn’t know Gove? That’s total nonsense. Gove interviewed him when Murdoch elevated Trump to regional manager back in late 2016.

“But I’m not supposed to say.”

Then let me guess and you nod or wink.

”Okay. But it’s pure speculation on your part.”

Everything we write is. So let’s have a swing at it. Is it so Trump can tell Gove who Murdoch has chosen to be the next British PM?

”Got it in one!”

You’re just supposed to nod or wink.

”Oh sorry. Nod.”

Don’t say it. Nod your head or wink.

”Wink then.”

Christ. Thanks for the insight.

”I hope it’s Gove. He’s been a very loyal foot soldier all these years. It’s time he was rewarded for all the hard work.”

What if Rupert has chosen Boris Johnson instead? That’ll burn.

”I don’t think anyone has chosen Boris. He’s just there for the laugh. Hero’s journey. But he won’t make it to the end. And even if he does, the most important thing is that the people believe they have decided who is the next PM.”

But they won’t have. It’ll be Murdoch who does, like always.

”But we’ll tell the people they have decided. The next PM will be their champion and will rail against the unelected elites in Brussels.”

But we just held elections for the EU parliament.

”What happens and what we tell you happened are often two different things. Funny old world, Rupert’s journalism, isn’t it? Just make sure whatever you see about the Tory leadership election on the front pages, that you believe it. All hail the king! The king is dead! And whoever is the next Tory leader, it’s what Rupert said.”

Labour’s Brexit banshee Kate Hoey has tried to resign from her party. However, Labour HQ has turned down this request, citing party unity.

Farage’s friend is fuming. “Kate is frustrated that Labour isn’t clear on Brexit,” says our mole, Liv Inahole. “She wants Labour to follow the Tories right up Nigel’s arse and get in a flap about floundering flatfish.”

This news follows the sacking of Alastair Campbell. Campbell was removed for registering a protest vote. “Kate has called for action from Jeremy Corbyn,” explains Inahole. “She interprets Campbell’s sacking as a sign to get on and deliver Brexit.”

Unfortunately, Corbyn has been getting round to getting on with… something… for the last three years.

Hoey is still in the Labour party, despite (probably) voting for the Brexit party. Possibly. We simply don’t know for certain. It’s a secret ballot (except on Twitter).

“They wouldn’t let her resign, because the party needs a strong Brexit voice,” said Inahole. “It’s a bit like the BBC in that respect.”

Yet a moderate voice is kicked out instantly.

“Yes, but it’s Alastair flippin’ Campbell innit,” explained Inahole. “Bloody Blairite scum. They have been looking for an excuse to get rid of him for years!”

Remember Tony Blair? Labour landslides, in power for 13 years? They must have done something right?

“Yeah, but Iraq,” she replied.

Surely Labour could well be in power again if only it opposed Brexit?

“Yeah, but we had a vote,” said Inahole, her tone like that of one speaking to a three year old. “One vote, and one sentence in a manifesto that has otherwise been completely ignored. Which means our course of action is set in stone for eternity, so we need Kate to make it happen.”

Kate Hoey resigned… to remaining in the Labour party. And Brexit is close to claiming them all as it’s own.

WHY NOT HAVE A GO : The Suez Crisis was tight lipped today after The Charge of the Light Brigade entered the Tory leadership contest with what appeared to be a direct, frontal assault on the other international crisis.

”I expect the tweet was a result of a mix up in the chain of command in the Light Brigade’s campaign team,” Special K, embedded BBC reporter for all Tory matters, told LCD Views, “it has to be. The Suez Crisis is yet to confirm if it’s even entering the race to eventually replace Theresa May, sometime before the Sun supernovas and cooks us all.”

The move to take on the human contemporary British disasters, such as Jeremy Hunt, Esther McVey, Boris Johnson and so on, by historic British calamities has been expected.

”The Titanic is putting together a team too,” Special informs excitedly, like a Jack Russell shown a rat, “and with the already sizeable popularity of that catastrophe in the public’s consciousness it could have one or two of the other hopefuls running for a life boat.”

Focus now is on how the Suez Crisis will respond to the direct personal attack by the Charge of the Light Brigade.

”The Suez Crisis is to be featured in a splash this weekend in the Sunday Mail, which is believed to foreshadow its official declaration that it wants to govern the country next,

”A source close to its team of advisors says it’s to be shown running up a beach and knitting a cardigan in the hope of appearing more approachable,

”You know, less like a completely avoidable and humiliating disaster. But it’s not certain how much support it will garner from the membership as it has an exceptionally left wing agenda of promising to pretty much nationalise everything without regard to the cost.”

LCD Views remains impartial on who we would like to see takeover from Theresa May, at this stage, so we wish all the disasters, human and historical, the best of luck.

But with Brexit itself the clear favourite to replace May and achieve total control of the country, it’s difficult to see why any of them are bothering.

An unelected, unaccountable man has appeared on TV (again) to clarify just how democratic he is. He is demanding that he simply takes over everything – the EU parliament, the UK parliament, the BBC, the NHS. This, apparently, is 21^st century democracy.

To make sure this happens, the man has set up his own limited company, with himself as CEO and major shareholder. With all the nasty details hidden from view, his popularity is higher than ever.

LCD Views’ Tinpot Hitler correspondent had no difficulty in arranging an interview.

LCD: Why is your new party a limited company?

THE MAN: It’s unfair that political parties are funded by the taxpayer. The private sector is far more efficient!

LCD: What does your company buy and sell?

THE MAN: We sell democracy. We have updated democracy to be fit for the modern era. My guaranteed position as undisputed leader of the new democracy ensures stability, in contrast to the shambles of the Tories.

LCD: I assume that you will be buying votes?

THE MAN: Votes cannot be bought, you know that. But we can buy lobbyists, newspaper columns, data miners, social media propaganda, and the like. So in essence, yes.

LCD: And your “party” has so far been funded by a large number of donations, all suspiciously just under the radar. Where does this funding come from?

THE MAN: Never you mind. By obscuring crucial details, we bring clarity to the minds of our public!

LCD: Is it true that you have simply assumed your position, without election or accountability, as a proxy political party, to escape the rules of the Electoral Commission?

THE MAN: Yes. I mean, no. I mean, well, it may not look democratic to you, but I assure you that democracy will develop and be better than ever!

LCD: Rumours have it that your ultimate ambition is to acquire UK plc as a wholly owned subsidiary.

THE MAN: It’s a battle for hearts and minds. Then it’s just a case of buying up whatever we can, with our friends in Tufton Street organising the finance.

LCD: One final observation. Your initials, NF, are the same as the fascist National Front.

THE MAN: And Jeremy Corbyn’s are the same as Jesus Christ, and nobody has ever called him the Messiah!

LCD: The Man, thank you.

LCD Views recommends that everyone buys shares in the Brexit Party and votes The Man off the board at the next AGM.

https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=468058373932079

We’ve all been having a good laugh at Tommy Robinson since he failed miserably in his attempt to become an MEP at the weekend, not even getting enough votes to win back his deposit. Well, it seems someone’s taken pity on him, and McDonalds are giving him £5,000 worth of vouchers to use in their restaurants.

The announcement was made last night by their press officer Hugh Eatitt:

“We’ve been feeling a bit sorry for Mr Robinson – or whichever alias he wants to go by now,” he explained. “So we’re giving him £5,000 worth of vouchers as a way of making it up to him.”

The vouchers are valid in any McDonalds restaurant between June 1st and June 30th 2019.

Under closer scrutiny however, it was revealed that the vouchers in question are all for half price milkshakes, and that in order to save that £5,000 he will have to actually spend £5,000 on their products.

“Hey, what do you think we are, a charity?” retorted Eatitt.

Mr Robinson, or Mr Yaxley-Lennon, or whatever name he is using this week, was oddly philosophical about it.

“I’m gonna get those milkshakes,” he said, “and I’m gonna throw ‘em all over everyone I hate. And just for a laugh, he’s gonna get the first one all over his suit. He thinks it’s funny giving me milkshakes? I’ll give him a milkshake for a laugh.”

However, it would appear that McDonalds had anticipated this. Should Tommy hurl any of those milkshakes at any McDonalds employee, from the CEO down to the front line shop workers, the remaining vouchers will instantly become null and void and he will be required to pay £5,000 in damages plus any additional expenses.

But it would seem Tommy had the answer for this. “In that case I’ll use them all up on whoever I don’t like, then when they’re used up I’ll go and get a big one from Burger King and throw that one on him, they can’t get me for that.”

Milkman Tommy’s reign of milkshake terror is set to commence this weekend. You have been warned!