Category: Democracy

The survival of the thickest competition, otherwise known as the Tory leadership contest, has claimed its first victims. Thick as mince, but clearly not thick enough, three candidates have passed their sell-by date.

The first of the three is minced turkey voting for Christmas, Esther McVey. If Theresa May was the embodiment of the hostile environment, then McVey was its pretty face. Her latest attempt at being truly thick came when she failed to learn the backstory for an airheaded tale about an airport built using the aid budget. Where was it? A continent somewhere… abroad… somewhere foreign, anyway, why let facts cloud a good bit of charity bashing?

Then there is mutton dressed as lamb mince, Andrea Leadsom. Leadsom is like a pale caricature of May, but without the charisma. Not even the fact that she had dropped sprogs could preserve her from the lamb chop this time.

Finally, sucking it up, extra strong mince, Mark Harper. Out of place on the meat shelves, like Mother Superior at a wife-swapping party, Harper is so anonymous his own family doesn’t know who he is. He is clearly the most acceptable of the ten, so therefore not nearly thick enough to continue. An immediate sweet return to the backbench confectionery aisle.

But who will be the shortest of the two short planks? Who will be the thickest of the thieves? Separating the sheep from the goats is LCD Views’ Thy Kingdom Come correspondent, Wilby Dunn.

“Clearly, they are all sheep,” said Dunn, literally. “The sheep are on the right, and inherit the kingdom of Brexit. The goats are on the left, and are ignored for ever and ever, amen.”

Dunn paused on this metaphor, wondering who the shepherd of all these brainless sheep could be. “A Jesus figure? A flawless, benevolent lord? You must be kidding!” laughed Dunn. “We are looking at an antichrist, a puppet-master pulling Pinocchio’s strings behind the curtain. Not Farage, not Trump, not even Murdoch. So I cast my mind to the mysterious East, to Moscow maybe, and to… ouch… I don’t feel too good… eurggghhhh…”

And he dropped down dead from Novichok poisoning.

The plot thickens.

MAGIC MONEY : The CONservative leadership process is due to last till late July, but even now the contenders for the job of replacing Theresa May are having to consider their first job as party leader.

“Euros or Sterling?” our political analyst muses, “It’s tricky. You’d assume the new Tory leader would expect to pay the DUP in pounds to form a government, but with the decline in Sterling, maybe Euros would be smarter?”

But don’t they have to go and see the Queen to request permission to form a government? Ms Foster isn’t the monarch, at least, not officially.

“But before they go to see the Queen they have to have the numbers to form a working majority. They have to be able to assure the Queen they can govern in her name. Not that the Queen probably wants any of these prats to do that! Whoever succeeds in the survival of the thickest to takeover from May will have to talk to the DUP first, or they won’t have the numbers to even pretend to govern.”

Even with the DUP’s help they’ll only have a majority of about five?

“Maybe not even that, if some of the Tory MPs who have said they’ll quit if Boris becomes PM make good on the threat.”

So it’s pointless to talk to Foster, if the Tory MPs in question stick to their convictions.

“Excuse me? What was that last bit?”

Oh! Silly me. Okay. So Foster first and then Her Maj.

But couldn’t they attempt to govern as a minority? How likely do you think that is?

“Snowflake’s chance in hell?”

Less?

“So this all looks pretty ridiculous. A big waste of time. We’ll have to have a GE. The new Tory leader may not be able to win the confidence of the house, so there will have to be a general election. They may not be able to negotiate with the DUP even. Foster may decide it’s time to cut the Tories loose before the remain backlash in Northern Ireland becomes insurmountable.”

What a state democracy in the UK is in!

“Total state of denial,” our analyst says, “and I’m not talking about a river in Africa! We all thought May was on a suicide mission, but she was just fuelling up the plane.”

The enlargement of the traditional Four Horsemen to ten was announced today. This Brexit dividend means that six new names need to be found.

Of the original four, who represents which is moot. “Well, I’m clearly Famine,” boasted Esther McVey on the World At One. “My record with Universal Credit, and the rolling out of food banks, make it quite obvious.”

No argument there, but who wants to be Death? “I can’t be Death as well!” trilled McVey. “No, I’m clearly Death,” replied Matt Hancock. “It’s in the Health Secretary’s job description!”

There is some dispute over who should be Pestilence. “I’m Pestilence!” cried Jeremy C. Hunt. “I’m Pestilence” yelled Sajid Javid. “I’m Pestilence, and so is my wife!” shouted Andrea Leadsom.

In fact, the true identity of Pestilence is Environment Secretary and junkie extraordinaire, Michael Gove.

Death, Famine, Pestilence, and… The Other One. The only contender to be The Other One is Mark “Who?” Harper.

“This is no good!” observed Boris Johnson, galloping into sight. “Half way through the article, and only just getting around to Boris? How very dare you!”

Boris brought his horse to an undignified halt in his accustomed manner. “By the way, I’m Conquest, if only of impressionable young fillies!” he wibbled.

LCD’s editorial staff have been Labouring long into the night to create suitable names for the remaining Horsemen. These descriptions were passed under the nose of our Religious Disputes correspondent, who passed them without comment after being tied to a chair and denied sleep pending their approval.

So, in no particular order, we present to you the following Horsemen. Instead of the equally accurate Pestilence, Jeremy C. Hunt is Arrogance, Sajid Javid is Betrayer Of Roots, and Andrea Leadsom is Parenthood.

That leaves Dominic Raab, prorogue pretender and Dover denier, to take the mantle of Idiocy. And finally the faux innocent ‘Tory Rory’ Stewart will henceforth be known as Feigned Reasonableness.

Now let’s sit back and watch them drive the Big Red Brexit Bus off the cliff edge. Popcorn, anyone?

CHOOSE RHYMING SLANG : Tory MP Jeremy Hunt has gotten into the confession game, being played by wannabe PM’s, by claiming the famous Trainspotting toilet scene was based on his early life.

“I was the worst toilet in Scotland in my twenties” said Hunt, during a frank press conference aimed at securing support for his leadership bid, “Skagheads used to use me all the time, yoo, um, ah, ya…ken me?”

The claim was met with skepticism by some, who felt that the UK’s Foreign Secretary was just trying to splash himself with some of the magic dust used to give Gove, Johnson, Leadsom, Raab and others street cred.

“But unlike some, such as Michael Gove, I am not a hypocrite,” Mr Hunt went on, “as I never used drugs, except by osmosis. It’s hard not to absorb some skag and laxatives especially, when you’re the worst toilet in Scotland.”

The veracity of Mr Hunt’s assertion has not been confirmed or denied by Transpotting author Irvine Welsh, who it is thought will take a dim view of a Tory trying to associate themselves with his fictional work.

“It makes a kind of grim sense though,” our political narcotics analyst mused, “Hunt is morally a toilet. When you look at his eyes you don’t see someone in their right mind. And he is just clearly completely full of verbal diarrhoea. Maybe he’s not lying?”

But if he isn’t lying, that may well be an even bigger shock.

Choose life. Don’t choose Jeremy Hunt. Just say no.

2+2=5 : Boris Johnson’s people have hit back today at claims his pledge to raise the 40% high earner tax rate to £80K+ is tantamount to a bribe to other MPs.

“That’s just coincidence,” a source claiming to work for Bojo told LCD Views, “we are trying to bribe the Tory party membership so they vote for Boris to be the next party leader. Average age 72, many of them on pensions of £80K a year? What would you do?”

The tax cut will apparently be paid for by increasing national insurance contributions and out of the funds set aside to prepare for a No Deal Brexit.

“Increasing NI is the fair way to give wealthier people a tax break,” the source says, “because that way the poor help pay for it disproportionately. That’s Tory fairness right there. And we don’t need a contingency fund for Brexit because Boris won’t be paying Brussels the £39bn required not to turn us into an international pariah. They can go whistle. What would you do?”

How successful Boris’s offer will be remains to be seen, because even if it helps him become Tory Party leader he’ll still need to get it through the House of Commons.

“We’ll worry about that when we come to it,” the source says, “clearly it may need to be raised to £90K or even over £100K, when you take into consideration future MP payrises? Still, it should help Boris command the confidence of the house. Who does want a tax break? What would you do?”

The pledge has been nicknamed the ‘Reverse Robin Hood’, which is exactly the kind of prime minister Boris Johnson promises to be.

TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE TSAR : There was the sound of a penny dropping in Peterborough late last night as the results of the by election saw red hot favourite Nigel Farage’s Brexit Party Co. just pipped at the electoral post.

Farrago left early. No barnstorming speech about how the people have risen to defend democracy by voting for a company and not a political party…he snuck out early. Bad sport. Left his candidate to face humiliation alone. The hot favourite going down in the final furlong. His trainer literally only stopping in Peterborough to have a piss before buggering off.

“Bit of fun that it was the UKIP vote that largely stopped Fartage gaining an MP for his Brexit Party,” our electoral analyst analysed, “while we’re on that puddle of warm piss, Farage really is an excellent troll of his own supporters.”

How so?

“He heads up a company that isn’t a political party, to promote the political agenda Brexit, and calls it the Brexit Party, which its supporters just accept as a party, and all that implies in terms of their influence (which is nil) without questioning why it’s a company, and some people even vote for it, without it having a manifesto? So it’s not a party at all, in any recognisable sense. Just a piss taking exercise of the electorate.”

The Labour hold was good news for the dyke against fascism being furiously constructed, within a country which didn’t realise it needed one.

Even if it’s being done with little help from Labour leadership, who are still backing the fascist agenda of Brexit, delivering on the will of the democratically defrauded people, in the bizarre belief that it will lead to a more equal society. One in which everyone is equally poor?

What we can learn from it is that we’re still in a giant muddle. Ankle deep in that warm urinal puddle. Although it’s a smaller mess than it appeared, as support for Brexit in a constituency heavily leave has drained away to a noticeable degree.

Imagine if one of the main parties stopped saying that Brexit was feasible?

The Tories are dead however you look at it, unless the sands shift in an unexpected way. So let’s not bother with them.

But Labour can still climb out of the trough. Their support is steadily leaving and it’s going remain. Enough to stop them winning a general election.

When will that particular penny drop? Peterborough temporarily brought Farage to a stop. A Labour party not content to watch its support drain away could make the stop a full one.

INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE – Tory leadership contender Dominic Raab is reported to be in crisis talks this morning with his personal stylist after being presented with two different outfits to choose from as he bids to be the UK’s next absolute monarch, or religious extremist.

“Does he want to be Charles 1st or Guy Fawkes? Both have their appeal,” a fly on the wall told us, “does he want to shut parliament down because it’s getting in the way of his divine right to rule, or just blow the whole show to smithereens?”

The fly, first attracted to the Raab household by the overwhelming smell of horseshit, says that it’s a cascade of problems.

“The outfit choice is just the tip of a difficult iceberg,” it buzzes, “how to solve the wardrobe crisis? Do you flip a coin? Do you consult the knucklebones? Do you just take your shirt off and flex in front of a mirror shouting ‘hoograaaaaah’? These are the moments that reveal what sort of a leader of men a man is.”

While both styles have their advantages, it’s thought by outsiders that a mash up of the two maybe most appropriate.

“Stylistically they’re not too far apart anyway, being both of the first half of the 17th century. Why not just wear Fawke’s hat and Charles’ tights? Then he can both blow up parliament and shut it down. Two birds with one stone.”

LCD Views would like to wish Mr Raab the best of luck with his decision making process, as we appreciate it’s slow and laborious.

Take back control, of parliament, and then mothball it, or torch it, it’s good to know the real meaning behind the Brexit slogan at last. Democracy? Not if we can help it.

YOUR NEXT PM ALREADY HATES YOU : The news wires are thrumming this morning with the news that Michael Gove is to meet privately with Rupert Murdoch’s deputy Donald Trump later today. But why?

“It’s a puzzle,” an aide to Michael Gove admitted to us, at a chance meeting in Hyde Park, “Donald Trump said yesterday he doesn’t know Michael Gove. Buggered if I know while they’ll be having a meeting. Trump is over here running errands for Murdoch, and some other well known billionaires, why he wants to see Gove is anyone’s guess.”

Don’t bullshit us. You know exactly why they’re meeting. As to the claim by Trump he doesn’t know Gove? That’s total nonsense. Gove interviewed him when Murdoch elevated Trump to regional manager back in late 2016.

“But I’m not supposed to say.”

Then let me guess and you nod or wink.

”Okay. But it’s pure speculation on your part.”

Everything we write is. So let’s have a swing at it. Is it so Trump can tell Gove who Murdoch has chosen to be the next British PM?

”Got it in one!”

You’re just supposed to nod or wink.

”Oh sorry. Nod.”

Don’t say it. Nod your head or wink.

”Wink then.”

Christ. Thanks for the insight.

”I hope it’s Gove. He’s been a very loyal foot soldier all these years. It’s time he was rewarded for all the hard work.”

What if Rupert has chosen Boris Johnson instead? That’ll burn.

”I don’t think anyone has chosen Boris. He’s just there for the laugh. Hero’s journey. But he won’t make it to the end. And even if he does, the most important thing is that the people believe they have decided who is the next PM.”

But they won’t have. It’ll be Murdoch who does, like always.

”But we’ll tell the people they have decided. The next PM will be their champion and will rail against the unelected elites in Brussels.”

But we just held elections for the EU parliament.

”What happens and what we tell you happened are often two different things. Funny old world, Rupert’s journalism, isn’t it? Just make sure whatever you see about the Tory leadership election on the front pages, that you believe it. All hail the king! The king is dead! And whoever is the next Tory leader, it’s what Rupert said.”

Labour’s Brexit banshee Kate Hoey has tried to resign from her party. However, Labour HQ has turned down this request, citing party unity.

Farage’s friend is fuming. “Kate is frustrated that Labour isn’t clear on Brexit,” says our mole, Liv Inahole. “She wants Labour to follow the Tories right up Nigel’s arse and get in a flap about floundering flatfish.”

This news follows the sacking of Alastair Campbell. Campbell was removed for registering a protest vote. “Kate has called for action from Jeremy Corbyn,” explains Inahole. “She interprets Campbell’s sacking as a sign to get on and deliver Brexit.”

Unfortunately, Corbyn has been getting round to getting on with… something… for the last three years.

Hoey is still in the Labour party, despite (probably) voting for the Brexit party. Possibly. We simply don’t know for certain. It’s a secret ballot (except on Twitter).

“They wouldn’t let her resign, because the party needs a strong Brexit voice,” said Inahole. “It’s a bit like the BBC in that respect.”

Yet a moderate voice is kicked out instantly.

“Yes, but it’s Alastair flippin’ Campbell innit,” explained Inahole. “Bloody Blairite scum. They have been looking for an excuse to get rid of him for years!”

Remember Tony Blair? Labour landslides, in power for 13 years? They must have done something right?

“Yeah, but Iraq,” she replied.

Surely Labour could well be in power again if only it opposed Brexit?

“Yeah, but we had a vote,” said Inahole, her tone like that of one speaking to a three year old. “One vote, and one sentence in a manifesto that has otherwise been completely ignored. Which means our course of action is set in stone for eternity, so we need Kate to make it happen.”

Kate Hoey resigned… to remaining in the Labour party. And Brexit is close to claiming them all as it’s own.

WHY NOT HAVE A GO : The Suez Crisis was tight lipped today after The Charge of the Light Brigade entered the Tory leadership contest with what appeared to be a direct, frontal assault on the other international crisis.

”I expect the tweet was a result of a mix up in the chain of command in the Light Brigade’s campaign team,” Special K, embedded BBC reporter for all Tory matters, told LCD Views, “it has to be. The Suez Crisis is yet to confirm if it’s even entering the race to eventually replace Theresa May, sometime before the Sun supernovas and cooks us all.”

The move to take on the human contemporary British disasters, such as Jeremy Hunt, Esther McVey, Boris Johnson and so on, by historic British calamities has been expected.

”The Titanic is putting together a team too,” Special informs excitedly, like a Jack Russell shown a rat, “and with the already sizeable popularity of that catastrophe in the public’s consciousness it could have one or two of the other hopefuls running for a life boat.”

Focus now is on how the Suez Crisis will respond to the direct personal attack by the Charge of the Light Brigade.

”The Suez Crisis is to be featured in a splash this weekend in the Sunday Mail, which is believed to foreshadow its official declaration that it wants to govern the country next,

”A source close to its team of advisors says it’s to be shown running up a beach and knitting a cardigan in the hope of appearing more approachable,

”You know, less like a completely avoidable and humiliating disaster. But it’s not certain how much support it will garner from the membership as it has an exceptionally left wing agenda of promising to pretty much nationalise everything without regard to the cost.”

LCD Views remains impartial on who we would like to see takeover from Theresa May, at this stage, so we wish all the disasters, human and historical, the best of luck.

But with Brexit itself the clear favourite to replace May and achieve total control of the country, it’s difficult to see why any of them are bothering.