Category: Democracy

CHANGE OF MIND : The Conservative Party has responded today to news that thousands of their members were given multiple ballot papers for the Tory leadership coronation of Boris Johnson.

Speaking to Marred (terminally) on the BBC this morning, Tory Party Chairman, Lord Offshore, explained the unique voting system.

“It’s a stitch up,” he shrugged, “I mean if it looks like a duck, if it walks like a duck and if it rambles incoherently in Etonian, it’s a duck.”

He also said, when pushed by more polite, deferential, leading questions from the interviewer, that just because the result of the vote has been pre-ordained, doesn’t make it illegitimate, if you say it is legitimate.

“Some members can afford more than one ballot paper, so they have been supplied with more,” he shrugged, “anyway, we’ve lost all ability to not rig a vote, since endorsing the criminally procured mandate to enrich a few of us in mid 2016.”

But the multiple ballots have caused a crunch in supply of bananas in the supermarkets.

“We have to get the voting paper from the right source. Banana skin is the best for this kind of thing. But let no one claim the abandoning of all pretence to defending rule of law means the UK is now a banana republic. It remains a monarchy. We just have to decide what kind of fruit monarchy it is. I suggest a proper, traditional, homegrown, indigenous British fruit, such as the pineapple.”

And in case anyone was still unconvinced by the conduct of the leadership vote, Lord Offshore offered further reassurance.

“Some members may decide to change their mind after they vote. Say, if new information comes out. One of the contenders may offer an even greater unaffordable tax giveaway. Or perhaps a promise to end universal suffrage and means test it instead. If that causes a member to change their mind, then they have that ability. It’s how a democracy succeeds.”

To underline this he added :

“If a democracy can’t change its mind, it ceases to be a democracy.”

Who will you vote for? Remember to do it twice.

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/how-to-rig-an-election/id1458750622?i=1000437000623

• the inclusion of the podcast is not intended to suggest the Tory leadership election is corrupt. I’m sure they’ll have a full and proper inquiry into what went wrong, just like with the corruption in the EU referendum of 2016, and then act according to defend our democracy and ensure it is beyond reproach…But the screw up with voting papers brought the podcast to mind.

The local management of the local retirement village in Royston Vasey has confirmed that one of their inmates is on the run. In better news, a worryingly progressive youngster has notified the management that the inmate has been spotted, via social media, in Strasbourg.

Social media and Royston Vasey go together like Brexit and reality. Therefore, the news filtered in via a rogue niece of Tubbs, who escaped to, well, somewhere not local. She sent an image by carrier pigeon, with a note asking if Auntie Ann had got out again.

LCD Views’ Wing And A Prayer correspondent saw the reply, which merely said that Auntie Ann would be “made to sit in The Special Chair” when she returned.

Tubbs’ Niece, Emmy Grant, takes up the story. “Auntie Ann was always a character,” she explains. “She never married, because, she says, a man once looked at her funny-like. But the real reason is that she herself is played by a man, of course.”

Why the desire to escape?

“It is in her blood,” says Grant. “Wandering Widdy was what the village urchins called her. She has always had this desire to be independent, to escape the slavery of the life in Royston Vasey. God knows how she got to France. She never ever managed to get further than the parish boundary before. The border patrols would bring her back in, but they never put her in the Special Chair.”

What is the Special Chair?

Grant blanched and looked around nervously. “Nobody knows,” she whispered. “But nobody has ever sat on it and retained control of their faculties.”

There must be a record of her comings and goings.

“You don’t know Auntie Ann,” said Grant. “One look from those porcine eyes and the request to go ballroom dancing is enough to cow the most stubborn stranger into submission. I expect she screeched, ‘want a dance?’ and they thought she wanted to go to France. They wouldn’t know how to handle her, so I expect they just shoved her on the boat with the other weirdos.”

Edward and Tubbs are coordinating the rescue from the Royston Vasey shop. Flocks of pigeons are flying between Strasbourg and The North. They are believed to be tempting her with Ovaltine laced with crack cocaine. “It always works,” reads one of the missives. “You’ll never leave!”

The Special Chair awaits.

GREAT ANTI-BREXIT POLLS BATMAN : The latest YouGov polls giving the pro-EU Libdems a lead over the other English parties, and Nigel’s company which pretends to be a party, are suspected to have triggered a new round of crossparty crisis talks, between the government and official opposition.

“It’s clearly a message to get on and deliver Brexit,” a Random Drone, Tory MP for Kamikaze-on-swans, told LCD Views, “the people are telling us that if we don’t get this purely voluntary political project delivered then they’ll begin voting for clear anti-Brexit parties just to punish us.”

Given that there is no other possible reading to make of the resurgence of a party that was once banished to the fringes, returning strongly, it’s hoped that the elevation of Boris Johnson to Tory leader will see the Libdems tossed back into the wilderness.

”It’s a clear message to elect the strongest Brexit symbol conceivable,” A Random Idiot also said, because he is one.

But the shock poll is liable to cause more than a ripple of concern amongst the ranks of Labour.

The leadership of Len and Milne, speaking through the medium of Corbyn, have so far remained steadfast in denial of reality. There is a cuddly Brexit to be had, so long as people believe in it. Membership of the single market must end, taking freedom of movement with it, because what’s a right of that magnitude worth when you can remove it? Thus increasing our bargaining power with the bosses of large companies. There’s no chance they’ll just move the jobs back into the single market.

”It also tests the loyalty of those devious pro-EU MPs in our ranks. How much can they take? How much before they walk away as a block? We need to know.”

Just how significant the swing away from the two old parties to smaller pro-EU ones has to be, before a strong anti-Brexit, unambiguous message emerges from the Labour leadership, we need to know too. And how bad does it need to get for more pro-EU Tory MPs to cross the floor?

Let’s hope both sides answer the question before mad Boris (assuming he wins over that mad Hunt) makes a crazed power play to crash us out of the EU. It’ll only take a few more MPs walking away to stop him even forming a government…

Nigel ‘No Mates’ Farage has finally revealed the Brexit Party manifesto. It was in plain sight all along: the notorious Breaking Point poster.

The leader of the one-man band that is the BP has resisted all attempts to pin him down on policy. Let’s get into power first, then we will tell you what you voted for. It’s policy making, Brexit style.

But Farage also said he would reveal his manifesto after the EU elections. No manifesto has been forthcoming. “I didn’t say how long after the EU elections,” coughs Farage. “Quite honestly, I don’t see the need. We want to Brexit, and that’s about it. There will be rich pickings for my rich mates, and everybody will be rich. Apart from the poor, who can eat all that lovely freedom and sovereignty.”

That’s a bit rich. We deserve to know what the BP stands for.

“I’ll tell you what we stand for, making a stand, that’s what,” wheezed Farage. “We want to wrest power from the establishment elite and hand it on a plate to the global elite.”

And how do you plan to do that?

“By pointing the finger of blame at the blameless,” Farage spluttered. “Powerless people, foreigners, people who only exist in the minds of the small-minded and fearful middle Englanders. Tell those poor souls that the EU is planning to flood this country with undesirables, and shove an emotive image on a poster. There! That’s our manifesto.”

Unfortunately, it was a pack of lies, wasn’t it?

“I’m a Brexiter,” he responded magnificently, through a cloud of cigar smoke. “We don’t deal in facts!”

Nor in good taste. The poster, of course, appeared at the same time as the murder of Jo Cox, the first high-profile victim of Brexit. Was this mere coincidence, or an attempt to gain maximum publicity? Were the two events carefully coordinated? We will never know.

Is a bad manifesto better than no manifesto? Over to you.

BROAD PUTSCH : “As prime minister, I will govern for all members of the Brexit Party” Tory leadershit hopeful, Boris Johnson, will tell a hall packed with salty, bloody gammon later this afternoon, as he continues his push to become the United Kingdom’s last prime minister.

And the push is looking firmer after the only man capable of appearing occasionally responsible, Rory Stewart, was knocked out of the race.

Why Rory was so disfavoured isn’t entirely clear, as he was still committed to national suicide, via Brexit, and had a habit of attempting to deceive to further his agenda.

Examples being just making up statistics, and getting caught out, and pretending to film himself for social media, while just extending his arm to the person actually filming.

Carefree with facts and deceptive are hallmarks of a modern Conservative prime minister. But knocked out little Rory was, perhaps with some gerrymandering from Boris and chums…walk on Rory, thanks for coming.

Now Boris only has to face Hunt or Gove. The old gang back together again to stab each other in the back one more time.

That’s the expectation anyway, with Sajid Javid being such a vacancy, except for expected sociopathy, that no one thinks he is likely to challenge Boris for the favours of the Brexit Party. Especially so, given the BXP (actually a company) can reasonably be believed to be heaving with racists in its membershit (it only has one member, Nigel Farage).

Boris de Piffle Johnson (American for willy) now has to push himself over the finish line, by appealing to the worst instincts of his party, like Sisyphus on the way to the paternity clinic carrying an unbearable load of samples, after going on a fathering spree.

Boris will govern for someone if he’s successful in getting into Number 10 Downing Street. You can bet your bottom dollar it won’t be you or me, but you better not do that because you’ll need it for food on the black market.

The charismatic void that is Boris Johnson has made his play at last. I might be a bit of a useless fibble fabble, but I’m no Jeremy Corbyn, is his official line.

Johnson sent his representative, a Mr M. T. Chair, to field questions on his behalf.

So this is your big selling point, we asked Mr Chair, that you are not, in fact, the leader of the opposition?

“That’s exactly correct,” confirmed Chair. “I think you will find that twinkle-eyed charm and bawdy tales from the lower sixth common room are a more than adequate substitute for policies, especially as the only policy that matters is Brexit, and the only person delivering Brexit is the Royal Mail, ha ha! Did you know, when I was in Egypt with old Squiffy, I sent a postcard home, and after I got back from my jolly tour of the Med, it still hadn’t arrived? Probably didn’t spell England right, you know, most of the posties these days can’t read, but it showed some old chap on a unicycle by the Pyramids. Good times, what?”

Yes, yes, but what about your comment about Corbyn?

“Oh, Jeremy, you know, he’s a lovely chap, but not up to the job,” Chair replied. “”A bit like old Squiffy, in fact. I was talking about this with Jeremy Cu… ooops, nearly said it, ha ha! He knows Squiffy of course, and we agreed that he’s a complete Bertie Wooster, but we don’t agree on anything else, good God no, no, no, we’re rivals after all!”

And what’s wrong with Corbyn?

“What’s right with him?” argued Chair. “In fact, what’s right and what’s wrong? Does it matter? What matters is that he is kept out of Number Ten, so that Squiffy and all my chums can have five more years in the gravy boat.”

You mean gravy train?

“No, it’s been sold off,” said Chair. “It’s boats all the way now!”

It’s official. Tory Party (or at least Boris Party) policy is ‘Yeah, but Corbyn’.

NONE OF THE ABOVE : Polling by SomeoneGuv released today has revealed that an empty chair now tops the polling as the preferred next prime minister of the United Kingdom.

“The previous frontrunner, Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, thought he was playing a canny game by hiding from everyone in the country as much as possible, but it seems the strategy has now become too much of a good thing. People are beginning to like the idea of his absence. So it’s not really a shock that an empty chair, the symbol of his absence, should seize the opportunity with relish.”

What relish isn’t exactly clear, but it’s believed Branston Pickle is the most likely relish the chair has taken hold of.

“How Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson will respond to suddenly finding himself a distant second to an empty chair is not yet clear, but it’s believed he may risk sitting on it.”

That in itself is seen as a high risk move, surely?

“Indeed. The moment he sits on the chair people will be reminded why they favour it so empty. Especially when you consider the calm, sturdy nature of a solid piece of furniture and its inability to talk an endless steam of bollocks.”

It seems now that the chair has captured the public imagination there is little to stop it opening up a lead so commanding the other contenders to be prime minister may as well give up and start asking for a job in cabinet.

“Four legs, a back, prepared to support people without reference to race, gender or sexual orientation? Able to change direction when required by circumstance, but otherwise consistent in where it faces, what isn’t to like about an empty chair in preference to that bumbling blonde catastrophe Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson?”

GLOBAL BRITONS! GET YOUR MAPS OUT AND YOUR MARKER PENS BECAUSE HONG KONG DOES NOT EXIST ANYMORE.

10 Downing Street has reacted swiftly today to the news that a series of protest marches involving over one million people in Hong Kong has led to the executive changing its mind.

The reversal concerns a law that would have changed Hong Kong’s relationship with its nearest neighbour (actually China), but also the rest of the world, given the unique circumstances of Hong Kong.

https://asia.nikkei.com/Spotlight/Hong-Kong-protests/Hong-Kong-government-suspends-extradition-bill

“We have lately been receiving queries regarding a non-existent country’s decision to halt the progress of a bill concerning changes to the extradition law in Hong Kong, whereby people accused of crimes in China could be much more easily whisked away to whatever fate awaits them,

“This abrupt change in direction by the chief executive of Hong Kong, which does not exist, as a result of mass protests by the citizens and concerns over threats to its democracy has no application in Mighty Britannia. The non-existent country concerned does not exist. So let’s have no more talk about it. Our country is united behind the result of our rigorously conceived and administered plebiscite in 2016 and all now want the result, whatever it was, delivered. This government is not for turning. If a democracy can change its mind then it ceases to be a democracy. That’s it. That’s how democracy works. New information. Large protests by frustrated citizens concerned that their elected representatives are making incredibly stupid decisions, that has no application in the United Kingdom. We invented democracy so we can damn well do what we want with it. So there.”

But while the stance from our country’s seat of power is adamant that the territory concerned, Hong Kong, does not exist, behind closed doors there are whispers that this is not true and we should consider if we also need to pause and think?

“John Humphry’s could give them classes on how to handle no good layabouts on the streets,” an insider told LCD Views, “Rory Stewart could assist as John’s TA. He could tell the people of Hong Kong that you just make up the reassurances you want to support whatever dangerous change to the territory’s status is proposed. This could be done with a series of slides while John shouts BUT LAM HAS DECIDED. It’s pretty straightforward. They’re a small place. It’s no surprise they’ve gotten confused. The mother of parliaments should help out.”

It’s believed cross party talks have now started in secret on how to handle the matter, in case too many people in the UK start not only believing that Hong Kong does still exist, but that also we should heed their way of dealing with multiple protests of concerned citizens.

“Labour aren’t confirming they are talking to Downing Street about how to help out with this, but I have heard that if they are, they are insistent that all options for Carrie Lam remain on the table.”

We at LCD Views say good luck to the people of Hong Kong! Even though you don’t exist! And hope our own executive can learn non-existent lessons from your non-existent existence. Thank you.

The survival of the thickest competition, otherwise known as the Tory leadership contest, has claimed its first victims. Thick as mince, but clearly not thick enough, three candidates have passed their sell-by date.

The first of the three is minced turkey voting for Christmas, Esther McVey. If Theresa May was the embodiment of the hostile environment, then McVey was its pretty face. Her latest attempt at being truly thick came when she failed to learn the backstory for an airheaded tale about an airport built using the aid budget. Where was it? A continent somewhere… abroad… somewhere foreign, anyway, why let facts cloud a good bit of charity bashing?

Then there is mutton dressed as lamb mince, Andrea Leadsom. Leadsom is like a pale caricature of May, but without the charisma. Not even the fact that she had dropped sprogs could preserve her from the lamb chop this time.

Finally, sucking it up, extra strong mince, Mark Harper. Out of place on the meat shelves, like Mother Superior at a wife-swapping party, Harper is so anonymous his own family doesn’t know who he is. He is clearly the most acceptable of the ten, so therefore not nearly thick enough to continue. An immediate sweet return to the backbench confectionery aisle.

But who will be the shortest of the two short planks? Who will be the thickest of the thieves? Separating the sheep from the goats is LCD Views’ Thy Kingdom Come correspondent, Wilby Dunn.

“Clearly, they are all sheep,” said Dunn, literally. “The sheep are on the right, and inherit the kingdom of Brexit. The goats are on the left, and are ignored for ever and ever, amen.”

Dunn paused on this metaphor, wondering who the shepherd of all these brainless sheep could be. “A Jesus figure? A flawless, benevolent lord? You must be kidding!” laughed Dunn. “We are looking at an antichrist, a puppet-master pulling Pinocchio’s strings behind the curtain. Not Farage, not Trump, not even Murdoch. So I cast my mind to the mysterious East, to Moscow maybe, and to… ouch… I don’t feel too good… eurggghhhh…”

And he dropped down dead from Novichok poisoning.

The plot thickens.

MAGIC MONEY : The CONservative leadership process is due to last till late July, but even now the contenders for the job of replacing Theresa May are having to consider their first job as party leader.

“Euros or Sterling?” our political analyst muses, “It’s tricky. You’d assume the new Tory leader would expect to pay the DUP in pounds to form a government, but with the decline in Sterling, maybe Euros would be smarter?”

But don’t they have to go and see the Queen to request permission to form a government? Ms Foster isn’t the monarch, at least, not officially.

“But before they go to see the Queen they have to have the numbers to form a working majority. They have to be able to assure the Queen they can govern in her name. Not that the Queen probably wants any of these prats to do that! Whoever succeeds in the survival of the thickest to takeover from May will have to talk to the DUP first, or they won’t have the numbers to even pretend to govern.”

Even with the DUP’s help they’ll only have a majority of about five?

“Maybe not even that, if some of the Tory MPs who have said they’ll quit if Boris becomes PM make good on the threat.”

So it’s pointless to talk to Foster, if the Tory MPs in question stick to their convictions.

“Excuse me? What was that last bit?”

Oh! Silly me. Okay. So Foster first and then Her Maj.

But couldn’t they attempt to govern as a minority? How likely do you think that is?

“Snowflake’s chance in hell?”

Less?

“So this all looks pretty ridiculous. A big waste of time. We’ll have to have a GE. The new Tory leader may not be able to win the confidence of the house, so there will have to be a general election. They may not be able to negotiate with the DUP even. Foster may decide it’s time to cut the Tories loose before the remain backlash in Northern Ireland becomes insurmountable.”

What a state democracy in the UK is in!

“Total state of denial,” our analyst says, “and I’m not talking about a river in Africa! We all thought May was on a suicide mission, but she was just fuelling up the plane.”