Category: Democracy

While it was always clear from the outset that Alexander Boris De Pfeffel Johnson (because fuck it just look at him) was going to win the Conservative party leadership contest after Theresa May resigned as PM, it was never more obvious than when it was down to the final two candidates, himself and Jeremy Hunt.

A survey of party members has revealed what the rest of the country knew instinctively anyway. You just couldn’t have a prime minister called Hunt.

Two thirds of the party voted in favour of Johnson, the figures were revealed yesterday. That, Brexiteers, is a real majority.

A quick survey of those who voted for Johnson revealed the reasons. One of the younger voters, 49-year-old Hugh Knowitt, explained:

“Even though I like his politics, you just can’t have a PM called Hunt in this day and age. We don’t want to make it too easy for the general public to extract humour from him.”

Granted, the word they are thinking of does apply to Johnson (and most Tory MPs) as well, he does not have to put up with people using it in place of his actual surname name on a daily basis.

However it wasn’t just Hunt’s surname that caused so many people to vote for Johnson. Imogen “Immy” Grant-Hayter, 63, had another reason:

“No way I could vote for Jeremy as PM – I saw the ballot form and all I could think was Corbyn, so of course I voted for Boris.”

A natural enough reflex from a tory member I suppose.

So in the end it all came down to the candidates’ names. As a result we now have a prime minister called Alexander Balderdash And Piffle Johnson. And there’s nothing silly about that, oh no.

The identity of Britain’s next Prime Minister will be known very soon. One of the UK’s major political parties is holding a leadership election. So is the Conservative Party.

Democracy means democracy, say the Liberal Democrats. Do you want strong and stable government with us, or a coalition of chaos with Boris Johnson?

LD insider Midler Theroad gave us a peek behind the scenes.

“The other parties tried to bury us under the car park of populism,” said Theroad. “But you can’t keep us hidden for ever! Keep digging that hole, and you will find the answer. And here we are! Return to conspicuousness, and prepare for government!”

Liberalism may have been buried, and reduced to the status of legend, but it is back and ready to rule again. “With a new slogan!” announced Theroad. “Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with EU!”

The Stealer’s Wheel folk-pop ditty is going to be everywhere this summer. Some modern act like One Direction will re-record it with the updated lyrics. Gerry Rafferty will be turning in his grave.

Win or lose, will the Lib Dems require the support of the other parties? “A coalition, you mean?” said Theroad. “We aren’t getting in bed with the Tories again, not after getting the clap last time, and Labour wouldn’t even entertain the idea back in 2010. So both will have to work with us, but we will be in charge. And anyone who mentions Brexit will be banished to the back benches!”

Jeremy Corbyn is believed to be forming a Labour government in exile in Islington (South Allotments). And Boris Johnson is gathering faithful Tories to his Real Conservative Party, which meets on an exclusive London dining club, 24 hours a day, every day.

There is a vacuum in the centre of British politics. And, as everyone knows, nature abhors a vacuum.

MARVELLING AT HIS DEEDS : ‘The Red Herring’, by Anti-Intellectual Arguments productions, is set to premiere next week across the UK, telling the story of a normal lying politician and his fight to gain absolute power, and destroy reality.

“It’s going to do wonders for popcorn sales in the UK and across the Channel,” our film critics guesses wildly, “you can guarantee from the moment this tragic-comic caper of a bungling, fluffy haired toff, transformed into a super villain by a non-refrigerated kipper, hits the screens it’ll be bums on seats. Strap yourself in and be prepared to scream. Mostly in frustration.”

But it’s not just the story of The Red Herring, it’s also about his friends.

The former reality TV star transformed into a Defence Secretary, now battling Iran, with everyone baffled why they’re picking on her when Brexit is enough to contend with.

The Slippery Toad, a little boy called Gove, taken into the tower of a crazed, meglomaniac, newsprint emperor and sent back out to destroy the world. But he may just be the only hope everyone has of stopping The Red Herring before it’s too late.

Little Liam, who just wants to do a deal with someone, but can’t seem to find the words to make it happen if he can’t find his friend behind the curtain.

“There’s too many characters for one film really,” our critic muses, “they should all have their own disaster movie. Maybe this is just the start of a franchise of feature films? They all spin off from reality and carve their own destiny on the dreams of ordinary people?”

Who knows what thrills lie in store? There will definitely be lying in store, of that there is no doubt as this slippery customer lands on the banks of the Thames and seeks to stop his legacy from swimming with the fishes.

BREXIT WILL EAT BORIS JOHNSON WHOLE AND SHIT HIM OUT IN DRY PIECES : Democracy in the U.K. is in intensive care at the moment, but it’s not dead and may not even be in total coma.

The encouraging news comes after the House of Commons passed a key Lords amendment to a NI bill earlier, making Boris Johnson’s suspected plan to go rogue and prorogue parliament (to force through a No Deal Brexit) much, much harder.

https://www.politics.co.uk/blogs/2019/07/18/first-blood-parliament-blocks-boris-johnson-s-plan-to-sideli

“Even the usual Lexit Labour rebels, who should probably piss off and join the Tories, couldn’t save the next prime minister’s skin this time,” our Westminster watcher reports, “this is because there were so many Tory ones starting to freak about how much batshit insanity is going to be attached to their legacy.”

(*image courtesy of Jim Pickard’s Twitter feed @PickardJE)

But of course the real winner from today’s votes in the House of Commons is Brexit. We decided to talk to Brexit to see how it is feeling.

”I’m speeding up my work,” Brexit told us, busy with the length of rusting steel cable it uses as dental floss, “here, hang on, Theresa May’s thigh bone is stuck between my molars. Give’s a sec.”

We waited while Brexit scraped the brittle bone from between its fangs. We waited longer still while it first inspected the wreckage of the outgoing prime minister and then slowly ground down the bone.

”I’m so keen to devour my third Tory prime minister in a row that I’ve started on Boris Johnson before he’s even prime minister. He’s already charred his buttocks with his endless pants fires for me. I’m going to splash on some Tabasco and get stuck in for dinner.”

In a world where liars are ruling too many domains and the U.K. looks set to have its only Trump style evil clown installed as prime minister, it’s encouraging to know that Brexit, helped by some MPs, is wetting it lips and waiting for breakfast.

Professional gobshite Nigel Farage has condemned the election of Ursula von der Leyen as EU Commission President. He thinks that gaining the support of 52% of the electorate is insufficient.

“52% of the vote isn’t enough to elect the captain of a minor golf club!” seethed the mouthy mudslinger. “This vote has no legitimacy whatsoever!”

Translation: I don’t like this result.

Conversely, what about Brexit? After all, 52% of the electorate chose it. “The People voted for this!” said the jocular jackass on many, many occasions. “This is a mandate for the hardest Brexit imaginable, so hard it can cut diamonds. Anything else is a betrayal of democracy!”

Translation: I like this result.

“Do the maths!” thundered the self-appointed upholder of whatever form of democracy suits his own ends. “Von der Leyen only won by 9 votes. Brexit won by over a million votes. It’s a huge difference!”

So we did the maths. If you include the entire electorate in both cases, von der Leyen received 52% of the vote, including abstentions. On the same basis, Brexit received 37%. Even Numerate Nigel can’t argue that 37% has more legitimacy than 52%.

“You are twisting the facts to suit your narrative!” squealed the pompous populist. “That’s my job, not yours! You so-called experts, countering my blithering bluster with reasoned argument! It’s simply not on. The fact remains that Brexit is perfectly legitimate and von der Leyen is not!”

Translation: You shot down my argument in flames, so I’m just going to repeat what I want you to hear over and over until you give up.

It’s very strange, for someone so concerned with the legitimacy of a democratic vote, that Farage has been silent about the underhand methods used to manipulate the British electorate in the run up to the referendum. He has said nothing about data mining, dark money, undeclared donations or foreign interference, yet he gets very upset over a fair and transparent election.

Translation: You lost. Get over it!

NO CURE FOR VERBAL DIARROEAH : EXCITING NEWS for do it yourself medicine today with the launch of Amazon’s GP service during last night’s Tory leadership debate.

No fewer than fifty two people were believed to have sat through the entire debate between Boris Johnson and Jeremy Hunt, as they sought to win the votes of 0.25% of the population.

“No need to ask Alexa about symptoms,” our political analyst said, “our democracy is in great shape. Well, if you wanted to contract creeping fascism. If not? Don’t ask Alexa to help you. You’ll have to help yourself.”

But while our man maybe sanguine about the country’s political health (he’s fired), many who saw the two men fighting for the keys to Downing Street felt a chill.

“Alexa, how do you get someone’s head out of their backside?” – was one of the top queries made of the new NHS/Amazon tie up, during the televised display of nonsense.

“Alexa : What’s the cure for Brexit?” – was another, but it was only asked by people who want to eat food this winter, so it doesn’t matter.

“Alexa : how do I position myself to cash in on a crash in the value of Sterling? I’ll feel sick if I don’t profiteer off the disaster capitalism currently reducing the UK to a babbling idiot in a darkening corner of the globe.” – this featured also.

But by far the most common question was,

“Alexa : I’m developing a sudden migraine. What should I do?”

To which the reply was to turn off the television, or at the very least change the channel.

Advice the entirety of parliament could do with following. We’ve watched Brexit long enough and it’s made the overwhelming majority feel sick.

CHANGE OF MIND : The Conservative Party has responded today to news that thousands of their members were given multiple ballot papers for the Tory leadership coronation of Boris Johnson.

Speaking to Marred (terminally) on the BBC this morning, Tory Party Chairman, Lord Offshore, explained the unique voting system.

“It’s a stitch up,” he shrugged, “I mean if it looks like a duck, if it walks like a duck and if it rambles incoherently in Etonian, it’s a duck.”

He also said, when pushed by more polite, deferential, leading questions from the interviewer, that just because the result of the vote has been pre-ordained, doesn’t make it illegitimate, if you say it is legitimate.

“Some members can afford more than one ballot paper, so they have been supplied with more,” he shrugged, “anyway, we’ve lost all ability to not rig a vote, since endorsing the criminally procured mandate to enrich a few of us in mid 2016.”

But the multiple ballots have caused a crunch in supply of bananas in the supermarkets.

“We have to get the voting paper from the right source. Banana skin is the best for this kind of thing. But let no one claim the abandoning of all pretence to defending rule of law means the UK is now a banana republic. It remains a monarchy. We just have to decide what kind of fruit monarchy it is. I suggest a proper, traditional, homegrown, indigenous British fruit, such as the pineapple.”

And in case anyone was still unconvinced by the conduct of the leadership vote, Lord Offshore offered further reassurance.

“Some members may decide to change their mind after they vote. Say, if new information comes out. One of the contenders may offer an even greater unaffordable tax giveaway. Or perhaps a promise to end universal suffrage and means test it instead. If that causes a member to change their mind, then they have that ability. It’s how a democracy succeeds.”

To underline this he added :

“If a democracy can’t change its mind, it ceases to be a democracy.”

Who will you vote for? Remember to do it twice.

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/how-to-rig-an-election/id1458750622?i=1000437000623

• the inclusion of the podcast is not intended to suggest the Tory leadership election is corrupt. I’m sure they’ll have a full and proper inquiry into what went wrong, just like with the corruption in the EU referendum of 2016, and then act according to defend our democracy and ensure it is beyond reproach…But the screw up with voting papers brought the podcast to mind.

The local management of the local retirement village in Royston Vasey has confirmed that one of their inmates is on the run. In better news, a worryingly progressive youngster has notified the management that the inmate has been spotted, via social media, in Strasbourg.

Social media and Royston Vasey go together like Brexit and reality. Therefore, the news filtered in via a rogue niece of Tubbs, who escaped to, well, somewhere not local. She sent an image by carrier pigeon, with a note asking if Auntie Ann had got out again.

LCD Views’ Wing And A Prayer correspondent saw the reply, which merely said that Auntie Ann would be “made to sit in The Special Chair” when she returned.

Tubbs’ Niece, Emmy Grant, takes up the story. “Auntie Ann was always a character,” she explains. “She never married, because, she says, a man once looked at her funny-like. But the real reason is that she herself is played by a man, of course.”

Why the desire to escape?

“It is in her blood,” says Grant. “Wandering Widdy was what the village urchins called her. She has always had this desire to be independent, to escape the slavery of the life in Royston Vasey. God knows how she got to France. She never ever managed to get further than the parish boundary before. The border patrols would bring her back in, but they never put her in the Special Chair.”

What is the Special Chair?

Grant blanched and looked around nervously. “Nobody knows,” she whispered. “But nobody has ever sat on it and retained control of their faculties.”

There must be a record of her comings and goings.

“You don’t know Auntie Ann,” said Grant. “One look from those porcine eyes and the request to go ballroom dancing is enough to cow the most stubborn stranger into submission. I expect she screeched, ‘want a dance?’ and they thought she wanted to go to France. They wouldn’t know how to handle her, so I expect they just shoved her on the boat with the other weirdos.”

Edward and Tubbs are coordinating the rescue from the Royston Vasey shop. Flocks of pigeons are flying between Strasbourg and The North. They are believed to be tempting her with Ovaltine laced with crack cocaine. “It always works,” reads one of the missives. “You’ll never leave!”

The Special Chair awaits.

GREAT ANTI-BREXIT POLLS BATMAN : The latest YouGov polls giving the pro-EU Libdems a lead over the other English parties, and Nigel’s company which pretends to be a party, are suspected to have triggered a new round of crossparty crisis talks, between the government and official opposition.

“It’s clearly a message to get on and deliver Brexit,” a Random Drone, Tory MP for Kamikaze-on-swans, told LCD Views, “the people are telling us that if we don’t get this purely voluntary political project delivered then they’ll begin voting for clear anti-Brexit parties just to punish us.”

Given that there is no other possible reading to make of the resurgence of a party that was once banished to the fringes, returning strongly, it’s hoped that the elevation of Boris Johnson to Tory leader will see the Libdems tossed back into the wilderness.

”It’s a clear message to elect the strongest Brexit symbol conceivable,” A Random Idiot also said, because he is one.

But the shock poll is liable to cause more than a ripple of concern amongst the ranks of Labour.

The leadership of Len and Milne, speaking through the medium of Corbyn, have so far remained steadfast in denial of reality. There is a cuddly Brexit to be had, so long as people believe in it. Membership of the single market must end, taking freedom of movement with it, because what’s a right of that magnitude worth when you can remove it? Thus increasing our bargaining power with the bosses of large companies. There’s no chance they’ll just move the jobs back into the single market.

”It also tests the loyalty of those devious pro-EU MPs in our ranks. How much can they take? How much before they walk away as a block? We need to know.”

Just how significant the swing away from the two old parties to smaller pro-EU ones has to be, before a strong anti-Brexit, unambiguous message emerges from the Labour leadership, we need to know too. And how bad does it need to get for more pro-EU Tory MPs to cross the floor?

Let’s hope both sides answer the question before mad Boris (assuming he wins over that mad Hunt) makes a crazed power play to crash us out of the EU. It’ll only take a few more MPs walking away to stop him even forming a government…

Nigel ‘No Mates’ Farage has finally revealed the Brexit Party manifesto. It was in plain sight all along: the notorious Breaking Point poster.

The leader of the one-man band that is the BP has resisted all attempts to pin him down on policy. Let’s get into power first, then we will tell you what you voted for. It’s policy making, Brexit style.

But Farage also said he would reveal his manifesto after the EU elections. No manifesto has been forthcoming. “I didn’t say how long after the EU elections,” coughs Farage. “Quite honestly, I don’t see the need. We want to Brexit, and that’s about it. There will be rich pickings for my rich mates, and everybody will be rich. Apart from the poor, who can eat all that lovely freedom and sovereignty.”

That’s a bit rich. We deserve to know what the BP stands for.

“I’ll tell you what we stand for, making a stand, that’s what,” wheezed Farage. “We want to wrest power from the establishment elite and hand it on a plate to the global elite.”

And how do you plan to do that?

“By pointing the finger of blame at the blameless,” Farage spluttered. “Powerless people, foreigners, people who only exist in the minds of the small-minded and fearful middle Englanders. Tell those poor souls that the EU is planning to flood this country with undesirables, and shove an emotive image on a poster. There! That’s our manifesto.”

Unfortunately, it was a pack of lies, wasn’t it?

“I’m a Brexiter,” he responded magnificently, through a cloud of cigar smoke. “We don’t deal in facts!”

Nor in good taste. The poster, of course, appeared at the same time as the murder of Jo Cox, the first high-profile victim of Brexit. Was this mere coincidence, or an attempt to gain maximum publicity? Were the two events carefully coordinated? We will never know.

Is a bad manifesto better than no manifesto? Over to you.