Category: Democracy

READ IT AND WEEP : The government is feeling free to do what it likes today after the successful closing of the House of Commons and the Lords, having pulled a Pro-ROGUE move on parliament to buy themselves five weeks.

“We’re winning now,” Frederick Fossil, Tory MP for Somewhere, told LCD Views, “now that the game is suspended. I knew as soon as that short Cummings chap phoned me up yesterday to order me to give a speech about the will of the people just before midnight that I was winning too. He’s promised me a job in DExEU. I’m not sure when it starts. It was a bit of a relief between you and me, I expected to be blackmailed into giving a speech instead.”

And the prorogation of parliament comes at just the right time for the Johnson administration.

“We’ve only had a few days of parliament and between you and me, we’ve had our asses handed to us. No one saw it coming! We’re led by strategic geniuses. Imagine being behind the Leave campaigns, under scrutiny by police, in contempt of parliament, but finding yourself running it? That is a mastermind at work. Safe as houses. Well, not the democratic houses.”

But critics of the extraordinary length of the prorogation has suggested that the Cumming’s government hasn’t gone far enough.

“They should have made the length of time arbitrary. Like back in Charles 1st’s time. Call the duffers back when you feel like, but only if they’ll give you what you want,” our political strategist said, “still, not much chance anything constructive will get done over the next month or so. Grieve, Clarke, Hammond, Starmer, Benn, Lucas, Swinson, Sturgeon, Lee and others will presumably use it for a nap. You know, recover from all the near misses of the last week. Build up their strength for facing a renewed prime minister just before Halloween.”

They must be packing themselves. Which is exactly why the executive chose to close down the house of elected representatives.

Expect the Boris Johnson scoresheet to continue as it’s begun, once the prorogation is over…

BAD BOY WITH HIS FINGERS IN HIS EARS : The UK’s least successful prime minister, Boris deSpaffle Johnson, has successfully dealt with a noisy and dissenting people’s parliament by shutting them it up.

In a show of executive strength Mr Johnson frowned, brayed, muttered and almost slept as he sat through the cheerful, ceremonial rigamarole required to send 650 MPs home on full pay.

“They can now focus on constituency work,” Tricky Nicki MP said, “and let us get on with the job of running the country. By the way, if you don’t like these principles, I have others?”

The move to shut up the representatives of the people is a smart one. They kept defeating Mr Johnson in the Commons. He can’t wield executive power if people see what a useless sod he is. Best to find a way to stop losing then.

Additionally, it can arguably be said to have only cost Mr Johnson whatever remaining shreds of credibility he had with people paying no attention to him whatsoever, his governing majority and his ability to force the general election he both claims to want and not want.

It is also very useful for signalling to the wider voting public what sort of government Mr Johnson wishes to run. What was really meant by that crafty Brexit slogan ‘Take Back Control [and give it to one man and his offshore billionaire backers?]’?

But how will Mr Johnson use the five weeks he now has?

“He’ll be attempting to find a way to re-open parliament,” Tricky Nicki shrugged, “now that he can’t get what he wants without it.”

In the interim Mr Johnson’s opponents will presumably use the time to coordinate and strategise how to defeat and unseat him?

A cross party effort that the long summer recess made possible and presumably (time to talk) contributed heavily to the thrashing received by the government over the last week.

“We’re strategic geniuses,” Tricky Nicki added, “our first assault on parliamentary sovereignty lost us credibility and 22 MPs. You just see what fresh hell we invent for ourselves over the next five weeks.”

NOTHING TO SEE HERE MOVE ALONG : The Government of the United Kingston is closing the people’s parliament for five weeks from tonight in order to safeguard representative democracy.

“It will also give those undemocratic, unelected busybodies in the E.U. something to chew over,” a Downing Street source commented, “they want to see how we do democracy? Well, we will show them how. But not doing it.”

It’s unclear how MPs will be expected to spend the bonus five weeks of additional leave from Westminster, but many expect Tory MPs to spend the time drafting resignation letters.

“To be honest and to be absolutely clear,” the source continued, “MPs need time to recover after the treatment dished out to them by Boris Johnson and unelected head of state Dominic Cummings last week. Some of them nearly asphyxiated from laughing when Philip Lee crossed the floor.”

But the government will not be idle in the bonus time.

“Total campaign mode. Day in and day out of Bojo feeling the love of his people. We’re having a general election just as soon as we reopen parliament and they let us. We’re going to spend millions before the caps kick in. Social media companies will love it. Go long in them right now, it’s boom times.”

The move is a complete surprise to some though. Proroguing parliament for this extraordinary length does deprive the PM of facing opposition leaders at PMQ’s and he won’t be able to face select committee either.

“That’s not all bad. It’ll save the MPs on the select committees from being embarrassed by Mr Johnson’s commitment to hard work and detail.”

Representative democracy. Someone does it. Just not here and not now.

IS IT SECRET IS IT SAFE : Those crafty devils who masterminded the 2016 IN/OUT referendum are way ahead of the pack again, it seems, after a move by the BORG (cross party parliament grouping of Pro-Brexit MPs) to ensure that the next general election is only advisory.

“What’s your favourite song?” leading Borg member. Mr Nostalgia (Tory MP for Fantasy), asked us, “mine is the lyrics of wrecking ball to the tune of Rule Britannia.”

The move to ensure that the general election, which all know is just around the corner, even if we aren’t sure which corner, is only advisory is clever.

“It will allow all the same genius dark arts that achieved an overwhelming mandate in the 2016 advisory referendum. You know, dodgy funding sources obscured by use of tax havens.”

Micro-targeting of voters on social media?

“Crucial. It’s the digital equivalent of standing outside a polling booth and dragging voters in to demand they tick the box next to your candidate. I hope no one makes it illegal. Not that rule of law matters overly much anymore.”

But if you’re confident of victory why push to change the general election to advisory, rather than binding?

“Well, what if we win a binding vote, but the courts subsequently are shown evidence of massive breaches of electoral laws?”

If the vote is binding it will carry safeguards which compel the courts to quash the result and order the vote re-run?

“Precisely. Only a novice politician fronting for offshore billionaires would fall for that! So it has to be an advisory result, we will sneak over the line with electoral breaches, make the result binding politically and propagandise the hell out of the voting public till no one knows which way is up or down. We call it giving them the Raab’s.”

But what if you win? Won’t it being advisory be a problem?

“No. Then the result is of course binding. Any fool knows that, because that’s what we’ll tell them day and night. We call making votes advisory to get away with crime politically our democratic backstop. We win either way. But only if the vote can’t legally be made to go away.”

MAKING A TITANIC SUCCESS OF PREMIERSHIP : Do you ever get that sinking feeling when you look in the mirror? That’s the question the UK’s Prime Minister is reported to have asked the woman he left his wife and children for this morning.

The search and rescue feelings operation is rumoured to have been triggered after an actual search and rescue team threw up their hands and called it off.

“They were looking for Boris Johnson’s popular appeal,” our Westminster insider confirms, “it’s so famous it is apparently visible from space, but no one has seen it for some time.”

It’s believed the unsinkable aspect of Mr Johnson’s character (using that term purely in the theatrical sense) first came into contact with reality when it ran aground a shallow reef called “Prorogue Rocks”.

“It then became further imperilled as the tidal chant of ‘Stop the Coup!’ began to rise, even as Mr Johnson attempted to lift it off the rocks.”

It’s believed he abandoned ship and scuttled to safety as the bows filled with churning waters and the ship began to list heavily, tearing open its hull across the jagged rocks as it did so.”

A decision to undertake a new rescue is being considered, but this is seen as the highly risky GE strategy, which could lead to complete and total loss for many.

“He’s got a rescue dog, believing it would help,” the insider added, “but it’s only good at sniffing out bullshit, so it’s just sat at Mr Johnson’s feet holding its nose.”

No memorial statue is planned.

IT’S GOVERNMENT JIM, BUT NOT AS WE KNOW IT : Prime Minister of a shrinking island off the coast of Europe, Boris Johnson, has been applauded today for uniting the country.

“Not even Theresa May managed this feeling of unity,” a Boris Johnson watcher noted, “and people loathed her. Boris really does have that special touch his backers rave on about.”

The touch itself is believed to be similar to bring manhandled by a living personification of norovirus, while it attempts a snog.

“Have you seen the news?” the watcher asked, “well not the BBC, as that’s no longer news. But Channel 4 and Twitter? All over the country in large cities and towns Boris has brought people out onto the streets.”

The trigger to the spontaneous events appears to be the Johnson government’s contempt for parliament. Also, having that crafty old devil, Jacob Reeks-smogg, allegedly lie to the Queen’s face.

“That takes some balls,” the watcher sees clearly, “but then Brexit and it’s proponents have trashed ever other institution, so why not the monarchy? Full house!”

And it is expected that the impromptu marches caused by Johnson as PM may only just be getting into gear.

“It will be quite something if parliament manages to get its act together this week and actually make No Deal Brexit illegal, and then if Boris and chums ignore it.”

How will the eager and watchful public respond to the end of their parliamentary democracy? Boris and friends may just like that hornet’s nest with a stick and find out.

And in other, related news, the PR consultant that advised Ed Milliband to eat a bacon sandwich back in 2015 has been charged with treason…

CUMMINGS AND GOINGS : The Chairman of the Conservative Party governing 1922 committee has confirmed that 48 letters of no confidence have been received in unelected, undemocratic prime minister Dominic Cummings.

“We’ll have to change the rules,” an aide to the powerful committee told LCD Views, “and if we can’t do that, then we’ll have to ignore them.”

Ignoring the rules is believed to be the backstop position for the Conservative Party whose current guiding mantra is, if you can’t win playing by the rules, then cheat. Jacob Rees-mogg is understood to be currently working on the Latin translation so as to update the party logo.

“We could have another leadership election right now. Andrew Bridgen is ready to be PM. Or Mark Francois. Andrea Jenkyns maybe?” the source mused, “but I fear it would just create the kind of chaos only an Ed Milliband government could create. So we don’t want that. Other front runners, such as Raab and Barclay, are thought to be too busy staring at socks marked “l” and “r” respectively. Once they solve that brain teaser they’ll be ready for promotion.”

Quite how the general public will take the news that a leadership contest should now be held to replace the unelected, undemocratic prime minister, but won’t, wasn’t under consideration.

“Who gives a flying fig about them?” the source looked shocked, “this is all about making money on the exchange markets and getting out of that EU before the new anti-tax dodging directives kick in.”

What Matt Hancock would make of this development was unquoted. After all, he recently invoked the war dead to underscore he wouldn’t support a government that prorogued parliament to deliver Brexit. And where is he now?

“I can think of one way the country’s leadership could immediately be improved,” our political analyst chipped in, “Dominic Cummings having his mobile phones confiscated before being led out of Downing Street by the police.”

Amen.

GRAB THAT PARLIAMENTARY TIGER BY ITS TALE : Temporary Prime Minister of the United Kingdom and Northern Ireland, Boris Johnson, is expected to be preparing a major speech to give to parliament.

“It’s important to get it just right (wing),” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “it’s about the importance of returning sovereignty to parliament.”

To the “mother of parliaments” no less.

“And in order for maximum impact it’s vital that parliament be closed when he’s addressing it concerning parliamentary sovereignty.”

The need for an empty chamber is obvious.

“It’s about taking back control of parliament and the associated representative democracy. For centuries inherited wealth has watched the rabble claw away at their god given birthright (wing). Thanks to Brexit this process is now in reverse. It’s pretty hilarious so many plebs voted for it. It just proves they’re not fit to rule themselves. This is why they are now being ruled by Boris Johnson (and friends).”

The speech itself, expected to be “barnstorming” (the barn will be empty at the time) will be broadcast only on analogue radio.

“Boris wants it to feel properly Churchillian. He’s going to get on a proper drunk before he gives it.”

And who is helping write the speech?

“Dominic Cummings is helping write the speech. Actually he is writing all the speech. You don’t spend millions data mining the people not to come up with a catalogue of emotive slogans and not use them in a major speech. That would just be silly.”

But won’t it seem a tad hypocritical to claim to be defending democracy and parliament’s sovereignty, when he’s gone and closed parliament?

“I don’t think anyone will worry about that. I suggest you focus on the ‘take back control’ slogan. It will never get old.”

LINE OF SUCKESSION : A Downing Street source has moved swiftly to quell concerns over the abrupt firing, and replacement, of Queen Elizabeth II as head of state.

“This is perfectly normal for a change of government,” the Downing Street source soothed, “the Queen was advised by the Privy council that it was time for her to stand aside for a more ‘now’ and ‘cleverer’ and ‘massive brained’ head of state and she did so.”

But controversy has already engulfed the smooth handover of power as there has been no official coronation of the new ruler of the United Kingdom.

“Oh, there’s been a coronation alright,” the source said, “it begun on the 23rd June 2016, it continued with contempt of parliament, it stepped up a gear with alleged political interference into the police investigations into criminality in the Leave campaigns and it concluded with the pretend election of Boris Johnson to leader of the Tory/BXP party.”

There was a further note to this end.

“Anyone who doesn’t agree with the change of sovereign has been warned they face de-selection, if necessary of their citizenship.”

Other changes will be following now the revolution is public knowledge.

“Boris Johnson will now be known as the first puppet, blonde malfoy, or whatever you like. He’s served his purpose.”

And will Dominic Cummings be known as the Queen?

“No. He will be called the Middle Finger, as that’s what he gives to parliamentary democracy, but he’ll still be wearing the fancy, gold hats.”

VOTE FOR TRUTH AT THE POLLING BOOTH : BRENDA FROM BRISTOL has reportedly spoken today to say that she is ready to vote again.

The elector in question hit the headlines, and then achieved immortality as a meme expressing popular sentiment, a few years back when hearing she was expected to vote AGAIN.

But in spite of already having gone to the polling booth for local and European elections this year, it seems Brenda is not now suffering from her famous democratic fatigue.

“Looking at the complete and utter shambles playing out down in London and not wanting to vote, to shake it all about, would be just weird,” Brenda is said to have told reporters from the pavement, “let me into that booth! I want to knock all their heads together, even if I’m not completely confident of knocking sense into them.”

And it seems Brenda is not alone in wanting a general election.

“Up and down the country people are watching the old Eton gang, with their billionaire backers, take hold of the levers of power and wrench them out of the machinery of state,” our polling expert says, “and they’d rather like a say about how things are going before it’s too late.”

What the country will do when it gets the chance isn’t yet clear. Imaginary Brenda has some advice though.

“First thing is make sure you vote. Democracy is a precious and fragile bird. Don’t let them put it in a gilded cage. Let it fly all over the land. Second thing, don’t vote for proven liars. That’s how we got into this mess to begin with.”

But what about those people who say it’s too late, Brexit is happening?

“You’re thinking exactly what Cummings and Johnson want you to think. You muppet. This is no longer just about Brexit, but the entire future of governance of the country.”