Category: Democracy

The supreme court today have made a landmark ruling on a question that has been preying on the public’s minds for a long time, but have today issued their verdict.

They have decided, by a vote of 11 to nil, that water is in fact wet.

One of the judges, Laura Norder, issued the following statement after the verdict was announced.

“We looked at several samples of water of varying kinds – tap water, bottled water, rain water, spring water, sea water, we looked at them, we examined them with our fingers and we tasted them. Every type of water you could think of. All of it had that wet feel to it, so we had to conclude that water is indeed wet.”

Well they’ll certainly have had plenty of rain water to test out in the last few days.
Nigel Farage also had something to say on the matter. Nobody actually asked him to, but whenever there’s an issue, he is unable to resist giving his opinion.

“What about ice then?” he asked. “That’s water, that’s dry. So the judges got it wrong, water is irrefutably dry.”

Well he would say that wouldn’t he. But Mrs Norder had the comeback:

“We did investigate ice, and found it melting, and displaying increasingly liquid characteristics. The only way to make ice dry is to freeze it, and then it’s not water.”
At this Mr Farage left the room in a sulk, insisting that water was really dry.

So after both this and the revelation that Boris Johnson’s proroguing of parliament was unlawful, what next for the supreme court?

“There are other issues that urgently need settling,” Mrs Norder added. “There is an unconfirmed rumour that the pope has leanings towards Catholicism. We think it might be useful to investigate that one.”

She might also investigate the claim that bears shit in the woods.

BACK TO WORK BOYS AND GIRLS : John Bercow is reportedly sipping on some warm honey currently as he prepares his robust vocal chords to go back to work bringing “ORDEEEER!” to the mother of parliamentary democracy.

The preparation is a result of the Supreme Court ruling 11-0 that Boris Johnson, Jacob Rees-mogg and Andrea Leadsom lied to the Queen.

Prorogation of parliament was thus unlawful and did not happen (even though it did, but legally it didn’t, of course it’s not straightforward, it’s Brexit). Back to work in both chambers very soon.

“He’s going to really give it some welly,” our imagined Bercow aide says, “he’s bouncing about his chambers like Charlie holding that ticket to the Chocolate Factory. He can’t wait. Just think of it, those Tory MPs slinking back into the chamber? Boris Johnson wondering whether or not to apply for political asylum in New York? It’s really quite delicious.”

And to rub salt into the Brexit wounds, the judges have ruled that it’s parliament and the speakers (both houses) who decide what happens now, not the pale faced, bed hopping, blonde buffoon.

At least we can take comfort in knowing that Boris Johnson still counts Donald Trump as a friend. And with friends like those…

“It’s a good thing all those champions of Brexit made parliamentary sovereignty such a high priority. They can’t complain about its triumph over a wannabe, tin pot charlatan temporarily occupying the rooms of 10 Downing Street,” the aide added, “and especially that there’s highly skilled and principled people like Gina Miller to marshal the legal eagles to the defence of our democracy.”

ORDEEER! Get back on that plane Boris Johnson. You’re out of order and you’re required back in the lower chamber very, very soon.

GAFFER TAPES THE GAFF : DOWNING STREET is looking to get ahead of what maybe a sticky wicket tomorrow when the Supreme Court hands down its verdict on whether or not philandering Boris and that freak with the nanny lied to the Queen.

And it’s not just by having their offshore owned media bully and threatened judges and QC’s. There’s more direct action being taken to ensure MPs will now vote the right way.

Speaking exclusively to LCD Views an invented Downing Street ‘source’ told us they were intending to make MPs an offer too good to be true.

“They can come back early to Westminster, just so long as they agree to a new dress code for debates,” the source informed, “this will be a strip of tape applied across the mouth of all anti-Brexit MPs during debates. We had thought to go for ball gags but a quick search of our stock of licensed images revealed so many women in bondage, and nothing else, we thought the article unlikely to survive for long on Facepamphlet with that as the image. Happily searching just for ‘gags’ didn’t reveal many jokes, but it did get us a generic man with tape on his mouth.”

Pro-Brexit MPs will be immune from the new dress code. Partially it’s thought because there’s so much bile in their mouths the tape will just melt away.

“But also because they’re the only ones the government listens to anyway, as the people had one vote in a corrupted opinion poll some years back, and they don’t need another,” the source confirmed, “never mind the fact that just applying the tape to the mouths of men like Bridgen and Francois would require entire regiments of SAS.”

Suggestions that making any votes an automatic pro-Brexit one are also under consideration. MPs who wish to vote differently will have to opt out of being pro-Brexit. This maybe made more difficult, as plans are in place to use restraints during the balloting process.

And the geniuses behind the current proroguing of parliament have given thought to the Speaker too.

“We will replace Bercow with one of those weird, hot, posh girls that US billionaire funded, hard right ‘think tanks’ are always getting on the publicly funded BBC,” the source added, “there shouldn’t be any problem doing that. The old honey trap trick is rumoured to have already compromised so many Tory MPs over the last decade, total compliance with rulings from the chair is guaranteed. At least for MPs that won’t be taped. Do you want your wife to find out? That’ll stifle the debate. Guaranteed.”

Democracy: that most abused of words ever since Brexit became a thing. Finally, Number Ten puppetmaster Dominic Cummings has revealed the true meaning of the word.

Short Cummings’ logic is infallible. “Democracy means government by the people,” he writes. “Therefore, since I am a person, it means government by me. The 650 or so MPs are merely opportunist placemen and women, who ought to be grateful for the sort of strong leadership I bring to the table.”

Winter Is Cummings has streamlined the system considerably. “If one gains the absolute trust of the incumbent of Number Ten,” he writes, “then one’s job becomes infinitely more manageable. If one controls the (nominal) boss, then one controls the executive, and therefore the House!”

Goings and Cummings reveals a streak of eugenics running through his backseat driving. “Any member of the executive who dares to disagree with conventional wisdom, i.e. what I want, must be removed,” he reveals in a chapter entitled Ideological Purity. “Dissenting voices have no place in a clear-thinking and single-minded organisation. We need action, not thought. Ours not to reason why, ours just to do and die, whatever that pillock Johnson says!”

Independent observers believe that Premature Cummings may have shot his bolt too soon. “He is far too impatient,” remarks dangerous moderate Libby Demm. “He is too eager to get right inside, do the business, and get out by 31 October. “Typical man. I’ve had the misfortune to encounter his type too many times. Instead of preparing the way and then easing himself in gently, it’s fire this, prorogue that, and rush to the finishing line as quickly as possible so he can brag about it to his mates afterwards.”

What goes around, Cummings around. His attempts to control democracy may just have backfired, and the UK parliament may not take too kindly to unelected bureaucrats.

SETTING A SUPREME PRECEDENT : Only the judges can save us now, it seems. And not Judge Dredd, not Judge Rinder, not Judge Tinder and not Judge Judy, but Lady Hale and her league of eleven.

“With political extremism on the rise across the UK’s political landscape action must be taken to ensure people’s food supplies and medicines remain at risk,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, “it’s just as well the BBC have weighed in and attempted to associate the centre ground parties as extreme. Think of all the short positions taken on Sterling? People want to spend Sunday shooting wildlife, not hedging their bets!”

And the discovery that the centre ground still exists, with open plains to the left and right of it for people to camp on, is one of the greater shocks.

“The Conservative government, together with the stubborn fenceposts opposite, have done their best to convince everyone the centre was carparked in 2016, there’s no political gain by being sane, chase the kippers and forget the rest! But it’s there, the centre, and getting worryingly extreme.”

So extreme it appears to be sucking in the disaffected from left and right who just can’t stand being bullied in the night anymore. Where’s the stiff upper lip?!

“If too many more MPs join the bloody Libs, if Swinson and Sturgeon can lay off one another for half an hour, if Lucas can accept that they’re no longer the only party who cares about the environment (and that’s a success!), if Sinn Fein keep up their work opening the way for Alliance and Plaid hold firm, it’s possible the extremists could end up being key players in a GNU. It’s bloody frightening. I was looking forward to popping down the off licence and buying cut price, asbestos laden, smuggled cigarettes from November 1st!”

So we have to look to the judges.

“They have to rule that the government’s advice to the Queen was unlawful,” our ‘source’ says, “otherwise when the extremists seize the levers of power you can be bloody sure they’ll prorogue parliament again and force through No Brexit. What a nightmare scenario! We’ve been devaluing British assets hard for three years. We can’t have the country stabilising now. For the offshore crew, there’s still more UK to get.”

WHOA THERE STEADY ON NOW : The BBC, that bastion of right on thought, has put itself front and centre in the conversation over what entails centrism in British political life.

“It asked if the Liberal Democrats are now an extreme political organisation,” our media watcher says, “because they wish to Revoke Article 50. This would instantly stop Brexit. I guess you could class that as an extreme bit of politics? Extreme in the sense of guaranteeing Nigel Farage a long twilight to his career?”

But of course it’s not just in the Liberal Democrat’s that this new extremism lurks. Roughly 87% of the Labour Party membership want to remain in the EU. It stands to reason there’s a goodly chunk of that percentage of people that would just revoke too.

“The SNP. They’d revoke. Bloody hell. Plaid. Alliance. Sinn Fein. A larger chunk of Tories than you’d expect. Extremism is everywhere.”

And of course the result of this fanaticism, if actioned, would be very extreme.

“Diabetics wouldn’t be at risk of dying by completely avoidable insulin shortages for one. Millions of EU citizens that came here legally, and are being terrorised by a retrospective immigration law change, they’d sleep easier. So too Brits on the continent. The pound would surge. FDI would start to increase again. The EU’s ability as a bloc to fight international tax dodging and climate change would be strengthened. Workers rights. Human rights. Gender equality. Safer food and animal protections. Well, it’s a bloody long list of fall out if this extreme notion of just revoking Article 50 comes into play. Imagine what all the criminals involved in Brexit would do without political protection? Madness.”

The BBC would be in for a shake up too. All those Tory and right wing think tank place people may feel a little homeless.

“I’m all for it,” our analyst decided, “sign me up as an extremist.”

WHO NEEDS RULE OF LAW WHEN YOU CAN JUST RULE ALL : The UK’s Supreme Court is sitting today to decide whether or not Boris Johnson has achieved his goal of becoming ‘World King’, or if parliament is sovereign?

The case has been brought about largely because the current, caretaker prime minister, Boris dePrattle Johnson, is still the emotional age he was when he first dreamed of being “World King”.

But critics of the court case has claimed it is unfair to characterise it in this way as Boris isn’t trying to be king of the world, just of England.

“That’s nonsense though,” a Downing Street source back bit, “everyone knows the only part of the world that matters is England. Thus, he is world king.”

To decide the issue eleven Supreme Court judges will sift through reams of paper, and show a endurance of concentration span that would suggest they spend insufficient time staring gormlessly at smart phones, enthralled by the decisions of algorithms.

“It’s incredibly important. It is about the way the United Kingdom is governed,” our more serious observer observed, “as the case deals with the power of the executive to suspend parliament, it would appear under false pretences (to many) by the very fact no minister or civil servant is willing to attest to the reasons given to the Queen for the prorogation in a signed affidavit, and risk prison. Additional to this the same executive is intimating it may just keep proroguing parliament to do what the hell it likes. No Parliament oversight required.”

Essentially it seems the Supreme Court will decide if the United Kingdom is still a representative democracy or a Borisocracy. We know what we’d rather be.

The Twat Of The Year competition arouses strong emotions. The 2016 winner, David Cameron has reacted angrily to the 2019 shortlist. He has called leading contender Boris Johnson a twat.

The spat erupted through the hallowed pages of The Times, in contrast to the inane, insane Twitter rantings of the orange Oval Officer over the pond. “I hate to have to say it, but one is afraid that one’s esteemed friend and colleague, Boris Johnson, is a bit of a twat,” he wrote.

“Talk about calling a spade a fucking shovel,” came the robust response from Boris Johnson’s bunker  “That fucker screwed the country with that fuck-up of a referendum then buggered off to his fucking shed,” is what our source claimed Boris’ spokesman said. “That twat doesn’t realise how much of a twat he really is!”

This year’s competition is hotter than ever. Apart from Love Island contestants and Kardashians, almost every sitting MP has been nominated, although bankers like Theresa May and Chris Grayling have been discounted for resigning untwattishly.

Johnson remains the favourite, although Michael Gove is close behind. Indeed, Gove was heard to remark, on his nomination by Cameron, that it was “like being savaged by a dead pig’s head”.

It is difficult to be more twattish than calling a referendum without proper forethought, in order to silence a bunch of immature bully boys, then hiding in a shed when it all went tits up.

But Johnson has managed to trump Cameron. Johnson, the balloon who became Prime Minister, is still full of hot air, even though he has let his country down, his party down and himself down. The deflated windbag is no more than a twat in a bunker.

A twat by any other name would smell… like a twat. The competition has been suspended to ensure that Boris wins.

ASAP : 10 Downing Street, that hothouse of strategic geniuses, is expected to respond to the Scottish High Courts ruling that Boris and Jacob bullshitted the actual Queen into proroguing Parliament with a steamy bloom of denial.

“What me, worry?” Mr Johnson is reported to be planning to tell a packed House of Commons, “I never prorogued Parliament. I deny it. It was Jacob’s idea anyway. Did I go and see Her Majesty and ask for it?”

The line of defence, based on having plausible deniability, is presumed to come from Dominic ‘Short’ Cummings. A man chosen by Boris Johnson to do the hard work of thinking for him, so Boris can carry on being Boris. And we have to pause and wonder, how well is that working out for them?

But should the House of Commons, and indeed the Queen, not buy the denial, Boris has another trick up his sleeve.

“He’s going to go into hiding,” a Downing Street source rumoured, “just until it all blows over. Like he did in the Tory leadership campaign. Boris knows what a thwarted woman is like. He should, he’s thwarted a fair few. Hide is the best policy. Wait until they calm down before going back over with ruffled hair, a grin and some half remembered classical quote. He’ll be all right. You wait and see.”

To many sober spectators this latest plot twist in the Boris show is no surprise. Brexit was always going to embroil the Queen in its never ending farce.

How the Queen will react isn’t yet clear, except perhaps for some wistful feeling of wanting some of the more brute powers of her distant ancestors faced with high profile idiots.

At least Boris Johnson’s media backers have somewhere to turn, a safe harbour in the latest storm, they can just print a big smiling Boris re-opening parliament, once he bends to the avalanche of political will, and caption it,

“Bouncing Baby Boris Bounces Back, Recalls MPs saying. Get back to work! You Berks!” As if not being at work had nothing at all to do with Boris. Who was after all, just being Boris.

THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS BAD PR : Scientists working at the University of Sanity have identified the first actual Brexit dividend today.

“We took a look at the trajectory of the boy who wanted to be World King,” lead scientist, Professor Blue Sky, told LCD Views, “for decades this individual has just risen, and not by noble means, but now he’s plateaued and soon he will start rapidly descending.”

The reason for the rapidly approaching, rapid descent appears to be the wrong choice as a newspaper columnist back in 2016.

“He’s a gambler. Do or die. His calculations, however cynical, have always paid off before. Then he rolled the big dice and it turned out like the plot to ‘The Producers’. He won, but in reality he needed to lose to win. So now he’s stuffed. Although he’s been on the run from the result ever since.”

And it seems the professor is onto something. Given that the World King is now attempting to rule over Brexitannia, a notoriously unstable and treacherous region.

“If he actually delivers Brexit he is stuffed, because any kind of Brexit will be negative. It’s just a question of degree. So there is no win there. Especially as half, and more likely significantly more, of the population can’t be propagandised into acceptance of his plan. In fact, the daily mass spend on social media is just entrenching them further.”

That’s no way to pull off a hard right revolution in governance. It sounds more like a botched coup…

“But, if he doesn’t deliver Brexit he is equally stuffed. So many ill intentioned, moneyed interests are looking for it to be a success, on their terms. Not delivering is not an option. It’s a classic no win. And to think he arrived at this point voluntarily through an excess of ill judged self-belief and entitlement? What a muppet.”

LCD Views would like to thank the professor, and his team at Sanity, for their findings.

David Cameron realised what he’d done, that there was no win, and bravely ran away.

Theresa May then took up the baton of horseshit, somehow believing that she’d make a success of it, and failed, ground up by reality into a mince as pure as that inside David Davis’ head.

Now Boris Johnson has scooped up the blood and scat smeared baton from May and is failing even faster.

It can only end one way, for the World King, for the country there is a choice to be made. It’s damage limitation time. The sooner we dethrone Brexit and limit the harm Brexit is doing, the shorter the recovery…