Category: Democracy

DOMMER AND DOMMER : Never ones to be behind the story, Downing Street have denied that today’s Tory Party electoral broadcast will be delivered by anyone but Queen Elizabeth II.

“It’s not going to be Dominic “Short” Cummings in drag,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views exclusively, “it’s going to be the old girl herself. FFS. I AM A GENIUS. Here, hand me that pancake. And the mascara. AND YOUR PHONE AND GET OUT.”

But in spite of the clear and assertive denial rumours are still flying around the Westminster bubble that the person riding in the golden carriage, past the rough sleepers of inner London, and up to the crumbling palace of UK democracy, thus to proceed to a big golden chair, will be Dominic Cummings in drag, and not the Queen.

“For all we know the Queen is in on it,” one commentator speculated without any evidence, “she’s not just doing what she sees as her constitutional duty under duress. She’s not waiting patiently, if quietly furious, for the country’s elected representatives to sort out their own mess.”

And sort out their own mess the government will, judging by leaks in advance of the speech.

“Clearly the detainment and civil rights violation sector is set for a boom, as will be revealed in Dominic’s, I mean the Queen’s speech,” a Johnson SPAD told us, on the condition of anonymity, “so too the food bank sector. You thought it was booming now? Wait until after Brexit. Blood money from weapons sales? Key plank of Global Britain. There’s going to be something in here for everyone. Except the poor of course. But what use are they?”

How much of the speech the government will get to enact is just guesswork though. Since Mr Johnson cleverly administered punishment exclusions of his own MPs, he doesn’t have the numbers to pass laws.

“He’ll just have to keep proroguing Parliament and act as if he has passed the laws. It’s all perfectly democratic. There is no chance at all that the sole reason for having this bogus ramble in Westminster today is in the hope of the speech being voted down and a GE forced upon us.”

At least with the speech the UK can see it’s symbolism is still shiny and on display.

“It’s strong and stable government,” the SPAD added, “now if you don’t mind I’ve got to run along and buy a toy crown for Dom.”

BECAUSE VOTER FRAUD IS THE ISSUE : The government is taking measures to combat electoral fraud by changing the rules around voting.

“It’s too hard to combat widespread electoral fraud, as happened in the EUref in 2016,” Home Office spokesman Gerry Mander said today, “and besides, to admit there’s a serious danger to our democratic standards by digital manipulation of electors would risk showing how hollow the Brexit mantra ‘will of the people’ is. So instead we’re going to crack down on the non-issue is voter fraud. This should distract everyone nicely.”

And distracting everyone nicely, while rigging the hell out of elections and referendums, is now a key plank of modern governance.

“Suggestions that forcing everyone to bring an entire year’s worth of Daily Mail’s is an attempt to gerrymander the electoral register is entirely correct,” Gerry continued, “I mean who has those? Except hardcore Tory supporters? The young? Nope. Lefties? Definitely not. Immigrant communities? Not bloody likely. Working class voters who are happy to be programmed? Possibly. This will ensure our core vote of affluent bigots and poorer people who have been systematically disenfranchised will be able to vote. It’s going to work a treat.”

But some have raised queries about what the polling stations will do with so much paper? Especially given the expected toilet paper shortages to come with Brexit. Surely the Daily Mail’s can be put to better use?

“Of course they can. The climate cost of tabloid journalism is woeful. Especially so when you consider the message carried by the tabloids. A double down. But I wouldn’t worry about storage of the Daily Mail’s in most constituencies.”

Why not?

“Well, a solid Labour or Libdem or SNP area won’t have many eligible voters. So it’s a non-issue.”

What about allowing people to bring a year of Guardians instead? Or Independents? Or proof of digital subscription to a solid investigate journalism outfit?

“Ha! What the hell? We’d be out of power forever.”

Gerry Mander, thank you, and good luck rigging the ballot box.

“We’ll be stuffing them next.”

No doubt, if you thought you could get away with it, or if the penalties for being caught are worth the reward.

“Now it sounds like your talking about electoral fraud in 2016 again and attempting to undermine the will of the people…”

The UK has woken up to a fully-functioning government, after years of useless ones. The monumentally stupid pronouncements and childish taunts have ceased. Surprised investigators have discovered the answer.

For the first time in years, in fact probably for the first time since the Magna Carta, Parliament is clean. Rigorous drug tests have weeded out the spaffing spliffers and white line sniffers. Parliamentary boozers are now losers, and the smackheads have been smacked by Matron and sent to bed.

The change is remarkable. Michael Gove, for example, has spoken in the Chamber with eloquence and reason. Not once did he slobber, sway, or go all swivel-eyed. Boris Johnson apologised for making a hash of things, revoked Article 50 and resigned to allow someone more competent to lead his Party. Jacob Rees-Mogg remained upright throughout proceedings.

The change has been hard for some members. For David Davis the change has been difficult, to say the least. He was discovered in the now-closed Alex Salmond Memorial Bar, gibbering, sweating and shaking. Not the DTs, but the realisation that he is a complete fraud.

Theresa May has been banned from taking walking holidays in Wales, because this is seen as a gateway activity to running through wheatfields.

Chris Grayling has stopped bringing coke into work. He is now under a clean living regime, and besides the bubbles used to get up his nose.

Some female members are finding their career paths blocked. The problem is that they cannot sleep their way to the top jobs any more, since the brains of the men they use are no longer addled enough for the men to find them attractive.

The House of Lords has been transformed into a rehab centre, for those who still turn up drink as a lord. For the diehard refuseniks, cardboard boxes have been provided under Westminster Bridge.

And Brexit, the crack cocaine of the masses, has been consigned to the recycling bin of history.

BUILDING BRIDGES OUT OF BUSES : BORIS JOHNSON, flailing prime minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, is going to have a heavy weekend. He’s got some thinking to do. Some people weirdly trust him and he has to choose who to disabuse, or he may not deliver Brexit. Which would be a shame. If you’re a nationalist politician after independence.

“The DUP? They’re always on the phone. It never stops,” a technical coach, helping Boris understand Instagram, told LCD Views, “like, every time I take my top off to better show BoBo how to upload a selfie with a virile filter, it’s Arlene again! I think he should throw the DUP under the bus and keep Northern Ireland in the CU and SM. He can just front out the rest of the UK wanting exactly the same benefit by saying it’s the elites who did it.”

But other aides to the PM think he should throw different allies under the bus.

“We’ll first he’s got to make a bus big enough,” a local arts and crafts supplier advised, “to this end I am shortly to deliver a truckload of cardboard, craft glue and paints. Oh, and some little Lego people to serve as the people he throws under the bus. I think he should throw the ERG under. They’re so radicalised now they’ll never agree to anything but a Wicker Man Brexit anyway. And if he gets rid of them…wait…the maths is a problem with this Brexit business. Well, he should throw them under anyway. For the public good.”

It’s clearly a tough choice. He’s got to keep enough Labour MPs supporting Brexit too, while alienating a battalion from his own side?

“Probably best to throw Dominic Cummings under the bus? Don’t you think?” the poor sod who has to tidy up Downing Street each evening said, “if I have to scrub another kilo of chicken entrails off Dom’s desk I’ll go insane. Not to mention cleaning up all the scattered knuckle bones, small, hard to identify femurs and what not. The divination rites to decide each day’s new Brexit dead cat play are very messy. It wasn’t like this with May. She just spent each day in the toilet screaming for someone to make Boris Johnson go away.”

One thing is certain, if he does deliver any kind of Brexit, you can wish the UK away. Much better if we just stayed…Boris knows that. Why not throw Brexit under the Brexit bus?

The blame game continues apace. The failure of the government’s Brexit policy has been blamed on everything from global warming to aliens from Saturn. Finally, the fingers have been pointed in the right direction.

The democratic mandate in 1975 was not enough for some. Instead of getting behind the government, respecting democracy and sucking it up, they have been whining and moaning and undermining everything the government has tried to do.

Ever since, Europe has been the graveyard of Tory prime ministers. It cannot be long before Boris Johnson finds his continental ditch, in some corner of a foreign field that is forever England.

Even aliens from Saturn must recognise who the real saboteurs and traitors in this sorry business are. People who refused to accept a democratic result, so subverted the democratic process to overturn it.

Predictably, outrage has followed in the wake of this revelation. “I fight World War 2 in my head every day!” snorted Leave voter Norman D. Landings. “And every day I win against impossible odds because I’m English! You can’t take that away from me!”

LCD Views’ Imperial Nostalgia correspondent asked Landings how he had voted in 1975.

“I wasn’t allowed to vote,” he replied, disclosing that he was a child at the time. “I remember the power cuts though, they were great fun, getting the candles out and pretending we were at war! Joining the EU spoiled all our fun. I would still of voted out if they’d of let me!”

What’s this war obsession all about, then?

“You get to have a big weapon and shoot people!” he said. “It’s exciting, it makes me feel good. Bang bang bang!”

Not compensating for anything, obviously.

The people old enough to vote in 1975 will have witnessed the slow postwar recovery, the brief flare of optimism in the 1960s, then the failure of the British economy in the 1970s. We are stronger as part of a union, as brexiters say when the UK threatens to tear itself apart.

In short, brexiters, you lost. Get over it.

STAND AND DELIVER : The Bonnie and Clyde of British politics, Boris “The shagger” Johnson has reaffirmed his commitment to inflicting avoidable food and medicine shortages on the British public.

“They can make all the new laws they want,” someone claiming to be Mr Johnson told someone claiming to be a journalist, “I’ll just have a source threaten to break them. Mark my words. You will need a warrant to get me out of Downing Street. Or at least the threat of one.”

The reaffirmation of Mr Johnson’s commitment to dodgy relationships with former pole dancers, in need of readies, and with links to dubious US hard right figures came at a time of national crisis. And so too the alleged assertions in the paragraph above this one.

How the clever clogs who keep passing legislation making Mr Johnson’s promise to deliver Brexit, regardless of the damage that will be inflicted, will respond is pretty easy to guesstimate.

“I guess they’ll just keep passing laws,” a source close to Mr Johnson said, “well, you just wait and see what we do about it. First off we’ll brief the laws are pointless to friendly mouthpieces in the press. Then we’ll threaten to break them, when we acknowledge they are actual laws. Then we’ll cave in, but keep alluding to some devious plan we have that no one else has thought of. So clever, cunning and perfect even we haven’t thought of it. That’ll show them all. We’ll see who’s right.”

But in spite of all the bravado and bluster emanating like a poison fog from Downing Street, some in the general public are beginning to suspect they may have over billed their genius. Mostly to the exchequer, but also to the bank of credibility.

“It’s almost as if Brexit only got to where it is as a project through criminality, and of course the flaccid compliance of the official opposition that wants it for ideological reasons. If the Tory Brexiters have to obey the law they’re screwed, and so is Brexit, regardless of whether or not others maybe promising a ‘sensible’ Brexit in defiance of all evidence.”

But doubtless Mr Johnson will attempt to carry on, presumably by now picking a fight with the Queen, or some other daft measure.

Maybe it’s about time the fixed term parliament act was amended by the majority that is now governing parliament, to say that if a sitting prime minister loses a VONC who has to vacant Downing Street, after phong the Queen?

Then parliament can choose a caretaker by an indicative votes process to organise a GE, and not by the ridiculous partisan spectacle that seems to currently be the scene?

What’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the proper gander. The prize Christmas turkey nominally in charge of the UK is still giving the EU the bird. Feathers continue to fly in this ridiculous game of chicken.

The great tit insists on flying the nest, as the vultures egg him on. They worry that he will duck the issue and leave them with the bill.

Brexit is as dead as the dodo, whatever the turkey of Turkish descent may say. He may grouse about intransigence, but in truth he’s winging it in order to feather his nest.

The EU is, naturally, taking no notice of the strutting peacock swanning about like he owns the place. The legal eagles will claw him back, however much he magpies bits of his predecessor’s deal.

They won’t quail, however much the Brits grouse. The massive cock parrots his stock phrases, but they don’t hear a dicky bird.

Britain will rise like a phoenix from the flames, he tweets. Unfortunately, his hawkish attitude comes across like a one-legged pigeon trying to be cock of the walk. The cat is among the pigeons, the fox is in the hen house, and everyone is running around like headless chickens.

The fly by night chancers will be banged up. Doing bird, and up before the beak, they will sing like canaries and the identity of the cuckoo in the nest will be revealed. The country will resound to the noise of 17.4 million ostriches removing their heads from the sand.

People will realise that they were gulled. We will all have to walk on eggshells for a while, while the cracks heal. Birds of a feather should always stick the fragments of society back together.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To avoid the Turkey? Wren will we realise they are robin us blind?

I’m all of a flutter. The chickens are coming home to roost.

ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD : The Conservatives are still clearly in campaign mode today with the announcement of their most insane spending commitment yet.

“We’ll get the money from the future,” Tory MP for Useful Idiocy, Dorrmat Footrooster, told LCD Views, “have you seen the future? It’s just full of money. Mostly that where the money is. So clearly that’s where we will get it. We’ve already opened a deep cut mine of spending commitments to that purpose.”

But surely the latest giveaway is stretching credibility to the limit.

“What? Promising record investment in new hospitals isn’t already stretching it? A government jammed full of ministers with links to private US health firms? And you’re still credulous?”

Have you seen the latest polls?

“Yes. It’s pretty eye watering stuff. I mean, just how? Game on. This is why it’s easy to promise however much it takes to convince you Boris Johnson is honest. Just name your price?”

£350m a week for myself and another £350m for my dog for life.

“Done. Cheques in the post. Just look to the future. What do you think about Mr Johnson now? Is he honest?”

Scrupulously so. Any scandals are clearly just misinterpretations. He just wants the best for everyone. You won’t find a more honest and credible public servant.

“Amazing. And you haven’t even got the cheque yet. Do you want to buy a bridge? We’re selling those too.”

Which bridge?

“Why London Bridge of course. And what’s best, I’ll deliver it personally to your home.”

In the future?

“Yes. Where all the best promises go to die.”

(FAR) RIGHT MOVE : Governing the country is set to be even easier for Boris “Spaffed out” Johnson and Dominic “Shorter all the time” Cummings with the changing of the numbers on the doors of Downing Street.

“It’s not just the number 10 that’s being replaced with 55, but the 11 on the Chancellor’s door too,” a Downing Street source revealed today.

Quite what will be done with the ‘10’ and ‘11’ isn’t clear, although there is some suspicion that secret remoaners in the civil service may attempt to hide them away in the hope of one day restoring them to their former places.

“I wouldn’t get your hopes up,” the Downing Street source responded, “we’re geniuses, in case you haven’t heard. We’re so many steps ahead of our opponents that we’ve already run off the cliff. Mostly of moral judgement. But also of responsible governance. This is why we have to change the numbers on the doors, so people know exactly why we’re in government.”

And the change in numbers is more than symbolic, as Dom and Bo are reportedly trying to move people who run such pillars of democratic progression like the TPA into the treasury.

This will presumably help further the alleged aims of only poor people paying tax, leaving filthy rich, hard right rabble rousing individuals free to explore such wonderful fields as eugenics and social media manipulation.

“It’s good to make the recent change in leadership at Downing Street permanent by switching the numbers. Much easier than moving the entire building to Tufton Street. That’s where we’ve the 55 from. 55 Tufton Street. Google it. Although the map will be wrong, as it’s now in Downing Street.”

But critics have been quick to quibble with the change in numerals.

“It shouldn’t be changed to 55,” one social media commentator said, “but 666. If you’re going to make a symbolic change, to display who’s the driving force in this government, at the least make it accurate.”

ALL TOGETHER NOW AND PUSH : Downing Street has responded to questions about pro-Brexit, and pro-Johnson, messaging being beamed directly into thousands of schools by explaining “it’s perfectly normal in a democracy to attempt to brainwash children.”

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.independent.co.uk/news/education/education-news/brexit-propaganda-boris-johnson-schools-stella-creasy-walhamstow-a9121941.html%3famp

The push to have children more fully appreciate the necessity of Mr Johnson crushing parliament is part of “sensible, ongoing preparations for No Deal.”

The project nests under the title of “Operation Brainwasher” and takes its inspiration from the successful totalitarian regimes of the 20th Century.

“Once children grasp the divine nature of Mr Johnson’s mission we will expand the messaging to better help children help the executive.”

The expansion will include subtle messages such as “The far right? It’s all reich!” and “Your father had to go away to help the state”.

Plans to have children report on any wrong-thinking their parents and teachers may display are also being worked up.

“We’re going to set up a freephone number. I can tell you dentists are going to be busy. If I were a career’s advisor that’s where I’d be pushing kids right now.”

Further measures are also being considered.

“We’re focus group testing a song in support of our heroic leader, Boris Johnson, right now, focusing on the themes of surrender.”

Giant Mr Johnson statues will also soon be deployed across the country so people know who to focus their adoration on.

“They’ll be hot air inflatables. Just like the man himself. The public carrying of pins will of course have to be banned.”

Talk to your child today and explain the benefits of Brexit.

“And be sure to explain that partisan political messaging being beamed directly intro schools by central government is 100% democracy, the British way!”