Category: Democracy

What’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the proper gander. The prize Christmas turkey nominally in charge of the UK is still giving the EU the bird. Feathers continue to fly in this ridiculous game of chicken.

The great tit insists on flying the nest, as the vultures egg him on. They worry that he will duck the issue and leave them with the bill.

Brexit is as dead as the dodo, whatever the turkey of Turkish descent may say. He may grouse about intransigence, but in truth he’s winging it in order to feather his nest.

The EU is, naturally, taking no notice of the strutting peacock swanning about like he owns the place. The legal eagles will claw him back, however much he magpies bits of his predecessor’s deal.

They won’t quail, however much the Brits grouse. The massive cock parrots his stock phrases, but they don’t hear a dicky bird.

Britain will rise like a phoenix from the flames, he tweets. Unfortunately, his hawkish attitude comes across like a one-legged pigeon trying to be cock of the walk. The cat is among the pigeons, the fox is in the hen house, and everyone is running around like headless chickens.

The fly by night chancers will be banged up. Doing bird, and up before the beak, they will sing like canaries and the identity of the cuckoo in the nest will be revealed. The country will resound to the noise of 17.4 million ostriches removing their heads from the sand.

People will realise that they were gulled. We will all have to walk on eggshells for a while, while the cracks heal. Birds of a feather should always stick the fragments of society back together.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To avoid the Turkey? Wren will we realise they are robin us blind?

I’m all of a flutter. The chickens are coming home to roost.

ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD : The Conservatives are still clearly in campaign mode today with the announcement of their most insane spending commitment yet.

“We’ll get the money from the future,” Tory MP for Useful Idiocy, Dorrmat Footrooster, told LCD Views, “have you seen the future? It’s just full of money. Mostly that where the money is. So clearly that’s where we will get it. We’ve already opened a deep cut mine of spending commitments to that purpose.”

But surely the latest giveaway is stretching credibility to the limit.

“What? Promising record investment in new hospitals isn’t already stretching it? A government jammed full of ministers with links to private US health firms? And you’re still credulous?”

Have you seen the latest polls?

“Yes. It’s pretty eye watering stuff. I mean, just how? Game on. This is why it’s easy to promise however much it takes to convince you Boris Johnson is honest. Just name your price?”

£350m a week for myself and another £350m for my dog for life.

“Done. Cheques in the post. Just look to the future. What do you think about Mr Johnson now? Is he honest?”

Scrupulously so. Any scandals are clearly just misinterpretations. He just wants the best for everyone. You won’t find a more honest and credible public servant.

“Amazing. And you haven’t even got the cheque yet. Do you want to buy a bridge? We’re selling those too.”

Which bridge?

“Why London Bridge of course. And what’s best, I’ll deliver it personally to your home.”

In the future?

“Yes. Where all the best promises go to die.”

(FAR) RIGHT MOVE : Governing the country is set to be even easier for Boris “Spaffed out” Johnson and Dominic “Shorter all the time” Cummings with the changing of the numbers on the doors of Downing Street.

“It’s not just the number 10 that’s being replaced with 55, but the 11 on the Chancellor’s door too,” a Downing Street source revealed today.

Quite what will be done with the ‘10’ and ‘11’ isn’t clear, although there is some suspicion that secret remoaners in the civil service may attempt to hide them away in the hope of one day restoring them to their former places.

“I wouldn’t get your hopes up,” the Downing Street source responded, “we’re geniuses, in case you haven’t heard. We’re so many steps ahead of our opponents that we’ve already run off the cliff. Mostly of moral judgement. But also of responsible governance. This is why we have to change the numbers on the doors, so people know exactly why we’re in government.”

And the change in numbers is more than symbolic, as Dom and Bo are reportedly trying to move people who run such pillars of democratic progression like the TPA into the treasury.

This will presumably help further the alleged aims of only poor people paying tax, leaving filthy rich, hard right rabble rousing individuals free to explore such wonderful fields as eugenics and social media manipulation.

“It’s good to make the recent change in leadership at Downing Street permanent by switching the numbers. Much easier than moving the entire building to Tufton Street. That’s where we’ve the 55 from. 55 Tufton Street. Google it. Although the map will be wrong, as it’s now in Downing Street.”

But critics have been quick to quibble with the change in numerals.

“It shouldn’t be changed to 55,” one social media commentator said, “but 666. If you’re going to make a symbolic change, to display who’s the driving force in this government, at the least make it accurate.”

ALL TOGETHER NOW AND PUSH : Downing Street has responded to questions about pro-Brexit, and pro-Johnson, messaging being beamed directly into thousands of schools by explaining “it’s perfectly normal in a democracy to attempt to brainwash children.”

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.independent.co.uk/news/education/education-news/brexit-propaganda-boris-johnson-schools-stella-creasy-walhamstow-a9121941.html%3famp

The push to have children more fully appreciate the necessity of Mr Johnson crushing parliament is part of “sensible, ongoing preparations for No Deal.”

The project nests under the title of “Operation Brainwasher” and takes its inspiration from the successful totalitarian regimes of the 20th Century.

“Once children grasp the divine nature of Mr Johnson’s mission we will expand the messaging to better help children help the executive.”

The expansion will include subtle messages such as “The far right? It’s all reich!” and “Your father had to go away to help the state”.

Plans to have children report on any wrong-thinking their parents and teachers may display are also being worked up.

“We’re going to set up a freephone number. I can tell you dentists are going to be busy. If I were a career’s advisor that’s where I’d be pushing kids right now.”

Further measures are also being considered.

“We’re focus group testing a song in support of our heroic leader, Boris Johnson, right now, focusing on the themes of surrender.”

Giant Mr Johnson statues will also soon be deployed across the country so people know who to focus their adoration on.

“They’ll be hot air inflatables. Just like the man himself. The public carrying of pins will of course have to be banned.”

Talk to your child today and explain the benefits of Brexit.

“And be sure to explain that partisan political messaging being beamed directly intro schools by central government is 100% democracy, the British way!”

UNLAWFUL EYEFUL : The atmosphere inside the offices of previously obscure television production house, Hale and Miller, is said to ebullient, while touchingly restrained, after the news the constitutionally restorative team have been commissioned to make a full series of Supreme Court, after the success of the pilot TV show, ‘Prorogation Unlawful’.

“We are immensely pleased with the professionalism and clarity of the scripts we’ve produced thus far,” Lady Spider, head of production, told LCD Views, “it’s not easy to make such complicated subjects accessible. I’m just glad everyone was able to understand the pilot.”

But when asked about the series commission, and how many episodes it was for, she was unusually indefinite.

“That really depends,” she replied, “on how daft is the government? They try and get around the Benn Act, well, that maybe a new episode. And of course as it all falls to pieces, each mad scheme unravelling upon launch, it maybe the source of half a dozen episodes. It maybe more. Actually, if the opposition parties are foolish enough to allow a GE before Boris Johnson is a total busted flush, and the country is treated to the spectacle of a new Conservative government, that will be several series, not just one.”

But critics have claimed the commissioning of the series is likely to clash with current ratings smash hit, Parliament TV, and would there be public appetite for two concurrent shows with crossover themes?

“I don’t see how that’s likely to be troublesome,” Lady Hale shrugged, “Unlawful Prorogation was written as a result of the abrupt, temporary cancelling of Parliament TV by a rogue producer. And now Parliament TV picks up again where we’ve left off.”

You could even say the two compliment one another?

“That’s the way the system is designed to work,” she smiled, “one strengthens the other to the benefit of the entire audience.”

And what about the merchandising opportunities that have arisen out of ‘Unlawful Prorogation’?

“You are taking about the spider brooch tee-shirts?”

Yes.

“And the money generated for Shelter as a result of the sales? That’s a nice irony. Homeless charity benefits from television broadcast resulting from the unlawful actions of politicians who have created so much homelessness. It has a certain irony.”

Launch date for the full series isn’t confirmed yet, but as long as Johnson and Dom are in Downing Street, you can be certain the scripts will write themselves.

Laying down the law! The Supreme Court’s decision about the prorogation of parliament must be respected, insist legal eagles.

But some have objected. Typical of the objecters is bigmouth pub bore Shay Mingus.

“I for one don’t accept the result,” whined Mingus. “11 judges, judging Boris Johnson? It’s liberal metropolitan elitism gone mad!”

Unfortunately for Mingus, there’s nothing he can do about it.

“It’s undemocratic!” he ranted. “11 is a lot less than 52%, and that’s the cutoff for democracy. Unless the bad loser remainers win, then it doesn’t count because they lost!”

But this time, a unanimous vote means 100% of the judges agree.

“Yeah, but the judges should stick to the law and not politics,” he argued. “This is why we want out of the EU, so that British courts can judge British cases!”

Which is what just happened, of course.

“We will take it to the European Court of Justice!” yelled Mingus. “And then… Oh shit, we don’t like them, do we? Bollocks. Who’s higher than the Supreme Court? Judge Rinder, that’s who. We will win thanks to daytime TV!”

Brexitsceptic Dev Ilyuno was suitably sceptical. “These people who insist upon sovereignty and all that crap only like it when it suits them,” he pointed out. “This is a British court, ruling on British matters, and the so-called patriots hate it when it doesn’t go their way. And they call everyone else snowflakes!”

It’s remarkable. There are actually people who think that democracy is a wonderful thing until there is a democratic decision that counters their world view. Democracy means democracy, except of course when it doesn’t.

“It’s the whole we won, you lost, mentality,” explained Ilyuno. “Nobody can cope with being a winner only some of the time.”

Whatever your opinion, British politics is in uncharted waters. Here be monsters? Probably.

The supreme court today have made a landmark ruling on a question that has been preying on the public’s minds for a long time, but have today issued their verdict.

They have decided, by a vote of 11 to nil, that water is in fact wet.

One of the judges, Laura Norder, issued the following statement after the verdict was announced.

“We looked at several samples of water of varying kinds – tap water, bottled water, rain water, spring water, sea water, we looked at them, we examined them with our fingers and we tasted them. Every type of water you could think of. All of it had that wet feel to it, so we had to conclude that water is indeed wet.”

Well they’ll certainly have had plenty of rain water to test out in the last few days.
Nigel Farage also had something to say on the matter. Nobody actually asked him to, but whenever there’s an issue, he is unable to resist giving his opinion.

“What about ice then?” he asked. “That’s water, that’s dry. So the judges got it wrong, water is irrefutably dry.”

Well he would say that wouldn’t he. But Mrs Norder had the comeback:

“We did investigate ice, and found it melting, and displaying increasingly liquid characteristics. The only way to make ice dry is to freeze it, and then it’s not water.”
At this Mr Farage left the room in a sulk, insisting that water was really dry.

So after both this and the revelation that Boris Johnson’s proroguing of parliament was unlawful, what next for the supreme court?

“There are other issues that urgently need settling,” Mrs Norder added. “There is an unconfirmed rumour that the pope has leanings towards Catholicism. We think it might be useful to investigate that one.”

She might also investigate the claim that bears shit in the woods.

BACK TO WORK BOYS AND GIRLS : John Bercow is reportedly sipping on some warm honey currently as he prepares his robust vocal chords to go back to work bringing “ORDEEEER!” to the mother of parliamentary democracy.

The preparation is a result of the Supreme Court ruling 11-0 that Boris Johnson, Jacob Rees-mogg and Andrea Leadsom lied to the Queen.

Prorogation of parliament was thus unlawful and did not happen (even though it did, but legally it didn’t, of course it’s not straightforward, it’s Brexit). Back to work in both chambers very soon.

“He’s going to really give it some welly,” our imagined Bercow aide says, “he’s bouncing about his chambers like Charlie holding that ticket to the Chocolate Factory. He can’t wait. Just think of it, those Tory MPs slinking back into the chamber? Boris Johnson wondering whether or not to apply for political asylum in New York? It’s really quite delicious.”

And to rub salt into the Brexit wounds, the judges have ruled that it’s parliament and the speakers (both houses) who decide what happens now, not the pale faced, bed hopping, blonde buffoon.

At least we can take comfort in knowing that Boris Johnson still counts Donald Trump as a friend. And with friends like those…

“It’s a good thing all those champions of Brexit made parliamentary sovereignty such a high priority. They can’t complain about its triumph over a wannabe, tin pot charlatan temporarily occupying the rooms of 10 Downing Street,” the aide added, “and especially that there’s highly skilled and principled people like Gina Miller to marshal the legal eagles to the defence of our democracy.”

ORDEEER! Get back on that plane Boris Johnson. You’re out of order and you’re required back in the lower chamber very, very soon.

GAFFER TAPES THE GAFF : DOWNING STREET is looking to get ahead of what maybe a sticky wicket tomorrow when the Supreme Court hands down its verdict on whether or not philandering Boris and that freak with the nanny lied to the Queen.

And it’s not just by having their offshore owned media bully and threatened judges and QC’s. There’s more direct action being taken to ensure MPs will now vote the right way.

Speaking exclusively to LCD Views an invented Downing Street ‘source’ told us they were intending to make MPs an offer too good to be true.

“They can come back early to Westminster, just so long as they agree to a new dress code for debates,” the source informed, “this will be a strip of tape applied across the mouth of all anti-Brexit MPs during debates. We had thought to go for ball gags but a quick search of our stock of licensed images revealed so many women in bondage, and nothing else, we thought the article unlikely to survive for long on Facepamphlet with that as the image. Happily searching just for ‘gags’ didn’t reveal many jokes, but it did get us a generic man with tape on his mouth.”

Pro-Brexit MPs will be immune from the new dress code. Partially it’s thought because there’s so much bile in their mouths the tape will just melt away.

“But also because they’re the only ones the government listens to anyway, as the people had one vote in a corrupted opinion poll some years back, and they don’t need another,” the source confirmed, “never mind the fact that just applying the tape to the mouths of men like Bridgen and Francois would require entire regiments of SAS.”

Suggestions that making any votes an automatic pro-Brexit one are also under consideration. MPs who wish to vote differently will have to opt out of being pro-Brexit. This maybe made more difficult, as plans are in place to use restraints during the balloting process.

And the geniuses behind the current proroguing of parliament have given thought to the Speaker too.

“We will replace Bercow with one of those weird, hot, posh girls that US billionaire funded, hard right ‘think tanks’ are always getting on the publicly funded BBC,” the source added, “there shouldn’t be any problem doing that. The old honey trap trick is rumoured to have already compromised so many Tory MPs over the last decade, total compliance with rulings from the chair is guaranteed. At least for MPs that won’t be taped. Do you want your wife to find out? That’ll stifle the debate. Guaranteed.”

Democracy: that most abused of words ever since Brexit became a thing. Finally, Number Ten puppetmaster Dominic Cummings has revealed the true meaning of the word.

Short Cummings’ logic is infallible. “Democracy means government by the people,” he writes. “Therefore, since I am a person, it means government by me. The 650 or so MPs are merely opportunist placemen and women, who ought to be grateful for the sort of strong leadership I bring to the table.”

Winter Is Cummings has streamlined the system considerably. “If one gains the absolute trust of the incumbent of Number Ten,” he writes, “then one’s job becomes infinitely more manageable. If one controls the (nominal) boss, then one controls the executive, and therefore the House!”

Goings and Cummings reveals a streak of eugenics running through his backseat driving. “Any member of the executive who dares to disagree with conventional wisdom, i.e. what I want, must be removed,” he reveals in a chapter entitled Ideological Purity. “Dissenting voices have no place in a clear-thinking and single-minded organisation. We need action, not thought. Ours not to reason why, ours just to do and die, whatever that pillock Johnson says!”

Independent observers believe that Premature Cummings may have shot his bolt too soon. “He is far too impatient,” remarks dangerous moderate Libby Demm. “He is too eager to get right inside, do the business, and get out by 31 October. “Typical man. I’ve had the misfortune to encounter his type too many times. Instead of preparing the way and then easing himself in gently, it’s fire this, prorogue that, and rush to the finishing line as quickly as possible so he can brag about it to his mates afterwards.”

What goes around, Cummings around. His attempts to control democracy may just have backfired, and the UK parliament may not take too kindly to unelected bureaucrats.