The UK has woken up to a fully-functioning government, after years of useless ones. The monumentally stupid pronouncements and childish taunts have ceased. Surprised investigators have discovered the answer.
For the first time in years, in fact probably for the first time since the Magna Carta, Parliament is clean. Rigorous drug tests have weeded out the spaffing spliffers and white line sniffers. Parliamentary boozers are now losers, and the smackheads have been smacked by Matron and sent to bed.
The change is remarkable. Michael Gove, for example, has spoken in the Chamber with eloquence and reason. Not once did he slobber, sway, or go all swivel-eyed. Boris Johnson apologised for making a hash of things, revoked Article 50 and resigned to allow someone more competent to lead his Party. Jacob Rees-Mogg remained upright throughout proceedings.
The change has been hard for some members. For David Davis the change has been difficult, to say the least. He was discovered in the now-closed Alex Salmond Memorial Bar, gibbering, sweating and shaking. Not the DTs, but the realisation that he is a complete fraud.
Theresa May has been banned from taking walking holidays in Wales, because this is seen as a gateway activity to running through wheatfields.
Chris Grayling has stopped bringing coke into work. He is now under a clean living regime, and besides the bubbles used to get up his nose.
Some female members are finding their career paths blocked. The problem is that they cannot sleep their way to the top jobs any more, since the brains of the men they use are no longer addled enough for the men to find them attractive.
The House of Lords has been transformed into a rehab centre, for those who still turn up drink as a lord. For the diehard refuseniks, cardboard boxes have been provided under Westminster Bridge.
And Brexit, the crack cocaine of the masses, has been consigned to the recycling bin of history.