Category: Democracy

BOB A JOB : A DEEP STUDY THAT PROBED THE CREVICES AND DEPTHS OF THE U.K. LABOUR MARKET HAS CONCLUDED THAT BEING A SECRETARY OF STATE IN BORIS JOHNSON’S GOVERNMENT IS CURRENTLY THE MOST SECURE FORM OF EMPLOYMENT POSSIBLE.

”It beats being any other public sector worker hands down,” Mr Jizzphang, lead researcher at Wall Paint Study Forum told LCD Views. “It used to be that being a minister was very insecure. You could be in the door one day and out the door the next. But not now. Now it’s essentially a free for all. Break any law you like. Be as incompetent and malicious as you like. Ministerial code of conduct? Ha! That’s for idiots. Nothing is getting you fired. Don’t sweat it. The majority of the media will have you back too. And laughably, the official opposition won’t even go for you. It’s watertight.”

The underlying reason for the strength of employment protection was put down to Brexit.

“Brexit is going to make masses unemployed and impoverished. Only to be expected, given its a mass transfer of wealth and power to an autocratic state. But Secretary of State? Do you support Brexit? You’re sound. Don’t sweat it. The PM needs all the human shields he can get, and you’ll be very well rewarded.”

Further reinforcement is provided by the personality of the prime minister himself.

“He has zero behavioural standards, therefore he’ll encourage the worst in his underlings and reward them for it with his protection. It’s a positive feedback loop that helps Johnson psychologically shield himself from awareness of his ineptness and depravity. Exceptionally symbiotic. Just not for the general public. But who cares?”

But while being in the ministerial car maybe secure it is surprisingly not the most profitable in filthy lucre.

“It’s not the most lucrative. No. That’s PPE supply to the U.K. government. Just phone up Matt Hancock.”

CLEAR AS MUD: Now the court case that has cleared up government opaqueness is over, naughty Matt Hancock is to get a new job. 

His decision to reveal information on the public interest, when finally obliged to by a court of law, and only six months later than he should have done, means that he is the best man for the job. 

The logic is impeccable. The anti-corruption champion is married to the utterly corrupt Dido Harding. The Clandestine Channel Threat Commander is believed to be a pirate. The most responsible job in the country is held by the most irresponsible man imaginable. It follows that the Transparency Minister should be a man who, the court proved, concealed information illegally. 

Awarding an important role to somebody totally unsuited to it is nothing new, but the current government has elevated the practice to world beating new heights. 

Yes, it’s Matt Hancock, the man who cares so much about NHS workers that he gave them all a badge once. And clapped for them. But never shook the magic money tree in their direction. 

Oddly enough, Hancock instead watched squillions of pounds flutter gently into the capacious pockets of sundry Tory chums and sycophants, racing fraternity mates, and acquaintances from his local pub. 

It’s clear there has been a misunderstanding. Little Matt has been working night and day, straining every sinew, tirelessly fighting the War On Coronavirus. He can be forgiven for his occasional mistakes, and it’s clearly not cricket for the courts to disclose them. 

So, even though he has no spare time whatsoever, Hancock has another responsibility. He will ensure that glass ceilings become concrete, waters are muddied, and government websites crash as soon as they go live. 

Democracy, clarity, accountability. These words now mean the exact opposite of what they should. And the snotty news media should remember which side they are on, and wave the flag for Britain! 

CULTURE WAR! UH! WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR : THE RACE TO PARTIALLY VACCINATE THE UK IS ON, and it’s important that no one is forgotten.

To this end Downing Street are getting their priorities right, as supplies of the vaccine are currently limited, so now that the most famous pandemic rule breaker, Stanley Johnson, is fully jabbed up, it’s time to protect other historical relics.

“We need to protect our history from those who would properly understand it,” an aide to Robert Jenrick, Secretary of State for Pork Barrelling, told LCD Views. “To this end we are straining every sinew to protect the statues of famous British slavers. Every though they don’t have any sinews themselves.”

While the vaccine roll out itself is going ahead well, because it’s being done by the NHS, with some measure of political interference, the task of vaccinating the statues has been left to the experts.

“It wasn’t easy to find a Tory donor to give the statue vaccination contract to, but in the end we did, we found several of them. All have received multi-million pound contracts and all are rolling in it.”

And thanks to the fast actions of government the statues will now be safe from the virus as it is today, and whatever it inevitably mutates into tomorrow as the government stuffs about in the pandemic.

“Protecting our history has never been more important,” the aide adds. “Especially in the current climate when we are busy rewriting it. If the slaver’s statues topple, calls for reparations may follow, and we won’t stand for it in bronze or marble.”

HAVE I GOT ROTTING FISH FOR YOU : The media is full of reports for days of British fish dying happily because they know they’ll rot on a British dock.

But it’s not just the fish that are dying, it appears great swathes of the industry itself is laying on the dock gasping and flapping about.

The impact of the fishing industry is of course completely unexpected.

What use a shoals of trade experts warning of ruin when world famous trade expert Nigel Farage said otherwise? Who needs to research such credible claims from such august public figures?

People have, after all, had quite enough of experts. They want dark money funded bigots to confirm their biases and encourage their greed instead.

“But it’s not just Farage, Prime Minister Johnson deserves due praise indeed,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “You know Mr Johnson? Boris? He’s the guy in that Tory party conference film who refuses to shake hands with the black attendees in a line up.”

Mr Johnson, famous clown, amateur rugby player, father to uncounted children and poster boy of Brexit. He did it all with a smirk and eye catching stunts. And he promised the world. And he made voters laugh.

“It is his world beating ability to entertain that makes him a box office draw at the ballot box,” the insider adds, “who needs those boring politicians who drone on about reality when you can watch a big kid in a hard hat smash down some polystyrene boxes with a forklift! What a hoot!”

But now it seems the laughing is dying away, just like the industry Brexit promised to promote.

“British fishermen should take solace,” the source reminds us. “Their industry may lose countless small traders, but before we got to this point millions had a good old laugh at Boris. Al to his friends. No. No. Not you fisherman. To you he’ll always be Boris.”

THE BRIGHTEST AND THE BEST : The UK’s MPs overwhelmingly voted for the final iteration of Boris Johnson’s Brexit deal in the closing days of 2021, and now some of them are even going to read it.

“It wouldn’t have done to mess up Christmas with uncertainty over Brexit,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “which is why everyone had to vote for Brexit, so they could get home and try and not spread Covid. Or try and not catch it. Whichever way you roll.”

Clearly the process of ramming the bill into law was a great success for the prime minister, with most opposition MPs even turning up to play their bit parts in his farcical theatre.

Now though some MPs are becoming concerned with the impact of the deal and are actually starting to read it.

“It’s very old fashioned to examine the details of legislation before voting it through,” the source continues, “most modern MPs are not chosen for their attention spans or critical thinking abilities. They’re chosen to do as they’re ordered. And given how ghastly the government’s policy platform is, only the dumbest and meanest want to stand for it. It all harmonises exceptionally well.”

Except for when it doesn’t.

“The details of the bill can now be understood not just by pundits and interested members of the public. But by the people who voted to enact it. It’s a classic bit of Brexit. Do first. Examine consequences later. And always, always avoid scrutiny. It’s the only way to make a success of it.”

LOOK INTO MY EYES : THE SCUFFLE ACROSS THE POND ON CAPITOL HILL HAS LED TO SWIFT AND CAREFULLY MEASURED CONDEMNATION FROM THE UK’S LEADING CONSERVATIVES.

But that is clearly not good enough, given it appears that the Tories great ally Donald Trump may have stuck his sticky, bitty fingers into a sedition pie, before licking them clean.

So it seems the need to keep calling out Trump&Sons will not be abating swiftly. This leads many government MPs in a bind, given how many of them expressed effusive support for the Orange Peril.

“We don’t do unconscious bias training,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views, “but we do do amnesia training. We do it to a world beating standard. Wait, what are we talking about again?”

And before anyone forgets what they’re about it’s amnesia training today, tomorrow and whatever comes after yesterday.

“The main problem we face centres on the need to condemn Trump while not appearing to be hypocrites, in light of all the playful stuff we’ve done ourselves.”

This is a reference to lying to the Queen and illegally proroguing parliament and the ongoing accumulation of power without accountability by the executive? Oh, and the expressed desire to trash judicial review so the government can’t be held to account for lawbreaking?

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Amnesia. For the Torykip Brexit project to succeed it will need to be gold standard.

POUNDSTORE TRUMP : The UK’s prime minister is under pressure today to prove there’s a lot of clear water between him and wannabe US dictator Donald Trump.

”Many have unfairly compared Johnson to Trump and even suggested they maybe related. Boris being born in New York and all. But that rumour is not under discussion today,” a 10 Downing Street aide told LCD Views. “And it is not of consequence that if you fast forward Johnson twenty years you get Trump. Probably right down to the fake tan, given what climate change will do to the U.K. Bigly.”

But what is under discussion are the following similarities.

Contempt for democratic process. Disregard of international treaties. Serial adultery. Lying as a default way of doing politics. Utilising racism for political ends. Dodgy Russian connections. Inability to empathise with the suffering his policy choices cause. Always promising a better tomorrow while making sure that can’t happen today. Mad hair as a symbol of madness. Flag shagging. Overseeing a raging pandemic, when it could have been avoided. Supporters making a lot of money in said pandemic. Loss of international standing.

“Wow! Hold on. Before you mention children. Johnson hasn’t caged them. He’s just happy to starve them. So that’s different. And one more thing that proves they aren’t the same.”

Which is?

“Boris Johnson did not attempt to close down the legislature by encouraging a mob of social media radicalised loons to invade it. He simply illegally closed it. Much classier. And to show how exceptional we Brits are he’s going to do it again, just as soon as he thinks he can get away with it.”

PILE ‘EM HIGH AND SELL ‘EM CHEAP : THE PEOPLE’S PANDEMIC, BORIS JOHNSON, IS SET TO THRILL THE CONSTRUCTION INDUSTRY WITH THE ANNOUNCEMENT TODAY OF A GEORGIAN MANOR BUILDING BOOM.

The boost to the building sector comes as demand for classic 18th century, stately homes has surged in recent months, following the handling out of untendered PPE contracts to people who once met Matt Hancock.

“We’ll be flying in the required craftsmen and tradespeople from the continent on special charter flights,” a Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views, “all native talent is currently pouring concrete in Kent. But that won’t stop us getting Manor building done!”

The properties will be constructed on the sweeping fields of farms that will be bankrupted with Brexit.

“Those farmers are dust now anyway. At least by watching a stately pile rapidly rising over their humble dwelling they’ll know their land won’t go to waste. And who knows, maybe they can rent an acre on it to grow their own food, as in the good old days. Although imported American chlorine soaked in antibiotics and hormones will plainly be the more economical alternative.”

But critics have been quick to point out that the boom will only really benefit people who’ve landed plum PPE contracts throughout the course of the tantric Covid-19 pandemic.

“That’s short sighted. The way we’ve handled Covid-19 is just a dress rehearsal for Brexit. There’s going to be stumbling blocks, shortages and flaring disasters all over once we finish the transition period. You want to get down to the boozer of a Tory MP today and rub shoulders. You never know your luck in the big city, or the small hamlet.”

PPE contracts – you’ve got to be in it to win it!

BALLS TO THE WALL: A new report on the first year of Boris Johnson’s premiership is due out shortly. Its author, who has already resigned in anticipation, was not complimentary.

Faye Sparm, the Parliamentary Commissioner for Standards, was requested to investigate the conduct of the Crime Minister. She allegedly threw her completed report on the desk formerly occupied by “Classic” Dom Cummings, with a resignation letter written in most unParliamentary language.

The report ran to some 84547885 pages, but Sparm considerately included a precis on two sides of A4. This was intended to ensure that someone would actually read it to Boris Johnson.

You can guess the contents. For example, there were several entire volumes devoted to “Spaffing Money Up The Wall”. These contained individual books with titles like “PPE”, “Serco”, “Jennifer Arcuri”, and “Dilyn the Dog”.

Another twenty volumes made up the series entitled “Dither, Delay, and Wiff-Waff”.

The “Brexit” volumes comprise the heart of the report. Each reads like a crime thriller, with the evil protagonist blundering from failure to failure, yet refusing to concede defeat. Each volume concludes on a cliff-edge – I mean, a cliff-hanger.

The tale of one Dominic Cummings is woven throughout the entire work. This backroom player, a pound shop Wormtongue to Johnson’s tragicomic Saruman, brings about his own doom. On the road to Barnard Castle (a very British Damascus), the scales fell from our eyes and his deceit was made plain – yet his services were retained.

The whole is subtitled by Sparm, a Harry Potter fan, as “The Life And Lies Of Alex Johnson”.

Various government figures were wheeled out to denounce the report. Dominic Raab said he “didn’t appreciate its significance”. John Redwood wibbled something about British Fish. Priti Patel simply growled at everyone until they backed off. Johnson himself went into hiding.

But the overriding theme was that Poor Boris was doing a good job under difficult circumstances. He may have made a complete balls up of the job, but “unintentionally”.

MAKE PMQs GREAT AGAIN: The American-born blond buffoon supposedly in charge of the UK is self-isolating, conveniently enough. So in his place this week will be the American-born blond buffoon supposedly in charge of the USA.

The covid restrictions prevent Trump from actually appearing in person. So the exchanges will be conducted over Twitter.

Keir Starmer will issue forensic, searching questions in 280 characters. Trump will reply in deranged block capitals.

The questions themselves will not matter. But that’s traditional for the Johnson administration. And Trump is more than capable of conducting an argument in an empty room.

True to form, Trump is getting his responses in early. In his paranoia he is anticipating personal attacks. “PRESIDENTIAL HARASSMENT!” he boomed. “WE WILL TAKE ON THE LABS, AND WE WILL WIN AGAIN!”

Owning the Labs was only one of his preoccupations.

“MY GOOD FRIEND BORIS IS SICK!” he asserted. “AND HE IS DOING A VERY GOOD JOB INDEED! THE WICKED LEFT SHOULD SHUT UP AND SHOW SOME RESPECT!”

Somebody must have reminded Trump that there is still a pandemic going on, because the rage virtually leaped out of the next offering.

“TRUMP BEAT COVID! COVID BOWS DOWN TO TRUMP! IT’S A HOAX BUT WE BEAT IT ANYWAY!”

And, err, Brexit. It’s still going on, although the British negotiators have barely progressed beyond “You lost, get over it”.

“WE WANT A DEAL, WE WANT THE BESTEST DEAL, AND TRUMP IS THE MAN TO DO THE DEAL!” he boasted in an uncharacteristically lucid manner “BUT THE EU IS SLOW AND UNDEMOCRATIC. SAD!”

Back to standard Trump. What is an ex-American president, who should be packing his bags, doing standing in for the Prime Minister of the UK?

“I WON THE ELECTION!” he screamed, the disbelief palpable. “TRAITORS! TRAITORS EVERYWHERE! WE ARE ON THE SAME SIDE! LONDON IS IN AMERICA! MAGA! MAGA!”

And with that, the tweets stopped. It looks like Starmer might have to battle with the towering intellect of Dominic Raab instead.