Category: Democracy

STONE COLD CRAZY: The monstrous regiment of far left militant women must be guarded against. Every statue must be guarded carefully in case dear old Queen Vic turns out to be a killer queen in disguise. 

The public has been put on high alert. The male public, at least. In an update of McCarthy’s ‘reds under the bed’, every man must suspect his wife, sister, mother, daughter, mistress, of being a stormtrooper in stilettos. 

Under new emergency regulations, metallic paint may only be sold to men, and under licence. Street performers will be outlawed. It’s a policy that can’t possibly misfire. 

On the south coast, people were outraged. “This is trendy town, London on sea!” grumbled South Downs stalwart Lewis Sussex. “How will Brighton rock without its statues and street art?” 

In Glasgow the population suffered a sheer heart attack. “There’s no way you can be a tenement funster if all the girls are a potential enemy!” claimed tenement dweller Clyde Bridge. “This is destroying a whole way of life.” 

The brains behind the scheme is the famously world beating intellect belonging to Priti Patel. 

“Dear friends,” started the Prittster, sounding hostile and unfriendly. “This is all because women have been gettin’ ideas above their station. Women should be stayin’ in the kitchen, lookin’ after their families, and keepin’ their big fat gobs shut. No, of course the rules don’t apply to me,” she snapped, dismissing the obvious retort with a flick of the wrist. 

On the positive side, statues reported that they felt much safer.” Now I’m here, think I’ll stay around,” remarked leading statue Stan Donaplinth.” Not that I have much choice about it, but at least I’m no longer frightened of being thrown into the river by a bunch of militant feminists.” 

Who is going to protect us? Ultimately it’s in the lap of the gods. 

WEDGIE CENTRAL : The Home Secretary, known in mature Westminster circles as the “Prittster”, is said to be so concerned by the police behaviour at the Clapham vigil last Saturday night that she is to become personally involved in police training.

The decision to get hands on will be welcomed by officers who have come under considerable criticism for what some have viewed as bullying behaviour towards women. The focus has been made sharper by the light touch approach they have previously taken with crowds of football fans.

“Priti is too busy deciding which rights to tear up next to be interrupted from her important work by such irritations as out of control coppers,” an aide to the Prittster tells LCD Views. “She also has a short list of her own staff to bully daily, she doesn’t need the extra work. She’s already refining her techniques to save the public money. You can only have so many six figure pay outs.”

To sort the bullying situation the Home Secretary will give personal classes to the Met officers in how to behave.

“The most important feature of being a bully is not to terrorise people you perceive to have less power than yourselves, although that is very important. The badge of success though is to get away with it. Then you get to do it again. And again.”

The classes will start immediately and any police officer who falls below the standard expected by the Home Secretary will be for it.

“They’ll be locked in a toilet cubicle during lunch break. They will be let out sooner or late, but they’ll be giving a royal flush first. Ms Patel will be hands on with the punishments and the beatings will continue until morale improves.”

HOLY FATHER WHO ART ON A PLINTH : Women have been causing trouble ever since they were given the vote but Brexit Britain isn’t going to put up with it!

The government of the Democratic People’s Republic of Brexitannia is taking a positive step today to remind women where they stand in the list of things that are important. It will do this with our greatest national symbol.

“Brexitannia had to co-op all the aspects of our countries long and glorious past and distil them into something that would only make sense to an idiot,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “Unfortunately over recent days too many women are revealing themselves not to be idiots, unless of course they are in government. But we are going to strike back! And strike back fast.”

The form of the response appears to be the decision to blindfold the statue of Winston Churchill so women can’t offend it.

“The offense caused to the statue by the micro-aggressions of protesting women can not be underestimated. Have you seen our latest export figures? Have you heard the rumours of negative interest rates? Do you know of our souring relations with everyone else on planet Earth? This is because women are offending the living statue and the rest of the world isn’t going to stand for it! And neither are we.”

But for those worried about the quality of life of the Winston Churchill statue there is a further measure of reassurance.

“Women will be confined to the home, under curfew, daily at a time to be determined. Presumably at the time the average family normally has its food prepared. During this safe space the statue will have its blindfold removed and a Spitfire paraded before it. By men of patriotic standing. You’ll be able to spot them, they’ll have on St George flag t-shirts and massive beer bellies.”

There are further plans to have women who have offended the statue abase themselves before it. They will be revealed in due course, once the statue has recovered from its recent, traumatic experience.

GOOSE STEPPING FOR BREXIT : Great strides this week in the taking back control department as the government seeks to bring in a new law to crush dissent.

The new bill to be introduced, and jammed as rapidly as possible through a parliament of the comatose, will mean dissenters get what’s coming to them in Brexitannia.

“It’s the swill of the people,” Tory MP for Gulag, Lord Phash Boot, told LCD Views. “Making a success of Global Britain is all about fear and intimidation and. Sorry. I misspoke. It’s about crushing dissent as proper in a democracy. Hang on. I shouldn’t have had that E. I keep telling the truth. I’ll get back to you later when I’ve come down.”

Clearly the workings of the Duma can not be interrupted by traitors standing around outside making their voices heard, in response to the deafness of elected officials.

“The workings of the Supreme People’s Assembly must be unhindered by one or two stubborn individuals with a placard who refuse to believe basing your country’s future on lies and electoral fraud will make it a success,” our legal eagle observes.

“This new law to be introduced by Priti Patel will bring down the risk of serious porridge for doing such scandalous things as accurately shouting out descriptions of Tory MPs as they pass.”

10 years?

“Maximum. It may only end up being 9 years with good behaviour. Just watch your language. Don’t use four letter words no matter how instinctive the response when you see a minister. Actually, best not to talk at all. It’s what taking back control is all about.”

SUNLIT UPLANDS: Brexit is done, we are in the promised land, business is booming, the NHS is getting loads of extra dosh. So, if everything in the garden is rosy, why is the government so keen to remove the right to protest? 

“There is literally nothing to protest about,” said everyman Manon de Street. “The only one still protesting is that one chap who still loves the EU, even though we left democratically and everything is much better now.” 

De Street wasn’t the only person utterly confused by the surprise move by the Home Office. 

“To be honest, things have never looked better,” claimed everywoman Lauren Twerself. “I’m already planning local street parties to celebrate our British Fish, British wind, and British ice cubes from Norway, just as soon as covid is done. It won’t be long now, I get instant updates thanks to the 5G chip in the vaccine!” 

LCD Views naturally contacted Priti Patel’s office for an official explanation. 

“Since there is no need to protest in public, ever again, it seemed a good time to slip this legislation under the radar,” said spokesman Litta Lyer. “We are in permanent paradise. Therefore any protests would be fake. This is a public order issue, and we are ordering the public to shut up.” 

The right, now the obligation, to remain silent. That is democracy of course. 

“We have now won the War on Woke,” continued Lyer. “The public must respect this, and go back to sleep. It is not their business to question us!” 

And why would anyone question such a benevolent regime? Money now literally grows on trees, at least if you support the government it does. 

And with the penalty for defacing the statue of a slave trader now set at ten years, our history is safe. 

Everything is wonderful. Pour yourself another glass of British champagne! 

EXIT VIA THE GIFT SHOP : THE ROYAL MINT has released a new bank note this morning to better assist the Secretary of State for Health and Social Care doing his vital work during the pandemic.

The assistance comes in the form of a new bank note, “The Matt”, which is a one million pound note produced specifically for the purchase of PPE from friends of Matt.

“You won’t get this in your change at the off licence, don’t worry!” an aide to the friendly Health Secretary told LCD Views. “Unless you run a shop next to the home of one of Matt’s friends. Or near to where someone who once spoke kindly to Hancock at a party lives. Then I guess you may have to give change in exchange for a Matt.”

While the new banknote is not the first to be issued in the denomination, it is the first to honour a serving secretary of state.

“Matt is really chuffed. He can now pay for PPE supplies, that may or may not work, with cold hard cash. It’s much nicer. More personal than simply moving figures about on a computer screen from the taxpayers’ bank account to some guy who poured him a pint once.”

But there is some hope for ordinary Britons who worry they’ll never get to hold a Matt in their hands, especially now that he’s such a celebrity befriending him is becoming increasingly difficult.

“All is good time. Once the impact of a lethal and bungled pandemic policy and Brexit flow into the domestic economy you’ll be using Matts to pay for loaves of bread. Wheelbarrows of them.”

BOB A JOB : A DEEP STUDY THAT PROBED THE CREVICES AND DEPTHS OF THE U.K. LABOUR MARKET HAS CONCLUDED THAT BEING A SECRETARY OF STATE IN BORIS JOHNSON’S GOVERNMENT IS CURRENTLY THE MOST SECURE FORM OF EMPLOYMENT POSSIBLE.

”It beats being any other public sector worker hands down,” Mr Jizzphang, lead researcher at Wall Paint Study Forum told LCD Views. “It used to be that being a minister was very insecure. You could be in the door one day and out the door the next. But not now. Now it’s essentially a free for all. Break any law you like. Be as incompetent and malicious as you like. Ministerial code of conduct? Ha! That’s for idiots. Nothing is getting you fired. Don’t sweat it. The majority of the media will have you back too. And laughably, the official opposition won’t even go for you. It’s watertight.”

The underlying reason for the strength of employment protection was put down to Brexit.

“Brexit is going to make masses unemployed and impoverished. Only to be expected, given its a mass transfer of wealth and power to an autocratic state. But Secretary of State? Do you support Brexit? You’re sound. Don’t sweat it. The PM needs all the human shields he can get, and you’ll be very well rewarded.”

Further reinforcement is provided by the personality of the prime minister himself.

“He has zero behavioural standards, therefore he’ll encourage the worst in his underlings and reward them for it with his protection. It’s a positive feedback loop that helps Johnson psychologically shield himself from awareness of his ineptness and depravity. Exceptionally symbiotic. Just not for the general public. But who cares?”

But while being in the ministerial car maybe secure it is surprisingly not the most profitable in filthy lucre.

“It’s not the most lucrative. No. That’s PPE supply to the U.K. government. Just phone up Matt Hancock.”

CLEAR AS MUD: Now the court case that has cleared up government opaqueness is over, naughty Matt Hancock is to get a new job. 

His decision to reveal information on the public interest, when finally obliged to by a court of law, and only six months later than he should have done, means that he is the best man for the job. 

The logic is impeccable. The anti-corruption champion is married to the utterly corrupt Dido Harding. The Clandestine Channel Threat Commander is believed to be a pirate. The most responsible job in the country is held by the most irresponsible man imaginable. It follows that the Transparency Minister should be a man who, the court proved, concealed information illegally. 

Awarding an important role to somebody totally unsuited to it is nothing new, but the current government has elevated the practice to world beating new heights. 

Yes, it’s Matt Hancock, the man who cares so much about NHS workers that he gave them all a badge once. And clapped for them. But never shook the magic money tree in their direction. 

Oddly enough, Hancock instead watched squillions of pounds flutter gently into the capacious pockets of sundry Tory chums and sycophants, racing fraternity mates, and acquaintances from his local pub. 

It’s clear there has been a misunderstanding. Little Matt has been working night and day, straining every sinew, tirelessly fighting the War On Coronavirus. He can be forgiven for his occasional mistakes, and it’s clearly not cricket for the courts to disclose them. 

So, even though he has no spare time whatsoever, Hancock has another responsibility. He will ensure that glass ceilings become concrete, waters are muddied, and government websites crash as soon as they go live. 

Democracy, clarity, accountability. These words now mean the exact opposite of what they should. And the snotty news media should remember which side they are on, and wave the flag for Britain! 

CULTURE WAR! UH! WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR : THE RACE TO PARTIALLY VACCINATE THE UK IS ON, and it’s important that no one is forgotten.

To this end Downing Street are getting their priorities right, as supplies of the vaccine are currently limited, so now that the most famous pandemic rule breaker, Stanley Johnson, is fully jabbed up, it’s time to protect other historical relics.

“We need to protect our history from those who would properly understand it,” an aide to Robert Jenrick, Secretary of State for Pork Barrelling, told LCD Views. “To this end we are straining every sinew to protect the statues of famous British slavers. Every though they don’t have any sinews themselves.”

While the vaccine roll out itself is going ahead well, because it’s being done by the NHS, with some measure of political interference, the task of vaccinating the statues has been left to the experts.

“It wasn’t easy to find a Tory donor to give the statue vaccination contract to, but in the end we did, we found several of them. All have received multi-million pound contracts and all are rolling in it.”

And thanks to the fast actions of government the statues will now be safe from the virus as it is today, and whatever it inevitably mutates into tomorrow as the government stuffs about in the pandemic.

“Protecting our history has never been more important,” the aide adds. “Especially in the current climate when we are busy rewriting it. If the slaver’s statues topple, calls for reparations may follow, and we won’t stand for it in bronze or marble.”

HAVE I GOT ROTTING FISH FOR YOU : The media is full of reports for days of British fish dying happily because they know they’ll rot on a British dock.

But it’s not just the fish that are dying, it appears great swathes of the industry itself is laying on the dock gasping and flapping about.

The impact of the fishing industry is of course completely unexpected.

What use a shoals of trade experts warning of ruin when world famous trade expert Nigel Farage said otherwise? Who needs to research such credible claims from such august public figures?

People have, after all, had quite enough of experts. They want dark money funded bigots to confirm their biases and encourage their greed instead.

“But it’s not just Farage, Prime Minister Johnson deserves due praise indeed,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “You know Mr Johnson? Boris? He’s the guy in that Tory party conference film who refuses to shake hands with the black attendees in a line up.”

Mr Johnson, famous clown, amateur rugby player, father to uncounted children and poster boy of Brexit. He did it all with a smirk and eye catching stunts. And he promised the world. And he made voters laugh.

“It is his world beating ability to entertain that makes him a box office draw at the ballot box,” the insider adds, “who needs those boring politicians who drone on about reality when you can watch a big kid in a hard hat smash down some polystyrene boxes with a forklift! What a hoot!”

But now it seems the laughing is dying away, just like the industry Brexit promised to promote.

“British fishermen should take solace,” the source reminds us. “Their industry may lose countless small traders, but before we got to this point millions had a good old laugh at Boris. Al to his friends. No. No. Not you fisherman. To you he’ll always be Boris.”