Category: Defence Matters

BRAIN OF BRITAIN : Human bin-fire Dominic Rabid Raab has made good use of the Prime Minister’s holiday lifestyle to make important changes to the UK’s security arrangements.

“The deputy prime minister has stepped up to the plate to secure the U.K. after everyone else failed us so terribly over Afghanistan, while he was on Crete,” a throbbing vein on Mr Raab’s temple told LCD Views. “I can’t believe how incompetent everyone is. How workshy. How clueless. Dom is livid. Which is actually a healthy colour for gammon.”

The action taken by the Foreign Secretary regards the future of the U.K. as a nuclear armed power.

“Dom read that report that says Scotland is now independent,” the vein explains, “which was a total shock as he had only recently appreciated that Scotland was in a Union with England and some other place. Apparently they’ve left because we didn’t do Brexit properly and they feel robbed. That’s what Dom thinks. And then he saw that the French and Nicola Sturgeon were planning to steal Trident and sell it to the Americans so he’s acted decisively and swiftly.”

The action is said to involve former adversaries of the U.K. who the Johnson government now believe are potentially reliable partners. This is because to take any other line would be to admit to a gross dereliction of duty and honour by the U.K. government.

“The Taliban readily agreed to give the Trident submarines a safe harbour in their inland ocean west of Kabul,” the vein throbs. “We just need to give them twenty four hours notice when we want to fire the nukes and our seat on the UN Security Council is safe too. Dom is proud. He’s even let them keep the portrait of Queen Elizabeth as a token of thanks.”

But there’s more.

“He’s also arranged for Liz Truss to send them some cheese,” the vein swoons. “It’s the beginning of a very special relationship. Which is great because we need a new one after some idiot ruined the last one.”

THE SUNLIT UPLANDS ARE IN SIGHT: Britain’s greatest ever export commodity, war, is being delivered to France right now. 50 years of oppressive EU rule prevented this. It’s a tangible benefit at long last. 

According to the Foreign Secretary, warships have been dispatched to Jersey, which is allegedly near France. This represents a huge improvement in Dominic Raab’s geography skills. 

Rumours that Raab was supposed to attack Germany, not Jersey, have little basis in fact. 

“This is a massive victory for Brexit Britain!” claimed Jack Boot at the Department of Delicate Negotiations. “For 50 years now, the EU has demanded that we were friendly with France, our natural enemy. The EU flag should have been a white flag of surrender! But now we have the Freedom and Sovereignty to invade when we please, and put the cheese eating surrender monkeys in their place!”

Boot was coy about the ultimate ambition of the new war, beyond taunting the French and finally getting revenge on the soldiers who farted in our general direction. 

But you can extrapolate. The USA bombs the Middle East in order to install western democracy. The UK tends to mimic the USA in a very amateur, British way. So the ultimate aim must be to make France’s government like the UK’s. 

“That’s what levelling up involves,” Boot confirmed. “Dragging the French down to our level. I mean, dragging them up by their bootstraps. Then we can oversee free and fair elections, which will guarantee a government in the image of a true British democracy.” 

The timing of this invasion, immediately before an election, is completely coincidental. As are Conservative Party campaign leaflets reading “Vote for us if you want to see the French crushed in battle!” 

After all, a long and ultimately futile campaign, involving vast expense, no benefits, and a lowering of standards across the board, will appeal to everyone who thinks Brexit is a good idea. 

DON’T TELL ‘EM, PIKE: Gunboat diplomacy is being elevated to another level. British Fish are being armed to prevent French fish from trespassing in British waters.

This initiative is being spearheaded by the Ministry of Defence, and personally sticklebacked by the Fish Tzar John Redwood. The scale of the operation obscures the fact that the UK actually has bigger fish to fry.

“This is a whale of a task,” explained underwater armaments consultant Mariana Trench. “”Fish are slippery and unreliable buggers at the best of times. But they tend to go around in schools, and all the schools have been closed thanks to Covid-19.”

Trench was not over-enthusiastic about the job she has been assigned to perform.

“I think that Brexit has been nailed to its perch, quite frankly,” she said in a forthright manner. “There’s plenty of Free Movement in the North Sea. Most of them don’t know if they are fish or poisson. The government is truly floundering if they think this is a good idea!”

It’s a commonly held belief that the current government has had its chips.

“Yet they carry on in this utterly shellfish manner!” exclaimed Trench, crabbily. “They have spawned a monster, and shoaled us down the river. And for what? A few inedible, unsaleable fish! I expect that they will be squids in, though.”

How will the British Fish distinguish French poisson?

“Simple, apparently they smell of garlic and drive on the right,” she carped. “Government guidelines? I think they were written by a clownfish with a Cod-given gift for dreadful puns.”

Which weapons will the fish use?

“The submarine equivalent of air rifles,” said Trench. “Water pistols.”

And how will the fish pull the trigger on their guns?

“They have already been armed,” observes Trench with sturgeon-like precision. “Now all they need is fish fingers.”

FIRE ALL TUBES : MODERN DAY SCULLEN SKINK, BORIS “AL TO DONORS” JOHNSON, HAS ANNOUNCED A PLAN TO SECURE ALL FISH IN THE SEA FOR BRITAIN.

The people’s prime minister made the announcement today over Zoom, while cosplaying as Captain Birdseye.

“I have nothing to promise you but fish today and fish tomorrow,” the PM began, before pausing to take off his hat, ruffle his hair, perv at some adult websites, feverishly text a violist, and finally return to the slippery issue at hand.

“I have today instructed our WORLD BEATING maritime and naval scientists to begin work IMMEDIATELY on a BRITISH FISH TORPEDO. A munition so powerful that when it explodes in any school of fish they will INSTANTLY become BRITISH.”

What the French and Norwegians will think of this the Prime Minister didn’t allude to specifically, but it’s certain to “have our foreign FISHY FOES discombobulated as schools of FRENCH FLOUNDER explode in an underwater detonation of SOVEREIGNTY.”

It’s expected that the schools of fish will “most obviously home then to the land of their birth and await like WELL TRAINED DOGFISH to be SCOOPED UP IN BRITISH FISHING NETS”.

But critics have pointed out that the plan for the British Fish Torpedo has one startling flaw.

“It will blow them up,” a fisherman said, “which is at least in keeping with what Brexit threatens for our entire industry.”

But gloomsayer’s concerns aside, the plan will go ahead like all of Boris Johnson’s big ideas and is expected to explode in our faces upon completion.

FIELD MARSHALL TWAT : THE MOST POWERFUL MAN IN ENGLAND, Dominic Cummings, is currently completing his first ever defence review.

“The verdict is in,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “spending money on the army is a complete waste of time when your entire policy platform is exactly what your enemies want.”

It seems the five minutes Dom spent reading a famous book about defence policy in the early 90’s taught him everything he needs to know for a complete do over.

“We send millions every week to the army when we could better send it to tax havens instead,” the source went on, “a defence set up fit for the 21st century is coming.”

And it seems Dom is drawing on personal experience in reshaping the armed forces.

“He led the very successful coup against the British state in 2016-ongoing. And what was the most powerful weapon in the arsenal? A bus. That’s all the British Army needs.”

What will be written on the bus isn’t clear, but it’s understood that Dom will conduct focus groups to identify the most powerful slogan.

And it’s not just the army that is in for a shake down, the RAF and Navy are too.

“The Navy is going to be replaced with nudge theory. Basically Farage in an inflatable in the Channel with a long stick. He’ll literally nudge our enemies back to the Continent. The RAF will be one Spitfire, leased for £108m a flight from a private contractor.”

But what if the Army pushes back?

“Then Dom will go down and sort them out in his own way, and they won’t like that. No one voted for Dom. They voted for a lazy chancer instead who is happy to let Dom do whatever he wants. The people have decided and they’ve decided on a bus.”

LONG RUNNING GOVERNMENT IT PROJECTS : PRIME MINISTER FOR LIFE, BORIS JOHNSON, has already let it be known that genius brain box, Dominic ‘keep’ Cummings, has been given carte blanche to reform the UK’s civil service and defence. This is now bearing fruit.

Under changes being revealed today the RAF will be a pilot scheme for a re-organisation of the UK’s defence forces, in line with the gig economy business models.

“RAFer will deliver substantial savings to the public purse,” Defence Minister, Mr Know One-asear’dof, told a packed press conference in White Hall, “the savings will be passed on to married, Conservative voting couples via tax breaks. This is not about cynical electioneering in advance of the 2020 general election, to bribe moderate Conservative voters to stick with us via financial self interest. This is about modernising outdated systems for the modern age.”

But criticism of the pilot scheme has already begun with many claiming RAFer is not British enough.

“It’s the carte blanche that worries me,” Tory MP, A P Otato, told LCD Views, in a sign that even a large parliamentary majority doesn’t ensure turbulence free governance, “carte blanche sounds a bit French to me. I am a little concerned the MOD may have been infiltrated by Brussels? Surely the prime minister’s unelected advisor should have been given something more British, like free range? Like a good egg?”

What the RAF’s pilots think about the change isn’t clear. Although most will presumably already have and use Uber, so RAFer should be easy enough to navigate.

Labour’s defence spokesman is unconvinced though, but he was too busy undergoing a purity of essence test, in the hope of remaining part of the new shadow cabinet, and was unavailable for comment.

LCD Views would like to commend the government for its radical reforms, but we are just a bit worried that RAF pilots won’t be fully self-employed, as they maybe able to supply their own planes, but they can’t accept combat missions without the government app, so doesn’t that make them employees still? Isn’t there the risk that the savings to the taxpayer maybe reduced by employee related law suits down the line? We shall see.

Air defence – there’s an app for that!