Category: Brexit

EU AND EU AND EU : BRITAIN’S SUPERMARKET SHELVES are running out of food and no one in government seems that bothered about it. Publicly. To be fair, it’s not too much the focus of anyone elected to parliament who’s not in government either. It’s a balanced approach. But some Global Britons are wondering where the gaps in the shops will lead?

Why isn’t it a focus of MPs? Do they want the entire country on its knees?

Will action be taken to reverse the trend of worsening trends? How long until the food riots? Questions. Questions. It’s clearly all part of the levelling up agenda. The Tories have overseen a booming food bank sector and gotten away with it. Now let’s see if they can have millions more go hungry and get away with that too. If you were a feudally minded disaster capitalist what would you do?

The one thing that is certain though is it won’t be the fault of the Westminster government. It will be the fault of the EU. Reliability is a British watchword. And in blaming the EU for the problems our politicians create, our politicians are more consistent than a Tesco fresh fruit and veg delivery.

The one thing you can be sure of is this situation will get worse before it gets better. Why the EU is punishing us by refusing to force its HGV drivers to jump through Priti Patel’s expensive new hoops to deliver food for us is anyone’s guess? Spitefulness I suppose.

How long will the Great British Public persist in expecting common sense to return to Great British Governance is anyone’s guess? Just buy the Express and blame the EU.

There is one small crumb of comfort, as you push the empty trolley up and down the emptying aisles in your local supermarket. Your government has ended Freedom of Movement once and for all, and was so bloody proud of that. But before long the idiots will need to conceal that they’re reversing that…

BLAMEDEMIC : The pandemic has come in for a lot of flack in recent months but none more so now that it is attacking the holy grail of British politics.

“It’s undermining our sovereignty,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “If it wasn’t for the pandemic we’d have had that trade deal with India sorted. Not a problem. Boris would have flown over there on AirDumb One and they would have fallen at his feet and accepted any terms whatsoever. But no, no, a little strand of RNA thought different. And here we are. It’s so depressing we’re having to lengthen our lunches just to make up more excuses for not choosing elimination as the focus of our pandemic strategy.”

Although the inability of Downing Street to grasp reducing the number of people dying prematurely is actually good for the country, at least the French champagne producers are seeing a benefit.

“No fear there. Boris and his chums will personally see that Champagne stays a wealthy wine growing area, regardless of whatever swill they try and push on us from Kent. Maybe we should blame English sparkling wine producers for undermining Brexit? Most of them wanted it. You’d think they’d be able to make a success of it.”

CV-19 was sought for comment in response to being blamed for undermining Brexit, but responded it was “far too busy making hay now that testing is in decline”.

Brexit was similarly reticent to comment, directing all enquires to “My agents at 10 Downing Street – they’ll make a titanic success of commenting on it”. They are after all the ones “entirely responsible for the form I (Brexit) took and the appalling management of the pandemic.”

The blame for the ongoing shortage of lorry drivers and for empty supermarket shelves is the fault of remainers, according to a government spokesman.

‘We wouldn’t be where we are now if more people had voted in favour of EU membership in June 2016,’ said Jason Pratt on behalf of Lord Frost. ‘I mean, it stands to reason that if the chattering classes in Hampstead and the so-called red wall voters in the north had actually got off their backsides and voted in favour of membership, we wouldn’t be in the mess we are now. So it’s their fault, innit?’

Lord Frost later said that the EU has to accept some of the blame.

‘Did you ever hear them warning the hard working fishermen, farmers and transport companies that leaving the EU would result in a loss of their livelihood, shortages of food, the return of the troubles in Northern Ireland and rats the size of otters roaming unchecked through the streets of our fair cities? I certainly didn’t, and why not? Because the BBC and mainstream media were too busy telling us that everything would be nice, so they’re to blame as well.’

Michael Gove, Minister without Point, waded in to the controversy. ‘If only the experts had warned us of the dangers of closing our borders and leaving the largest trading block in the world rather than banging on about getting our sovereignty back, having our cake* and eating it, and how grateful Brits would at last be able to pick cabbages* in a muddy field in Norfolk in January for £3 ph.’

Kevin Pastie, a lorry driver, said, ‘I’ve been stuck in this queue for so long now, that Kent council have told me I need planning permission. It’s disgusting that no-one told Mr Farage what would happen. I blame Jeremy Corbyn.’

*cabbages and cake subject to availability. Only one item per customer.

HANG YOUR HEADS IN SHAME : Tony Blair isn’t often out of the news and he’s back dead centre today, alongside Gordon Brown, after 10 Downing Street launched an inquiry into the HGV driver shortage.

The inquiry is to be headed up by supreme Tory party intellect Andrew Bridgen and will focus on the last Labour government’s attempts to educate the populace. Mr Bridgen is well regarded as a tour de force of Conservative thinking, largely due to his competition.

“It’s shocking what Labour did,” Mr Bridgen told an empty box of cereal. “They done give the kids education. What’s that all for? We need field serfs not scientists. We need chimney sweeps not doctors. We need knocker uppers to make sure the PM gets home before light, not entrepenopeners. I didn’t get where I am today by being educated. You can tell by my every utterance that my own education was sorely lacking. I got here because I’ve a deep sense of insecurity that could only be soothed by bullying people weaker than me. Daily. That’s why I became a Tory MP.”

It’s likely of course that if Mr Bridgen hadn’t settled on politics he would have become a HGV driver.

“It’s only because I didn’t learn Latin that I couldn’t become a HGV driver,” Mr Bridgen illuminates. “The last Labour government has a lot to answer for. Education, education, education was all very well if you’re prepared to fund it out of a basic recognition that the strength of a country is reliant on its education system. Well, that’s not us.”

The inquiry is expected to be wrapped up by lunchtime and its findings delivered on Mr Bridgen’s twitter feed.

“The last Labour government have a lot to answer for,” Mr Bridgen is seething. “Not least the attempts to stop kids turning into gammon.”

CRISIS IS OPPORTUNITY : British Prime Minister Boris Johnson is reported to love chaos as he believes it makes him the focus, and he’s certainly adept at creating crisis after crisis. He presumably feels he is now everyone’s focus, just as he wanted.

However there is thought to be concern building within the Executive that the current crisis, the one about food, may soon become a bigger focus than even the idiot who engineered it. Swift action is called for.

“That’s why we’ve ordered the Ministry of Defence to draw up plans to invade Suez and seize the Suez Channel,” an automaton, repurposed from its original purpose as a vacuum cleaner, told LCD Views. “Although we’re doubtful the bloody French will go along with it this time around. Mind you it’s their fault we failed in the 1950’s. This time, with Johnson at the helm, it will work out different. This is Empire 2.0 in action.”

It’s hoped the manufacturing of an “easy and winnable” war in North Africa will help boost the PM’s ratings now that the much celebrated vaccine bounce appears to be fading.

“We’ll park the new aircraft carrier off the coast and demand whoever is currently running Egypt hand us the keys to the canal,” the source informs. “After that we’ll have Raab go ashore and plant the Union Flag at the entrance to the Suez Channel and get back home in time for the victory parade. It’s impossible to see any drawbacks to this idea. Get Suez Done! The slogan wrote itself.”

But critics within the government are thought to be asking how the invasion of Egypt will help with domestic food supply problems?

“The Nile is famous as a horticultural landscape. We’ll just ship back whatever food we need once we control the place,” the source shrugs. “Mr Johnson has thought of it all personally. He’s planning it right now with Captain Bollinger.”

OPERATION DUDKIRK : Across the plains of Norfolk, in the valleys and dales of West Sussex, on the searing mountain tops of Hertfordshire the great people of Great Britain are increasingly asking “What will we do when the supermarkets run out of food?” Lucky for Brits the PM has the answer!

It’s becoming clearer day by day that the slackers running the UK’s food supply chains aren’t up to the job of coping with Boris Johnson’s Brexit. This is in spite of been given a full half an hour to prepare for it once the PM hosted that hilarious Commons vote late last year to get the necessary fig leaf from Parliament. MPs from both major parties in England turned up to vote through his Oven Ready Brexit Deal. They played their part, even though the vote had zero legal force and all they were doing was validating Johnson’s chaos. It’s not as if the UK’s system of governance is no longer fit for porpoise, or dolphin.

“They then expected the UK’s hauliers and retailers to do their part,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views. “But they haven’t. They’ve let us all done badly. What’s so bally difficult about taking food from a port to a shop? How have the UK’s supply chains failed the government so badly?”

How indeed. It’s clear who is to blame but what was not clear until today was what would we do about it? Happily we have a PM who is obsessed with smearing himself with Churchill references.

“We’re calling it Operation Dudkirk,” the source says. “This is because the supermarkets and hauliers are duds. Just ask Boris! But Great Britain won’t be so readily defeated by a delusional self image of itself in the 21st Century! We’re fighting back! And the PM is leading the charge.”

While the PM won’t be physically leading any charge, except perhaps into a fridge, he will be doing his part and issuing the rallying cry to save shoppers.

“He’s going to make a speech later this afternoon and call on tens of thousands of British motorists to go to Dover! Unload those damn baskets of fresh produce and dry goods yourself. Then take them across the great sweep of the British isles to UK supermarkets. Fill those shelves Britons! It’s your duty. Let the missing HGV drivers feel the great heat of the shame they have visited upon us.”

BLINDSIDED : The mood in 10 Downing Street is reported as “livid verging on creosote” today after the failure of anyone to take the blame for the worsening U.K. food supply crisis.

It’s believed the Prime Minister himself was “almost put off his quail eggs and caviar” this morning as report after report attempted to “bore him senseless” over the issue.

The problem appears to largely be the fault of the German automotive sector which is yet to “fulfil the great visionary David Davis’s prediction of saving Brexit” which now risks the real possibility of Mr Johnson having his “long lunch” interminably irritated by supply chain shortages.

“Everyone should rest assured the Prime Minister’s personal food supplies are unaffected, and will remain unaffected, by any Brexit teething problems impacting on supermarket supply chains,” a 10 Downing Street source said. “The Army is on standby to ensure he remains well fed.”

But that will be of little comfort once “a culprit is identified and the blame for the empty shelves is attributed” and said individual risks “waiting longer for a peerage”.

An inquiry is to be launched to determine why no one at all warned of the impeding crisis when “Mr Johnson was dicking about the French with his idea of brinkmanship”.

Happily the problems will shortly be resolved by “throwing anyone breathing into the cab of a HGV and ordering them to drive to Dover”.

There are no other negative impacts of Brexit expected and everyone can look forward to filling their trolleys to the brim again once “Priti Patel accepts that unwinding the end of Freedom of Movement is expected”.

LESS IS MORE : 10 Downing Street is making a strong move today to ease concerns over the collapsing UK food supply chain.

The need for determined action from the Executive comes as a result of no logistic expert ever warning of any possible issues with food supply following his chosen Brexit.

“To be honest Boris Johnson is deeply irritated that all the so called experts never once raised any concerns his form of Brexit could lead to difficulties for UK consumers,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “and now he finds himself having to pick up the slack. The entire sector has let him down.”

And there’s a lot of slack to pick up as the food sector appears to be just “too chilled over the growing shortages in British shops.”

It’s said there is particular irritation that the sector doesn’t know its history.

“Mr Johnson is a famous historian,” the Downing Street source continues. “He’s particularly irritated that no one in the supermarket industry seems to be aware of the WW2 Atlantic convoys that fed Britain, or the fact it hasn’t been self reliant on food for centuries. Their ignorance is undermining his Brexit.”

Happily for hungry UK families Mr Johnson has a plan to boost morale until the mess is sorted.

“He’s signing an executive order which will force UK supermarkets to replace those dull cardboard shelf fillers with actual 3D holograms of food. They’ll be so realistic your mouth will water. He believes the moment your child’s hand passes through the hologram of an apple and discovers it’s not real will be a true moment of excitement. Gaping mouths and clapping hands are expected.”

The decision is also a boon to the UK tech industry which will have to rapidly “upscale” its “R&D” into holograms.

“Boris couldn’t be prouder about this tech based remedy if famous mega-genius Dom had thought of it.”

FREEDOM OF SHORTAGES : The media has been rabble rousing for days about a shortage of staff in several sectors, but in particular HGV drivers and hospitality staff. Happily Downing Street has worked with the Home Secretary to solve the crisis.

“We’re taking a several pronged approach,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “like some sort of super fork. That’s why we’ve called the initiative Operation Fork. We’ve put a fork in hospitality shortages!”

The ready availability of a slogan to promote the fight back, but no actual considered policy detail, will bring cheer to anyone who is unfortunate enough to be worried about closing British businesses.

“Ultimately it’s the responsibility of the great British public who overwhelmingly voted back in 2016 to have hospitality and driver shortages. Some traitors are saying it’s Priti Patel’s fault for ending Freedom of Movement without half a thought to the consequences. But that is wrong. The policy encapsulates her full thinking capacity on any issue, which is exactly half a thought. Which is thus a full measure in her half a pint glass. See? We should all be very proud.”

But critics within the government are said to think Operation Fork is a waste of taxpayer cash which should have gone straight into the pockets of a Tory Party donor.

“This is a problem which will resolve itself if the nanny state just keeps out of it,” Batshit Crazy, Tory MP for Any Constituency, told LCD Views. “It won’t be long before the HGV driver shortage means the hospitality sector closes anyway for want of stock. So why the handwringing over bloody foreigners? That’s not how you make a success of Empire 2.0! You make it a success by doing as we’ve been doing in the pandemic. VIP lane for cash transfers away from the public. Nothing else is an outcome worthy of focus. This is a damning loss of focus.”

Whatever the arguments the PM will still be dressing as a chef for a day sometime in the coming week, now his self isolation is over.

“He’s going to dress as a chef from the Muppets,” the Downing Street source confirms, “the reality of the situation is of no consequence so long as Johnson is enjoying himself. That’s really all that matters, to this government.”

IF IT AIN’T BROKE, FIX IT ANYWAY: Ice cold Brexit chief Lord Frost has issued the ultimate ultimatum. He is to tell his EU counterparts that, because they were so European, they forced Brexit on us, so now they must sort out the current deadlock over Northern Ireland. 

Frost has expressed “deep dismay” at the way the Northern Ireland Protocol, that he negotiated, and that Boris Johnson sold as “oven ready”, actually operates. 

“It doesn’t solve the problem of the Irish border,” Frost announced today. “There should be no border, anywhere. That is our priority!” 

But there is a land border, like it or not, with the EU. 

“There shouldn’t be!” retorted Frost. “This is Ireland’s fault for not leaving the EU with the rest of England, even though we told them it would solve all our problems!” 

Ireland said no, but you still went ahead regardless. 

“In full expectation that the EU would snap into line with us!” he snapped. “They failed to align with us, so the problems are theirs!” 

Didn’t the EU supply some solutions to the difficulties caused by the Protocol? 

“Yes, but they didn’t suggest what we expected them to suggest,” said Frost suggestively. “So we had to reject them out of hand. This intransigence is getting us nowhere.” 

At last, something we can agree upon. What if the EU managed to read your mind and offer everything you wanted? 

“No, that’s no good at all,” replied Frost. “The EU forced this on us, the EU must solve all the problems, and we must reject everything, because we suspect that otherwise the Germans will sneak something subtle past us to get their revenge for beating them in Euro 2020.”

Which means that your attitude guarantees stalemate, the obstacles will never be overcome, and the UK will sink into obscurity. 

“Yes, but that’s not important,” said Frost. “The real issue is making sure that the EU is to blame for the situation.” 

If it’s broke, don’t fix it, just blame somebody else?

“In a nutshell, yes.”