Category: Brexit

The economic undertaker produced a sobering prediction for the citizens of the thoroughly United Kingdom today with the budget forecast that everyone in Britain will be getting smaller in the coming years.

LCD Views spoke to a leading nutritionist to find out the root cause.

“Vegetables,” Professor Pot Ato declared, “we are turning into a nation of vegetables. Have you seen any root vegetable as tall as a giraffe? Too much time in the dark. Not enough foliage.”

This stark forecast reverses a trend of Britons gaining in stature year on year for many years.

“We’ll be too small to sit on any international tribunals before too long. And forget going for items on the high shelves, the prestige stuff, without a ladder. Best look in your grandparent’s shed and see if they’ve one stashed. Or your parents may have one hidden under the bed.”

But how to turn it around?

“Stop watching reality TV and go for a run would be a good start. Eat more vegetables. Try and vary your diet, if you haven’t already. Not so much of that rubbish they advertise in the tabloids. Get some fibre in. Food with research behind it.”

Is there anything the Chancellor could do with his calculator to have an immediate impact?

“He could scrap the billions he’s setting aside for that national identity scheme for one. Put it into nutrition and schools. But I doubt he’ll do it. Most of his colleagues survive on junk food. There would be a revolt.”

Scrapping the new national identity scheme does seem controversial. The current government has staked its entire survival on turning everyone into a Saint George flag, in spite of the protests of some minor voices outside England.

“We could just accept it. Bury ourselves in the dark like seed potatoes and see what we grow into?” the professor mused, surprisingly, “but for that to work we’re going to have to absorb an outrageous amount of shit. And personally I can’t stomach it.”

Branches of The Samaritans across the country have been placed on red alert. The UK has shown itself to be determined to commit economic suicide, and is refusing to back down.  

The Samaritans will not intervene without a direct request. However it is believed that the cry for help may come at any time. All leave has been cancelled for the brave volunteers who man the phones.

The state of mind of the UK has been in question for some time. Mostly, the bad voices have been kept under control. However, a serious lapse of judgement in 2016 has allowed the suicide advocates to take control.

The Autumn Budget is likely to be a critical point. It could prompt the UK to make the call. Alternatively, it could force the UK even closer to the precipice.

Skilled negotiators are already trying to talk the UK down off the cliff edge. It appears that the UK is refusing to listen to reason. Instead, all advice not corresponding with the bad voices in the head is dismissed as coming from saboteurs, mutineers, or, most damningly, experts.

LCD Views spoke to mental health guru Dr Ed Case. “Many mental issues can be resolved with cognitive behaviour therapy, or CBT,” stated Dr Case. “This involves educating the subject to recognise the signs that the bad voices are becoming louder, and teaching strategies to counter them.”

Dr Case gave examples and case histories, before concluding: “In the most severe instances, a patient must be sectioned for their own protection. This is what Brexit will achieve. The UK will be isolated from the rest of the world and sedated until the worst is over. Then a cautious period of re-education and rehabilitation will be undertaken. When sufficient progress has been made, CBT will allow the UK to avoid future trauma.”

Meanwhile, the state of emergency at The Samaritans look unlikely to be lifted any time soon.

The Westminster bubble is at bursting point with excitement this afternoon with the stunning news that Tony “T-Bone” Blair has accepted the new and unelected position of Brexit Tsar in Theresa May’s cabinet.

“It shows just how desperate May is for someone who can stop Brexit in its tracks, before her legacy is ashes and ruin,” a Westminster insider told LCD Views.”Johnson, Davis and Fox were supposed to have screwed it all up and killed it off by now, but somehow they keep clinging on.”

To protect his anonymity we’ll only say our source served as Chancellor for some years, before going into the news business and is famous for singlehandedly solving the unemployment issue in the U.K. by personally filling any vacancy.

“But it’s the only way to get Jeremy Corbyn to actually oppose Brexit.”

The Brexit Tsar’s responsibilities will include being the new face of Brexit, leading the negotiations with the EU alongside that packet of mince and constantly appearing in the media to thank Jeremy Corbyn for supporting the government at each key moment of pressure in the Commons.

“It’s classic reverse psychology,” an aide to T-Bone told LCD, “he’s finally accepted that having taken the UK into a disastrous war in the Middle East on fabricated evidence, just because some thick as Davis cowboy threw him a bomber jacket, no one is going to see him as the King Arthur figure he is, at least not yet. But he really wants to help stop Brexit to try and redress the balance.”

Sources close to Jeremy Corbyn relate that he is the most incendiary anyone has seen him since he became Holy Father.

“He was supposed to be deifying a new abacus for John McDonnell this afternoon, so it could be sold as a relic to fund renationalisation of common sense, but I hear he’s so angry he’s postponed the ceremony until after tea.”

Will the psychological move do the trick? Time will tell, but I’d trust in T-Bone, if he can’t drive Jeremy Corbyn into opposing something than nothing will.

Philip Hammond is rumoured to be setting aside £5.34 in Wednesday’s budget to buy and re-purpose the big red bus used in the EU ref campaign to spray the United Kingdom with a financial truth bomb and turn it into a mobile food bank.

LCD Views spoke to lead campaigner for this latest example of caring Conservatism to learn more about this initiative, even though it seems rather extravagant in a country with full employment.

“We aim to find the only hungry person in England and feed him,” Mr Johnson enthused, “once we’ve done that we will drive to Wales and repeat the miracle.”

It’s believed an entire new government ministry is to be established to administer the bus on its journey around the country at a minor cost of whatever it is we spend on Liam Fox’s vanity project currently.

It’s thought Mr Gove and Mr Davis are also competing to lead the automotive charge to fill the last hungry belly in the nation.

“After seven years of sound fiscal management everyone is filthy rich,” Mr Gove phoned our editor to assert, “the last hungry person is the fault of the last Labour government. They really did destroy life as we know it.Thank God we’re here.”

People will be encouraged to donate to the bus as a symbol of how united the country now is.

All donations can be made via increasing food costs and routed to high worth individuals via decreasing rates of corporation tax and other measures too boring to mention, then funnelled away to tax havens, where the food grows.

“We will be encouraging ordinary, hardworking, patriotic Britons to come out on the streets and wave the flag as the bus passes.”

It’s believed to get the full effect of being in the presence of the bus it is advised to stand really close to the exhaust and inhale.

“If you’re lucky, a little bit of the hot air and gas you inhale will once have belonged to Boris Johnson.”

Flags to wave can be purchased via an operation run out of Crimea. Get yours today!

David Davis, MP for Wreckxit, finds himself in hot water intellectually today after being challenged to an IQ test by a packet of mince.

“I’m fed up with comparisons between myself and that plonker,” the mince told LCD’s Political Genius correspondent.

“I know for a fact the taxpayer is shelling out millions for Davis to take shoelace tying lessons and there’s people saying he’s as thick as mince? I’m flexible. You can do a lot of different things with me, just try making Davis into a Swedish meatball and see how far you get?”

It seems the mince became so fed up with the repeated analogy only now as it’s become popular to use it while describing Davis’ handling of the negotiations with the EU.

“Him and me. Man on mince. Let’s settle this. He can choose the IQ test. If he’s too thick for that then let’s try having a time trial over who can fight their way out of a paper bag fastest.”

The mince asserts it is ready to go right now and is only waiting on Davis to agree.

“If he won’t take me on that settles it too.”

It’s believed the best place to take the IQ test is somewhere outdoors.

“Let’s do it where he feels comfortable. Standing on a crumbling footing of bollocks on a cliff edge overlooking jagged rocks. He’ll feel right at home.”

It was suggested they could settle it by both being measured for thickness and then discovering who was the exact same thickness as two short planks, but the planks weren’t having it.

“The kids have been banging on about a puppy forever,” Figel Narage told LCD Views’ Happy Families columnist. “I think it’s too much responsibility, for me.”

But it seems the kids have won out?

“So I said, fine, okay, you can have one, but it can’t be from a shelter because those dogs all have mange.

And most are foreign anyway brought into the country by bleeding heart libtards and then just dumped on the street for the hard working, honest British taxpayer to look after.”

Our correspondent asked how he knew this, for a fact?

“It was in the Daily Fail. Front page. Every other Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Monday and Friday.”

“It’s going to be a surprise. A Christmas surprise,” Mrs Narage quietly interjected, from her chair in the corner.

Her input forced a tired sigh from Figel.

“She’s put them up to it.”

“I didn’t darling. Every child should have a puppy. It teaches them to care for others.”

The interview paused for a little while so Mr and Mrs could discuss the pros and cons of a puppy, we suspected it was not for the first time.

“It’s going back as soon as it grows up,” Mr Narage finished the debate. “I’m only prepared to transfer so much of my hard earned money out of my account in Jersey to pay for poop bags and food.”

But won’t the children be devastated? They’ll have fallen in love with it only to have it taken away, seemingly arbitrarily?

“Listen snowflake, when I was a boy my dad used to keep a dog to set on the neighbours when they came about pestering for cups of flour. That was a good laugh.”

But what does that have to do with today?

“The children will be fine when the puppy goes to a shelter. They’ll just have to pull together and make the best of it. It’ll harden them up and set them up to make a success of life.”

And what will you call the puppy?

“Sovereign, or Half Sovereign. I haven’t decided yet.”

“Christmas Day is going to be beautiful.” Mrs Narage nods.

“Yes. And the random date I pluck out of a hat to get rid of the dog is going to be even better.”

But what if the shelter will not take Sovereign back?

There was silence a moment, until Mrs Narage commented quietly,

“We’ll just have to tell the kids we lost Sovereign and dump it.”

And for the first time in the interview, Mr Narage smiled.

Alarming news this afternoon that the government’s announcement it will be soon be releasing the Brexit impact reports has been met by the threat of legal action by the publisher of the ‘My Little Pony’ children’s books.

“We just wanted to present them on a level that steadfast supporters of Brexit, within and without government, could understand easily,” Ms Total Ly, junior minister at DExEU, advised LCD Views.

“It never occurred to us that a matter of national importance would require us to actually work from scratch and figure out a new narrative when there are so many classic British stories to borrow from.”

It’s believed the mistake may also be a result of the time pressure the department is under to produce the reports alongside unpatriotic collaborators working with reality to undermine Brexit.

“We really could have done with a longer extension on our assignment,” Ms Ly advised, “well, not me, but the senior ministers involved. Apparently they’ve only been campaigning for Brexit for forty something years. Hardly enough time to have worked up any idea of how to actually implement it.”

It’s believed the pony book publisher is most incensed over the borrowing of their very original works because there is,

“Absolutely no way we would ever subject Applejack to the excessive fantasy and guaranteed bad end with few lessons learned that Davis and Fox and rest will meet,” a spokesman claiming to speak for the publisher advised.

“I mean we deal in make believe here, but Brexit? That’s a crazed delusion I fear our young readers will never escape from if they’re sucked into that realm.”

It’s believed DExEU will offer to settle out of court, should proceedings commence, as will presumably many of the main character actors involved in Brexit itself.

LCD’s Westminster mole reports this afternoon that a furious row has broken out between Owen Patterson and Liam Fox over who gets to cut the ribbon at the opening ceremony of the first British unicorn farm upon Brexit.

“Owen believes it should be him,” A Mole said, “as he’s sure he’s going to be able to personally arrange gigantic export deals to China of prime quality unicorn prestige British T-bone steak.”

But Fox is said to be livid at Patterson stepping on his FTA toes and gone after him while holding a cup of jelly beans in the Commons lunch room.

“I hear it became pretty ugly. Liam threw the purple jelly beans first because they’re not his favourite colour. Then the greens. Owen picked up a folding chair and looked like he was going to throw it but it folded up and caught his pinky finger.”

It was at this point that the new Tory chief whip intervened to stop the spectacle before Tom Watson could write about it on Facebook.

“They’ve both been given detention this afternoon. Everyone is sure they’ll fight again in the room and MPs are desperately trying to get into trouble so they can be in the room to watch the action.”

It’s not thought the dispute will be settled easily.

Liam is the best deal maker the U.K. has ever produced, but Owen will claim we’re only going to be able to grow real unicorns in the first place because of his GMO work with goats at home in his shed all these years when everyone said he was crazy.

“At least the farmer in Cornwall who’s been chosen to grow the unicorns to harvest will be happy whatever happens,” A. Mole added, “as unicorns pretty much grow and harvest themselves by magic.”

Jeremy Corbyn faced criticism yesterday for failing to ask any Brexit related questions at PMQ’s today, specifically in relation to rumours that Boris Johnson intends to change the name of the Foreign Office to the British Office at the stroke of Brexit, in order to keep his party’s tenuous grip on its UKIP voters.

“I was astounded,” a leading political journalist who occasionally writes for LCD Views commented, “Mr Johnson’s plans are a huge truth bomb and give the lie to the claim by Brexiter’s that they love everyone, regardless of where they were born. It should have been tackled at PMQ’s.”

Although other Westminster bubble dwellers have suggested wryly that it’s not like Ms May would be aware of Mr Johnson’s future plans.

It is of course quite likely that all of Mr Johnson’s future plans are improvised daily, like all leading proponents of Brexit, and just aimed at a fuzzy feeling in the distance.

Educated commentators on social media seemed to approve. As soon as the rumour made headway on Twitter, it leapt to Facebook and thousands of users with Saint George flags in their profiles began shouting that it’s a British office so it should have Britain in its name. It’s only logical.

“It does make sense in a way,” our colleague smiled, “as we’ll only be talking to ourselves after March 2019 anyway, so why not change the name of the office of state to reflect the new paradigm.”

LCD Views robustly supports any tokenism playing to nationalists, although we raise concerns that the words Britain, Briton and Britishness maybe obsolete pretty soon after we make a success of Brexit.

It will probably be wise to get ahead of the curve and rename the office the English Office, or perhaps the Kingdom of Wessex Office? It depends how far back we go in the time machine of State.

Great strides were taken towards stopping the corrosive impact of Russian “bots” on social media platforms today with the discovery that each fake profile has a minimum of five smaller fake profiles inside.

“It’s ingenious,” LCD’s IT whiz, Dr Whiz, commented, “and it goes a great way towards explaining how groups such as Activate and Moggmentum appear to have a bizarrely high number of members online.”

Bizarre in this context means a number greater than zero.

“We’ve known for a while that all the Nigel Farages are grown in a computer bot farm in the Kremlin, but to discover Activate’s six members on Facebook are all one fake profile neatly packed with another five smaller ones makes the puzzle easier to solve.”

It’s believed the clever design, which is believed to take inspiration from the traditional Russian dolls given as gifts and found in many living rooms around the west, explains why there were so many curiously ignorant people arguing that Brexit would lead to a land full of golden unicorns online during and after the EUref.

“The trick is to block them as soon as they attempt to engage with you. Once you talk to a bot it unpacks itself and you suddenly find half a dozen profiles who have not even a rudimentary understanding of the EU shouting they’ve won.”

The irritant is not yet solved, Dr Whiz warns.

“It’s easy enough to spot the latest generation of them on social media platforms these days. They invariably begin any statement with the unbelievable phrase, ‘although I voted remain in the referendum’, before talking barely comprehensible bollocks.

And it’s a good thing the PM has told Putin she’s onto him now too. Not that it matters, as Brexit still seems to mean Brexit..”