Category: Brexit

LCD Views is just one of many mass media outlets reporting with joy at the sighting of a giant fudgberg the size of Westminster seen bobbing about the English Channel.

“It originated somewhere in the Irish Sea late Thursday night. Probably bubbled up from one of the sea floor vents that dinosaurs definitely didn’t come out of when the Earth was made a few thousand years ago,” our Confectionery and Political Arts correspondent advises.

“It is a confectionery designed to make anyone who takes a bite really happy, but the aftertaste is a little bit like ash.”

The aftertaste problem appears to be related to the constituent parts.

“Although a natural byproduct of political tectonics as a large plate is pushed by the UK against the EU, the fudgberg is thought to be especially good at alleviating the need for businesses to relocate or in anyway enact contingency plans relating to mass economic suicide planned by a nation state, at least for the next few minutes.

But this is probably just an old wifes’ tale. Especially now that the EU have agreed an FTA with Japan which accounts for 30% of global output.

Add that to the rest of their agreements and they can humour Ms May in her attempt to convince the voters to eat fudge.”

Health authorities have also warned against excessive consumption.

Large amounts can make you blind to the fact that there is not much actual detail of substance or fibre in fudgberg, and it is likely to be regurgitated if some of the hard Brexit head cases grab enough Conservatives around the midriff and squeeze. At which point a giant economicberg will appear and leave Dover to beach itself at Calais.

“It’s potentially a serious risk to shipping also.” our correspondent added.

“In fact it could disrupt trade between the U.K. and the EU for years, if it doesn’t stay down after consumption.

I would advise all patriots to get their patriot spoons and begin chipping away at the fudgberg.”

Fudgxit means fudgxit and fudgxit means fudgberg and if you think this is mostly nonsense then that’s because what Westminster is making is a fudgberg which is nonsense, and the opposing sides of remain and leave will have reduced it to fudgiscle before the year is out.

So will reality because pretending you’ll solve the border issue with magic won’t cut it, nor will paying to have less.

Try some fudgberg today.

A group of famous British explorers canoeing up shit creek have confirmed they’re doing so without any paddles.

“What use are paddles when the current is so strong?” one expedition member, “the bulldog”, asked LCD Views, “I know I told the others I had packed the paddles, but I lied, and now we’re in mid flow they can’t do anything about it, can they?”

This answer seems surprisingly acceptable to the outdated desktop computer chosen to be the party leader, on the basis of how simplistic the commands required to programme her are.

“Shit creek means shit creek,” the device, affectionately nicknamed “Maybot” replied when asked by our Technology correspondent exactly where she was supposed to be charting a course to.

Observers of the expedition have raised concerns though, that in consideration of the various risks and floating hazards certain to be encountered during the expedition, that paddles are the minimum required to steer past any blockages they may encounter.

“There’s no room for paddles!” A big, blonde boy, who is in one of the canoes because no one can work out how to throw him overboard, shouted, “the very aim of this bold, triumphant expedition is to prove that pesky rules and regulations requiring paddles and life jackets and safe moorings and water purification kits are just an unnecessary burden on the pocket books of the expeditions backers!”

“I’m not really sure they can survive shit creek without maps or ways to bat aside the turds. I think they’re all going to drown. Any rescue parties may drown too,” Our Bad Ideas specialist commented.

“I asked them, don’t you think you should at least beach up for a while until you have examined the way forward in excruciating detail? But no one replied. Their frantic bow waves are washing all sorts of horrible muck up onto the shorelines.”

The expedition leader did helpfully respond though,

“Up shit creek without a paddle means up shit creek without a paddle.”

Davis’s admission is frightening on several counts. Back of an envelope, for such important documents? Davis can write? Who the hell still uses envelopes?

On the other hand, it is encouraging that the government is embracing recycling. After all, most of its policies are cast-offs from the USA. Even Brexit is an old idea. It dated back to the UK’s original entry into what is now the EU in the 1970s.

LCD’s Environmental Issues Correspondent reports that  scraps of paper have swelled the recycling bags in Westminster this month. In the main these have crude calculations written upon them and then crossed out.

Some of these items have been forensically analysed by LCD’s work experience student, Adam Upp. Upp, who takes his GCSE Maths next year, was able to confirm that the calculations were “a bit tricky” and that they were “doing my head in”.

Imagine the consternation at Brexit HQ, where all the experts have been carefully removed from their posts. If our expert struggled to make sense of the calculations, how would Davis himself cope? “They were not as straightforward as some people imagine,” be boasted. Presumably, he included himself in the category of ‘some people’.

Instead, the impact assessments will be produced “a little closer to the negotiating timetable”. That must be the negotiating timetable which has been progressing slowly over the last six months.

So, when can we expect to see the impact assessments? “I am really tight on time,” Davis snapped. “This is a difficult time. Besides, the Department has run out of envelopes, since we all use email these days.”

When pressed on what Brexit means to British business, Davis’s urbane facade finally slipped. “Brexit means Brexit means Brexit means Brexit. End of, so there,” he snarled. “Fingers crossed, no comebacks. Ner nerny ner ner, and your mum’s fat.”

Your correspondent offered Davis an old fag packet to replace the missing envelope. The offer was gratefully accepted.

Our technology correspondent can confirm the rumour today of a simple hack discovered which lets any foreign government or media mogul take control of the prime minister, and most of parliament, after experts finally worked out what the hell has been going on in the U.K.

“It’s staggeringly easy to take over Westminster,” Professor Computer advises, “all you need to do is open up a government browser window and go to the prime minister’s home page. You then type in the username ‘maybot’ and password ‘take_back_control’ and you’re off to the races.”

It seems the frighteningly simple security error was actually installed by accident last year when the new prime ministerial robot was activated and put to work in Downing Street.

Warning signs that the integrity of the system had been breached were numerous, it seems, for anyone paying sufficient attention.

“The constant repetition of simple and self contradicting phrases. The obsession with selling bombs to tyrants regardless of the loss of innocent life. And of course, the appointment of a complete and utter buffoon as foreign secretary. These are all the classic symptoms of an infection right at the heart of government.”

It’s believed remedial action needs to be swift before the hacked system demolishes the UK’s economy and chasing significant amounts of highly educated taxpayers away.

Also, if the hack is not dealt with there is a serious risk of food shortages to come and the closure of any last, remaining publicly funded programmes aimed at supporting vulnerable people.

“An update on the 8th of June this year was supposed to include a patch, but it appears to have just made the issue worse,” Professor Computer warns,

“I expect it’s possible the entire system will go into meltdown before whoever has hacked it can complete their mission. So there’s reason to be cautiously optimistic.”

News is breaking this lunch time that Secretary of State David Davis MP (how?) is to release the 58 Brexit impact statements tomorrow into the fires of Mount Agung in Bali.

“We’ve been hoping and praying the earth would open up in all its fiery passions,” an aide to Davis told LCD Views Force Majeure specialist, “this is wonderful. The eruption of the volcano in Bali demonstrates as clearly as a slogan from the prime minister that the ancient god Vulcan backs Brexit.”

It’s believed Mr Davis is already flying first class in an RAF passenger jumbo normally reserved for Prince Andrew’s personal jollies.

“Apparently once he arrives on Bali Mr Davis is to change into a traditional Mayan priest costume and be lowered over the volcano where he will wait for an upsurge of magma before sacrificing the impact statements to the god of fire.”

While certainly an entirely satisfactory way for the government to acquiesce to the will of parliament and the Speaker’s order, the choice of Bali has set the cat among the pigeons of hard Brexiters in cabinet.

“A bloody foreign volcano. A bloody foreign outfit and a bloody foreign god!” one senior Brexit minister fumed to LCD on the basis of anonymity.

“They should be sacrificed in a bloody British volcano, preferably on the border between North and that other bit of Ireland!”

The ceremony is not going to be filmed, as it is believed they would taint the sanctity of the ritual, but we are sure all will go perfectly.

“Davis has half planned the event, well, was almost personally involved in the conceptual of the ceremony, what could possibly go wrong? It’s not like it’s a bloody human sacrifice we’re performing. They don’t start until 2019.”

Good luck high priest Davis. Come back safely. But don’t rush.

LCD Views has been officially chosen to announce the new and bold initiative to solve all remaining minor Brexit negotiation difficulties by transporting Brexiters to all disobedient colonies.

“It’s the obvious step forward,” DExEU brainstormer D Twoplanks explained,

“Australia is getting above its station? Simple. We will send a million Brexiters from the counties there and they will assume places in their parliament.”

This strategy is certain to be successful, so successful it will be cut and pasted across the map.

“Ireland? They’re next. To be honest each time someone brings up the border problem we usually change the subject to how we are going to offer a bung to the EU to settle matters and how we’re not going to pay in the end because our support is based on largely angry baby boomers who have never bothered to learn about our actual relationship with the EU. We’re not about to disabuse them now when there’s 0% corporate tax rates for the grasping.”

Argentina and the Falklands and WTO complications will be solved by,

“Expansion of the existing Welsh colony in Argentina with Welsh Brexiters.”

The potential flare up with Spain and the problems it may cause over “the rock”?

“Not a problem. We’ve a twin strategy. We’re going to project films showing the failure of the Spanish Armada onto the rock on the side that faces Spain, so they know what’s in store if they get spicy. We will also transport a million far left supporters of Catalonian independence into Catalonia so they can continue to take an enthusiastic and uninformed view there and ferment trouble.”

Why not just export remainers as clearly no Brexiter thinks the cost of regaining something we’ve never lost can be too high?

“Are you mad? Who’s going to do the work of rebuilding Britain if we export all the brains and talent overseas?”

LCD Views has a deep level spy planted in a coffee shop only half a mile from Libdem HQ and it reports back today that Vince is unnerved over rumours in the Gruniad this week that Corbyn is intending to go Gandalf on Brexit.

“It’s hardly fair, Vince has been a white wizard about Brexit since before the referendum, and now this 7/10 chap expects to put on a grey smock, grab the first big stick he finds in his garden and steal Vince’s thunder!”

We can see why Vince is perturbed.

Although this article is entirely speculative and our chief political analyst actually anticipates the solid Liberal Democrats would go, well, it’s about bloody time! And just satisfy themselves with some gentle reminders they never shifted from pro-EU to some waffle like ‘workers’ Brexit’ in the first place.

“It’s easier for us of course as no one outside of London votes for us, but still, we have been on that damn narrow stone pass the whole time.”

It’s uncertain still if Corbyn is going to go noble wizard and defend every weaker soul in the kingdom against the ravaging giant demon of Brexit, or if Polly just had a brain explosion (understandably) after watching the last PMQ’s?

“He’ll make a fine Gandalf,” Peter Jackson is reported to have chimed in from New Zealand,

“I’ll even cast him as Gandalf in the next Star Wars prequel if he actually pivots against the demon from the black depths that is currently devouring the soul of the United Kingdom and threatening to send Britain tumbling into the abyss.”

Neither Cable nor Corbs were available for comment, but it is nice to find a way to tie their names together in a bit of speculation.

A unicorn has appeared in the allotment of a north London man to explain that a ‘workers’ Brexit’ will also suck.

“I keep turning up,” the unicorn explained to LCD Views’ reality correspondent, “he normally can’t see me, so I stand in his line of sight and say what I’ve got to say, before I go back to my magic realm.”

The unicorn is feeling hopeful though that her words are finally penetrating the barrier between her kingdom of sunny uplands and the allotment in north London.

“I need to correct you there,” the unicorn interjects, “I don’t live in a kingdom. Please don’t print that I do. Unicorns believe in organising society as an anarcho-syndicalist commune, well, not organising as such, but we take it in turns to act as an executive, on a weekly and rotating basis, but all decisions of the executive need to be ratified at daily meetings. We don’t get much done. I’ll stop borrowing heavily now from that wonderful script and get on with it.”

Whatever the complications of the unicorn’s own realm she is determined to intervene in ours.

“People are always chasing us but we’re often close to hand. You never catch us because we’ve seen what some of you do to rhinos, so it’s easy to see why we keep well ahead.”

But that doesn’t mean they don’t want to help?

“Look, let’s cut to the chase. Worker’s Brexit will suck as hard as the other ones because it’s the twenty first century where you exist.

This means you’ll be out on your own and ripped to shreds by the international poachers of disaster capitalism and the other big beasts. USA. China. Russia. And others.

Everyone has been pushed about by you in their history and it’s deep in cultural memory.

Stay where you are and work to improve where you are. It’s a fundamental principle of happiness. People blow relationships all the time because they take their partner for granted and end up alone holding a bucket of poo and having to rebuild.

No point having a worker’s Brexit if no one has any bloody work, because you did Brexit, is there?”

The unicorn asked another question before fading from view,

“The Black Death in your 14th century began the process of giving workers rights because their rulers could no longer control their mobility as completely, because there was too much demand for their services elsewhere.

How will ending freedom of movement across twenty eight countries improve condition for workers?”

LCD Views has seen a tweet tonight from a previously staunch Brexit supporter, Brexitius Brexitus, who wants everyone to remember the EU referendum was only advisory.

“eU REF not legal bind,” Brexitus thought to remind the United Kingdom, “hope democratically elected EU parsleymint doesn’t forget it.”

It seems the sudden total recall of a vital facet of the referendum held in 2016 and taken by Britain’s ruling coalition as word of God to decide the country’s fate forever, regardless of mild indications that it’s a bad idea, has been brought about by accidentally reading a newspaper not owned by a tax avoiding offshore billionaire.

“They want too swamp hour roads with there extra people,” Brexitius followed his first reminder, “they want to send postcards from OUR NHS. In…,,,extra change for Dr Fox’s radio shows!!!!?!”

The tweet was not greeted warmly by the account holder’s followers at first, but after a crayon meme was posted that explained how former COLONIES may expect easier visa entry requirements for Britain taking their money, the initial tweet was soon one of the highest trending posts by Brexitius of all time.

“UKIP have convened an emergency meeting,” LCD’s Nationalism ends in murder correspondent commented, “it’s believed this surprise potential of Brexit had not occurred to any of the largely ageing members. So too a majority of Leave supporters in the Conservatives. Nigel Farage is believed to be cutting short a date with a much younger European woman right now to attend.”

It’s believed fear of an extra non-white person gaining access to their town by virtue of a future non-EU free trade deal is potentially an unsolvable problem.

“If the traitor in Downing Street can’t guarantee we will only be kicking people out after 2019 and building British robots to pay for our pensions and wipe our butts in our long sunsets of old age, well, she’s liable to lose a lot of support to remain MPs.”

It’s not certain how much damage this revelation will do to the already waning support for Brexit, but for those that voted out for racist reasons it sure is a pretty pickle, one which their political opponents are liable to enjoy watching them stew in.

The EU is facing stiff and valid criticism from people across the political spectrum with unbiased opinions after its decision to disallow UK cities to compete to be the EU capital of culture in 2023.

“It just shows how vicious and spiteful the EU really is,” claimed a blowhard knuckle dragger who is allowed a radio talk show because it’s good for ratings and let’s everyone hear the national barometer of hate each day.

“Just because our wise and generous government in Westminster is refusing to say what class of second class citizens EU nationals will be from March 2019, there’s absolutely no reason to disallow good patriotic British cities to compete to be the European capital of culture in 2023.”

A fair rebuke to the unelected technocrats in undemocratic Brussels who will be beholden to every single national parliament in twenty seven different countries and their regions before agreeing whatever trade deal Downing Street plucks out of a hat to satisfy offshore tax haven lovers, while trying its damndest to avoid a meaningful vote in the U.K. parliament.

LCD Views agrees with the angst of the cities that were bidding to gain the crown, but sees them as hostages to a fortune decreed from Downing Street and ill intentioned foreign actors.

“And let me make this absolutely clear, even, even if the UK is pursuing an agenda symbolised by a man full of hate standing in front of a billboard that mirrored Nazi propaganda on the day Jo Cox was butchered in the street by a far right terrorist, it’s completely unreasonable to not let a U.K. city compete.”

The little matter that our own prime minister is using EU nationals as bargaining chips and is routinely hinting at their deportation wouldn’t have anything to do with the decision either…