Category: Brexit

GRIN WHEN YOU’RE WINNING : 10 DOWNING STREET is putting itself firmly behind this nation of shopkeepers today with a new drive to encourage voters to spend their Brexit bonuses.

For some time it has been a source of confusion to 10 Downing Street why Brits aren’t rushing into the shops and rushing home with some unique bargains. It’s certainly true that Mr and Mrs Johnson are doing their part to aid the economic recovery by spending the money of donors. But ordinary plebs who have to spend their own money also have a job to do.

“Hardly anyone is dying each day now from the pandemic,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “We’re looking to plateau at a 100 completely avoidable fatalities a day without counting up what that means each month. So there’s no reason not to crowd into your local shops with the people who no longer wear a mask.”

Although the warm words are welcome and will certainly cause a boost to high street takings, some may need more encouragement.

“We are disappointed that some retailers aren’t doing everything they can to boost the economy,” the source continues. “The usual range of goods may occasionally be missing from shops due to a spell cast by an ancient Babylonian witch, but that should force innovative new British made product lines.”

In particular 10 Downing Street appears to be thinking of souvenirs. Which is fitting as this is a unique period in the history of the United Kingdom.

“You‘re going to feel pretty silly when all you have to hold as a momento of this time is the ration book you’ll be getting from Boris Johnson this Christmas,” they advise. “When you could have also bought one of those cardboard shelf fillers from Sainsbury’s. This is where supermarkets need to think outside of the box, even if the box was once filled with fresh fruit and veg and is now filled with cardboard.”

JUMPING FOR JOY : Downing Street is not just going to sit on its barge arse and wait for the empty shelf crisis to worsen, it is to act.

Clearly the country’s armed forces now have a crucial role to play in keeping the UK’s world beating supermarkets full of world beating produce after the EU declared war on British logistics.

“If EU truckers lack the required patriotism to navigate Priti Patel’s hostile environment and keep Britons fed we will just have to do it ourselves. And we will do it with tradition and style. Watch out Brussels! We’re going to be self-sufficient!”

The tradition will draw on one of British armed forces most iconic aircraft.

“We can confirm that the mothballed fleet of Harrier Jump Jets are being dusted off and fuelled up and will play a vital role in getting your grocery basket full.”

The details of the plan are not yet fully worked out yet, mostly because Mr Johnson dreamed it up while hammered on fine old port at 3am this morning. But those minor matters the ramped up logistical teams operating out of 10 Downing Street can flesh out.

The main thrust appears to be upward though with the Jets replacing the tired old role of RO/RO haulage lorries. And they will avoid any of the tiresome customs paperwork and queues that allowed the unexpected pingdemic to cause chaos.

“The fleet of harriers will fly from a recommissioned Croydon Airfield off Purley Way in Croydon and over to Calais. This site has been chosen because it was used in WW2 and everything we do must include a link to Britain’s other finest hour. At Calais the jets will descend with netting and be loaded with the cargo British supermarkets need to fulfil our commitment to protect their profits and your stomachs.”

Seeing the Jets hovering over a Sainsbury’s or Tesco carpark is sure to raise morale all over the country. Customers are asked to watch where they walk if they find a military jet over their heads. Don’t trip up and miss out on your fresh fruit and veg.

Apparently though a decision has been made to not inform French authorities of the arrival of the harriers in their airspace as that would just give the French another opportunity to stick a spanner in the runaway “success that is Brexit”.

CHOICES CHOICES : The Health Department is working across government to make parenting easier and today sees the launch of the latest initiative.

Anyone who has or has had young children in the past knows how difficult it can be to get them to eat a broad range of fresh fruit and vegetables. Often they’ll have one or two favourites and the rest? Pah. Well thanks to Brexit that challenge is changing.

“5 A Week is the new way to keep your growing children hungry,” a Health Department spokesman told LCD Views. “Did I say hungry? I meant to say healthy. We’re working across departments with agriculture and trade to ensure that your children will no longer be screwing their little faces up and saying ‘What’s that?’ at food! It’s a very exciting time.”

While the initiative is not wholly unique, as Conservative ministers have been working tirelessly to make accessing food a means tested system since 2010, thanks to Brexit they’re able to ramp it up to a world beating standard.

“Over the coming months more and more families will feel the benefits of Brexit,” the spokesman continues. “And if you think those little angels have spent too much time in doors and on screens due to the mysterious way the pandemic has extended in the UK, well, you can always take them foraging for the ingredients to make pottage! Traditional British parenting is set for a mass comeback.”

To help embed the excellent new habits the Health Department will be working with major UK supermarkets.

“To ensure 5 A Week becomes the norm you’re going to see changes in the fresh produce aisles at your local shops,” the source adds, “one day they’ll only be bananas, the next only potatoes, another only bunches of coriander. Some days nothing at all!”

5 A Week – It’s only possible on the sunlit uplands of Brexit. You won’t be able to participate if you’re on Continental Europe.

PRATTLE STATIONS : The British Army is set to get even busier in the coming weeks and months after the United Kingdom’s government declared WAR on the United Kingdom.

The declaration of war has not surprised many, but it does mean that Army HGV drivers will now have to fit in deliveries to major supermarkets in between attacking themselves. Army Chiefs are remaining characteristically tight lipped about the evolving situation. Many military observers expect they will be incredibly annoyed as it’s “hard enough dealing with customers who are irritated over substitutions on the doorstep without having to split a reduced army in half and have it fight itself”.

It had been expected that The Telegraph would be chosen to make the announcement and there are rumours that Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s bosses are not best pleased that he chose to inform the nation via the radio. This mistake has been put down to “drunkenness”.

Shortly before 8pm this evening Mr Johnson is said to have addressed the nation on one of Radio 4’s political programmes and said that “victory was certain because we’re fighting ourselves”.

This method has also upset the voters who have turned away from BBC political news in droves since the EU referendum as it is believed to give the “Gammon a strategic advantage, due to early warning”. Although given most of them can’t organise a piss up in a brewery, it’s not felt to be an insurmountable advantage.

How NATO will react is not yet clear as they will have to both attack and defend the United Kingdom until a ceasefire can be brokered.

Mr Johnson is expected to assume the rank of Rear Admiral and then retire to Chequers and let “others sort out the mess”, which is exactly how the UK came to declare war on itself in the first place.

WHAT’S GOING ON : The United Kingdom is rumoured to currently be suffering a shortage of workers in many sectors. This appear to have coincidentally followed the UK Government failing to prepare for Brexit, but is not related. Happily the government is taking action.

“We’re going to have an inquiry,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Firstly into how well the two pieces of art Mr Johnson spent £100K on work with Carrie’s choice of wallpaper? After that we’ll be getting right onto the severe shortages of staff.”

To be fair to Downing Street, when the Prime Minister rushed to get Brexit Done and then rushed to terminate the transition period, no one at all would have expected the EU27 workers to leave. A few simple forms to fill out and some fees to pay and anyone who wants can continue to work for us.

“We’re British. Why wouldn’t they still want to work for us? It’s pretty basic stuff. You can work in one of those other countries that doesn’t have an empire, or you can work for us? It’s a no brainer. We suspect someone has been enticing the workers away.”

It’s not believed the problem of mass shortages has a domestic cause because “Priti Patel has made it very obvious that anyone not born in England is not wanted.”

“We suspect the leaders of EU27 states have been trying to entice British workers to leave the United Kingdom, but because they don’t speak English they accidentally published their propaganda in their own languages. This misled hospitality, farm workers, NHS and truckers into believing they should leave. There’s no other possible explanation. It’s essentially sabotage to undermine Brexit. If you were trying to do that wouldn’t you offer to treat foreigners like human beings? The exact opposite of our policy. Underhand stuff. The EU should be ashamed of itself.”

The inquiry into the paintings will report later in the summer, with the less important one about the workforce to follow sometime before Christmas.

“With any luck we will have an answer by Christmas. You remember Christmas? We had it last year except last year we held 10,000 EU HGV drivers in a sodden and cold camp in Kent. Many local charities recall the event, they had to feed the truckers.”

WORLD LEADING : The UK’s place as the leader of civilisation is more secure than ever today after the strong and stable leadership team running the country decided to blow it up.

The decision to target the country with its own nuclear weapons system, Trident, was taken after it became just too embarrassing to have Boris Johnson continue as Prime Minister, and the governing Tory Party proved too morally, and intellectually incontinent to do anything about it. In fact, make that the whole U.K. political establishment.

The facile nature of UK politics, especially in England, has been apparent since the EU referendum of 2016 but now it has really surprised even itself.

The tipping point seems to have been the decision to bring in the army to deliver food after the regime of carpet bagging shitbergs who delivered Brexit discovered they’d done nothing to prepare for it. And now everyone looks like a right fucking idiot.

It’s believed Mr Johnson would rather detonate the nukes rather than risk being laughed at by the French, although he himself is not personally planning to be in the country at the time.

“It’s either blow up the U.K. or admit that Brexit was a decision pushed by people so eyewateringly useless they’re either a whole team of Manchurian Candidates or 100% cretin. Perhaps both.”

There were rumours that a referendum on whether or not to self-immolate or face the world and own what we did, was going to be held, but the government decided not to because of “what happened last time we asked the people to make an important choice about their future”.

Air raid sirens are to sound just before the U.K. destroys itself. This is so people get a flavour of “the Blitz Spirit” the nostalgia freaks who were born well after WW2 always bang on about.

FORM AN ORDERLY LINE : Downing Street is stepping up to the challenge of reversing the collapsing U.K. food supply chains today.

“We all know that successful governance is about who writes the most compelling narrative in the mind of the public,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “If the reality based narrative that supermarkets are running out of food takes hold in the public consciousness things could get a bit tricky. This is why we have taken the sensible and measured measure we have today.”

The initiative has been codenamed Operation : Stitch In Time and involves a talented hypnotist hired by Downing Street.

“The hypnotist has this afternoon begun studying social media to see which regions are now worst affected by the broken supply chains. Once a hotspot is identified he flies there by helicopter, disembarks in the supermarket carpark and begins greeting shoppers as they leave empty handed.”

And that’s when the magic starts.

“He invites shoppers to look into his eyes, look into his eyes, don’t look anywhere but in his eyes. As he does this he swings a fob watch on a chain in front of their faces and talks in a soothing voice until they enter a state of hypnosis.”

This is followed by the hypnotist telling the shoppers they must remember they have bought all the items they wished for that day and to go home and be amazed at how little they spent on the weekly shop. It will prove to be very effective.”

But critics of the strategy have demanded to know why only one hypnotist has been engaged, when surely thousands will be needed to cover the entirety of the U.K.?

“That’s because it’s a Boris Johnson initiative, so it’s going to be as impactful as he is with a mop. You can’t expect him to exhaust himself actually dealing with the crisis?” the source shrugs.

“To admit there is a supply side crisis will be to admit, either directly or by implication, that Brexit has failed. So you just better get used to staring into the eyes of the National hypnotist and carry on at home with the guided hypnosis track that will soon appear on your smartphone to convince you you had a slap up Sunday roast. When in reality you’ll be lucky to have had toast.”

Brexit Britain. We did this to ourselves, just don’t expect anybody in government to admit it.

RIDE ‘EM IN RIDE ‘EM OUT : The United Kingdom’s Brexit Government has received the attention of the world for its management of the transition from captive subject state of the tyrannical EU to fully sovereign, free trading powerhouse.

“We’ve all seen the optimistic photos of Brexit superstar Liz Truss standing next to the overheating photostat machine cut and pasting EU deals,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “There’s no trade agreement she can’t reproduce, on different terms. But where will we put the wealth of incoming goods you ask? Why in Kent of course.”

To that end the government sensibly carparked broad swathes of the garden of England last year, and the concrete is still pouring. The sky is lit at night and for many locals, it’s the Brexit they voted for.

“It stands to reason that once complete the Carpark of Kent will be one of the modern wonders of the world,” the source goes on. “Like a giant sovereignty cake, or flan, just a grey one, because it’s concrete. But a cake needs toppings! And the toppings have to be big.”

And the most appropriate toppings are of course bored truckers, going nowhere, earning nothing, with rotting produce in the back. But creating memories to last a life time.

“We’re driving forward a mass trucker recruitment drive so we can fill those carparks to the edges and over,” the source celebrates. “If you’ve passed your seventeenth birthday why not get involved? Learn to drive a massive lorry and then park it. And then wait. But we don’t want all those foreigners. This is a British enterprise. Get involved and park for Britain.”

The necessity of filling up the Inland Border Facilities, that changed the face of Kent, is obvious.

“It would be totally daft to have spent all that money, and ruined all that scenery in the service of resetting our trade to the 1970’s, not to then use the parks. What would the locals say?”

They might say that would be exceptionally Brexit.

FINE DINING IN THE MIND PALACE : Global Britons have bellies full of sovereignty thanks to the decision to remove the country from the 21st Century. Get the bunting out and keep it out for you are free!

Free of travel without roaming charges and the accompanying worry your mobile service provider doesn’t care anymore. Free of just hoping on a train or flight to the EU27 with nothing but an anachronistic burgundy passport in your pocket. Free of worrying about overspending on food at the supermarket. Free of the anxiety about whether or not your kids will choose to study in the Erasmus programme or take the patriotic decision to use Turing and the Falklands.

The days of impulse buying while getting your necessities are happily in the past, for the foreseeable future. How does it feel?

For some curious reason, for some, it doesn’t feel good. Change can be discombobulating, when you haven’t prepared, so the government is going to help.

A new billboard and print media campaign will help boost the morale of all Empire 2.0 citizens and get them in the right mental state for the new realities of Brexit benefits.

“Get Ready To Believe In Food” is to launch shortly with happy, upbeat fonts and colourful photos of actual food.

“There’s a chance some citizens may forget what actually fresh fruit and vegetables look like until the colonies hit full production and ship back to the fatherland,” a 10 Downing Street Propaganda Minister told LCD Views. “But all you ready need to eat is to believe in food! If your mind is full of what we’re fishing out then you’ve nothing to worry about.”

Just like making a success of Brexit, reality is of no use, just believe!

SEEING IS BELIEVING : Prime Minister Boris Johnson is to address the nation from his visit to Mustique Island, um, Scotland this evening.

There is no need to panic that a famously workshy PM is going to step out of his twelve course dinner, before the lobster course, to talk to the people.

“It’s just strong and stable government in action,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman, travelling with the PM, told LCD Views from a tropical beach. “He’s heard that some voters are expressing concerns over supplies to supermarkets and he wants to reassure the great British public his holiday will not be interrupted by it.”

Further reassurance will be offered over supplies to world leading British supermarkets. In particular the cardboard shelf fillers which are increasingly replacing actual products.

“The range and variety of ways supermarkets are concealing the product shortages has become a traditional feature of a British shoppers experience. It adds a real element of surprise to what used to be a humdrum feature of domestic life for ordinary people, and for the domestic staff of MPs. The People’s Prime Minister wants everyone to know that cardboard supplies are secure.”

Although the address by the PM, in Hawaiian shorts, will put most people’s minds at rest, one or two Tory backbenchers are said to be less than impressed.

“Oh, that’s just the ERG reinventing themselves again. This time as the CRG, the Cardboard Recovery Group, I’d ignore them unless they have sufficient support to disturb the PM’s afternoon nap.”

Rumours that the army has been placed on standby to ensure cardboard shelf filler supplies continue to reach supermarkets are thought to be true. Which will put joy into the even the most dispiriting trip to the shops.

“As long as we have the impression of food we can believe in food. Which is completely in keeping with Brexit.”