Category: Brexit

“A No Deal Brexit will show the Millennium Bug was much ado about nothing,” Bernard Jenkins, somehow an MP, told LCD Views today as we sat on the porch of dead empire and considered the vista.

“All this fuss, all the project fear about Y2K and come the stroke of midnight what happened?” Mr Jenkins demanded to know while preparing to slice bread with a chainsaw.

Mr Jenkins has a point. What the point is no one is quite sure. Most likely it’s a deeply ideological one that needs no contact with reality for him to smugly function.

”Billions were wasted preparing for the moment the Millennium Bug was supposed to eradicate computer life as we know it,” he adds, “thousands and thousands of man hours flushed away. Masses of coders working day and night preparing computer systems and rewriting code. The public warned in advance of the political negatives if steps weren’t taken. A long lead in and the best minds on the job working together, not just nationally but internationally. And all for what? Why?”

So the Millennium Bug was much ado about nothing?

”Precisely! That money could have been better spent on my parliamentary expenses! What a waste.”

So it’s the same with No Deal Brexit?

”We’re going to find out. I don’t personally know anyone who is a multi-millionaire who isn’t pushing for it, after sensibly preparing an overseas bunker in the event of a No Deal Scenario. Just think of the money to be made out of the chaos? I know I do!”

Are you sure you want to slice that loaf of bread up with a chainsaw?

”Yes. Because I’m not going to be holding the loaf. That’s what you’ll do.”

Neither senior, nor largely invisible, members of Theresa May’s Tory cabinet have plans to quit and hide under a rock, just before Brexit, a rock seller confirmed to LCD Views today.

”This is not an exclusive,”Mr Presley, owner of Rock ‘n Roll Rocks, told us during a visit to his Westminster showroom.

”We have rocks to suit any size and any budget,” he added, “all of them specially designed for easy access with luxury cavities inside. You’d have to have rocks in your head not to roll one away today.”

We paid Mr Presley a visit after a secret sauce, not ketchup, more mustard in colour, told us that it was a well known secret behind closed doors that pretty much everyone May bizarrely thinks we take bullets for her is planning to bolt at a minute to Brexit.

”It’s just sound career planning,” Mr Presley said, “if you’re not there holding the timer when it hits zero and the country explodes, it’s not your fault.”

Even so Mr Presley said he was struggling to keep up with demand and worried that some of the more boutique rocks may not be ready for delivery by 10pm March 29th 2019.

”Some of the demands are pretty niche,” he said, “large vaults to hide money in. Colour coded AI controlled entries to ensure only the right sort of person can get inside. Even wheels so the rocks can move while concealing the owner.”

But it’s good to know the people who are failing to design any sort of future for the country that isn’t just a tax haven ruled by right wing fascism will be there beyond the point of no return.

”This one here,” Mr Presley said, pointing to a rock that blended seamlessly into any background, “is not for the Chancellor. He’ll definitely be here April next year. What true blooded Tory doesn’t want to control the finances of the most vicious austerity budget the country will ever see?”

Curious news for Britain’s pound store Donald Trump today with the announcement that Boris Johnson is no longer able to see himself in mirrors or ponds.

”Still ponds,” an aide to the deceitful, wannabe populist, fascist appeasing, blonde shitshow told LCD Views, “no matter what the depth.”

And depth it seems is a key metric in consideration of the man who flailed and failed to free British citizen Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe from an Iranian prison while running the foreign office.

”That’s calculator Phil’s fault for not stumping up the readies,” the aide explained, “nothing is Boris’ fault. Not even a big red bus full of lies that convinced enough people to vote for economic and civil suicide.”

It has been known for sometime that mirrors were no longer working for Mr Johnson, since his devolution into vampirism, but the confirmation that ponds are now also not functioning for self reflection is raising eyebrows.

”It’s a clear health and safety issue,” the aide commented, “if he can’t stare at himself and fall in love all over again, daily, how will he keep himself afloat?

“The adoration of the aged and dying Tory membership will only get you so far when you know that you’ve created such a tangled web of personal and public deceits only monumental self love can create a sufficient barrier to the psyche destroying awareness you’re a steaming pile.”

Although it’s not all bad, as our narcissistic political tendencies analyst confirms,

”Falling into a pond and sinking to the depths is the next natural step for Boris,” they said, “now he’s attempting to further his rotting career by, it seems, taking the advice of Bannon and using racist and essentially Nazi cliches to propogate islamophiba, living full time in the company of pond life is where Mr Johnson is at.”

The old adage that if you can’t do the time don’t do the crime has taken on new meaning today with the announcement by Downing Street that they have changed the law to allow bank robbers to keep the loot if they can get away with it for 2 years 9 months.

”We used the new powers in the EU Withdrawal Bill to change the law,” Mr Crook MP (Tory, Rotten Borough) told LCD Views.

Under the changes the only wrong doing is not even being caught, but failing to stay on the run for a sufficient length of time.

”The world has moved on,” Mr Crook, who has a sideline in emerging markets and disaster capitalism, said, “it’s only right that the law reflects the change.”

Asked why two years and nine months was chosen as the length of time you need to keep ahead of the long arm of the law to secure your ill gotten gains, Mr Crook (Tory MP, Rotten Borough and Abolishing Rule of Law – boundary change occurred during interview) was less coherent.

”Oh, it’s just a nice round number. Nothing at all to do with the length of time between the EUref in 2016 and the day the U.K. falls screaming into a void of feudalism in 2019.”

LCD Views commends the far reach and imagination of ministers using new sovereign powers that parliament gifted them, meaning that parliament has to do a lot less going forward.

”We can spend more time on constituency work now,” Mr Crook winked, “you know, putting out the fires that will start once food supplies dry up.”

Or fanning them?

”Oh yes, there’s plenty of money to be made in civil disorder and societal breakdown. I mean. Um,” Mr Crook shrugged, “you know what I’m up to. Whether or not enough of you give a shit to do anything about it before March 29th 2019 is the rub.”

That said we helped Mr Crook turn a double barrelled shotgun into a sawn off one that could be concealed under his coat.

”Let’s get down to the Bank of England.”

Good idea! I’ll drive.

”Great. We’ve got to swing by Islington North to pick up the lookout…”

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse have warned that they may be forced to depart the UK, if the government fails to secure a Brexit deal with the European Union.

The four equestrian harbingers of doom last night swooped down unnoticed on Downing Street and nailed their warning, written in blood on human vellum, to the door of Number 10, from where it was retrieved by trembling civil servants and delivered to an ashen faced  Theresa May.

A copy of the warning faxed to the media explained that the four, PESTILENCE, WAR, FAMINE and DEATH had become increasingly worried that their ability to engage in apocalyptic activities would be severely compromised if they lost the freedom of movement they have enjoyed with the UK as a member of the European Union.

As such they explained that they had been actively considering a move to Cologne, which having been all but destroyed in the second world war and rebuilt entirely in concrete, is, in terms of sheer unadulterated grimness, the closest they could find to Sunderland.

“However we finally plumped for the Dordogne, to be close to some of our long time Conservative friends like former Chancellor Lord Lawson,” explained WAR, in an exclusive interview with LCD Views.

WAR explained that their departure was likely to be accomplished in stages; in part due to the need to secure adequate stabling for the horses, but also to  allow for them to optimise their remaining UK based operations.

“Given the anticipation of food and medicine shortages, FAMINE and PESTILENCE will be remaining in situ long enough to take advantage of what are clearly golden opportunities, for our respective sectors,” he said explaining that the possibility of the outbreak of civil war means that he too may be obliged to stick around.

“Frankly I’d be daft not to, especially with country about to be flooded with downloadable plastic guns” he smirked, adding that despite what most people would expect however, DEATH would be leaving the UK at the first available opportunity.

“If those LEAVE voting gammon faced idiots thought they could escape the seven circles of living hell that will be post-Brexit Britain, by falling off their respective perches, shuffling off their mortal coil, popping their cloggs, kicking the bucket, or joining the choir invisible, they’d better think again – they’ll be suffering BREXIT for ALL eternity,” he cackled.

 

This explanation came during an interview on BBC Radio 4’s Propaganda Today programme. John Humphrys interviewed a junior transport minister.

“What does the government say about the potential 13 mile tailbacks on the M20?” asked Humphrys. “We speak to junior transport minister, Chelsea Tractor. Good morning!”

“Good morning, Sir John!” simpered Tractor. “I’m so excited, everyone else has gone on holiday and left little me in charge!”

“Sir John? I don’t think so!” he replied.

“Just wait for the New Years’ Honours list to come out,” cooed Tractor. “You might just have a little surprise!”

You could almost feel her fluttering her eyelashes.

“Err, well, yes, I suppose it’s possible,” stammered Humphrys, caught momentarily off guard. “But we are here to talk about transport policy!”

“Oooh, I do love it when you’re forceful!” she twittered. “Go on, do the hard stare with the little twinkle!”

There was a slight pause, then they both burst into fits of giggles.

“OK,” he sighed, recovering his poise. “Now tell me why you think 13 mile tailbacks on the M20 are such a good thing.”

“It’s quite simple, John darling,” purred Tractor. “The British love queueing, and the tailback on the M20 will be a queue to die for!”

“But what about the drivers stuck in their cabs?” he asked.

“They will love it!” she whispered. “They work so hard, a bit of rest will be their reward. They can relax, talk on those CB radio thingies like in the movies, and have a bit of a nap.”

“And it they lose their place in the queue as a result?”

“Snooze you lose.”

“And are you not concerned,” he persisted, “about the noise, the pollution, the waste? This is the Garden of England! Surely this is a disgrace in the twenty-first century?”

“Hush, John, hush,” she said soothingly. “Just remember – the people had a vote. The people had a vote.”

“Yes. The people had a vote,” he repeated, calming down. “The people had a vote. All is well. Chelsea Tractor, thank you.”

The people had a vote. Nothing to see here. The people had a vote.

News from the Department of Defence today as small time bully and full time felt made man Gavin Williamson has ordered the RAF to recruit and train a squadron of kamikaze pilots to make a success of Brexit negotiations.

The pilots will have extensive training in going high into the sky before crashing down into the ground, hopefully in Brussels.

”It’s to make a success of Brexit,” Williamson repeatedly told us, as he screwed up his mouth and attempted to glue a wing onto a model Spitfire,

“I’m certain the height we’ll reach will contravene numerous busy body nanny state EU regulations. Especially as we’ll be flying in special, modified Euro derivatives without CE labels. It’ll drive Merkel insane.”

The strategy behind the special squadron is an exact mirror of the current U.K. government’s Brexit negotiating strategy.

”It’s to make a success of Brexit,” Williamson clarified again, wing now stuck to his fingers and not the fuselage of the model.

It’s felt that once Brussels learns we are prepared to destroy ourselves just to harm them a bit they will back down and give us everything we are demanding.

”It’s to make a success of Brexit,” Williamson added, attempting to pull the wing off his fingers with his lips, but only succeeding in gluing his lips to his fingers, which remained glued to the wing.

Brussels will be warned that if they don’t realise we hold all the cards in time to prevent a No Deal Brexit devastating life in the U.K. then they’re for it.

Williamson was unable to add further comment, as he tried to apply solvent to the mess he’d created at his mouth, but accidentally picked up the superglue again and squirted it across the lot, thus succeeding only in rendering himself speechless.

”It’s just as well,” a military observer observed, “it’ll save Brussels the effort of telling him to shut up and go away. And remember as you crash into the ground and burn, the whole country is behind you.”

The desperate news comes from a unicorn reserve at a secret location in Brexittania. Greedy poachers, unable to wait any longer for their Dividend, have found the reserve.

LCD Views managed to secure an interview via a massively encrypted live link routed via Moscow.

“The unicorns are endangered,” said gamekeeper Annie Malhunter. “We try to protect them at any cost. It’s the horns which are particularly attractive to poachers, so we remove them as humanely as possible.”

Why are the horns so valuable?

“They are supposed to have magical properties,” replied Malhunter. “They solve paradoxes like how to fund public services properly while abolishing taxation, or creating a frictionless hard border. They are reputed to be able to turn the UK simultaneously into both Little England and Global Britain.”

How do you remove the horns?

“First, you have to catch the unicorn,” said Malhunter. “Which is difficult, since they are secretive to the point of being fictional. Then you chop off the horn with a cold chisel, and slap a ‘My Little Pony’ sticker on their flank.”

And what do you do with the horns?

“I’m not authorised to disclose that,” said Malhunter, pointing to a portrait of Vladimir Putin and a pile of roubles.

Is there any other way to discourage the poachers?

“Of course. We lay a false trail of bullshit,” Malhunter explained. “There’s no end of it around here, which is odd given that this is a unicorn reserve.”

Going undercover, fearlessly, we soon located the reserve due to the stench of manure. We soon found an equally fearless poacher named ‘Guy Kell Mauve’ striding through the bullshit. None of it stuck to him, even though he was wading through great heaps of the stuff at times.

“I’m last man standing!” Mauve boasted. “’Blondie’ fell on his sword, and ‘Fagash’ never leaves the pub these days. Softly, softly, catchee money! I mean, unicorn…”

We left Mauve to just get on with it, as he was, in reality, mired in a labyrinth of contradictions.

Meanwhile a new movement, called Save The Unicorns, has sprung up. It consists entirely of hordes of angry, determined, four-year-old girls.

A Brexiter taking part in a nationwide survey, conducted only in English counties without functioning train links to anywhere, says he knew he was voting for his off licence to be replaced by an armoured personnel carrier, when he voted for Brexit.

”They call me Brexit Dad round here,” Figel Narage said, “I’m a big supporter of Chris Grayling too. He’s an inspiration. How far can you rise if you’re exceptionally mediocre but have the right friends. Put that on a meme.”

And as to the potential consequences of a No Deal Brexit, twinned with a recession, plus a new complete incompetent in Downing Street, Figel is blithe.

”I knew what I was voting for when I used my OWN PEN to mark my X. I knew my off licence maybe replaced by an APC. If it’s to stuff the frogs and the hun, it’s worth it.”

And Mr Narage is similarly relaxed about disruption to life saving medicines.

”I’m not a diabetic, so what’s to worry about? People will be able to get anything they want on the black market. I read the other day that the Home Office is building hundreds of new coves in Cornwall for that exact purpose. I already buy my smokes on the black market. F*cking asbestos in bog roll, but they’re cheap. People need to stop their whinging and get behind Brexit.”

But what does he have to say to people who disagree with his stance?

”If remoaners keep running the country down on social media we won’t get the exact same benefits as we had as members of the customs union and single market. Which have no benefits anyway, which is why I voted for Brexit.”

As to the potential cost increase at his off licence once it’s replaced by nervous squaddies in an armoured personnel carrier?

”I’ll just bribe them. That’s how global Britain will do it’s business. Why do you think all the main backers are into emerging markets? Rule of law makes my super strength lager more expensive, not less, and I’m not having it anymore. Once we are free of the shackles of Brussels I’ll be able to swap a few porn mags for some powdered eggs. So quit your moaning and imagine the seamless possibilities of scrapping with a student for some lentils. It’s a bold vision and I’m embarrassing. Who needs experts.”

The U.K. might, mostly in disaster recovery? After we begin our No Deal Brexit?

”That sounds like treason talking,” Brexit Dad began to sidle away, “after Brexit, we’re going to make your type famous. Now get behind the illegally secured, narrow win in the advisory referendum of broken and abandoned promises that threatens to strip centuries of rights accumulation away from 99% of the population and crash the economy for the benefit of disaster capitalists and push!”

Push! Mostly with your elbows in the queue at the sandbagged and machine gun mounted off licence, but only after Brexit…it’s what the people voted for when they voted for Brexit.

The fierce and mighty executive that governs the empire of England has come in for a broadside today with the latest de-evolution of its continuing de-evolving Brexit proposals.

The much anticipated and all new ‘Three Stooges Brexit’ has been immediately slammed for not having enough positions for all the stooges involved in Brexit.

”Only three positions?” a Brexit watcher asked, “no room for Corbyn? He’s as gun-ho for running the U.K. into a lamp post, just like the rest. No room for Hannan, Farage, Banks, Starmer, Patel, Dorries, Chope? Well, the list goes on.”

It’s alleged that pretty much every noteworthy British politician currently shoving the Brexit boulder up the hill side, so they can loose control of it and watch it roll back down all over British democracy, is a stooge for an international clique headed by Putin and his bitch Donald Trump.

”What about Banks? Why isn’t he front and centre? Until he can prove all his impressive wealth wasn’t actually money funnelled from overseas to intentionally corrupt and destroy the rule of law in the U.K., he has to have a main cast role in The Stooges? Surely? And so many others.”

Other critics have targeted the title of the latest Brexit position by Downing Street and said “Useful Idiots” would be more appropriate.

Responding to the fire a spokesman for Downing Street hit back.

”Divide and conquer isn’t working for us in Brexit negotiations,” they explained, “although we’ll keep embarrassing ourselves by trying it,

”But given how famous Brits are for their amazing sense of humour we thought to use our humour as a weapon. If we can get that dour faced Barnier to crack a smile then we’ll definitely get free and open access to the single market without any of the obligations of membership.”

Screening of the British shit show will go on through the summer, no matter how often they stumble over each other, again and again.

”This is Global Britain in action,” the spokesman added, “just in case it’s not already obvious.”