Category: Brexit

Brexiters are seething today, as usual, at the release of a book which applies some of the complex theories simply expressed in the masterpiece by the late, great Stephen Hawking to their own Brexit universe.

”We’ve has enough of experts!” Chief Brexiter Tricky Mickey raged, after hearing of the book’s timely release, hot on the heels of the overwhelming rejection of the government’s theory on what comprises a withdrawal agreement with the EU.

An excerpt of the work is included below, purely for marketing purposes (‘A Brief History of Crime’ r.r.p. £350M per week),

“Having inflated rapidly, driven by a heated mass of self importance and idiocy, the gravitational pull of the dark matter residing in the inflated universe of Global Britain, from seconds after the moment of creation, or the Big Bang on 23/06/16, now drags the Brexiverse back in on itself, contracting unstoppably to the Big Crunch.

The dark matter itself is the residue of crime, racism, xenophobia and idiocy that was present in the infinity small dot that was the universe of Global Britain in the moments before the Big Bang was triggered by the malign being who willed to be created, or The All Thumbs god…”

The book comes in two editions, published simultaneously, one with standard English and the other in Brexglish, in order to make the book more accessible to those adherents to the debunked theory of Brexit. They’re, there, their are chosen at random throughout the text. Our is spelt are at all times, and so on.

”They’re just mocking us now,” Brexpert Tricky Mickey raged.

But is was wrong about that too, as the mocking preceeded the Brexit Big Bang and no singularity can stop it escaping faster than the speed of light.

LCD Views can report this afternoon that according to Twitter hundreds of second home owners are to sit a simple IQ test in Westminster this evening.

”And hundreds are expected to fail,” our College Green correspondent reports, “up to 650 men, women and children will take part in the mass test tonight in an old building that is such a fire hazard many are also surprised it hasn’t burnt to the ground, what with all the hot air it holds.”

And there will be a lot of hot air this evening in preparation for the IQ test.

”Many taking part are second home owners, many are multi-millionaires, the likes of Philip Hammond (self made man who now helps other people not make it) and Jeremy Corbyn (also mostly self-made, in his own image, and estimated to be worth over £3m – more than sufficient to weather whatever Brexit does) and others are just idiots.”

The test is in the form of a basic yes/no format that you’d expect even a turtle on a fencepost could answer correctly, even though it can’t tell you how it got where it is.”

The person setting the test, a vicar’s daughter called Theresa May, has taken almost three years to write it.

”She’s done her best to get it right,” our correspondent observes, “the question is basically will you allow me to continue governing you so I can keep making foreigners feel deeply unwelcome and persecute them to my heart’s content?”

Enough people fail the IQ test and answer yes and watch out! The go home vans will be back on the streets.

But enough pass the test and say no, more than those who fail, and the vicar’s daughter could soon be seen packing her bags and returning to the vicarage with her forked tail between her legs.

”After desperately trying to cling onto power for a few more weeks.”

The Conservative MP For Maidenhead has confirmed, only to LCD Views, that she will vote against U.K. PM Theresa May’s Brexit Deal when it comes before the HoC this evening.

”I’ll be getting some staffer to tell everyone on Twitter and Facepamphlet later,” Theresa May told us exclusively, “as you tend to block bots, I’m not sure all the electorate will have heard.”

But why the decision to vote against the prime minister’s WA with the EU, when May is telling everyone in the U.K. it’s in the national interest?

”It’s plainly not,” May scoffed, “which is why I’m getting such a beasting in the Commons over it. A real Frankenbrexitstein deal that has united both Leavers and Remainers in opposition. For which I should get some credit, as most thought that an impossible feat!”

But what is it about the WA you object to? Is it the effort to do the minimum possible to prevent a return to violence in NI?

”No, clearly not that.”

Is it the transition period that allows the U.K. time to not starve immediately, as we fumble about digging up the commons and green belts to grow food?

”No. Let them eat cake.”

Well, what exactly, the people deserve to know.

”It’s nowhere near racist enough for my liking. All foreign nationals should be forcibly expelled on Brexit day. Only then will I have delivered on the Brexit the British people voted for. Which given the fruity things Corbs says about leaving the Single Market, thus ensuring a Labour Brexit ends FOM (except for millionaires) too, is clearly a move supported by her majesty’s most loyal opposition.”

So you’re saying it’s not racist enough, but?

”But nothing. Kick out the foreigners. Then maybe I can sleep at night knowing no one is coming to steal our horses. And Theresa May can get some hard earned shut eye too.”

But you are Theresa May and this is your deal.

“Don’t get fresh with me. Where were your parents born? Will someone please put me out of my political misery!”

Number 10 announced that the Prime Minister (there but for the grace of God…) was unilaterally retracting Article 50. In its place, May was confidently demanding that the EU recognise her Article 50+++.

Downing Street spokesman Rhett O’Rick was on hand to demystify the latest Brexit nonsense.

“It’s really simple,” stated O’Rick. “Article 50 has not given us what we wanted, so we have gone back to the EU to demand an upgraded Article 50. To avoid any confusion, we have called this new Article 50 Article 50+++.”

The original Article 50 was clear to the point of brutality. What makes this Article 50+++ better?

“All the plus signs, of course,” joked O’Rick. “But seriously, there is a little more wriggle room in the new Article. It now reads, ‘The EU treaties shall cease to apply to the State in question at an unspecified time after the notification.’ I think that’s something we can all get behind.”

This is just a load more fudge, isn’t it? It is surely just another way to kick the can down the road.

“Certainly not,” declared O’Rick. “It means that now the country can Brexit at a suitable time decided by Parliament. It’s taking back control.”

And will the EU accept it? After all, their latest position was ‘No more negotiations’.

“Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn,” said Rhett, turning scarlet. “They need us more than we need them. Take it or leave it. The ball’s in their court.”

But, but… If the original Article 50 has been retracted by May, that means the PM has acted impulsively and unilaterally, and without forethought, again. And it means that we remain in the EU.

“Look, you clearly don’t understand these difficult and complicated matters,” said a flustered O’Rick. “So why don’t you run along and remoan at someone else?”

Fair point.

Meanwhile Theresa May has nor been seen in public recently because she has had extensive dental work. Too much fudge rots the teeth.

The four horsemen of the apocalypse – Death, War, Pestilence, and the other one – have been joined by a fifth. The newcomer, in a class of his own, is Brexit.

It is hard to argue with the choice. Brexit brings chaos where there is order, dearth where there is plenty, and general pissed-off-ness in place of harmony.

In fact, Brexit has already spread so much confusion that his horse is insisting that the spot on his nose is actually a vestigial horn from a unicorn.

The other horsemen, after initially celebrating, are now regretting the decision. “Brexit will be the cause of many a death,” complained Death. “Bloody newcomers, putting me out of a job!”

“Yeah, Brexit is about to start a civil war out of nothing more than name-calling,” remoaned War. “I’ve been trying to do that for years. Not even Hitler fell for that one!”

“Brexit is causing a shortage of medicines,” observed Pestilence. “Who needs pestilence, when Brexit can reverse hundreds of years of progress in  a matter of months?”

“It’s all a bit shit, innit,” agreed the other one. “Whatever I do, Brexit does it better. Or worse, depending on your point of view. What’s the point in being a horseman of the apocalypse if this bloody usurper breezes along and completely takes over?”

It is only reasonable to reflect upon how Brexit gatecrashed the liberal elite and shat on their poncy table. Some tawdry talent show – The Brex Factor, or Brexit’s Got Talent, one of those – invited auditions and put the vote to the public. In this lottery. 52% voted for Brexit, which was instantly accepted as the fifth horseman.

Subsequent revelations have shown that the vote was both illegally fought and fraudulently won. The Director General of the Talentless Show, David Camelot, resigned on the spot. This admission of guilt appeased the horseman, which enabled Brexit to dominate the original four.

Unfortunately, Brexit has become too big for his boots. His horse, now his unicorn, is demanding special privileges and refusing to bear him further. Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.

“Yes! We have no bananas!” has got to the top of the charts. The BBC, true to form, has refused to play it, citing political influence.

The nonsense song has come into vogue periodically. Principally when bananas were rationed after world war 2.

We turned to pop music expert Melody Lynes for an explanation.

“Novelty songs are always popular,” she stated. “However, they sell better when outside events influence buyers. It’s like when Mrs Thatcher died, sales of “Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead” went through the roof.”

The BBC banned that, too.

“I can’t speak for our broadcasters,” said Lynes. “But the public mood was certainty encapsulated in that song, whatever your opinion about Thatcher.”

Clearly the news that, in the event of a no deal Brexit, bananas will become scarce, had prompted sales.

‘Brexpert’ Terry Bulplan had his defence ready. “I can’t understand why anyone would want to listen to that tiresome drivel,” he said. “The title is nonsense, and nobody is suggesting that there will be a shortage of bananas!”

Unfortunately, that is exactly what Brexiters are suggesting. The blockades at our ports and the absence of trade deals will prevent bananas from getting to the UK.

“And a jolly good job too,” grumbles Bulplan. “Too many foreign fruits coming into the country, taking up space in the fruit bowl that could be filled with British fruits, like elderberries and crab apples!”

So, you are saying that Britain is a fruit basket case? A bendy banana republic?

“Nothing of the sort!” retorted Bulplan. “In any case, we need to be singing from the same hymn sheet. And yes, we have no bananas!”

And that’s Brexit in a nutshell. Or a banana skin. A cheerful affirmation that everything will be the same, whilst acknowledging that everything will be dreadful, in one simple sentence.

The country has gone bananas.

Downing Street is in need of a stiff upper lip this morning after its plan to replace viagra supplies, threatened by a no deal Brexit, with adult movie workers has been slammed as half hard.

”It’s just sensible contingency planning,” a French maid working in the corridors of 10 Downing Street told us in a voice that was dangerously husky, “I’m not really French, this is just a costume. Do you like it? Would you like me to dust those high shelves?”

Alongside the adult movie specialists, free copies of the entire back catalogue of ‘Carry On’ films will be made available on a new government funded, streaming TV service, called ‘Bonking’.

”We’ll keep Britain shagging,” Mr Monee Schott, Tory MP for Knee Tremblers, declared, “the great British public will not be screwed senseless by Brexit.”

A debatable statement.

Additional plans include placing rousing imagery in town squares and city centres.

”Who isn’t going to feel something with a thirty foot high poster of Maggie in her prime glowering down at you as you go for a pint?” Mr Schott said with half closed eyes, “erect that next to a poster of a steam train entering a tunnel and off we go!”

Rockets blasting off and fireworks exploding are also planned.

But controversy has hit the scheme early after it was revealed a stockpile of actual viagra is being built for government ministers.

”Do you want your elected officials down in the dumps over the natural consequences of ageing on the mortal male? That would be reckless at a time of natural crisis.”

Plans to make the stockpile available to paid up members of the Conservative Party have also raised eyebrows.

”We’re just seeing to the needs of our natural supporters. Keep their resolve to make a success of Brexit firm.”

On the plus side, the dressers and drawers of the U.K. will be getting a proper seeing to with the old feather duster as the legions of fluffers are set to work across Little England.

But critics will take convincing that this isn’t just another example of the government making a fluff of Brexit.

Chris Grayling has zero chance of screwing up No Deal Brexit transport and supply lines with the launch of ‘Tug for Britain’, an initiative as ambitious as the Transport Secretary himself.

“It really should have been Damian Green’s brief,” a surprisingly modest Chris told a poorly attended press conference, held to launch the scheme, “what with all the tugging. But I guess I can man up and see it to completion.”

Under the scheme, also known as TUB (“It’s for thumping!” – interjects Grayling), a fleet of powerful British built tug boats will push on the western coast of England to eradicate the possibility of long lorry queues at Dover and Calais.

”Once all of England is a land border with France then lorries will be able to cross wherever they like and there’s nothing the French can do to stop us. I’ve already awarded seventy, million, billion pounds to a tug boat company without tug boats.”

But the launch of the bold plan is not without controversy, as noted humanitarians within the Tory Party are livid at how easy it will make the crossing into the U.K. for people at the sharp end of British munition exports.

”Theresa can mollify them by pointing out how fun it will be to deport them all straight back over the border again.”

But further concerns have been raised regarding the safety of islanders on the many islands between the two land masses.

”They will be given plenty of warning in order to tug themselves out of the way,” the transport secretary reassured.

Asked what Labour thought about tugging for Britain, a spokesman said, “a long as we get to create a state controlled utopia in which all 65 million British citizens are stripped of FOM and forced to work to fulfil their quotas daily we don’t care what the wankers get up to.”

Tug for Britain. Then get behind it, get your feet wet and push.