Category: Brexit

FINE PRINT : The Brexit Party has hit back today at claims it’s not a party and it doesn’t have a manifesto, and as such is just a racket.

”We are not a racket or any other type of sporting equipment and we do have a manifesto you traitor,” Joseph Gobbles, BP policy consultant, told LCD Views, “and we don’t need to be a party because we’re a limited company.”

So what’s on the manifesto? Out means out, what don’t you understand? Is that it?

”You think you’re so clever with your words, words, words,” Mr Gobbles hit back back, “but myself and Doctor Mangler have actually already written down two policies.”

And they are?

”An annual Wicker Man festival to celebrate being English in the 21st Century, with compulsory attendance by all patriots, whether you fetishise hard right, authoritarianisms or not.”

Thats one.

”And the immediate and total ban of the public sale of milkshakes.”

That’s two. Do you want help adding a couple more?

”What have you got?”

The immediate revision of history books to prove we won the war, without assistance, and we will do it again if we have to.

”Excellent. And what else?”

The establishment of a ‘Brexit Party Youth Corp’ to replace traditional schooling and ensure a focus on patriotism from an early age.

”That’s five! That pretty much nails it. I thought you were going to be a saboteur, traitor, unpatriotic, EU tyranny loving fifth columnist who I’d have to shout ‘well go and live in the EU if you love it so much!’ at, but here we are, five full manifesto commitments! Job done.”

It’s only four.

”Excuse me?”

Two plus two equals four.

”Not in Brexitannia it doesn’t! Now go and get ready for the book burning to celebrate completing our manifesto. If you don’t have a Saint George flag tattooed on your face by lunch time we’ll know where your loyalties lie.”

SMALL CHANGE : There are dozens of reports today of a GINORMOUS PENNY seen floating in sky over The Palace of Westminster.

“The penny was first noticed in the sky this morning after the results of the EU elections came in,” our civil defence correspondent reports (LIVE from WESTMINSTER – with lights and everything! Even though he could have done it just as well in the studio!), “The prime minister is said to have immediately convened a meeting of COBRA, although only she attended.”

As a result of the emergency meeting the PM is said to have ordered the RAF to scramble jets to intercept the penny. Well, after she remembered who was currently defence secretary, coincidentally someone called Penny.

“The RAF is currently under orders to keep a distance and be ready to react should the giant penny look like crashing on top of Westminster and squashing the brains of Tory and Labour MPs still committed to Brexit. The impact is believed to be survivable, but only if the penny drops before it becomes even bigger.”

There are reports of plans being drawn up to attempt to lure the penny away, perhaps to the North Sea or the Bay of Biscay, but as yet the only suggested methods being put forward are to tack even harder to the right on Brexit, and that strategy only seems likely to make the penny become even larger.

“The PM has requested that Corbyn, McCluskey, Milne and Nigel Farage enter into discussions with her on the best way to deal with the penny,” our correspondent reveals, “and find a common solution to dealing with the bleeding obvious.”

It’s clear if they can’t find a way to safely bring the penny to ground it will just sooner or later completely flatten them. Representatives of smaller parties at Westminster are said to be in no danger however, because they never needed the bloody penny to drop in the first place.

1. The alt-rampant Tories are ‘concentrating on the league’ after a humiliating European loss. In political football manager speak, this translates roughly as, we lost, get over it.

The word coming from Tory HQ is that, now Europe is out of reach for another season, all their energies can be concentrated on getting re-elected in 2022. As is usually the case after a massive defeat, they are thinking of replacing their manager. Unfortunately for them, no remotely suitable candidate is available. Theresa May stays on as Prime Minister by default.

This page has remarked before on the unbalanced shape of Team Tory. Too many right wingers, and an insistence that a backstop isn’t necessary. The potential replacements for May are all so right wing that they are off the pitch, or so imbecilic that they advocate dropping out of the Premier League to join the WTO 9th Division (North).

In the middle of this, first team coach Andrea Leadsom has resigned, because the level playing field refuses to yield to her warped sense of reality.

The Tories are only top of the league at present because of the weakness of the opposition. The last time anyone can remember an opposition so weak was in the glory days of Margaret Thatcher’s ‘Invincibles’, who cheated their way to victory and changed the rules retrospectively.

The winners are the Brexit Party team, who hate the EU so much that they use it as their platform. A victory spells out failure, and a loss success. The oxymoronic team, in reality the one-man cult Nigel “the man who puts the Moron into Oxymoron” Farage, has lost by winning, and is playing to lose.

The political system is so messed up, that the Premier League will be decided on who scores the least number of own-goals. In this Looking Glass World, the party with no policies, no manifesto, no legal standing, just one bigmouth and a name, only needs to turn up to win.

Which of course translates as a loss.

Anyone for tennis?

WHO COULD HAVE EXPECTED THIS : LCD VIEWS has received reports today that the monster created by Doctor Brexitstein (and numerous unscrupulous MPs) in a dark money funded, social media laboratory, has appeared on College Green and is demanding a wife.

The monster, which is called Brexit, is also known as ‘monster’, ‘wretch’, ‘daemon’, ‘fiend’, ‘it’ and ‘Lexit’. It is reported to have an old fashioned, conical loudspeaker strapped to its head and is writing down what it says, and what anyone says to it, on a piece of slate. This it holds up at random so everyone can see it.

“The monster appeared late yesterday afternoon and was obviously peeved,” our Westminster watcher reports, live from the imagined scene,

“it has been spotted at various places in the country for nearly three years. At first it attempted to befriend puzzled locals wherever it was, but after realising how hideous it was, it began smashing jobs and civil discourse into dust wherever it lingered. Now that it has appeared in Westminster to make demands, it is feared it has turned on its creators.”

But it does appear at least that Brexit has thought through what it wants its wife to be called.

“The Bride of Brexit is a handle already adopted by the media, but Brexit itself is insistent its wife be called WTO, or GATT24 or Mass Famine, any of the handles it says will satisfy it.”

Will its creators build it a wife?

“Well, they can only make one by replicating the pieces cobbled together to make Brexit. Namely sowing together the anger of communities disregarded by Westminster for decades, patching on energised ignorance, stapling in a big, meaty chunk of racism in the intestines and powering the whole load with the electricity of lies,” our reporter says, “so sure, they’re happy to have a go. There’s plenty of ready funding available from local and mysterious overseas sources.”

But not everyone is convinced they should build Brexit a wife?

“There is a concern that Brexit has done enough damage already and he won’t fulfil his promise to retire quietly into the countryside should he get to hold WTO. Actually that the pair of them will do even more damage.”

Maybe he should be captured and dismantled and laid to rest?

“It would be best,” our reporter agrees, “falsehoods have become truths in the wake of the creature’s creation and our entire democratic system is slowly turning into the image of Brexitstein’s monster itself. No one can be assured of certain happiness, not least the monster’s creators.”

THE EMPIRE STRIKES SOMETHING : Temporary Prime Minister, Theresa May, took inspiration from one of modern cinema’s iconic heroes today as she sought to get parliament onside for her last ditch attempt to be the only who completely screws the United Kingdom.

“I am altering the deal. Pray I don’t alter it further,” May told a half awake parliament, pausing between each syllable to breathe heavily, before adding, “if you defy me now I will crush you under the heel of the Empire.”

Quite what such an open handed offer from such an admired leader will do is not yet clear.

”She keeps her word,” a Tory Party insider said, stifling a giggle, “you know she means what she’s saying when she says it. Just no one, not even her, believes it.”

Unwarranted skepticism aside, May is attempting to finally get parliament to pass the gigantic stool of her Brexit. She’s hoping her latest offer is an efficient softener.

But she is facing an uphill struggle.

”The promise to go whether she succeeds or fails was probably complete horseshit,” our Westminster analyst says, “and this latest effort to buy more time will likely be met with warm words, then a jolly round of backstabbing as all her cabinet are just completely sick to death of her. They don’t even care if the Death Star is finished under her watch or not anymore. So they may well vote against it in the hope she buggers off that bit sooner.”

And given the factionalisation of even her own dark side, it’s odds on.

To get further clarity we spoke first to dark side wannabe Mark Francois.

Mark Francois : “Series of completely unrelated WW2 references that display how deeply I misunderstand reality.”

Thank you Mark Francois.

We will have to wait and see how this latest play works out for May.

Will she leave with the dignify she’s dedicated her time in office to denying everyone conceivably possible?

Or will she lay unmasked, politically gasping her last in total failure? That seems much more likely.

But her finishing line in the address to Parliament is worth noting.

”I AM your father.”

Mostly for just being confusing. She must have become stuck in character.

IF IT WALKS LIKE A DUCK : The Brexit Party has hit back today at claims their impressive funding is a bit on the nose, and suggestions that perhaps someone in authority should look into it.

”All of the donations to the party are from legitimate sources, whether domestic or foreign interference,” a spokesman claiming to speak for the party quacked, although he was speaking from behind a screen so we couldn’t be completely certain what he looked like,

“We’ve capped the donations at £500 so hard pressed, potatriotic British men and women don’t overspend, not because it’s the threshold for legal compliance with declaring who donated it.”

Whether or not that will be enough to allay concerns of various anti-potatriotic voices doesn’t appear to matter to the party’s founders.

“It’s not at all that we believe by the time anyone investigates we will be speeding down the highway in an old Model T Ford with a cloud of dust behind us.”

It’s definitely not because if you have the political impact you desire you need to worry a lot less about the legal ramifications of your actions.

“No one out to subvert democracy, and the rule of law, in the United Kingdom will be in any way encouraged by the leaderships of both the Conservative, and Labour parties, apparent willingness to blithe disinterest in the proven criminality in the 2016 EU referendum campaign,” the spokesman went on, “anyone who suggests otherwise is betraying baby Brexit.”

But just to be sure we decided to speak to Bonnie and Clyde and ask where they personally got the money they donated from.

But we couldn’t find them. Which is presumably part of the plan.

BREXIT : Theresa May is said to be planning a ‘bold offer’ to get MPs’ support for her Brexit deal when she tries to get parliament to pass it again in June for the umpteenth time.

”The timing is important,” a Downing Street strategist revealed, “we have to wait until after the EU election results are in for maximum impact. This is why the ransom letters, I mean, personalised letters requesting support are being prepared now. Let’s get them right this time. Find out first what’s important to MPs and threaten, I mean, cajole them in the soft spot.”

How long it will take to prepare nearly 650 individual threats, we mean requests for support, is anyone’s guess, as few people have tried to govern an entire country by blackmail for so long before and needed an old stack of newspapers to do so.

”She’s been spending too much time in talks with Labour,” our analyst muses, “their entire EU election campaign is one of emotional and political blackmail, and a self-contradictory one at that. Vote a Brexit pushing Labour to stop Farage and the far right? When Farage’s only policy at all is Brexit? That makes about as much sense as realising you’re the frog in the slowly boiling pot and demanding someone puts a lid on.”

The political blackmail of their supporters came as a shock too. Bargain basement stuff.

“So much time in talks with Tories? It must have rubbed off. Or I guess, given how long May has been at threats and blackmail and ransom with parliament, maybe it rubbed the other way? Either way there’s a lot of rubbing.”

So what impact will the personalised letters have?

”It depends on the MP,” our analyst believes, “Lammy will most likely put a photo of it on Twitter and tell May to get stuffed. Former Labour voters will rightly swoon and wonder why this man of conviction and courage isn’t Labour leader?

”Cooper will carefully deconstruct it and tie May in knots with her own cut and pasting next time she’s before a select committee. Former Labour voters will shake their heads and think, if only she was leader…sigh.”

”Corbyn will agree to being blackmailed in principle, but demand that he blackmails himself, as if that is somehow better?

”Morgan, Boles, Kinnock and numerous others will agree that extortion is the right way to govern the country, but they’ll request endlessly that they get to choose the family member, or prized possession, that is held hostage,

”Change U.K. MPs will just be thrilled someone actually wanted to write to them, was able to not only write but address the letter correctly, given they’re constantly moving offices,

”Lucas will ignore it and recycle it,

”The Libdems will crack a joke off the back of it, further endearing them to their supporters,

”And the ERG will be giddy, wondering which one of their ERG chums fancies them enough to write an anonymous love letter. So total success. The hallmark of May’s decisions while in office.”

WHAT’LL TAKE: “Pass my Brexit deal and by this time next year we’ll all be millionaires!” May is to tell MPs, as she bids to drag her dead pet Brexit deal out of the cemetery and back to the Commons for a fourth time.

The deal, rebranded yesterday by a pliant Brexit Secretary and compliant BBC, as ‘the Barnier deal’, is expected to be dragged with a chain around its ankle out of the musty Westminster soil and back into the lower house in June.

”Theresa doesn’t take no for an answer,” a Downing Street insider revealed, “although she quite likes to say no, especially to asylum seekers and people who came here legally, but are now being tormented by retrospective immigration law changes, designed to make Britain grate again.”

Why the rebranding is a question?

”It has to be done ahead of the next failure. Continuing to call it the ‘May Deal’ is a political risk for the prime minister. She wasn’t damaged by the first trio of fails, but a fourth or fifth? A sixth or seventh? That might dent her reputation as strong and stable.”

So it’s Barnier’s fault?

”Yes. He should never have set down those red lines in the Lancaster House speech. Reckless and short sighted of him. Seriously, you’d think the EU, with its reputation for negotiating, would have picked someone prepared to think ahead.”

Presumably May can tell MPs that it’s the EU’s fault too?

“Yes. When she’s not busy telling everyone it’s her own MPs fault that Brexit hasn’t been delivered. Which it is of course, something future generations may well thank them for. Which is a nice twist for frothing mouthed ideologues, to actually do something useful, even if it’s by accident.”

But how will May’s latest argument go over with the lower house?

“Hard to say, so many of the MPs are millionaires already, it’s not exactly an incentive.”

Daytime TV’s chav baiter Jeremy Kyle suddenly has a lot of time on his hands. He has offered his services to the government, believing he has the ability to sort Brexit out.

Jeremy Kyle is just the latest in a long line of Jeremys desperate to fix broken Britain. Corbyn, Hunt, Paxman, Clarkson and now Kyle.

Kyle’s recently cancelled show displays the hallmark of his approach, he says. The show’s format is the blueprint for future negotiation strategy. Car crash TV means car crash politics.

“It’s simple,” explains Kyle to LCD’s Infotainment correspondent. “Put the two sides together in front of a half-cut audience, let them shout for a bit then straight to the polygraph. Pronounce judgement and sling them out. Job done!”

But will this work on tough nuts like the May and Barnier families?

“Naturally,” replied Kyle. “This is exactly how it will be. The show, I mean the negotiation, will be called ‘You stole my democracy!’. May will screech about betrayal and will of the people, and Barnier will deny everything, and sit there impassively. May will go for a lie detector test and we will go for a short break.”

So. A cup of tea and a biscuit, and back to the negotiating table.

“Before the results of the lie detector test, there will be a little segment on another theme,” said Kyle. “For example, ‘Donald Trump: demon or dunce?’. Then the results come in. Probably they will all be lying through their expensive teeth, so I will give them a blistering homily on the importance of good manners and send them all packing. Sorted.”

And nobody will die this time?

“Only their dreams and fantasies,” said Kyle. “Truth and delusion, that’s what drives my show, I mean negotiations.”

The Jeremy Kyle Brexit will be transmitted every bloody day until somebody has the guts to behave like a grown-up.

We’re used to seeing allergy warnings on food labels these days, and if it saves lives that’s all to the good. But now we’re going to be seeing them in a different place, albeit for much the same reason.

Political pamphlets and other handouts are now going to come under the same scrutiny, and anything that contains nuts will be required by law to include allergy warnings. This includes anything you receive from the Brexit Party and other extreme right-wing parties full of nuts, like UKIP and the Conservatives.

Food safety standards officer Al Erginotiss had this to say:

“Any materials for public consumption need to be inspected by us for any harmful content, in case of allergies. If you have a nut allergy and know in advance that something contains nuts, you know to keep clear of it and could save your life by doing so,

“And extreme right-wing politics operate on the same principle, and they are full of nuts at the moment, their contents are frequently indigestible to even the toughest stomachs. The public need to be informed going in that there are elements here that could be hazardous to their health.”

Nigel Farage barged into our office to say it was outrageous. Nobody asked him to, he just barged in regardless. He couldn’t even tell us why it was outrageous, insisting we wait until after the European elections to find out. We thanked him for his input and politely told him to go back to where he came from. He didn’t appreciate the irony, and it was only when we called security that he left, shouting obscenities at us. Apparently we were the fourth office to eject him in a single afternoon, and not the last either.

The ban comes into effect on May 16th. Any political materials pertaining to the Brexit party or other extreme right-wing groups will be legally required to include these notices. If you see any that don’t conform to this, you can report them to the relevant health watchdogs.