Category: Brexit

IF YOU LOVE THE UK SO MUCH, WHY DON’T YOU GO AND LIVE THERE: The Brexit voting expat community in Europe is getting its dearest wish. They are finally coming home! 

The expats have endured years upon years of horrible Spanish sunshine, disgusting picturesque beaches and unthinkable siestas. Now at last they will be able to experience the undiluted joy of damp gloomy days in some godforsaken British town. 

“We have got our bags packed, and we can’t wait to come home!” exclaimed an excited Claudia Daze. “I’m utterly delighted! It’s ok here, but we miss the sovereignty and the flags and the chill wind and the relentless drizzle!” 

Claudia’s husband, Rainier Daze, was equally enthusiastic. “To be quite honest, you can have enough of sunshine, cocktails on the beach, open air swimming pools, the easy life,” he said. “After a while, you hanker after misery, not speaking to your neighbours, and crappy government.” 

Claudia and Rainier pronounced themselves “Delighted” that the 90 days out of 180 are finally up, meaning that they can at long last return to Blighty. 

“I mean, it’s been a total nightmare, know what I mean?” said Claudia, admiring her tan. “I mean, there’s foreigners everywhere. They seem quite nice, but they won’t learn our language, and they do insist that we have paella and sangria, when really all we want is a cup of PG Tips – two sugars, please – and a Spam fritter with oven chips.”

“And ketchup,” Rainier interjected. “And you can’t get real white sliced bread or gravy granules for love or money. Thank goodness we are going back!”

Leave means Leave. So will you be swapping Cordoba for Corby? Sevilla for Swindon? Barcelona for Burton-on-Trent?

“Sounds perfect,” said Rainier, reclining on his sun lounger and sipping an exotic drink. “I can’t wait to get hammered on cheap lager…”

“…and lose all our money at the bingo…” said Claudia.

“…and have a screaming row and not talk to one another for weeks,” concluded Rainier. They both sighed contentedly and stroked their fresh new Blue Passports.

Some expats are furious at having to leave. But they don’t respect the flag, the Queen and democracy, so it doesn’t matter what they think.

BOOK EARLY TO ATTEND THE BOOK BURNING : It’s fair to say that everyone in the United Kingdom is ecstatic today with the confirmation that the government is to be committed, to the Festival of Brexit.

While the running order for the Festival is still to be finalised we have been given a leak which reveals some truly tasty events in the works.

“All the electricity in the U.K. will be diverted to a special Satanic portal being constructed just for the portal,” a source on the organising committee tells LCD Views. “Through it we expect to summon the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse to continue the work of Boris Johnson’s government.”

Other exciting spectacles are planned and some you will literally be able to warm your hands over.

“A rusty skip will be installed in the centre of the field and a book burning will be held in it. Books on economics, trade, human rights, diplomacy, conflict resolution, political accountability, global kleptocracy, history and climate change will be burnt. It just remains to decide who will pour the petrol in and who will light the match. But it will be properly symbolic.”

Union Flags will of course be compulsory with giant flag poles erected to look like the hangman’s scaffolds of old.

Perhaps the greatest moment will come in the climatic closing stages of the Festival when all remaining taxpayers’ money not already pissed away on Brexit will be burnt on a special bonfire.

”The UK’s actual royal couple, Boris and Carrie, will set fire to that blaze. God Save The Queen will be sung during the event by a troupe of Farage impersonators. Boris and Carrie are already in practice for burning the cash. And as the ashes of learning and the ashes of the UK’s last cash reserves swirl up to the heavens in the twilight you will actually, finally be able to smell Brexit.”

HOT SALTY TEARS : PROUD BREXITER Mr Bazza Gammon, 56 of Little England Street, Littler England, Ingerland, has been found having a tantrum in his living room after completing the 2021 Census.

Mr Gammon’s third wife found him “on the floor hitting the carpet with his curled up fists and screaming unstoppably”.

Mrs Gammon reportedly initially left Mr Gammon to it on the assumption that her husband had failed in his latest bid to interrupt constructive discourse in a progressive social media group.

”I just thought he got schooled trying to convince someone the Nazi’s were socialists,” Mrs Gammon told LCD Views. “Either that or someone had discovered he didn’t even serve in the catering corp of the Territorials. But it was worse than I thought.”

It was when Mr Gammon failed to come to the dinner table for a lunch of beef, corned beef, spam and turnips that Mrs Gammon decided to find out what the problem was.

“It turns out it was the Census. They didn’t list British Empire as a country of residence or birth. For Bazza that’s a terrible affront. He has a framed photo of the Queen over the toilet and everything.”

It seems Mrs Gammon did attempt to retrieve the Census form after explaining to her husband that “There was probably an Other option and he could just write it in.”

Unfortunately the form had already been submitted.

“Submitted means submitted he sobbed,” Mrs Gammon shrugged. “Still it’s not all bad. I was completely unaware he had sufficient enough grasp of written Ingerlish to fill in the form to begin with!”

PIPE DOWN I’M COUNTING MY BREXIT BENEFITS : The government has been roundly applauded this week (by itself) for the new laws it aims to bring in to clamp down on non-violent protests. As you’d expect in a famous and world beating democracy.

But what has concerned the powers that be is the wide and seemingly unstoppable inaccurate reporting about their motivations.

“Some idiots are suggesting the new anti-protest laws are being brought in because ministers are fed up with having some of the hoi polloi stand around outside parliament exercising their diminishing rights. Clearly it’s not on to question your betters. It is unacceptable to challenge their hypocrisy and lies to their faces. But that is not the reason for the laws. As if someone like Boris Johnson would be bothered by robust and democratic criticism of his numerous failings. It’s just not credible. He’s a famous liberal.”

In order to correct the misunderstandings a sweeping social media and print PR campaign will be undertaken. It won’t just be sock puppet, troll and bought and paid for accounts spreading disinformation either. There will be billboards and speeches from the new £2.6m Downing Street podium.

“Everyone must realise these new laws to crush dissent aren’t about crushing dissent because we have no answer to the dissenters. They’re about trying to keep the noise of all the spontaneous street parties that occur daily celebrating the great success that is Brexit. We don’t like to boast about how superior we are to the Continentals. We like to keep the discussion of Brexit benefits very, very quiet. So quiet you’d think none of them existed.”

WHO NEEDS TRADE : “Recent unpatriotic reports in some treasonous publications appear to be causing minor alarm amongst the right thinking people of Global Britain. This will be dealt with swiftly and decisively”, so begins the latest directions emanating from 10 Downing Street, as famous liberal Boris Johnson goes from strength to strength establishing an autocracy.

The concern in particular appears to be that some so called journalists have attempted to highlight a minor dip in trade, which is all the result of the pandemic and nothing to do with Brexit.

“As Brexit only increases the sovereignty of the United Kingdom, therefore it follows that the rumoured decrease in exports of UK goods and services to the failing continental mainland is the result of the pandemic” the missive continues. “Ensure all sock puppets and media stooges report this correctly. The beatings will continue until trade improves.”

Whether or not the fact that 10 Downing Street chose to bungle its response to the pandemic, and thus inflicted the greater than necessary damage to UK trade as a result, is not discussed.

“If bad actors continue to point out that exports have dropped off a cliff because of the choices of the government we will have no recourse but to close down all media except the state broadcasting service,” the order goes on. No surprise there.

“Up and until that point please explain to any persistent naysayers and gloomsters that the drop in UK exports is because we no longer export our sovereignty to Europe. We keep it all at home we’re no one can do anything with it.”

Message ends. Enjoy the spring patriots. May I suggest you plan some turnips.

PAINTING THE TOWN RED, WHITE AND BLUE: To give the country a much-needed Brexit boost, shopkeepers must now stock patriotic paint. Spirits must be kept up at all times!

Union Jack paint will remind customers that they are lucky Brits, and to take pride in their identity. Not like the unfortunate EU citizens, with their well-run economies and their woke approach to education and human rights. We are British, and the British are best!

Out will go magnolia. There will be no more white gloss (except in the completely non-racist, but… newspapers). Red, white and blue will be everywhere. Every house, every car, every item of clothing will bear Union Jack branding. Anyone not deemed patriotic enough will be forced to wear a yellow star (on a blue background).

Supermarkets will no longer offer Nectar Points, or anything similar. Instead Patriot Points will be available for anyone buying Union Jack branded goods. If you save enough points, then you will be eligible to claim your FREE Happy British Whelk!***

As usual, there are those few traitors who carp and complain.

“Nobody has even mastered the production of striped paint yet,” said an incredulous Payne Troller. “Surely this can’t be true! Not even our government is that stupid!”

Troller was removed by Priti Patel’s Thought Police, made to wear a whole 12 yellow stars on a blue background, and deported to reality.

In response, Patel herself took to the rostrum, all 5 foot nothin’ of her, in full dominatrix gear, and brandishing a cat o’ nine tails.

“Moanin’ will not be tolerated!” she screamed venomously. “You must believe! We are bringin’ in alternative arrangements, and a technological solution, and levellin’ up, and strainin’ every sinew, and you WILL buy this paint, or there will be consequences!”

Nobody dared to contradict her. She glared at her audience, cracked the whip threateningly, and clattered away angrily.

Better go and buy some paint, then.

***subject to the continued existence of a fishing fleet

WHAT WILL IT TAKE : DOWNING STREET was said to be in a febrile state today after the SHOCK discovery that in spite of Brexit the EU has yet to collapse.

“The Prime Minister himself is said to have ordered an URGENT INQUIRY into why the EU still exists, even after Brexit,” our Westminster correspondent reports. “The prevailing belief that the rogue trading union of peaceful nations would immediately fall to quarrelling and disunity WITHOUT BRITISH LEADERSHIP at its core is said to be SUDDENLY in question.”

What more can be done to cause the EU to fail WITHOUT BRITAIN is said to be in the scope of the inquiry and ANSWERS are needed and FAST.

“It’s not cricket,” a Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “We’re doing everything we can to destroy ourselves, why are the stubborn Europeans not playing their part?”

It is further suggested that Mr Johnson will PERSONALLY begin drinking without cessation until the inquiry reports its findings. The understanding being you can’t do this sort of thing sober.

It’s believed no less famous a research institution than the ERG will be consulted, as they have spent years “apparently researching Europe at the taxpayers expense” and must know just lots of things.

“If the EU persist in still existing without us we will have to step up our self-destruction a few years,” the source adds. “We’ve pretty much done for manufacturing and export. Daffodil farmers and fishermen are stuffed. About the only thing left to trash is the Union Jack. But if we have to we will pull it into it’s component parts and see how the recalcitrant EU likes that!”

The findings of the inquiry are due by the weekend. The results will be written in large font on one side of A4 paper.

“The prime minister is expected to dress up as a builder when he’s handed the piece of paper. Following that he won’t be bothered to read it and will just sit there punching himself in the nuts.”

SHOUT LOUDER IN ENGLISH TO BE UNDERSTOOD : BORIS JOHNSON’S PERSONAL BRITISH BULLDOG, LORD FROST, is to have his aching, inner feelings of inadequacy further quenched today after his peerage is doubled up.

The decision to double his treat allowance comes after all the gnashing of teeth and growling across the English Channel at the silly EU27 seems only to be achieving the reverse of intentions.

“Lord Lord Frost will carry a weight of unearned privilege the EU27 commissioners can only dream about,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “Double ermine? It’s as powerful as making a king in draughts. Mr Johnson had the brain wave after he found an old chequers board while hammered and spent the rest of the afternoon trying to remember what it was.”

Quite how the Europeans will take the move isn’t certain, as many may try and conceal just how intimidated they feel.

“EU27 are famous for being deeply impressed by the British system of giving out privilege in exchange for political services. They will be so envious when Lord Lord Frost walks amongst them they’ll likely go green at the gills.”

In keeping with the doubling of the title, Lord Lord Frost’s enumeration will of course also have to be doubled.

“It’s a good thing we’ve saved all that money on nurses pay,” the source adds. “Or we may not have been able to afford to do it.”

A royal is expected to stop by and do the doubling of peerage, because unfortunately it seems these days they’ll sign off on any old rubbish.

Lord Lord Frost is expected to hold a banquet to celebrate during which only British fish will be served, assuming they can find any that is still suitable for human consumption. By his deeds will he be remembered.

TAX BREAKS AHOY : The United Kingdom’s government is now captain of a buccaneering, free trading, red tape slashing, stolen Man o’ War of global trade and they want everyone to know it.

Part of the great break out is the ability to let their donors and backers do whatever the hell they like when it comes to tax and all those pesky rules and regulations that are just so boring, and really only lead to a slighter smaller offshore bank account and a functioning democracy.

“This is why we are establishing the entire U.K. as a free port for the world’s freebooters,” a swaggering source at 10 Downing Street declared. “Jam the matches into your beards and light them! We’re off to conquer the rules based order! Arrrr!”

The decision to declare openly that the country is now into piracy chimes nicely too with the decision to encourage smuggling across our borders.

“We don’t want to be bringing in customs checks and all that pernickety nonsense. It’s why we intend to unilaterally not do it, no matter what the staid old empire across the sea says. Fill your boots me hearties! Then walk right into Blighty!”

But just in case anyone hasn’t gotten the message of what the shiny new brig of Brexit Britain is about on the rolling waves of global commerce, one more signal is being sent up the main mast.

“The Free Ports won’t have to fly the Union Jack. Not that they could what with them all being in the living rooms of Tory MPs. No. Free ports will fly a much more traditional banner to declare we are open for business. The Jolly Rodger! The skull and cross bones! The black and white flag that will strike terror into Brussels! Way ho and off we go! What do we do with the drunken sailor? We make him prime minister!”

One thing is certain as the U.K. begins its buccaneering Brexit adventure, the UK’s crew of voters are getting a jolly good rodgering.