Category: Brexit

Great news for true born British potatriots this morning with the announcement from the Home Office that immigration officials will shortly be placing Cheddar Man in detention, prior to express deportation.

“It comes after Torykip members of the Conservative Party demanded the government hold a meeting of Cobra, the emergency response unit of government, after the revelation that Cheddar Man doesn’t look very British,” Doctor Wayne Kerr told LCD Views’ nativism specialist.

“In fact, there’s a real concern that the first Briton may have been an immigrant.”

But that doesn’t make much sense when squared with the Brexit Britain theory of history currently guiding the government?

“Well, archaeology has already proven that British people sprung from the soil of Britannia, after God sent an angel down to well, get creative, with a pot plant, thus proving God is an Englishman.”

What breed of plant was in the pot?

“An aspidistra,” Doctor Wayne Kerr continues, “Indeed, one of the Dead Sea Scrolls, recovered from a dig in Cheshire on the 23rd June 2016, tells how God went on a grand tour from the home counties to the Red Sea and asked the first person he encountered there, “DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH? He wasn’t impressed with the answer, so he said it again even louder.”

But how will the public take this attempt to sweep Cheddar Man under the carpet, before sweeping him back across the channel where he belongs?

“There’s a real sense that everyone in Britain is uniting behind Brexit,” Doctor Wayne Kerr answered, “I expect most will attempt to pay no attention to what is just sensible public policy of discarding any fact that is inconvenient.

Better still, the deportation of Cheddar Man will show that the cheese industry especially is set to benefit hugely from hard Briexit.

The skin colour of Cheddar Man is probably fake news anyway, how could anyone British not be transparent?

Furthermore, we all know that the sea has always protected England from invasion, with the exception of the people who wandered across, most likely from where Turkey is today, bringing farming.

Oh, and the celts after, and the Romans and their internationalist rabble, and the Saxons after, and the Scandinavians, and the French, and the various waves of refugees, and the imported Dutch and German monarchs and the Huguenots and that other group that combined to give us fish and chips and a few others.

With those exceptions set aside, the sea has always kept the pure people uniting behind Brexit British. Briton. British. Britain. Britannia. All good English words.”

LCD Views commends such speedy action on the part of the Home Office, Cheddar Man, with his potential to create dissent as we present the unified face of Global Britain to the world who just love us now, can not be allowed to spoil the story of the British.

Remember, Ms Rudd called on Britons to name and shame firms employing forinners in 2016.

Shame Cheddar Man. Shame. Keep Britain for the British!

You know who they are, a collection of immigrants who have created the country over thousands of years of immigration?

“Furthermore, it will soon be illegal to even suggest British people weren’t always British!” Yes, thank you Doctor Wayne Kerr, haven’t you a University of Life lecture to give?

INDIG-NATION : HOW BLOODY DARE THEY?!@@*%*# Is a question being asked up and down the MIGHTY UNITED KINGDOM today after member countries in the EU SINKING SHIP applied third country rules to NOBLE BRITS!

”It’s like they EU doesn’t even realise it has already failed just by giving us exactly what we demanded?” Mr Gammon Gammon, 69 Gammon Lane, Gammon asked today as the PETTY REVENGE tactics of the failing tyrannical superstate kicked in. Otherwise known as third country rules.

“You know they’ve never SIGNED OFF THEIR ACCOUNTS?” he added, for good measure. “We live by our OWN RULES. We’re an EMPIRE. Forrins don’t get to tell us what to do! Especially not in their own backyards.”

Quite what the UNELECTED OFFICIALS in BRUSSELS will do now that they have raised the righteous indignation of THE GREATEST COUNTRY ON EARTH isn’t yet clear. What’s left? They’ve already destroyed our fishing fleets! PATHETIC.

But we all know THEY NEED US MORE THAN WE NEED THEM.

“Their economy will collapse without our pensioners dodging tax on the Costa del Sol!” Mr Gammon adds, talking entirely in red face rage font.

“We knew what we were voting for! And years of REMOANERS pointing out it’s going to be unmitigated crap if we get it DOESN’T COUNT. If they’d believed in BRITAIN Brussels would have folded!”

He threw more down, or is it up?

“How dare they? You just wait. The entire project is about to collapse! The German car industry is about to FORCE BRUSSELS TO buy OUR FISH!”

At this point we should go to Brussels to get comment, BUT THIS IS A BRITISH TABLOID AND WE DON’T TALK TO FOREIGNERS WHO CAN’T SPEAK ENGLISH ANYWAY!

TAKE THAT EU! You keep throwing BRAVE BRITS OUT. Keep it up with all the rules that allow dozens of countries to work together for mutual benefit, and see what happens once COVID CAN NO LONGER conceal how hard WE’VE PUNCHED OURSELVES IN THE FACE!

IF YOU LOVE THE UK SO MUCH, WHY DON’T YOU GO AND LIVE THERE: The Brexit voting expat community in Europe is getting its dearest wish. They are finally coming home! 

The expats have endured years upon years of horrible Spanish sunshine, disgusting picturesque beaches and unthinkable siestas. Now at last they will be able to experience the undiluted joy of damp gloomy days in some godforsaken British town. 

“We have got our bags packed, and we can’t wait to come home!” exclaimed an excited Claudia Daze. “I’m utterly delighted! It’s ok here, but we miss the sovereignty and the flags and the chill wind and the relentless drizzle!” 

Claudia’s husband, Rainier Daze, was equally enthusiastic. “To be quite honest, you can have enough of sunshine, cocktails on the beach, open air swimming pools, the easy life,” he said. “After a while, you hanker after misery, not speaking to your neighbours, and crappy government.” 

Claudia and Rainier pronounced themselves “Delighted” that the 90 days out of 180 are finally up, meaning that they can at long last return to Blighty. 

“I mean, it’s been a total nightmare, know what I mean?” said Claudia, admiring her tan. “I mean, there’s foreigners everywhere. They seem quite nice, but they won’t learn our language, and they do insist that we have paella and sangria, when really all we want is a cup of PG Tips – two sugars, please – and a Spam fritter with oven chips.”

“And ketchup,” Rainier interjected. “And you can’t get real white sliced bread or gravy granules for love or money. Thank goodness we are going back!”

Leave means Leave. So will you be swapping Cordoba for Corby? Sevilla for Swindon? Barcelona for Burton-on-Trent?

“Sounds perfect,” said Rainier, reclining on his sun lounger and sipping an exotic drink. “I can’t wait to get hammered on cheap lager…”

“…and lose all our money at the bingo…” said Claudia.

“…and have a screaming row and not talk to one another for weeks,” concluded Rainier. They both sighed contentedly and stroked their fresh new Blue Passports.

Some expats are furious at having to leave. But they don’t respect the flag, the Queen and democracy, so it doesn’t matter what they think.

BOOK EARLY TO ATTEND THE BOOK BURNING : It’s fair to say that everyone in the United Kingdom is ecstatic today with the confirmation that the government is to be committed, to the Festival of Brexit.

While the running order for the Festival is still to be finalised we have been given a leak which reveals some truly tasty events in the works.

“All the electricity in the U.K. will be diverted to a special Satanic portal being constructed just for the portal,” a source on the organising committee tells LCD Views. “Through it we expect to summon the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse to continue the work of Boris Johnson’s government.”

Other exciting spectacles are planned and some you will literally be able to warm your hands over.

“A rusty skip will be installed in the centre of the field and a book burning will be held in it. Books on economics, trade, human rights, diplomacy, conflict resolution, political accountability, global kleptocracy, history and climate change will be burnt. It just remains to decide who will pour the petrol in and who will light the match. But it will be properly symbolic.”

Union Flags will of course be compulsory with giant flag poles erected to look like the hangman’s scaffolds of old.

Perhaps the greatest moment will come in the climatic closing stages of the Festival when all remaining taxpayers’ money not already pissed away on Brexit will be burnt on a special bonfire.

”The UK’s actual royal couple, Boris and Carrie, will set fire to that blaze. God Save The Queen will be sung during the event by a troupe of Farage impersonators. Boris and Carrie are already in practice for burning the cash. And as the ashes of learning and the ashes of the UK’s last cash reserves swirl up to the heavens in the twilight you will actually, finally be able to smell Brexit.”

HOT SALTY TEARS : PROUD BREXITER Mr Bazza Gammon, 56 of Little England Street, Littler England, Ingerland, has been found having a tantrum in his living room after completing the 2021 Census.

Mr Gammon’s third wife found him “on the floor hitting the carpet with his curled up fists and screaming unstoppably”.

Mrs Gammon reportedly initially left Mr Gammon to it on the assumption that her husband had failed in his latest bid to interrupt constructive discourse in a progressive social media group.

”I just thought he got schooled trying to convince someone the Nazi’s were socialists,” Mrs Gammon told LCD Views. “Either that or someone had discovered he didn’t even serve in the catering corp of the Territorials. But it was worse than I thought.”

It was when Mr Gammon failed to come to the dinner table for a lunch of beef, corned beef, spam and turnips that Mrs Gammon decided to find out what the problem was.

“It turns out it was the Census. They didn’t list British Empire as a country of residence or birth. For Bazza that’s a terrible affront. He has a framed photo of the Queen over the toilet and everything.”

It seems Mrs Gammon did attempt to retrieve the Census form after explaining to her husband that “There was probably an Other option and he could just write it in.”

Unfortunately the form had already been submitted.

“Submitted means submitted he sobbed,” Mrs Gammon shrugged. “Still it’s not all bad. I was completely unaware he had sufficient enough grasp of written Ingerlish to fill in the form to begin with!”

PIPE DOWN I’M COUNTING MY BREXIT BENEFITS : The government has been roundly applauded this week (by itself) for the new laws it aims to bring in to clamp down on non-violent protests. As you’d expect in a famous and world beating democracy.

But what has concerned the powers that be is the wide and seemingly unstoppable inaccurate reporting about their motivations.

“Some idiots are suggesting the new anti-protest laws are being brought in because ministers are fed up with having some of the hoi polloi stand around outside parliament exercising their diminishing rights. Clearly it’s not on to question your betters. It is unacceptable to challenge their hypocrisy and lies to their faces. But that is not the reason for the laws. As if someone like Boris Johnson would be bothered by robust and democratic criticism of his numerous failings. It’s just not credible. He’s a famous liberal.”

In order to correct the misunderstandings a sweeping social media and print PR campaign will be undertaken. It won’t just be sock puppet, troll and bought and paid for accounts spreading disinformation either. There will be billboards and speeches from the new £2.6m Downing Street podium.

“Everyone must realise these new laws to crush dissent aren’t about crushing dissent because we have no answer to the dissenters. They’re about trying to keep the noise of all the spontaneous street parties that occur daily celebrating the great success that is Brexit. We don’t like to boast about how superior we are to the Continentals. We like to keep the discussion of Brexit benefits very, very quiet. So quiet you’d think none of them existed.”

WHO NEEDS TRADE : “Recent unpatriotic reports in some treasonous publications appear to be causing minor alarm amongst the right thinking people of Global Britain. This will be dealt with swiftly and decisively”, so begins the latest directions emanating from 10 Downing Street, as famous liberal Boris Johnson goes from strength to strength establishing an autocracy.

The concern in particular appears to be that some so called journalists have attempted to highlight a minor dip in trade, which is all the result of the pandemic and nothing to do with Brexit.

“As Brexit only increases the sovereignty of the United Kingdom, therefore it follows that the rumoured decrease in exports of UK goods and services to the failing continental mainland is the result of the pandemic” the missive continues. “Ensure all sock puppets and media stooges report this correctly. The beatings will continue until trade improves.”

Whether or not the fact that 10 Downing Street chose to bungle its response to the pandemic, and thus inflicted the greater than necessary damage to UK trade as a result, is not discussed.

“If bad actors continue to point out that exports have dropped off a cliff because of the choices of the government we will have no recourse but to close down all media except the state broadcasting service,” the order goes on. No surprise there.

“Up and until that point please explain to any persistent naysayers and gloomsters that the drop in UK exports is because we no longer export our sovereignty to Europe. We keep it all at home we’re no one can do anything with it.”

Message ends. Enjoy the spring patriots. May I suggest you plan some turnips.

PAINTING THE TOWN RED, WHITE AND BLUE: To give the country a much-needed Brexit boost, shopkeepers must now stock patriotic paint. Spirits must be kept up at all times!

Union Jack paint will remind customers that they are lucky Brits, and to take pride in their identity. Not like the unfortunate EU citizens, with their well-run economies and their woke approach to education and human rights. We are British, and the British are best!

Out will go magnolia. There will be no more white gloss (except in the completely non-racist, but… newspapers). Red, white and blue will be everywhere. Every house, every car, every item of clothing will bear Union Jack branding. Anyone not deemed patriotic enough will be forced to wear a yellow star (on a blue background).

Supermarkets will no longer offer Nectar Points, or anything similar. Instead Patriot Points will be available for anyone buying Union Jack branded goods. If you save enough points, then you will be eligible to claim your FREE Happy British Whelk!***

As usual, there are those few traitors who carp and complain.

“Nobody has even mastered the production of striped paint yet,” said an incredulous Payne Troller. “Surely this can’t be true! Not even our government is that stupid!”

Troller was removed by Priti Patel’s Thought Police, made to wear a whole 12 yellow stars on a blue background, and deported to reality.

In response, Patel herself took to the rostrum, all 5 foot nothin’ of her, in full dominatrix gear, and brandishing a cat o’ nine tails.

“Moanin’ will not be tolerated!” she screamed venomously. “You must believe! We are bringin’ in alternative arrangements, and a technological solution, and levellin’ up, and strainin’ every sinew, and you WILL buy this paint, or there will be consequences!”

Nobody dared to contradict her. She glared at her audience, cracked the whip threateningly, and clattered away angrily.

Better go and buy some paint, then.

***subject to the continued existence of a fishing fleet

WHAT WILL IT TAKE : DOWNING STREET was said to be in a febrile state today after the SHOCK discovery that in spite of Brexit the EU has yet to collapse.

“The Prime Minister himself is said to have ordered an URGENT INQUIRY into why the EU still exists, even after Brexit,” our Westminster correspondent reports. “The prevailing belief that the rogue trading union of peaceful nations would immediately fall to quarrelling and disunity WITHOUT BRITISH LEADERSHIP at its core is said to be SUDDENLY in question.”

What more can be done to cause the EU to fail WITHOUT BRITAIN is said to be in the scope of the inquiry and ANSWERS are needed and FAST.

“It’s not cricket,” a Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “We’re doing everything we can to destroy ourselves, why are the stubborn Europeans not playing their part?”

It is further suggested that Mr Johnson will PERSONALLY begin drinking without cessation until the inquiry reports its findings. The understanding being you can’t do this sort of thing sober.

It’s believed no less famous a research institution than the ERG will be consulted, as they have spent years “apparently researching Europe at the taxpayers expense” and must know just lots of things.

“If the EU persist in still existing without us we will have to step up our self-destruction a few years,” the source adds. “We’ve pretty much done for manufacturing and export. Daffodil farmers and fishermen are stuffed. About the only thing left to trash is the Union Jack. But if we have to we will pull it into it’s component parts and see how the recalcitrant EU likes that!”

The findings of the inquiry are due by the weekend. The results will be written in large font on one side of A4 paper.

“The prime minister is expected to dress up as a builder when he’s handed the piece of paper. Following that he won’t be bothered to read it and will just sit there punching himself in the nuts.”