Category: Brexit

STRONG AND STABLE GOVERNMENT : UK PM K Starmer has sought to reassure voters today, with many still “harbouring cooling hopes he may bring revolutionary change in our relationship with Europe”.

In particular he is thought to be targeting the substantial cohort of voters who ticked Labour at the last election, under the misguided belief that he wasn’t really a Brexiter. People can change and they sometimes do. Just not always in ways you expect.

“I’m not in office to sow confusion,” he told a gathering of mostly right wing, partisan journalists who would write up whatever they liked later because Leveson 2 is still in the bin. And importantly, there seems currently to be not the slightest inclination to remove Rupert Murdoch as the UK’s head of state, and spiritual father to much of the media he doesn’t own.

“I want to make this absolutely clear. Clarity is very important to government. You can be reassured what I am saying is what I am saying.”

Exactly what he was talking about wasn’t clear however, to anyone paying attention, as it seemed to be a stream of consciousness, comprised of platitudes, seized on by his comms team and interjected hypodermically into his cerebel cortex.

“You can be sure I have the country’s best interests at heart. The United Kingdom is the greatest country on earth. The appearance of being in a coma is just playing dead to fool our enemies.”

But once the oratorial flourish was finished, he did get down to business.

“Many are wondering what my government is for? Answers on a postcard please. In all seriousness. Just because we are still freezing pensioners, raising tuition fees to prop up a failed university funding model, not taking water back into public hands, increasing the cap on bus fares and fuel bills, and stating the same ridiculous Brexit mantras as the catalogue of catastrophic Tory governments that preceded us, doesn’t mean we are not different.”

A credible statement, given there has not yet been a serious attempt to loot the public purse.

But when pressed on Brexit specifically, and why he is keeping red lines that only allow the UK to sink deeper into the “tepid bath of managed decline”, Mr Starmer finally went off script and answered directly.

“I will ignore it. It will get bored and go away.” Before adding, “You are aware that the Sun will eventually supernova and swallow up the Earth and extinguish all life? Not even Brexit will survive that.”

Some say.

WHY DON’T THEY UNDERSTAND THAT WE JUST WANT TO LEAVE? A woman well known for her ability to hold down a position of responsibility has opened her mouth again. She has been sacked, twice, by one of the most irresponsible governments in history. This merely displays her high calibre in the looking-glass world that is Brexit Britain.

Leave means leave, and Brexit means it’s OK to be horrible to foreigners, dogs, and the poor. If nothing else, it is being able to cut off your nose to spite your face, then go on to political chat shows to complain when anybody points this out.

“Black is white, up is down, the Emperor is wearing the finest garments, and anyone who says otherwise is a woke lefty!” exclaimed the woman to anyone who would listen. Unfortunately, this means her drivel is presented as fact on every front page in the land.

Education is her woke hobby horse of the moment. “We will always want to attract the brightest and best to come from abroad to give are cuntry a leg-up,” she said. Alleged journalists nodded sagely and failed to question her assertion. This was great stuff, front page news. Who says that Brexiters hate foreigners?

“But we must stop them coming into are universities,” she continued. Her fan club failed to notice anything wrong with this.

The woman, clearly flustered by the adoring silence, gave herself a prompt.

“Why do we do this?” she asked. “I’m glad you asked,” she answered. “We need to free up space for British people. British people who beg for huge loans which will make us richer. I mean, help the economy grow. Why should we waste are precious resources educating foreigners?”

Quite so.

“So the brightest and best will not come here to work on their brightness or bestness,” she concluded. “That’s what the inferior foreign universities are for!”

The Emperor is naked, old, flabby, and wrinkled, but only the woke lefties realise it.

MODERN BRITISH CUISINE : Awe inspiring news this morning to warm the cockles of the fearless race that tirelessly inhabits the sodden lump of turf off the coast of France.

While the Gauls languish in the prison of their staid and unchanging cuisine, as if sentenced by a just food deity, the Brits are doing something else entirely.

”While the Iberians sleep through the dank days on the peninsula bemoaning their fate, as if they could turn back time and be conquered by a British armada, we here in Blighty are now free of EU red tape that prevented us from enjoying the full range of forageable produce our blessed island enjoys,” Business Secretary and grade one idiot Bad Enoch informed the country.

When pressed to list the expanded range of consumables ONLY ENJOYED BY SOVEREIGN BRITS she said, “Concrete. Especially pavements. You can also now fish in potholes.”

It’s not yet clear how the listless Italians on their boot will take the news, trapped as they are in their homes doomed for eternity to eat only flour mixed with water.

”We can only hope they learn from our example,” Bad Enoch shrugged. The only thing she’s ever been right about.

Bon apetit.

DAY IN AND DAY OUT : THE UK’S OUTGOING PRIME MINISTER, RISHI “THE HAMMER” SUNAK, HAS RELEASED TOUCHING, PERSONAL PHOTOS OF HOW HE WORKS ON THE UK’S BIGGEST PROBLEMS.

The photos are all in a classy black and white, chosen not only for the artistic panache that brings, but to symbolise the old world ideas to class and international relations his government engenders.

“We wanted the Great British public to see Rishi how he works,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “We want people to see the authentic Sunak, not the vulture capitalist that it’s too easy to mistake him for. Your priorities are his priorities. Most notably, your bank account.”

The series of images do display an impressive athletic side to the pint sized dynamo PM that many would not have suspected.

“It’s not all just trying to work out how to be meaner to vulnerable groups to please Daily Mail gobshites,” the spokesman informs, “it’s not just about imagining what does Nigel Farage really want? And then making it policy without any care for the unintended, and often intended, consequences. No, a lot of time is spent quietly contemplating what’s inside the man himself and how that could be used as inspiration for governance.”

Early views of the photos do seem to have raised an appreciative eyebrow or two.

“I thought here he was, Dishy, just emulating the cackhanded efforts of the other Tory PMs since 2010. You know, telling the electorate you’re going to be cruel and then setting about doing it, while personally enriching yourself. But it seems there is more to it,” one voter commented, “he’s not just a man of metaphor old Fishy, when people say he’s got his head up his arse, they actually mean it!”

The PM’s posture is, without any doubt, not only a classic Tory power stance, but the explanation for all of the UK’s problems. Just good luck if you’re waiting on him for any answers.

FOOD FIGHT : 10 Downing Street is determined to build on its tangible successes in combat with the EU this week, by wreaking havoc on the home front.

As reports of fresh produce shortages continue, your unelected PM, Dishi Fishy Rishi, is not pausing in gorging at his political banquet. He’s grabbing what’s in front of him with both hands and shovelling it into his maw. Just as soon as he can get the platinum spoon, he was born with, out of the way.

“So what if you can’t get any tomatoes due to a seismic event on Mount Fuji?” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “So what if any fresh produce you can obtain mysteriously rots in the shopping bag before you get home? You have your freedom back. Freedom to choose which mouldy lemon you make lemonade with. They can’t say that in Europe. If you’re so bothered over starving you should have got elected to parliament.”

However, concerns continue that some people may notice the reduction in choice while shopping.

“Why people are wasting money on food when they have energy firms to enrich is beyond us,” the spokesman admitted. “But for some baffling reason half starving a half frozen population seems to be hitting us in the polls. Privately we blame Labour. It’s not enough to keep validating Brexit for us, they have to demand the recalcitrant EU sends us food aid.”

How to combat the public perception that not being able to achieve the coveted ‘five a day’ means the UK is in a bad place, in spite of all its sovereignty?

“Words. Words always deal with reality,” the spokesman is confident. “This is why Downing Street has ordered all ministers to start saying ‘these are Great Britain’s salad days’ in interviews. And to do it all week!”

“Get Salad Done!” is also being planned for deployment, alongside “Salad Means Salad!”.

“Seeing doesn’t have the be believing,” the spokesman added. “You can decide your country’s entire future by just closing your eyes and picturing a lettuce.”

GREAT BRITISH RATIONS : The UK’s world beating Prime Minister, Rishi Sunak, is expected to easily resolve the Great British fresh food crisis, just as soon as he learns about it.

“The PM has a lot on his to-do list,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “what with the mess the last Labour government left the British fresh produce sector in. But I can reassure the public just as soon as whoever does his grocery shopping sees an empty basket in the Harrods fresh produce section, he will be alerted, and he will take action.”

What form the action will take is yet to be determined because the PM is yet to recognise the problem, but the smart money is on a combination of a “hi-vis walkabout in a polytunnel, while a Spitfire flies overhead and with a lot of meaningful pointing at where tomorrow’s tomatoes will be.”

In the interim the public is advised not to “riot at Aldi” and to sing any song “by Elgar”.

But Sunak may not have the luxury of time as Labour are calling on the government to “march right into Brussels” and “make Brexit work”, just like they would, clearly, “because it’s not a populist fraud” and definitely something everyone should still keep agreeing with was a democratic decision, in spite of the reluctance of the government to make public knowledge or foreign interference.

“I don’t know why everyone is in such a lather over tomatoes,” the spokesman added. “They’re a foreign fruit and we don’t like anything foreign anymore, except for confidential loans from friends overseas. This crisis will soon be followed by another, so why is everyone getting so worked up about it? Save your energy for the next crisis.”

In the mean time LCD Views urges the PM to immediately phone Brussels and remind them that “their fresh fruit and veg growers need us more than we need them!”.

TWELVE YEARS AND COUNTING THE COST : The Old Lady of Threadneedle Street has done her part again today to ensure strong and stable government by raising interest rates to 3%.

“While it’s clear a graduated return to more historically normal interest rates would be smarter,” a fictional Bank spokesman told LCD Views, “we prefer to place millions of mortgage holders in front of the fire and watch them sweat.”

The stated reason for the interest rate rise is an attempt to get a grip on the UK’s world leading inflation.

“People are engaging in a truly reckless credit splurge,” the spokesman said. “They’re spending on food, heating, transport and the like. Some are even buying their children clothes on credit. It’s incredibly irresponsible and we have to step in.”

The other reasons given are the Pandemic and the War. It’s obvious these are unhelpful, allied to the Chinese closure of its economy so the President there can enjoy moving over a billion people around like tiny pieces on his giant chessboard.

“There is of course one UK specific factor that is an accelerant on our inflation rates and assisting in slamming us into a very long recession.”

Which is?

“I’m not allowed to mention it.”

Go on.

“I can’t. It’s forbidden. Just head over to the BBC and read an article on the economy. You won’t find any mention of it.”

Why can’t you mention what you won’t mention?

“Because to do so would be to mention the massive scat cherry on top of a giant scat layer cake which is twelve years of bad policy choices.”

Can you give us a hint?

“You know which idiots have been in charge.”

No. I know that. I mean what is the massive scat cherry on top of twelve years of terrible Tory policies?

“You say it and I’ll blink once for yes and two for no.”

Brexit.

Blink and you’ll miss it. In compliant UK media articles and the political establishment. You can’t miss it in your household expenses.

THE TANGY SMELL OF SOVEREIGNTY : FURY IN 10 DOWNING STREET today after the TYRANNICAL EUROCRATS IN BRUSSELS took aim at ONE OF BRITAIN’S GREATEST ACHIEVEMENTS.

The latest stink rising over relations between the SOVEREIGN UNITED KINGDOM and the FAILING, UNDEMOCRATIC SUPERSTATE is wafting up from an update to EU navigational maps.

“It just shows how they’ve still not resigned themselves to the British peoples’ democratic decision following the advice of a criminally corrupted, advisory referendum to make Nigel Farage’s fever dream reality,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views.

“Things will never improve for the European Union until they accept that we have left and bought ourselves a sports car. It’s just embarrassing how they follow around after us in that beaten up old station wagon with the kids screaming in the back. Have some self-respect.”

But responding to the even handed and self controlled criticism from the INVENTOR OF DEMOCRACY the EU were typically peevish.

“As far as we can discern you’ve used your sovereignty to fill the seas around your country with raw sewage. That’s the sum total of your achievements? Frankly it stinks. A little perfume centred joke on our part is the least of your concerns. Not to mention your attitude to refugees, which frankly stinks too, and that’s an understatement.”

It’s unclear yet what measures Downing Street will take over the latest cynical OUTRAGE from the Continent, but it’s believed the Home Office is drawing up plans to extend British sewage pipes all the way to France.

“That will show them who is boss,” the Downing Street spokesman chuckled, “when Nigel Farage moves his portaloo from our beaches onto the ones at Calais the EU will really know what they’ve lost.”

In the interim however the government will require mapmakers in the UK to update their charts to reflect the latest RED TAPE FROM BRUSSELS.

“English Chanel is like English Champagne,” the spokesman added, “who needs Europe?”

THE LORD HELPS THOSE WHO HELP THEMSELVES : The UK’s latest Secretary of State, Lord Barrowball Furness, has taken steps today to advise “living and breathing Britons” on how best they can help themselves through the current cost of living crisis.

“The beatings will continue until moral improves,” Lord Furness of Spite told the media, and laughed disarmingly. “We here at the newly established Ministry of Economic Death want Britons to know that if you help yourself during the cost of living crisis we will help you. While we can’t shield you totally from the crisis caused by the next Labour government, we will do what we can in an era of necessary austerity.”

The help appears to be innovative too.

“We know some of you are sitting on two perfectly good kidneys. A fat liver. Two functioning lungs and so on. Two fine retinas. If you already have an organ donor card than you’ve made the psychological step required to prosper in Britannia Unchained.”

To this end the Ministry of Death is setting up a digital exchange where ordinary, hardworking Britons can “sell or barter spare organs”.

“There is no concern over the legality of the new measures. The organ exchanges will be based in Charter Cities and you can just hop on a rail replacement bus service and take yourself, and that profitable organ, to the nearest private hospital and get money on the nail. Your rising mortgage repayments will seem trivial next to the payment for a kidney. Just look after your health and the remaining one will see you through.”

To access the newest free market all you will need to do is download the app.

“Download Great British Organs today. Consider how you may profit personally and literally by giving a fellow patriot a helping hand. Wait. Did I say giving? I meant selling. This is what freedom is all about free of the shackles of the sclerotic EU. Sell yourself out today. I know I have and boy is it profitable.”

A PATRIOTIC PINT OF SUPER PLEASE : 10 Downing Street has allegedly taken some time out today from phoning backbench Tory MPs to threaten them for failing to support the PM, to focus on the cost of living crisis.

The inability to stop the cost of basic necessities rising to aspirational levels is clearly unrelated to any decision made by the ruling Tories, and definitely nothing to do with Brexit.

“Free trade deals with Mars and Jupiter will solve the minor impact of erecting trade barriers with all our former major trading partners,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. ”Brexit is not to blame and a memorandum of understanding with Saturn’s rings will see a dramatic fall in the cost of everyday goods just as soon as a colony is established on them in 2604.”

But Downing Street is impatient for faster gains and so is acting now.

“The growth of the bunting and flag sectors has now been maximised by placing crowns on pint glasses. This is the way we will demonstrate the tangible benefits of Brexit. But it’s not just by taking actions we could have taken as part of the EU. We will smash safety and employment standards, and top that off by making the eyewatering cost of fuel an almost sexual experience for all patriots.”

While the full details are still to be worked out it’s believed the major excitement copies what has happened with pints.

“Just imagine how engorged you’ll feel when you see a crown symbol on the petrol pump as you empty your weekly wad into your car? And there is nothing Brussels can do to stop us feeling completely screwed afterwards!”