Category: Austerity

Environment Secretary and all round figure of fun, Michael “Wood-Burning” Gove, is looking forward to a time where people routinely shiver and put the heating on. This mythical, apocalyptic epoch is commonly known as August.

Wood-Burning Gove realises that a fuel crisis is on the horizon. Post Brexit, Scotland will seize control of North Sea oil and gas. Nimbys will be encouraged to tear down wind turbines, and foreign ships bearing coals will be prohibited from docking at Newcastle.

Instead, he has advised seeking out the heat of another body. “Cuddling is free!” he spluttered at a recent press conference. “So is doing the jiggly-wiggly. Even poor people are able to do it. No more costly heating bills. Doink for Britain!”

Burning wood is another option. “It literally grows on trees!” Gove crackled, like a log blazing away merrily. “One decent sized tree can keep a person warm for up to a week. If, like me, you own a tract of sustainable forest, that’s you sorted.”

Hence his new nickname, bestowed upon him by reliably doolally Boris-wannabe Liz Truss.

The remainder of the population not in possession of acres of managed woodland will have to resort to the arms of our loved ones. This brings further challenges. We have all been royally screwed, so the birthrate is set to rise enormously.

Fortunately, this coincides with a huge increase in demand for child labour. Many vacancies for lovable cockney pickpockets now exist, and demand for chimney sweeps is expected to go through the roof.

Gove, predictably, hailed this as a triumph. “Britain now leads the world in employment opportunities for the under-fives,” he drooled. “Children will get a massive dose of reality. There’s a massive Brexit Dividend for you!”

And off he went, singing:

“Why should we break our backs
Stupidly paying tax?
Better get some untaxed income
Better to pick a pocket or two.

Large amounts don’t grow on trees.
You’ve got to pick a pocket or two!”

Fatberg stocks are surging in early trading this morning on the back of fears of post Brexit cooking fat shortages.

Fortunes are reportedly being made as we go to print as early adopters of a fat first investment strategy cash out leading to fears already that the bull market in fatberg stocks is now a bubble and about to go into bear territory.

”People shouldn’t worry their busy heads over all this loose talk of a fat bubble,” investment guru Jacob Rees-robs told LCD Views financial expert, “with the rationing and cooking supplies shortages in general to follow our successful departure from the overfed European Union, anyone holding onto fat now will be certain to see a considerable return if they sell out March 30th 2019.”

There are even rumours in the market that the current little reported spike in share price for the UK’s leading cosmetic surgery business, Fat, Suck n Bigger Bust, is driven by a suspicion that the tanks in the shed out the back of their Harley Street operation will soon have a price tag on them higher than Fight Club soap.

”Personally I would equip myself with breathing apparatus, a good pair of Wellington boots, a bucket and a shovel and go underneath Downing Street and fill the bucket to the brim,” Rees-robs advised,

“Once the awareness that all the turgid nonsense the serving cabinet spout out daily is flushed down into the ageing sewer network underneath the Cabinet Office and Downing Street, it will be a fat rush. Get to it. It’s also excellent practise for learning to forage. But not on my estate as I am looking forward to shooting poachers next year.”

While emerging market specialist Jacob is clearly blithe, our expert is a little more circumspect.

”Put your money into English champagne,” he says, “oh, and eat as much of anything soaked in lard as you can right now, in the lead up to Brexit. This way you’ll be safer as you’ll be carrying your equity with you wherever you go. You can then suck out your own love handles daily and just like all the bad boys of Brexit, you’ll be able to enjoy the dividend.”

National pub operator P.Q. Widdershins has announced that it will no longer employ staff using unpopular “zero hours” contracts and instead plans to return to the time honoured British tradition of indentured servitude.

“Zero hours contracts are a European innovation, which have no place in a post Brexit Britain ” explained company owner Tom Widdershins, pointing out that they had originated in the communist Soviet empire, and had only arrived in Britain as a result of the ridiculous decision by the European Union to allow the accession of uncivilised East European countries.

“The moment we free ourselves from the shackles of nefarious European interference we will be free to re-introduce slavery across the whole chain,” he said, denying this was a backwards move.

It’s the 300 years of the slave trade that made Britain the global economic powerhouse and champion of freedom and democracy that it is today, he explained.

“The great British port cities of Bristol, Liverpool and Glasgow, and indeed the foundations of the British Empire, were built from the profits of “traditional British slavery,” he crowed, draping an unfeasibly large Union Jack over his shoulders, saluting violently and glaring stone-faced into the middle distance.

“The sooner we face that truth and return to our great British traditions, the better it will be for all of us,” he added.

However critics have suggested that the move is just another cynical pro-Brexit flag waving stunt aimed at disguising a cynical scam to cut labour costs and boost profits.

“That’s a blatant lie put about by Jeremy Corbyn and his Marxist Momentum apparatchiks,” snarled Widdershins angrily, apparently unaware that Corbyn is actually a strong supporter of Brexit.

Pointing out that the return to slavery would provide a massive boost for British industry Widdershins pledged to institute a “buy British” policy across his countrywide  chain.

“We have ordered all the necessary whips, shackles, manacles, padlocks, chains, thumbscrews and neck braces from British factories, he said, confirming that, yes, as far as he knew, no other countries currently allow their production or sale.

Responding to criticism of the plan to reintroduce slavery, Chansy Tana, a spokesperson for Widdershins PR representatives; Sock-puppet & Troll, claimed that the change could actually prove popular with the chain’s thousands of serving staff.

“Uninformed people, leftist agitators and terrorists criticise zero hours contracts but when we offered lower paid alternatives a few years back most of our staff preferred to keep them,” she said suggesting that the new slavery contracts would prove even more popular.

“Not that they have a choice. Maybe they’ll even beg us to whip them harder,” she sniggered.

The move to reintroduce “traditional British slavery” comes only days after Widdershins announced that it was planning to phase out dirty European drinks like French champagne and German wheat beer in favour of “traditional British” alternatives like Australian wine and Guinness, all served in traditional British glasses, imported from France – the source of most catering glassware used in the UK.

Commenting on criticism of the move, Tana denied that it would significantly impact customer choice.

“The lowlifes that frequent our establishments generally order champagne at the end of an evening’s boozing, by which time  they are quite frankly so far off their tits that you could piss in a bottle and add a dash of bicarb and they’d think it was Krug,” she yawned.

The receiver of the failed budget chain Poundworld has revealed that it will sell the core business as a going concern. For 99p.

Spokesman Penny Pincher for the receivers, Deplete Hiveoff and Sell, spoke to LCD Views.

“We will get the best possible deal for our shareholders,” said Pincher. “Given the current value of the pound, each item of stock will be sold for 63p.”

That doesn’t sound like a good deal to me…

“It’s like this. We are leaving the market,” Pincher declared. “This is the best possible deal. Many people appreciate a bargain. We are free, at last, from the tyranny of the High Street. Insolvency means insolvency!”

And the employees, what will happen to them?

“They knew what they were getting into when they applied for their jobs,” said Pincher. “No frills means no frills means zero-hours contracts and no redundancy pay. This is the benefit of dodging – I mean, circumventing – employment regulations. Less red tape means lower prices. And of course the business can scrape together enough cash to struggle on.”

What about the stores?

“Many will achieve closure. That’s good, right?” Pincher asked, rhetorically. “Empty units will cost too much in council tax, so they will be levelled and sold off as urban car parking. Everybody wins!”

Except the redundant employees. And the shareholders.

“Shareholders will get a generous dividend,” claimed Pincher. “Once our costs have been accounted for, naturally. Everyone will profit from the 99p we will raise from the sale of the business.”

Why 99p? Shouldn’t Poundworld sell for a pound?

“What, and be associated with all those other failures that sold for a pound?” she snorts. “Barings Bank, BHS, MFI and the Millennium Dome?”

Tell you what. We’ll bung you a fiver, buy the lot, and set up our own retail park in the Dome. Pop the penny in the charity tin. Cheers.

Expressions of sympathy were being sent to Theresa Mayhem Maybot today after revelations that a cabinet ouija board session not only successfully contacted former prime minister Margaret Thatcher, but a message was successfully transmitted during the session.

“It was frightening stuff,” Philip Hammond, Chancellor of a Shrinking Chequer, told LCD Views’ arcane arts specialist, “we drew the curtains late at night. Lit a candle. Got the board out that Margaret herself used to communicate with the devil during her premiership and…well, that’s when it happened. The curtains fluttered in a mystic wind and the board started spelling out a message to Ms May.”

Quite why the government has turned to occult practises to attempt to find solutions to complex policy choices is anyone’s guess.

“It’s not hard to guess,” Mr Hammond interrupted our scribe, “we’ve had thousands of civil servants under the cosh for two years to solve the problems thrown up by Brexit and we’ve got nothing. So we’ve turned to magic.

I’m against it. This is why you never hear of me. I’m spending my time at the pumps trying to stop the economic ship sinking, while these bastards keep drilling more holes in the hull.

I only hope I can survive it. Which is of course what all of the senior politicians across the divide who you don’t hear from are hoping.

At least we’re all millionaires, so whatever happens, we’ll be alright.

But if I can hold on until we get a new prime minister that is opposed to Brexit, I must just get to play with my big calculator in a fun way.”

But enough about you, what was the message?

“Oh, it was simple.”

Yes?

“Yes.”

Phil….

“Margaret said tell Theresa I’m waiting for her in Hell to discuss the value of the single market.”

Boris has promised this reduction in working hours in response to the latest statistics. Manufacturing is shrinking and prices are rising. As usual, there is a madness to Boris’s method.

“Tourism is vital to the economy,” he gibbered. “With a four-day weekend, we can all spend time and money in Cornwall! Boost the economy and have one’s hols at the same time!”

But working shorter hours means less pay. Nobody will be able to afford the price of a Cornish holiday.

“Nonsense, pish and tush, my dear fellow,” Boris burbled. “We will simply work smarter!”

Those of us who remember the 1970s will remember hardship and power cuts.

“Ooo! They were great fun!” waffled Boris. “We all remember Nanny and the butler scrabbling for candles in the pantry. At least that’s what Father told me they were doing.”

Power cuts are a distinct possibility, since new trade deals must be struck to import the Chinese coal and Arabian oil we need to keep the lights on. Transition means endless delays and deferments.

It will become mandatory for all citizens to carry emergency candles. There is, apparently, no truth in the rumour that the three day week is being promoted by Candlestick Analytica.

We sought the opinion of Work & Pensions secretary Esther McVey. She was in the Westminster dungeons forcing Anna Soubry to write out “Brexit Means Brexit” a million times.

“Sounds like a plan,” she agreed, cracking her whip. “We will, of course, also have to ration food as a precaution. Your blue passport will entitle you to collect a pint of gruel every week, whether you need it or not.”

McVey returned to the party whip.

“Random power cuts are a small price to pay for our independence and freedom,” she commented. “Write that down too, Soubry!”

Hold A Candle For Freedom is destined to be the next government slogan.

Britain’s greatest food bank advocate Jacob Rees-mogg, MP for Want, says watching Nigel Farage throw away food this morning was very uplifting.

”To see such a staunch advocate of 0.5% of the economy, people he really, really cares about, just throwing their produce away in a wanton display of waste almost made me incandescent in the downstairs,” Jacob told LCD Views, detouring on his way to a fish eugenics conference.

”It must have been what watching Jesus divide up a fish and some bread was like back in the 19th century when women didn’t talk; the birth of the world. I’m a little muddled. It was really something.”

The choice to waste food in public, in a country where Jacob’s government has seen working poverty and food bank use grow at a rate only matched by his investments offshore in a dodgy Russian bank, and to use the produce of the industry they’re pretending to care about, and make that an animal used as a symbol of Christianity and charity, is certainly a devious and heedy mix.

”Doing it near the Houses of Parliament just deepens the public relations coup,” Jacob adds, “last week my government voted to take away hot food from potentially 1.8 million poor children, and here I am today applauding food waste! Huzzah!”

It was certainly a stirring sight.

”Uplifting is the word I choose,” Jacob clarified, “outside Westminster we I eat on the public purse one moment and damn to penuary the next? What better choice.”

LCD Views commends the courage of Jacob and Nigel, to have fronted a lie for so many years now, and to continue to do it even now they’re exposed, that takes a special sort of individual.

“I am replete,” Theresa May said after winning her Commons showdown on school meals, “I am stuffed to the brim with pride. My Christian heart is full to satisfaction. What a good Vicar’s daughter am I.”

The reason for this feast of self congratulation was the defeat of a Labour motion in the Commons to protect the hot school lunches of one million poor children.

”This might be a little bit naughtier than running through the wheat?” Theresa May smirked, “the parents of those children have been taught a lesson about caring conservatives now.”

The stunning victory was secured in the awareness the SNP would not be voting on this English matter, and quite a bit of advanced menu planning for the votes.

”Those Old Testament types, the DUP, they agreed not to oppose my feast or famine penny pinching, see? We did a deal that Northern Ireland could keep the meals and England could not.”

Well, this is a fine example of the DUP meaning what it says about exact same conditions between their place and ours.

But how do you explain it to such a multitude of hungry little kids, whose only hot meal a day you may well have taken away?

”It’s simple. Traditional Victorian values, don’t you see?”

Do go on you old wheat stomper you.

”The poor children in Northern Ireland are the deserving poor.”

And the poor children in England?

”The poor children in my Victorian universe,” May went on to say, “why those one million are deserving of me. Because of the way their parents vote, don’t you see?”

Prime Minister Arlene Foster was crowing with success this morning after a record number of poor english children joined the DUP in the last twenty four hours, in order to keep access to a hot school meal.

“Isn’t it wonderful?” Ms Foster beamed, “all these children who will now be feed by the right Jesus?”

The surprising recruitment surge for Ms Foster’s party comes on the back of the decision by her deputy, Theresa May, to attempt to rob hot food away from under privileged english children, but maintain it for ones in Northern Ireland, in order to help pay for Brexit.

“It’s part of our commitment in government to keep exactly the same conditions in the union back and forth across the Irish Sea,” Theresa May told reporters, while in theory talking about the £2 billion being spent on civil servants for Brexit.

“It will help us feed all those poor, hardworking civil servants,” Ms May added, “my agreement with Arlene will mean 10,000 state employees won’t have to shell out for lunch. Children in Northern Ireland who need a hot meal will continue to get one, but the same can’t be said for english ones, if I have my way. It’s called honest, upright, caring Conservatism. There is nothing distasteful, cynical or hypocritical about this at all. This is about keeping my party in power. And we all know that is the only thing that matters. The UK can burn for all I care, as long as I am chief arsonist.”

It’s believed a side benefit will also be motivating poor english children to learn the skills needed to survive in a post Brexit economy.

“Smuggling. Bartering. Shoplifting. Running from authority. Being too hungry to do anything but beg for food. They’ll be well prepared for life under the regime coming down the tracks in 2019 like a runaway steam train.”

But what will Ms Foster do with the additional influence the surge in membership gives the DUP?

“I haven’t really thought about it. Probably push to have homosexuality taught as a sin on the flat earth we live on. Also, dinosaurs are right out of the school curriculum now, unless they are used as an example of the devil attempting to trick us. I’m having the time of my life right now. Aren’t you?”

LCD Views is clearly behind the maintenance of school meals for underprivileged children in Northern Ireland, if a developed country can’t care for its most vulnerable, then it is rotten to the core, especially if huge tax breaks continue to be given to tax dodging millionaires, but we must say the hypocrisy of Theresa May and her puppet master across the Irish Sea, such good christians both, does stick in the craw. We commend this statement to the house.

LCD Views is thrilled to have been paid £1M in unmarked bills to run the campaign to raise awareness of Philip Hammond’s planned “Celebrate Rigorous Austerity Parade” or C R A P.

“When I was looking about for a mass media company to engage the public in my CRAP celebration there was only really one name on the short list,” The Chancellor told LCD Views, “you.”

Why not The Sun?

Why not The Daily Mail?

Why not The Express?

“I’ll tell you why not. LCD Views is the only organisation to have posted an even mildly understanding comment about my predicament in the cabinet this year.”

But we’ve been deeply critical of austerity and we spend most of our time Tory bashing? With the occasional break to have a pop at JC the Lord and Saviour…Lexit or the NHS JC.

“Yes, that’s true. But you haven’t tried to murder me in my sleep yet and that’s more than I can say for any member of ERG.

Everyone thinks I’m a grey man with an abacus, but you realise that I am the quiet one everyone needs to watch out for. I appreciate that. Here, have a tax break on paper clips.”

We’re glad to be rewarded for our unflinching loyalty.

“Let’s not go too far.”

So tell us about CRAP?

“Okay. Austerity has been an amazing success.

We nationalised the losses of the true capitalists who otherwise would have suffered for terribly bad investment decisions. These were our friends. You have to look out for your chums in a chumocracy or democracy prevails.”

Ah, well you certainly do look after your mates while in government.

“And when you balance out the damage done to the NHS and public services in general, the booming food bank sector, the working poor, the skeleton of a defence force, the homelessness crisis, the malaise of injustice in the United Kingdom caused by cuts to legal aid, the privatisation of the forensic service which has led to miscarriages of justice, the water utilities whose lobbyists have succeeded in reducing standards so low to funnel taxpayer’s money into tax havens that people recently lost water for four days after a thaw, well, I need to stop crowing about the success of the Caring Conservative Culpability Prerogatives.”

Where’s the balance to all this success? There must be a downside?

“There is one. My friends and the donors to the Conservatives have gained so much wealth via austerity that it’s increased the time it takes to have our expensive accounts and lawyers find extra loopholes in tax legislation, in order to funnel even more money overseas. Of course the offshore tax exile owners of the majority of the media in the United Kingdom have been a great help here.”

They certainly took advantage of the rot austerity has set in to get that Brexit vote in. Now they can take away as much of our rights as they can grab!

“You’re interrupting me.”

Sorry.

“That tax dodging money is predominately held in USD accounts and will be repatriated when it’s time for the wholesale sell off of the NHS after Brexit crashes the economy.

I’d like to take this opportunity to thank Jeremy Corbyn for his support on Brexit too. Although I am personally a quiet remainiac. But that’s on the hush hush.

Without the leader of the official opposition whipping his MPs to vote through Article 50, before any preparation had been done for the largest change to this country in decades, well, let’s just say Vladimir and Rupert may have withdrawn their support from our government.”

It’s definitely time for a C R A P parade.

“Let’s celebrate austerity,” Mr Hammond smiles, like an undertaker, “it’s ballooned the national debt in a way the media is helpful never to mention and it’s got us to the brink of fascism in the UK. It’s time for a parade. But not just any parade. A crap parade.”